Mother Accidentally Feeds Foot Skin Scrapings To Young Children

Posted on October 7, 2014 by DvanL

FAIRFIELD, New Jersey –

By now, most people have seen the commercial for the Pedi-Pod, the egg-shaped foot scraper used to remove cracked and calloused skin from dry feet. Busy working Mom Danielle Forbes, 24, wishes she had never seen or heard of the product, and for good reason.

Forbes was busy with her hectic morning routine – waking and feeding her 2 children, preparing breakfast for herself and her husband, and getting herself out the door, all before 8:30 a.m.

“My 3-year-old Danni is allergic to eggs,” said Forbes, “so I have to make her breakfast separately from Donny’s.” Donny, 5, loves eggs and asks for them every day at breakfast. “I only used powdered eggs for Donny, too, because of Danni’s allergy so I don’t have to worry. Once I found out about these powdered, ‘fake’ eggs, everyone was happy.”

Everyone was happy up until one morning last week, that is.

“I got distracted because Danni was running a fever, so I had to cancel her pre-school, scramble to find a babysitter, plus I was trying to make breakfast at the same time. Then I picked up what I thought was the powdered eggs…” The powdered egg product, which is made from all-natural products, is called Shake An Egg, and also comes packaged in an egg-shaped capsule that closely resembles the Ped Pod. “I dumped it in the frying pan with some milk and butter for Donny, all while keeping an eye on Danni.”

Danielle explained that she had used the Ped Pod the night before in the living room, and Donny, fascinated with what he thought was a toy, must have brought it into the kitchen.

“The next thing I remember,” said Danielle, “is that my phone rings at work and it’s the school nurse saying Donny was throwing up in class. So I took an early lunch hour to pick him up and drop him back at home with the babysitter, and that’s when I saw the Ped Pod next to the frying pan.”

Danielle quickly put the pieces together. “I almost threw up myself,” she said. “To think that I fed my son the dry cracked skin that came off my feet is something that will haunt me forever. My feet have been places he certainly doesn’t need to eat the remnants of.”

Will Danielle use the Ped Pod again? “Maybe, I don’t know. Every time I look at it I get nauseous. But it does work. Eventually, I guess I’ll have to,” she admitted, rubbing her ankle. “It really makes my tired feet super smooth.”

Danielle hasn’t told Donny exactly what made him sick, fearing that if she did, he would become sick all over again. “I’ll tell him someday, but it will have to be a long way off. Someday when we can all look back at this and laugh,” she said. “In the mean time, I’ll just start giving them all some Cap ‘n’ Crunch.”

Tea Party Movement Dissolved, Party Officially Suspends All Activities

Posted on September 28, 2014 by DvanL

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

In what can only be described as unprecedented and earth-shattering political news, Tea Party Leaders have announced the official dissolution of the Tea Party Movement, and the end to Tea Party-approved candidates and sponsored political endorsements.

The bombshell announcement was issued through a joint press release from Marco Rubio, U.S. Senator for Florida, and Representative Ted Cruz (R-Texas). The statement reads in part:

In recent months, growing tensions and increasing divisions within the party have led us to make the difficult but necessary decision to halt all Tea Party political activities. We just can’t keep up with all the nonsense we spew on a daily basis, and it’s gotten to the point where nobody even listens to our crap anymore. Once people stop listening, then the crap just seems that much…crappier. We have taken this action because we feel it is crucial for the future health and political success of our current and seriously divided mainstream GOP.

Over the last several years, there have been many setbacks to the Tea Party movement. Original Tea Party member Eric Cantor lost his bid for re-election in June 2014 to newcomer and college professor David Brat. Florida Representative Allen West narrowly lost his bid for reelection to political novice Patrick Murphy in November 2012. Plus, former Alaska Governor and 2008 GOP Vice-Presidential Nominee Sarah Palin also aligned herself with the movement and remains highly vocal – which might be the biggest setback of all for the party.

The Tea Party unofficially got started during a February 2009 speech from the floor of the Chicago Mercantile Exchange when CNBC commentator Rick Santelli made reference to the original Boston Tea Party revolt of 1773. Santelli proposed a Chicago ‘Tea Party’ style uprising to oppose government intrusion into the housing market. At the time, President Barack Obama’s mortgage relief bailout plan faced widespread opposition and criticism.

