J.K. Rowling: ‘Ron and Hermione Will Divorce In Harry Potter Sequel’

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LONDON, England – 

Harry Potter fans are shocked by JK Rowling’s announcement that Ron and Hermione divorce in the new book. The official sequel, Harry Potter and The Cursed Child, focuses on Potter’s child, Albus Severus. It will be released as both a play and a book on July 31st.

Harry Potter is now “an overworked employee of the Ministry of Magic, a husband and father of three school-age children. Although the focus is on the Potter family, Ron and Hermoine rejoin the hero to fight the forces of evil, while going through a heated divorce and custody battle.”

“I rushed the ending a bit, didn’t think through the epilogue, and now I have some major regrets,” says Rowling. In the epilogue to Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, which is set 19 years later, it’s revealed that Harry married Ginny Weasley, Ron’s sister, and they have three children. Ron and Hermione have two kids together. The author says, “Hermione and Ron should have never ended up together. Opposites may attract, but it usually doesn’t last. I will be undoing a great injustice to the characters and fans.”

Conservative Christian groups have announced their plans to continue to boycott the books based on moral grounds. Harry Potter Fanclub member, Kelly Slater says she feels the new developments are true to life. “Ron leaves Hermione for some younger, hotter bitch. Kids need to learn that it happens in the wizarding world and it happens in real life.”

Stephen King Says That His Next Book Will Be A Romantic Comedy

Stephen King To Revolutionize Book Industry; New Novel To Published Exclusively On Live Horses

BANGOR, Maine – 

Stephen King is one of the best-selling writers of all time, with every single one of his 57 novels becoming #1 New York Times best sellers. The author has said, though, that his next book will be a huge change from his normal dark, scary, and personal stories. His next novel will be a romantic comedy.

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“I’ve been writing horror and drama for so long, that I really feel like I need to change things up,” said King from his home in Bangor, Maine. “I’ve been the master of the macabre for as long as I can remember, and I think with my next outing, I want to become the King of the Kissing, or something.”

King, who is best known for his horror stories including It, Misery, and Pet Sematary, says that some of his all-time favorite movies are romance or comedies, and that trying his hand at writing a “different” kind of novel will hopefully stretch his imagination to places it hasn’t gone before.

“I love all types of media, and I love all kinds of genres,” said King. “Comedies, romance, horror, sci-fi, action – I read them all, I go to see movies of all of them, and I watch TV shows in every genre. The one thing I’ve never done is try to take my love of multiple genres and really release something I can honestly say is not personal piece. This next book will be that piece.”

Harper Lee Dies, Internet Assumed Author Passed Years Ago

harper lee

ATLANTA, Georgia –

Harper Lee, the prolific author who wrote the classic novel To Kill a Mockinbird, died on Friday at the age of 89, according to her publisher.

Sadly, the internet generation took little notice, with most assuming that the author was long dead.

“I had to read that boring mess when I was in junior high school,” said high school senior Jordan Matthews on his Twitter. I assumed that he was long dead.”

“I don’t know who this Mr. Lee is, but apparently he’s dead now, ” said another twitter user. “I think he wrote that book about birds or something.”

Confusingly, most of the posts on Twitter referred to Lee as a man, because teenagers apparently have no concept of literature in this day and age.

“I’m glad that Harper Lee died, because now we probably won’t have to read that stupid book in class,” said Facebook user Miranda Lucas. “Ugh, books are stupid.”

Authors of ‘Eat More, Weigh Less’ and ‘Zero Belly Fat’ Weight-Loss Books Sued

weight

DAYTON, Ohio – 

Monika Ames is suing under the legal theory that the title of books she purchased should have included a disclaimer to warn her she had to read the book before adopting the diet. “I ate more and I certainly don’t weigh any less.”

Some would call it common sense that you have to read the book before following the advice on the cover, but this is not stopping her lawyer David Moreno, who says they have a great case. “My client is sick of being lied to. This is going to be the biggest thing since they started putting “Caution: Contents Hot” on coffee.

David Zinczenko, author of Zero Belly Fat, will also be implicated in the suit. His Wednesday, January 27th appearance on The View was almost canceled over the suit. Last minute changes were approved by the show and his lawyer, which allowed the explanation of food pairings that will help you burn more fat than either alone. He may need to add a disclaimer to the new editions of his book, such as “results not typical.”

Dean Ornish, author of Eat More Weigh Less, said at first he was just happy people were still talking about his book he originally released in 1993. Ornish says, “I am still going strong with this diet, and my first thoughts were ‘she obviously was not following it.’ Then I released she didn’t even read it. They’ll throw this out of court like that woman throws down chocolate cake.

‘Isis Books and Gifts’ Shop Owner Assaulted for Terrorism

ISIS

DENVER, Colorado – 

Karen Charboneau-Harrison, owner of Isis Books and Gifts was taken to the hospital after being assaulted with rotten eggs and rocks in the parking lot. She says she is being mistaken for a terrorist.

