Teen Burns Down House To Avoid Doing Dishes

Posted on September 24, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

BANGOR, Maine –

A 13-year-old teen was arrested for arson Wednesday evening after reportedly burning down the family house to avoid doing the dishes, says the Bangor Monthly News. According to police reports, Joshua Blackwell was arrested after the family’s cape-style home was left in a rubble from a horrific fire.

“I asked Josh to do the dishes before his father and I left for the movies,” said Marsha Blackwell, 44. “Normally that’s not a chore I’d ask him to do, but Greg [Blackwell, Joshua’s father] and I were in a rush. The new Maze Runner movie is out, and we wanted to make the 7:15 show.”

“I never have to do the fucking dishes,” said Joshua during the police interrogation. “That’s a woman’s job. My job is to normally just take out the trash, and I even hate doing that. When my bitch mother said I needed to do the dishes, I got pissed. They didn’t even ask if I wanted to go to the movies, they just left me to scrub all those fucking pots. They deserved this.”

Police say that Joshua Blackwell faces up to 2 years in a juvenile facility if convicted of first-degree arson. A court appointed lawyer for Joshua says that he believes that the boy will be allowed to go free, though, based on the rarely-used tactic of temporary insanity.

“Yes, I think I can get Joshua off from this crime, simply because he was asked to do the dishes, and he strongly believes that’s a woman’s job,” said lawyer Marcus Patton, Esq. “You see, because he has such strongly held convictions, his mother asking him to do such a emasculating job triggered something in him that caused this violent outburst, and he burned down their home.”

“I don’t care how any of this turns out,” said Marsha Blackwell. “All I know is that when Joshua gets home from prison, he’s grounded for a week…and definitely no TV for him!”

Former ‘Daily Show’ Host Jon Stewart Announces Presidential Run

Posted on September 14, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

LOS ANGELES, California –

With Jon Stewart completing his Daily Show hosting duties earlier this summer, many people were asking what the comedian, 52, would do next in his career. Although in recent interviews, Stewart said that he wasn’t sure what his next move would be, apparently he had a secret he was keeping all along.

“I’m officially tossing my hat into the ring for a seat in the Oval Office in 2016,” said Stewart during a recent press conference. “I’ve been mocking politicians for almost 2 decades on my show, and now it’s time to show them that I don’t just follow their mistakes, I’m ready to right them as well.”

Most political analysts say that Stewart doesn’t hold a chance of getting a party’s nomination, but many voters seem to disagree.

“There is no one on this planet I would rather vote for than Jon Stewart,” said Twitter user DailyShowLuvr.

“Stewart is a God. Not the God, because he’s a Jew and all, but a God, for sure, and I’d vote for him,” said Facebook user George Glass. “It’s about time we elected a non-Christian into the presidency, actually. Yeah, I’ll definitely vote for him.”

Stewart says that the has no idea what platform he’s going to campaign on, but that he’s well aware of where he stands on each and every issue.

“It’s the exact opposite of whatever Trump is about,” said Stewart.

Gay County Clerk Refusing To Give Straight Couples Marriage Licenses

Posted on September 11, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

LOUISVILLE, Kentucky –

Marc Fine, a county clerk in Louisville, Kentucky, has reportedly been adamantly refusing to offer marriage licenses to straight couples, as he says it goes against his personal religious beliefs.

“I will not give any of them straights a marriage license,” said Fine in an interview with the local paper. “I think that what they do is disgusting. A penis going inside of a vagina? Natural? Please. It’s nasty, and it’s an abomination in the eyes of my personal Lord.”

Fine has been repeatedly told by his superiors that he needs to offer marriage licenses to all couples, straight or gay, but so far, Fine has refused.

“Thing of it is, no one has really complained. They just go on to another office, get their little license, and it’s all good,” said Fine. “That poor, ugly, trailer trash looking clerk woman who was arrested and put in jail should take a lesson from me. See, she wasn’t put in jail for her beliefs, she was put in jail for denying a court order, because she’s a dumbass. I haven’t gotten a court order, and until I do, I’ll keep doing my thing. If that order ever comes, well, I’ll just resign. My Lord and my principles come first.”

