Family Loses House After Christmas Lights Cause Massive Fire

Posted on October 31, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

BUXTON, Maine –

A family in Maine who decorated their house far, far too early for Christmas have reportedly lost everything after the lights they placed around their house caught fire, destroying the home in a massive blaze.

The Miller family of 35 Willow Lane in Buxton, Maine, say that every year at this time they decorate their house for the upcoming holiday season.

“Not for Halloween, though, that’s the Devil’s holiday,” said Mary Buxton, 42. “We skip the entire concept of Halloween and go right to Christmas. The beautiful lights, the colors, the fake snow. We love it. We always decorate for Christmas at the end of October.”

According to police, though, this year the Millers’ received a stroke of bad luck, after a string of Christmas lights the family hung outside blew, the sparks causing a fire that destroyed the home.

“Thankfully, no one was injured in the horrific blaze,” said fire chief Mike Pooler. “I will say, though, that this should be a lesson to everyone to not rush into the Christmas spirit. If you are decorating for Christmas now, I am of the opinion your house deserves to burn to the ground. I mean, I tried to save the home, but in the back of my mind I was thinking ‘Burn, you house of Christmas! Burn!'”

The Miller family says they are starting a GoFundMe page to try and raise money to replace the Christmas presents that were already inside the home under their stupid fake tree.

Former Cuban President Fidel Castro Dies In Skydiving Accident

Posted on October 31, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

TRINIDAD, Cuba –

Former prime minister and Cuban president Fidel Castro has been killed, according to reports coming out of Cuba today.

“Mr. Castro was an avid skydiver, and liked to go many times throughout the year,” said a spokesman from within the Cuban government. “He reportedly was not able to deploy his parachute while jumping recreationally in Trinidad.”

Current Cuban president and socialist leader, Raul Castro, said that there will be a memorial service for Fidel Castro on Monday afternoon.

“As the impact to poor old Fidel’s body was too great, there is little to parade through our city squares,” said Raul Castro. “But, we will still be able to remember what a good person he was. Well, you know what I mean. He was okay, right? Anyway, a man has died. It is the only point that you cannot speak poorly of him.”

Fidel Castro, the former communist leader, was 88.

Haunted House Employee Dressed As Jason Voorhees Arrested After Killing 19

Posted on October 31, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

MANCHESTER, New Hampshire –

A haunted house employee at a venue in New Hampshire was arrested after police say the man “snapped,” and murdered 19 people with a machete while they were inside the haunt.

Thomas Richards, 37, was taken into police custody after a haunted house volunteer called 911. They claimed that one of other costumed characters working the event, who was dressed as horror movie character Jason Voorhees, was attacking people with what was supposed to be a fake machete.

“Mr. Richards had apparently swapped out his foam, haunt-provided machete for a real one, and attacked guests as they made their way through the haunted house,” said police chief Mario Colone. “He was able to attack over 30 people, with 19 of them dying from injuries sustained by the machete blows. These attacks took place over a period of 45 minutes, as no one knew the screams inside were real.”

Richards was well liked by his fellow haunt employees, and haunt organizers say that Richards had come back multiple years, with 2015 being his 9th year playing Jason in the haunted house.

“It’s mind-boggling that Thomas would just snap and kill all those people,” said haunted house organizer Christopher Creed. “I don’t know what would make him do it, but it is insane. The scene was bloody and violent. It was so disturbing I cringed. In fact, it was so disturbing, we decided to leave the crime scene the way it is for next year’s haunted house. People will be scared to death!”

Richards is scheduled for arraignment on Thursday. He will be charged with 19 counts of first-degree murder, as well as an additional 15 counts of attempted murder and assault with a deadly weapon. Police say that he faces the death penalty.

Teen Dies In ‘Scared Straight’ Haunted House Run By Christian Church

Posted on October 31, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

TEXARKANA, Texas –

A young boy has reportedly died after visiting one of Texarkana’s Christian-run haunted houses. The “scared straight” haunted houses are a twist on a traditional haunted house, designed to scare people who live a life of sin into walking the path of the righteous, so that upon their death they can get into Heaven.

According to reports in the Texarkana Times, a young boy, Michael Matthews, 13, was so scared about the possibility of going to Hell, that he had a heart attack during the event.

“Our son was a good boy, but he was very scared of burning in eternal hellfire, as he should have been,” said Michael’s mother, Theresa Matthews. “He knew that he needed to walk with Jesus, but he was having a hard time doing so. He masturbated constantly. He didn’t eat his vegetables. He listened to pop music. The devil was in him, so we took him to the Hell House.”

The Hell House is one of many church-run haunted houses in the country, but the first one that was so terrifying that it actually killed someone.

“We are very saddened that our haunted house was too terrifying for one of our guests,” said church spokesman Mary Lambert. “We do design it to scare children, teens, and adults into walking to the light with Jesus. Apparently one such child was such a Hellion, that his own heart couldn’t take it.”

Lambert says that the entire church’s sympathies are with the Michael’s parents as his soul burns in the darkest corners of eternal hell.

New Jersey Elementary School Has Halloween Parties Despite Criticism

Posted on October 30, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

LONGFELLOW, New Jersey –

The Longfellow Elementary School in New Jersey is taking some serious criticism from parents and religious groups, after they sent letters home with students indicating that they would have Halloween parties on Friday whether “parents liked it or not.”

“We have a vast array of students here, and not all of them come from families whose religious or conservative views make them boring, brainless, and complete sticks-in-the-mud,” read the letter written by school administrators. “We’ve had Muslims, Christians, and every other religion asking us to NOT have Halloween parties, and we think that is rubbish. Kids will be kids, and we want them to have some fun during the school day. If you don’t like it, keep your kid home.”

