Dallas Police Department To Stop Using Guns, Will Use Alternative Methods To Subdue Criminals

Posted on January 19, 2015 by Raoul Stockton

DALLAS, Texas –

In a bold move, the Dallas Police Department has announced an unprecedented, creative, and groundbreaking strategic plan to curb the reputation of police abuse by taking firearms away from more than ten-thousand police officers.

Nationally respected and highly regarded Dallas Chief of Police, David Brown, made the surprising announcement earlier today at a press conference outside the Jack Evans Police Headquarters in downtown Dallas, home of the Dallas Police administration, as well as the Dallas Museum of Historical Artifacts.

“The entire world knows that here in Texas, the greatest and biggest state in the United States, that we do everything bigger than everybody else in the world. Here in Dallas, the greatest city in the greatest state, we are looked up to for our innovative ways,” said Brown. “Here at the Dallas Police Department, we set the standard for all police departments across the nation. Today I am very proud to stand before you and announce that we have continued this incredible legacy. Effective immediately, we have removed all firearms from all of our officers patrolling the streets of this great city.”

Brown went on to say that all street patrolling police officers were required to turn in their weapons, and will use alternative methods to subdue criminals when times on the beat get desperate.

“Officers will still be well equipped, armed with tasers, pepper spray, batons, blackjacks, brass knuckles, steel-toed boots – the list is quite long. New devices, including laser pointers with which they may temporarily blind violent criminals, will also be added to replace guns. For extreme cases, they will be given access by the Dallas Fire Department to all fire hydrants and hoses in the city, but only for when situations are crucial. They will have more than enough to operate an effective police department while continuing our reputation as the best police department in the world, as well as the most innovative,” Brown said.

8 Texas Girls Scouts Arrested In Drug Trafficking Bust

Posted on January 5, 2015 by Abe Abrams

DEL RIO, Texas –

8 girl scouts have been arrested for delivering more than just addicting cookies to homes in Del Rio, Texas. The girls have been accused of working closely with a Mexican drug cartel, delivering cocaine door-to-door in cookie boxes. The names of the girls are being withheld due to their ages, ranging from 12 to 14.

“At this time, we are not sure how long the cartel has been using girl scouts,” said Del Rio Sheriff Wayne Walker. “The truth is, we stumbled on it accidentally when two of the girls delivered a box of cocaine to one of my deputies instead of dropping off the Samoas and Thin Mints he ordered.”

According to Walker, Deputy Johnson received a ¼ kilo of cocaine instead of the boxes of cookies he was expecting.

“We started surveillance of the girls immediately after, and made the bust when we were sure we had the major players. In total we apprehended 8 girl scouts, 6 customers, and one driver. We also recovered a van full of thin mints with each box containing ½ kilo of cocaine, with a total street value of approximately 20 million dollars, plus about $120 in cookies.”

“I’m not sure why the Thin Mints delivered to my house only had a ¼ kilo instead of a ½ kilo of cocaine,” Deputy Johnson said via Skype while on vacation in Aruba. “It’s one of those mysteries we’ll never figure out I guess. The girls have lawyered up, and they’re not talking.”

Girl Scout Spokesperson Sally Smith says that you can’t blame the girls, and that they are just doing their best.

“These girls were obvious troubled youths. The Girl Scouts of America pride themselves of turning troubled girls around to a righteous path, but unfortunately we can’t help everyone,” said Smith. “With the knowledge that these girls had been selling cocaine, though, we have decided to give them their ‘Big Earner’ merit badge, which goes to only the most tenacious girls who are definitely future entrepreneurs!”

Man In Coma After Being Electrocuted By Walmart Self-Checkout Register

Posted on December 13, 2014 by JP

LUBBOCK, Texas –

A man is still in a local Texas hospital early this morning after a bizarre event occurred at a Walmart located in Lubbock. Jason Hart, age 32, was electrocuted while using the self checkout lane, and the incident is raising suspicion as to whether or not the faster route is necessarily the best route for the customer.

