Man Shoots Off His Own Foot During Open Carry Texas Rally

Posted on June 14, 2014 by Bob The Empire News Potato

TEMPLE, Texas –

Carl Bellows of Temple, Texas was taken to the hospital during an “Open Carry Texas” demonstration on Thursday afternoon after almost completely severing his foot when he accidentally discharged his AK-47.

Bellows was reportedly standing with another member of the Open Carry Texas movement during the rally, and they were both “talking excitedly, and [Bellows] was jumping up and down – really getting pumped up” said a witness to the accident.

“His gun just went off, and blasted him right in the foot. Those machine guns, man, they pack a wallop. His entire foot was pretty much obliterated.” Said the witness. “It was a real mess. Kind of like spaghetti and meatballs or something. That look. Anyway, I just thank God I wasn’t any closer. I might have been a casualty of progress, or something.”

Open Carry Texas is a group of gun-toting men and women so crazy in their belief in the 2nd Amendment that even the NRA, a group widely known for their hard-fought belief in guns and gun ownership, called them “downright scary.”

“This incident at the OCT rally, it only proves our point.” Said James W. Porter II, President of the NRA. “We like guns. Hell, we love guns, obviously. ‘From our cold, dead hands,’ and all that nonsense. But these people…These [Open Carry Texas] members are just out of their [expletive] minds. They’re seriously the worst kind of crazy. Just because we [NRA members] love owning guns, doesn’t mean we go out and show off our bazookas while getting our morning coffee.”

Open Carry Texas aimed their sights back at the NRA recently in a Facebook post, saying that the NRA doesn’t really know what their group even stands for.

“The NRA has refused to learn for themselves how Open Carry Texas conducts itself other than what the liberal media and Bloomberg-funded gun control extremists have falsely portrayed.” Said the OCT in their post.

Bellows and his foot are not the first major casualties of the OCT’s war on showing off their weaponry. Recently several restaurant chains in Texas have placed restrictions on firearms being brought into their locations, including Sonic, Chipotle, Chili’s, Starbucks, Wendy’s, Jack in the Box, and Applebee’s.

“No skin off my ass.” Said Bill Wallace, a member of the Austin chapter of Open Carry Texas. “If the damn Wendy’s don’t want me bringing in my assault rifles when I get my chili, then to hell with ’em. I just won’t buy their chili. I have every right to carry around a damn AR-15 if I want, and ain’t no damn fast-fooders (sic) gonna tell me I can’t.”

“What these Open Carry people don’t understand, is that they’re scaring people.” Said Michelle White, a resident of Temple. “I like guns. I’ve shot guns, and I grew up around them. I’m not anti-gun. But I don’t need to stop by the pharmacy to pick up my kid’s medicine and see some guy with a high-powered rifle strapped to his back. There have been a dozen shootings across the country in the last couple months. It just hits a raw nerve to see someone carrying like that in the open, on the streets. They’re not making any point carrying them around – unless you count looking like intimidating bullies with tiny [expletive] a point.”

At the time of this writing, no charges were being brought against Bellows for discharging his weapon in public, although police have said they will be looking into the legality and registration on all of his guns.

Man Tries To Warn Packed Movie Theatre of Fire, No One Believes Him

Posted on June 10, 2014 by Bob The Empire News Potato

FRESNO, California –

A movie theatre in Fresno, California caught fire Monday night after a malfunction in the popcorn kettle caused the drum of oil beneath it to ignite.

Theatre manager Tom Brown ran into the auditorium of the one-screen theatre, trying to warn the patrons that they needed to get out by yelling “fire!” Most theatre patrons ignored him, and some even told him to be quiet. As one customer said, everyone believed he was just “being a jerk.”

“I thought he was just ‘yelling fire in a crowded theatre,’ you know?” Said one man, interviewed outside the theatre, mouth full of popcorn. “We thought it was just a joke – some moron getting his laughs. I really wanted to see what happened to Magneto, so I was mostly ignoring him. Then the screen suddenly caught on fire, and I think everyone knew it was real.”

The small theatre was completely destroyed in the blaze, although there were no reported injuries.

“I am so glad that we were all able to make it out okay.” Said Chris Bartlett, who was there with his wife and two small children. “I think they really need to have some sort of new word they use instead of ‘fire!’, at least when it happens in a theatre, you know? Maybe something like ‘Goobers!’ or ‘Reese’s Pieces!’ could be yelled instead. Then everyone would know it was for real.”

