Man Who Had World’s First Horse Penis Transplant Signs Deal To Star In Series Of Adult Films

Posted on January 24, 2015 by Raoul Stockton

LOS ANGELES, California –

Nicolas Waterbury, the recipient of the world’s first ever horse-to-human penis transplant in July of 2014, made news again earlier this week when he signed a deal with Elite Adult Entertainment, an up-and-coming giant in the adult film industry.

Owner and CEO of EA Entertainment, Ron Wetsherbed, has issued a statement regarding the deal.

“We are very, very excited to get this deal completed. We had been keeping in touch with Mr. Waterbury since his surgery, and have been following his progress. He has officially been cleared as having a completely healthy, normally functioning penis. Something that is music to our ears,” Wetsherbed said.

The deal, worth $2 million, consists of a series of ten films in which Waterbury will co-star with popular adult film actresses who will be announced at a later date.

Wetsherbed said that it is a tremendous and honorable opportunity for his company to become a pioneer of sorts. “This is a first, not just in the adult film industry, but a man with a real horse penis is huge news. Having that man in our films? It is absolutely priceless. It is something everyone will want to see, whether they like pornography or not, and whether they admit it or not. It is one of those things you just have to see to believe, and I can say I have seen it and just let me say, he is going to be a very, very popular man by the end of this year. Mark my words.”

Make-A-Wish Foundation Grants 9-Year-Old’s Wish To Direct Porno Film

Posted on January 19, 2015 by Abe Abrams

AKRON, Ohio –

The parents of a 9-year-old boy have filed a lawsuit against the ‘Make A Wish’ Foundation, claiming that the charity let their son direct a pornographic film.

“My son Joey’s wish was not to direct a porno film,” said Lisa Stevens. ”He’s only 9, for God’s sake. He doesn’t even know what a porno is. Michael Bay is his idol, and he wanted to help direct a Michael Bay film. He wanted to direct Transformers 5, not Transgenders 5. They’re telling me it was a mix up, but there’s no way they’re that stupid. This is an outrage!”

“The Make-A-Wish Foundation grants wishes, it’s what we do. We do our best to get the wish as close as possible, but some are harder than others. The truth is, Michael Bay is a busy man, and Transformers 5 isn’t even being made yet. The kid wanted to be a director, so we got him on a set to direct for a day,” says Make-A-Wish spokesperson Will Watson. “I want to make it clear that Joey did not see anything inappropriate. We had him direct the pizza delivery scene. You know, the one where the customer ‘didn’t have enough money to pay?’ It’s in every adult movie. Joey didn’t see anything bad, and he seemed happy to be directing. We really don’t know what the big deal is.”

“I wish my Mom wasn’t so mad,” said Joey. ”I had so much fun directing! I mean, it kinda stunk there were no robots, but everyone was really nice on the set. I learned a lot about directing, plus I learned how to get a pizza for free! The best part is, they said the one scene I filmed will be in thousands of movies. Forget Michael Bay, I want to be the next Max Hardcore!”

Tom Cruise Critically Injured During Filming Of ‘Mission: Impossible 5’

Posted on January 4, 2015 by Raoul Stockton

LONDON, England –

According to UK entertainment source MovieNews Weekly, Tom Cruise was critically injured during the filming of the fifth installment of the Mission: Impossible movie series in London late Saturday evening.

The 52-year-old actor, who insists on performing his own stunts, was shooting a scene in which his character, Ethan Hunt, tosses an exploding briefcase into the car of a would be assassin, but according to reports, the pyrotechnic-wired briefcase prematurely detonated just after leaving the actors hand. Those on the scene said it was a horrific sight, as Cruise’s groin area seemed to take the brunt of the blow.

“It was awful man. The thing didn’t go off when it was supposed to and the explosion caught us all off guard. Then I heard it. The screams, I will never forget his screams man,” co-star Ving Rhames said. “I immediately ran over to him, and at first I didn’t know what to do, so I just grabbed his crotch to stop the bleeding. It was just instinct, ya’ know? I looked down and I noticed he had his balls right there in his hand; they weren’t even attached anymore. God, I can’t even talk about it. I threw up everywhere. It was the most gruesome thing I have ever seen.”

Cruise was immediately transported to Royal London Hospital, where he underwent a five-hour surgery led by Dr. Frederick Carlton. According to Carlton, the surgery went very well, and the actor is recovering and is now in stable condition.

Cruise, who seems to always look on the bright side of things, said that even if they hadn’t been able to re-attach his missing penis and testicles, he’d still consider himself to be very lucky for being able to do what he does for a living.

