TV Meteorologist Murdered After Reporting Weather Incorrectly

Posted on October 29, 2014 by JP

HUNTSVILLE, Alabama –

A weather man who worked for the WAVY-TV station in Huntsville, Alabama, was found dead in his home this past Tuesday afternoon. Craig Poland, 47, worked for the local Virginia news station for over 10 years, but spent most of his career behind the camera.

“He did more behind the camera work than he did as a weather man,” said Bill Hytes, the owner of the station. “Great guy, really nice and personable. We can’t believe that this has happened to him. He was a major part of our weather team, and a beloved member of our news staff.”

The strange tragedy behind Poland’s murder was a note found on the scene of the crime that pointed to Poland’s incorrect on-air weather reporting being the cause of death.

Poland was called asked to report the weather live for one day last week when a fellow co-worker called in sick. During the broadcasting, Poland stated that the weather for last weekend would be bright and sunny. Sadly, the prediction was not correct, and it now appears that a local viewer took the information badly.

“People take their weather very seriously around here,” said Officer Tim Brown. “When I arrived on the scene and saw the body, I knew immediately who he was. I remember seeing him on the air too and, to be honest, I was a little ticked at him because I planned to go fishing after he said we’d have a nice, sunny weekend and I hit nothing but rain. I mean, I didn’t kill him or anything, that’s not what I’m saying. All I’m saying is that I can relate to someone’s anger – it’s not the first time someone’s plans have been ruined by a TV weatherman not knowing his stuff. Probably the first time anyone has been killed because of it, though.”

Police are remaining quiet on the exact details of the crime, but reporters have learned that the note left at the scene said ‘that will teach you to screw up my weekend, you old weather f—–.’ Police say they have no leads at this time.

Quack Doctor Arrested in ‘Urine Therapy’ Scam

Posted on October 28, 2014 by DvanL

NEW YORK, New York –

In 1988, Dr. Peter Hobart rented a commercial space on the Upper East Side of Manhattan, and transformed it into a drug testing facility.

“His place was always packed,” said local deli worker Luke Jacobs. “Everybody called him Doctor P. He had a million clients, people were pouring in and out of the place like crazy.”

What Jacobs and the rest of the city didn’t know was that the doctor wasn’t a doctor at all – he’s a longtime con-man who apparently has a rather strange fetish.

Hobart asked several clients to take part in a bogus “urine/oxygen” study he was conducting. Volunteers were required to produce and submit urine samples, some as frequently as 3 times a week. After many months, when no study appeared, several of his clients began to suspect the water in the well was bad.

One patient took part in the fake doc’s so-called ‘Trevi Fountain’ project. “He wanted to find out if a person would go to the bathroom more if a song or a movie that had to do with rain, or the ocean was playing in the background, that kind of thing” said Patient X. “He said it was psychological, and I’d be in a medical journal. One day when I was about to give my sample, Dr. P. brought in a tv, and played that famous movie with the blonde lady who runs through the water fountain in Italy – La Dolce Vita – that’s the name of it. Anyway, so I had to do ‘number one’ during the water fountain scene, and Dr. P. took notes. He accidentally dropped his clipboard and I just happened to glance down at it; the page was just full of doodles of penises – some had smiling faces, some were erect, and most of them were peeing. I pretended I didn’t notice, but I felt all sick inside. As soon as I left I called the police. I didn’t even use my real name when I called, I was so embarrassed.”

Dr. P. was arrested last month and charged with falsifying medical records, misrepresentation, medical quackery, and Medicare fraud. A hidden camera was also discovered in a room used by clients to produce samples.

Officials estimate it will take three to four months to retrace the financial trail Hobart left in his wake. “We’ll never be able to locate all the paperwork,” said one accountant from the DA’s office, “and people are too embarrassed to give information. Can’t blame them, I guess. I’d be so pissed off if something like that happened to me.”

Hobart faces up to 20 years in prison if convicted. His lawyer entered a plea for a reduced sentence if Doctor P. helps locate the missing financial records. Sentencing will take place before the end of the year.

Man Dies Attempting to Stab Straw Into Capri Sun Juice Pouch

Posted on October 28, 2014 by JP

LAREDO, Texas –

Strange news out of Laredo, Texas this morning after the body of 26-year-old Cole York was discovered by neighbors in his apartment building late Monday evening. Police reports say that Cole was killed when he attempted to open a Capri Sun pouch and accidentally stabbed himself in the brachial artery, a major artery located in the upper arm, with the straw.

Police are calling the incident a ‘freak accident,’ and say that it’s the first time they’ve ever seen such carnage from an injury sustained via straw.