Brown says that next time he’s working at a theatre that catches on fire, he’ll just pull the fire alarm.

Hasbro To Create Home Version of “Knockout Game”

Posted on June 10, 2014 by Bob The Empire News Potato

PAWTUCKET, Rhode Island –

Now your son or daughter can experience all the thrills and excitement of living in a dangerous ghetto, but from the comfort of your family living room. Hasbro, the company behind such game and toy classics as Monopoly and GI Joe, has announced today their plans to release a version of the dangerous “Knockout Game” for children.

The “Knockout game” is one of many names given by American news media to street assaults in which one or more assailants attempt to knock out an unsuspecting victim, often with a single violent haymaker, merely for their amusement or for “internet notoriety” when posted to YouTube and other websites.

A representative for Hasbro, Theodore Thomas, said that this is the first time the company has created a new product based on a street game.

“We’ve released everything from marbles to Monopoly, but we’ve never had a game where kids could take swings at each other before.” Said Thomas. “We’re really excited to launch our new Knockout Game: Home Edition! I know I’ll be giving it to my kids for Christmas, and really let them go at each other!”

Head designer for Hasbro, Greg Starscream, said that the game would play a lot like toy competitor Schilling’s “Socker Boppers,” but with points and a “winner.”

“We took the best things about punching people in the face, and added a twist to it.” Said Starscream. “You put on our (patent pending) silicone and foam rubber gloves, which each have an electronic points system built in. The players will take turns punching each other, and whoever gets “knocked out” first loses.”

Thomas said that despite the violent idea behind the game, there should be no safety concerns for parents, as the company has taken every precaution and safety measure.

“The difference between the real version of the Knockout Game and ours, is that you don’t actually have to physically knock someone out in the home version. Our points system will beep every time you score a point. Think of it as a new-age version of Rock ’em-Sock ’em Robots – but you get to do the punching!”

Hasbro plans on releasing their Knockout Game: Home Edition by the middle of October, just in time for the Christmas rush.

Man Files Lawsuit After His Horse Is Mocked By Neighbor’s Cow

Posted on June 10, 2014 by Bob The Empire News Potato

BEAR LAKE, Pennsylvania –

Charlie Carey, whose horse got stuck in the fence while trying to get out of his corral, is suing his neighbor, Richard Lewis, after Carey tried to get a photo of his horse, and Lewis’ cow “photobombed” the stuck and frightened animal.

“This isn’t the first time Tank [the horse] had gotten stuck trying to get out,” said Carey. “I went out to take a photo, because I hired a team to build a new fence, and wanted to show them exactly what Tank kept doing so they could make something that would prevent it.”

Carey says that when he went out to take a picture, Lewis’ cow, Bessie, jumped right in the picture “with a huge grin on her face.”

“That cow hates me, and it hates Tank, and it was mocking us both.” Alleges Carey.

Carey filed suit in the Warren County Superior Court, citing both Lewis and his cow, saying that Bessie “intentionally mocked, with intent to annoy and humiliate.” He is seeking damages of $180,000, for his “wasted camera film” and emotional distress caused by the incident.

When Lewis was asked about the notion that Bessie knew she was “photobombing” Carey’s horse, he blew off the idea, saying it was all nonsense.

“This whole situation is a damn joke.” Says Lewis, who bought the house next door to Carey’s only about 5 months ago. “Bessie is a cow. She certainly doesn’t have any animosity towards anyone, except for maybe Ronald McDonald. Possibly the Burger King. Definitely not Carey. She doesn’t know him from Adam.”

Lewis and Carey have a history of bad blood, and according to police reports each man has already called them multiple times with various complaints against each other.

“He [Lewis] is the worst neighbor I’ve ever had.” Said Carey. “Ol’ Joe Parsons, he lived there before [Lewis], and he was the damn nicest man you’d ever want to meet. I’ve had nothing but problems since he moved in.”

Police reports show complaints from both men, ranging from “too many chickens running around loose” to “walking around the house naked with the curtains open.”

Martin Hastings, captain of the Bear Lake police department, said that he’s never seen two men have so many disagreements over what he claims is “absolute bull[expletive].”

“It’s gotten to the point where our dispatcher knows both men very well, and calls them by their first names. This photobombing cow thing – I’ve been on the force for 23 years, and now I know I’ve seen it all.”

