Secret Emails Reveal Paula Deen’s Racist Comments Were Publicity Stunt To Get Out Of Food Network Contract

Posted on August 5, 2014 by mattwardcomedy

SAVANNAH, Georgia –

Just over a year after being fired from the Food Network over admissions to using racial slurs in the past, emails between Paula Deen and her brother Bubba Deen have uncovered some very interesting facts. Directly following accusations from one of her former restaurant managers, Lisa T. Jackson, that she was the victim of discrimination, sexual and physical harassment, Deen exchanged emails with her brother saying “This whole thing is so silly, I should just tell them I used to say the N-word a lot, that will get the liberal media putting the word out all over the place about me. No press is bad press, right?”

In the e-mails, Deen discusses some new twists on her butter-based recipes with her brother as well as laments about vacation homes she hopes to one day purchase. Bubba advises his sister to consider the overall cost of losing her Food Network Contract in the event that the story gets out of control. “You know how the media twists the things you say to get ratings,” he told her during the exchange.

No more mention of the idea appears in the e-mail correspondence. Deen later made the admission to using the ‘n-word’ in a videotaped deposition which eventually led to her legal team settling out of court for an undisclosed amount with the plaintiff.

The E-mails were discovered by a computer programmer that had purchased the laptop second-hand online from one of Deen’s assistants. When attempting to reformat the computer, the programmer noticed a cache of email files and quickly discovered the e-mails were from Deen. He reportedly sold the emails to the Associated Press, who verified their authenticity.

WSAV in Savannah, GA, was reportedly one of the news outlets that picked up the story, but quickly rescinded after Deen’s Restaurant threatened to pull a large advertising contract they held with the company.

The ‘publicity stunt’ may have cost Deen nearly $10 million dollars, but freed her from her contract with The Food Network, where despite reportedly being paid $50,000 per episode in 2008, Deen was ‘miserable.’

Deen and Paula Deen Ventures CEO Steven Nanula wasted no time in developing and preparing to launch an entirely new Paul Deen Network online. Paula Deen Ventures has received a nearly $100 million dollar investment from Jahm Najafi, CEO of Najafi Cos. and owner of the Book of the Month Club and BMG Music Service.

In the end, it seems that Deen’s stunt worked, paying out over 10-fold what she’d have made during the same time period on the Food Network.

Illinois Nursing Home Contends With Shocking Elder Abuse Scandal

Posted on August 5, 2014 by DvanL

ST. CHARLES, Illinois –

From the outside, Grouse Lane Manor looks like every other modest development along the Fox River Valley. Located one hour west of Chicago, the ranch style residence appears tranquil and inviting. But beyond the gently sloping front lawn, easy-open doors and slip-resistant entry ramp, another scene was unfolding.

“Oh, it was a nightmare!” said current Activities Director Verna Andersen. “We had a group of ringleaders who took over and turned things upside down. They were nothing but a gang of senior thugs. It was elder abuse, alright. Abuse by the elders themselves!”

Janitor Henry Puce added, “The things I saw I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy! I had to replace all my broom handles and mops.”

Andersen recalls that the trouble began when 84 year-old resident Joseph “Big C” Carlstadt began complaining about things.

“First it was desserts he didn’t like. Next he said he wasn’t getting a fair shake about choosing television shows,” said Andersen. “Then he thought the front lawn was his front lawn. He started yelling at everyone to get off of it. Things went downhill fast.”

‘Big C’ managed to persuade a number of residents to stage a revolt. “He was tricky, that guy,” recalls janitor Puce. “He got some of the good ones to go bad and once that got started, we didn’t stand a chance. We were outnumbered.”

Puce revealed several bruises on his arms and legs, injuries received while he was the brunt of the residents’ rage.

“One lady, Mrs. Talley, she spread some pills down right outside my utility closet, and when I went to sweep them up, she hit me with her walking stick until I promised to mop the floors ‘til she said they was clean enough to eat off of. I never could get them clean enough for her, and she kept on hitting me with that stick…Then she made me eat off of the floor anyway.”

The emergency alert system and all phones were hacked by retired electronics technician Gene Sampson. “We were trapped,” said Andersen. “The worst of it was one day when I was setting up our social night, which we called ‘Carbon Dating.’ While I was distracted, all the emergency buttons were rewired and the phones were too.”

