Vandals Set Fire To Famous ‘Home Alone’ House

Posted on November 26, 2014 by DvanL

WINNETKA, Illinois –

Last week, movie fans held their faces in their hands and screamed – just like young Macaulay Culkin did in the 1990 film Home Alone – when news broke that the northern Illinois Georgian mansion used for many of the film’s scenes was heavily damaged in a fire authorities are calling ‘suspicious.’

Sold in 2012 for nearly $1.6 million dollars, the house has its share of “drive by fans” – movie lovers who stop by to take a picture, just to say they were there. “One of those fans, we think,” said fire chief Bill Carrey, “got carried away and wanted to leave his mark. There was evidence left behind that suggested the fire was deliberately set.”

Nevertheless, conspiracy theories are popping up across the internet. SuperTriviaFanTed suggested in a blog post that actor Joe Pesci, irritated that he could not use his usual foul-mouthed vocabulary in the family oriented film, used his so-called “connections to the mob” to exact his revenge by torching the house. The Chicago Tribune has received anonymous emails saying that because Macaulay Culkin mimicked Edvard Munch’s painting “The Scream,” the restless spirit of the distressed Norwegian artist set the house ablaze. The most popular theory, though, is that Daniel Stern, the actor who played Marv, one of the ‘Wet Bandits’ alongside Joe Pesci, got bored and set the fire himself. Stern hasn’t been relevant in films in over a decade, and the fire could have been his way of making a name for himself once more.

Several other famous ‘movie set’ houses have fallen victim to sudden “fame” once more. The famous Amityville Horror house was besieged with visitors after an article appearing in Good Housekeeping magazine renewed interest in the property. Even after changes in the landscape and modifications to doors and windows were made, crowds still flocked to the house, causing problems for the new homeowners and their neighbors.

“Yes, I’ve heard the theories and funny jokes,” said Carrey, “but we’re going to go with arson. We detected traces of kerosene on the premises. We’ve gotten all sorts of prank calls from people who ask ‘Was the little boy home alone during the fire? Was he hurt? Did he set the house on fire?’ Things like that. I guess it’s all fun and games, but it takes up a lot of the department’s time. We deal in facts and this is a crime scene, not a reality show.”

Carrey is confident that the perpetrators will be identified and apprehended soon. “Everybody’s got security cameras now. These dumb vandals don’t stop and think everything they do, someone’s got them on camera. Also, there are only a few gas stations nearby that sell kerosene, so we’ll have this wrapped up soon.”

Winnetka police are reviewing neighbors’ security camera data and expect to release images of persons of interest to local media by the end of the week.

Bill Cosby On Ferguson Riots: ‘Anything To Get The News Media Off My Ass’

Posted on November 25, 2014 by Bob The Empire News Potato

HOLLYWOOD, California –

Comedian Bill Cosby has been the butt of many jokes and the talk of the media lately, as allegations of rape and sexual assault have sprung up from several women, including former model Janice Dickinson and Law & Order: SVU actress Michel Hurd.

Despite these horrendous stories overtaking his entire life and ruining a career most people assumed ended in 1992, Cosby has been relatively quiet about the allegations, only speaking once to deny any wrong-doing, and otherwise deflecting comments to his lawyers and agents.

Cosby had a new, planned series put on indefinite hiatus by NBC, a Netflix stand-up special cancelled, and even TV Land stopped showing old episodes of The Cosby Show – because obviously you aren’t allowed to be entertained by him anymore now that you know he’s an (alleged) rapist.

Because he’s prominent and black, Cosby was asked this morning about the horrors of the Ferguson, Missouri riots that are happening in the wake of the Michael Brown shooting verdict.

“Whatever keeps the news media off my ass is fine by me,” said Cosby. “My ass is old and tired, and doesn’t need this kind of abuse. Them Ferguson folks can loot, pillage, plunder, riot, murder – whatever they gotta do to make themselves happy. The longer it goes, the less people will be thinking about me. Instead of a 12-hour exposé on whether or not I raped a bunch of women, CNN can do one on race relations in Missouri. Now please – just let me enjoy my pudding pops in peace.”

