Dallas Police Department To Stop Using Guns, Will Use Alternative Methods To Subdue Criminals

Posted on January 19, 2015 by Raoul Stockton

DALLAS, Texas –

In a bold move, the Dallas Police Department has announced an unprecedented, creative, and groundbreaking strategic plan to curb the reputation of police abuse by taking firearms away from more than ten-thousand police officers.

Nationally respected and highly regarded Dallas Chief of Police, David Brown, made the surprising announcement earlier today at a press conference outside the Jack Evans Police Headquarters in downtown Dallas, home of the Dallas Police administration, as well as the Dallas Museum of Historical Artifacts.

“The entire world knows that here in Texas, the greatest and biggest state in the United States, that we do everything bigger than everybody else in the world. Here in Dallas, the greatest city in the greatest state, we are looked up to for our innovative ways,” said Brown. “Here at the Dallas Police Department, we set the standard for all police departments across the nation. Today I am very proud to stand before you and announce that we have continued this incredible legacy. Effective immediately, we have removed all firearms from all of our officers patrolling the streets of this great city.”

Brown went on to say that all street patrolling police officers were required to turn in their weapons, and will use alternative methods to subdue criminals when times on the beat get desperate.

“Officers will still be well equipped, armed with tasers, pepper spray, batons, blackjacks, brass knuckles, steel-toed boots – the list is quite long. New devices, including laser pointers with which they may temporarily blind violent criminals, will also be added to replace guns. For extreme cases, they will be given access by the Dallas Fire Department to all fire hydrants and hoses in the city, but only for when situations are crucial. They will have more than enough to operate an effective police department while continuing our reputation as the best police department in the world, as well as the most innovative,” Brown said.

Former Vice President Al Gore Arrested For Indecent Exposure

Posted on January 17, 2015 by Raoul Stockton

MIAMI, Florida –

Al Gore, the 66-year-old former Vice President of the United States, who served during the Clinton administration from 1993-2001, was arrested last night outside an upscale Miami, Florida nightclub for indecent exposure according to Miami-Dade Police Department spokesperson Eduardo Cruz.

In the statement released this morning by Cruz, he stated that Gore had been dancing inside the nightclub, and reportedly began taking off all of his clothes when the Will Smith song ‘Gettin Jiggy With It’ came on.

“Witnesses said that when the song came on, Mr. Gore just went wild and kept yelling, ‘I’m so hot! I’m on fire!’, at which point security guards at the popular downtown nightclub, called Heat Wave, escorted Mr. Gore to the parking lot, and made him put his pants back on.” Cruz said.

According to Rico Valazquez, a cab driver who was parked outside the club, Mr. Gore was apparently not ready to go home. “He took his pants back off, and threw them at my windshield. He was saying crazy stuff like ‘I told ya’ll, I told ya it was gonna get hot! hot! hot! up in here! AG is in the house, bringin’ the heat wave, ya heard me?’ Next thing I knew, he was completely naked. It was just crazy,” Valazquez said. “Needless to say, I was laughing my ass off.”

Miami-Dade police showed up on the scene and arrested Gore within minutes. “While they were putting him in the back of the police car, he kept yelling, ‘I’m so hot, the heat is killin me! I’m, so hot, I’m on fiya’ just like that!’ I thought it was pretty hilarious to see somebody like that having such a good time,” Valazquez said with a chuckle. “Guess he was right about the global warming after all. It was certainly keeping him heated up.”

Rhode Island State Legislature To Reinstate Death Penalty, Will Allow For Drug Crimes

Posted on January 16, 2015 by DesireeAmber

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Tuesday, President Barack Obama signed off on a new piece of Rhode Island legislation that would revive the state’s death penalty, allowing lethal injection not only for malicious physical crimes, but also for drug-related crimes.

After decades of not having a death penalty option in the state of Rhode Island after it’s abolishment in 1984, the option will once again be given to judge and juries throughout the state on high-level crimes.

According to lawmakers, it was the people of Providence, Rhode Island who started the petition to bring back the death penalty throughout the state.

“With the crime rate as it stands in Providence, people want to make the streets safer, and that’s what we’re trying to accomplish,” said Jorge Elorza, Providence’s Mayor, during a press conference. “At one point, Rhode Island was a small state, with maybe one execution every few years, based on violent crimes like rape and murder. Now, with this new legislation, those crimes can also be expanded to include the dealing or use of marijuana, driving under the influence, and higher levels of assault charges. We want to keep Rhode Island safe, for all people and future generations.”

