Second Giant Skull Washes Up On Beach In San Francisco, California

Posted on December 9, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

SAN FRANCISCO, California –

In November, experts were baffled after a giant skull of an unknown creature washed ashore on the beaches of San Francisco, leaving many to wonder how it was possible that the creature had gone unnoticed for so long.

“This is not some prehistoric skull that washed ashore after millions of years tumbling under the waves,” said research scientist Anthony Moore back in January when the first skull was found. “This is a creature that died only a short while ago, probably within the last 2 years. It’s mind-boggling that there could be a creature out there of this size, and no one had seen it previously.”

On Monday, a second skull washed ashore, just 3 miles down the coast from the original finding. Experts say they are still conducting studies to determine the origins of the skulls. Public interest has been at an all-time high after the announcement was made by the California Coast Guard of Monday’s findings.

“We are extremely excited, although slightly terrified, that these skulls continue to was ashore,” said Marine Biologist Joel Gluck. “As we mentioned back in November, these creatures are going unnoticed in our waters, and dying, and washing ashore. Based on their size, they could level a killer whale if need be, so we’re extremely interested in determining its methods of staying undetected.”

The Coast Guards warns that if more skulls continue to appear, they may be forced to close the beaches for an undetermined amount of time, until it is cleared for safety reasons.

Girl Born With Only Giant Mouth On Her Face Lives Happy, Healthy Life

Posted on December 9, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

DECATUR, Alabama –

Jennie Clarke just turned 9-year-old on October 19th, and she’s one of the happiest girls you’ll ever meet. She loves to sing, talk to her friends on the phone, and listen to music like any other normal 9-year-old. The only thing about Jennie that’s different, though, is that she was born without any facial features at all; Jennie is all mouth.

“It was startling, to say the least, when she was born. I mean, all she had was this giant gaping mouth in her face,” said Jennie’s mother, Rhonda Clarke. “Over time though, we got used to it. People stare sometimes, and they gawk at her in public. Thankfully Jennie can’t tell though, since she has no eyes. She’s just the happiest girl.”

Doctors have reportedly never been able to determine Jennie’s exact medical condition, but Rhonda Clarke says that she’s not really interested anymore in figuring out why, she just wants Jennie to be able to live the best, most full life possible.

“She’s perfect in every other way,” said Rhonda. “Totally healthy, no issues. She eats, sleeps, plays, and everything just like every other girl her age, she’s just a little more special. We’re very, very blessed to have to wake up to her face every day. Family really is the most important thing there is.”

Dangerous New ‘Tongue Zipper’ Trend Rising In Popularity Amongst Teens

Posted on December 9, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

CHARLESTON, South Carolina –

Parents, be warned! A dangerous new form of “tongue splitting” is becoming increasingly popular with teens, as more and more have their tongue split down the middle, and then have a zipper forcefully attached in its place.

Tongue splitting itself has been a fringe form of body modification for years, although often difficult to find safe environments for the operation to be performed. With many piercing shops refusing to do it out of severe medical issues that could arise, it was often something that needed to be performed by a plastic surgeon.

New techniques, though, have made it possible for many teens to do the “surgery” themselves, in the comfort of their own homes.

“Oh yeah man, it was pretty easy, actually,” said Joe Goldsmith, 16. “I pretty much just stole a pair of scissors from school, and I cut right down the middle of my friend Amanda’s tongue. No problem at all. It was a bit more of a bitch getting the blood out of my mom’s shag carpet, though. Then, we took a zipper of a pair of old jeans, and we kind of forced it into the open wound area. Once it was healed, she was good to go.”

Many body modification enthusiasts say that tongue splitting amongst teens is at an all-time high, especially now that they are performing the mod themselves in their own home.

“I waited until my stupid bitch mom passed out drunk like she does every night, and then I snuck out to have my tongue zippered at a friend’s house,” said Joanne Myers, 14. “My fat cow mother screamed when she saw it, but I think it’s bad ass, and my boyfriend loves it when I go down on him now.”

Parents are cautioned to not allow their children to play with sharp objects, knives, or scissors. If they have have pants with zippers, remove the zippers immediately and replace with velcro or button snaps to avoid possible misuse.