Order was restored after Puce was able to crawl through a heating and ventilation duct and break through a wall. “I ran for my life to the nearest house and finally got ahold of the police. I’m just lucky to be alive,” he said. “And extremely thankful.”

An Illinois Department of Health investigation is ongoing. Residents who participated in the abuse have been separated and moved to other facilities.

‘Guardians of the Galaxy’ Breaks Box Office Records, Studio Announces Unprecedented 8 Sequels

Posted on August 5, 2014 by Bob The Empire News Potato

HOLLYWOOD, California –

The new film Guardians of the Galaxy, based on a Marvel comic book about a group of rag-tag space-traveling misfits who join together to save the world, has broken numerous box office records since its release to theaters this past Friday, making it one of the highest-grossing films of all time, as well as one of the highest-grossing comic book films ever released. Executives for Marvel Studios, amazed at the film’s success, have already green-lit 8 sequels to the movie.

“We knew the movie would be a big summer hit with families, but we didn’t know that it was going to be this massive,” said Peter Dey, an executive at Marvel Studios. “No one even knew this comic book existed before we started releasing trailers for the movie. This proves how great marketing can really pack the butts in the seats.”

Even with its PG-13 rating for action, violence, and some crude-humor, theaters across the country were packed with children of all ages, many of whom were excited to see the film, despite not having ever read the comics.

“The previews looked good and funny,” said Brad Quill, age 9, who was seeing the movie in Los Angeles with his father. “I’ve never looked at the comics before. I am an Avengers fan more than anything. But this will do until we get another one of those movies.”

Despite not yet making back the $170 million dollars the film was budgeted, executives have already announced several sequels, and have been working with agents for all of the stars from the first film to get them to sign on for the next 8 films.

“We really want to make this a massive franchise. More movies, clothing, figures – you name it,” said Dey. “We need everyone to come back for the next movies, and we’re paying big money for them to do so.”

Insiders report that the studio is looking on spending almost $600 million dollars on the next film alone, with a reported $3 billion to be spent over the series as a whole.

The reviews for the film are almost universally amazing, another feat that is hard to pull off in this day-and-age, especially by a comic book film that doesn’t feature a main cast member that died before the film was released.

“Remember how bad X-Men Origins: Wolverine and Man of Steel were?” asked Dey. “This film is as good as those movies were bad. It will make you forget all about that atrocity of a Transformers movie you saw earlier this summer, that’s for sure.”

Marvel has said that the next GOTG film will be released in 2016, with another film following every 2 years after. The final film in the series will be released in July, 2030. Director James Gunn, known for absolutely nothing else before this major blockbuster of a film, has already signed on to continue with the series until it has ended.

Jesse Ventura Talks Presidential Run in 2016

Posted on August 5, 2014 by mattwardcomedy

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Former professional wrestling superstar and Governor of Minnesota Jesse Ventura (James George Janos) recently tweeted about his supporters calling for him to run for President of the United States in 2016.

“I hear you guys and I am overwhelmed with the support. Maybe it’s time to take Washington down a peg or two,” said the tweet from @GovJVentura on July 26th.

This message to his fans was retweeted 900 times and favorited 1600 times. Supporters like @LoftusRaider replied to Jesse showing their support.

“That’s right Jesse, you could really ‘bodyslam’ those goons in Washington with your policies!” said Raider.

Twitter user @jtfalcon804 had similiar thoughts in his reply. “If more people in America were like @GovJVentura, not afraid to say what needs to be said, we’d be living in a much better country”.

A group of fans started jesseventura2016.com to encourage the former Governor to rise to the call of running for president, praising him for his leadership style. The web site states “If ‘We The People’ want real change, we are going to have to do something radical, like nominate Jesse Ventura for President in 2016.’

Despite having a massive amount of support from wrestling, political, and media fans, there are some people who think he is too brash and far out to make a good President.

In late July, Ventura won a lawsuit against slain Navy SEAL sniper Chris Kyle’s widow, Taya Kyle. The suit stated that before Kyle’s death, he had fabricated a story about punching the former Governor for comments he made when the two happened to be in the same bar on an evening in 2006. Ventura claimed that the entire altercation never happened, and walked away from court with an undisclosed settlement from the now deceased sniper’s estate.

