Exotic Dancer Sues Miley Cyrus Over Stolen Routines

Posted on September 21, 2014 by katiek

SAN FRANCISCO, California –

Anastasia Rhapsody, an adult entertainer at The Kitty Kave Gentlemen’s Club, announced in a press conference today that she has filed a lawsuit against Miley Cyrus for stealing parts of her act.

The lawsuit charges Cyrus with ‘wrongful appropriation’ of creative material conceived by the stripper and used in her popular act. Rhapsody is seeking $8 million in damages, which her lawyers consider a fair amount of the profit Ms. Cyrus has made by using the allegedly stolen material.

An emotional Rhapsody, surrounded by her lawyers and representatives of the Exotic Dancer’s Union, told reporters that she has suspected for some time that Cyrus had been spying on her and stealing her material.

“That foam finger thing she did on the VMAs? That was mine. I did an almost identical act at the 49ers pre-Super Bowl party a couple of years ago, except I was twerking on one of the players and not Robin Thicke. But I let that slide, thinking it might be a coincidence, even though she even used the tongue too,” Rhapsody said, sticking out her extremely long tongue to demonstrate. “I mean, after all, foam fingers are pretty common, aren’t they?”

“I started getting real darn suspicious when she came out with that ‘Wrecking Ball’ video, though. One of my most popular acts starts with me swinging onto the stage on a big disco ball,” Rhapsody told reporters. “Not everybody swings around on a big ball, now do they?”

By then, the stripper said, she had seen Cyrus in the club several times with young homeless men who the singer was treating to a night out. “I thought she was real nice for doing that, you know?” she said. “But I confronted her the next time she came in about that video. She told me there was no way anyone could mistake her video as being anything like my act because she was wearing boots and riding a wrecking ball, while I was wearing platform shoes and riding a disco ball. Besides, she was licking a hammer and I wasn’t. “

“She was real sweet about it. And like she said, I didn’t lick no hammer in my act, so I couldn’t prove anything.”

The tearful stripper went on to say that she finally felt confident in filing the lawsuit after Cyrus appeared at a New York Fashion Week after- party a few days ago wearing pasties. “They were identical to the ones I wore the last time Miley was in the club, and my lawyers said that was enough to convince a judge. I think she might have stolen some stuff from a few of the other girls at the club too, but we just can’t prove it.”

“I thought she was a good person. I mean, she bought those poor homeless guys drinks and lap dances. She even pole danced on stage with us girls,” Anastasia said. “I guess I was wrong.”

Cyrus has not yet commented on the accusations.

Local Fisherman Catches Dead Body In River, Arrested For Throwing It Back

Posted on September 14, 2014 by JP

ST. PETERSBURG, Florida –

A local St. Petersburg man is behind bars today after a bizarre event occurred while fishing. Tim Pope, age 64, was arrested late Sunday evening by police officers for tampering with a crime scene. Pope was fishing in a Florida river early Sunday morning, which his wife says he has been doing every Sunday for the past 20 years.

“Ever since we moved to Florida 20 years ago, he would go to that river and fish every Sunday,” said Mrs. Pope. “If some people go to Church or watch football as their religion of choice, then Tim’s religions is fishing.”

While out early this morning, Pope inadvertently hooked a human corpse – something that any die-hard fisherman can tell you is not as nice as hooking a huge bass. Like any good fisherman, though, when realizing that what he had pulled to shore was of a sub-par nature, he threw the body back in the water.

“I haven’t gotten to speak to him to much, but he told me he didn’t know what to do with the body. At first, pulling it in, he thought he had caught the biggest fish of his life. When he discovered it wasn’t a fish at all, he just unhooked it and tossed it back. [Tim] doesn’t own a cell phone, so a few hours later when he finally was finished and arrived home, he told me the story and I had him call the police. Stupid me, because their first stop after the call was to our house to arrest him for tampering with the body!” said Mrs. Pope.