Isis is the ancient Egyptian Goddess of Mother Nature, not to be confused with the terrorist group ISIS, which stands for the Islamic State of Iraq and Syria.

After repeated acts of vandalism at her store, Harrison re-branded the store as Goddess Gifts and Books, replacing the sign that vandals had smashed. She thought her troubles were over.

“Since I am not even a person of color, this is particularly surprising to me. I mean, I got myself a tanning package for Christmas, but I’m not out there in a burka. Regardless, that sort of thing shouldn’t matter,” said Harrison. “We need to stop lumping everyone together and making assumptions about people. I own a hippie shop on Colorado. Peace and love man. One look in my store and you’ll know that’s what we’re all about.”

Barnes & Noble To Remove Religious Section, Move All Books, Bibles To Fiction Section

books

SACRAMENTO, California – 

Barnes & Noble, one of America’s last giant bookstore chains, has announced that they will be removing their religious and faith-based sections after the 2015 holiday, with plans to integrate those books into the fiction sections.

“It may make shopping a little more difficult, but in reality, those books aren’t real, so they belong under fiction,” said Barnes & Noble spokesman Gordon Bailey. “They’ll still be in the store, they just won’t be lumped together. Honestly, we assumed that Christians would be happy, because this means that their Bibles will not be on a shelf near the copies of the Quran.”

According to Barnes & Noble, a slew of complaints from non-religious groups swayed them to change their cataloging system.

“A patron came in, and they were extremely upset to see that we had the Christian Bible in its own section, and not just mixed in with the other fictional books,” said Bailey. “They caused a stink, and soon other non-faith based groups caused a stink, and frankly, as a major corporation, it’s just easier to go along with whatever the majority wants.”

Justin Bieber Says He’s Retiring From Music, Wants To Focus On Writing Novel

LAS VEGAS, Nevada – 

After storming off stage after only one song during his last concert, Justin Bieber has announced that he is retiring from music and performing to work on a novel he has been “tinkering with” for the last few years.

“I’ve been writing a historical fiction novel, set during World War II,” said Bieber in a recent interview. “It’s something I’m very passionate about. It’s a love story, a story of war and of peace, and it’s a story of traditional values and family, and I think it’s one that needs to be told.”

The pop singer, best known for making trash songs such as “Baby,” shocked fans when he announced his intentions of writing a book.

“I know there will be lots of people, especially young, naive girls, who think that I am giving up on them, but I’m not,” said Bieber. “Actually, what I’m doing is giving them a new creative avenue to explore. If you love my music, then you’ll love my novel.”

Bieber reportedly has a publishing deal worth over $1 million with Penguin/Random House Publishing. The book is due in late 2016.

‘Game of Thrones’ Season 5 Episodes Leak To Torrent Sites; Internet Collectively Shits Itself

'Game of Thrones' Season 5 Episodes Leak To Torrent Sites; Internet Collectively Shits Itself

LOS ANGELES, California  – 

The first 5 episodes of the fifth season of Game of Thrones was leaked to the internet earlier this week, and the internet immediately shit its pants with excitement over the news. Many people were clamoring to torrent websites to download the episodes, which were not scheduled to air until April 12th, but had hit the internet on April 10th.

As of this writing, over 45,000 people were seeding, or sharing, each of the 5 episodes on the popular filesharing website bigtorrent.org, and on website Shwashbuckle.neteach episode was being shared by as many as a quarter of a million users.

“We aren’t happy at all that this happened, nope, not a bit,” said HBO spokesman Jim Dugan. “We definitely didn’t leak the episodes ourself for publicity for the show, no, definitely not. And we will argue vehemently with anyone who says otherwise. This show leak is horrible for us. It’s definitely not going to drum up excitement for the rest of the series, causing people to subscribe to us via cable our encourage them to purchase our new network, HBONow, which has every single episode of every single show we have, as well as all the great HBO movies you’ve come to expect from us. Hell no, not a chance.”

Most people who have watched the episodes and reported on them throughout websites and forums, say that the show is still just as good as it’s always been.

“Yeah, I watched them, they were pretty good,” said torrent user MegaCock4UBabez6969. “I mean, the quality wasn’t HD, which pissed me off. But whatever, the episodes were good. There were tits, and there was blood, so I’m happy.”

HBO executives say that they have no plans to release the episodes any sooner just because of the internet leak.

J.K. Rowling Reportedly Broke, Announces New Harry Potter Book

J.K. Rowling Reportedly Broke, Announces New Harry Potter Book

LONDON, England – 

J.K. Rowling informed her fans she was working on the 8th part of ‘Harry Potter’ saga. She first announced it on her Facebook page early Friday morning, and then confirmed the information in a few interviews with local media.

When asked what is the next part going to be about, Rowling said it would describe the eternal fight between good and evil. This answer didn’t satisfy either journalists or her fans, so she had to add some details.