“Don’t get me wrong, I’m glad that they put it back on, and from what they say, eventually it will look and perform just as it always did very soon,” said Cruise from his hospital bed. “Thankfully, my penis doesn’t play a huge role in Mission: Impossible, so I should be able to get back to work within the next week or two. But because I didn’t want to lose any confidence when it comes to performing and stunt work after this little mishap, I did have them replace my testicles with an even bigger set made from smooth, surgical-grade steel.”

Executives at Paramount Pictures, distribution company for Mission: Impossible 5 said that filming would continue without Cruise while he recovers, and that he is expected to return to work by mid-January.

Disney Announces New Animated Film With First Lesbian Princess

Posted on December 7, 2014 by Bob The Empire News Potato

HOLLYWOOD, California –

Disney announced yesterday a new film that many are calling a ‘breakthrough’ in the world of animation. The studio, known for their many stories of girls who are seeking their Prince Charming, have said that they are creating a new fairy-tale about a young girl who, this time, is seeking her Princess Charming.

“We have tried to branch out over the years, when it comes to our female characters,” said Disney executive Ellen Etheridge. “We have come a long way from Sleeping Beauty, and have tried to introduce strong female characters that young children can look up to. We introduced an African-American Princess a few years back, and we are looking to break new ground once more.”

Etheridge says that the new film, which is currently being written by Disney scribe Pete Docter (Toy Story, Up), centers on a young girl named Jude, who is struggling with the fact that she’s not like the other girls in her school, who are only interested in boys, shopping, and ‘getting pretty.’

“Jude is an orphan, and has very few people in her life that care for her. She is confused, as a lot of young, gay boys and girls can be,” said Etheridge. “When she is magically transported to a dream world, she meets and falls in love with another young girl, Brandie. The story revolves around Jude’s adventure in her real-world, trying to make it back to Brandie in the dream-world.”

“I want it to be something that all children can enjoy, not just gay children,” said Docter. “This is the first time that Disney has ever tried to make film like this, so it has to be just spectacular. The story is coming along well, and I think that everyone will be extremely happy with the film. It’s not stepping lightly on the aspect of homosexuality, it’s going to break down the walls. ”

Despite Docter’s extreme optimism, many parents groups are outraged by the idea that their children will be begging them to see a movie based around gay characters.

“I have no intention of letting my child see that filth,” said Mary Lambert, mother of Kathy, aged 7. “I know that she is going to want to see it, and then she’ll be singing the damn songs all day, which will probably all be about sodomy, or dildos, or other homo stuff. The she’ll want to go out as the character on Halloween. Then she’ll want toys and bed sheets and t-shirts and the DVD of the movie. Then she’ll start being interested in girls, and before I know it, she’ll be coming out to me while I cry my eyes out that I’ll never have a grandchild. This movie will be the death of Disney, I’ll see to it!”

Disney plans on releasing the as-yet-untitled film in the winter of 2016.

A possible look for Jude, in the new Disney film about a young lesbian orphan.

Sony Pictures Admits Hacking, Film ‘Leaks’ Were Marketing Stunt

Posted on December 1, 2014 by Bob The Empire News Potato

LOS ANGELES, California –

The internet has been abuzz the last several days as news of Sony Pictures’ servers being hacked, reportedly by North Koreans, hit the circuit, with Sony representatives stating that they had been locked out of many of their own computers and social media accounts, as well as several major motion pictures being stolen and distributed through online resources.

As it turns out, though, a Sony Pictures employee accidentally spilled the beans, when he let it slip to a reporter that the ‘hacking’ was all staged, and that the films that were released to the internet, including the remake of Annie and the bio-pic To Write Love on Her Arms, were expected to be ‘giant pieces of shit’ that ‘no one would ever pay to see anyway.’

“The movies that were leaked, with the exception of the Brad Pitt movie Fury, are all movies no one has any interest in seeing anyway,” said the unnamed source. “Oh boy, a remake of Annie, a classic that everyone was sick of decades ago, with an ‘urban’ cast. Wow. The To Write Love on Her Arms movie – hell, I work at the studio, and even I don’t know what that is. Another Kat Dennings flick. Again, truly underwhelmed. That’s why the studio let these movies end up online.”

The source says that Sony executives hatched the scheme to hire a group of hackers to ‘infiltrate’ their systems and lock everyone out – that way even most people who work for them wouldn’t know it was just a ruse to drum up excitement for their films.

“I only found out because I overheard some studio heads talking. ‘My God, I can’t believe we’re actually giving away these movies!’ they were saying. With the holidays coming up, and Annie coming out nationwide, I think they wanted people to go see it. It’s weird how it works – if people think that something is worth stealing, then they’ll actually pay for it. Capitalism!”