“By approving this option for the State of Rhode Island, I am not endorsing the death penalty,” said President Obama. “Please understand, it is the voters choice, and I am only the last line on a very long process of paperwork. The state and cities have spoken, and I am proud to be able to give them the ability to make themselves feel safer.”

Rhode Island lawmakers say that the process to have any changes made to current punishments is a slow-moving one, but that they anticipate the death penalty to be on the table for several crimes by the end of the year.

Congress Looks To Pass Legislation Allowing One Day Per Year That Immigrants Can Legally Cross Border Into US

Posted on January 16, 2015 by JP

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Illegal immigration has been a problem to the United States for several decades. As a nation founded my immigrants, we once welcomed people from all over the world to proudly call America their home. Now, with so many illegal immigrants sneaking into the United States, it has become more of a hot button issue than ever, further dividing the political parties.

Safeguards have been put into place to stop the rapid flow of illegal immigrants coming into America, but with all the manpower, programs, and arrests, congress says that the economy is suffering either way; If an immigrant finds their way in and maintains a job, a legal citizen is losing money. If they get caught, it takes hours of time and thousands of taxpayer dollars to make sure they are deported. A vicious circle that appeared would never end, may be meeting its fate this upcoming year.

Congress has reportedly begun work on new legislation, under which immigrants would be allowed to come to the United States without facing jail time or being deported, the caveat being that it would only be on one specific day each year, with the remainder of the year following the standard deportation laws.

Lawmakers say that their theory behind the change is that the strong workforce of immigrants that will make it across the border one day per year can and will contribute greatly to our society. The legislation would rule that once in the United States, the aliens would register with their existing country’s identification, and be given a temporary green card, with the expectation they are able to find work, and maintain a job for at least 6 months. At the end of the 6 months, a specific form would need to be filled out by the immigrant’s employer, with information about whether or not they are considered a “vital employee.”

Lawmakers say that once the forms are filled out and checked by the state and federal governments, immigrants would be granted full citizenship. The whole process takes approximately 9 months. Immigrants who are not deemed to be of sufficient use to their employers would be deported.

Retired Secret Service Agent Says Child Prevented 2010 Assasination Attempt On President

Posted on January 15, 2015 by Raoul Stockton

ALEXANDRIA, Virginia –

Retired Secret Service agent Leonard Parker, 52, said in an interview with The Virginia Tribune that in 2010 a ten-year-old boy prevented an assassination attempt on President Barack Obama.

“It is one of those things, you just had to be there to believe it, I can’t give you his name but he was nicknamed ‘The Nutcracker‘ by the President,” Parker told veteran political journalist Clyde Ransdell. “The President was playing basketball with players of the Duke University basketball team at a public park in Durham, North Carolina during the summer of 2010. I remember everything about that day very vividly.”

Parker, who was a Secret Service agent in charge of presidential protection detail for over 20 years, says that day was the one that stuck with him the most throughout his entire career.

“It was a gorgeous June afternoon and there were hundreds of people watching the pickup basketball game. I spotted a man acting suspiciously, about fifty yards away. As I casually began to walk toward him, it happened. He reached for a pistol tucked in his waist band, but he was surrounded by children so it was too risky to attempt to take him out. When the child directly in front of him noticed the man had pulled a gun, he reeled back and kicked him square in the balls. The man then doubled over and dropped his weapon, and we were able to subdue the assailant,” Parker described in detail. “To be honest, even though my heart was racing, it was one of the funniest things I’ve ever seen.”

Parker went on to say that the identity of the heroic boy and his father will likely never be disclosed per their request, but said that they remain close friends with President Obama to this day. “Once a year, the family is invited to the White House for a week to spend time with the Obamas. The boy, now fourteen years old, has become a very good friends with Malia Obama, and I hear they spend a lot of time together,” Parker stated.

According to Parker, due to national security reasons, the name of the assailant has never been released. The man remains incarcerated at an unknown location.

President Obama Names Rapper Snoop Dogg As Ambassador To Cuba

Posted on January 15, 2015 by Abe Abrams

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

The White House announced today the President’s pick for Ambassador to Cuba. The President has chosen rapper Snoop Dogg, a decision that curiously did not seem to ruffle too many feathers.