A faction of the new party used racially-charged symbolism and rhetoric aimed directly at Barack Obama, the nation’s first African-American President, causing further divisions and contributing to the party’s demise.

“At a time when our GOP leadership was achieving limited success in attracting a more diverse base,” explained Rubio, “unfortunate events were taking place, with no clear direction toward party cohesion. The sooner we get back to the work of repairing today’s GOP, the stronger the party and the entire nation will be.”

Current Speaker of the House John Boehner was reportedly against the move, but was overruled in what is seen as a further weakening of his political power and influence. Several members of the House were reportedly overjoyed by the decision for the group to disband. Others, though, were just concerned about whether or not they’d still be able to enjoy their Chai.

Chubby Checker Breaks Hip Performing ‘Twist’ Dance He Made Famous

Posted on September 26, 2014 by DvanL

ATLANTIC CITY, New Jersey –

“Come on baby, let’s do the twist!” was a song lyric blazing out of millions of radios after singer Chubby Checker introduced the song in 1960.

When Checker, born Ernest Evans, introduced the song on The Dick Clark Show it began a national dance craze. Clark called it “the hottest dance sensation in the last 4 years.”

Last week in Atlantic City, while demonstrating the dance he helped create, Checker, now 72, violently twisted his body while onstage, tumbling over into the orchestra pit.

“It was worse than what it looked like,” said Checker, from his hometown in Philadelphia. “I’ve done this dance literally a million times – maybe more,” he said. “It could have been something on the floor, or the way the lights were reflecting – I don’t know. I was starting to turn after doing a couple of twists and BOOM, down I went, right on top of the conductor. First time in over 50 years I’ve ever twisted myself into injury!”

Checker takes part in 30 or 40 ‘oldies’ shows a year. “I used to do more, but I think 40 is enough these days.”

The busy singer also has appeared in several touring productions of the musical Grease.

Most people mistakenly believe that Checker wrote the song, but his version was actually a cover of the 1959 Hank Ballard and the Midnighters’ R&B version.

“I don’t know what it was that made my cover go worldwide,” said Checker. “I think it was being at the right place at the right time, and plus the dance. The dance though, that was all mine.”

Checker’s version of “The Twist” has the distinction of charting twice on the Billboard charts: initially, in September 1960 where it remained for 18 weeks, then again in November 1961, where it was ranked among the top 100 for 21 weeks.

In between the Billboard listings, Checker recorded a follow-up, “The Hucklebuck” which made it to number 14. Fans of The Honeymooners remember Art Carney’s Ed Norton demonstrating the dance to Jackie Gleason’s Ralph Kramden in the Season 5 episode “Young At Heart.”

Checker plans to get back on the road after the holidays.

“Maybe this is a way for ‘The Big Man Upstairs’ to tell me to take a break,” he said. “But I’ll be back. I’ve still got a few thousand twists left!”

Looney Toons ‘Superfan’ Injured by Anvil

Posted on September 26, 2014 by DvanL

WILLIAMSBURG, Virginia –

Anyone who’s seen a Road Runner cartoon knows the anvil gag – a heavy iron block used by blacksmiths somehow makes its way into nearly every cartoon, usually winding up in the hands or landing on the head of Wile E. Coyote, the Road Runner’s nemesis.

Life was not all ‘Merrie Melodies’ recently, though, for self-proclaimed ‘Looney Tunes Superfan’ Derek Whatley, 47, when he found himself with a broken leg while visiting a blacksmith’s shop in historic Colonial Williamsburg.

“We went down ‘Olde Main Street,’” said Whatley, “and stopped by the blacksmith’s to see how tools were made way-back-when.”

The Whatley family decided to spend a day at Colonial Williamsburg at the start of a cross-country trip.

“We saw a crowd in front of one of the storefronts,” said Derek’s wife, Susan. We went up and saw a demonstration by a blacksmith. It was fascinating! I made sure the twins, Elmer and Sylvester, got up close for a good look.”

The Whatley’s twins are 13, and blame themselves for what happened next.

