Netflix Files For Bankruptcy, Claims They Can’t Compete With Piracy ‘Industry’

Posted on August 18, 2014 by Bob The Empire News Potato

LOS GATOS, California –

The company that almost single-handily took down Blockbuster and every Mom & Pop video store in the country is now on its way out the door as well. Netflix has announced that they have filed for chapter 11 bankruptcy, and will be shutting down most of their services by the end of the year. Having already mostly abandoned their original model of DVDs-By-Mail, the company says the amount of illegal downloads from peer-to-peer file sharing sites has put the final nail in the coffin for the once-powerhouse movie provider.

“When we started, this system was gold, but now people can get their content anywhere,” said Carl Kazaa, CEO of Netflix. “With the leak of The Expendables 3 a few weeks ago cutting massively into the profits of the film’s box office take, we realized that customers don’t care about 99% of the films we have streaming at all. They want new films, movies that aren’t even released to theatres yet. They can’t wait anymore. They just can’t wait. A subscriber will drop us the second they discover they can get a movie free from the bowels of the internet. Especially if it’s a film we don’t have available.”

The Expendables 3, the PG-13 action film starring Sylvester Stallone and Jason Statham, had a near-DVD quality copy of the movie leak to the internet almost a full month before the film hit theatres. The film has performed poorly at the box office in comparison to its previous films, and many studio insiders blame the leak, and illegal downloads and streams, for the poor ticket sales.

“We were charging such a low amount of money for our service, but spending hundreds of millions of dollars to get these old movies. I love films like Commando, The Stupids, and The Shaggy Dog, but people weren’t watching them,” said Netflix CFO Paul Bay. “We spent $40 million dollars to get the rights to stream all the Indiana Jones films, but people aren’t even watching those movies – and they’re classics! We should have just been a TV-streaming service. That’s where we make our money.”

Netflix had a small influx in subscribers after shows like House of Cards and Orange is the New Black caught people’s attention. The lower-budget, in-house productions made money for Netflix, because they weren’t having to buy the rights at a marked-up price from other companies.

“Sadly, even House of Cards is one of the most illegally downloaded shows on the internet right now,” said Kazaa. “If you search for ‘House of Cards+Torrent’ on Google, you get almost 3 million results. It’s sad that people would rather steal our content than just pay the $9.99 a month, but apparently that’s how it goes.”

The company plans to re-sell the streaming rights they have purchased to their films, with most contracts running out sometime in 2016, to other companies that offer similar services, including Hulu and Amazon.

“We are extremely excited to snag all of Netflix’s mediocre film and awesome TV content at a discounted rate,” said Tom Rent, marketing director at Amazon. “Piracy and illegal downloads haven’t hit us too hard, but again, we’re not a one-trick pony. We have all this media streaming, but we’re also the biggest online retailer on the planet, so we’re not hard-up for subscribers or anything.”

“With websites like ThePirateBay ‘releasing’ movies days, weeks, and occasionally months before they are available anywhere else, we just couldn’t keep competing,” said Kazaa. “It’s a sad truth. People want their content yesterday, and they can’t keep waiting for it. The binge-watching that we’ve created with shows has put people into a frenzy of ‘need it now,’ and they’ve proven that what they need isn’t necessarily something they want to pay for.”

Tennessee Man Creates First Marijuana Infused Moonshine

Posted on August 18, 2014 by mattwardcomedy

CHATTANOOGA, Tennessee –

A Tennessee man, who claims to be the illegitimate son of moonshine legend Popcorn Sutton, has supposedly taken his fathers recipe to new ‘highs.’ Tim Coffey, 42, of Chattanooga says he has the original moonshine recipe that Sutton created passed down to him by his mother, Tina Davis. Davis, who lives in Brentwood, claims it was given to her when she had a summer affair with Marvin Sutton in East Tennessee in the 1972. Her claim is that she was then on vacation with her family in Gatlinburg when she met Sutton.