If you’re feeling a bout of extreme pity or you have an unbreakable nostalgic urge for sweaters, you can catch Cosby on his national stand-up tour happening now through May, 2015.

Ferguson Company Selling ‘Riot & Looting Kits’ In Wake Of Michael Brown Ruling

Posted on November 25, 2014 by Abe Abrams

FERGUSON, Missouri –

Never let it be said that capitalism doesn’t find a way. A newly formed company, Riot Right, started by a Ferguson businessman after the Michael Brown shooting, is now selling pre-prepared riot and looting kits for the people of Ferguson, Missouri.

“First, let me say that Riot Right is all about quality,” said Willie Willis, owner. “It’s tough all over the world, not just in Ferguson – riots and looting can break out anytime and anywhere, and people need to be prepared. Our basic riot kit has safety in mind, first and foremost. Each one comes with goggles to protect your eyes from pepper spray, gloves and chest protectors for defense against rubber bullets. We feel if you’re going to riot and loot, do it right.”

Willis said that although he doesn’t condone rioting, he does feel that if there is going to be all this flagrant opportunism with looting, he should join in on it – at least from a business perspective.

“People will use any excuse they can to riot and burn and loot the stores of our community. With that in mind, our deluxe kit comes with all the safety equipment as the basic kit, plus offense items, such as crowbars for breaking car windows and store fronts. Don’t be that fool using a rock – that’s ghetto. There are also bottles for making molotov cocktails, although sorry, gas not included. They also come with Kevlar vests, ’cause when the rubber bullets don’t work, you don’t want to be the dead fool out there getting hit with real bullets. Our kits guarantee that you will be able to cause the most trouble and grab the most loot, because if you can’t see or breathe, how you gonna carry a flat screen T.V. outta the store?”

“We were hoping that ‘cooler heads’ would prevail, and the justice system would do its job, but that doesn’t seem to be the case,” said Mike Murray of the Missouri State Police. “So that said, we’ll be working diligently to keep the people safe by arming ourselves to the teeth with every automatic weapon we can get our hands on.”

“The police will work to keep only half the people safe, but I’m thinking about the other half,” said Willis. “Remember to pick up your riot and looting kits at my mobile office – just look for the ’77 Riviera that’s usually parked on 15th street in front of Denny’s.”

Missouri Governor Announces ‘Police-Free Zone’ In Ferguson

Posted on November 25, 2014 by Abe Abrams

JEFFERSON CITY, Missouri –

Missouri Governor Jay Nixon announced today in a prepared statement the creation of a Police-Free zone within the city limits of Ferguson. The zones will be in neighborhoods with high a African-American population, and if successful could be a model for other cities such as Chicago and New York.

“It has become clear that the police are not welcome in certain areas of Ferguson. If a police car cannot be driven down a street without rocks being thrown at it or shots taken, it is clear that a police presence is not welcomed,” said Gov. Jay Nixon. “I cannot guarantee our officers safety in highly populated African-American neighborhoods, so if they don’t want us there, that’s what I’ll give them. I will no longer put police in danger, no 911 calls will be answered and no crimes investigated in these newly formed ‘Police Free Zones/’ They can loot and riot all they want in their own neighborhoods as long as the stay out of the good areas.”

“I applaud the Governor’s decision,” said Police Chief Thomas Jackson. “With the Brown ruling coming back and violence beginning already, we needed this ruling and we got it. Starting tomorrow there we will be corded-off areas of Ferguson with checkpoints leading in and out of the police free zones. Anyone wishing to enter may at their own risk, people trying to leave a police free zone will be searched and questioned. This move will not only make it safer for officers to do their jobs, but save taxpayers money because 98% of lawsuits against the police come from these black neighborhoods. We are hoping that this will help their community find the utopia they’re looking for – a place with no laws and authority, and no white cops to be harassed by.”

