Man Arrested For Assault After Filming Sex Acts With Stuffed Animals

Posted on January 28, 2015 by Raoul Stockton

BROOKLYN, New York –

Theodore Ruxpin of Brooklyn, New York, was arrested by detectives of the New York Police Department’s Special Victims Unit after posting a video of himself having sex with his daughter’s stuffed animals.

NYPD spokesperson Juanita Cruz said that Ruxpin videotaped himself having sex with five different stuffed animals, and sent the video to several friends via email. One of the friends reportedly sent the video to police. New York state law says that any sexual act committed on a stuffed animal marketed toward children is strictly prohibited, and that offenders are to be charged with rape.

“The stuffed animals which Mr. Ruxpin sexually assaulted in the videos included a Hug-N-Oink Peppa Pig, a Let’s Imagine Elmo, a Tickled-Pink Minnie Mouse, a Puppy Surprise beagle, and a Disney Princesses Elsa plush from the movie Frozen,” Cruz announced. “The last of which was the most erotically disturbing thing I’ve ever seen in all my years on the force.”

“In the criminal justice system, sexually based offenses are considered especially heinous,” said Detective Olivia Benson, of the NYPD Special Victims crime unit. “This is not something to be taken lightly, and here in the state of New York, we seek out those who are sick and twisted enough to commit these crimes, and bring them before the court of law. We will not tolerate sexual misconduct by any means, especially when the victim is totally incapable of consent, such as in the case of Peppa Pig, Minnie Mouse, and the others.”

Ruxpin is currently being held on $10,000 bail and faces up to 5 years for each object sexually assaulted, which adds up to a possible 25-year sentence in prison.

Homeless Man Caught Sleeping In Family’s Basement, Admits to Cops He’d Been There For 10 Years

Posted on January 28, 2015 by JP

LAREDO, Texas –

A family was in shock to find a homeless man sleeping in the basement of their Laredo, Texas home late Tuesday night. The man, who has been identified by police as Carl Noon, is being charged with breaking and entering along with other minor offenses.

Homeowner Tim Henry says that he and his family have lived in the house for about 14 years. “I tell you, finding that man sleeping in his basement was enough to scare the hell out of me, but when I found out later that he told police that he’d been living down there for over 10 years, I nearly passed out.”

“Well, I mean, I did hear noises downstairs a lot, but I always thought it was the dryer or heater kicking on,” said Tim’s wife, Julie. “Tim said that it was nothing. He put some mouse traps down there, but really it wasn’t ever that concerning. This is just too much to believe.”

Police are continuing to question Noon to see if he had actually been staying there for as long as he says he had. So far, they say there is no evidence to dispute in him making this claim.

“He has no reason to lie about it,” said officer Joe Goldsmith of the Laredo Police Department. “I’ve heard of this kind of thing before. They call it ‘frogging,’ I believe, which is a more insane version of ‘squatting,’ where you move into an abandoned or empty home. ‘Frogging’ is where people will sneak into your house and live, secretly, with you and your family.”

Noon told officers he thought the house was empty, originally, as at the time the Henry family had been on vacation. When they returned, he says he planned on leaving, but when no one noticed he was there, he just stayed. After only a short time, he become aware of the family’s schedule, and would shower an eat while they were at work and school.

“I always thought that someone had been eating my cookies and milk,” said Tim Henry. “I punished the kids so many times, thinking they were lying about it. Guess I owe them an apology!”

If convicted, Noon faces 6 months to 1 year in jail.

Pre-School Child Arrested For Attempted Murder After Sharing His Peanut Butter Sandwich With A Classmate

Posted on January 27, 2015 by JP

MESA, Arizona –

An 8-year-old boy will be facing life behind bars if found guilty of an attempted murder charge. The boy, Bryan Mills, was arrested at his elementary school early Monday afternoon, during a designated snack time. According to his teacher, Bryan shared his peanut butter and jelly sandwich with a fellow classmate, who happens to be deathly allergic to peanuts.

The school has a strict no-peanut policy that all students and parents are made aware of at the start of every year, and Bryan happened to have shared his “illegal” sandwich with the wrong boy.

The classmate, Joey Goldsmith, age 7, was taken immediately to a nearby hospital and was last listed as being in critical condition. Joey’s parents, Maureen and Gilbert Goldsmith, are claiming that all his classmates knew their son had a severe allergy, and that Bryan was out to get him.

“My son almost died, right there in that stupid school, because of one of his classmates. I won’t stand watching a potential murderer get any type of special treatment because of his age. I think he was jealous that our son didn’t invite him to his birthday party, and this is why he tried to kill him,” said Maureen Goldsmith.