When asked what specific religion Fine was that allowed homosexual marriage but not straight marriage, he declined to comment.

United States Government Seeks Design For New American Flag

Posted on September 11, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

In a country where people are more divided than ever, the US government has decided that the standard “stars and bars” American flag has become something of a misnomer when it comes to describing how the nation stands.

“At one time, the flag stood for patriotism, unity, and the greatest nation on Earth,” said US Senator Mike Jollie. “As of late, with a country divided so fiercely on nearly every possible issue, with a country fighting amongst itself over things as trivial as religion, gay marriage, and even – for some reason – civil rights and unrest, well, it’s time that we have a flag more representative of where we stand today.”

Suggestions made by the Senate include a solid black flag with a gun in the middle, a solid red flag with a black hand and a white hand flipping each other off, a rainbow colored flag with a silhouette of two penises, and just a solid white flag with no imagery.

“The last idea, the solid white flag, seems to be the one most people are leaning towards at this point,” said Jollie. “A solid white flag or cloth has always been a sign of surrender, and at this point, we really should just be giving up. This country has become the laughingstock of the world, so why not?”

Artists and designers from across the country are urged to submit their flag ideas through the website of the white house, www.whitehouse.gov.

Donald Trump Flip-Flops Stance, Says He Will ‘Open US Borders 100%’ If Elected

Posted on September 7, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

In a surprise change of pace for Donald Trump, the presidential candidate has announced that he’s “completely changed his mind” about immigration, and says that if he is elected president, he plans on opening the country’s borders to all immigrants.

“There is no need to be so picky about who moves to this great country, and paperwork only slows down the process,” said Trump to a gathering of over 75,000 devoted supporters in Mississippi. “When I am elected, the borders will be opened. I was wrong in many of the things I’ve said, and it has just taken me some time to realize my mistakes.”

Many former Trump supporters say they instantly abandoned the candidate when he made his announcements.

“This is an outrage. I was looking forward to more security at the borders, not less,” said former Trump supporter Joe Goldsmith. “I’ve voted for conservatives like Trump my whole life, and they’ve never won. Trump had a chance. He speaks his mind, and people like that. People like me, anyway. Now, this is just absurd.”

“I’m glad he’s changed his opinion of immigrants,” said illegal immigrant from Mexico Jose Marquez. “I think he might be going a little too far just opening the borders all together. I moved here to feel safe, and aside from the constant fear of INS, I’ve felt like I can live here freely. If the borders are opened completely, that might not be the case anymore.”

Donald Trump says that he plans to win this election based on “cold, hard truths,” and that means, sometimes, changing your tune completely.

“I will do whatever it takes to win this election,” said Trump. “Frankly, I’ll dye this wig black if it will get me the votes. I’ll do whatever it takes, say whatever I need to, to get your vote.”

Feds Rule #BlackLivesMatter Protestors Are ‘Gangs,’ Can Be Arrested

Posted on September 5, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

The federal government ruled this morning that the hashtag #BlackLivesMatter has become a serious problem for police and law enforcement, and that agencies now have the legal right to arrest and detain people who protest as part of the movement.

“The Black Lives Matter movement started as a tag on the internet. Something that went from social media about awareness of the brutality against African-Americans, to actual, living and breathing protests in the streets, in schools, and on TV,” said senator Joe McDonald (R-Georgia.) “That can’t happen. It’s one thing for people to say something online, it’s another completely to take those feelings public, and cause problems.”

McDonald says he brought the new law to congress after he saw several black people gathered together outside a police station in his hometown of Marietta, holding signs that read #BLACKLIVESMATTER.

“It’s disgusting, really, because when it comes down to it, black lives DON’T matter – not any more than white lives, or Asian lives, or any damn lives,” said McDonald. “What we’ve got here are angry black people getting angrier and angrier each time a white cop kills some black person anywhere in the country. It’s absurd. They didn’t know that person. They have no reason to get upset. I don’t get upset when a white guy I don’t know gets killed half way across the city, let alone across the country. Because we expect violence as this keeps happening, it was time to put a stop to it.”