“I’ve never seen anything like this, such a small straw, I don’t know how it did so much damage to this poor guy,” said officer Tyler Reed. “I was the first one on the scene, we had a 911 call from his apartment, and when no one answered the door I kicked it in. I went to the kitchen and it looked like a horror movie. The blood had spewed through the straw and was all over the kitchen. The walls were covered.”

Rudolf Wild Ltd., the makers of Capri Sun, have yet to comment on the death or about the safety of their product, but a company spokesperson did say that there was no planned recall of their juice pouches. Police and health officials are asking people to stab their Capri Sun pouch with caution, if they absolutely have no other means to get their intake of juice.

“It is defiantly bizarre. My kids drink Capri Sun, and it had never occurred to me that I needed to be concerned about juice-related injuries,” said Reed. “They’ve always made it kind of tricky to get the straw in the little dot, but it never crossed my mind that it could be deadly. Now I’ve seen everything.”

Parents Of Mentally Disabled Teen Plan Lawsuit Against ‘Transformers’ Director Michael Bay

Posted on October 28, 2014 by Chip

PHOENIX, Arizona –

Jeremy and Linda Watson are preparing a lawsuit against director Michael Bay for the pain and suffering they are currently experiencing due to their 14-year-old son Nate’s behavior after he watched the latest Transformers film. Jeremy and Linda say that Nate has a mental handicap, and doesn’t understand that the movie is pretend.

Linda Watson has said that the issue stems around Nate having a hard time differentiating between what is real and what is fictional.

The parents say they typically ensure Nate doesn’t have access to fictional and ‘fantastical’ material of any sort, however they had rented Transformers from Redbox for themselves, and accidentally left in the family’s blu-ray player after watching it last Saturday night. The next morning, Nate woke up and noticed the Redbox case sitting on the player and started watching the movie without alerting his parents.

The Watson’s realized Nate had watched the movie when they found him in a panicked state, throwing all of his Hot Wheels toys out the family’s living room. Nate told his parents that he can’t have them anymore because he doesn’t want them to transform.

In addition to being terrified of his once favorite toys, he refuses to get in the family’s minivan in fear that it will transform. The Watson’s have said that attempting to get Nate in the car is an excruciating task. Linda said “It’s an incredibly miserable experience, he cries, kicks, screams, and uses vulgar language. Not only is his behavior jarring, but it’s embarrassing for us as all of the neighbors stop to stare at the scene Nate is creating.”

As of today, the Watson’s have not been able to find an attorney willing to take on the case. In a recent interview with a local newspaper, Jeremy Watson was quoted saying “Michael Bay has more money than God after making all these big-budget, Hollywood crapfest films he’s known for, and he deserves to pay. It’s his responsibility to make sure that people with disabilities don’t see his films, and it’s his responsibility to make sure that he isn’t creating films that will harm children or young adults.”

Redbox looked into credit card transactions, and has indicated that they have no record of the Watsons ever renting the Transformers movie. Michael Bay could not be reached for comment.

Senate Seeks To Pass Law Requiring Castration For All Sex Offenders

Posted on October 27, 2014 by DvanL

WASHINGTON, DC –

Iowa State Senator Joni Ernst is sponsoring a bill aimed at society’s most heinous criminals – sex offenders. Ernst gained notoriety after her US Senate campaign commercial about animal castration went viral. The attention-getting ad contained the line: “I grew up castrating hogs on an Iowa farm. So when I get to Washington, I’ll know how to cut pork.”

“I was ridiculed from a lot of people after that and had to disappear for a while,” said Ernst. “But then I thought long and hard about what matters to me. I kept hearing this voice in my head, and it said ‘go with what you know … go with what you know.’”

Ernst introduced a House Resolution that would require castration of all male sex offenders beginning in 2015. “The system we have going now isn’t working well at all,” she said. “In the criminal justice system, sexually based offenses are considered especially heinous. We need stricter laws to protect society.”

Sex offenders are required to list themselves in a state’s sex offender registry. When they relocate, they are required to notify neighbors of their sex offender status. Often, drugs that suppress sex drive are used as a part of a ‘chemical’ castration treatment.

“I’m aware of chemical castration,” said the state senator, “but people often go off their meds. The current system also results in neighborhood unrest, and the offender eventually moves from location to location which is dangerous. Eventually, some of them slip through the cracks, and re-offend. The resolution I’m sponsoring will put an end to all of that.”

