Crotch-Stomper Doritos From China Taste ‘Just Like Balls’

Posted on December 29, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

BEIJING, China –

For years the internet has been confused by an image of a bag of Doritos from China featuring a man appearing to hold another man’s legs apart while he stomps on his crotch. The Doritos, which have been dubbed “Crotch-Stomper” chips, are considered a delicacy in China, unlike the traditional chips sold throughout the world as a standard item.

According to people who have been able to try the chips, they taste exactly the way you’d expect: like balls.

“Oh my God, they’re horrible,” said Mark Jones, who paid almost $100 for a bag online. “I had to try them though – that picture is crazy. But, frankly, they taste exactly the way my balls smell after a long day at the gym or something. Nasty.”

Doritos are manufactured by Frito Lay, who say that the flavor is supposed to be savory, sweet, and tangy.

“The chips are certainly not supposed to taste like balls,” said Frito Lay spokesman Jeff Miller. “I tried them, I thought they tasted kind of like stale salt & vinegar chips. They’re not my favorite, but people love them, especially in China.”

“I ate a whole bag, I couldn’t get enough of them,” said Missy Loans. “I bought a bag online. Paid about $80 bucks for it, and they were gone in minutes. I don’t know if they really taste like balls – I mean, I’ve had plenty of balls in my mouth over the years, and I’ve never tasted balls like this. Maybe a bit like dick, but I mean, the dick is definitely not balls.”

‘Star Wars: The Force Awakens’ Becomes First Film To Make $100 Billion Dollars At Box Office

Posted on December 27, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

HOLLYWOOD, California –

Star Wars fever has hit the world hard, after the latest installment, The Force Awakens, has crossed the $100 billion dollar mark in worldwide grosses, blowing away the previous box office champ, Avatar, which grossed only about $2.5 billion.

“Honestly, I’m shocked that the movie did so well,” said the director, JJ Abrams. “No one seemed to care too much when I reinvigorated Star Trek, so I didn’t have super high hopes for Force. Plus, all we really did was remake the first film, so seriously, it’s crazy that people are plopping down money to see it 15 or 20 times.”

Based on worldwide grosses, the studio behind the film, Disney, says that they estimate that every single human being currently alive on the planet has seen the film at least once, and that several babies – who won’t even be born until the new year – may have already seen it as well.

“It’s really the only way the film could have done so much money,” said Disney CEO Mike Laird. “I mean, think about it like this. Titanic was the number one film at the box office for almost a dozen years, at just over 2 billion dollars. Then Avatar knocks that out with just under 3 billion. And now, here comes Force, which brings in a whopping $100 billion? I mean, that’s insane, right? There are 8 billion people in the world, and with average ticket prices at around $12, that means everyone, everywhere has seen the movie.”

Although those numbers add up, that’s likely not the case, according to box office analysts.

“More likely, it’s the same handful of nerds who’ve gone and see the movie 40 or 50 times in IMAX, which have ticket prices closer to the $20 range,” said Box Office Mojo writer Gil Morrison. “I can honestly say I haven’t seen it, and probably never will. I mean shit, who cares?”

Man Who Grows Lion Mane Immediately Promoted At New York Law Firm

Posted on December 27, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

NEW YORK CITY, New York –

Until last month, John Gold was just a mailroom associate at one of the biggest law firms in Manhattan, but all that changed when Gold decided to grow out his facial hair and have his hair dyed and cut to resemble that of a lion.

“I was just trying something new, but when I walked into work that Monday morning, I was immediately pulled aside,” said Gold. “I got taken into a big, inner office, and was immediately offered a job as an attorney.”

Despite knowing absolutely nothing about law, Gold took the job, saying that he couldn’t possibly pass up the opportunity – or the money.

“The only caveat they gave me was that I could never, ever cut or change my hair or my style,” said Gold. “I guess they think I’m going to be intimidating in the courtroom. I only hope that’s the case. The only thing I know about court is that ‘the whole damn thing is out of order.'”