“We smoked a doobie that one of Popcorn’s friends had given him and he gave me a sip of some of his shine,” Davis claims she never pursued Sutton for paternity because she didn’t want to hurt his family’s way of life.

Last year Coffey got in a legal dispute with J&M Concepts LLC, the company partnered with Hank Williams Jr., over the legal rights to claim his moonshine was Sutton’s recipe. Coffey decided to get around this by making it a tribute brand and infusing it with marijuana.

“I wanted this blend to bring back fond memories for my mama,” Coffey said. Coffey has had trouble bringing the product to market, as it is still not legal to possess or distribute marijuana in the state of Tennessee. He says efforts to bring the moonshine to more ‘weed friendly’ states has also been met with great opposition. “In Colorado, they have their booze laws all messed up. They won’t let me add pot to the shine because they say it violates their state laws.”

Currently Coffey is looking for legal representation and investors and is considering a Kickstarter project to bring his product to market. “I have been ‘giving’ some away at various rock concerts I have been going to. I recently went to see a concert by the band Phish and ‘donated’ nearly 1000 free samples to folks waiting in the parking lot before the show. They loved it!” Coffee said. The moonshine has yet to find a name, but Coffey seems to be leaning towards calling it ‘Tina’s Tincture,’ after his mother and the technical name when the THC and cannabinoids have been leached out into alcohol.

Tennessee officials have warned Coffey that they are tracking him, and that his illegal ‘taste-tests’ will be something they look for. Tim claims he is doing nothing wrong. “This is pain-killer for regular folks that don’t want to get all messed up on pills. You can drink some of my shine and you might get to feelin’ real good, but you are definitely going to be too chill to rob a pharmacy for pills, ya know?”

Attempts to reach J&M Concepts for comment were not returned. Sutton’s brand of ‘white whiskey,’ marketed by J&M Concepts, recently landed them in court defending themselves against Jack Daniels for the similarities in the two companies labeling and bottling. “I wouldn’t do something stupid like that with mine,” Tim Coffey stated. “My brand is in a small jar so you could hide it easily, and the liquid itself is green. I’m also considering putting a big pot leaf on the front label. No reason to be subtle, as far as I’m concerned.”

Waitress Arrested After Throwing Plate, Hitting Toddler In The Face

Posted on August 17, 2014 by Angela Baker

PAWTUCKET, Rhode Island –

An unnamed 20-month-old was rushed to the hospital after taking a flying dinner plate to the face at a Rhode Island Applebee’s restaurant. According to witnesses, while busing a table, server Caitlin Jones, 22, was having a loud, heated argument with another server, she flung out her hand, throwing a plate down the aisle of customers. The dirty dish struck a young toddler, who was sitting in a booster seat at the end of a table, in the side of the face.

“It was horrible. I saw the plate come flying out of her hand like a Frisbee. It hit that poor baby, and there was this awful pause before she starting wailing,” said Shaniqua Jones, a patron who was seated in the next booth. “Poor little child, blood was running down her face and getting into her macaroni and cheese. The waitress looked horrified. She started crying and apologizing right away. I don’t think she meant to hit that baby, but it was her fault completely. The force she threw that plate with was like an Olympic discus champion. It was insane.”

Police were called, and Jones was arrested for criminal negligence and assault. She was released on $4,000 bail later that day. Jones insists it was ‘an accident,’ and that she didn’t mean to hurt anyone.

“It just slipped out of my hand, honest,” said Jones. “I didn’t chuck the plate at the baby. I was just mad at Denise because she has been talking s— about me behind my back at work, and we were arguing, and I just got so upset I whipped the plate, not even thinking.”

This isn’t the first time toddlers have been endangered at Applebee’s. In 2011, a mislabeled container caused a mix-up that led to a toddler being served alcohol instead of apple juice.

“Except for delicious family dining, no incidents have occurred at any Applebee’s establishment since the unfortunate booze/bottle mishap. At that time, we took additional measures to ensure the safety of our guests. Sadly, this type of horrible accident, regarding the baby being struck with a plate, is not something we could foresee,” said Johnathan Applebee, founder of Applebee’s restaurants. “We have started production on a training video, though, to educate our servers about the risks of negligent plate-throwing, and the dangers it can present. Unless guests want us to switch to paper plates, I think that’s the best can we do right now.”