Hart was using a self-checkout screen at the Lubbock Walmart when he was severely shocked, thrown several feet back, and knocked unconscious after hitting his head against the floor. Security cameras show the incident occurring at around 11:45pm.

“I came in for my shift and saw a man laying on the ground,” said Keith Evans, an employee at the store. “At first I thought it was some drunk guy passed out, which happens way more than you’d think. Actually, since we are talking about Walmart, it happens probably just as often as you’d think. Anyway, this guy had pissed himself, and he had vomited all over the place, too. It was on all the magazines and candy racks nearby. I tried to wake him up, but when he didn’t budge at my attempts, I called my manager, and she called 911.”

It still is unclear to what caused the screen to malfunction enough to shock Hart, but a small crack in the screen of the register Hart was using was identified by police, and they are consulting a ‘computer expert’ to discover whether such a small issue could be to blame.

“Yeah, I mean, I guess a computer could shock you,” said Joe Goldsmith, a computer expert on the payroll of the Lubbock Police Department. “I don’t know. Who cares? The guy is going to sue the store if he wakes up, anyway. Doesn’t matter if he was shocked, if he had a stroke, or if he tried to have sex with the cash register. In this country, if you’re injured at a place of business, you sue them. ‘Merica.”

Hart is currently in a Lubbock hospital and is still in a coma, but his vital signs are stable according to doctors.

Walmart has yet to make an official statement about the incident, pending legal advice, but a Walmart employee at the store did tape a piece of paper over the cracked screen that says “Out of Order.”

Convenience Store Bottles Water From Toilet, Small Town In Uproar

Posted on November 25, 2014 by DvanL

CRAWFORD, Texas –

“Don’t drink the water” is clichéd advice given to tourists traveling to certain foreign countries, where health standards aren’t up to par with those found in the United States. This time though, Texas locals had to heed those wise words as news spread that the “Li’l Roundup” convenience store, located in Crawford, was selling bottled water sourced from – believe it or not – a toilet in the back of the store.

“Technically, it was the toilet tank, not the bowl,” said store proprietor Herb Walker, recently released on bond. “When you say toilet, people automatically think of the toilet bowl, and that’s just gross. The water in the tank is fresh, so I didn’t see a real problem with filling the bottles from there, except I guess I was using Quicky Glue to re-seal the bottles, and that’s kind of toxic.”

Crawford PD officer Harlan Jeffords made the discovery by accident, when driving around town with his six-year-old son Becker. “Beck had to go to the bathroom, you know like kids always do, so we pulled up to the ‘Roundup’ and Beck comes out of there with his pockets stuffed with water bottle caps. I asked him where he got them and he said ‘they’re in the bathroom.’”

Jeffords took a look and found a cardboard box with hundreds of bottle caps. When he asked the store owner what they were doing in the bathroom, the facts came spilling out.

“He looked kind of embarrassed, like a little kid when you catch one doing something bad,” said Jeffords, “but finally we got the truth out of him. There were about two hundred small used water bottles in another box along with the Quicky Glue, and finally we put the pieces together.”

Officer Jeffords initially thought the water was coming from the bathroom sink, but Walker revealed the actual source when describing the operation. “The bottles wouldn’t fit in that tiny sink,” said Walker. “I tried. It was easier to dunk the bottles in the tank, and ‘bubble them up full,’ and then I’d seal the bottles back up. It’s bad enough folks think I’m a crook, now they think I run an unsanitary operation and that I’m some kind of pig.”

Walker faces a stiff fine, and possible jail time on health department violations. A court appearance is scheduled for Dec. 1 at the Crawford County Courthouse.

