Golf Ball Hit From Moon During Apollo 14 Mission Found By Rover On Mars

Posted on January 25, 2015 by Abe Abrams

CAPE CANAVERAL, Florida –

NASA today confirmed images relayed to Earth by the Mars Rover are, indeed, a Titleist golf ball. Scientists were happy to report that the mystery of the golf ball has been solved, and that there’s a logical explanation for it.

”When the image of the golf ball was released, internet rumors ranged from golf playing aliens to the Mars Rover mission being a NASA hoax filmed here on Earth. I’m happy to report we have solved the mystery of the golf ball found in the Gabrielle Crater on Mars,” said Lead Mars Rover scientist Carl White. “The golf ball is none other than the one Alan Shepard hit off the lunar surface in 1971 during the Apollo 14 mission. When Mr. Shepard hit the ball on the Moon, with the Moon’s low gravity the ball was launched into space. We have calculated the ball traveled 35 million miles and took forty years to land on Mars.”

“Since the ball landed in Gabrielle Crater we are happy to say that a NASA astronaut now holds the longest hole in one record in golf history,” said president of Titleist Golf Company Joe Goldsmith. “Unfortunately, Mr. Shepard died in 1988, but I met him a few times, and I’m sure he would be proud to hold such a record.”

“Alan played golf all the time,” says widow Mary Shepard. ”I’m not sure how proud he would be though that the ball was found on Mars. When he got back from the Apollo 14 mission in 1971, he told me he was aiming at Uranus, so he must have hooked it.”

Experts Say Smartphones Causing Dramatic Increase In Permanent Blindness Among Americans

Posted on January 24, 2015 by Raoul Stockton

NEW YORK CITY, New York –

Dr. Henry Lee Sen-Su, a researcher and doctor in the field of ophthalmology, is one of the leading experts on blindness in the world. Sen-Su and says that people are killing their eyesight, and within the next fifteen to twenty years, nearly thirty percent of Americans will be inflicted with some degree of permanent blindness.

“The average American smartphone owner checks their phone over 150 time in one day. While some do not spend much time on theirs, many look at their smartphones up to one thousand times in a day, an alarming and extremely dangerous routine,” Dr. Sen-Su said. “This, in my opinion, is just as much of a problem as the obesity epidemic here. It is my educated and guaranteed expert opinion that in the next fifteen to twenty years, over one-quarter of the nations adults, age 40 and older, will become legally blind. All because they can’t resist checking their news feed or checking for whatever bizarre news topics or celebrity is trending. Something must be done, and it needs to be done quickly.”

According to Dr. Sen-Su, the screens that make up our smartphones, whether it be iPhones or a Samsung Galaxy, are becoming “too good,” causing a mild retina burn whenever you look at them. “Thank God that the teeny-tiny phone trend is dying,” said Sen-Su. “The larger phones coming back means slightly less eye strain, which was only compounding the problem.”

Maxwell Picholucini, a spokesperson for NABA, the National Association of Blindness Awareness, says that the organization has set up an agenda to promote the act of personal and vocal interaction to substitute for text messaging.

“The facts are in, and the research has proven that our phones are causing harm to our eyesight. People need to not rely on texting so much, and start making calls and actually talking to each other on their phones. Burning your retinas with your smart phone is not very smart,” Picholucini said. “We at NABA are promoting a slow-down in technology, and are also looking at even going back to older pieces, such as fax machines and rotary phones. Saving people from going blind is our top priority.”

NASA’s Hubble Telescope Discovers Signs of Life In Extremely Distant Galaxy

Posted on January 21, 2015 by Raoul Stockton

WASHINGTON, D.C –

Officials at NASA headquarters in Washington, D.C, have confirmed that the powerful Hubble telescope has found what experts believe to be conclusive evidence of life within a distant galaxy which was discovered last month.

NASA spokesperson Carl Wright said that the new findings are a major breakthrough for not only NASA, but for the entire world. “What we have found, with the proof we have discovered, this is possibly the biggest, most important finding in NASA history,” Wright told the Associated Press. “This absolutely puts to rest any doubt that life exists outside of our own galaxy.”

Peering through the giant cosmic magnifying glass, the Hubble Space Telescope spotted the galaxy last month. It is said to be the furthest galaxy ever seen, at more than 65 billion light years away. The galaxy, known as X12-P45, was detected by the Frontier Fields program, an ambitious three-year study that teams Hubble with NASA’s other observatories, the Spitzer Space Telescope and the powerful Chandra X-ray Observatory. These powerful lenses allow astronomers to find distant, dim structures that until now have been too faint to see.

