Vandals Destroy Beirut Monument On 32nd Anniversary of Bombing

Posted on October 24, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

JACKSONVILLE, North Carolina –

32 years ago, 241 servicemen were killed in Beirut, Lebanon during a bombing of their barracks. A memorial was built in Jacksonville, North Carolina to commemorate the lives lost, but apparently someone doesn’t feel as positive about our military.

“We have no idea who would destroy this landmark, but we’re going to have to guess that it was juveniles,” said Lt. Col. Joe Goldsmith of the 3rd Division. “Judging by the crude humor displayed in the desecration of the sign, we are working with police to discover who could have, and would even consider, committing such a crime.”

Photographs show the monument, which reads “We Came In Peace,” as being scribbled out with spray paint. The vandals replaced “Peace” with “Her Face,” making the monument less of an honor of the servicemen killed, and more of an honor of the many servicewomen who are performing a slightly different service.

“Look, I know it’s wrong to laugh and everything, but holy Hell, that’s pretty funny,” said Jacksonville native Mark Jeffries. “I have no qualms with the military. I wouldn’t join, because I’m not a full-blown retard, but whatever makes you happy I guess. I don’t want anyone to die. But no one died here, it was just a goof. If my son did this, I’d be giving him a pat on the back. Shit, it’s been 32 years. Let it go already.”

After hearing the quotes he gave to local newspapers, police have reportedly arrested Jeffries, 38, and his son, Stuart, 13, for their possible connection to the vandalism.

U.S. Teens Abusing Epidurals In Dangerous New Drug Trend

Posted on October 19, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

CONCORD, New Hampshire –

Already stricken with a massive heroin epidemic, many towns in New England are shocked to hear of a dangerous new trend by their local teenage drug users – unregulated epidurals.

The drug, given to pregnant women as an injection in the spine during childbirth, provides an almost completely immobile state, and teens say it’s one of the “best highs” they’ve ever experienced.

“Oh hell yeah man, I’ve done the Eps a few times now, and it’s fucking great,” said Joey Goldsmith, 16. “I used to just smoke weed, maybe some ‘shrooms once in a while, but then my buddy turned me onto Eps, and I can’t get enough of it. Your whole body goes numb, you can’t move. Hell, sometimes I even shit myself without knowing it. Best high ever, bro.”

Doctors say that epidurals, although mostly safe under controlled conditions in hospitals, does carry risks, especially when being injected by non-experienced users.

“Heroin was bad enough. We see so many ODs, but we also get infections from bad injections,” said Dr. Emmett Brown, of the Concord General Hospital in Concord, New Hampshire. “With epidurals, the needle actually has to go directly into the spine, and it’s very complicated. Someone could be permanently paralyzed if they were injected improperly.”

“I’ve had probably 15 epidurals this week alone,” said user Joanne Couch, 14. “It’s really intense. I can’t move my legs at all, and I can barely move my hands. Lots of times, I take it, and then the guys I’m with have sex with me, but I can’t stop them, because I can’t move. I guess it’s rape, but I don’t really mind, because Eps are awesome. So much fun having someone stick you in the spine. It’s like tickles all over, but on the inside. It’s fun!”

Health officials warn that if your teen is taking epidurals, they may have some severe mental health problems.

“Ask your children if they have experienced an epidural, or Eps, as the kids call it, and get them help immediately,” said Brown.

TLC, MTV Partner On New Reality Show ‘I Didn’t Know I Was 16 And Pregnant’

Posted on September 14, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

NEW YORK CITY, New York –

With high ratings for both TLC’s I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant and MTV’s 16 and Pregnant, the parent companies of the two networks, Discovery and Viacom, respectively, have announced a partnership to develop a new series, I Didn’t Know I Was 16 and Pregnant. The show will chronicle teens who don’t realize that they’re pregnant until they are being rushed to the emergency room.

“Much like I Didn’t Know…, this new show will focus on mothers -to-be who are, for some reason, unaware that they are pregnant,” said showrunner Kathleen Kennedy. “The difference is, instead of just being 40-year-old women who think they have a 9 month long case of gas, the show will focus on ignorant teens who are too stupid to use protection and too scared to talk to their parents.”

Both shows have garnered high ratings for their respective networks, and the joint partnership reveals a common goal amongst television networks – ratings and money.

“All we want is for people to be entertained,” said Kennedy. “If watching these poor sad sacks have their lives ruined unexpectedly will do that, then hell, we’re all about making sure that we get it all on film.”