“I wont have to worry ’bout no police shooting my babies now, just because they wear hoodies and like to steal a little bit,” said Shanda Charles, a resident of Ferguson. “You see, for the first time in my life, I wont feel like a criminal just because I’m black. I don’t have a record, and don’t wanna be treated like I do. I’m sure the gangs will do a better job at keeping us safe that the police ever could, and that’s a price I’m willing to pay for. At least they won’t harass me for ‘driving while black’ while they checkin’ out my boobs.”

Doctors Diagnosing Millions Of Children With New Illness – Is Your Child At Risk?

Posted on November 25, 2014 by DvanL

CALDWELL, New Jersey –

Elmo, Big Bird, Bert and Ernie – all staples of PBS kids’ programming. Wholesome entertainment for children, and safe enough so parents don’t have to worry. But what if children can’t pry themselves away?

Doctors have a name for it: PBSD – Public Broadcasting Service Disorder. If your child can’t stop watching PBS Kids programming without exhibiting signs of depression or anxiety, or throwing a non-stop temper tantrum, then he or she may suffer from PBSD.

PBSD was the problem faced by Monica Hall, mother of 7-year-old Peter. “I had just gotten him weaned off ‘Hooked on Phonics,’ and now this. He can’t stop watching PBS Kids shows,” said the frustrated divorcée. “I guess it’s better that than watching those horrible Kardashians or the violence programs, though. Still, I can only take so much Peppa Pig and Sesame Street.”

Monica noticed Peter’s PBSD symptoms during a recent trip into New York City. “We went to see the Radio City Christmas Show,” said Monica. “We walked up from Times Square and Peter spotted one of those life-sized Elmos on one corner and ran up to him. This Elmo was kind of stinky and dirty and his fur was all matted but Peter was happy. When we went to leave, that’s when the trouble started.”

Peter had a tantrum that wouldn’t stop. “It lasted all the way up to Radio City. All the way there people stared at me like I was a bad mother. We got into the lobby and he still wouldn’t quit. I decided to turn around and go back home. It was a horrible day.”

Doctors quickly diagnosed Peter as suffering from PBSD. “Luckily,” said Monica, “the doctor’s office had big wall paintings with all the characters he loves, so we got through the doctor visit all right. That was a lucky break and I cried tears of joy when we walked in and Oscar The Grouch was behind the reception desk.”

Peter’s school called Monica, because his attendance had plummeted. She explained the diagnosis and they sent out a social worker who told Monica as long as Peter was watching PBS, he was receiving the same amount of education – and better quality – than the school was providing.

“Last week we had a storm and the power went out,” said Monica. “That was bad for a couple of hours, but it came back on and things got back to normal, praise Grover.”

Doctors say most kids outgrow PBSD by the time they reach the age of 9. “Things could be worse,” said Monica, but I guess there’s a bright side to all this. He gets to learn, I don’t have to worry about the bullying that goes on in the schools these days, and I can get all my housework and errands done!”

Convenience Store Bottles Water From Toilet, Small Town In Uproar

Posted on November 25, 2014 by DvanL

CRAWFORD, Texas –

“Don’t drink the water” is clichéd advice given to tourists traveling to certain foreign countries, where health standards aren’t up to par with those found in the United States. This time though, Texas locals had to heed those wise words as news spread that the “Li’l Roundup” convenience store, located in Crawford, was selling bottled water sourced from – believe it or not – a toilet in the back of the store.

“Technically, it was the toilet tank, not the bowl,” said store proprietor Herb Walker, recently released on bond. “When you say toilet, people automatically think of the toilet bowl, and that’s just gross. The water in the tank is fresh, so I didn’t see a real problem with filling the bottles from there, except I guess I was using Quicky Glue to re-seal the bottles, and that’s kind of toxic.”

