Tim Burton Confirms ‘Beetlejuice 2’ Actually Happening; Keaton Out – Replaced With Johnny Depp

Posted on March 14, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

LOS ANGELES, California –

After a very back-and-forth week for Tim Burton and Beetlejuice fans, it can now be confirmed that a sequel is in the works. Originally Burton was rumored to have said that it wasn’t happening, then original stars Wynona Ryder and Michael Keaton confirmed that it was. Just a few days ago, a rep for Burton denied that a sequel was happening. All of the rumors can be put to rest, as Tim Burton himself has finally made a public announcement on the film’s future.

“We are definitely going ahead with ‘Bettlejuice 2’,” said Burton in a post on his social media pages. “I know there has been some hurt feelings on the part of the fans, and some rumors and some other garbage going around. I want to put a stop to all the lies and rumors. We are, at this moment, writing a sequel that we hope to begin filming later this year for release sometime in 2017 or early 2018.”

Burton went on to drop another bombshell, though, on his fans, in the casting department.

“Although we are extremely excited to bring fans of the first film a new look into the lives of the characters, there will be one major change, and that’s with who will be playing Bettlejuice,” said Burton. “Although many people believe that no one could play the part like Keaton, the man has gone on to win Oscars and play highbrow characters in arty films, and so we have decided that the part will be better suited to Johnny Depp.”

According to Burton, the story will continue where the original left off, with Lydia now married and with a child of her own.

McDonald’s Hires Gordon Ramsay As New TV Spokesman

Posted on March 11, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

RICHARDSON, Texas –

McDonald’s Corporation announced this morning that they have hired legendary chef and television celebrity Gordon Ramsay as their spokesman for a slew of upcoming TV commercials the company is working on.

“To be honest, we are extremely excited and amazed that he said yes to our offer,” said McDonald’s CEO Brian King. “We know that our food, while decent and mostly edible, is not to the level of a 5-star Michelin chef. We are very humbled that he is willing to promote our brand.”

“I’ve never eaten at McDonald’s, and I certainly don’t intend to start any time soon,” said Ramsay of his deal. “Frankly, they offered my a lot of money, and I’ll take it, but the food that they will show me eating in the commercials will not be real McDonald’s food. That’s just not something I’ll do. I can promise you that it will taste like dog vomit. I can tell just by looking at it.”

Ramsay is well known for his hit TV shows Hell’s Kitchen and MasterChef, among others. On Hell’s Kitchen, Ramsay is often shown screaming, yelling, and taunting contestants, who are competing for money and prizes.

“This will be a lot different than my TV shows,” said Ramsay. “They wanted to, at first, dress me up like the fucking clown, but I’m not doing that shite. That’s stupid. I’m going to talk about their hamburgers, and that’s it. The burgers are clearly shit. They look like shit, they smell like shit, and I’m getting physically ill just thinking about eating them.”

“It’s going to be great having Gordon Ramsay talk about our food in public,” said King. “We figure at this rate, we can’t get any lower ratings with the public than we have now, and at least if it’s Gordon Ramsay saying we’re horrible, there is no better person to critique than him.”

Got A Terrible Song Stuck In Your Head? 5 Ways To Relieve A ‘Musical Hangover’

Posted on March 11, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

Every once in a while, a song becomes so popular or is played so repeatedly, that you can’t turn around without hearing it, and once you do, it’s in your head for hours, days, or weeks. It’s the earworm at it’s finest (or its worst, really) and sometimes it feels like there isn’t much you can do about it. If you’re anything like me though, random songs will pop into your head even when you haven’t heard them lately, and then it drives you even more crazy. So crazy, that you’ll try anything to get it out of your head. Here’s some handy tips on how to relieve the musical agony.

1. SEEK OUT THE ARTIST OR BAND WHO WROTE THE SONG, AND TWEET THEM ABOUT THEIR HORRIBLE MUSIC

This is always the first thing I do whenever I get song stuck in my head. Finding the singer on social media and letting them know that their abysmal, shitty song is taking up valuable space in your brain is a great way to beat the tune right out of you. You’re already angry that you can’t stop humming ‘Hello,’ so tell Adele exactly what you think of her terrible pop song. This is also a great way to get support from other people who read your tweet, and also hate having shitty songs stuck in their head.

2. LISTEN TO ANOTHER, MORE CATCHY, MORE TERRIBLE SONG

Sometimes I wake up in the morning, and I’ll have a song stuck in my head that I haven’t heard for years. Let’s say it’s Hanson’s ‘Mmmbop.’ There are few things in life worse than that terrible, half-scat pop, but there are a few songs that, when sang out, and really loud, will easily make you forget about the tragedy stuck in your lobes. Try screaming WHO LET THE DOGS OUT?! or the jumbled lyrics to The Macarena while staring in the mirror. That first tune will be gone faster than you can say “one hit wonder.”