Tim Pope is still currently in lockup in St. Petersburg, after refusing to take any money out of his retirement savings to post bail. If he’s convicted of a crime, he could be facing several years behind bars. The arresting officers have refused to make a statement, but the station has reportedly been receiving a lot of angry calls from local town residents.

“I don’t care what anyone says about it,” said Pope during his initial police interview. “It’s not a big deal. I didn’t kill the guy, I just pulled him in. What was I supposed to do? It’s not like he was going to fit in my cooler. Would you have arrested me if I’d caught a tire in my line and threw that back? Littering is a crime too, you know!”

“Tim is friends with a lot of people in our neighborhood, and I know that along with myself, people have been calling the police station night and day expressing how they feel. My husband doesn’t deserve to be jailed for this; it was a fisherman’s instinct to throw the body back in the river,” said Mrs. Pope.

Police have continued to search for the body over several miles of river, but so far have come up empty-handed. Reports indicate that police are actually using Pope’s confiscated fishing rod and lures in attempt to hook the body for a second time.

Family Sues Fortune Cookie Manufacturer After Finding Filthy Fortunes

Posted on September 14, 2014 by DvanL

CARMEL, New York –

A fun family trip quickly turned into a nasty nightmare for the Bryant family of upstate Carmel, New York, after several lewd “novelty” fortune cookies were mistakenly placed on their table.

Joy and Matt Bryant planned a day of fun for Joy’s parents, Eloise and Earl, and for their 6-year-old daughter, Angela.

“It was Mum and Dad’s anniversary. They really wanted to visit the Guggenheim [Museum]. Mom studied art way back when, and said she practically used to live there.”

“So this man was handing out restaurant coupons,” said Earl. “It was for a Chinese place, and you really can’t get halfway decent Chinese up by us, so I took one. We go down the street and the place looked nice, so in we went!”

“The food and the service were good,” he added.

“I had the orange chicken!” said Angela. “And then I needed another fortune cookie because I dropped my fortune cookie on the floor. It said ‘You will have a surprise very soon.’”

The fortune proved to be chillingly accurate.

Waiter Eddie Tan explained what happened next.

“The girl was upset because she dropped her cookie, so I go back and grab a handful and put them on her plate, and she was very happy. I go back to the kitchen and the mother screams and the father yells ‘Where’s the boss? Where’s the boss?’”

Tan had mistakenly taken a handful of “adult” novelty fortunes meant only for the staff to see. The smutty fortunes were brought in earlier as a ‘gag’ gift to celebrate a co-worker’s birthday.

Joy explained, “My 6-year-old turns to me and asks, ‘Mommy, what’s a r–job? It says ‘Tonight you will get a r–job.’ Well, I screamed out loud and my husband told my daughter never to say that word again. Then we read the rest of them.”

“The next one said, ‘You will eat some p—- tonight,’” she continued. “And the one after that said ‘You need to get a rusty trombone.’ I was horrified! At church we got a pamphlet with every dirty word you can think of to teach your children not to say – that’s how I knew what every word meant,” she quickly explained.

Joy’s father didn’t understand what all the fuss was about.

“Matt was getting the manager,” said Earl, “so I took a look at the other ones and they sounded okay to me. I don’t know what an ‘Angry Dragon’ is, but I figured it was something about the Chinese New Year. I know what a ‘piledriver’ is because I used to do that all the time with my guys.” Earl is a retired telephone company foreman.

“Another one said ‘Do you like hobknocking?’ Maybe I do. Beats me. The last one I read said ‘Give me a blumpkin!’ That sounded like a fancy dessert, and since we only got the orange slices and fortune cookies, I really wanted to get a blumpkin! Then the waiter took them away.”