In the wake of this controversy, former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin spoke out against Ventura publicly on Twitter. Ventura tweeted out a series of retalitatory responses related to Palin’s comments, which he later deleted but did not issue an apologize for.

“Do you think I care at all about what @SarahPalinUSA has to say? Why are people still paying any attention to her?” said Ventura via Twitter. “[She] is the Honey Boo-Boo of politicians.”

Palin’s Twitter followers began attacking Ventura, eventually leading to him delete the tweets, but making no comment about them. Ventura had recently launched his show “Off the Grid” on the Ora TV Network, which he was in the middle of promoting on his twitter account, likely prompting him to delete the tweets about Palin.

Jesse Ventura has been outspoken about his distaste for the rich running the country and the greed in Washington being the primary element bringing down our country. He continues to flirt with the idea of running for President, but political experts have been doubtful.

“This isn’t the movie Idiocracy,” stated John Greer, Professor of Public Policy and Education at Vanderbilt University. “The only thing Jesse is going to put a choke hold on is legitimate third-party candidates vying for their parties’ nomination. Hulk Hogan would have a better chance of winning the election.”

When directly asked if he planned on running for president, Ventura was positive about the idea.

“You don’t have to be some fat cat in Washington with Pfizer in your pocket to be the President. However, I don’t know if I am ready to take on the burden of trying to fix a broken system. I am going to announce my final decision on the season finale to “Off the Grid,” so everyone will have to just tune in.”

New Texas Law Makes Homosexuality Illegal

Posted on August 4, 2014 by JP

HOUSTON, Texas –

Shocking news coming out of Texas today after a law has been passed making it illegal to be a homosexual throughout the state. The law was passed on Friday and took effect Monday morning.

The law first began to form after a local Houston police officer saw his 7-year-old son kiss a fellow male friend on the mouth while playing in their backyard. When asked why he kissed the other boy he replied, that he had “seen it on TV.”

“I certainly punished him after I saw that,” said the officer, who wishes to remain anonymous. “No more TV, and you can bet your ass he got the belt. I’ll smack the gay right outta that boy.”

Outraged by the event in his backyard, the officer took to the court rooms knocking down door-after-door until eventually getting into the right ears and helping to get the law passed.

“Homosexuality is an outrage,” said the officer. “Television gets into our the heads of our children, and it isn’t fair. I had to make sure that I stopped it in its tracks. I don’t blame TV, I blame this country and its flagrant homosexuality. Everywhere you look there are gays touching and kissing and holding hands. Rather than educating my son or letting him be who he wants to be, I had to make the hard decision and make sure he turns out straight. Either he does, or he’ll end up behind bars.”

Many establishments, such as The Rusty Hammer and The Texas Wiener, two of Dallas’ biggest gay bars, are also being forced to have a change of theme, or the state will be looking at shutting them down.

Representatives from the state government have yet to comment publicly on the new law, but they do claim that it was something many Texans had been hoping would happen for ages.

“It’s about time these homos were stopped from being able to touch each other,” said Milton Charles, a resident of Austin. “We don’t need the gays out there, threatening our way of life, and teaching our children it’s okay to be gay. Sodomy is disgusting. I can’t imagine how anyone would want that.”

After being informed that the definition of sodomy actually included any form of “unnatural,” sex, and that technically that would also include any oral sex he received from his wife, he commented further on what he says is “truly disturbing” sexual acts.

“Well clearly I meant the gay-sodomoy when I said that,” said Charles. “What I do in the privacy of my house ain’t nobody’s business. But the gays, they shouldn’t be doing that s—.”

Several men have been arrested since the law was enacted this morning, but so far no women have been brought in on charges.

McDonald’s Reveals Ingredients In Big Mac ‘Secret Sauce’; You Won’t Believe What’s In It

Posted on August 4, 2014 by JP

OAK BROOK, Illinois –

McDonald’s Corporation has always been a company of speculations and urban legends – everything from styrofoam being used in their shakes to kangaroo meat in their burgers. No matter what the rumor was, though, McDonald’s usually didn’t make a statement about it at all, choosing to remain quiet and ignore detractors. This morning, though, the company chose to make an announcement that would put an end to some speculation over a popular item on their menu.