The parents of the toddler say they do not blame, nor have any plans to sue the restaurant chain itself, but are possibly seeking damages from Jones for hospital bills for their baby. Regardless of pending civil action, they say they do plan to make sure that Jones is held responsible for her actions.

“That girl, she needs some serious help. Who throws a plate, honestly?” said the mother of the young child, who wishes to remain anonymous pending the possible civil action against Jones. “She’s very, very lucky that my daughter is going to be okay. She’s also very, very lucky I didn’t knock her out right there in the restaurant.”

“I am horribly sorry for what happened, and it isn’t the restaurant’s fault at all,” said Jones. “I know it was me. I maybe, sorta was drinking a lot the night before, and I was just in a bad mood. Frankly, life as a waitress is a living hell, you know? Trying to pretend to be happy all day when you’re serving microwaved steak that tastes a little too much like ass sweat? Ugh, it’s a real chore being me, you don’t even know.”

Applebee’s restaurants deny all culpability for the incident, and immediately fired Jones. The chain still hopes to “See You Tomorrow.”

Michael Jackson Hologram Selected To Perform During Super Bowl XLIX Halftime Show

Posted on August 17, 2014 by Raoul Stockton

GLENDALE, Arizona –

After multiple conflicting reports suggesting that either Katy Perry or Carrie Underwood would be selected as the Super Bowl XLIX halftime performer, it came as quite a shock this morning as it was announced that the halftime performer is not a living person, but a hologram. The Arizona Super Bowl Host Committee decided to spice things up a bit and use the modern technology of today by selecting a holographic image of none other than the King of Pop, Michael Jackson. The hologram of Jackson will be the star of the show, which will take place on February 1st at University of Phoenix Stadium in Glendale, Arizona, home of the NFL’s Arizona Cardinals.

Holography is a modern-day technique that allows three-dimensional images to be projected by way of laser, interference, diffraction, light intensity, and virtual illumination. The final product is an image that seems to magically turn a picture into a living thing, in this case, Michael Jackson. Last May a hologram of Jackson was used at the 2014 Billboard Music Awards in Las Vegas, Nevada. The hologram and choreography took producers nearly a year of planning and technical work. The Super Bowl Host Committee conjured up the idea, and made it a priority to successfully follow through with, along with the assisting Billboard Music Award production team they plan (and guarantee) to do just that.

According to Arizona Super Bowl Host Committee chairman David Rousseau it was a cutting edge advancement in technology and entertainment that he believes needs to be embraced, offering NFL fans a halftime experience they would likely never forget.

“It was brought up in a meeting, seemingly as a joke by one of our staffers. In fact, it was such a ridiculous notion, that I ended up firing him for even mentioning it. Later that night, though, I went back and watched the Michael Jackson performance from the Billboard Music Awards, and I was amazed. It sent cold chills up my spine,” he said. “I even thought of calling up [the staffer] who suggested it and apologizing for laughing at his idea, but there really wasn’t time. The next morning we began to discuss it as if it were now a realistic idea to have a deceased legend perform. We got in touch with the team who designed the hologram for Billboard, and they were glad to do help.”

Several internet rumors have been spread over the last couple of weeks saying Katy Perry would grace the Super Bowl halftime stage this year, then rumors claiming it would actually be Carrie Underwood, who already has ties with the NFL from performing the Sunday Night Football intro and theme music, which is also broadcast by NBC.

“All nonsense, the rumors. We get that every year,” said Rousseau. “I even heard one about a mega-concert with people like Eminem and Roger Daltry and Marilyn Manson. I have no idea where these stories originate, but they’re always good for a laugh.”

Rousseau told the Associated Press that this would be the biggest halftime show production in history, and that it will put his committee on the map as one of the most successful planning committees in special event history.