“My choices for Ambassadors have been the target of right-wing attacks in the past,” said President Obama. “It’s true some of my picks on the surface seem bizarre. Soap opera stars and campaign contributors who know nothing of the country or even the language of the countries they are appointed to. What people don’t realize is that it’s more important to represent America well than to actually care about the country you’re in.”

Obama went on to explain that he spends many hours laying awake at night, deciding who should be appointed to which country.

“My choice in appointing Mr. Dogg as Ambassador to Cuba is a good one, as even far right racists will have a hard time complaining. Mr. Dogg knows the language, he has family from Cuba on his Mother’s side, and since ‘his mind is on his money and his money is on his mind’, he has never contributed to any of my campaigns.”

“I’m going to be a great Ambassador,” said Snoop Dogg through a haze of smoke. ”I love Cubans, especially the ladies and the cigars. Those things can be rolled into the best blunts on the planet. I can see it now, me and Castro, smoking blunts at the beach, talking about freedom and democracy. It’s going to be chill. I’m all about chillaxing, love, and the American way. Cuba will be the most laid back place in the world once the Dogg gets there.”

Convicted Pedophile Wins Millions In State Lottery

Posted on January 14, 2015 by DvanL

BATAVIA, Illinois –

Department store employee Edgar Phipps led a quiet life and followed the same routine for years. All that changed last week, though, when he won a state lottery drawing that netted him almost $5 million.

When lottery officials verified Phipps’ identity, though, they say that a disturbing fact came up on his record. According to the Illinois State Lottery Commission, Phipps was a listed on the Illinois state sex offender registry.

“Oh, yeah. I forgot about that,” said Phipps. “Whoops.”

Phipps says he forgot about the multiple incidents of aggravated sexual contact with minors, technically classifying him as a pedophile. “Oh, yeah those,” said Phipps. “Well, that was me getting screwed by the system. They all said they were legal age, but they lied, so the state blamed me and then I had to go to jail for a few years or whatever, then they made me register when I got out. Thank God I don’t have any neighbors nearby or any schools around. I didn’t have to go door-to-door like those freaks do, introducing themselves to neighbors saying ‘Hi, I’m Ed and I’m on a sex pervert list,’ or anything embarrassing like that.”

Phipps claims he received treatment and counseling for a number of years after “the sex things,” and is fully cured. He received the check from the state lottery commission after it was learned that he had received counseling and did not re-offend.

“So anyway,” recalled Phipps, “I get home with the giant check and that’s when the trouble started. I had tons of emails and phone calls from people I didn’t know who must have Googled my name and found out about the sex things. Talk about invasion of privacy!”

According to Phipps, the emails were just the beginning. Phipps claims several of his windows were shattered, and his roof was damaged. “I guess the branch coming down on the roof wasn’t related to the sex thing, but the rocks through the window were a different story. But then again, we did have a really bad hail storm that day, and there was that F4 tornado…now that I think back on it.”

Empire News asked Phipps the number one question asked of every lottery winner: What do you plan on doing with the money?

“Well,” he answered, “last Christmas I had to cut some friends off my gift list, so I’m going to do a belated Christmas for everyone I missed, dressed up as Santa, of course!” On his list: a tricycle, a Little Suzy Easy Cookie Cake Oven, some stuffed animals, and several popular action figures which he plans on giving his friends.

“I’m the luckiest guy alive,” said Phipps. “I feel like I’m on top of the world!”

Phipps says he plans on quitting his department store job and will devote more time to his favorite hobby, taxidermy.

NYC Mayor de Blasio Slams Police, Marches At Anti-Cop Rally

Posted on January 14, 2015 by Abe Abrams

NEW YORK CITY, New York –

NYC Mayor Bill de Blasio furthered the rift between himself and the NYPD by marching with anti-cop protesters yesterday, in a rally just outside the city. Mayor de Blasio, flanked by his wife and son, held signs and chanted along with protesters, calling for an end of the senseless murder of unarmed black men. In an interview with reporters, de Blasio challenged the NYPD to change.

”Not all cops are racist, but some are. Not all cops wake up and decide to murder a black man, but obviously some do. I worry for my son, who is African-American. I’ve told him if he is ever confronted by a cop to immediately put his hands up and yell ‘don’t shoot, my Dad’s the Mayor!’” said de Blasio. “In fact, I give all young black men and women permission to yell ‘don’t shoot, my Dad’s the Mayor!’” I challenge the NYPD to change its ways, to end racism in its ranks. I challenge them to fight fair when someone resists arrest, one on one, hand to hand, no more shooting an unarmed man, no more six-on-one.”