Since the release of the iconic Big Mac, one of McDonald’s most popular menu items, people have been asking the same question for years: What is in that special sauce? Even the once-popular jingle for the burger, “Two all-beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions, on a sesame seed bun,” mentions it – but kept the tangy, sweet sauce ingredients a mystery. Even movies like Nickelodeon’s Good Burger parodied the “secret sauce” concept. It’s been talked about for years, but never publicly commented on by anyone from the restaurant.

Finally, after years of wondering, curiosity, and frustration, CEO Donald Thompson has put the debates to rest.

“It’s just Thousand Island dressing, salt, sugar, and generic Miracle Whip,” said Thompson. “Were you expecting it to be something super-special-secret? Sorry to disappoint. It’s good though, right? People have been saying for years that it was just dressing, but we thought it was something ‘special,’ and we wanted to keep it that way.”

An anonymous source from inside McDonald’s has said that Thompson finally announced the ingredients to the sauce because the company is planning on brining out a new, major food item that they say could very well replace the Big Mac as its flagship menu item.

“The new item, it’s not really a burger. Well, I don’t want to say too much,” said the source. “But think about this – would they really tell everyone what the ‘secret sauce’ was made of if there wasn’t something bigger and better coming down the pipeline? You’ll just have to wait and see.”

Office ‘Pencil Pusher’ Fired After Stabbing Co-Worker With Pencil

Posted on August 4, 2014 by DvanL

DAYTON, Ohio –

Rocco Faber, a 30-year employee of Drake Business Systems, redefined the conventional image of the mild-mannered office drone, after injuring co-worker Flip McKenzie during a spontaneous attack last week.

“He created tension for me at my expense,” said Faber. “So I stabbed him in the neck.” Faber, speaking from a suburban Dayton anger management facility continued, “I could hear him on the other side of my cube, drumming his fingers on the table, and he chewed with his mouth open, and he made too many personal calls and I could hear them. So I stabbed him in the neck.”

Increasingly common occurrences of workplace violence have dominated headlines, reflecting one of the bleaker elements of America’s present-day employment landscape. The usual scenario includes an employee’s termination, issues of underlying anger, and the use of a weapon – usually and most violently, a firearm.

“I’m against guns and won’t have any in my house or anywhere near me,” said Faber, “but I got so angry that day and I did use my pencil as a weapon. It was a bad mistake and I wish I could erase it, but I can’t. It’s a permanent blot on my record.”

Office manager Helen Brown was stunned upon hearing of the unexpected behavior from one of the company’s most consistent employees. “He’s been here longer than I have,” commented Brown. “I remember him when I first started. I sat across from him and he was quiet. I moved up the ladder pretty quickly, and I didn’t get to know him too well. Some of the old-timers over in HR were pretty upset.”

In exchange for prison time, a deal was negotiated between prosecutors and Faber’s victim. “At the end of the day I wasn’t really hurt that bad.” said McKenzie. “It was more of a scuffle, so I didn’t press charges, you know? I mean the pencil was pretty dull and it just left a little mark right here on the side of my neck. He really didn’t have a strong grip.”

Faber will participate in group therapy sessions, where proper coping mechanisms are stressed. Anger management techniques are demonstrated by role-playing, with constructive criticism making up a large part of treatment.

“They were going to offer me some job training,” Faber said, “but I kept telling them I already have a career, so I asked them if I could continue doing it. They gave me a job here as the accountant for the group home, and so far, so good. I manage all the expenses and budgets, so it keeps me busy and not thinking about stabbing anyone in the neck. I’m just lucky. One of the guys here makes a lot of jokes, and he said that they gave me another stab at it. That was a pretty good one and everybody in the room laughed. He’s a pretty good guy,” said Faber, “but sometimes he tells too many jokes when we’re trying get work done. We all have a good time though. My favorite part is when we get to do the role playing, when we get to act out.”

Insane Clown Posse, Juggalos To Appeal Supreme Court Decision That Categorizes Them As Gang Members

Posted on August 4, 2014 by Rab

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

In a recent Supreme Court verdict, a judge upheld the decision made by the US Government that had declared “Juggalos,” super-fans of the musical group Insane Clown Posse, to be classified as gang members. Thousands of fans, who say that they are more of a “family” than a gang, are disgusted by this verdict.