Wright went on to explain in the briefing that the forms of life discovered seem to be those of intelligence. “We aren’t just talking about a few plants or trees of some kind, we are talking about intelligent life forms which have built structures, civilizations, buildings. These structures were built by something, which only leads us to believe they are aliens of some kind, maybe even very human-like beings. It remains to be seen, but this is huge progress for the entire world to find something of such important significance,” Wright stated.

When asked if NASA expects the findings of alleged intelligent life form to panic people on the planet Earth, Wright chuckled, and assured that there is no impending source of danger. “We clearly are the aggressors here, the people of the world have nothing to fear. We can’t do anything without being violent and forceful, so if we know they are there before they know we are here, then all is well. The further ahead we get in science, the bigger the advantage we have. If these turn out to be hostile alien life forms, we will take the bull by the horns. Never under-estimate the power of mankind.” he said.

Private companies, including McDonald’s and Starbucks, say they are willing to fund an expedition to explore the new galaxy and planet, in exchange for being the first Earth establishments allowed to build there.

Teen’s Dental Retainer Acts As Wi-Fi Hotspot

Posted on January 19, 2015 by DvanL

AKRON, Ohio –

Hal Dragna knew something was up when he noticed his 14-year-old daughter, Sally, using her smartphone in a place so remote, no cell phone service was available.

“We went on hiking vacation, and my wife and I asked the kids to leave their devices at home.” The family of four was on a three-day hiking trip through nearby West Branch State Park. “I wanted them to disconnect for a while.” Even though he knew his daughter and his 13-year-old son had brought their devices, he looked the other way.

“I walked up to them on day 2 to see if they were ‘ready to roll’ and got the shock of my life. They were online!” said Dragna.

Although the nearest cell phone tower and wi-fi hotspot was miles away, they were online and surfing. He questioned his kids and the answer he got was even more shocking. Daughter Sally’s new retainer, acting in conjunction with a few of her metallic fillings, were acting as a wi-fi hotspot.

“Sally told me that the night before, she couldn’t fall asleep because she kept hearing ‘radio noises’, and thought they were coming from her mouth,” said Dragna. “She was too afraid to say anything because she knew she wasn’t supposed to have her phone, plus she thought she was going crazy. She told her brother, but not me or her mother.”

“My mouth dropped open when I saw the signal, I was so excited,” said Sally, “and the bars jumped up from 2 to 5. I figured out when I opened my mouth the signal got stronger, and I knew it was my retainer. My grandfather told me about old radio sets he built where he used a spring mattress for a radio antenna, so I knew my new retainer had to be doing the same thing!”

“Crystal” radio sets were simple receivers, popular when radio communication was in its early days. They didn’t need a power source, and were activated by a wire antenna. The sound is weak compared to battery-powered sets, but could be heard by Sally, with her skull acting as an amplifier.

The phenomenon was short-lived, however. When the family returned from the trip, Sally went in for a scheduled dental adjustment, and her ‘radio days’ were over.

“It was fun while it lasted,” said Sally, “but my dad wont’ stop calling me ‘Radiohead.’ I think that was the name of an old band from the 90s or something. He’s worse than my brother sometimes,” she added.

Scientist Says Hawaii Has Moved Closer To Continental US; Expects State To Hit Within 30 Years

Posted on January 17, 2015 by JP

HONOLULU, Hawaii –

Have you ever wanted to take a trip to Hawaii but hate flying? Well, in about 30 years, you’ll be able to easily drive there, according to geographical research scientist Matt Gantt. In a study that Gantt has been leading for the last 10 years, the geological scientist says that they have found that the entire main island of Hawaii has slowly, but surely, moved closer to the coast of California.

The study began after geologists set to work mapping out the islands, and while doing so, noticed that the numbers didn’t add up to an older map, and that the main section of Hawaii had seemingly moved closer to the mainland continental United States. 5 years later, they checked again, and again the found the islands to have drifted closer. In 2015, the study indicated a total movement of nearly 100 miles.

“At the rate it is going, it looks as though Hawaii will become part of the continental states within the next 30 years,” said Gantt. “We are currently researching ways to stop this, but so far my team and I coming up empty. Our main hope is to find a way to do so before it hits the coast, which could potentially cause major disasters and coastal flooding.”

Gantt says that if they are unable to stop Hawaii from drifting, it could also cause a huge climate change for not only the islands, but also for anyone on the west coast. Fear of wild life extinction and severe weather, among other things, is a top priority for Gantt and his team as they work to change what they say is, at this point, an inevitability.

“We have considered many options, but so far nothing has worked on paper, and with movement on such a massive scale, we need to plan thoroughly before acting. At this point, it would seem our best option may be to just get giant anchors and hang them off the edges of the islands. It might be our only way to stop, or slow, the movement.”