“I raised Holy Hell!” Said Matt. “The waiter explained what happened and said they wouldn’t charge us for lunch, like that was going to make everything all right! I told him I was going to sue them and the fortune cookie company for emotional distress. Joy still cries about how they ruined her parents’ anniversary. She was crying and we never even made it to the museum! We were so upset, we let Angela go stay with her grandparents for a few days. We both just stayed at home…In bed. Er, reading our Bibles. Yeah, our Bibles. That’s it.”

The case of Bryant v. Hung’s is expected to be settled out of court.

Garage Mechanic Charged With Battery

Posted on September 13, 2014 by DvanL

NORTH AURORA, Illinois –

Garrett Nelson should be at work at Bates Auto Body in North Aurora, Illinois, but instead, he’s in a holding cell with bruised knuckles and a sprained ankle.

Aurora Beacon-News’ local crime reporter, Peter Lazenby, discovered the 38-year-old Nelson sitting by himself in the holding cell, and decided to strike up a conversation.

“It was obvious he had gotten into a fight,” said Lazenby. “He was pretty bruised up. I told him I was a reporter and he said he knew my name because he reads my ‘Pete’s Beat’ police blotter column. Our talk turned into an interview, so I ended up doing a human-interest story on him. Turns out this guy really has led an interesting life. Also the fact that a mechanic was charged with battery – I mean the thing practically wrote itself!”

Lazenby shared a section of the conversation with Empire News.

Peter Lazenby: Do you mind if I ask what happened?

Garrett Nelson: I took a swing at a guy who was trying to tell me how to do my job.

PL: Where do you work?

GN: Bates Auto Body on River Road.

PL: How did the fight start?

GN: I promised to have this guy’s car finished by 3:00, but things got backed up since a school bus packed full of singing nuns broke down right in front of the shop. I spent about 2 hours fixing them up, so then the guy comes back and asks me how come his car isn’t ready.

PL: Did you tell him about the singing nuns?

GN: Yeah, but he said it wasn’t his problem. He was this suit-and-tie guy, on his phone the whole time, kinda rude. Then he says he had a cousin who’s a mechanic and I was working too slow.

PL: Why didn’t the guy just go to his cousin?

GN: That’s what I asked him and it kind of ticked him off. I told him we had a waiting room, but he said he’d rather ‘keep an eye on me out here.’ That’s just how he said it: ‘keep an eye on me.’ Well, that really frosted my ass. What did he think was I gonna do? Take a dump in his car or something? So he keeps on staring, and the next thing I know, I’m swinging at him; he’s swinging at me — he calls the police, but guess who gets stuck in here — me!”

Barrett was charged with simple battery and was confident he would be released soon.

“One customer who comes in to my shop all the time with his hybrid, he’s a lawyer, so I called him up,” said Barrett. He brings his car in at least once a month. God, those hybrids are crap on 4 wheels! Anyway, I heard him say something about ‘dropping the charges,’ so I think I’ll be out of here soon. The guy who I took a poke at left about a half hour ago.”

Barrett was released an hour later in a better mood than when he arrived.

“Hey, am I gonna be famous?” he joked, limping out of the police station. “I never thought I’d be reading about me like this! I might turn into a big-time celebrity!”

“Careful what you wish for!” answered Lazenby.

Lazenby’s full article will appear in this Sunday’s Beacon-News as a special feature to ‘Pete’s Beat.’

Novelty Parakeet Maker Sued After Cat Ingests Realistic Plastic Toy

Posted on September 12, 2014 by DvanL

FAIRFIELD, New Jersey –

Have you seen the commercial for the ‘perfect’ pet? It’s not a dog, it’s not a goldfish – it’s not even living! It’s ‘Pretty Much Polly,’ the plastic parakeet that can ‘provide hours of fun, just like the real thing!’

Polly’s colors are vibrant. From a distance, you’d never be able to tell the difference between an actual bird and a mass-produced extruded glob of spray-painted plastic, popped out of a mold in far away China, shipped to America to satisfy the gaping maws of hungry toy consumers, begging for the latest electronic plaything.