“That’s just nuts,” said human rights advocate Paul Zubra. “We say we live in a civilized society, but this is the most uncivilized society can get, not counting the death penalty. I can understand incarceration and monitoring, even living in a sort of halfway house setting because at least there’s therapy involved there. Sex offenders are the worst of society. But, to castrate…Oh man – the penis? It just leaves a bad taste in my mouth.”

“My method is permanent,” said Sen. Ernst. “One medically supervised procedure and snip-snap, it’s done. We’re not talking about some primitive act with sharp stones or hot pokers and steak knives – we’re talking about scalpels and doctors and nurses and hospitals. It would be great to just let the victimized party hack at the genitals of their attacker with a meat cleaver, but that isn’t what this bill is about.”

Whether or not the resolution passes, Sen. Ernst knows that she will forever be associated with neutering. “That doesn’t bother me,” she said. “Sometimes you just gotta grab life by the balls, and then cut those balls clean off. The important thing here is I’m doing what I know is right. It’s all about getting to the root of the problem, and nipping it in the bud.”

The bill comes up for a vote before the Senate’s Thanksgiving recess.

Family Pediatrician In Hot Water After Diagnosing 7-Year-Old With ‘A Case of the Gays’

Posted on October 27, 2014 by Chip

BOSTON, Massachusetts –

Carl and Debbie Houser have spoken out publicly against their family pediatrician Dr. Walter Wentworth for diagnosing their 7-year-old son Randall with “a case of the gays.” The story first gained media attention when Janice Henderson, a local reporter for Boston’s affiliate FOX station stumbled across an online blog created by Debbie Houser entitled Mommy Knows The Truth.

Houser says it all started at the beginning of October, when their son Randall arrived home from school with a fever of 102. “He was really lethargic and hot to the touch,” said Houser. “We immediately took him to our family doctor to have him checked out. We have been taking Randall to Dr. Wentworth since he was born; he was actually my husband’s pediatrician as well. He has been taking care of our family for ages.”

Dr. Wentworth seemed disinterested in treating the boys fever and told Debbie and Carl that there is no reason for them to panic, and that it was probably just associated with a stomach bug that has been going around.

According to Debbie, “[Wentworth] was so dismissive about poor Randall’s fever, then he got real serious, and said ‘you may want to brace yourself for the news I’m about to deliver.’” Debbie says she and Carl were terrified to hear what the doctor was going to say next.

Dr. Wentworth told the concerned parents that he had been tracking young Randall’s behavior for many years, and feels confident that Randall has what he referred to as “a case of the gays.”

He explained that Randall exhibits many effeminate behaviors that are quite worrisome and cannot be ignored. Dr. Wentworth told the Housers that Randall has developed a lisp that he didn’t have 2 years ago, often wears pink and purple clothing, and typically plays with the girl’s toys in the pediatrician’s waiting room.

Though Carl and Debbie tell the media that they were outraged by the offensive and confusing diagnosis, several of Dr. Wentworth’s nurses have told the media they overheard Carl Houser privately pleading with Dr. Wentworth to “please fix his son.”

The Housers say they are planning a lawsuit against their former doctor, although they haven’t said what, precisely, they are suing for or why.

“Our lawyer thinks we can sue him just for his offensive diagnosis, and the emotional distress it’s caused us…I mean Randall,” said Debbie. “Dr. Wentworth needs to realize that our son is not gay. I mean, even if he was, we would love him just the same, but he’s only 7 years old. He’s definitely not gay. He just isn’t. That’s the beginning and the end of if. There are no gay people in my family at all. Period.”

Dr. Wentworth says he isn’t worried about a lawsuit. “The kid’s as queer as a three dollar bill. What are they going to sue me over? Telling them the truth?”

Milwaukee Parents Arrested For Giving Newborn Baby Racist Name

Posted on October 26, 2014 by DvanL

MILWAUKEE, Wisconsin –

Justin and Jan Bunnie, parents of a newborn baby boy were arrested shortly after returning home with their bundle of joy. Why would parents of a newborn be taken into custody at this most important time in their lives? Police Chief Arthur McManus said, “We didn’t ‘arrest’ them exactly; we ‘pre-arrested” them. Like detaining. We were following court orders. The judge said they set the kid up for abuse in the future, so we had to take them in.”

Justin and Jan were first brought to the attention of the courts by doctors and nurses at the hospital where their baby was born. According to court records, the judge decided that they had given their newborn a name which, when coupled with their last name, forms a racial slur for African-Americans. The editors of Empire News respect the intelligence and sensitivity of our readers, and in the interest of privacy and respect to the newborn, will refer to the baby simply by his first initial, ‘J.’