“The blacksmith asked if anyone would like to experience what it was like to work in a blacksmith’s shop in the old days,” explained Elmer. “My dad’s always into new adventures, so we volunteered him.”

Whatley was outfitted with goggles, gloves, and a long leather apron to cover his Wile E. Coyote sweatshirt. The blacksmith explained that he was going to help him forge a piece of metal used in part of a hand pump for a water well.

“I started to hammer out the little flat piece of metal on the anvil, and I guess I hit it wrong, or something. The next thing I knew, I was on the floor, and I couldn’t feel anything from my left knee down. My wife was screaming and the kids were crying. I guess I was in shock.”

Whatley’s leg was broken when the anvil slipped from its block and tumbled onto his leg. A bolt used to secure the anvil, apparently weakened by years of metal fatigue, had snapped.

Whatley and family ended up in a nearby emergency room to have Derek’s broken leg attended to.

“Some of the doctors were laughing – the older ones anyway. I forgot that I was wearing my Road Runner cap and my Wile E. Coyote sweatshirt. I’m a the biggest fan of all those cartoons, and when I explained what happened and what fell on my leg, one of them looks at me and tries hard to keep from laughing, but he said he just couldn’t help it.”

The family will return to Williamsburg to fill out some incident reports and insurance forms related to the accident.

“The twins said I’m going to be an urban legend now,” said Whatley. The family is temporarily housed at a nearby motel.

“This isn’t the kind of vacation we thought it would be,” said wife Susan, “but it could have been worse. At the end of the day, it is what it is,” she said. “We’re trying to look on the bright side. At least he didn’t get blown up by TNT or fall off a cliff, you know?”

Disputed Study Claims Laundry Starch Promotes Healthy Teeth and Bones

Posted on September 24, 2014 by DvanL

NIAGARA FALLS, New York –

“Smile and say ‘CHEESE!’” How many times have photographers used the familiar phrase to coax smiles out of family members, co-workers, and friends? You’d have to be a crazy person to try and guess. Well, hold on to your wits, because now the cheese stands alone. A new phrase may take its place: Smile and say ‘STARCH!’

A highly disputed study sponsored by the National Laundry Council (NRC) suggests that common laundry starch, when used as part of a balanced diet, improves bone density and promotes healthy teeth.

NRC researcher Phyllis Argo and University of Phoenix osteopath, Dr. Felix Haney announced study results.

“It started because I’m lactose intolerant and worried about osteoporosis. I realized that if starch could make my clothes and linens stiffer and harder, why not my bones?” said Argo. “If you look at pictures of my mother and grandmother – all the older females in my family – they’ve all got ‘Dowager’s Hump.”

“Dowager’s Hump” is the informal name for kyphosis, a condition in which upper vertebrae compression causes a hump at the upper back. Osteoporosis, or “porous bones” is the leading cause.

Dr. Haney provided details of his starch study. “I experimented with a variety of substances mostly based on appearance and density to calcium and enamel, and my research pointed toward common laundry starch as the most digestible alternative.”

“I can’t tolerate dairy, and I didn’t like the side effects of those bone pills I saw on TV. The commercial with the actress who broke her leg on stage frightened me. I didn’t want to hobble around with a hunchback. I was initially scared to just eat the starch, so I just bathed in it. That seemed to help, just like it helps the linens. But it wasn’t enough.”

When questioned on the validity not only for this study, but also for another of the doctor’s ‘chalk and vinegar’ regimens, he excused himself to ‘go find [the research reports].’ Moments later, his receptionist explained that the doctor was ‘swamped’ with house calls, and had left the premises.

Dr. Mehmet Oz, himself under fire for promoting fad diet pills, addressed starch therapy during a recent studio taping of his medical entertainment show, Dr. Oz.

“There’s no medicinal value to ingesting laundry starch,” he said. “Usually people have cravings for nutrients that the body needs. My advice is to get yourself checked out by your doctor and follow recommended treatment. Laundry starch is for laundry, isn’t that right ladies?” He asked his audience, receiving a standing ovation.

“Well, I’m going to keep with the regimen,” said Argo. I think I feel better since I started, and I trust my doctor,” she added. “My posture’s improved, I think.”