The Insane Clown Posse, or ICP, have been making music together since 1985. With two platinum and five gold albums, they have a fan base in the hundreds of thousands.

“We always knew we would be huge woop woop,” ICP frontman Shaggy 2 Dope says. “It was just a matter of time before we made it big. This whole gang s*** is really getting us down. Just because we talk about this stuff all the time, it’s only about family. All the Juggalos and Juggalettes are my family, whether I know them or not. They would die for us, and kill for us, and we would do the same for them.”

The recent court ruling decided that anyone associated with the Juggalos are members of a gang.

“These Juggalos go around, talking about killing people and rape and they think that’s okay,” Says FCC Chairman Tom Wheeler. ” They do this all while being painted up like clowns and in large groups. Someone walking by overhears it and gets uncomfortable, it is a no brainer to me that this is gang-like behavior. Strength in numbers and what not.”

The Juggalo community is quite split on the decision, some have always looked at it as a gang, while others just look at it as a community.

“Woop woop, I don’t get why all dis s*** is being stirred over us mother f***ers. We just doing our thang WOOP WOOP.” Says Juggalo Curtis Brown, who goes by his ‘Juggalo Name’ Mizta Nut Busta. “I ain’t never f***in kill n***as, I just f***ing sing da shit dey sing woop woop. We’s a family and that’s it, none of us has ever killed n***as or f***ed s*** up fo’ no reason, we ain’t like that.”

Apparently, not all Juggalos are on the same page about what being a fan of ICP, and being a Juggalo itself, even means.

“Man we always been a gang. We ain’t never wanted nothing but to kill s*** and f*** s*** up. I just smoke mah weed, rock my faygo, and spray b****es with my sperm, woop woop,” Said ‘Masta-Bata 187,’ a Juggalo from Detroit.

In a stunning reaction to the ruling, hundreds of Juggalos and Juggaletes flooded the streets with signs and face paint, protesting the court ruling.

“I have never seen such a seemingly motley crew organize so quickly,” Says famous Anthropologist Napoleon Chagnon. “They seem like a variable hodgepodge of Mongoloids that don’t seem capable of doing anything but smoking pot and listening to bad music. I am not sure that this protest will help their cause, because they keep throwing out gang signs and their faces are all painted. It is pretty much just an excuse to get drunk and party in public with signs.”

As of the writing of this article, it is unclear whether representatives for ICP actually filed the appeal, or if they were too busy getting high and just thought they filed them.

MTV Announces New Programming; Channel To Air Music Videos Again

Posted on August 3, 2014 by JP

MANHATTAN, New York –

The television station MTV, which long ago was the voice of Music on television, has gone downhill since their heyday in the mid-to-late 80s. Where once they were known for playing the best music and great music videos, over time the station has steered away from music, and has become more known for their hit reality television shows. The Viacom-owned station has been garnering huge ratings over the past few years with show like The Jersey Shore and The Real World, shows that have nothing at all to do with music.

According to sources inside MTV, though, that is all going to change, and probably very soon. An as-yet-unnamed television company approached Viacom to purchase the trademarked name MTV, in hopes that they could actually use it to bring back the glory days of the network, and begin showing music videos once more.

With another company interested in starting a new network, using MTV’s original concept – and one that made them famous – executives for the network have begun to re-think their current strategy for programming.

According to a source close to the talks, MTV will again be playing music videos and music-related shows, toning down their reality programs to almost nil. Instead, those shows will begin airing on their own network, MTVDocs, which will have shows such as The Real World, Catfish, and more.

“We lost touch with who we are, and this attempted buy-out really opened our eyes” said the CEO of MTV Judy McGrath. “As everyone has already been informed, I am moving on to Amazon come October, but this project will be taken over by my successor, and I can promise everyone that we will be known for music videos once more.”

Ratings are expected to drop dramatically at first, but the company is optimistic that over time they will be back up. In a recent poll, kids and teens aged 11-19 actually had no idea that MTV once played music at all.

“I didn’t know that MTV stood for Music Television,” said Joey Goldsmith, a super-fan of MTV’s show Catfish. “I always just assumed the letters meant nothing. Kind of like how NBC doesn’t stand for anything. I don’t know. Either way, I’m glad they’re not getting rid of all the good shows! I’ll just watch Nev and Max on Catfish when they move over to the MTVDocs channel!”