“In summary, Harry Potter leads a peaceful, lovely life with his wife and children, until one day his scar hurts again, and burns like fire. In this moment Harry understands: it’s Voldemort rising from the dead,” said Rowling. “The malicious wizard is back, stronger and more dangerous than ever before. The battle for life begins, or rather reactivates. One more time Harry has to save his loved ones and the whole world.”

Rowling said her decision was dictated by an inner need to bring back Harry Potter, mostly because she is flat broke.

“She, at one point, was one of the wealthiest people in the world, and the wealthiest woman in England,” said financial analyst Mark Cummings of the New York Weekly. “Sadly, the sales of her post-Potter books are just dreadful. Bringing Harry back is the only way that Rowling would be able to maintain her current lifestyle, or else she’d end up back on the streets, homeless once again and scrawling notes on diner napkins.”

Rowling was reportedly recently seen in a London bank, asking for a loan of £1000 ($1550 USD), which was refused. An anonymous friend of Rowling’s has hinted that the writer may have severe gambling problems. “It’s true – she lost most of her fortune betting on real-life Quidditch matches. It’s just so strange, and so sad. Did you even know that Quidditch was a real game? My mind was totally blown.”

Rowling said the book should be ready within three months. Some Harry Potter fans say it can not be a success, yet plenty of them are looking forward to the publication. The preparation has already started. Readers and avid fans are already buying magical gadgets, such as hats, capes and wands, to use while dressing up during book launches around the world.

 

7-Year-Old Hooked On Phonics, Refuses To Kick The Habit

CALDWELL, New Jersey – 7-Year-Old Hooked On Phonics, Refuses To Kick The Habit

Learning to read is one of the greatest milestones in a child’s early development.  For the family of 7-year-old Peter Hall, what started off as a blessing quickly turned into a curse.

Peter was reading by the age of 2, with the help of the popular Hooked on Phonics series of informational workbooks and DVDs, but now the youngster refuses to learn or do anything else.

“His grandmother bought him the first set of books,” says Peter’s mother, Monica Hall.  “Thank God she’s dead and gone so she doesn’t have to see the monster she created,” she says.  “I know she meant well, but I thank the Lord above that she’s in a place where she can’t see the hell she’s put us through.  I lost my job, my husband, and I ‘bout near lost my mind!”

“We started off by following the directions,” Monica continued.  “They said to do the lessons for 20 minutes a day, 2 to 3 times a week, which seemed fine and was good for our schedule.”

Peter instantly took to the workbooks, cards and DVDs, begging for more when the end of one learning segment was reached.  Temper tantrums and hunger strikes resulted if the books were taken away.

“At the end of the first week, I kept hearing these scratching noises in the middle of the night,” said Monica.  “I’d go into Pete’s room and there he’d be with a flashlight under his covers, reading another book, turning another page, skipping ahead to another lesson – if we tried taking the book away from him, he’d holler and scream like we were stickin’ pins in him!  Eventually we just let him keep going.  Now I see we made a huge mistake.”

“He won’t eat, won’t sleep – we were advised by a doctor to hook him up to an intravenous so that he won’t dehydrate, and we had to install a feeding tube in him last month so he wouldn’t starve to death,” Monica explained through sobs.  Even the child welfare officer threw her hands up and … and she walked out.”

“It was a living hell on Earth,” says Peter’s father and Monica’s estranged husband, Bill.  “I moved out 8 months ago.  I couldn’t take it no more – the books, the lessons, the DVDs, the sound of pages turnin’ – I quit drinkin’ 20 years ago, but I fell off the wagon by the time Petey started askin’ for biographies.  That was the limit!  Books were like crack cocaine to him, or even maybe meth – it was that bad.  I’ve been around addicts, but I never seen anything like this before!”

“The commercial says more than 3 million families have used the program and are happy with it,” says Monica.  “Well, what about us?” They don’t show people like us in those commercials.  They don’t show the people whose lives have been ruined by this evil!  It’s not fair!  It’s just not fair!”  She burst into tears.

Monica’s cries eventually subsided; the only sounds the can be heard when there’s no other noise in the house always come from Peter’s room; the turning of pages and the constant click and whirr of the feeding tube mechanism advancing a steady stream of mashed nutrients into the child’s abdomen.

“It’s gotten to the point where he doesn’t even talk anymore.  He just gets up, plugs in another bag of mush, loads up the machine and starts another book.  I want to die.  Dear Lord, how I pray each night for death’s sweet embrace.  Why me, oh heavenly Father, why me?”

Hooked on Phonics representatives were unable to explain the extreme circumstances surrounding the Hall’s plight.

“They’ve been in touch with us,” said Monica.  “All they said is, they can keep sending us more books and cards and DVDs with their prayers and good wishes.  They said they were working overtime just to keep up.  I know just how they feel. Lord only knows, I know just how they feel.”

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