CBS Orders New Reality Show; ‘Survivor: Ebola’ To Air Early 2015

Posted on October 3, 2014 by Andrew Husband

DALLAS, Texas –

Ahead of a press conference scheduled for next week, CBS Television today announced a half-season order of the hit show Survivor, this time to take place in the United States, and being released as Survivor: Ebola. Jeff Probst, host of the Survivor series since its original premiere in 2000, will return after completing experimental treatments at an Atlanta hospital. As it has in the past, CBS generally orders half-seasons of its successful reality television offerings instead of full ones. That way, the network can better organize its fall, spring, and summer schedules.

The order comes as no surprise to industry experts, but the change of location does. “No season of Survivor has ever been shot stateside,” notes critic Tevi Guyd. “And with the new iterations enhanced sense of danger, it’s a bold move by the network and the production company to move to a local location, especially Texas.” Filming has already been underway for sometime in the Dallas-Fort Worth area, including recently publicized location shoots at a Dallas hospital.

When the fall television season gets underway, the major networks program new shows and axe old ones almost as fast as an apocalyptic contagion. “Good thing the new series spread as quickly as it did last year,” says executive producer Mark Burnett. “Within mere days, our Nielsen ratings went through the roof! It was as if you’d stuck a thermometer in someone’s mouth, and they had a fever, and the mercury broke the glass. Like in one of the old cartoons.”

“Our numbers were higher than they’d ever been in the last ten years,” says Probst from behind a CDC quarantine in Dallas. “We were worried that, with ratings plummeting and advertisers bailing on us, we were dead in the water. We weren’t sure if the show had run its course, or if audiences had become immune to us. All this recent success is due to Mark’s ingenuity.”

“He’s being too nice,” says Burnett. “Jeff is a hell of a guy, and a world-class reality show host. I can’t think of anyone else we’d rather risk sacrificing to this new Ebola epidemic than him.” All gesturing aside, Survivor: Ebola owes its infectious popularity to Burnett’s quick thinking. Inspired by local news report from Guinea in late 2013, the television mogul sent a crew to scout the west African country for leads. When all except one of the party’s members made it back to New York unscathed by the trip and was cleared by the CDC, Burnett knew he had a hit in the making. “I simply did what anyone else in my profession would do,” he finally admits. “I pounced.” And pounce he did.

Like its predecessors, Survivor: Ebola pits 16 contestants against each other in a two-tribe format, and against one another in a “survival of the fittest” mentality. Not only will they be fighting against one another and the threat of infection, but they will also be dealing with their ill-conceived notions of Ebola. The only contestant to have any medical experience is Dr. Casey Schuler of Houston, Texas.

“I can’t believe all the action happening for this season we’re shooting now,” Probst says. “Fans of both Survivor and the Ebola virus itself are going to be getting a special treat come next year!”

Survivor: Ebola is set to air in January on CBS.

Texas A&M Towel Boy Leaves Sidelines To Gain Starting Spot As Quarterback

Posted on August 31, 2014 by JP

COLLEGE STATION, Texas –

A new season of college football is underway and anticipations for this year are high, with new rules and a new playoff bracket system being put into effect this season. One team that will have a lot of eyes on it will be Texas A&M, after all-star quarterback Johnny Manziel has started his NFL career for the Cleveland Browns.

Texas A&M coaches have been hesitant to name a starting QB, but with recent discovery of a ‘hidden talent’ during practice, it appears that they are ready to name the man who take the starting snap for the Aggies this Thursday against the South Carolina Gamecocks. Terrance Brown, a once towel boy for the team, has been picked up and put on the roster as of yesterday, and has been announced to start the first game of the season.

Coaches began to notice the talent behind the towel boy when asked to get a football that went out-of-bounds. Brown, instead of walking the ball over, threw a hail mary spiral right to the head coach.

“It was unbelievable,” said Head Coach Kevin Sumlin. “I thought maybe the kid just had a long ball, but we had some down time and I asked if he would throw to our receivers. He agreed and the kid looked like a natural. I asked if he would do some drills in uniform, and it was like he had been playing football in college for 5 seasons.”