Subsequent calls to Dr. Haney’s office were not returned, but a voice recording on his office answering machine reminded callers to always discuss new treatments with your physician prior to beginning any regimen, especially ones where you’re going to be literally ingesting poison, such as with the laundry starch addition to your diet.

‘Memory Foam’ Inventor Diagnosed With Alzheimer’s Disease

Posted on September 21, 2014 by DvanL

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Professor Gerald Harding, NASA scientist best known as “The Grandfather of Memory Foam,” has been diagnosed with Alzheimer’s disease.

“Professor Harding is the world’s foremost authority on synthetic materials and their application,” said Gerald Harding, Jr., son of the inventor. “His NASA research in the 1970s improved the lives of many, so it is with sadness that we report to you the current condition of his health.”

The announcement was made so that focus would not be lost on the illness.

Although the foam is currently associated with furniture and mattresses, it was originally developed by Professor Harding to improve cushioning for pilots and astronauts during long-duration flights and missions, and to protect test pilots and aviators from injury.

Professor Harding began exhibiting signs of memory loss and general dementia some time ago. Gerald, Jr. spoke of his father’s illness.

“He’d go into the kitchen and forget why. We all do that occasionally, but it got worse as time went on. He’d come back into the living room, sit down and ask ‘Is this a new chair? It’s so comfortable!’”

Gerald, Jr. would explain that the professor himself invented the very foam that made the chair so pleasant.

“Sometimes he’d remember, sometimes he wouldn’t. The chair remembered him more than he remembered the chair.”

“You know,” said Gerald, Jr. “the disease has mellowed him out. He’s enjoying things now that he never had time to enjoy before”

A tribute dinner is planned.

JELL-O Deficiency Linked To Carpal Tunnel Syndrome

Posted on September 20, 2014 by DvanL

DEERFIELD, Illinois –

Workers at Kraft Foods, Inc. couldn’t be happier in these less than certain economic times. For them, the future looks bright and shiny.

Jack Pepper, production manager for Kraft Foods’ JELL-O Division said, “We just read a report from the National Council on Osteopathy, and they say gelatin helps relieve carpal tunnel syndrome! We couldn’t be happier!”

Carpal tunnel syndrome results when unnatural, repetitive pressure is placed on the median nerve located in the wrist. Symptoms include numbness, tingling, shooting pains into the hand, and compromised hand movement.

“Gelatin is a natural fleor,” said Dr. Ambrose Seelig, of Baltimore’s Johns Hopkins Medical Center. Dr. Seelig coordinated a groundbreaking gelatin study after his dog, Joy, accidentally ate an entire JELL-O mold that he and his veterinarian wife had made for a pot-luck dinner.

“Joy’s not supposed to have table scraps, but she’s a tricky one. She’s 14, and starting to show signs of slowing down – the usual things that happen with a dog of a certain age,” said the doctor. “She was having a lot of trouble with her joints; they were stiffening, and her paw actually had what in humans would be diagnosed as carpal tunnel. She scratched at the door so much with repetitive paw movements, so her mobility became compromised.”

“Then, I had an ‘Oprah Moment,’” said Seelig. “Well, that’s what my wife called it.”

Two days after Joy ate the JELL-O mold, her mobility increased and even her coat looked shinier. “I thought I was imagining things,” said the doctor, “but my wife confirmed it!”

Joy’s paw was becoming more mobile.

“We kept feeding her JELL-O,” said Dr. Seelig. “She loves it! She thinks she’s getting a treat, but she’s actually involved in good, sound medical research!”

Dr. Seelig wondered if the JELL-O treatment could produce the same result for two-legged sufferers.

Human trials were arranged at a testing facility in Maryland. An ad was placed on craigslist asking for volunteers who suffered from the syndrome.

“We had personalized bowls of JELL-O lined up, ready and waiting for the volunteers,” said Seelig. Some of them were disappointed that they weren’t receiving experimental drugs. A few severe cases couldn’t even shake hands or hold a spoon when they walked in, but after a month, their symptoms had disappeared, or were greatly reduced.”