Sony Executives could not be reached for comment.

Liam Neeson Says Next Movie Is Just ‘Two Hours of Being a Badass’ While Talking on Phone

Posted on September 23, 2014 by Bob The Empire News Potato

LOS ANGELES, California –

At one point in time, Irish actor Liam Neeson was best known for starring roles in dramas such as Schindler’s List or romantic comedies such as Love Actually, but after his turn as an ex-CIA assassin in the film 2008 Taken and its sequel Taken 2 in 2012, Neeson became known more for his badass phone call skills, especially when it comes to threatening kidnappers. In the film A Walk Among The Tombstones, which was released in the US this past weekend, Neeson again plays an ex-badge, this time a former NYPD detective, who once again makes his presence known to a set of kidnappers via several intense phone conversations.

Because Neeson says he is not afraid of being typecast as “that phone guy,” he has reportedly accepted a role in a new film that begins shooting next month in Southern California, simply titled Lots of Phone Calls. Neeson will play a character who does nothing but speak in threatening, yet soothing, tones to an antagonist over the phone.

“I really got to stretch my legs as an actor, getting into some gritty action back when I did Taken,” says Neeson. “Taken 2 was also a ton of fun, and people really love to see me get wild and kick some ass. More often, though, when I meet fans on the street, they always just want me to call their friends on their cell phones and say ‘I will find you, and I will kill you.’ It’s really a kick in the pants, you know?”

Neeson says this next film will just be made up of shots of him in a dimly lit room, wearing a tight, long-sleeved shirt and an old jacket, cussing-out and threatening a group of bad guys.

“They don’t know for sure if the film’s villains will be foreign, or maybe they’ll be American. We don’t even know for sure if I’ll be playing an American or not. All we know, is that the film is going to be intense, and filled with a lot of action – if you consider harsh, tense voices to be action. It’s going to be two hours of being a badass over the phone.”

The movie is currently in pre-production, and is reportedly being directed by Antoine Fuqua.

Ben Affleck Quits Role As Batman, Studio Hires Chris Pratt As Replacement

Posted on August 26, 2014 by carriesnotscary

LOS ANGELES, California –

After several months and an incomplete movie role, Ben Affleck officially announced his immediate resignation from the role of Bruce Wayne/Batman. Affleck’s resignation came in a comment he left on a thread insulting him on popular website Reddit.com. Within minutes of Warner Bros. confirming the resignation with Affleck’s publicist, they hired Chris Pratt (Guardians of the Galaxy, “Parks and Recreation”) to fill the role.

The original announcement on Reddit came from Affleck’s official Reddit account, Ben_Affleck. It was a response to a comment from user ‘Y_isBenBatman’, that asked, as even their username pointed out, why Warner Bros. would ever hire Ben Affleck to play Batman. The comment was up-voted over ten thousand of times.

The response via the Ben_Affleck account was simply “I am Ben Affleck, and I quit Batman.”

Affleck has nearly wrapped shooting Batman V Superman: Dawn of Justice, and was under contract to star as the caped crusader in several other films.

“We don’t care that Ben breached his contract. He’s a great guy. He’s so lovable, but we’re so relieved that we don’t have to deal with the ‘Batfleck’ backlash anymore. Plus, thanks to that movie he’s got going right now that we desperately wish we had made, Chris Pratt is a mega-star. Not to mention his role on that show about the. . . uh, it’s on NBC? Eh, whatever. He’s on TV, so he’s got a flexible schedule,” said a Warner Bros. executive.

When asked to comment, Affleck referred all comments to his wife, Jennifer Garner. “I encouraged him to resign,” Garner said. “There’ve been too many sleepless nights while Ben’s on Reddit crying. I just couldn’t take it anymore. It was worse than when he read the Daredevil reviews. He still cries about Gigli in the shower, but he can’t keep Batman in the shower, you know? It wasn’t even this bad when Jersey Girl was coming out.”

Pratt, along with Warner Bros., is absolutely thrilled that he has been asked to take on the physically demanding role. “Dude, this is so awesome. I mean, I really feel for Ben. It sucks that he resigned in disgrace and stuff. He’s such a good guy, he has Oscars. But, I am Batman now. I never thought my career would go in this direction when I was playing that hippie on The O.C. Man, first I get to guard the galaxy, now I’ll get to guard Gotham. Awesome.”

According to studio reports, Warner Bros. still has Batman V Superman: Dawn of Justice slated for a release date of March 25, 2016. “All we’ve really filmed so far are shots of Ben in the suit with a lot of devastation in the background, which can be easily replaced. Chris Pratt is a pro, he’ll get this done for us in no time,” director Zack Snyder said.