According to a lawyer for the Goldsmiths, they feel that the Bryan is “crazy,” and will continue to share his lunch with other classmates with serious allergies. “Apparently this isn’t his first time in trouble for sharing food,” said Gilbert Goldsmith. “We also found at that last year, he shared a chocolate bar with a kid who was allergic to cocoa. Thankfully, a teacher caught that potential assault or murder before it could happen.”

Police are now investigating how the peanut butter and jelly sandwich made it into the elementary school with a full ban in effect. Theories range from the child smuggled it into the school, to his parents simply forgetting the rules and packing it for him for lunch.

Man Beheads Neighbor For Leaving His Dog Out In The Cold

Posted on January 25, 2015 by Raoul Stockton

LOUISVILLE, Kentucky –

Donald White, 38, drove to a Louisville Metro Police Department substation, walked in, and told officers that he had just beheaded his next door neighbor, Alexander Baker, 49, because he had been leaving his dog to freeze outside over night in sub-zero temperatures.

White told police the dog would cry and bark all night, every night, and that the colder it would get, the more upset he became about the issue. White had reported Baker to animal services several times, who reportedly did nothing about the issue.

White’s girlfriend, Miranda Anderson, told WAVE-3 reporter Michelle Nelson that police only talked to Baker once, and it never changed anything.

“Donnie must have called them twenty or thirty times. They came once, told him to bring the dog inside, and to keep the noise down. He did it that one night, then every day and night afterwards the dog stayed outside,” Anderson said as she began to weep. “It wasn’t the noise that was bothering us, it was the cruelty. I’m sorta sorry for what Donnie did to the man, but you have to understand, the pain that dog endured was torture for us. We are dog lovers, and we talked about even taking the dog several times. I wish we had.”

When police arrived at Baker’s home, they found his body near a bloody machete in the living room, and his head in the bathroom toilet. The dog, a pit bull mix, has been taken into custody by Louisville Metro Animal Services, where it will be put up for adoption.

White says that he feels he made the right decision, and that he is glad that the dog has been taken in by a shelter, where it can get the care it needs.

“Every night, I’d look through my window, and see that beautiful dog shivering and freezing out there. Chained up and fenced in,” said White. “The night I went over to talk to Baker, it was -3 degrees outside. I just wanted to ask him to please take the dog inside, but when I got over there, he laughed in my face, and told me to ‘go screw.’ He said ‘Dogs have fur for a reason, shithead.’ I lost it. He had some hunting gear right by the door, and I pushed my way in, saw a machete, and I just cut his head clean off. One fell swoop. To be honest, it felt like the right thing to do.”

White’s Lawyer, Bill S. Preston, Esq., says that White should not face criminal charges. “What he did was technically self-defense, for someone who could not properly defend themselves – in this case, a sad, cold, puppy. We expect he will not be sentenced for the murder.”

Obama Resolves To Move White House to Chicago

Posted on January 24, 2015 by davittslat

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

To the shock of all Americans and with reverberations around the world, President Obama announced that he will move the White House to Chicago by year’s end. Obama mentioned the move was spurred after he was contemplating his 2015 New Year’s resolution. The Republican brass was in an uproar with many members of Congress questioning the President’s motives, some echoing the word dictator.

“When I came before you in 2008, I said my campaign was about change. As you know, every New Year’s Eve I fill out a list of personal and private goals. My thoughts kept coming back to Chicago,” stated Obama. “While I have the utmost respect and approbation for our forefathers and the city of Washington D.C., it’s time for the White House to be centralized, which would make travel and accessibility easier for all members of Congress. Chicago is the de facto capitol of the United States. Plus, who doesn’t love that deep dish pizza?” said the President.

Senator Ted Cruz said, “This President continues his ruthless power trip. My fears for this administration keep coming to fruition. Now he’s going to uproot our nation’s legacy? When are we as a people going to intercept his attempts to will his power over the American people? What’s next? Is he going to change the Constitution citing presidential supremacy?”

Meet The Press moderator, Chuck Todd, said he had been hearing rumors that this move was imminent. “The President’s deep love for Chicago is no secret,” said Todd. “I’m hearing, though, that a variety of personal reasons are the real motives for the impending move. First, Malia and Sasha [Obama] have grown homesick, and yearn to move back to their original Hyde Park surroundings. Second, the President confides with his former Chief of Staff, Rahm Emanuel, ever day and wants to be closer to him. Third, the President wants to see more Chicago Bulls games now that Derrick Rose appears to be healthy again, and the eastern conference is wide open. He’s mentioned many times his desire to bring a future championship Bulls team to the White House.”

