Community Celebrates Drug Addict’s Death

Posted on January 20, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

JAMAICA PLAIN, Massachusetts –

A candlelight vigil is planned for Friday to both mourn and celebrate the loss of 25-year-old Lawrence Brennan, who died of a heroin overdose last week.

Organizer John Higdon explains that while it is sad when an addict dies resulting from an addiction, it is also a relief. “It’s even worse when they continue to hurt others. Of course we want them to get better, but if there’s anything I have learned in my years as a drug counselor, most of the time there’s not much reason to hope they ever will.”

Lawrence’s Mother, Loretta Brennan, says, “I wish all addicts a peaceful passing. Of course I would never have wished for my son to die, but now that he has, it’s like a weight off all our shoulders. To me the person he was died five years ago when he got hooked on alcohol and heroin. The son I used to have would never pawn my jewelry or puke all over himself at our 4^th of July barbeque. The sweet boy who played football and helped me do the dishes – that’s the boy I am grieving for now.”

Although the family supports the celebration theme of the vigil, other members of the community say the feel it is inappropriate.

Couple Arrested For Having Sex On Front Lawn of House

Posted on January 20, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

CONCORD, New Hampshire –

Exhibitionist couple Antonio Ramirez and Juana Dias apparently could not wait to get inside to get it on. They were reported by the neighborhood watch and arrested for having sex on their front lawn, partially hidden by a snow bank.

Attorney for the couple, Christopher Wagner, says, “Because they were doing it ‘doggy style’ they actually face additional charges here in New Hampshire where it is illegal to have sex unless it is in the missionary position, and for procreation only.”

Wagner says he feels the arrest was racially motivated. Latinos are the largest growing population in New Hampshire, now accounting for 5% of the population, which is a 50% increase since 2000. According to Wagner, the influx of Hispanics in the state has been met with resistance and prejudice. “If it was a white couple, we feel Ramirez and Dias would have gotten off with a warning.”

When asked why they were making love in the freezing cold, Ramirez says it was a rush, and at the time they thought no one could see them, although he did admit that “part of the thrill” was that they might.

New Mother Nurses Abandoned Kittens With Her Own Breast Milk

Posted on January 19, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

TORONTO, Ontario, Canada –

Sharon Carswell says she recently became a surrogate mom to three abandoned kittens. “Mommy just left them there like trash in a cardboard box. So I rescued them. Kitten formula is more expensive than baby formula, and I figured breast is always best, so I tried it, and they seem to like it.”

As her nipples were too large, the kittens were unable to nurse from her breast directly, so according to Carswell, she fed them her breast milk with an eye-dropper. Because her new baby, Killian, and the kitties were nurse mates, she says they now share a unique bond.

“There’s a real bond between my baby and the cats. Seeing them playing with balls of yarn or gumming on sardines together is the most precious thing,” Carswell says, although she does admit that reactions have been mixed. “Some people are grossed out and shocked, others are in awe and proud. I am saving kittens with my breastmilk, and it’s amazing.”

Woman Knits Life-Sized Doll Of Son; Ex-Husband Says It’s ‘Too Creepy’, Sues For Custody

Posted on January 19, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

LOUSIVILLE, Kentucky –

Marieke Voorsluijs says she knitted a life-size version of her son because he is too old to cuddle with her. “I still need to smoother something with my overwhelming maternal love,” she admits, but according to her ex-husband that is not all she is doing with the doll. He is currently suing for custody of their 13 year old son. “He’s got it in his mind that I’m filthy and do dirty things with the doll. I knit it because I love him, but not because I love him. That’s just nasty.”

“My son told me they were visualizing his puberty gap or something like that. Whatever is going on, it sounds dirty. She takes the doll to bed with her. I know that much,” said Joe Goldsmith, Voorsluijs’ ex-husband. “I have no idea what has gotten into her head in the few years since we’ve been divorced. She used to be normal; I only divorced her because she was a bitch, not because she was creepy.”

Since news of Voorsluijs’ doll broke locally, many parents throughout the country have apparently contacted her in hopes of having a doll made of their own children.

“Lots of people love my crocheted child, and I know I do, too,” said Voorsluijs. “I am so glad that this is happening to me right now. People everywhere are asking about buying a doll of their child. Some are offering to pay thousands! This could be a huge business. Joe is just jealous I never made a doll of him, that’s all.”

Landlord Investigated For Allowing Tenant To Pay Rent In Sexual Favors

Posted on January 19, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

ATLANTA, Georgia –

Landlord Fred Wheeler finds himself under investigation for solicitation after bringing a former tenant to court. Re’Auna Perce claims Wheeler suggested she pay her back rent in another way. She says this is how she “paid” her rent for a few months, but later when she refused to give him oral sex “as a freebie,” he became angry and started exhibiting obsessive behavior.

“He was stalking me. He’d come in to Doc Hollandaise, [the restaurant] where I work, and ask to sit in my section. He’d take one of my tables for hours, so I couldn’t make no money from it…Knocked on my doors all hours of the day and night. Came into my apartment when I wasn’t home. My ten year old caught him going through my panty drawer. Then I said enough is enough.”

Perce says when she told him she was moving, he pleaded with her to stay, offering her a car and another month she could pay for with “one hour of work.” It was not until after Perce had moved that Wheeler brought her to court.

Perce says she was unaware that accusing Wheeler of solicitation would bring charges of prostitution upon her, but hopes to get a deal for her testimony. Wheeler has publicly declined that the sex had anything to do with back rent, and claims that it was Perce who could not keep her hands off him

Man Overdoses on Pink Himalayan Salt; Doctors Put Him On Life Support

Posted on January 19, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

DENVER, Colorado –

Himalayan salt is said to improve respiratory and vascular health, lower blood sugar in diabetics, and reverses the signs of aging. Dave Cyrus read inititally tried it because he thought it would help seasonal affective disorder and give him more energy.