The couple was arrested for what Superior Court Judge Sylvia Hargrave called “future potential abuse from society at large due to irresponsible parenting and judgement leading to lifelong emotional damage.”

In an interview From the Milwaukee Secure Detention Facility, Justin Bunnie said, “We didn’t mean nothing racial. We wanted our kid to be someone special and get noticed in the world to succeed in life. Even if what the judge said is true, then my baby would have to defend himself and be strong. You got to be strong to survive in this tough world, so this would make him stronger.”

“I wanted him to be a like a celebrity,” said Baby J—’s mother, Jan. “Like sometimes famous people will have unique names that get attention and all the internet stories, like the Kardashians and Honey Boo Boo. Everybody knows their names and they are rich and happy. That’s what we want for our little J—. It’s not fair to put us in jail.

The couple’s public defender, John Offmore spoke about the case. “We’re petitioning to have them released on probation in exchange for a change of baby name. It is unfortunate that a child would go through life being called “J— Bunnie. I’ve told my clients that although it is their choice, it was misguided, and they seem to have taken it seriously.”

Justin Bunnie reluctantly went along with his legal counsel’s idea. “Well, it’s for the good of the baby,” he said. “And we also got to think about our older son, Francis.” Francis goes by the nickname ‘Fuzzy.’ “No one had a problem with that name.”

The couple should be released within the week. An alternate name has not yet been chosen, although Jan Bunnie was provided with a baby name book, courtesy of the State of Wisconsin. “I’m kind of leaning towards ‘Harry,’ but I have to check with my husband first,” she said.

KFC Employee Kicks Child With Down Syndrome Out Of Restaurant, Says He Thought It Was Policy

Posted on October 25, 2014 by Chip

OAKSHARE, North Carolina –

This past Tuesday, Darnell Washington, a KFC employee in Oakshare, North Carolina forced Kaleb Brimmley, an 8-year-old boy suffering from Down Syndrome to leave the Oakshare KFC without finishing his food.

Darnell claims that he thought it was within the employee handbook to kick out any patrons that are disfigured or have any sort of affliction that could cause other restaurant goers distraction.

Darnell told the media: “I remember seeing something all over the internet a couple of months ago about a little disfigured girl getting kicked out of KFC, and assumed it was protocol. It’s not like I wanted to kick that boy out, it was awkward and I had to build up the courage to do it because I am a company man and wanted to demonstrate my ability to do the right thing.”

The incident Darnell references in which a disfigured girl was asked to leave a KFC due to her deformities being a distraction to other patrons has since been uncovered as a hoax.

It has been confirmed by his management team that Darnell did not solicit advice or direction from his supervisor before acting. “No, I never bothered to ask them. I wanted to step up and prove to my manager, Dave, that I have what it takes to be the next shift lead!”

Patrons dining at the popular chain restaurant that night claim that Kaleb was politely eating his chicken with what appeared to be his mother and grandmother, and was not doing anything to cause a scene. One patron told the media “The boy was not doing anything to distract the other guests; I mean it was obvious there was something different about him, you could tell, of course. I don’t think anyone even complained about it. Why would they? He was just eating his chicken, but I’m pretty sure that is what they want you to do there.”

“KFC loves all their patrons, and it is definitely not in our company policy to ask any patron to leave because of physical or mental deformity,” said Harland Sanders, CEO of KFC. “We have never done that. The young girl who made national news after supposedly being asked to leave has since been debunked as a hoax that went viral. I guess in the end, the lesson we should teach our employees is that you shouldn’t believe everything you read on the internet.”

It is unclear if this incident will result in Darnell’s employment at KFC to be terminated. It was reported that soon after the story broke and first received media attention, KFC’s Facebook profile was briefly changed to the “feeling annoyed” emoticon, however it hasn’t been confirmed that the status update was an acknowledgment of the incident.

NHL: Anaheim Ducks Court Emilio Estevez As New Head Coach

Posted on October 24, 2014 by skullman

ANAHEIM, California –

In an announcement this morning from the Anaheim Ducks’ general manager Bob Murray, the team has decided to part ways with current head coach Bruce Boudreau, and is seeking to replace him with a curious choice – actor Emilio Estevez.

The Anaheim Ducks started as a franchise in 1993, then known as the Anaheim Mighty Ducks, after being founded by the Walt Disney corporation. Disney, who later sold the team, based their club around their 1993 children’s hockey film The Mighty Ducks. In the film, Estevez plays a drunken lawyer who is (curiously) forced to perform community service as a pee-wee hockey coach after being arrested for DUI. Like most Disney sports movies, the rag-tag group of kids all eventually come together to win The Big Game in the end. Estevez, of course, learns the value of sportsmanship, and the credits roll.