In the first season, Kennedy says that viewers can expect to hear stories from 5 young women, all of whom are 15 or 16-years-old, and at least one story from a girl who denies ever having had sex, even screaming it while she’s pushing out a baby.

“That’s a hell of an episode!” said Kennedy. “Divinity is definitely not in that baby’s future, though. There’s a twist you won’t see coming at all, but I’ll hint that it sets up another new show we’re working on, 16 and Incestually Pregnant.

Racist Hashtag #BlackFaceFun Begins Trending On Social Media

Posted on August 26, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

LOS ANGELES, California –

White teens throughout the country have begun a new trend of painting their faces black and posting pictures on Instagram and Facebook with the hashtag #BlackFaceFun. The movement, which many assume started as a gag, has grown into a massive trend over the last few weeks, with tens of thousands of posts showing white teens with their faces colored completely black.

“Frankly, I just think it’s hilarious,” said Joey McDonald, 17. “I don’t want to be black – I mean hell, who would want to be black – but it’s hilarious as hell to paint your face, screw around with your friends, and talk like a street thug. It’s not racist, it’s just how the blacks act, you know? If anything, we’re celebrating their culture, not being racist.”

Apparently, most teens share the same thoughts as McDonald, claiming that they don’t see the hashtag as racist, just fun.

“I colored my face in with a Sharpie, so it stayed black for a couple weeks,” said Melissa Brenner, 16. “It actually really taught me a lesson about what the blacks actually go through. I got pulled over while driving my Daddy’s BMW because the cop thought I was really black, and so he just wanted to check to make sure the car wasn’t stolen. Once I told him I was actually white, and that it was just a silly internet thing, we had a good laugh about it.”

Many African-Americans say that the entire concept of the trend is sickening, and they hope that the hashtag doesn’t catch on.

“I don’t go out there, painting my face white with White-Out or whatever, hashtagging ‘WhiteFaceFun’ or ‘WhiteyFun’ or any shit like that,” said Jamal Jenkins, 19. “If I did, I’d probably get my black ass beat down by a gang of KKK guys or something. It’s all bullshit, completely. I hope to hell one of these silly white kids gets shot by a cop just because he thinks they’re actually black. That’ll put an end to this stupid trend pretty damn quick.”

New Drug Craze In Teens Poses Huge Risk; Kids Huffing Milk To Get High

Posted on July 3, 2015 by JP

SANTA ANA, California –

A new substance has become a hot topic issue in recent weeks, after a local mother found her son collapsed in his room under the influence of a new drug. While current well-known drugs such as Molly, marijuana, and Adderall have become a well-known way for teenagers to get high, new reports of a common household item being abused is now under investigation by the DEA.

According to reports, teens are now huffing milk to get high. A recent double-blind study shows that at least 73% of children between the age of 11-19 have admitted to having huffed milk at least one time. The street name for this deadly new trend is called “Cookie Monstering,” or sometimes simply “dipping the cookie.”

“It has to be the easiest way for a child to get high, and every nearly child can get his hand on some milk,” said Corey Wright, a DEA agent who has been tracking milk huffing for almost a year. “We initially received several reports from police stations of kids admitting they were huffing milk, but at first thought the children just didn’t want to admit to using other drugs. After a huge amount of complaints from parents though, we finally decided to give this ‘getting high on milk thing’ a closer look.”

Scientist Betsy Heffer explains that the extra hormones in milk give off a happy, elated feeling, and in a closed container being inhaled over and over again, milk can cause the same effects as the street drug Ecstasy.

“The more potent the milk, the stronger the high,” said Heffer in a recent statement. “Basically, if you buy only whole milk, your kids can get dangerously high. As you go down, to say 2%, 1%, or skim milk, the high becomes less intense, although it is still there. Certain flavored milks, like pre-bottled chocolate or coffee milks are the worst, though. They contain extra sugars, which when mixed with the added hormones in milk can cause a high unlike most any other drug kids can get.”

The DEA is requesting parents keep their milk locked up, and that they closely monitor their children during times of drinking milk or using it in cereals, oatmeals, etc.

Kids Lure Cats to Death with Laser Pointer

Posted on May 24, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

BANGOR, Maine –

Cat owners can sleep a little easier now that suspects have been apprehended for luring at least five local cats to their deaths, endangering unsuspecting drivers. The names of two juveniles have not been released, but the laser pointer allegedly used was reportedly found upon strip-search of the boys.

Distressed neighbors had put signs around the community, warning drivers to be extra cautious.

The Bangor Daily News reports that Bill Dodge, 44, was the hero that finally caught the boys. He had seen the signs posted in the neighborhood and immediately slowed down when he saw suspicious red light.

