TIME Magazine Names Justin Bieber’s Penis ‘Person of the Year’

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LOS ANGELES, California – 

In a year that had so many extremely exciting events and focused on so many important people – from Caitlyn Jenner’s “courageous” speeches, to President Obama finishing his final term in office, TIME Magazine has narrowed done the list of the Person of the Year to one person – or rather, one part of one person.

TIME has said that they have named Justin Bieber’s penis as their Person of the Year 2015. This comes only months after Beiber’s member made its first public appearance.

“I’m extremely honored that my penis has been named Person of the Year,” said Beiber. “I kind of figured when I walked around naked outside my hotel room that people would take pictures, but I never thought I’d have so many great honors associated with it, such as this Person of the Year distinction, or all the offers of having it molded for dildos.”

Bieber says that although the honor is very important to both him and his penis, he will not be allowing it to be photographed for the cover.

“I have nothing against TIME magazine or their photographers, and I’m grateful the think my dick is this important – I know I certainly agree with them – but I need my member to have pics taken at only certain times, and I just don’t think right now is one of them.”

 

Justin Bieber Says He’s Retiring From Music, Wants To Focus On Writing Novel

LAS VEGAS, Nevada – 

After storming off stage after only one song during his last concert, Justin Bieber has announced that he is retiring from music and performing to work on a novel he has been “tinkering with” for the last few years.

“I’ve been writing a historical fiction novel, set during World War II,” said Bieber in a recent interview. “It’s something I’m very passionate about. It’s a love story, a story of war and of peace, and it’s a story of traditional values and family, and I think it’s one that needs to be told.”

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The pop singer, best known for making trash songs such as “Baby,” shocked fans when he announced his intentions of writing a book.

“I know there will be lots of people, especially young, naive girls, who think that I am giving up on them, but I’m not,” said Bieber. “Actually, what I’m doing is giving them a new creative avenue to explore. If you love my music, then you’ll love my novel.”

Bieber reportedly has a publishing deal worth over $1 million with Penguin/Random House Publishing. The book is due in late 2016.

Justin Bieber’s Birthday Would Go Unnoticed by You if Not for This Article

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MONTREAL, QUEBEC, Canada –

Justin Bieber’s 21st birthday fell on Sunday the 1st of March, and you would not have known it had you not read this article decrying the cult of celebrity. Why does anyone care about this mediocre singer’s celebrations? we ask, and by doing so have drawn your attention to something about which you neither knew nor cared.

The young troublemaker has been in the spotlight since the tender age of 16 – that’s five years already! – and we constantly question the reason for this, bringing further attention to events and people with no cosmic relevance. You clicked on this article out of interest in something you had not been interested in before, and now you have even more useless trivia to go with your anger at pop culture.

Why are there so many articles about Selena Gomez not being invited to Bieber’s birthday party? This question is especially good if we are aiming to give you gossip about this matter we claim to despise. This was an obvious snub to the star’s ex-girlfriend and is great for our SEO content.

Has the world gone too far in worshiping the likes of Bieber, Gomez, Miley Cyrus and Taylor Swift? Are you thinking about those four artist now? Good. Because Miley Cyrus especially is one that you shouldn’t be thinking about. Her rumored affair with Nicki Minaj sets a bad example for children, who know about it because we decided to share it.

What about Taylor Swift? The epitome of sweet, harmless pop stars is apparently into S&M, which is bad for her image and that of young girls around the world, particularly because we bring it up in this chock-full article.

In short, the cult of celebrity is getting out of hand. In this 300+ word article we have spoken about four individuals whose lives should mean nothing to us, and have made you think about their sometimes despicable actions, which should mean nothing to you. Shame on our society for following this modern day religion. Think about it, and remember to check in for our future updates.

Disney’s ‘Cars 3‘ To Feature Company’s First Gender Confused Character; Mini-Cooper To Be Voiced By Justin Bieber

HOLLYWOOD, California – Disney’s ‘Cars 3‘ To Feature Company's First Gender Confused Character; Mini-Cooper To Be Voiced By Justin Bieber

Religious groups and parents are planning a worldwide protest after word came out about Disney’s Cars 3. The movie, which is slated to come out at the end of the year, will feature Disney’s first gender confused character. The car, named Chrys, will be voiced by Justin Bieber. 