“Our division is working ’round the clock,” said Jack Pepper, as he supervised production from the busy JELL-O floor. “We’ve even had to hire a new midnight shift! It’s great! I look out here and all I see for miles and miles are happy employees pulling levers up and down, back and forth, again and again and again; boxing gelatin, hand-mixing flavors, sealing bags, over and over and over again — 24/7! Everyone’s thrilled!”

Vegan activists are hoping for an equivalent therapy, as most gelatin products are derived from the skin, bones, hooves, and connective tissue of animals, and therefore not fit for human consumption.

“Joy’s doing great!” says Dr. Seelig. “Except for her green tongue. She likes the melon flavor now, though,” he said.

Infant’s First Word Horrifies Mommies at Play Date

Posted on September 20, 2014 by DvanL

SAN DIEGO, California –

11-month old Madison Fowler from San Diego, California, has been banned from play dates indefinitely.

“It’s all my fault,” says Diane, little Madison’s mother. “Kids pick up what they hear, and I’m the one to blame.”

When most mothers would be celebrating their baby’s first word, Diane, 24, can only hang her head in shame, while cupping her hand over Madison’s mouth. “’Sh––stain.’ She’s calling everybody ‘sh––stain. I use that word an awful lot when I’m changing her – her diapers I mean,” said Diane. “Well, I used to say it, until the day before yesterday.”

Up until 2 days ago, Diane and Madison were invited to more play dates than they could keep up with. But all that changed when Madison looked up into the eyes of last Monday’s ‘host mommy’ Jean, reached out to grab her finger, and said ‘s––stain.’

“I was so embarrassed,” said Diane. Everyone stopped what they were doing and Madison kept saying that word over and over and over again — ‘s––stain, s––stain, s––stain’ — I couldn’t get her to stop. They kicked me out and said I was banned from coming to any more play dates because of Maddie’s potty-mouth.”

“We can’t afford to have a bad influence here,” said Monday’s ‘host mommy’ Jean. One child says something, then the next thing you know, all the kids are saying something and we just can’t have that. I’m trying to raise Christian children here. We all are!” she added.

Meanwhile, back in Diane’s apartment, typical objects are scattered throughout — a playpen, toys, baby stroller, bottles, formula, and — to put it delicately — poo stains from little Madison decorating several dozen spots around her playpen and changing table.

“I feed her organic baby food that I make myself,” explained Diane. I don’t like artificial things in food, pesticides and things like that. She’s kind of – what’s the word I’m looking for? ‘Explosive’ I guess is the word. Food comes out of her like target practice. If it’s a choice between no play dates and Maddie’s health, I’m choosing her health! Any mother would.”

There’s little to no chance of reinstatement back to play date group for Diane and Madison.

“They tore up my agreement. They’re very strict. One new mother was banned because her 6 month old drooled too much. All the other mothers cross the street when they see me now. I guess you get to really know who your friends are,” said Diane, her eyes brimming with tears.

“It’s not fair,” she cried. “She’s just a baby and it’s all my fault and it was her very first word and I can’t tell anyone and -” Diane was interrupted by Madison as she threw her toy cellphone on the floor and said “s––stain.”

The young mother buried her head in her hands and wept.

Professional Chef And Cannibalism Expert Denied Restaurant Permit

Posted on September 16, 2014 by DvanL

BROOKLYN, New York –

Charles Freihoffer loves food. He also happens to hold a degree in psychology, and is an authority on people who practice, or claim to practice, cannibalism. “I’ve been called on to offer expert testimony on cases where some pretty grisly crimes have taken place. It’s a very specific disorder and the work takes its toll, so my stress relief for all that is cooking.”

“I wanted to open a dungeon-themed restaurant called Ground Chuck,” Freihoffer explained, with a wry smile. “I decided to ‘go dungeon’ because the space I found was a basement space. So I went and applied for the permits, but I got turned down.”

“Charlie should be able to open a restaurant,” says his mother, Danielle. “I’m not just saying that because he’s my son and I’m his mother, I’m saying it because he’s good at what he does. This is supposed to be the land of free enterprise and that type of thing, last time I checked!”