Brown admitted to the coach that he knew the play book pretty well, and had sometimes snuck into team meetings and stood in the back. He had played football in high school, but only up until his junior year after bruising his spine bone. By the time he fully recovered it was too late to get scouted and he had never made the walk-on tryout at A&M because he didn’t know they had been scheduled. He acquired the towel boy spot after begging the school to let him help out the team in any way.

“He’ll start the game, but I’m not going to lie, I’m afraid the game pressure may get to him, so we are prepared to take him out if we have to. That being said, I hope he shows up like he did in the practices. If he can, this will be a story for the ages,” said Sumlin.

New Texas Law Makes Homosexuality Illegal

Posted on August 4, 2014 by JP

HOUSTON, Texas –

Shocking news coming out of Texas today after a law has been passed making it illegal to be a homosexual throughout the state. The law was passed on Friday and took effect Monday morning.

The law first began to form after a local Houston police officer saw his 7-year-old son kiss a fellow male friend on the mouth while playing in their backyard. When asked why he kissed the other boy he replied, that he had “seen it on TV.”

“I certainly punished him after I saw that,” said the officer, who wishes to remain anonymous. “No more TV, and you can bet your ass he got the belt. I’ll smack the gay right outta that boy.”

Outraged by the event in his backyard, the officer took to the court rooms knocking down door-after-door until eventually getting into the right ears and helping to get the law passed.

“Homosexuality is an outrage,” said the officer. “Television gets into our the heads of our children, and it isn’t fair. I had to make sure that I stopped it in its tracks. I don’t blame TV, I blame this country and its flagrant homosexuality. Everywhere you look there are gays touching and kissing and holding hands. Rather than educating my son or letting him be who he wants to be, I had to make the hard decision and make sure he turns out straight. Either he does, or he’ll end up behind bars.”

Many establishments, such as The Rusty Hammer and The Texas Wiener, two of Dallas’ biggest gay bars, are also being forced to have a change of theme, or the state will be looking at shutting them down.

Representatives from the state government have yet to comment publicly on the new law, but they do claim that it was something many Texans had been hoping would happen for ages.

“It’s about time these homos were stopped from being able to touch each other,” said Milton Charles, a resident of Austin. “We don’t need the gays out there, threatening our way of life, and teaching our children it’s okay to be gay. Sodomy is disgusting. I can’t imagine how anyone would want that.”

After being informed that the definition of sodomy actually included any form of “unnatural,” sex, and that technically that would also include any oral sex he received from his wife, he commented further on what he says is “truly disturbing” sexual acts.

“Well clearly I meant the gay-sodomoy when I said that,” said Charles. “What I do in the privacy of my house ain’t nobody’s business. But the gays, they shouldn’t be doing that s—.”

Several men have been arrested since the law was enacted this morning, but so far no women have been brought in on charges.

George W. Bush Arrested for Cocaine Possession

Posted on July 24, 2014 by JP

DALLAS, Texas –

One of the most notorious Presidents in history of The United States of America is back in the spotlight, but not because of his politics. George W. Bush was arrested in a Dallas suburb late Tuesday evening after a routine traffic stop uncovered over an ounce of cocaine in his glove compartment.

Dallas police say they pulled over Bush after he made a right turn without signaling. Officers report they were surprised when seeing it was the ex-president, but felt something was off about his behavior. They say Bush seemed under the influence of a narcotic, and the officers on-scene asked to search the car. Curiously, Bush consented, and police found the narcotics.

“We pulled over the truck and were about to write a simple traffic ticket and things escalated fast,” said officer Charles Cane, a veteran officer with the Dallas Police Department. “At first my partner and I were stunned with who was in the truck ,and [Bush] began to crack jokes and asked if we wanted to take a picture with him. I noticed he was sniffling quite a bit and the glaze on his eyes screamed that the was under the influence.”