2-Week-Old Baby Stuns Medical Community; Speaks In Full Sentences, Has Perfect English Skills

Posted on January 11, 2015 by JP

HUNTSVILLE, Alabama –

Two weeks ago, Carly Willis, 34, gave birth to a healthy baby boy she named Matthew. Born happy and healthy, the story takes an amazing turn, after it is being reported that the 2-week-old is already speaking, and in full sentences and perfect English.

Willis says she was in the living room of her home the day that she brought Matthew back from the hospital, and heard someone speaking in Matthew’s room down the hall.

“I was watching television in the living room after I put Matthew to bed. I started to drift off a bit myself, and at first I thought the noises were just the TV show I was watching. I awoke to someone screaming ‘Help me! Hey, I need some help in here!’ It scared me because it was coming from my son’s room,” said Willis. “I thought someone was in there with him.”

Willis says that when she went into his room, Matthew had a full diaper, and was asking her to help by changing him.

“I put a new diaper on him, and then he breathed out, like a huge sigh of relief, then said ‘Thanks, Mommy!’ I almost fainted, but I thought it’d be best to take him back to the hospital to make sure he was okay.”

Doctors at Huntsville Children’s Hospital were in shock to see Matthew speaking, and all say it is the most amazing thing that they’ve ever seen.

“I’ve been a doctor for over 15 years, and this is the most insane thing that I’ve ever seen,” said Dr. Ann Pooler. “Little Matthew speaks perfectly, in full sentences, with just a slight Southern drawl. It’s really kind of cute. He’s a little miracle.”

Representatives for the hospital say that they are working with specialists from around the world to better understand Matthew’s ability, and hope to find out how he is able to communicate so well at such a young age.

New University Study Shows Marijuana Concentrate ‘Dabs’ Cause Brain Cancer

Posted on January 7, 2015 by DesireeAmber

TUCSON, Arizona –

At the University of Arizona College of Medicine, recent test studies show that smoking marijuana concentrates, also called “dabs,” users are increasing their risk of developing cancerous cells in their brain by almost 7 times when compared to just regular weed smoking.

Out of 75 test subjects, 11 subjects, both male and female, are showing signs of cancerous activity after only 18 months of smoking the concentrated marijuana dabs. Monitored behavior logs were kept, along with consultations and activities performed daily, monitoring standard marijuana smoking versus dab smokers.

University of Arizona representative Amanda Schuyler released the findings after concluding that the public needed to have the information on hand before the study would be fully completed.

“As the use of ‘dabs’ becomes more and more common amongst marijuana users seeking a much better high, we felt we needed to get our findings out there as soon as possible, as the dangers of holding onto such information could be disastrous,” said Schuyler. “The effects of residual butane exposure, which is a chemical used in preparing the dabs, actually isn’t as bad as you’d think. What’s really causing the cancer to grow at such a rapid rate is the concentrated marijuana. Taking one dab is just like smoking 4,000 joints at once. It’s deadly.”

7 Out of the 11 subjects being observed while using concentrates that were negatively effected are showing severe destruction of neurons in the brain, losses unlike anything ever seen. With no current possibility for regrowth of brain matter, it’s being suggested by the university researchers that concentrated ‘dabs’ be categorized with the government as a class 1 felony drug.

Debates have been heated in the medical marijuana, as well as recreational-use communities as to the benefits of these concentrates. Marijuana concentrates, also known on the streets as “hippie crack,” is made by using marijuana and butane to transform the plant into a goopy liquid, which gets heated and smoked through special, often very elaborate, glass pipes.

“I really hope that the government listens to our findings on this horrible, seriously damaging drug,” said Schuyler. “Just like standard marijuana, this new form is extremely deadly and could easily kill you. It needs to be controlled by the government, and it needs to be a strict felony as punishable by law.”

Harvard Study Suggests Frequent Use Of Contact Lenses May Increase Cancer Risks

Posted on January 3, 2015 by Raoul Stockton

CAMBRIDGE, Massachusetts –

A recent medical science study conducted at prestigious Harvard University has revealed an alarming statistic. Those who wear contact lenses on a daily basis are fifteen-times more likely to develop various types of cancer.

The study, led by Harvard professor, Dr. Carmine Altmann, uncovered the shocking statistic during a five-year research program which correlated the use of materials cancer victims come into contact with on a daily basis in relation to the severity of their disease. Dr. Altmann says that the study, which is currently in its fourth year, has discovered that one personal item tends to stick out like a sore thumb – contact lenses.