“We’re very excited to be moving forward like this. Disney is changing with the times, and we want to make movies that everyone can relate to,” said Disney executive Will Ryan. “It’s not all about prince and princesses anymore, and it hasn’t been for a while. A gender confused character is something we know that a lot of kids can relate to. We feel that getting Justin to voice the Mini-Cooper is just perfect. What two things better represent gender confusion than the Biebs and a Mini-Cooper?!”

“We’ve still got Larry The Cable Guy in this film voicing his character, Mater, and he becomes a sort of mentor to Chrys, who is a boy car, but with a very strong feminine side,” said lead animator Joey Goldsmith. “Chrys is a car that would rather sing and dance than race. With the help of his friends, like Mater and Lightning McQueen, Chrys learns it’s more important to be true to yourself then please your parents and other cars.”

“I had no idea my character was supposed to be gender confused, they just told me to be myself,” said Bieber. “I mean, all the lines felt perfectly natural, maybe even a little liberating. I mean, I’m a man, just ask anyone. I work really hard getting that image across. Sometimes though, I wish I could be more like Chrys the Mini-Cooper and just be myself.”

“Well I’m certainly not letting my kids see it.” said Janice Gold, a mother of 5 small children in rural Kentucky. ”Kids need to learn to be what God made them. There’s no picking and choosing your sex, and the whole idea makes me sick. Our family, and all the families in our church, are certainly going to be protesting this film, and every other Disney movie, too.”

This Mini, created by YassidDesigns, shows what Biebers character could look like in the new film.
This Mini, created by YassidDesigns, shows what Biebers character could look like in the new film.

Jared Leto Says Justin Bieber Won’t Stop Sending Him Dirty Texts, Snapchat Pictures

LOS ANGELES, California – Jared Leto Says Justin Bieber Won't Stop Sending Him Dirty Snapchat Pictures

While being interviewed by WKYL-FM Los Angeles radio talk show host Jenny McIntyre, actor and musician Jared Leto made a shocking statement when asked about obsessed fans. “Justin Bieber is my most obsessed fan, by far. Of all the guys who look up to me and the girls that are into me, Bieber is the worst. That dude will not leave me alone,” Leto said during the interview.

McIntyre laughed, assuming that Leto was just joking, but Leto said he was very serious, and has been trying for months to get Bieber to stop texting him.

“No, I am as serious as a heart attack. We met literally one time, and I gave him my number and was like ‘hey, we should hang out, get some drinks sometime.’ I guess he took it the wrong way,” Leto said. “So ever since then, he calls me at least three or four times a day. I don’t answer, so he texts. There have been a few days where he’s sent me over 200 texts or pictures.”

The star, known for films such as Requiem For a Dream and The Dallas Buyers Club (which earned him his first Oscar), is also the frontman for alternative rock outfit 30 Seconds To Mars. He said that he was just trying to be polite when he met Bieber at a concert last year, and didn’t think the pop singer would even contact him.

“When he did text me the first time, I really was going to hang out with him,” said Leto. “It was just that our schedules didn’t line up, and I told him we would get it together eventually. I think he took that completely the wrong way, though. He started sending me pictures through snapchat. I’m a very progressive guy, but there are some things I really don’t want to see; If I wanted to check out Justin’s little Bieber, I’d Google it just like any normal teenage girl or sexually frustrated housewife.”

Bieber, who has been hounded by the media ever since Leto’s interview went viral, said that he doesn’t even know who Jared Leto is, but that it’s very possible he’s sent him nude pics, because he “sends them to everyone.”

 

 

‘Diary of Anne Frank’ Flagged For Plagiarism

AMSTERDAM, Netherlands – ‘Diary of Anne Frank’ Flagged For Plagiarism

The Diary of Anne Frank, required reading for many middle-schoolers since its publication in 1947, was recently flagged for plagiarism, a discovery credited to 12-year old student Hanne Flüvke, who ran the book through an online plagiarism checker.

Through a translator Flüvke said, “We had to write a paper on Anne Frank and how she would be today in society. ‘Would she use Facebook and texting?’ my teacher asked, so I was checking my paper to make sure I wasn’t copying anything another person wrote.”