Customer Service Representative Memorizes Credit Card Numbers, Uses Them To Order Pizza

Posted on December 26, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

PHOENIX, Arizona –

A customer service representative for a telecommunications company has been arrested and charged with fraud after it was found that he was memorizing customer credit card numbers, and using the numbers to have food and other items delivered to his home.

Kevin Brenden, 29, has been taken into police custody and charged with fraud, felony burglary, and identity theft. According to police, Brenden – who worked in a call center for one of the nation’s largest cell phone companies – was able to memorize credit card numbers for use at a later date.

“I worked in a ‘paper free’ zone, which meant there was no way for me to write anything down,” said Brenden. “The company thought this would help to alleviate and chance of theft. Honestly, I only stole the numbers to prove that their system was stupid. Paper or not, people can get the card numbers. It’s just a matter of wanting to.”

Brenden says that he had been taking credit card numbers for almost 2 years before he was caught, when he made several major purchases for Christmas.

“I usually just bought a pizza or something, had it delivered. Small things,” said Brenden. “I was really short on cash for Christmas though, and I made the mistake of ordering some things from Amazon that were a little pricey. No one really noticed an extra 10 or 20 bucks on their card when I’m ordering food. They definitely notice an extra $200 when it’s for a new Apple TV.”

Police say that Brenden has been fully cooperating with their investigation. Per request from the company, they are not releasing the name of the organization that Brenden worked for.

Hottest Selling Toy This Year Wasn’t for Kids

Posted on December 26, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

TOKYO, Japan –

Christmas is big in Japan this year, but the hottest selling toy was not for kids. According to reports, Japan had record sales in the sex-toy industry in 2015.

Although many look at a sexed up Christmas as blasphemous, Japan’s spiritual community is made up of Shintos and Buddhists so naturally the holiday has nothing to do with Christ. It’s about being merry, and what brings more merriment than glow in the dark sex-toys? It’s also the season for executives to buy for their secretaries.

“We sold over 43 million dildos and other toys this year,” said RubbaDubba CEO Toyki Misaka. “They are very good to use for happiness.”

These black light reactive adult toys are perfect for the rave orgy scene in clubs of Tokyo, and Osaka. On the black market, ecstasy sales also spiked in 2015, although the leading black market commodity is still underage prostitutes.

Microchip in Store Savings Card Tracks More Than Spending Habits

Posted on December 25, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

ATLANTA, Georgia –

Not only do they track your purchases, but they may be tracking your whereabouts. Drug, supermarket, and department store loyalty cards earn you rewards and savings, and in exchange they collect valuable purchase tracking data. In attempts to learn more about the average shopper habits, most chain stores have started also tracking their customers’ whereabouts, as well as listening to private conversations.

Some stores, though, say that they are not on board. Rite Aid CEO John Standley says he doesn’t believe in the microchipping. “It’s not right. It’s not Rite Aid. We believe in maintaining the privacy of our customers, and what keeps them coming back here are the great deals and the gasses we pump from the ceiling.”

Stockholders criticize Standley, saying the company is missing out on an opportunity for gain as tracking information can be sold to the illuminati at a premium.

“I have no idea why Rite Aid is so against tracking customers,” said Kroger store president Johnny Kroger. “We have been watching our customers for years, and tracking them with loyalty cards and credit card transactions. This is how we always know what to have, and when to have it.”

Experts say that you should immediately destroy and store cards that you have, regardless of what store it may be.

Swastika Table Available on Wal-Mart Website Causes Outrage

Posted on December 24, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

BENTONVILLE, Arkansas –

A table built in the shape of a swastika has caused outrage after it was added to walmart.com earlier this week. Multiple customers have complained, but Walmart says that they have no intention of removing the product from their catalog.

“Although the product is not sold by Walmart directly, but by a third-party, we still have no plans to remove the ‘Nazi table,’ as it has come to be known,” said Walmart spokesman Joel Goldberg. “I’m a Jew, and I’m not offended, so there really is no reason to remove the table. Some people like it.”