“Unfortunately numbers do not lie. This is both a major cause for concern as well as a significant medical breakthrough,” Altmann said. “There are two types of contact lenses which the visually impaired use: soft contact lenses, which are made of soft, flexible plastics that allow oxygen to pass through to the cornea, and Rigid Gas Permeable contact lenses, which are made up of a more durable plastic and are resistant to deposit buildup, and generally give a clearer, crisper vision. It is my educated guess the culprit are the types of plastics used to manufacture the contact lenses.”

For several years, scientists and environmentalist have found plastic materials, which are used for just about everything, to be very questionable in their relations to both human health and the environment.

Environmental safety scientist Charles James Epperson says he is not surprised by the results which Altmann’s group discovered. “I’ve been saying for years that the human race relies too much on various types of plastics. Plastics disguise their toxicity very well and it takes years of exposure to find any kind of effect on the human body or environment. We need to focus more studies on alternative forms of durable, comfortable materials for product manufacturing.”

The study, which has continued as the new year begins, has also begun looking into plastics that may cause cancer in other parts of the body, including cheap hairpieces that cause scalp cancer, certain sneakers which could cause foot cancer, and the possibility of plastic shopping bags leading to finger and hand cancers.

NASA Scientists Admit Moon Landing Was A Hoax

Posted on January 2, 2015 by Abe Abrams

HOUSTON, Texas –

NASA officials today admitted what many conspiracy theorists have been claiming for years, that man never walked on the moon. Chief scientist Alan Anderson said the lunar landing hoax had ‘gone on long enough,’ and that it was becoming ridiculous to keep claiming that men have been to the moon.

”You have to understand, NASA was under a lot of pressure when President Kennedy promised the Nation that he’d put a man on the moon before the Ruskies,” said Space Technology Scientist Alan Anderson. “We told him it was impossible, so he knew it had to be faked.”

“As the story goes he threatened to cut off funding if we didn’t go along with the hoax,” said NASA engineer Rod Sterling. “People are smarter these days, and it’s getting more ridiculous and more difficult to keep the lie going. We’re coming forward today to put an end to the lies and the manipulation of the public, and to put a stop to a planned 2018 hoax Mars mission. NASA does a lot of good things, and our technology advances have helped mankind in many ways. I just don’t want to see us waste our time and your tax dollars. We have real work to do.”

NASA spokesmen said that President Obama had, like all presidents before him, knowledge of the hoax, and was required to keep it a secret by the CIA and the White House.

“In the government, it’s normally extremely hard to keep a secret. Something like this, I can’t believe we’ve been able to keep it going this long,” said Anderson. “I mean, Nixon couldn’t keep a break-in at a hotel under wraps, and Clinton couldn’t keep his affairs out of the media for more than 5 minutes. I honestly can’t believe no one has spilled the beans before now.”

Time Warner Cable Announces Internet, Cable Services Will Be Down For Security Upgrades In February

Posted on December 29, 2014 by Raoul Stockton

NEW YORK, New York –

Time Warner Cable spokesperson Lavette Ansari announced that Time Warner Cable services, including broadband internet, would not be available to customers on February 29th, due to maintenance and network testing.

In the statement, Ansari said that the shut down for network maintenance was necessary to maintain the high quality broadcasting product and superior internet service the media giant company offers.

“We at Time Warner are proud of the fact that we have the best cable and internet service available for all of America,” Ansari said. “In order to maintain our incredible product and services, it is absolutely necessary that we perform this uninterrupted testing and overall product assessment before any problems arise.”

The decision to shut down and perform these maintenance actions comes at a time during which many media companies and internet services are being attacked by groups of rogue hackers. Both Playstation and Xbox networks have each been hacked and shut down recently, as well as Chase Bank and Sony Pictures Entertainment. The plague is not confined to the United States either, as North Korea has gone without internet service throughout the entire country following the actions of sophisticated hacking.

Other internet and cable companies are expected to follow suit according to University of Maryland Professor of Media Technologies & Sciences, Dr. Mamauf Abdul Rahim. “In this age of vast technology, knowledge which is now easily obtained. With the modern age of technology, there are mostly positives but with that also comes the potential of attack,” Rahim stated. “No company, no matter how big or small, as well as individuals, no matter how powerful, are a potential victim of extreme cyber attack. The appropriate measures of prevention must be taken in order to keep hacking risks as low as possible.”

Ansari added in her statement to select members of the Associated Press that in order to keep customer complaints as low as possible, the company wanted to give fair warning. ” It is important that the news of this shutdown be highly anticipated in order for our loyal customers to prepare themselves,” Ansari said. “We know that a full 24 hours is an extremely long time to go for some people to not use the internet.”