Even cats want to get their paws on Polly. Sadly, one curious kitten did just that, and Pretty Much Polly turned out not to be the perfect Polly toy for the small kitty.

TeleToy Corporation INC., distributor of Pretty Much Polly, has been named as defendant in a lawsuit filed by Edna Wannamaacher on behalf of Mittens Wannamaacher. Lawyers and insiders are saying that the case, Mittens Wannamaacher v. TeleToy INC., could be a game-changer.

“Mittens was my newest best friend,” said self-described “cat lady” Edna Wannamaacher during the trial. “He followed me everywhere. One day, I was pouring foundation for that new development over by Harbor Road and Mittens kind of adopted me. Next thing I knew, he was my newest roommate! He followed me home. I don’t know what he saw in me, but I guess he knew he’d feel at home.”

“Cats are inherently curious, we all know that,” said Allison Sandy, counsel for TeleToy, “and in this case, Mittens’ curiosity indeed did kill her, just as the biblical parable says. ‘Polly Wannamaacher’, as she called the toy, and TeleToys, should in no way be held liable for the unfortunate accident that took place. We are not responsible for any damages.”

“Objection, your honor,” shouted Edna’s nephew, Dewey Wannamaacher, during closing arguments. When Dewey was reminded that he was not an attorney and that closing arguments can not be interrupted, he begged for the court’s mercy, asking that his statement be heard and entered into the record. The request was granted over Sandy’s objections.

“My aunt is not a crazy cat lady. She does not train her cats to use the toilet like some nuts. In fact, she has opted herself to just use clumping litter along with her friends instead. A lot of slanderous things have been said about her in court today. Yes, she once took a selfie for Cat Fancy magazine, showing her eating from a bowl of Meow Mix with a slew of cats, but it was just for fun. Sadly, that photograph has now come to haunt our family nine-times over. It’s on the Internet, and…well, people can be so cruel. By my aunt is a wonderful person, and this case should not be about her life, but rather the life, and death, of Mittens Wannamaacher.”

“Millions of toy makers and yarn manufacturers could face loss of livelihoods,” countered Sandy. “Even the entire string industry could be wiped out over a case like this. Is that fair? I think not. We all love cats, yes, but also — members of the jury — I implore you — also think of the sheep. There’s more at stake here than just the future of one toy line. It’s the future of the entire cat industry! This could set a precedent that could potentially wipe out laser pointers and catnip manufacturers as well.”

“Oh, I’d hate to put people out of work,” said Edna, as the jury deliberated for a second day. “A lot of my friends work with toys and string. But what about Mittens? Who is going to speak for her? She was just following her natural instincts and look where she ended up? Dead and under the recliner, that’s where. Mittens would have been better off left in that construction lot, looking back on it.”

Unofficial reports have surfaced hinting that the jury may be deadlocked.

“I took a good look at the jury, said Wannamaacher. “I think half of them are dog people, and the other half are cat people. I hope we win. For the love of Mittens, I hope we win.”

Man Forces Plane to Land After Refusing To Use The Onboard Bathroom

Posted on September 10, 2014 by JP

ST. PAUL, Minnesota –

A plane that was traveling to LAX Airport in California from Minnesota was forced to make an abrupt landing after a passenger became extremely hostile during the flight. Crew members on the plane tried to resolve the issue while the flight was taking course, but after the passenger continued to throw a temper tantrum, the captain decided that for the safety of the passengers, he would make an unscheduled landing.

The reasoning behind the hostility and frustration was Matthew Flynn, 35, and his ‘bathroom phobia.’ Flynn claimed he was afraid to use a toilet while in the sky, but that a poor choice in his pre-flight meal caused his stomach issues.

“I ate a lot of humus and drank a lot of coffee before the flight,” said Flynn. “Looking back on this decision, I thought I would be able to wait to relive myself at my hotel in California. When we got in the air and my stomach started grumbling, I knew I really only had two options – either go in my pants, or make a scene so badly they would have to stop the flight.”

