Burger King Manager Fired After He Was Caught Eating McDonald’s Big Mac

Posted on August 31, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

SCRANTON, Pennsylvania –

A lawsuit is underway after a Scranton, Pennsylvania Burger King manager was fired earlier this week because he was caught eating a Big Mac cheeseburger on his lunch break. Ron Berger, the now former store manager, was let go after 10 years with the Burger King chain after security footage showed him bringing the McDonald’s flagship burger into the restaurant he was in charge of.

There is no rule controlling what employees can or cannot eat while on their break, but Burger King “strongly suggested” that employees eat something off of their menu.

“I mean, it wasn’t the first time that I’ve brought in food from McDonald’s, but I guess it will be the last,” Said Berger. “I really enjoy Big Macs. They’re so delicious. I really just can’t resist the two all-beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions – on a sesame seed bun…and it’s just a food item that Burger King doesn’t offer. It isn’t like I’m trying to take down Burger King one Big Mac at a time, they’re just damn delicious. I plan to sue for what they’ve done, and I feel that I’ll be finally able to order something other than an item off the dollar menu when I get my settlement check.”

Burger King Corporation has released a statement about the issue, and it comes as no surprise that they aren’t taking the side of the fired employee. McDonald’s has reportedly offered a job managing one of their locations to Berger, who has not decided if he wants to continue working in fast food.

Hillary Clinton Offered $5M To Make Adult Film With Company Vivid Video

Posted on August 31, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

LOS ANGELES, California –

Hillary Clinton is taking on a new type of job that may make her numbers drop in the polls.

Trying to keep her name high in the political spotlight through possible scandal, including a massive email snafu, has not been easy. In an extremely surprising change of character, it was announced today that Clinton has signed a multi-million dollar contract with Vivid Video, a well-known adult entertainment company. Neither Vivid not Clinton have commented on exactly what the terms of her deal are, as far as sexual acts that will appear in the film.

Inside sources say that Vivid has begun auditioning actors for a new adult film they plan to release this winter called Bend Me Over Benghazi. The film’s plot is described as a being about a young woman struggling to make it to the top of the hectic, scary, and vile world of politics, all while she uses her orifices to climb the ladder of success. Presumably, Clinton is serving as Vivid’s go-to for information on the behind-the-scenes intrigue and goings-on of political life.

Despite Vivid trying to keep their deal a secret, they did comment saying “What people are saying about our contract and deals, they may or may not be true. Just watch our website cum (sic) the end of the year, and you can see for yourself what we’re up to.”

With the news breaking right as Trump takes a lead in the polls, questions abound as to whether Clinton still plans to stay in the race. Her normally staunch supporters seem to be less-than-thrilled about the news of her working in the adult industry, even if she doesn’t end up working in front of the camera.

“You can’t run a country if the people you are in control of know what you look like naked,” said Anthony Wiener, former New York State congressman. “I know that once I sent out all those cock pics to everyone, there was no way I was becoming president.”

“I don’t know what her deal is, and I don’t care,” Said current vice-president Dick Cheney. “All I know is that if she ends up in a porno, that is one tape that I definitely have to see.”

Bend Me Over Benghazi is scheduled for release in November. Clinton and her representatives refused comment for this article.

Harvard Researchers Say Eating Hot Dogs Can Lead To Impotence

Posted on August 31, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

BOSTON, Massachusetts –

Researchers at Harvard University released a startling report over the weekend linking hot dogs to bouts of impotence.

The mega-popular snack, commonly consumed during televised sporting events, BBQs, parties, and all night video game binges, are linked in the report to massive libido disfunction in – curiously – cows, as well as men, who consume the processed meat four times a week or more.

Research for this discovery commenced after mature Guernsey bulls living on the University’s dairy inadvertently consumed two hundred pounds of hot dogs set aside for the school farm’s hogs.

Doctor Adrian Blondell, an endocrinologist overseeing artificial insemination operations, knew something was wrong when the big fellas didn’t deliver. The collection process which normally drives young bulls crazy made them eventually sit down on the job out of presumed boredom.

“It was absolutely bizarre, dozens of healthy bulls acting like they had been snipped,” Blondell reported.

Alarmed and amazed by the phenomenon, Dr. Blondell ordered immediate analysis of the bulls manure and head-to-tail physicals. All tests indicated a massive drop in testosterone production.

“Anybody that has ever eaten more than a few hot dogs easily recognizes the slimy taste left behind in their mouths,” said Dr. Blondell. “I have theorized that men frequently consume the most hot dogs, so I set out to prove that it was causing issues for them, too.”

Blondell’s fully study will be published in an upcoming journal, but she does recommend that people stop eating hot dogs if they plan on living full, rich, sexual lives.

‘White Entertainment Television’ To Be Added To DirecTV Lineup In December

Posted on August 31, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

LAKEVIEW, Delaware –

The founder of the White Christians of America, Richard S. Jennings, announced earlier this week that the group, which promotes “a purely wholesome, caucasian, and Christian existence” will launch a television network via DirecTV in December. The network, White Entertainment Television, or ‘WET’ is to air “clean, Christian, heterosexual, white entertainment.”