“Like I said, Charlie is just a [expletive]. Suing me for my cow “mocking him?” Get real. He’s just milking this for all it’s worth. Er, no pun intended, Bessie.” Said Lewis.

New Study Proves Everyone Is At Least Slightly Gay

Posted on June 7, 2014 by Bob The Empire News Potato

PIEDMONT, North Dakota –

A new scientific study performed by a private medical team at Massasoit General Hospital in Piedmont, North Dakota has proven that 100% of people have at least a little bit of gay in them.

“It doesn’t matter if you’re male, female, or a eunuch,” Said Professor Neil Louis, head of HumanZone, INC., the privately-held medical research company that performed the study. “Through many years of testing, research, development, and a tiny bit of trial-and-error, we have discovered the actual strain in human DNA that causes homosexuality. [And] these tests conclude that everyone, no matter who they are, has at least a small amount of that strain in them.”

It has long been known, although argued vehemently by bigots and religious zealots, that homosexuality is a trait that is developed while a person is still in the fetal state, being born homosexual or heterosexual. With this knowledge, Professor Louis and his team were able to discover exactly at what stage of the pregnancy a person “becomes” homosexual. Once they discovered this timeframe, they used that knowledge to find the actual DNA gene itself. They were then startled to discover that in every sample they had, whether it was from people who identified as straight or as homosexual, they could find at least some part of that same strain.

“It’s all extremely complicated,” said Louis. “I don’t expect that a layperson would understand it. When our research is published in the Boston Medical Journal of Research next month, anyone will be able to peruse our findings.”

What this means for people as whole, according to Louis, really amounts to nothing at all.

“This is not going to change any person’s day-to-day life. Knowing that you have a little gay in you, so what? What does that matter? Is there something wrong being gay? I mean, do people still think that in this day and age? What’s the matter with them? Who cares?”

In his findings, the professor and his team discovered that there were different “levels” of homosexuality, as they referred to them. Just as the stereotypes you can imagine of homosexuals, portrayed in TV and movies as anything from extremely flamboyant with female qualitites to men still repressing their sexuality, the study actually showed that the more a man claims to despise homosexuals, the more of the homosexual strain they would find in him.

“Men who we tested who considered themselves to be homophobic, or even overtly hostile towards homosexuals, were found to have the MOST amounts of homosexual DNA strains in them. I guess it does prove true the old adage that the more someone hates gay people, the more they really are repressing their own desires for some hot man-on-man action.”

Curiously, the study was not performed on any women.

“Oh, we didn’t bother studying women. Everyone already knows that all it takes to get a woman to have gay tendencies is a couple vodka and Red Bull martinis.”

Obama Apologizes For Bergdahl Negotiations; Offers To Trade Him Back To Taliban

Posted on June 6, 2014 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Just 5 days ago, the Obama administration orchestrated the release of Sgt. Bowe Bergdahl from a Taliban-controlled prison in Afghanistan in exchange for 5 Guantanamo Bay detainees. Since his release was announced, the online debates as to whether or not Bergdahl was a deserter, abandoning his post in Yahya Kheyl in an Eastern province of Afghanistan, has divided the country during a time that would normally be a celebration for a POW returning home.

Because of the nature of the capture, the negotiation with terrorist leaders to bring Bergdahl home, and the unclear matter of his deserter status, President Obama made a formal apology to the nation today for acting without proper consent, and breaking laws that required Congress to be notified of any prisoner exchanges.

“I was unaware that Bergdahl was an… [alleged] deserter. I was doing my best to bring home a man who had suffered five years in a Taliban prison.” Said President Obama. “I have disgraced myself and my country for dealing with terrorists, for bending laws that I myself signed, and for trading the lives of 5 men in Guantanamo for the life of one man, who may or may not even deserve to have been saved.”

Obama went on to say that he believed that Bergdahl had suffered while he was in Afghanistan, but that didn’t excuse him of running out on his duties, and that the US is extremely embarrassed that they wasted such a good trade on a man who has disgraced his country in this way.

“If this was a proud man, a young man who stood for something great, then this trade would have been worth releasing 100 people from Guantanamo in exchange. I had actually considered letting 10 people go, but the Taliban, they started with 5 and I decided there was no reason to counter that number. Now that I have learned what I have about Bergdahl, I would have no problems trading him back. I’ll even take just 3 people back in exchange.” Said Obama.