Crawford PD officer Harlan Jeffords made the discovery by accident, when driving around town with his six-year-old son Becker. “Beck had to go to the bathroom, you know like kids always do, so we pulled up to the ‘Roundup’ and Beck comes out of there with his pockets stuffed with water bottle caps. I asked him where he got them and he said ‘they’re in the bathroom.’”

Jeffords took a look and found a cardboard box with hundreds of bottle caps. When he asked the store owner what they were doing in the bathroom, the facts came spilling out.

“He looked kind of embarrassed, like a little kid when you catch one doing something bad,” said Jeffords, “but finally we got the truth out of him. There were about two hundred small used water bottles in another box along with the Quicky Glue, and finally we put the pieces together.”

Officer Jeffords initially thought the water was coming from the bathroom sink, but Walker revealed the actual source when describing the operation. “The bottles wouldn’t fit in that tiny sink,” said Walker. “I tried. It was easier to dunk the bottles in the tank, and ‘bubble them up full,’ and then I’d seal the bottles back up. It’s bad enough folks think I’m a crook, now they think I run an unsanitary operation and that I’m some kind of pig.”

Walker faces a stiff fine, and possible jail time on health department violations. A court appearance is scheduled for Dec. 1 at the Crawford County Courthouse.

Discount Meat Giveaway Seemed Fishy To Police, Multiple Arrests Made

Posted on November 25, 2014 by DvanL

NEWARK, New Jersey –

When Felicia Sommers heard about the big discount meat giveaway taking place beside the community garden she tends, she wasted no time in calling all of her friends. “Have you seen the price of meat these days? It’s outrageous!” said the 32-year old mother of four. “I called as many people as I could to get over here, and get over here quick.”

One of the people Sommers called was the wife of Newark police detective Alan Hynes. “I knew something was up when my wife told me about it,” said Det. Hynes. “I changed into plain clothes and took a walk over.”

Sure enough, a few shady characters operating out of the back of a truck and dealing in cash-only transactions were running the show. “Labels were torn off the plastic so you couldn’t find out where the meat came from, but we knew it was stolen from somewhere,” said Hynes. “There were also a number of lookouts pacing up and down, these guys were real amateurs.”

“The meat looked very lean,” said Sommers, “leaner than any meat I have ever seen before. I was about to ask the guys a question when all hell broke loose and we found out the truth.”

“It’s horsemeat!” cried one astute discount meat shopper! “I know horses, my dad’s a butcher and my mom’s a vet, and this shit is horse meat!”

Panic ensued. Customers screamed. Many retched out in the open air. The purveyors of purloined pony plasm quickly grabbed their packages and threw them back in the truck, snatching some of the equine flesh from the hands of many disappointed consumers.

“I didn’t care if it came from a horse or whatever,” said single mother Winnie Foster. “I have mouths to feed. We eat pigs and sheep and birds and cows, don’t we? What’s the big deal about eating a damn horse? It’s not like it’s monkey meat or anything gross like that! Now I gotta go home and make some more damn spaghetti, and I promised my family they were going to have meat tonight. My kids are sick of spaghetti – and so am I!”

The perpetrators were arrested and charged with selling stolen property, but were not charged with selling horse meat. “It’s technically not illegal to sell horse meat in the United States. The government cleared it years ago – it’s just kind of frowned upon,” said Hynes. “So we couldn’t get them on that, though I’d have liked to. I’ve done mounted police duty before, and so the thought of eating one, well it kind of makes me sick to my stomach to tell you the truth.”

“I guess I’ve learned my lesson,” said Sommers. “If it sounds too good to be true, it probably is.”

New Poll Shows 64% Of Men Enjoy Watching Ugly Chicks Getting Punched In The Face

Posted on November 24, 2014 by IamShado2

LAS VEGAS, Nevada –

A new online poll has shown that at least 64% of men enjoy watching ugly chicks getting punched in the face repeatedly.

The poll is confirmed by the recent upward trend in popularity of women’s mixed martial arts within organizations such as the UFC and Strikeforce.