President Obama reportedly backed the plan to disallow the #BlackLivesMatter hashtag from being used publicly, citing the fact that too many African-American children and teens could be hurt if more riots were to break out.

“I’d rather we use a new hashtag, #NoLivesMatter, to show that no one life is more important than any other,” said President Obama. “Black lives, white lives, the lives of police and firemen. The lives of cracked-out babies born to unwed, whore mothers – they are all important, and we should have one movement uniting them all.”

Law enforcement agencies are pushing the law to go a step further, and allow them to arrest people in their local area who use the BlackLivesMatter hashtag on social media, in the same way they can currently arrest people who discuss illegal or gang activity in public forums.

Kim Davis Accidentally Issues Marriage License To Transgender Couple

Posted on September 5, 2015 by A. Michael Smith

ROWAN COUNTY, Kentucky –

Kim Davis, the woman who repeatedly refused to issue a marriage license to a gay couple and has since received national media attention, reportedly didn’t have a problem issuing other marriage licenses during the same time period, as it was recently discovered that she signed her name on the license of a transgender couple.

“She didn’t bat an eye when we walked in, and asked for a marriage license,” said Jennifer Jones, formerly Joseph Jones. “We had all of our paperwork in order, we asked, she smiled, signed it, and handed it over. It was that easy.”

“I was surprised, to be honest, that it went so smoothly,” said Jones’ husband, Marshall Rogers, formerly Michelle Rogers. “I mean, we’ve both completely transitioned from one sex to the other, and as far as anyone is concerned, I am a male, and Jennifer is female. But to be truthful, we both look like we are a bit…off. She still has a 5 o’clock shadow. I’ve still got little buds of boobs. At any rate, Ms. Davis didn’t seem to question it, and we received our marriage license with no issue. Sad, really. We kind of only did it to get in on the attention, too, and we had no problems.”

Davis, who despite being married and divorced several times, as well as having children out of wedlock, is apparently devoutly religious, to the point that she would not “sign her own name” to a marriage license of a homosexual couple. Since the massive media attention brought to her, she has been arrested and reportedly removed from her position as county clerk for violating federal laws.

“It’s a sad day, really, when a couple like us can get married and a bigot has no problems signing her name to it, but yet that nice gay couple had to go through everything they did just to have the option to get married,” said Jones. “Apparently, it’s okay to deny some gay men a marriage license, but not some trans folk like us. I guess one of those guys should have just put on a wig, and it all might have been okay.”

Missouri Police To Begin Using Drones Equipped With Guns

Posted on September 5, 2015 by A. Michael Smith

JEFFERSON CITY, Missouri –

Several police forces throughout the state of Missouri started using drones last year to assist them in investigations and searches, but a new wave of drone purchases by the state for law enforcement agencies is making some residents uneasy. Lawmakers in the state have authorized the use of drones with guns by police forces in several counties and cities, including Jefferson City, the state capitol.

“With the large amount of deaths of minorities at the hands of police, we felt this was the best way to counteract the issue,” said police chief Marlon Jones. “This way, the alleged criminal will have no way of knowing if the officer controlling the drone is black, white, Asian – it won’t matter. It also helps to keep the privacy of any officer involved in a shooting, as they will no longer be caught on video by some nosey bystander.”

State representatives say that their main concern is for the safety of police, as well as the safety of the general public.

“Drones are extremely useful, in that they can get places, see more things, search for people – do things that law enforcement just cannot do on foot or in a vehicle,” said state senator Joseph Goldsmith. “I applauded the state for allowing drone use in the first place, and this next step – attaching guns – is clearly the logical way to go. Being able to keep officers out of harm’s way, and still allowing them to shoot some black teen, er – I mean, shoot a criminal – is exactly what we need in this state. I wouldn’t be surprised if every state follows suit.”

The drones can already be seen flying through the skies of several cities and towns throughout Missouri. Other states, including Illinois, California, and New York are also considering laws that would allow police to use drones mounted with guns.