The second option worked for Flynn, as the plane made an unscheduled landing in Provo, Utah. Unfortunately, as regulations have tightened on flights over the years, Flynn was arrested as soon as the plane hit the ground.

Flynn was charged with a number of different accounts, but to add salt to the wound, he picked up another charge while police were putting him into custody. Flynn was charged with public indecency after defecating himself and removing his pants.

“I tried to beg for them to let me use the bathroom, but they didn’t listen,” said Flynn. “Next time, I’ll skip the meal and try and hold it. I’ve flown several times before this, and never had a problem.”

“We all hate pooping in public places, that’s a given,” said arresting officer Joe Goldsmith of the TSA. “This, though, is a little ridiculous. When you gotta go, you just go, you know? Mr. Flynn is something extra, special, that’s for sure.”

The remaining passengers on Flynn’s flight were stuck on the tarmac for an extra 45 minutes before the flight was cleared to continue.

Congress Proposes Ban On Out-of-Country Destination Weddings

Posted on September 7, 2014 by DvanL

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Amid controversy and facing the lowest approval rating in history, members of the U.S. Congress begrudgingly cut short their summer recess and returned to Washington one week early, in order to pass a number of emergency measures.

“The growing conflict in the Middle East, and our own economic crisis closer to home mean that we all have to make sacrifices,” said Speaker of the House John Boehner, appearing paler than usual. “My golf vacation was cut short, so I spent less time in the sun,” he said. “That was my sacrifice. The President still has not managed to pull us out of the deepest recession we’ve ever faced, no matter how many bills he sends down to us that we refuse to act upon.”

One proposed economy-saving measure causing a great deal of uproar is H.R. 7643, The Defense of Domestic Marriage Destination Act, introduced the day after Labor Day. The bill prohibits destination weddings that take place outside the borders of the United States and its territories in an effort to keep revenue from enriching other countries.

“We’re losing billions of dollars each year because self-centered newlyweds, mostly liberals, refuse to keep American money inside America,” said Rep. Steve King, Republican from Iowa’s 4^th District. Airplanes, hotels, food – all of this capital is being outsourced to foreign countries, and these are just ‘tip-of-the-iceberg’ issues,” he added. “That’s why I came back early from my vacation trip to Spain.”

In 2013, the U.S. wedding industry generated $51 billion in revenue, according to the financial journal Revenue Tracker.

According to Brides Magazine, wedding photographers, lawn chair manufacturers, spray tan technicians, gown designers, shoe dyers, and ring bearer/flower girl trainers are just some of the 800,000 professionals employed by the domestic wedding industry each year.

Brides’ executive editor Connie Nast says, “This is not the right way to go about fixing the economy. If I were a bride today, forced with the prospect of keeping my marriage domestic,” says Nast, “I would be absolutely livid with rage. The government has no right to put restrictions on where and when married couples should have the most stressful and happiest day of their lives. I was married in London, and it was magnificent.”

New York City bride-to-be Tara Faulkner had this to say, while at her final fitting at Brooklyn’s famous Kleinfeld Bridal. “Nobody, not nobody, and that includes the President, or even the executive director of Congress or whatever she calls herself – Pelosi, Mary Pelosi I think is her name – well, she’s not going to tell me what to do. I’m a U.S. citizen of America and if I choose to take my money out of my country, then that’s nobody’s damn business but my own!”

“It’s going to be a rough ride,” said Boehner, as he conferred with aides on plans and strategies for the upcoming last session of the 113^th Congress.

Boehner will be meeting with members of Washington’s powerful bridal lobby later in the week. “Yup,” the Speaker sighed, “vacation’s over.”