Research has shown that the uglier the woman, the more men want to see her get punched in the face. Fighters such as Gina Corano score big ratings when they get their faces punched in, but when you pit her with an even uglier Cris Cyborg, the rating go through the roof, as was seen during their 2009 match-up.

But the question is, why do men love seeing ugly chicks getting punched so much?

Dr. Joseph Goldsmith, a Sports Psychologist at John F. Kennedy University, says that he may have an answer.

“Come on, Seriously? Who WOULDN’T want to see an ugly chick get punched?” said Dr. Goldsmith. “I mean, you don’t have to be a psychologist to figure that out. Men love violence and they also hate looking at ugly things. When you go out to Taco Bell and there’s a fat chick stuffing her face with chalupas, don’t you want to punch her in her chubby little pig face? I know I do.”

Water To Be Banned In Washington Public Schools After Board Finds It ‘Unhealthy’

Posted on November 24, 2014 by JP

SEATTLE, Washington –

A new food regulation passed by the Washington State School Board is set to start after the holiday vacation.

Beginning in January, all water and ‘water-related products’ will be banned from public schools. The decision was made as a safety measure with board leaders claiming water is too unhealthy to have in any school.

“With childhood obesity, food allergies, and other concerns with what our schools feed children, you would have to think water would be the last thing that would be banned,” said school board member Joan Myles. “But we don’t have the money to test the local water system, and fear an unclean water source can lead to health issues that could make our children sick or shut down the school.”

“We have decided to cut out the middle man and save a few dollars, while making sure the risk of water won’t plague the future of our schools,” said school board president Richard Head. “Programs in schools are getting cut left and right, and now this is just another thing that will become a past memory when thinking about your schools, like music education or pizza day.”

Parents have argued that students should be able to drink water brought from home while in class, as many local residents have private wells on their property, but school board has said that will be a no-go either, as they are claiming it as a possible ‘choking hazard.’

“Lunches that will be provided at the school will also have to be made without water,” said Head. “The portions will also be cut down so children can properly swallow their food without choking. Don’t think of this is a negative change, just think of it as something that could save your child’s life. They won’t need water, because we have Coca-Cola machines that are being installed in the cafeteria and in several hallways throughout the school.”

Homeless Man Finds $200,000 In NYC Trash Can

Posted on November 24, 2014 by JP

MANHATTAN, New York –

Perhaps one of the luckiest and most honest people on the planet, Berry Holden recently went from living on the streets of New York, to living on the streets of New York with a giant bag of cash.

Holden said that he had been homeless on the streets of New York City for over 20 years, until one lucky Sunday while he was in the park. As Holden was sleeping on a bench, he noticed a man pass by and throw away almost an entire sandwich into a nearby trash bin.

“I was starving, and needed something in my stomach. I just woke up as the man passed by, and it was perfect timing, because it was a roast beef sub, and I love roast beef,” said Holden. “When I went over to the trash can so I could dig out the sandwich, I had trouble finding it, so had to dig deep in the can to grab it. When I was digging I noticed a very large, heavy bag and lifted it out. When I opened it I couldn’t believe my eyes!”

Holden said that once he found the money, he forgot all about the sandwich – at least the discarded one.

“I went and bought myself lunch, a new outfit, and got myself a haircut. After doing all of those things, I went back to the park and tried to find the right full owner of the money,” said Holden. “I enjoy being homeless – that’s why I did it. It wasn’t drugs or booze or the stock market that made me homeless. I see normal people constantly pissed off and angry, and I remember being pissed off and angry when I worked all day. Now I have no commitments.”I would have left the cash there, but I was starving, and my clothes and hair were getting kind of gross. I’m still looking or the rightful owner. I’ve counted the money 4 times now, and it is about $200,000.”

Holden claims he will return the money to the rightful owner if he runs into them. In the meantime, he is still remaining on the streets and doesn’t plan to spend any more of the cash.