“I think the world would be a better without any cops,” said Protester Joan Williams. “Unless, of course, I was in trouble. I mean, they are good at helping people. Come to think of it, maybe people should stop breaking the law and resisting arrest, and maybe they should stop being violent. I guess it’s not really cops who are the problem after all.”

”The NYPD is the most diverse, most professional, and the best-trained agency in the world,” said NYPD Spokesman Sgt. Allen O’Hara. “We are entrusted with keeping the people of New York safe, and enforcing the laws of the city. What the Mayor should be doing is working to get the people to trust us, and understand we’re here to help, not here to harm. But, you know, not every mayor can be as great as Rudy Giuliani.”

Victim Of George Zimmerman Domestic Assault Identified As 22-Year-Old Live-In Boyfriend

Posted on January 11, 2015 by Raoul Stockton

LAKE MARY, Florida –

George Zimmerman was arrested on Friday, January 9th and charged with aggravated assault and domestic violence with a weapon after an argument.

Today, the name of the victim and his relation to Zimmerman were released to the public. The victim, identified as Zimmerman’s 22-year-old live-in boyfriend, Hector Valenzeula, suffered severe facial injuries and is in stable condition at St. Lucia & Mary’s Hospital.

Police received a call after a concerned neighbor heard the two men arguing very loudly and repeated loud crashing noises. Upon arrival, police officers reportedly found Zimmerman on top of the victim, striking him repeatedly with a miniature Louisville Slugger baseball bat, which was covered in Valenzeula’s blood.

The 31-year-old Zimmerman became a nationally known controversial figure in 2012, after he saw Trayvon Martin, a 17-year-old African-American boy wearing a hooded sweatshirt in his Sanford, Florida, neighborhood. Zimmerman confronted Martin and wound up shooting and killing the unarmed teen. After an extremely high-profile case, which was racially delicate, Zimmerman was found not guilty.

According to Lake Mary Police Department spokesperson Rochelle McCaffrey, Valenzeula and Zimmerman had been fighting after Valenzeula allegedly walked in on Zimmerman and two other men taking part in activities of a sexual nature. The two men, unnamed in the case, immediately fled the residence, leaving Valenzeula and Zimmerman alone. Shortly after, the alleged assault took place.

“He isn’t a boyfriend, though,” said Zimmerman in an interview with police detectives. “It’s true he stays at the house, but he’s more of a live-in, uh, gardener. Yeah, that’s it. He’s a live-in gardener! And uh, a cook! Absolutely no sexual things happen between myself and Mr. Valenzeula. He merely trims my hedges and tosses my salads. That’s all.”

Zimmerman is currently being held on $20,000 bond at John E. Polk Correctional Facility ran by the Seminole County Sheriffs Department.

Kim Jong Un Admits He Loved ‘The Interview,’ Plans To Show The Film To North Korean People

Posted on January 9, 2015 by JP

PYONGANG, North Korea –

Continuing with the controversy surrounding the new release of the movie The Interview, North Korean leader Kim Jong-un has said that he was wrong to have publicly debased the film, and that after watching the movie, found it to be “hysterical.”

Sony had initially pulled the movie from theatres after backing down due to terrorist threats, and the world let out a collective angry scream as they wouldn’t get a glimpse at why this movie was considered to be too dangerous to show. Shortly afterwards, though, the company reversed their decision, and allowed the film to be screened at any theatre wishing to show it, as well as releasing it through streaming media services such as YouTube and XBox Media Center.

“Having now been able to actually see the movie, his supreme ruler Kim Jong un has reversed his previous statements about it, and now deems it to be something the world should see, as he believes it makes him look very human,” said a publicist for Jong un. “The movie will even be shown in North Korea, albeit cut to promote our Supreme Leader as the hero and God that he is.”

Kim Jong un claims that the only reason he ever denounced the film was that he was angry that producers had never sent him a copy for review, and he had never even been given the chance to see it. Once the movie was made available publicly, he made time to watch and review the movie.

“Supreme Leader has said that he is glad that someone made him a bootleg copy of the film for him to see,” said the publicist. “Kim Jong un is an avid movie fan, and loves Hollywood cinema. He also wishes to be able to receive further screener copies of movies so as he can begin work on his new movie review website for the North Korean people, ‘SupremeLeaderWatchesMoviesBecauseYouCannot.com'”