“I don’t give a rat’s ass that some Walmart Jew in a suit isn’t offended, I definitely am,” said Holocaust survivor Marianne Lewis. “It’s disgusting that they would even have that on their website, and worse, that they’re selling it at such an outrageous price!”

The table sells on the website for $399.99, and as of this writing was still posted on the website. A petition on change.org was created earlier this week, and has over 200,000 signatures calling for the store to remove the item and no longer do business with the company that is selling it.

Woman Starts Petition To Burger King To Bring Back ‘Halloween Whoppers,’ Says They Helped Her Lose Weight

Posted on December 18, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

CLEVELAND, Ohio –

Jenicka Jones says she has eaten nothing but Black, or ‘Halloween Whoppers’ for the last two months and ended up losing 25 pounds. “My theory is there is something in that dye. It makes your poop blue, but it also makes the calories slide on through without hurting you.”

Burger King launched its Black Whopper for Halloween, but it has since been discontinued. When Jones noticed the weight loss she made sure to stock up. “I bought a special freezer for Black Whoppers, filled it all up with them. It’s so convenient. Just pop it in the microwave and I’m good to go.”

Jones says she hopes to be the new “Subway Jerod,” without all the sexual deviancy. “Plus, I’m cheap. All I want is free fast food for life. Maybe they could dye all their buns black. Make a whole line of Jancika’s Weight Loss Sandwiches or something.”

So far, Burger King has not responded to Jones’ request for a year-round Black Whopper.

Japanese Toy Company Releases ‘My First Meat Grinder’ In United States

Posted on December 18, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

TOKYO, Japan –

The Hishomoto Toy Company, who are responsible for some of today’s biggest toys, may have hit a new low with their latest release – a meat grinder that has real, working parts and allows children to crush up play-dough, small toys, or their pets.

“We are very excited to release the ‘My First Meat Grinder’ toy for children who want to learn what it’s like to work in a meat packing plant,” said Hishomoto president Miko Hoshi. “Although many parents may find the toy strange, we love to create toys that get children learning while laughing and having fun.”

The toy, which has been on sale in Japan for just under a year, was released to toy store last month, and has been selling extremely well according to the company.

“We expected to move about 10,000 units before Christmas, but as it turns out, we’ve done nearly 200,000 units,” said Hoshi. “We can barely keep up with demand. Parents are extremely happy to buy their children this toy, which teaches a valuable skill that they can use later in life.”

Hoshi says that they have plans to also release ‘My First Chainsaw,’ ‘My First Garden Shears,’ and ‘My First Meth Lab’ as well.

Converse Will Give Free Shoes For Life To Anyone Who Gets Their Logo Tattooed

Posted on December 18, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

SACRAMENTO, California –

Converse Sneaker Company, the cheap canvas shoes that epitomize lazy, relaxed days and are at the forefront of hipster trend, have announced an exciting deal for anyone who has some free skin and an extreme love of sneakers.

According to Maxwell Converse III, the president of Converse Sneaker Company, anyone who gets the famous Converse All-Star logo tattooed on their body will receive free shoes for life.

“We have always prided ourselves on making a great, comfortable shoe for extremely low cost, and charging an arm and a leg for them,” said Converse. “When my grandfather started this company, he wanted people to be able to look cool, laid back, and yet still have the ability to hit the basketball course at any time. We’ve held to that tradition to this day, and it is now, on the even of our 107th anniversary, that we announce free shoes for life to anyone who tattoos our classic logo on their body.”

Converse III says that anyone who has the logo tattooed can simply walk into a store that sells the All-Star line of Converse shoes, show them the tattoo, and they will be able to walk out with a pair of shoes.

“The caveat is that they must get a shoe in their size,” said Converse. “That way they cannot just get the tattoo and get free shoes for all their friends. This offer does not extend to the custom Converse All-Stars that can be purchased on our website.”

Although extremely uncommon, Converse is not the first company to offer free products or services to their customers in exchange for branded tattoos. Companies like McDonald’s, Target, Cracker Barrel, and Blockbuster Video all offer their customers free or reduced-price products if they show their branded tattoo.