Rhinoceros Born With Rooster Head Becomes Biggest Spectacle At Bronx Zoo

Posted on December 9, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

BRONX, New York –

A Rhinoceros that was born with the head of a rooster has become one of the most viewed attractions at New York’s Bronx Zoo in the last several months. The animal, which specialists believe is naturally occurring after a rooster copulated with a female rhino, is approximately 3-years-old, and was found in the wild in Tanzania.

“We procured the Rhinoster through private channels after he was captured in the deserts of Tanzania,” said zoo spokesman Carl Grove. “After careful research and monitoring, we have determined that the animal is completely real, and not created in a lab. We believe that a rare, oversized wild rooster may have had sex with a female rhinoceros in the wild, forming what we commonly call the Rhinoster, or the Horny Cock.”

Grove estimates that over 2 million visitors to the Bronx Zoo have viewed the Horny Cock since his arrival in June.

“We are extremely happy to have this Rhinoster in our possession, and we plan to try and breed him if we can,” said Grove. “Only time will tell if the Horny Cock really sticks to his namesake.”

Baby Sumo Wrestling Latest Fad In Japan

Posted on December 9, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

TOKYO, Japan –

Sumo wrestling has been one of Japan’s most revered sports for centuries, with little changing in the events over time. Earlier this year, though, a new league within Japan’s Sumo Wrestling Alliance was founded, with babies as the main attraction.

“We decided to begin having younger and younger babies fight in the sumo ring, because it is amusing to us, and that is why we do the things we do,” said Japanese Sumo wrestler Takeshi Taiken. “It is a strong Japanese custom to make everything seem hilarious and cute to Americans, and that is what Baby Sumo Wrestling is all about.”

While most babies eat roughly 400-800 calories a day in baby food, depending on their age, Sumo babies are force fed upwards of 20,000 calories a day, making sure that they grow to be not only hilariously fat, but also able to take on one another in the Sumo ring.

“Babies of all sizes are welcome to Sumo, but you should know, that the bigger the baby, the harder the small baby fall,” said Taiken. “It’s all about size and strength. Fatter babies are stronger and tougher. I feed my baby steaks every day, all day, so he grows big and strong. I mean, he can barely walk, but in Sumo, walking is the least of your concerns.”

In the United States, Baby Sumo Wrestling has been trending on social media, with many people sharing videos and clips of the adorable wrestling events.

Didn’t Finish College? You Can Now Lie About It On Job Applications

Posted on December 8, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Most job applicants lie about graduating from community college. A 2015 study by the American Association of Community Colleges (AACC), has found that up to half of community college drop outs still list themselves as graduates on resumes. With this new knowledge, the government has mandated that it will now be legal to consider yourself a CC graduate if you’ve even attended at all.

Bill Rich, HR manager says his company, Soft Skillz Temp Agency, had to actually start checking degrees. “Chances are they attended the community college. They could tell you all about it in an interview, but often they did not actually complete their degree. If it says something like liberal studies, you know they definitely didn’t finish. Who would go for something so pointless anyway? It’s just not realistic. This new law is going to kick my ass. I’ll be checking references for weeks.”

The study predicts most applicants were getting away with it, and researchers speculated that job seekers have gotten lazy, due to lackadaisical reference checking. Rich says, “They think we’re not going to call. They think nobody actually checks references. Sad thing is in most cases they’re right.”

Patrick Swayze Turns In His Grave After First Reviews of ‘Point Break’ Remake Hit The Web

Posted on December 6, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

HOLLYWOOD, California –

Patrick Swayze made a name for himself in the 80s and 90s, starring in feature films like Road House and Ghost, but one of his most iconic rolls was in the heist/action film Point Break, co-starring Keanu Reeves, that was released in 1991. The actor has since passed on, but as reviews of the Point Break remake have begun hitting the web, reports have indicated that Swayze is, indeed, rolling in his grave.

“I saw the trailer for the new Point Break, and I have to say, it looks pretty damn awful,” said film reviewer Charles Junior. “I watched it and said, ‘Oh man, Patrick probably rolling over in his grave right now,’ and as it turns out, he really is.”