“I had menu ideas going and everything,” said Freihoffer. “I wanted it to be fun, so I put together some traditional stuff, but with my sense of humor in it because a lot of my friends know what kind of job I do. So I came up with some fun stuff: ribs, leg of lamb, pork shoulder, elbow macaroni, kidney beans, artichoke hearts, things like that, real ‘groaners.’ I think it’s a great idea and fun for the neighborhood, but I guess no one has a sense of humor anymore.”

Susan Metzger, Administrator for the New York City Food & Beverage Commission, was able to give some advice to Freihoffer after his permit was denied. “I told him that even in a so-called ‘edgy’ city like New York, with all the restaurants and trends and themes and whatnot, unless you’re a Disney or a Planet Hollywood or a Guy Fieri, it’s gonna be an uphill battle. Honestly, some of the ideas he had, they came off a little too, um…creative and scary.”

“Believe it or not, the big guys are afraid of the little guys,” she continued. “The reality is, New York is becoming more conservative. Even from where I sit, I can see that. I told him how to appeal and to apply again. I wish him luck. He seems like a nice guy. It sounds like a fun idea.”

“This isn’t the same place I grew up in,” said Freihoffer. “The edge is gone. All the fun is being squashed out by the big-wigs and the corporations so little guys like me get screwed. I don’t know any famous people like Rachel Ray or folks like that, but I mean how am I supposed to get my start? It’s bad enough that opening a restaurant in the NYC means that at any time they could ban a random food item, like they tried to do with large sodas. The city is crazy.”

Freihoffer remains optimistic and appreciates the help and support he receives from his friends and family.

“Well, now it’s just wait-and-see. Here I thought the hardest part was going to be finding the right place to open up,” said Friehoffer. “That was the easiest part! Now it’s all this red tape. Hey, I’m going to keep trying, so stay tuned!” he said, giving the ‘thumbs-up’ gesture.

New Public Poll Shows People Hate Public Polls

Posted on September 15, 2014 by DvanL

PITTSBURGH, PA –

The National Public Research Center published the results of a recent poll pertaining to people’s perception of public polls. The upshot: 84 percent of the public hates public polls.

Chief Pollmistress Ann P. Davis provided details.

“When we poll the population on the popularity of public polls, we purposely employ precisely one pair of pollsters,” she explained. “100 people are phone polled,” explained Davis. “We ask if they’d like to participate. If the answer is ‘YES,’ the response is placed in the ‘YES’ pile. If the answer is ‘NO,’ it’s placed in the ‘NO’ pile. If you get sworn at, hung up on, or threatened, that’s an automatic ‘NO’ so the results usually are procured in no time flat!”

The findings were published in the polltaker periodical Popular Pollster, the primary publication for polling professionals.

Before you say to yourself ‘I’d rather poke out my eye than do phone polling,’ – listen to how Davis makes the task fun and challenging for her staff.

“We have a little competition every month. If you get 50 out of 50 “NOs,” then you win round 1. As a bonus, if your score comes from only hangups with no verbal interaction or threats, then we induct you into our Pollster Palace of Pride and we treat you lunch!”

The perky pollster does, however, miss what she calls the ‘good poll days.’ “That’s a play on words,” she explained. “By the way, 49 percent of people hate when other people use a play on words around them.”

“Years ago,” she proceeded, “pollsters physically participated with the public – pen, pencil, pad; but with people’s faster pace, pedestrians no longer pause long enough to provide answers.”

According to Davis, person-to-person polling did have a downside, though.

“We used to get punched a lot,” she said. “Literally, people would take a poke at a polltaker, no matter how polite we purported to be,” said Davis, pointing to a pill-shaped scar above her left eyebrow. “I got this from an elderly gentleman who thought I said ‘poll tax.’ I ate pavement that day, but, it’s all a part of the pollster game. 24 percent of people polled have been victims of public assaults.”

“But I wouldn’t trade it for the world,” she added, glancing around the office. “Every day’s a party!”

“I DID IT!,” shouted senior poll taker Steve McNamara! I got a 50! BOOYAH! FREE LUNCH! WOO HOO!” he exclaimed.

“Looks like Steve wins again!” said Davis. “He’s won 57 per cent of our contests!”

An exclusive interview with Ann P. Davis will appear in the October issue of Popular Pollster.