“Big orange tabby. Smart fella- didn’t follow it into the road. I chased them boys now got a holda one of them. Pinned him down with my knee and dialed 911.”

Jenny Jackson, 37 was the first victim of the vicious trick. “A while off I saw a red light flashing on the side of the road. Then it stopped. I just thought they were messing around with me when I saw the little red dot in the street. A second later I saw the poor cat, and it was too late.

There was such a horrible thud. It was dark so I couldn’t make out much, but it looked like teenage boys in baseball caps, and I heard them cackling as they ran away through someone’s yard. Laughing! I couldn’t believe it. What if I swerved and hit a pole?”

Movie Theatres Begin Charging Extra To Patrons Who Leave Behind Mess

Posted on April 22, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

HOLLYWOOD, California –

Several large movie theatre chains have come together to begin enforcing new rules in their establishments. According to memos sent to employees for General Cinema, Cinema Center, Frontier Theaters, and Cineline Theaters, all state that beginning May 1st, patrons who leave behind their popcorn bags or buckets, or soda cups will be forced to pay an “exit fee.”

“Basically, we gave up on people. It is impossible for most theatre customers to buy food, take it into the theatre, and then take it back out again when they leave,” said General Cinema manager Tom Joseph. “Instead, before patrons are allowed to leave, we will watch to see who leaves behind their food, or who has spilled or made large messes in the aisles. These people will have to pay an additional $5, or be forced to clean up their own mess.”

“The entire project is a cost-saving measure for us,” said Cineline CEO Milton Browne. “We pay employees top minimum-wage dollars to work for us, and they have to clean up after hundreds, maybe thousands of people a day, who cannot seem to get the popcorn from the bucket to their faces without throwing it over three aisles. It’s absurd. This way, people will be inclined to keep things neat and tidy, or else they’ll be faced with a fine. No different than a littering fine out in the world.”

Most patrons say that they will refuse to continue seeing movies in the theatre if they are forced to pay additional fees.

“This is some serious bullshit,” said frequent movie goer Charles Demar. “I like to go in with my nachos, chips, drinks, and huge bags of candy, plop my fat ass in a seat, and proceed to plow through it all, making as much of a mess as I want. Now they want me to stay neat or pay an additional fine? Get real.”

“I will never go to any of these theatres again,” said Bonnie Richards, a mother of 3 small children. “I often take my wreckless, loud, obnoxious, asshole children with me to see movies, and they like to run around and throw popcorn and make a mess. I should be allowed to let them do that, while disturbing everyone else in the theatre, and then not have to worry about cleaning up after them. I do enough cleaning up at home. Frankly, I hope every single one of these chains goes out of business.”

New Teen Trend Has Kids Licking Each Other’s Hair To Get High

Posted on April 21, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

GROVER, Mississippi –

A new trend amongst teens and young adults throughout most of the midwest has emerged, and it’s one of the weirdest ones yet. According to Hardline Magazine, a popular periodical for teens, kids in Mississippi have begun licking each other’s hair in order to get high.

From Hardline:

It was amazing to us too, but human hair is apparently a very powerful psychedelic with a great ‘body high,’ and teens have begun licking each other in record numbers.

Dr. Richard Kimble, of Floyd Memorial Hospital in Grover, Mississippi says that he’s already seen 2 teens overdose, and that he’s extremely scared that it could become an epidemic if not controlled immediately.

“These teens, they don’t understand that even if they are getting high off licking each other’s hair, your hair contains millions and millions of microbes that can cause illness or death,” said Dr. Kimble. “Aside from just the gross things like possible lice or dandruff, there are also various bacteria that could render you completely paralyzed, comatose, or violently ill. I am warning all parents to watch for signs of your child licking hair.”

Dr. Kimble says that parents can look for swollen eyes, thick, cotton-like mouth, and also blisters on the tongue.

“I don’t even care what the doctors say, I’ve never been so fucking high in my life,” said Louis Carter, 16. “I lick my girlfriend’s hair all the time, and she licks mine. We have also experimented with licking armpit hair, and also licking pubic hair. Armpit hair didn’t get me high, but pubic hair led to some great sex. Only hair on the head will give you the trip, though.”

“If you suspect that your teen might be addicted to licking hair, please, get them help immediately. If you believe your child has been having his or her head licked, then please shave their head, while they sleep if necessary, and put a stop to this horrid drug abuse quickly.”