Swayze’s headstone has reportedly fallen over multiple times, and groundskeepers at the cemetery say that they know it’s because he’s in there, going out of his mind.

“I keep picking it back up, but then it falls back over,” said one cemetery worker. “Problem is that damn Point Break remake. Making that poor man turn over and over in his grave. It’s sad. They should just pull it from release before it causes Mr. Swayze to get no eternal rest.”

Keanu Reeves, Swayze’s co-star in the original film, is still alive, but yet had no comment on the half-assed remake. Point Break is scheduled to hit theatres on Christmas day for some reason.

CM Punk Says He Will Be Returning To WWE In January

Posted on December 6, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

STAMFORD, Connecticut –

Former professional wrestler CM Punk, real name Phil Brooks, recently spoke with ESPN 8 about returning to the ring and working for WWE, and interviewers were quite surprised by Punk’s response when he was asked if he’d ever consider going back.

“Oh, I am going back,” said Punk, much to the surprise of ESPN anchors. “Yup, it’s a done deal. I’m going back in January.”

Punk, who was scheduled to begin his stint in the UFC, reportedly decided that the fights would be “too tough” for him, and he decided he enjoyed scripted fights better.

“Dana White gave me an opportunity to fight in the UFC, and I appreciate that. I signed on the dotted line and everything,” said Punk. “In thinking about it, though, there’s a pretty damn good chance that I’d get my ass whipped, and that’s not what I’m about. So instead, I went back to WWE. Vince took me back no problem, probably because that company is such a shit show right now that they can’t really not have me anymore. It’s going to be a good time.”

Dana White was reportedly developing a reality show that would focus on finding a contender for Punk’s first UFC bout, but has since cancelled the idea, and will instead use the show to focus on how in the hell Ronda Rousey sucked so much during her last championship fight.

Obama Breaks Tradition, Removes Menorah From White House During Hanukkah

Posted on December 6, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

For over 200 years, a Menorah has been lit each night of the Jewish holiday of Hanukkah in the White House, despite no president ever being Jewish. This year, though, President Obama has ordered that the Menorah be removed, and that none be brought in throughout the building’s many offices.

“This is a joyous time for families, and a time to remember the love and faith we all share by celebrating with gift giving and togetherness,” said Obama from inside the White House. “We have a Christmas tree in the White House, and that is enough. We are an all inclusive country, but let’s not forget, that this is also my home, and I celebrate Christmas.”

Many people have protested the president’s decision, although he says that there is no reason to change now.

“Hanukkah has already started, and we didn’t light any candles, so there’s no reason to get all up in arms over it,” said Obama. “Next year, you’ll have a new president at this time, and he can have the Hanukkah traditions or not, I really don’t care. Since it will probably be Trump, and he’s a full-blown racist, you probably won’t get anything in the White House.”

Religious Groups Praise ‘Krampus’ Movie, Say It ‘Puts Jesus Back Into People’s Lives’

Posted on December 6, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

HOLLYWOOD, California –

Several religious groups, mostly sponsored by the Catholic church, have said that they are “extremely happy” with the new film Krampus, which opened this past week in theatres around the country. Based around an old legend about an evil entity that kidnaps bad children at Christmastime, Krampus is a movie that religious groups say “puts Jesus back into people’s lives.”

“Oh yes, once you see Krampus, you will come running back to Jesus,” said Mary Joseph of the Church of Sacred Hearts in Huntsville, Alabama. “I took my entire family to see it, all the children. They screamed, cried, and were scared to death. The great thing is, afterwards, they all wanted to go to church with me. They all ran back to Jesus.”

Film executives say that they are “very happy” that Christian and Catholic groups, who normally spit on their horror-centric films, are pleased with the latest feature.

“To be honest, we were just making a scary movie, but if Catholics want to run out and see it, more power to them. It’s more money in our pockets,” said one executive. “Frankly, any time they’re not shunning our movie, the better. If this works for them, I’ll just greenlight a whole slew of Krampus films. What do I care?”