3. COMMIT SUICIDE

This one might be a heavy-handed way to go, but let’s look at this logically. Say you’re driving down the road, and you stop at a read light. The person next to you is blaring the radio, and you hear them screeching along to ‘Cotton Eyed Joe’ by Rednex. There is no way possible to escape that pain and agony. Just reading the title right now, you’ve probably already looked around for the nearest rope or gas oven, longing for the days before you knew that song existed. There are those songs out there so bad, and such horrible earworms, that the only way out is by taking your own life. I’m sorry, it’s a harsh coarse, but I’m just being realistic.

4. KILL THE ARTIST OR BAND WHO WROTE THE SONG

Unlike suicide, this option is a lot easier on your own life, in that it keeps you breathing. Much like example number one, this option really lets the artist who created that shitty song you can’t get out know exactly what you think of them. There are some drawbacks, such as not being able to live a life of freedom for very long, but there is also the notoriety level that comes along with the murder of a famous person. I mean hell, everyone knows who killed John Lennon, right? Of course, this doesn’t guarantee that you will be able to forget the song, but it does help in at least making sure whoever sang it never gets that opportunity again.

5. DO HEAVY DRUGS

This one really should have been number one, because when it comes down to it, nothing is going to make you feel as good, and relieve more tension, stress, and bad earworms, than doing copious amounts of great, hard drugs. Try to steer clear of cocaine or meth, as they will just make you want to get up and dance to the music in your head, whether you like it or not, and stick to the psychedelics. Mushrooms would be great, because you’ll start hearing the songs in your brain on a whole new level and hey, maybe they were never that bad to begin with.

U.S. Starts Initiative To Send Weed, Alcohol To Iraq So Muslims ‘Chill Out’

Posted on March 9, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

President Obama has started an initiative to send marijuana and alcohol to Muslims in Iraq and other parts of the world, with hopes that they will ‘chill out,’ and be less likely to become ‘extremists,’ or cause any harm to anyone.

“Muslims, generally, are an irrational group of people,” said Obama. “I should know, I am one. So, what I’ve proposed to congress is a measure to begin sending large quantities of marijuana and alcohol to Muslims in Iraq and other parts of the world. I strongly believe that this initiative will help them chill out, and become too relaxed to have any desire to attack the United States.”

Obama has said that although he is aware that Muslims are strongly against drugs and alcohol, he thinks that once they try it, they will change their mind.

“Anyone who says that marijuana and booze aren’t good times, clearly hasn’t tried either of them,” said Obama. “I did my fair share of both in my day, and I can honestly say, if you want to meet your God, whoever that may be, there’s no better way to do it than by getting extremely high.”

Several Muslim groups from within the United States have said that they are protesting the measure, and think that it’s just another way for Obama to make a name for himself before he is no longer in office.

Donald Trump Tweets Nude Pic To Prove He’s Well Hung

Posted on March 9, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

The media has been in a frenzy the last week after Donald Trump mentioned that there were “no problems” with the size of his penis during the recent Republican debates. Although most people were in shock that such crude and asinine comments were made during a presidential race, a huge chunk of the internet started asking for Trump to prove it, using the social media hashtag #TrumpShowUsYourPenis.

The Donald, not one to back down from a challenge, accepted the outcries of the young people of social media, and today he tweeted a fully nude selfie showing how big he really is.

“You asked for it America, and here it is,” said Trump’s tweet. “I wasn’t lying about the size of my penis, and I’m not lying about making this country great again. #dickpic.” Also included was a link to the image, which is obviously NSFW.

The tweet went viral immediately, as did the picture attached. Most people were in shock when they saw how big he actually was, and still others say that they’re actually going to vote for him now.

“Before this picture and tweet, I thought he was a buffoon,” said Joelle Clarke of Lansing, Michigan. “Now that he actually had the balls – literally – to tweet a picture of his package, I believe that he has the balls to get things done in the White House, too.”

Senator Bernie Sanders, when asked about the picture, said he “hadn’t seen it,” and “had no interest in doing so.” Democratic candidate Hillary Clinton said that she had set it as her cell phone’s wallpaper, and was currently discussing with her campaign manager whether it would be a good idea to tweet a picture of her own big, ugly penis.

As Summer Nears, Children Ready To Play Hottest New Swimming Game, ‘Marco Rubio’

Posted on March 9, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

MIAMI, Florida –

For years, a popular swimming game for children – or adults pretending to be children – has always been Marco Polo, where one child closes his eyes and yells out “Marco!” while other children scream “Polo!” in return. This year, though, a group of children in Miami have upped the game, swapping out Marco Polo for Marco Rubio.