School In Arizona To Automatically Pass All Students To Avoid ‘Hurting Anyone’s Feelings’

Posted on April 20, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

JEROME, Arizona –

A school board in Jerome, Arizona has voted to pass all students through each grade, regardless of the student’s grades or abilities, each year up to, and including, graduation senior year. The school says that it is in an effort to “decrease student drop-out rates” and “increase morale amongst the kids.”

According to the Jerome Gazette, the drop-out rate for students in their school district is a whopping 63%.

“Most kids here, they make it to about 7th or 8th grade, then they drop out. It’s really frustrating. We have good teachers but bad students, basically,” said school board president Larry Moore. “They start leaving when they realize they’ll never graduate anyway, so they’d rather start working at their fast food job then, rather than waiting and feeling sorry for themselves.”

School superintendent Florence Simms says that they decided to just start passing students regardless of their level of comprehension of a subject, and regardless of grades, so that more kids might be tempted to stay in school.

“It doesn’t matter that they know we’re passing them even if they’re completely stupid,” said Simms. “What matters is they’re staying, coming to school for the 8 hours each day, and eventually, something might sink in. I’d rather that they have a little bit more education, even if it’s just learning their times tables or how to write in cursive, before heading off to the world of work than having almost no education. Plus, we sometimes had kids who did apply themselves, and graduated for real. One with honors, even. So how does that make the rest of the kids feel? Horrible. We don’t want to hurt their feelings.”

Students seems mostly pleased with the new rule on automatic passing, saying that they are happy they will end up with an actual diploma.

“I was pretty much ready to drop out,” said 14-year-old Michael Davidson. “My dad dropped out. Grandpa dropped out. Mom dropped out when she got pregnant with my sister. Oh, yeah – my sister dropped out, too. Guess I’ll be the first one in my family to get a high school degree. Shit, maybe I can go to college now, too!”

Simms says that the program is one that she hopes other schools with high drop-out rates will consider, modeling their programs after what Jerome has done.

“It’s a real winner,” said Simms. “This year, we’ll have 14 graduates! That’s 12 more than last year. By 2035, we anticipate having a graduating class of over 200. Mostly because all these idiots who we’re passing through will be boning like mad and having more idiot kids. The cycle is strong, here in Jerome.”

Congress In Talks To Completely Abolish Age of Consent Laws Throughout Country

Posted on April 18, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Congressman Fisher Lewis (D- Delaware) has brought a bill to Washington that seeks to completely abolish the age of consent laws, putting a federal mandate on states that would force them to remove any rules from the books – as well as setting free prisoners who have been locked up for statutory rape offenses.

“Basically, I think that these laws for age of consent are nonsense,” said Lewis. “I don’t understand why we are putting laws on the books that dictate when a person should be ready for sexual intercourse. No one can decide that. It’s just silly, and I hope to reverse these laws nation wide.”

Lewis says that he became very concerned about the laws after his son, Michael, 17, was brought up on charges of statutory rape for having consensual sex with his 16-year-old girlfriend, Carrie.

“Michale and Carrie have been dating since they were 11,” said Lewis. “Seriously – they’ve been inseparable for years. Both of our families used to joke they’d be together one day, and then married. Here it is, 6 years later, and yes, they’re having sex. Have been for awhile. Michael came to me right away and we spoke of it. I’ve even spoken to Carrie, and know it was all consensual, of course. But, her staunch republican parents don’t like the idea all of a sudden, and Michael was arrested. It broke them both into tears for days.”

Lewis says that in his state of Delaware, a crime was committed, as the age of consent for both men and women is 18 – but in many other states, it would be no big deal.

“If they had been in New Hampshire, for example, then there’d be no issue – the AOC there is 16 for boys and girls. Are kids in New Hampshire that much more advance than my kids in Delaware? What’s the problem with this scenario?” Asked Lewis.

It’s true that states have different laws deciding when the children in that state are legally old enough to make decisions about their own sex lives, but most parents agree that abolishing the laws completely is ridiculous.

“Why don’t they just make it the same in every state? 16 across the board? or 18 across the board – who cares?” asked concerned parent Tanya Morris of Virginia. “Frankly, abolishing it completely frightens me. What if my 11-year-old daughter hooks up with some sweet-talking 40-year-old. Sure, it could be ‘consensual,’ but my God, I don’t want her to turn out like me – pregnant at 12 and hooking in the streets!”

So far, Lewis is undeterred in his quest to abolish the laws.

“It’s not even just about Michael, whose name I was able to clear using my power in Congress,” said Lewis. “It’s making sure that kids everywhere are free to bang it out whenever they personally decide they’re ready without having the threat of prison and sex-offender tag hanging over their heads.”