“When this thing is over, the first question people will ask is when the Super Bowl is coming back to Arizona. I’m going to pull a Joe Namath and guarantee that right now, so mark it down,” said Rousseau. “There will be various acts which I cannot reveal at this time, to perform with Holo-Jackson, whom in their own right could handle the job themselves, putting the whole thing over the top with a massive bang, and then a grand-finale that I believe will be known in the future as the most exciting moment in live television history. What we have in store for the great football fans of America will have them gloating with American pride for weeks. Of course it will be a good game, but like most Super Bowls the game will be secondary to the halftime show and the commercials. You thought Janet’s t— were a big deal? Just wait!”

The 2015 Pro Bowl will also be played in Glendale one week before the Super Bowl on January 25th as an experiment by NFL commissioner Roger Goodell after being suggested the idea by Arizona Cardinals President Michael Bidwell. It is the first time since 1980 the Pro Bowl will not be played in Hawaii.

Man Loses Head of Penis In Fishing Accident [Disturbing Image Warning]

Posted on August 17, 2014 by Angela Baker

KOKADJO, Maine –

A Massachusetts man may have some reservations about the Maine state slogan ‘Vacationland.’ Thomas Ruhle of Taunton, Massachusetts, had to prematurely end his week-long trip to a lake in Maine after getting caught in a bloody mess – a freak fishing accident caused Ruhle to rip off the head of his penis.

According to Ruhle, he and his girlfriend, Miranda Tate, were fishing when her line became entangled in weeds and branches, and after whining and tugging, she was unsuccessful in freeing it.

“She threw her pole down in a huff, demanding to leave, and in an attempt to salvage the evening, I went in after the hook. I now wish I had thought to reel in my own line,” said Ruhle. “After stripping down to my boxer shorts, I waded over to where the line was tangled. I didn’t notice that my line had drifted closer, and my hook was resting on the crotch of my shorts.”

Getting frustrated with the tangle, Ruhle pulled on the wrong line and felt the hook stab into the head of his penis.

“I honestly thought something bit me, like a snapping turtle or something, and I sorta yanked the line out of reflex, and it dragged the barbs deeper in,” said Ruhle. “[It] wasn’t until I reached down that I knew what happened.” After screaming and pleading with his girlfriend, who thought he was overreacting, she reluctantly entered the water to bring him his knife, and he was able to cut himself free.

Kokadjo is a small village past Moosehead Lake in northern Maine, centered around a general store that was closed for the evening. Without cell service the couple was unable to call for help. Carl Rogers, a gas station attendant in Greenville, Maine, was shocked when the couple sped into his parking lot.

“Apparently, in a panic, this guy’s girlfriend sped towards town, and by the time they reached my station, the dude had gone into shock,” said Rogers. “I saw their new Prius when they pulled in, and man, I never seen so much blood in my life. It had soaked right into the passenger seat. We called 911, and they air-lifted him to Bangor right outta the parking lot here.”

Doctor Mark Gerard, a surgeon at Bangor Medical Center, said he had never seen anything so violent happen to a man who was fishing.

“His efforts to free himself did more harm than good, and he will require plastic surgery to regain full functionality of his penis. How much we can do to restore a normal shape will really depend on what type of insurance he has,” said Dr. Gerard. “In the mean time, we’ve warned him not to think of anything sexual that might ‘excite’ him in any way.”

Jerry Miller, a member of the Greenville, Maine fire and rescue team who responded said, “I cringe thinking of it. It was mangled and swollen like something had chewed it. First time with a fishin’ pole, I recon.”

“I’ve fished before. I’m from Taunton, not the Bronx,” said Ruhle. “With Miranda squawking, I just can’t think straight sometimes, ya’ know. She’d been bitchin’ since we left home.”

Tate, who Ruhle says is now his ex-girlfriend, explains it all a little differently. “We had such a hard time tying the hook on in the first place, and he was too stubborn to cut the damn line. Wouldn’t listen at all. If he had been paying attention to me, we wouldn’t have gone to the middle of nowhere on vacation. F— Maine. ‘The Way Life Should Be‘ my achin’ ass.”