Bergdahl will return his hometown of Hailey, Idaho within the next few weeks, although not to the fanfare that was originally scheduled. Plans for a parade in his honor, as well as entire hometown celebration, were abandoned after news of his deserter status began to spread across the internet. Originally planned for July 28th, the town’s official word is that they don’t have the resources to contain the amount of people expected. It is quite possible, though, that the backlash from the internet, as well as threats, hatred, and menace aimed at the town for planning a celebration had something to do with their cancellation.

“The City of Hailey believes in due process, and we are very happy to let the process unfold,” said the city’s mayor. “In the meantime, our celebration will focus on [Bowe’s] release and the relief of his family and those who live here.”

Sprint Looks To Buy T-Mobile; Plans To Completely Dissolve Company

Posted on June 5, 2014 by Bob The Empire News Potato

OVERLAND PARK, Kansas –

Negotiations have begun for Sprint, the third largest wireless company in the US, to purchase T-Mobile, the fourth largest wireless company, from their parent Deutsche Telekom. The merger is reported to be worth approximately $32 billion, with part being paid in cash and part in stock, a typical option for deals of this size.

Assuming that the FCC approves the deal, Sprint has stated that their plans for T-Mobile would be to phase it out completely, while converting their customers into the Sprint family. The T-Mobile network, which runs on the much faster GSM technology would remain intact, with Sprint converting their handsets to take advantage of the higher speeds necessary for such a large subscriber base and congested network. Combined, Sprint and T-Mobile would have nearly 100 million customers.

“We feel very strongly that there is absolutely no need for T-Mobile to continue on as a company once our purchase is cleared.” Said Dan Hesse, chairman of Sprint Corp. US. “They’ve done some great things for the wireless world in the last year or two, but it’s nothing that we can’t continue without them. If this merger happens, it will definitely be the end for T-Mobile.”

The news that T-Mobile could possibly be closing their doors hit hard for many employees in the company, especially low-ranking retail and call center workers, who just went through a similarly stressful situation a few years ago when AT&T was looking to purchase T-Mobile. That merger was denied by FCC regulators, citing laws against creating a monopoly within the industry.

“It’s extremely disheartening, the idea of them shutting us down.” Said Christopher Pike, a call center employee. “I was here when AT&T came strutting through, and tried to pick us up. It was horrible, stressful. No one knew what was going to happen. This is almost worse, because they’ve already told us that we’re going to be out of a job if this buyout is approved.”

Jon Legere, CEO of T-Mobile, doesn’t seem too worried about keeping a job within the company if the buy-out happens. Legere, who has only been with T-Mobile for the last couple of years, has become an outspoken president, known for his profanity-laced speeches calling out AT&T and Verizon for their “shady” practices and their old-school mentality.

“I always talked about AT&T, Verizon – I rarely ever talked any [expletive] about Sprint, because I knew this was going to happen eventually. It’s no surprise to me. You can’t be #4 in the game forever without #3 knocking on your door. Well, the door is open now, and it’s about time I take off this magenta shirt and start thinking about how I’m going to look in yellow.”

With T-Mobile inevitably on the route to the end, many customers who recently switched from Sprint were delighted that they would be able to go back.

“I switched over to T-Mobile when my contract with Sprint ran out. Needed to try something new, ya know?” Said Alex Winter, a long time Sprint subscriber. “They don’t have contracts, sure, but they suckered me into buying a phone for $750, and with monthly payments, it’s going to take 2 damn years to pay off, so it’s basically the same thing. I can’t leave them without paying an arm and a leg to get rid of this phone, and their service is terrible. I can’t wait to get back with Sprint.”

As of this writing, there were no definite terms completed for the possible buyout, with representatives for Sprint and T-Mobile refusing to comment.

Brad Pitt to Attacker Vitalii Sediuk: “I’ll Pay Your Bail If You’ll Fight Chuck Liddell”

Posted on June 5, 2014 by Bob The Empire News Potato

HOLLYWOOD, California –

Brad Pitt was assaulted at the premiere of his wife Angelia Jolie’s new film Maleficent early last week by self-proclaimed celebrity “prankster” Vitalii Sediuk. Sediuk apparently made it past security and hit Pitt in the face while he was signing autographs for fans.

The scuffle was apparently short lived, as private security instantly restrained Sediuk until police arrived, where they arrested and charged him with assault. Pitt initially filed an emergency restraining order on Sediuk, but then rescinded the order when Pitt’s longtime friend, MMA legend Chuck Liddell, offered to “put a pounding” to Sediuk for him.