“It is our undying mission to compete with the less-than-appropriate trash shown on television today which is obviously confusing our pure, innocent caucasian children,” said Jennings. “We look forward to this endeavor, and together with DirecTV, we have no doubt that our mission will be successful.”

President and CEO of DirecTv, Michael Brown, said that the addition of the network, which will provide programming featuring only those of the white race and Christian religion, is one that shows what DirecTV, now owned by AT&T, is all about.

“We are all about equal opportunity, we offer programming from BET (Black Entertainment Television), so we do not feel that this is any different. Obviously, those who do not want to watch it don’t have to. We simply believe it is only fair to offer everyone of different races and beliefs something that interest them,” said Brown.

While many believe it is only fair, and ironically, an equal opportunity, there are also those who feel this is a step backwards in the ever evolving progression of racial relations in the United States, especially in the heat of a very race-driven political landscape.

DirecTV subscribers can look for the channel to be added to all package lineups on December 20th.

Yoko Ono Says She Had An Affair With Hillary Clinton

Posted on August 31, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

LOS ANGELES, California –

Yoko Ono shocked reporters yesterday when she responded to a question concerning the presidential run of Hillary Clinton and the possibility that she could become the first woman President of the United States in American history.

The artist and widow of John Lennon, who is in Los Angeles to present a collection of cups and saucers she is exhibiting at the Museum of Modern Art, totally took reporters by surprise by admitting she had not only met the former First Lady at various times during a series of protests against the Vietnam War in New York in the 1970s but also knew her “intimately”.

The celebrity admitted laughingly to having “a fling” with her at the time and acknowledged her election “would be a great advancement for LGBT and Women rights in America” she added.

Hillary Clinton has been hit by a series of allegations of being a lesbian in her career which could ruin her bid for the presidency, believe some experts

Yoko Ono when asked about her thoughts about Hillary’s run for the presidency completely took reporters by surprise.

“We met many times during the New York Vietnam War protests in the 1970s, and became very intimate. We shared many of the same values about sexual equality, fighting against the authoritarian, patriarchal, male-dominated society we were raised in” she explained.

“We had a brief romantic fling when I lived with John in Manhattan and Hillary was studying at Yale, but eventually we lost touch. I am amazed how things are going well for her and wish her the best for her campaign” she told reporters during the press conference.

Experts believe the statement could affect the presidential candidates bid for the presidency but previous allegations of Hillary Clinton’s lesbian past have not seemed to play against the front runner for the 2016 Democratic presidential race yet.

Man Finds Dead Baby In Walmart Discount DVD Bin

Posted on August 31, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

LOUISVILLE, Kentucky –

According to police statements, 27-year-old Mark Jacobs was sorting through a Wal-Mart discount DVD bin when he discovered a rotting corpse of a newborn buried in the middle of the bin. Witnesses rushed over to Jacobs after hearing him scream and call for help.

“I saw a small foot as I dug to the bottom of the DVD pile,” said Jacobs. “Initially, I assumed that someone had placed a Halloween prop within the pile as a gag. It wasn’t until I grabbed the foot and the leg separated from the body that I realized the $5 DVDs were hiding a violent, vicious secret.”

Local police and paramedics confirmed that the child had been dead for approximately four days, and was estimated to be around three months old. Upon reviewing security footage, police found that the child was placed in the DVD bin by a young woman earlier in the week. The security footage provided by Wal-Mart Loss Prevention Department has yet to be released to the public, however, investigating officers believe the newborn’s mother to be Maria Lambert, a 31-year-old recently divorced employee of the company. They are currently unsure of her whereabouts.

Jacobs told reporters that Walmart offered him a gift card to make up for his troubling experience. However, he said he was going to “hold out for more money,” because then he could get more discount movies.

Rosie O’Donnell Makes Good On Threats To Smear Other’s With Her Menstrual Blood

Posted on August 26, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

LOS ANGELES, California –

In a 2015 radio talk show discussion about the period shaming of women, Rosie O’Donnell said, “I’d like to take my period blood I no longer have and write, ‘You’re all assholes.’ I’d like to smear it all over some people’s faces.”

According to various unreliable sources, plainspoken comedian and former The View co-host Rosie O’Donnell said publicly that she’d like to smear her menstrual blood all over either Christians’ faces or pro-life people’s faces — depending on which version you read.

Apparently, the comedian and former co-host of The View finally made good on her word, and was recently seen smearing her menstrual blood all over people in the street – anyone she deemed “pro-life” or a Christian.

“If they’re wearing a cross, then they’re getting the blood,” said O’Donnell. “If they look like they have a stick up their ass, they’re probably pro-life, and that means they’re anti-women and women’s rights, so for that, they’re getting the blood.”

O’Donnell was apparently able to throw her blood into the faces of more than 2 dozen women, as well as a few men, before she was tackled by police.