HASBRO Threatens ISIS With Lawsuit, Claims Copyright Infringement

Posted on September 6, 2014 by skullman

PAWTUCKET, Rhode Island –

In a press release from international toy company Hasbro, company executives say that are ‘strongly considering’ a lawsuit against militant terrorist group ISIS, who the company says have ‘stolen the look and nature’ of G.I. Joe characters COBRA.

“For decades, G.I. Joe have been the ‘Real American Heroes,’ and they have fought against their nemesis COBRA, a group of violent terrorists who often wear hooded masks while performing their heinous tasks,” said George Prime, legal spokesman for HASBRO. “With the recent media coverage of the soulless terrorist group ISIS in Iraq and Syria, we were able to get a rather good look at their wardrobe, and we couldn’t believe that they’d resign to using COBRA costumes.”

HASBRO has owned the creative rights to G.I. Joe since 1964, and the toy line has seen many iterations, including action figures, a Saturday morning cartoon, and more recently, a series of feature films.

“Throughout all of it, though, we have owned the rights to names and likenesses, and that includes dark, hooded masks, at least when they are being used in a terrorist or menacing nature,” said Prime.

The company has sent an ultimatum to ISIS leaders to change their look, or they will bring legal action.

ISIS, short for the militant group named Islamic State in Iraq and Syria, have been waging an offensive that have seen large chunks of Northern Iraq fall out of government hands. ISIS is an al Qaeda splinter group that wants to establish an Islamic state that would stretch from Iraq into northern Syria.

“In the G.I. Joe world, COBRA is run by an evil, shadowy figure aptly named Cobra Commander. In the real world, ISIS is also run by a shadowy operative, and although it is not 100% known if he partakes in the same dark headwear often, one can only assume that he’s taking cues directly from our action figure line. We at HASBRO can only hope that they are, because in the end that means those monstrous sons of bitches will be quickly dispatched by real military heroes.”

HASBRO says that they have sent multiple messages to try to meet with ISIS leaders, but to no avail.

‘Key To The City’ Opens Bank Safe; Town Funds Go Missing

Posted on September 4, 2014 by DvanL

BRENTSVILLE, Tennessee –

“He seemed like a great guy,” said Mayor Sam Cannon, formerly of Brentsville, Tennessee. “Mayor Sam,” as everyone in town calls him, didn’t move away from Brentsville; Brentsville moved away from him.

It all began last spring, when “Uncle Joe, Motivational Surgeon” came to town.

“I never heard of that before,” said Carol Cannon, First Lady of what was once Brentsville. “He said he cured bad moods with laughter and joy medicine. That was his ‘surgery.’ Everyone liked him – children, the shut-ins, even our town sourpuss managed to smile when Uncle Joe came around.”

Joe Castle, the self-described “Motivational Surgeon” was just what the town of Brentsville needed. In 2008, the town’s candle factory went out of business after the price of wax tripled. When the factory shut down, it seemed as though the soul of the town shut down with it. One month later, “Uncle Joe” showed up with a suitcase and a twinkle in his eye.

“He did birthday parties for free, he sang songs at the retirement home, he even donated the most blood at our Founder’s Day blood drive,” said Mayor Sam. “I thought he was gonna pass out.”

“He never missed a trick,” added Carol. He remembered everything — always asking how people were doing in your family — we felt we had to do something for him. That’s when I got the idea to give him the key to the city. I just took this old key I found, and spray painted it gold and put some sparkles on it. I’m into arts and crafts. This whole thing is all my fault,” she sighed.

“Uncle Joe” never missed a trick indeed. He noticed the name stamped on the back of the key – “Brentsville Safe Co.” – the very same safe company that manufactured the bank’s main vault on Main Street.

“We had a big celebration at Brentsville Park. We haven’t had a parade like that in this town since the President came to town. President Roosevelt, I mean,” said the Mayor. “The next morning we got up and everything was gone. He wiped us out. That bastard played us like a fiddle!” he said.

“Language, Sam!” admonished Carol.