Although no official announcement has been made, so far what is known is that the fight will take place in Las Vegas, and that assuming all legal channels can be cleared in time, it would be set for the second week in June. Pitt was quoted as saying he thought it was a “wonderful idea,” and offered to pay Sediuk’s $20,000 bail if Sediuk would agree to take the fight with Liddell.

“This entire thing would be legit, all legal. We’re not talking about me, you know, sicking my extremely well-trained, badass friend onto some loser.” Said Pitt. “[And] Sediuk may be a loser, but this will still turn out okay. We plan to turn this all around and create a charity event, a charity fight. I want Sediuk to get his ass kicked by Chuck, and I’m going to take all the money we make from it and give it to starving and orphaned children around the world.”

Pitt and Liddell met several years ago when Liddell was hired as a fight coordinator for the film Kick Ass, which Pitt’s company Plan B Entertainment produced. Reportedly, as soon as Liddell heard about the attack, he called Pitt to pitch him the idea.

“I normally don’t get involved in things like this.” Said Liddell. “But Brad is a friend. Angelina, the kids – they’re good people. This guy is a jerkoff who thinks he is some sort of prankster, some sort of hotshot. I’ve beaten the hell out of a lot of hotshots in my day. Retired or not, I can always add one more.”

Because Sediuk has a history of altercations with other celebrities in Hollywood, other stars including Leonardo DiCaprio and Will Smith are also lending their support to Pitt. Both DiCaprio and Smith have been victims of Sediuk’s antics in the past; DiCaprio had his crotch grabbed last year, and Sediuk grabbed Smith and tried to kiss him at the premiere of Men In Black 3.

As of this writing, Sediuk was still in jail in Los Angeles awaiting a court hearing. His lawyers have brought him all relevant information on the fight, and sources say that Sediuk is willing to participate.

Twitter Launching New Paid Service With 200 Character Limit

Posted on June 5, 2014 by Bob The Empire News Potato

SAN FRANSISCO, California –

Twitter [NYSE: TWTR] may have finally put an end to the jokes about getting all your thoughts down in 140 characters or less, as this morning they announced their new paid service, dubbed Twit-Pro, which allows users an additional 60 characters per ‘tweet,’ bringing the total to 200.

“We are very excited to be debuting our new paid service, Twit-Pro, to the world.” Said Jack Dorsey, Chairman. “This new Twitter experience should help those micro-bloggers out there who want to say what they’re thinking and feeling, but need more than 140 characters to do it. We think it’s a huge leap forward for the Twittersphere.”

Twit-Pro, which Dorsey said will be fully integrated into existing Twitter apps for all platforms, as well as the Twitter website by the beginning of next month, will allow users the ability to pay a nominal monthly fee in exchange for the extra 60 characters when tweeting. Dorsey did not say how much they would be charging, but he did say they had worked out deals with all major U.S. cell phone carriers to allow users to bill directly to their provider.

Aside from just allowing for extra characters, Twit-Pro is also going to be offering the option of recording and posting videos into the user’s Twitter feed, with recording time up to 45 seconds.

“We wanted to take the best experiences you find on all social media, the most popular apps and websites, and combine them. We will now be allowing users to use more characters and record short video tweets, much like Vine, and embed them directly to all your followers. The days of linking and using other services to post into your Twitter feed are coming to an end. We want everything to be handled right by our own service.”

Other features announced with Twit-Pro are a song and media identifier, so you can instantly tweet the song or TV show you are watching just by letting your phone “listen” to the sounds around you, as well as a check-in feature that will let users mark down places they’ve visited with links to reviews for restaurants, movies, night clubs, or even national parks and resorts.

Twit-Pro is slated to become a live feature in the next Twitter update, scheduled for July 1st on Android, July 7th on the iPhone, and July 13th for Windows OS.

The Lion King Contains Hidden SEX Messages

Posted on January 9, 2000 by Bob The Empire News Potato

In this image from The Lion King (1994), observant users have said that as Simba falls to the ground, the leaves and grass that blow into the air form the word SEX (highlighted in smaller box.) Some other fans of the film say that it spells SFX, a reference to the special effects and animation departments that worked on the film. Disney has never been a stranger to controversy about innuendos hidden in their children’s films.