‘Road Rager’ Dislocates Middle Finger, Files Lawsuit Against Woman Who Cut Him Off

Posted on August 17, 2014 by DvanL

AVON, Massachusetts –

Massachusetts fitness trainer Ed “Brick” Malone is at the center of possibly the most unique court case in the state’s recent history.

Last Friday, during a Norfolk County traffic court hearing, Malone admitted, “I friggin’ lost it. I’m driving home from the gym, this jerk almost sideswipes me, so then I flip him off like everybody else would. So then all of a sudden my middle finger gets stuck – I can’t get my finger back down. Now I’m the bad guy? I don’t think so, son.”

“The injury to the patient’s finger is stress related,” said Dr. Bruno Arujo, of Good Samaritan Medical Center, located in nearby Brockton. “Once we corrected the dislocation issue, I found that there was no actual physical damage; however, the surrounding muscles and tendons around Mr. Malone’s middle finger had seized up.”

The condition is categorized as ‘Repetitive Stress Malady.’ “We can’t force Mr. Malone’s finger back to its natural resting position until the muscles ‘decide’ to relax on their own,” Dr. Arujo told the court. “Based on how many times he told me he’s flipped off drivers in the past, I’m surprised this hasn’t happened before.”

The target of Malone’s anger, 30-year-old Sondra Houlk testified, “First of all, I’m not a guy. I don’t have the typical ‘girly-girl’ look, but no big deal, because the main thing is I didn’t cut anybody off, and I didn’t sideswipe anybody like he said. I signaled, and I looked over, and I thought he waved me through, but I guess he was really giving me the finger, and that’s what happened.”

“I need to use my entire hand to do my fitness trainings,” said Malone. “I can’t go around town looking like I’m telling everyone to go f— off. Oh – sorry for my bad language, your honor,” said Malone,” accidentally offering the judge the ‘one finger salute.’

Malone is suing for loss of income and defamation of character. “The doctor said he couldn’t help me because of my muscle, so there goes my clients! Somebody should pay and it should be that guy who cut me off,” he said. When reminded by the court that Houlk was female, Malone replied, “I don’t think so, son.”

Malone’s public defender, Susan McCarthy, later spoke to reporters gathered outside the courtroom. “Mr. Malone is the victim here. He was provoked and he reacted in what admittedly was not the best way at the time, but almost every single American driver on the road has flipped someone the bird when ‘road rage’ sets in. Mr. Malone did legitimately fear for his life and for his safety. The traumatic result is that he cannot return to full enjoyment of his life and his profession. I’m confident that we will prevail.”

“I just want my finger to go back down to normal,” said Malone. “I don’t like this at all ‘cause now I walk around town looking like I’m flipping everybody off. I don’t think so son,” he added. “Sometimes I forget about it, like yesterday when I went out to get the paper. I wave to my neighbor, and she tells me to go to hell, and then she slams the door.”

A civil hearing is scheduled to begin next month.

UFC Fighter Punches Himself In The Face, Gets Knocked Out During Bout

Posted on August 16, 2014 by JP

BANGOR, Maine –

A UFC fighter has set a new record for being the only person ever to knock himself out during a fight. The event took place Friday, August 15, 2014 during a preliminary fight in Bangor, Maine. This was fighter Ryan Crystler’s debut in the UFC, and although coming in as a favorite from the independent circuit, left a rather embarrassing first impression for a lot of people who witnessed the event live.

Crystler appeared that he had the fight won during the first round, throwing punch after punch to his opponent, and landing some real heavy blows. Things unfortunately took a turn for Crystler during round two, when a punch he threw bounced of his competitor’s face, and he ended up slamming himself in the chin, ending the bout.

When Crystler woke up from being knocked out, he still attempted to fight. The referee had to make it clear that the fight was over because of the knockout. Crystler’s opponent, Frankie Saenz, looked just as shocked as he did when the fight was called.