“I don’t care, that’s what he was, a two-faced, snake oil selling bastard! He took everything we had, including the town charter and incorporation papers! Bastard, bastard, bastard!”

After regaining his composure, Mayor Cannon said Uncle Joe was probably an old-school ‘flim-flam’ man who found out the candle factory had gone out of business, then decided to take advantage of the good nature of a vulnerable town.

“Just can’t trust people anymore,” said Cannon. “Now we have to merge with Barkley Heights, across the river. Bad enough they beat us in wrestling every year. If that candle factory hadn’t gone out of business, we’d be ok. I blame the wax lobby fat cats up in Washington.”

“Oh, Sam,” said Carol. “There’s no such thing. C’mon inside and have a cup of tea. After all, it’s not the end of the world.”

Sam followed Carol inside the house. “Bastard!” he exclaimed, as he slammed the screen door behind him.

Death Row Inmate’s Request Granted For ‘Progressive Dinner’ Last Meal

Posted on September 1, 2014 by DvanL

PUTNAM COUNTY, Florida –

Florida Governor Rick Scott quietly approved death row inmate Del Berkley’s wish to attend a progressive dinner as per his last meal request.

Berkley, convicted of homicide and armed robbery in 2008, made the request earlier this month to reportedly “spice things up” from his usual drab prison meal routine before his scheduled execution.

The progressive dinner was held last week in a neighborhood not far from the Putnam County Sheriff’s Office House of Corrections. A review of the meal, written by Berkley, was published in the prison’s newsletter under the column “Bars and Spoons.”

“Overall it was good,” wrote Berkley. We started with a light course of appetizers at the “X” family’s neat suburban home. Nice big windows. Easy access. No guard dog.”

To be honest,” Berkley wrote, “this first course of mini entrées kind of suffered — I couldn’t choke down that tiny puffed tuna casserole. ‘And you thought my stare was cold and icy!’ I said to the hostess. ‘I’m never coming back here again!’ On the upside, I was allowed a glass of wine, which sure beats the crap out of the stuff I usually make in my toilet, that’s for damn sure! I really appreciated that.”

After a head count, the meal progressed to destination number two.

The “Y” family decided to make me feel ‘at home,’ so they went with a prison-themed dinner for the main course,” wrote Berkley. “They wore striped shirts and had these little plastic chains around their ankles which ticked me off a little at first, but I took it all in stride. After all, I didn’t want to come off as some kind of death row ingrate,” he said.

“The tin cups were funny and I gotta admit, the Y’s were very original with the dishes. We started with a towering Big House salad, then we had the Pork Shank Redemption, and to finish me off, I enjoyed a cup of Midnight Espresso. To call this meal a guilty pleasure would only be a half-truth,” he added.

The next part of the meal was the dessert course. “I wondered if I could force it all down after all that food! I was so full, I thought I was gonna die! Talk about ‘dead man walking’ – I practically had to be carried out to the van! After thanking my hosts, I was transported to my final destination.”

Unbelievably, the dessert was ‘Death By Chocolate Cake.’ “It was a complete coincidence,” said Berkley. “Mrs. ‘Z’ told me that she had planned her menu far in advance of my visit to her ADT Alarm protected ranch style home with the sliding glass doors adjacent to the attached garage which leads to the laundry room,” he said.

After the meal, when Berkley was transported back to the correctional facility, more good news awaited him. Due to the national shortage of lethal chemicals used in the humane execution process, his scheduled execution was indefinitely delayed.

“Is this an execution or a hunger strike?” asked Stefanie Fales, heartbroken widow of Martin Fales, Berkley’s homicide victim. “I’m calling my Congressman and the Governor!” she said.

“I can’t believe it,” said Berkley upon hearing the news. “I’m sitting here full as a tick, happy as a clam. True, it’s going to be an awful comedown once that plastic tray comes sliding through that slot tomorrow morning with those powdered eggs, but, … you can’t have everything!”