Sarah Palin weighed in on the issue asking, “Chicago? Maybe the President missed those American history courses when he was growing up in Kenya.”

Canadian Prime Minister Threatens Attack On U.S.

Posted on January 22, 2015 by JP

MONTREAL, Quebec, Canada –

With the United States facing random threats from countries all over the world, it appears we may have overlooked our close neighbor. Officials in Canada’s war room have announced they will attack the United States if they continue to be ignored.

Reports indicate that Canada has attempted to speak with the United States, specifically with President Obama, about many different issues that they are facing. Healthcare, the war overseas, and illegal immigration are just a few. With so much on America’s lap, it appears that they have ignored they request and Canada is not happy.

“For the entire life of this country, we have been there for the United States. Whether it be as a safe haven for their draft-dodging citizens, or as folly for their comedy on South Park. A man can only be pushed to far before he begins to get angry,” said Prime Minister Stephen Harper. “We as a nation are getting a lot of backlash from the choices of the American government, and all we asked for was a sit down to discuss how we could end this. Now, we aren’t some noisy neighbors, but enough is enough! We’ve got dozens of people signing up with our military for a potential attack. We would be ready. Never count out Canada, eh!”

President Obama has yet to make an announcement about the issue, but U.S. government officials find it “adorable” that Canada thinks they could possibly stand a chance in attacking.

“Canada is our friend, and they will cool down in no time,” said former President Bill Clinton. “In no way, shape, or form do I think they are being serious about this – they just want to be heard. Canada has always been like the child who can’t get his way, and makes idle threats about ‘taking the ball and going home,’ as it were. I understand some backlash they may be getting from our troubles, but come on now. The only country more laid-back than Canada is Sweden.”

Prime Minister Harper has announced that he will give it 10 weeks before he attacks if he isn’t provided a sit-down with President Obama. “If I get all the way to the ninth week with no response, I will be forced to countdown with warnings. Nine…Nine and a half….Nine and three-quarters. The United States does not want to make us angry,” said Harper.

President Obama Records 10,000th Handshake

Posted on January 22, 2015 by davittslat

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

It was an exuberant day in the Obama regime as President Obama fulfilled one of his long-standing campaign promises of shaking at least 10,000 hands during his presidency.

The excited President stated, “When I tell the American people I’m going to do something, I do it. I came before you in 2008 and made this one of my campaign promises. Well today, that promise was met. However, let me say that I was not the sole recipient of this challenge. There was a lot of hard work put forth by many world leaders, constituents, and the hard-working people of America. This is a testament to the American pride. Yes, we can!”

The President was apprised recently, and found that he was close to setting his goal. Many in the press thought that the President would hit the mark at the recent G3 conventions. German chancellor Angela Merkel and Israel Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu were favored to be the recipient of the 10,000^th handshake, but Obama came up short in the meetings. Speculation grew as to who would be number ten thousand. In a story of a true underdog, Tony Barone from Poughkeepsie, New York, recorded the victorious handshake after the President dropped in to his locally owned hardware store.

“Is this real? Me? Number 10,000? I’m just Tony from Poughkeepsie. This is an honor I will hold sacred in my heart forever. I’ve never been more proud to be an American. USA! USA!,” stated the jubilant owner and cashier.

Republicans weren’t so effusive in their praise of the President’s accomplishment, especially Speaker of the House John Boehner.

“While we recognize the President’s accomplishment, we have to say this is a little late. Six years in and he accomplishes this? Also remember that daps, fist bumps, and high fives are recently counted as a handshake. If this recording were kept under the Bush administration, President Bush would have eclipsed this mark in less than one term.”

Hillary Clinton Insisting Staff Refer To Her As ‘Mrs. President’

Posted on January 21, 2015 by davittslat

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Chris Christie. Mike Huckabee. Maybe even Mitt Romney. Apparently Hillary Clinton isn’t fazed by any potential Republican candidates of impeding her ascension to the presidency. Reportedly, Clinton has called a meeting with her internal staff, and demanded that they start addressing her as President Clinton, starting immediately.

Clinton spokesman, Dominic Santori spoke to the media. “First of all, Mrs. Clinton has not announced that she will be seeking the democratic nomination for president. I’m not saying she’s ruling out a potential run, but nothing is official. If or when it is, I can assure you we will let you know. Until then, Mrs. Clinton is touring to support her New York Times bestselling book, Hard Choices.”