“I was taking some punches to the face, and then the fight was just over. I didn’t realize he hit himself, so at first I thought they were calling the fight because I was getting slammed on,” said Saenz. “I couldn’t believe that I won until I saw him laying there, his lip all busted open. He was out for the count. I honestly had to stifle a laugh.”

Due to the craziness of this fight, Dana White and a committee with the UFC are under discussion to how to call the bout. While technically being a knockout, they don’t want to reward Saenz with the KO because he wasn’t the one who performed the punch. They are also unsure whether to mark it as a knockout for Crystler, or whether to count it as a loss.

Actress Betty White, 92, Diagnosed With Hookworms

Posted on August 15, 2014 by DvanL

BURBANK, California –

Comedic legend Betty White, currently starring in the TVLand sitcom Hot in Cleveland, received a diagnosis of hookworm infection after complaining of discomfort during a recent taping of the show.

“I had some stomach pains and was running a fever,” said White, during a break from rehearsal. The actress portrays Elke Ostrovsky, owner of a house shared by 40-something best friends Melanie (Valerie Bertinelli), Joy (Jane Leeves) and Victoria (Wendie Malick). “I’m usually healthy as a hog,” White added.

The diagnosis caught White by surprise. “I turned to my doctor and said ‘You’ve got to be pulling my leg. Are you sure you’re not a vet?’ My dogs get hookworm. Now this is just what I need — how much do you want to bet my co-stars start referring to me as ‘that old bitch?’” joked the tart-tongued White.

“You can’t get hookworm from petting your dog,” said Dr. Morris Fine of Harvard Medical School in Cambridge, MA. “Miss White probably came in contact with soil or grass that contained hookworm larvae or eggs,” he added. “That shows she cleans up after her pets. I’m not surprised, I know she’s an animal lover.”

White’s television career began in the 1950s after success as a radio singer and actress. One of television’s first female producers, White’s first show, Life With Elizabeth, aired from 1952-1955. Frequent guest appearances on variety and game shows established White’s decades-long popularity. Her role as man-chaser and ‘Happy Homemaker’ Sue Ann Nivens on The Mary Tyler Moore Show earned the actress two Emmy nominations and one win. In the 80’s and early 90s, she played lovable dullard Rose Nylund on the hit TV series The Golden Girls, which garnered her several more Emmy nominations and wins.

Not surprisingly, White was back at work after one day’s rest.

“She’s healthier than all of us put together,” said co-star Wendie Malick. “She’s a work-horse of a woman. I really admire her.”

Treatment for hookworm disease generally involves a round of medication lasting one to three days. Iron supplements are often prescribed, as anemia sometimes occurs as a result of the condition.

“I’m just glad that it wasn’t something worse,” remarked White. “Can you imagine if it had been fleas, instead?!”

Dunkin’ Donuts To Debut New Fashion Line; Free Pants With Donut Purchase

Posted on August 15, 2014 by iamjoshjohnson

CANTON, Massachusetts –

The beloved treat that ‘America Runs On’ is going to be sharing face time with a new product. On Friday, Dunkin Donuts announced they will be starting a new fashion department, to debut with a pair of ‘revolutionary’ pants. The new pants will be given away with every dozen donuts purchased starting next week.

According to Dunkin’ Donuts, the pants are incredibly unique in that they are not only comfortable, but they expand with the owner. Using old NASA technology the pants will stretch without tearing or fraying. The slogan for the pants, “We Dare You To Grow Out Of ‘Em” was thought up by the chief marketing officer Paul Reynish. The CEO of Dunkin brands and Chairman, Nigel Travis, also chimed in saying, “It only felt right after we had so many customers complain about gaining weight on our delicious pastries. We had a lot of complaints about product going straight to customers hips, well here’s a new product that’s supposed to.”

The pants have been put through rigorous tests for strength, elasticity, and customer comfort. One of the tests was for waist elasticity, where the pants were loaded with trash bags full of donut holes until they could not hold anymore. This test was to show that it is not possible for the owner of the pants to outgrow them, no matter their weight or unusual shape.