Not all viewers are excited for the change, with many not interested at all in seeing music videos or music-related programming.

“This is complete bulls—! I want to see the world how it truly is, not how rappers throw their cheddar around and rock stars jump off stages,” said Aaron Silver, a 15-year-old from Mississippi. “If we can’t watch 16 year olds get pregnant and drunk people fight on the beach, how will we learn about American history?”

In related news, VH1 has said that they may consider playing music videos again as well, to which several people replied “Wait, VH1 is still a channel?”

Florida Man Successfully Receives Penis Transplant From Horse

Posted on August 3, 2014 by Raoul Stockton

IZTAPALPA, Mexico –

A man from Melbourne, Florida has received the worlds first-ever successful horse-to-man penis transplant in Iztapalapa, Mexico using the allograft procedure, which is a procedure in which the key components of organs are grown artificially. The news broke this morning as it was published in the Mexican newspaper ‘El Grafico.’

The recipient of the transplant, which took place July 16th, Nicholas Waterbury, wished to remain anonymous at first, but was convinced by Mexican physicians that he would go down in history as the world’s first ever, animal-to-man penile transplant recipient, and that it could bring him great fame. Waterbury then gave El Grafico the approval to use his name in their exclusive front-page article.

The procedure, which took place at El Calavero Medical Center and was successfully completed in just over nine-hours, was completed by Dr. Abelino Santiago, who specializes in organ transplants. Santiago adamantly stated that this was an unprecedented, groundbreaking operation.

“The first human-to-human penis transplant was just in 2006, so this is very significant.” said Santiago.

The worlds first penis transplant that Santiago referenced, which was indeed successful, was completed in September of 2006 in Guangzhou, China by Dr. Jean-Michel Dubernard. The recipient, a 44-year-old male, had lost most of his penis in an accident. The transplanted penis came from a 22-year-old male. Although the transplant was successful, the patient had the procedure reversed due to psychological trauma. According to records, that was the only successful penis transplant ever completed until Waterbury received his new penis. His transplant from a Campolina, a breed of horse common in the Mexican wilderness, and used by ranchers throughout Central America.

Dr. Santiago explained to Waterbury that the odds of the procedure being successful and taking to Waterbury’s body was less than ten-percent. “We had our doubts, we believed that the chances that the transplant would take would be very small – but there was that small chance that we could accomplish a feat which had never been done before.” said Santiago. “We have made history, and Mr. Waterbury is recovering very nicely.” he said.

Waterbury told the press he first considered the transplant after reading about Dr. Santiago successfully completing several animal-to-animal penile transplants. Having been ridiculed all his life for having a below average sized penis, he got in touch with the doctor and asked if it was at all possible to receive a transplanted penis from a horse, and have a fully functional penis.

“He told me the chances were very slim that it would work, but I decided to try to be a part of history while possibly fulfilling complete personal satisfaction.” said Waterbury. “It has been two weeks, everything seems to work properly and when they tested it two days ago, I got my first erection. I am amazed, Dr. Santiago is a wonderful man.” added Waterbury.

Being that the issue for Waterbury was the size, reporters naturally asked about the transplanted penis’ size, “Mr. Waterbury wishes to not disclose that information, but we can tell you that he is a very satisfied man,” said Dr. Santiago.

Waterbury is sure to face a flood of news media upon his arrival back into the United States, which according to Santiago, will be about a month.

“We wish to keep Mr. Waterbury under constant observation for at least the next thirty days, in which we will perform multiple tests on the functionality of the penis. When we are satisfied and certain he will have no issues, we will recommend that he can go home, however for the time being it is absolutely necessary to monitor the healing process.” said Santiago.

Santiago added that some of the inner workings of the penis were modified using synthetic materials, allowing the procedure to be possible. “Without the allograft procedure, in which tissue is grown artificially, we would not have even tried. I contemplated even trying it at all, but after some research and meeting with my associates, we were convinced that it was indeed possible using the lab grown allograft. We are very pleased with the outcome, but we still have to keep an eye on Mr. Waterbury’s healing process, which has gone extremely well.” Santiago said.