Another member of Clinton’s staff spoke on condition of anonymity. “Of course she’s going to run,” cited the staffer. “This is history here. The first woman president? Why wouldn’t she want that honor? She’s running, trust me, and she’s winning.”

The staffer also confirmed that Clinton, in preparation for the run, is asking her staff to refer to her as Miss President, or President Clinton. “She wants to get used to being referred as that. Although we’re still debating if she should be called Ms., Miss, or Mrs. President. It could be Madam. We have to be prepared for that day in 2016.”

“Bill Clinton has been a part of these meetings as well, and he tried calling his wife ‘Miss President’ a few times, but kept laughing. After a few hours and cocktails, he was able to say it with a straight face. Mrs. Clinton also had a laugh referring to him as the First Lady. She joked they’ll finally have something in common. Those two have a fantastic marriage. They are going to make a great President and First Lady, again.”

Marijuana Infused Desserts To Be Made Legal For Sale Nationwide

Posted on January 21, 2015 by Raoul Stockton

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Peter Carlton, Chief of political negotiations for the National Board of Marijuana Legalities, announced this morning that marijuana-infused brownies and other pastries will be declared legal, once President Obama signs the bill into law.

Carlton, who made the highly anticipated announcement on Capitol Hill, says that congress made the right decision while ultimately making history.

“This is a huge step toward the overall legalization of marijuana. Once the bill is signed into law, it will bring the federal government one step closer to ending the unjustified prohibition of marijuana in the United States of America,” Carlton told the Associated Press. “All American citizens aged twenty-one and over will be able to walk into any liquor store in America, and purchase marijuana infused brownies, cakes, and cookies. I don’t know about you but I call this progress.”

The Obama Administration has made its pro-stance on marijuana well-known, and the President is expected to sign the bill based on statements he made last week at the National Convention of Innovative Nature Provisions and Resources.

“As our hard-working, blue-collar nation, consisting of the great, good-hearted people of America, moves forward one more huge step every day, we realize that many great opportunities lie before us. For instance, the use of taxable medical marijuana and the idea of the complete legalization of recreational marijuana for the use of Americans citizens, who are trusted with consistent and proper judgement. These are the kind of ideas that will cause our struggling but transcending economy to flourish,” President Obama stated during a speech at the annual convention held in Denver, Colorado.

While more and more members of the government are being persuaded daily that the eventual legalization of the schedule I drug is beneficial to all of America, some American citizens say legalizing the pot laced desserts it’s a disgrace such as Jim Pinkerton, a seventy-five year old resident of Huntsville, Alabama.

“I tell ya what it is, it is a disgrace the way our damn government is trying to turn our people into a country of interracial-loving dope heads. My daddy didn’t fight in World War I for a country of these damn liberal pot heads,” Pinkerton said.

The bill is expected to be signed by President Obama next month, and the desserts will be available within the weeks following.

North Korean Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un Killed In Snowmobiling Accident

Posted on January 20, 2015 by Raoul Stockton

NEW YORK CITY, New York –

The Associated Press in New York City, New York is receiving reports from the office of North Korean second-in-command Hwan Cho that North Korean Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un has been killed during a horrific snowmobiling accident just hours ago.

In the onslaught of reports bombarding press rooms, it is said that Kim Jong-un received a snowmobile as a Christmas gift from Russian President Vladimir Putin. The two had previously bonded over their shared hatred of the United States, and had developed a very close friendship according to North Korean third-in-command Chung Chin-mae, who has released a more detailed statement of the tragic account.

In his statement sent worldwide, Chung said that the Supreme Leader had taken the gift out for a joyride just after breakfast.

“It is with a heavy heart filled with sadness that I issue my words upon the people of the world, and relay this tragic message. Kim Jong-un has died after an accident involving the snowmobile given to him as a Christmas gift by Russian President Putin. Supreme Leader took the machine out for riding, and struck a tree branch. He was decapitated, dying only hours later,” Chung said in the statement.

Of course, the news bring mixed emotions among the public of North Korea. Some citizens have taken to the streets with joy, holding signs with phrases of relief, such as”We Are Free”, “The Evil Has Died”, and “America Wins.”

The thirty-one year old Kim had assumed the office of North Korean Supreme Leader on December 17th, 2011. He is survived by his spouse, Ri Sol-ju, a child, Kim Ju-ae, and live-in man slave Dong Bong-cha. Funeral arrangements have not been announced. Second-in-command Hwan Cho has reportedly assumed the title of Supreme Leader of North Korea.