Apparently Estevez acting as a hockey coach makes him the perfect candidate to coach the real Ducks now.

“Over 20 years ago, Emilio Estevez showed the world that he could be an amazing hockey coach when he played Gordon Bombay in The Mighty Ducks series. He turned a bunch of misfit kids into a team, and that team went on to beat their rivals and win the championship. Then he did it again the following year when the movie version of the Ducks took on teams from all over the world,” Said Anaheim owner Henry Samueli. ”We want Mr. Estevez to come on board as the coach of our real Ducks now, and take them all the way to a Stanley Cup championship.”

Estevez, who is a lifelong hockey fan, has no real experience coaching a team, professional or otherwise. In response to the offer, Estevez did say he would ‘consider the job.’

“I have never coached in my life,” Said Estevez in a statement released to the Associated Press. “I played a coach a few times. I’ve played a lot of things, from cops to criminals, to coaches, to a buns-taping jock in the Breakfast Club. As far as I recall, this is the first time anyone has ever offered me a job based on a role I once played. I would be a fool not to consider it.”

As part of the change, the Ducks are also going to be altering their name, reverting back to The Mighty Ducks, which they are now saying should never have been changed in the first place.

“We miss the name, we miss the ‘mighty.’ We definitely miss winning games. It’s been a few years now, so we’d like to have that happen again,” Said Ryan Getziaf, current team captain. “If Emilo Estevez wants to give up his long-forgotten Hollywood career to come and coach us, then that’s fantastic. I’ve always wanted to learn the triple-deke.”

Fans of the Anaheim Ducks had no comment, because no member of the press could find anyone admitting to caring about the team.

Teenage Boy Dressed as Bigfoot Shot by Texas Hunter, Clings To Life In Hospital

Posted on October 24, 2014 by DvanL

RALEN, Texas –

A tragic story today out of Texas. Avid hunter Henry Hill accidentally shot his 14-year-old neighbor, Joey Gribble, who was testing out his Bigfoot costume he’d created for Halloween.

“Joey is a perfectionist,” said his mother Nancy, while holding vigil at her son’s bedside. “He spent weeks and weeks on that costume. His favorite movie is Harry and the Hendersons, and he watches it at least three times a day. He wanted to go as John Lithgow for Halloween last year, but he couldn’t get the costume exactly right, so I suggested that he just go as Harry himself, the Bigfoot; Now I regret making that suggestion.”

The fascination with Bigfoot, the elusive ape-like creature, has spawned much debate. Largely discounted by the scientific community, its existence is kept alive by folklore and sporadic, if not verifiable, eyewitness sightings. Also known as Sasquatch, the beast continues to provoke interest, most recently evidenced by a television special, Killing Bigfoot, set to debut on the TLC cable network.

“I don’t know anything about those guys who are out to ‘find’ Bigfoot,” said Hill. “My neighbors know that this was a terrible accident. We’re all devastated. I mean secretly, at first I was really excited when he went down, because I thought I had really shot Bigfoot, and I was going to be rich! I don’t know why Joey needed to test the costume out while running through the woods grunting, but that was just the kind of boy he was. Joey is like a son to me, and I’ll tell you what, I’m hurting as much as his family is.”

Family physician Dr. Scarlett Maizie said: “Joey was critically injured in a shooting accident while dressed in a Bigfoot Halloween costume, and what I can tell you now is that he is receiving the best care possible, and we are excited to see that his condition is slightly improving as the hours go by – but he’s not out of the woods yet. Well, literally he’s out of the woods, you know, but metaphorically we don’t know 100% if he’ll make it. His Bigfoot costume is certainly ruined, though. Unless, of course, he wants to go as ‘Zombie Bigfoot’ next Halloween.”

“Everyone knows everyone here,” said Joseph’s father Dale. “It really bugs me that some people think we’re just a bunch of gun-toting, conspiracy-believing crazies, when that’s not the case. Although in retrospect, I wish that Joey had just been into Spider-Man movies or something.”

Dale also added that a number of strangers have offered messages of support. The town’s nearest city, McManorburgh, which for decades has held a fierce football rivalry with Ralen, dedicated its last football game to the family, and the team’s coach delivered a halftime message of support, urging fans to keep the family in their thoughts and prayers.

“Yup,” said neighbor Mike Judge. “That’s what we do here, we stick together. Like glue we do, we stick together like glue.”