“Suddenly I became not very happy,” said Flüvke. “I started my report with Justin Bieber when he said he thought Anne Frank would be a ‘Belieber’ and my grandmother said, ‘Remember when I used to read you The Diary of Anne Frank every night when you were just a little girl before I could not see anymore?’” Hanne dug back through her closet and found the well-worn copy of the book her grandmother had read to her as a bedtime story years before.

On a fluke, Flüvke entered passages from Diary into an online copycat detector and found that nearly every passage was flagged for plagiarism. “Everything I entered from my grandmother’s copy of The Diary of Anne Frank showed up as a copy from another book called The Diary of a Young Girl, also published in 1947. I didn’t know which one was the real one, so I called my local newspaper to help me find out.”

“The little child was right!” said Johannes Bleek, editor of Amsterdam’s Daily Chronicler. “Everything matched. I don’t know how people could have overlooked such a thing as this before! Perhaps they let it go since the story was so sad about the little girl.”

The Supreme Court of the Netherlands (Hoge Raad der Nederlanden) ruled last week that The Diary of Anne Frank was indeed directly sourced – without credit – from The Diary of A Young Girl, and that proper royalty payments owed to the Frank family would have to be recalculated.  The Court also ruled that any unauthorized use of the former book would make violators liable for prosecution under international law.

“I didn’t want to start any troubles,” said Flüvke. “I just wanted to write a paper, so now I don’t know what to do. Maybe I’ll write about Justin Bieber if I made believe he was locked up in the attic and I rescued him, which I hope never happens to him someday because I want to marry him.”

Bleek published an editorial urging citizens to burn unauthorized copies of The Diary of Anne Frank in the town square. The date of the public book burning will be set after the editor secures the necessary public fire department permits.

Blake Griffin Smacks Justin Bieber At Hollywood Starbucks

WEST HOLLYWOOD, California – Blake Griffin Smacks Justin Bieber At Hollywood Starbucks

Justin Bieber simply can’t seem to keep himself out of trouble.

Police were dispatched this morning to respond to an altercation at a Starbucks in West Hollywood involving some familiar faces. According to police reports, a barista at the coffee-house was apparently confronted by Bieber when he refused to serve the pop star because Bieber wasn’t wearing a shirt.

“He came in with no shirt on, and his pants hanging down and underwear showing. He tried to order a caramel apple macchiato,” said Joey Goldsmith, the Starbucks barista. “I know that it’s Hollywood, and we get some crazy looking folks in here. Celebrities, too. They all wear shirts, though. I simply informed Bieber that our store policy stated he would have to put a shirt on if he wanted to order. Everyone else in the place had a shirt on. Why the hell doesn’t Bieber ever have a shirt on, anyway?”

Customers in the coffee-house say that Bieber snapped, and according to the police report, started swearing at and threatening Goldsmith, saying that he would get his bodyguard to ‘kick [Goldsmith’s] ass’ and to just ‘give [me] a f—— macchiato.”

Fortunately for Goldsmith, LA Clippers star Blake Griffin, who had been enjoying a drink at a nearby table and was witness to the altercation, decided to step in.

Patrons and employees at the scene reported that Griffin tried to calm Bieber down by simply talking to him, but that he wasn’t listening, apparently not even aware of who Griffin was, and mistakenly thinking he was fully protected by his bodyguards and friends. There was more yelling, and Bieber ended up pushing Griffin, telling him to ‘back off.’ Many people in the Starbucks commented, barely able to stifle their laughter, that after Bieber started shoving Griffin is when he smacked Bieber in the face, knocking him to the floor.

“He smacked the s— out of him, and Bieber went down like a sack of moldy tangerines,” said one witness. “Before anyone could think to whip out their cell phones and film it for YouTube, Justin’s entourage scooped him up and helped him stumble out of the door. I think he was crying. They threw a sweatshirt or something on him and literally stuffed him into the back of a car. It was kind of sad and pathetic, just like his music.”

Bieber was gone before police arrived at the scene, and no charges were brought against Griffin. His Starbucks coffee was on the house.