Cane said that once the officers uncovered the cocaine, Bush tried to bribe them to keep from getting arrested. When that failed, he turned to threats and rambling, reportedly saying that he would ‘get the FBI to kick their a–‘ and that ‘Presidents can break any laws they want.’

“I broke so many laws when I was in office, and I didn’t see you coming to try to arrest me then!” Bush shouted at police officers. “I’ve been doing coke for decades! I used to blow lines out of a Skull & Bones in New Haven tittie bars when you were making nice in your diapers, kid. You just want your name in the papers next to mine.”

“It was a tough arrest to make, but I didn’t become a police officer to make easy decisions. He begged me over and over to let it slide, then he offered me money, then he called me an ass—-, but that is the way the law goes. We don’t offer special treatment to anyone in Dallas. I don’t care who you are.”

Representatives for Bush have yet to comment, but bail was set at $5,000 and posted immediately. Bush spent less than 6 hours in a holding cell before being released.

Woman Sues Pepper Spray Manufacturer After Can Found To Contain Silly String

Posted on July 12, 2014 by JP

SAN ANTONIO, Texas –

A robbery and attack on a local women in Texas is flooding the news this morning, but for reasons other than the actual attack. A 38-year-old woman, Joanne Lewis, was assaulted Wednesday night while walking her dog. She sustained minor injuries, and the assailant left with only $23 dollars and her cell phone.

Where the story takes an interesting turn is that when Lewis attempted to fight back with what she thought was her recently-purchased can of pepper spray, the product turned out to be silly string.

Lewis is now taking the matter to court, claiming negligence on the part of the company the produced the silly string, claiming things could have gone a lot differently if the attack was more serious.

“I was trying to save my life and my belongings, not set up a silly prank.” said Lewis. “He came at me and asked for my [expletive] money, and when I reached in my purse for my spray I screamed ‘take that!’ Once the silly string came out the guy began to laugh in my face, and then pushed me to the ground.”

The company who made the defective pepper spray, Sting & String, has refused to comment, but according to their website, the company does manufacture both pepper spray and silly string. The woman is claiming that negligence is the cause for this mix up, and the company will pay.

“I’m very lucky to still be alive, and the fact that this happened to me makes me wonder how many other people this has affected. I can only imagine little kids at a birthday party playing with silly string and actually pepper spraying each other.” Said Lewis.

The company has recalled the product for the time being, and suggests that their previous customers do a test spray before using any of their items.

Texas Judge Sentences Man To Death For Marijuana Possession

Posted on June 22, 2014 by Bob The Empire News Potato

AUSTIN, Texas –

An Austin Superior Court judge sentenced 34 year old Joseph Goldsmith to death row yesterday, after Goldsmith was picked up on his third offense for marijuana possession.

Judge Martin Churchill said during the trial that he had “already seen [Goldsmith] twice” and that “the third time was the charm.”

“If a man cannot get his act together, and he is arrested multiple times for the same crime, then I have no choice but to hand out the swiftest and harshest punishment I can.” Said Churchill. “In this case, the public needs to know how the state of Texas deals with repeat offenders, especially when they are drug-related crimes.”

Goldsmith, who has no other arrests on his report other than the previous two convictions for misdemeanor marijuana possession, was visibly upset when the verdict was read.

“I cannot believe it. This is like a nightmare.” Said Goldsmith, in tears after the hearing. “It was just a couple of joints. This isn’t right.”

Goldsmith was arrested this third and final time with around a gram of marijuana in his possession. In several states throughout the U.S., this amount would get him a small fine. In others, he would be let off with a warning. The state of Texas has the toughest laws on marijuana possession in the country.

“We will definitely be appealing the court’s decision.” Said Matthew Klein, Goldsmith’s attorney. “A sentence of death does not fit this crime. There is no way that we are going to let this stand.”

Goldsmith was sent to the Texas State Correctional Facility in Austin after the trial. Per his conviction, he will be required to remain on death row until an appeal can overturn the judge’s decision.