Within a few months he was ingesting so much pink salt, he was diagnosed with salt poisoning. Salt poisoning signs are often subtle at first, including lethargy, irritability, and bloating. With continued ingestion they can result in seizure or coma. Dave’s wife found him unconscious in the kitchen last week, barely able to move.

Wife Jessica says her husband became obsessed. “It started with those salt lamps. They have nice ambiance. I didn’t complain. Then he discovered pink salt. He’d just rave about how healthy he was, how good it made him feel – and if nothing else, he was definitely more horny. Whenever I warned him he was taking too much salt, he’d just whip it out, and I couldn’t argue with that.”

Dave remains at Mercy hospital in a coma. Jessica says she will keep him on life support as long as it takes. “When he gets out of this coma my first words to him are going to be, ‘I told you so, you lunkhead.’ My second words, though, will probably be ‘Can you whip it out for me again, though, hun?'”

Celine Dion To Start Cancer Foundation, Wants Your Money

Posted on January 18, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

HALIFX, Nova Scotia, Canada –

Within two days of each other last month, Celine Dion’s husband and brother died in battles with cancer. Throngs of fans were gathered outside of the funeral homes during each funeral, and security guards doubled as donation collectors passing around a hat so they could show their support. Dion says the money she has collected and future donations will go towards cancer research in Canada.

Dion reportedly came up with the idea while she was performing “My Heart Will Go On” as a tribute to her brother during a drunken karaoke session after he passed. “The song made me think of Titanic, which always makes me think of the boatload of money I made from that song. It also makes me think of how all our ships are going down in the long run, and I wanted to leave a legacy behind. Something my family could be proud of.”

The Daniel Dion Foundation will be based in Celine’s hometown of Charlemagne, Quebec. Dion says she hopes fans will redirect their fan mail there, and remember to include a check or money order.

“I had the choice between paying my rent, or sending Celine Dion a check, and I went with Dion,” said superfan Jamal Francis. “I have been in love with that woman’s voice since I could remember, and this is a good cause. I know she could give her own money, but my money is just as good.”

Betty White Found Not Dead At Her California Home On 94th Birthday

Posted on January 17, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

LOS ANGELES, California –

Betty White, the beloved actress who is best known as Rose on the popular 80s sitcom The Golden Girls was found not dead in her home in California on Sunday, where she celebrated her 94th birthday with friends and family.

Although often the butt of death hoaxes and pranks but internet websites, the 94-year-old entertainer was in good spirits, and was alive and well Sunday, where she ate cake and ice cream with friends, and enjoyed a beautiful California day with her family and animals.

“Oh, it’s just a great day to be alive,” said White. “It’s my birthday, I’ve got my health and all this love from my family, friends, and pets. It’s amazing to have lived this long.”

White says that she is still “going strong” and hopes to release more TV shows, and possibly a movie or two this year.

“I’ve never done a good, gritty action movie or anything like that,” said White. “Here’s hoping I can get a role in a good rough-and-tumble flick with someone like Chris Pratt. What a hunk!”

Fans of White say that it’s absolutely incredible that she has lived so long, especially after a rash of celebrity deaths this month.

“I believe she may very well live forever,” said Golden Girls megafan Jerome Myers. “I certainly hope she does!”

Donald Trump Hides Severe Heart Condition From Public

Posted on January 16, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

The last thing a presidential candidate wants to show is weakness. Currently, Donald Trump is leading the Republican polls with 37.4%, while Ted Cruz follows at a staggeringly low 17.4%. Having a heart attack would likely not inspire voter support, and Donald Trump has reportedly been keeping his severe heart condition a secret.

The Trump campaign says voters will think he is soft and they deny he is having any sort of heart troubles.

“I’m not worried about losing financial support at all. I have plenty of money but it’s not all about the Benjamins,” said Trump. “The average republican voter wants a real American man; a little John Wayne, a little Richard Nixon.”

“I’m all that. Between the doctors I can afford and Melania keeping me on a strict diet of olive soil and sprouts, I’ll be around for a long time. The only thing that hurts my heart is when I think of good honest blue collar Americans losing their jobs to illegal immigrants…and 9/11…and those commercials about abused animals. Trump Foundation would do more for that cause, but I’m the least charitable billionaire in the world.”

According to an anonymous source, Trump’s heart condition started around the time he got his small, $2 million dollar loan from his father to start his first business. His heart, which was reportedly normal until that point, shrunk multiple sizes as he became a prize-winning ass clown.

Teen Blinded After Taking Advice From Gag Meme On Facebook

Posted on January 16, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

BRIDGTON, Maine –

Tanya Herson, 17, has reportedly blinded herself after putting jalapeño slices directly over her eyes in a misguided beauty technique. A meme she had seen on Facebook said it would get rid of puffy eyes. Although it started to burn almost immediately, she assumed that was a sign that it was working.

Her mother, Deanna, says she “heard Tanya screaming bloody murder,” but at first did not know what had happened.

“Tanya couldn’t tell me what happened. Her eyes were red and swollen. I thought it was an allergic reaction to some kind of makeup, so I had her flush out her eyes in the shower and called 911,” said Deanna.

By the time paramedics arrived, Tanya had completely lost sight in both eyes. Later she told her mother she had seen it in a meme.

“There needs to be someone monitoring the internet,” says Tasha’s mother. “We can’t continue to allow our fake news to hurt our impressionable children.” Deanna says she is looking into suing Mark Zuckerberg for her daughter’s medical bills, as well as pain and suffering. “He owns the website, and the website let someone post this horrible information. If he’s not to blame, I don’t know who is.”