“It took about 6 of us to actually get her down, but once we did, she calmed down,” said police chief Martin Lewis. “It was a hell of bloody mess. She was wearing white pants. It looked like the elevator scene in The Shining.”

O’Donnell was released after a 24-hour hold. She is not expected to be charged with any crimes.

Cheez-It Crackers Contain Highly Addictive Additive, Many Are Boycotting Product

Posted on August 26, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

ATLANTA, Georgia –

Cheese lovers are boycotting the popular snack Cheeze-Its due to concerns about the addictive nature of the crackers, as well as some of the ingredients.

Cheez-It brand crackers contain the preservative TBHQ, which is made from butane and is dangerous to consume. BHQ, tertiary butylhydroquinone, is a synthetic antioxidant that is commonly used as a food preservative. TBHQ contains a butyl moiety which some consumers, with no knowledge of chemisty, fear is related to butane.

TBHQ has been banned in Japan, but the FDA and the European Food Safety Authority both classify TBHQ as a safe food additive.

Cheez-It has released a statement on its facebook page, addressing the many consumer concerns.

“Thanks for reaching out. We appreciate you sharing your concerns. These ingredients are antioxidants which prevent the food from spoiling. If you want to eat bad, stale crackers we suggest you find an ‘all-natural’ brand. We pride ourselves in the flavor and freshness of our product and add the least amount of preservatives necessary to keep our cracker from tasting like straight cheesy shit. We know some consumers are unnecessarily paranoid and are looking at a number of natural alternatives to ensure the same flavor and freshness in our foods. Good luck.”

The company maintains that the reason their crackers are so addictive is because “they’re fucking delicious, and everyone loves cheese.”

Subway Employee Who Drugged Police Officer’s Drink Also Ejaculated Into Spicy Mayo Sauce

Posted on August 26, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

ATLANTA, Georgia –

A sandwich shop employee accused of drugging a police officer’s drink earlier this month has admitted he also contaminated the spicy mayo sauce with his semen.

It’s been more than a week since 18-year-old Tanis Ukena was arrested.

Investigators told The Associated Press they didn’t feel comfortable pressing charges until lab results are returned to confirm what was in the drink.

Initial tests indicated meth and THC were present in the beverage.

Ukena denies putting drugs in the officer’s drink, although he did admit to masturbating into the spicy mayo, after police officers said they would find out the truth in labs, and he “better fess up.”

Ukena says that he did not use the spicy mayo when making officer’s sandwich and the mayonnaise-masturbation incident was unrelated.

“I was just bored and unscrewing the cap, I thought – ‘maybe that would feel good.’ I didn’t mean to hurt anyone. Also my lawyer has advised me to say I respect police and any use of force by police is justified in my book.”

Woman Drives SUV Into Store Because They Are Out Of Crystal Pepsi

Posted on August 26, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

LANE COUNTY, Texas –

When Noella Fay, 45, found out her local Safeway was out of Crystal Pepsi, she did not take the news well. Fay was asked to leave after repeatedly demanding employees “get more from the back.” Shift leader, Rich York threatened to call the police if Fay did not leave the store, after assuring the disgruntled customer they were completely out of the product.

Shortly thereafter Fay returned, droving her SUV into the store down an aisle to the back of the store. She then backed up and drove between the check stands and the aisles and drove out the other doors. No one was injured, according to Sgt. Rich Charboneau , but the Chevrolet Tahoe left the store in tatters.

“It goes without saying that we are just grateful that no customers or employees were harmed in our Springfield Safeway this morning,” said Jill McGinnis, communications manager with Safeway.

Police found Fay’s SUV abandoned. Officers arrested Fay at her home.

Now, Fay’s sister and husband want the public to know: that isn’t the Noella Yvonne Fay they know and love. The 43-year-old has bipolar 1 disorder, according to her husband and sister.

Fay’s medication had recently been modified, her sister said.

“I think her doctors may have been a little negligent, honestly,” Fay’s sister Joeleen Alcantar said. “If you look at her record, you know her mom just died. You know, she’s going two or three days a month with not getting a lot of sleep – and you’re OK to lower that medication? You kidding me?”

Alcantar said Fay used to work as a case worker. She lost her job after a manic episode.

Her family says they’ve called police for help in the past.

“You call the cops, and the cops tell you: ‘Sorry, there’s nothing you can do ’til she hurts herself or hurts others’,” her husband Brian Fay said. “Well, that’s what it took to get her in there.”

The Fays have a daughter and son together.

But she had been in and out of the home over the last few days. She lost her cell phone, and family members weren’t able to keep track of her whereabouts.

Now Fay is in the Lane County Jail, facing criminal charges. What happens next is up to the district attorney, police said.

“Just a question for you guys,” Alcantar asked. “How would you feel if that was your child in Safeway and she went in there? You would hate her if anything happened to your child. I hate the system, because something is going to happen to my sister. She’s a victim, too.”