Boston Marathon Bomber Tsarnaev Severely Injured In Prison, May Never Walk Or Talk Again

Posted on August 31, 2015 by Raoul Stockton

FORT DEVENS, Massachusetts –

Infamous Boston Marathon bombing suspect Dzhokhar Tsarnaev, 22, was the victim of an “unfortunate accident” yesterday at Ft. Devens Detention Center in Massachusetts, just a few short months after his high-profile trial and sentencing, according to warden Paul Jacobson.

Corrections officers reportedly found the terror suspect face down in a pool of his own blood in his cell; a banana peel was found on the floor nearby.

“It initially appeared as though Tsarnaev slipped on a discarded banana peel and hit the floor with such force that his head bounced off the hard tile surface, probably 16 or 17 times. There was blood everywhere – all over the walls, the floor, even the toilet. The injuries have caused massive brain trauma,” said prison investigator Joe Goldsmith. “We determined though, through expert analysis, that it would be impossible for these injuries to have occurred through a fall. Our investigation has shown that that it was the Aryan Brotherhood who initiated an attack on Tsarnaev.”

“Yes, it was the brotherhood who took care of that bomber,” said Miles Smith, head of the Aryan Nation inside Devens. “The other gangs, they wanted him, too. We paid the guards the most money to have a shot. They stood aside, and let us do what we do. On the way out, they shook our hands, told us ‘Thank you.’ Well, You’re welcome. You’re welcome, Boston. You’re welcome, America!”

“Normally, an attack this violent, this cruel, on another inmate would get any offending party more time added to their sentence,” said warden Jacobson. “Because of the nature of Tsarnaev’s crimes, though, we have decided to actually reduce the sentences of the Aryan members who were involved. They have done our prison and our country a great service, and we appreciate it immensely. They are heroes in the eyes of not only this institution, but also in the eyes of the people of the Commonwealth of Massachusetts.”

Tsarnaev had pled not guilty to all thirty charges filed against him, but was found guilty on all counts in April. He was sentenced to the death penalty per the crimes committed.

FBI Charges Hillary Clinton With Multiple Counts Of Sharing ‘Top Secret’ E-Mails

Posted on August 30, 2015 by Abe Abrams

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Democratic Presidential front-runner Hillary Clinton’s campaign has been struck a mighty blow today, with news of the FBI’s announcement of criminal charges being formally filed against her for allegedly sharing top secret information via public channels.

“President Obama was shocked to learn about the charges against Clinton today while reading the paper on a golf course in Hawaii,” said White House Press Secretary Josh Earnest.”The President has said he puts his complete faith in the FBI, and promises to learn more about charges against Mrs. Clinton when he gets back to the White House next week.”

“I don’t know anything about how to set up an e-mail account,” said Clinton during a press conference this morning. ”When I was the Secretary of State, I thought it would just to be easier to use my current email address, HillaryRocks at AOL dot com. Chelsey set it up for me years ago, and it’s cute, so I kept it. I never knowingly shared top secret information with any foreign government – I’m just old, phones confuse me, and the buttons are so small. I may have hit ‘forward all’ a few times, but never on purpose. I committed no crime here, and it’s clear I’m being thrown under the bus by President Obama, who just wants to see Joe Biden as the next President!”

When asked why President Obama would have any reason to discredit her, Clinton mentioned that there may have been some issues between her family and his in the past.

“Well, Bill may have gotten a little frisky once with Michelle Obama at a government party, and Barack has held a grudge ever since. I want to promise my supporters that I will beat these charges, though, like we Clintons have always done. Even though I’m not smart enough to figure out how to have two different email addresses on one phone, I’m still smarter than Biden and those republican idiots.”

In another turn of events, Vice President Joe Biden says that he may actually run for president now, with the full support of Obama and his current cabinet.

“With this shocking news, it’s clear that I will have to throw my hat into the ring and run for President to save the Democratic party,” said Vice President Joe Biden. ”That’s right America, old Bumbling Joe needs your vote – and your money – because I am getting into the race, even if it is a little late.”

If found guilty of the crimes charged, Clinton could face up to 50 years in prison.