Justin Bieber to Play Little Orphan Annie on Broadway

NEW YORK CITY, New York – Justin Bieber To Play Little Orphan Annie on Broadway

In an interview with Rolling Stone magazine set to hit the stands in October, Justin Bieber announced that he will be starring in the title role in the beloved classic musical, Annie, on Broadway next year.

Said the young music sensation, “I’m pretty stoked to take a break from the hip hop scene and do what I really love—show tunes.”

He also noted the parallels between the rags-to-riches character and his own shot to wealth and stardom. “Annie really inspired my journey,” he said. “And if she were a real person, I really think she’d be a belieber.”

Bieber revealed that the song, It’s a Hard Knock Life was the reason he chose to break into music to begin with, and even claims that from the moment his mom put in the old VHS during a family fun night, he became convinced that it gave birth to the hip-hop movement as we know it.

“If you think about it,” said Bieber, “hip-hop came from rap, an art form inspired by disenfranchised youth and life on the streets. People think being from a white Canadian family I don’t know about that. But I saw the great classic film Don’t be a Menace to South Central While Drinking Your Juice in the Hood. Belieb me. I know.”

Aside from his elation at this career-changing opportunity, which he calls “a dream come true,” he can’t wait to “take a Lamborghini through Times Square at 120.”

At the close of the interview, Bieber stated that proceeds from the production will be donated to a support group for celebrities who have been defamed by the media.

“That’s right homies, the sun will come out tomorrow,” Bieber said, with a fist-bump to the chest. “The Biebs has got all ya’lls back.”

When asked if more gender-bending stage performances could be anticipated in the near future, he replied, “Right now I’m in talks with Alex Timbers to do Anne of Green Gables.”

Tickets go on sale August 1st, 2014.

Justin Bieber Purchases Historic Graceland Mansion From Elvis Presley Estate

MEMPHIS, Tennessee – justin beiber buys historic graceland mansion

Graceland, the cherished white-columned Mansion in Memphis, Tennessee purchased by Elvis Presley in March of 1957 for $102,500 has, shockingly, been sold according to Presley’s daughter, Lisa Marie Presley, for an undisclosed amount of money. The buyer was none other than millionaire pop-singer Justin Bieber, who closed the deal on Monday.

The home, registered as a National Historic Landmark, has been estimated to have been worth at least $100 million. As most Elvis lovers know, the home is a huge tourist attraction, attracting more than 600,000 visitors per year. So what does it all mean? Will Bieber keep it as is, which is big business and a major Memphis tourist attraction? Nobody seems to know, including Lisa Marie.

“It is a difficult time for my mother and I, as we have decided to move on,” Said Presley via a written statement issued by her publicist, Paul Bloch. “Keeping up with Graceland had proven to be extremely taxing – literally and figuratively. We privately put it on the market last month. It was sold to Justin Bieber, and we will leave any and all details for him and his people to explain. The sale was completed and that is all we can share with you at this time.”

The news is sure to infuriate longtime lovers of The King. Visitors who were waiting in line for a daily tour of the home were asked their opinion about the transaction, none of which had any idea that the home had been sold.

“This is a joke right?” asked concerned fan Kenny Russell, from Chicago, Illinois, who was visiting with his two daughters. “Well, all I can say is I’m glad I brought them when I did, because if that trouble making punk bought this beautiful place, it will surely become some kinda sex-filled bachelor pad and get destroyed.”

As if news of  Graceland wasn’t shocking enough, fans seemed generally depressed and mostly angered that it was sold to someone such as Bieber.

“I’ll tell you what…if that overgrown toddler really did purchase this place, it is a major blow to American Music History,” said Dottie Pittman of New Orleans, Louisiana. “I will never be back, that’s for sure!”

Several attempts to contact the Bieber camp came up empty on Monday evening. It is totally unknown what will be done with the mansion located at 3764 Elvis Presley Blvd. There is speculation that there were partners involved with Bieber, but those reports have yet to be confirmed. Why Bieber is remaining tight-lipped about the exchange is as bizarre as the story itself.

“What exactly has the world come to? Maybe some drastic measure can be taken, causing the reversal of transaction.” Said Presley super-fan Mark Chapman. “[Bieber] is everything that is wrong with show business. It is as if he is some mutant, annoying, pimple faced spoiled rich kid that gets anything he wants in this country. If this social decline continues we are ultimately doomed.”

 

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