“The game basically plays the same as Marco Polo always did, except now we scream back ‘Rubio!'” said Freddy Johnson, 9. “I don’t really know anything about politics, but my dad says that Marco Rubio is a huge joke, and that all he does is play games, so this is a fun way to include him in our playtime!”

Many parents are happy that their children are taking to the new, family-friendly game.

“After the huge fiasco that my family had trying to play Trump-Twister, this is so much easier,” said Mary Lambert, 43, and mother of 3 small boys. “With that game, you have to spin the wheel and whatever random lie or racial epithet pops up, that’s where you have to put your hand or feet. There are so many racist remarks, we all fell down into one giant pile almost right away. ‘Left hand…Mexicans are dirty! Ugh. Horrible game.”

FDA Bans Blue Dye No. 1 After Discovering It Causes Cancer

Posted on March 8, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

The FDA has announced blue dye No. 1 will be phased out of US markets by the end of 2018. The popular dye is used to color everything from blue M&Ms to Listerine.

The dye is a byproduct of coal, and is referred to as a “brilliant blue.” Typical of modern dyes, blue number 1 was originally derived from coal tar, although most manufacturers now make it from an oil base. The Center for Science in the Public Interest (CSPI) and other advocacy organizations have long argued that these and other artificial colorings may be linked to attention deficit disorder, and now the dye has been determined to be carcinogenic.

“We have decided that it is best to ban blue dye No. 1 from all consumer products,” said FDA spokesman Bill Hicks. “At this time, though, it is only linked to mild cancers, like finger cancer or maybe toe cancer, so it’s not going to be removed from market immediately. We are allowing ample time for manufacturers to use the dye they may have already purchased before working on new ways to dye their products.”

Man Licks Doorknobs, Toilet Seats To Build Immunity Against Germs

Posted on March 8, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

GARDNER, Indiana –

Bill Hicks can boast an immune system better than most, but the measures he has taken to obtain it are shocking. Hicks has licked everything from door handles to toilet seats in an attempt to come in contact with the most germs as possible. He has been banned from local schools, public libraries, and most shopping malls after attempting to collect used tissues from the bathrooms.

“That was real disappointing, getting banned from schools,” said Hicks. “Kids have all the germs. It was a lot easier when I could just go into a school and come in contact with all the strains of cold and flus going around at once.

Hicks says it all started out when his friend bet him that he would not lick a bathroom stall at a bar. Seeing he was willing to degrade himself, other patrons began making a game of betting Hicks he wouldn’t do disgusting things for a drink.

“Truth is I got real sick. Then I thought to myself, but now I’m immune to those germs. It became a hobby.”

Hicks claims that in the last 5 years, he hasn’t gotten the cold or flu.

“I’ll continue to get as many germs as possible just so I never get sick,” said Hicks. “So far, my method seems pretty flawless.”

Seagull Bites Off Man’s Finger After Eating Bag of Cheetos

Posted on March 8, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

PORTLAND, Maine –

Brayton Ruddick intends filing a lawsuit against the parent company of Cheetos, Frito-Lay, after losing his finger to a seagull. He was leaving a gas station when he was attacked. Ruddick had been eating a Cheetos, and his fingers were covered with the orange powder, which birds find irresistible.

The bird bit off the tip of his pointer finger and then descended upon the bag he had dropped.

Ruddick says he is very traumatized, as doctors have told him he may never play video games at the same level as before.

“I did not realize the risk I was taking by eating Cheetos. There really should be some kind of warning on the bag. There’s always birds out there circling the dumpsters. If I had known they find Cheetos as addictive as I do, I would have re-thought my snacking decision. My lawyer thinks we have a good case. I met him online in a Call of Duty match. He dominated the entire team, so I think he knows his stuff in court, too.”

Hair Stylists Stabs Man In Head With Scissors After He Refuses To Tip

Posted on February 29, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

MIAMI, Florida –

A Florida man is in critical condition after a hair stylist stabbed in him the head with a pair of scissors late yesterday afternoon.

According to police, Marvin Jones was getting his haircut at a StyleCuts location in Miami, and when he was done, he was paying via a credit card.

“Eye witnesses say that the assailant, Missy Richards, asked Jones if he would like to leave a gratuity on the card, but Jones declined,” said police chief Marvin Simmons. “At that point, Ms. Richards picked up a pair of scissors from her station, and stabbed Mr. Jones in the head or face area with them.”

“I’ve been cutting hair for years, and it still pisses me off when someone doesn’t tip,” said Richards, 29. “I mean, if you’re a grown-ass man, and you come in to my shop, or any shop that provides a service, really, and you can’t even be bothered to tip? Well fuck you, I’ve got a tip for you, then. The tip of my scissors in your damn face!”

Police have arrested Richards, and she is being charged with assault with a deadly weapon, as well as attempted murder. Doctors are unsure at this time if Jones will survive, but they say he will probably lose sight in the eye closest to where he was stabbed.