“Another test was for customer comfort. Several randomly selected Dunkin’ Donuts frequent costumers were given the pants and asked to walk a mile. Although none of those chosen could finish the mile, the one setback of the pants was discovered,” said Travis. “Due to the material, and the closeness of the customer’s thighs, a few small crotch fires broke out from friction. No one was hurt, and this unfortunate inconvenience has been worked out. A second drawback of the pants is that in order to stretch properly, they cannot have pockets but instead have built in fanny packs where pockets should be. Designers all added donut holsters on each hip.”

These pants will come in jeans, slacks, velvet suit pants, corduroys, and even overalls. The company expects these additions to boost sales dramatically. The pants will go on sale the week after the dozen donut giveaway at $9.99 a pair, or a free pair with every order of 3 dozen donuts. The company’s profits are up 36% according to the Wall Street Journal, and they are expected to rise higher with the new sales opportunities.

‘Ice Bucket Challenge’ Becomes Banned In Missouri; You Won’t Believe The Reason Why

Posted on August 15, 2014 by Rab

KANSAS CITY, Missouri –

The “Ice Bucket Challenge,” a viral-video ploy to raise awareness for ALS, commonly known as Lou Gehrig’s Disease, has recently popped up all across the internet, prompting everyone to challenge their friends to dump ice water over their heads in lieu of, or in addition to, donating to the research to cure the deadly disease. Around the Missouri border it has gone viral at an exponential pace, prompting action from the city council.

“These people are dumping buckets of ice water on their heads, wasting millions of gallons per day,” Says Sly James, the Mayor of Kansas City. “It was great at first because donations were pouring in to local chapters for research on ALS, but after the first couple of days panic ensued for us representatives.”

James is referring to a serious environmental problem faced by the city in the last few weeks. “People are dumping five gallon buckets, 10 gallon buckets, and heck, even bucket loaders full of water on themselves, which would all be well and good, if we weren’t in the middle of a drought,” says Meteorologist Katie Horner. “We are experiencing one of the worst droughts in years, and wasting all this water when the whole point was to get people donating to a charity is asinine.”

Kansas City alone has lost water due to drought, enough so that more rural portions of the city are going without it, as well as the rest of the city having to ration their water. “Restaurants have shut down, people are not allowed to shower, a family of five is only rationed ten gallons of water every other day,” Says James. “These people need to realize that for all the positivity they are spreading by making ALS known, they are also devastating our ecosystem, which in recent years has become extremely fragile. There is always two sides to the coin.”

With no sign of stopping, people in Missouri have decided to stop using the tap and have gone to lakes and rivers to get their water, with equal detriment to the environment surrounding. “It goes without saying that people in general need to be a part of something,” says anthropologist Robert Layton. “It is unfortunate that in today’s social age they need to grasp on to internet, to notoriety or fame so much that they refuse to see what they are doing to their home town.”

“We had to put out a bulletin banning the ice bucket challenge,” Says James. “We just can’t have people potentially dying for no reason other than to get out of donating money to research. People should just make videos showing them donating. ‘ALS is a big deal, let’s take it out!’ and then fork over $10. That’s what the challenge was supposed to be about. Apparently somewhere along the line, people forgot the ‘donate’ part, and just started wasting water.”

Although the ‘challenge’ has brought in over $1 million more than the ALS foundation would have normally received by this time in years past, representatives for the foundation say that if people actually donated when they did the challenge, they’d have much more.

“Originally the challenge was someone nominates you, and you have 24 hours to either complete the challenge AND donate $10, or you would not complete the challenge at all, and you had to donate $100,” said Marsha Farmington, representative for the ALS foundation. “Yes, we’ve had people donate. Yes, we’ve had people donate more than $100, even. But I have to say, based on how many videos I see in my Facebook feed every day of people dumping buckets over their head, most people who do the challenge remember to film it, they remember to tag friends, and they remember to post it on the internet. The thing they forget is to donate the $10.”