The administration is taking some heat for the move, with many parents saying that they don’t want their kid involved in the “Devil worship” that happens on Halloween.

“Most parents are pretty damn stupid, and that’s what this comes down to,” said school principal John Freemont. “Halloween is about fun for kids. It’s not about the Devil. It’s not about witchcraft. For the kids, it’s about some candy and bobbing for apples. These parents who don’t want their kids to celebrate the holiday don’t have to send their kids to school. Of course if they don’t, they will have to come make up that day at the end of the year.”

Freemont says that any parent who has concerns about the holiday are welcome to call his office, where he says he has an answering machine already rigged up.

“It just tells them to kiss my school’s metaphoric ass,” said Freemont. “No one is taking away the fun from my students. Not even their parents.”

Ebola Virus Making U.S. Resurgence As Virus Spreads Through Tainted Cat Feces

Posted on October 30, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

CHARLOTTE, North Carolina –

The U.S. may be finding itself back in the face of a massive Ebola pandemic. The dreaded disease has found another way into your home, putting cat owners and their families at the most risk.

Makers of bottom shelf cat food, like Special Cat and Furry Friend brands, have long been using the remains of sick Africans to add crude protein and filler to their cat food. While their representatives insist they use the highest quality, disease free remains, at least one person in the U.S. has already been affected from coming into contact with their household cat’s poop.

Jim Reynolds, 29, of Charlotte, North Carolina, is the first confirmed case of cat-contracted Ebola in the United States. “I always bought cheap canned cat food for my cats. Not because I don’t love them, but I figured it didn’t matter. They eat their own shit sometimes, so I figured a can of cat food is a can of cat food. Never thought I’d end up in quarantine. Not even a good TV to watch the game on in here. This sucks a fat one.”

Jim’s neighbor, Jenny Newport, says the increasing fear of cats has caused much tension in her neighborhood. “We’ve got a neighborhood watch for cats now. Everyone’s afraid of cats crapping in their back yards. Personally I like that our town was rat and rodent free from all the feral cats, but for now keep your cats well fed on a high-end food diet, and keep their shit-asses inside for God’s sake! I’m not catching Ebola cause you’re to cheap to spring an extra damn dollar for Friskees.”

Wal-Mart has already begun pulling Special Cat brands, as well as several other ‘dollar brand’ cat foods from their shelves, and millions more cans are expected to be recalled nationwide.

Pregnant women and children are urged to stay away from cat litter and sandboxes, due to an increased risk of exposure to the virus. Cat owners should buy dry food for their cats, and take special precautions when changing litter boxes or handing feces from cats who ate any cheap cat food in the last thirty days.

Mother Arrested For Burning Her 4-Year-Old Child Alive; Claims Toddler Was A Witch

Posted on October 30, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

BRIGHTON, Delaware –

A Delaware mother was arrested and charged with first-degree murder after allegedly tying her 4-year-old child to a stake in their back yard and burning her alive. The mother, Amber Stone, says that she needed to perform the burning because her toddler was showing “witch-like” powers.

“When Julie was a baby, everything was normal, but in the last couple months, she’d been displaying horrible, witch-like attributes,” said Stone in a police interview. “She would cry all the time, and whine. Often times, when she didn’t get her way, things would happen in the house, like a light bulb would burn out or the dog would bark uncontrollably. It was very frightening.”

Stone says that she initially consulted a priest in hopes of getting an exorcism, but she was denied because she was Jewish. In the end, she said her online research led her to believe that her daughter was actually a witch.

“I didn’t believe it at first, but there were entire forums dedicated to it, and Julie was definitely a witch, or was going to become one soon,” said Stone. “I asked users on Reddit what they thought I should do, and they said the only way to free her soul was to burn her alive at the stake, so that’s what I did.”

Police reports indicate that Stone built a small fire pit in her back yard with a long pole in the middle. She reportedly tied up her daughter, wrapped her in a blanket, and doused her with lighter fluid. Police were called when neighbors complained of a “horrific odor” emanating from the Stone’s house.

Amber Stone faces the death penalty for her crime. Lawyers for the defendant say that she has “no chance in Hell” of being found not guilty, and that they barely plan to try and defend her.

President Obama Arrested For Possession of Marijuana While Driving In Maryland

Posted on October 30, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

BALTIMORE, Maryland –

President Obama has reportedly been arrested for joyriding and possession of marijuana while traveling through Maryland on his way back to the White House, according to police reports.

The Baltimore Police Department say they pulled over a black 2015 Ford Ranger that was swerving erratically early Friday morning. Officers were surprised to find President Obama behind the wheel, obviously under the influence of marijuana.

“Our officers pulled over a new, luxury SUV at approximately 3AM Friday morning,” said Baltimore police captain Gary Holmes. “Officer Dan Lewis approached the vehicle, and found President Barack Obama in the driver’s seat. He was alone in the vehicle, and Officer Lewis claims there was an extremely strong odor of marijuana emanating from the cabin of the vehicle.”

According to Officer Lewis’ report, the President did not resit arrest, or put up any sort of argument with officials.

“He was very respectful, and came willingly,” said Officer Lewis. “He was arrested at the scene, and was booked on driving under the influence. A car containing 3 secret service agents arrived minutes after President Obama was stopped, and they, too, were cooperative with the arrest.”

Obama was held overnight and released on bail. According to the White House press secretary, President Obama will pardon himself for the misdemeanor, and will not face any jail time.

‘Dr. Oz Show’ To Air Final Season In 2016; Show Pulled From Syndication Over Controversy

Posted on October 30, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

LOS ANGELES, California –

The Dr. Oz Show, which has run for 6 seasons, is reportedly being pulled from syndication lineups after the 2016 season, according to the show’s producers.

The series, which stars Dr. Mehmet Oz, who got famous appearing on The Oprah Winfrey Show, features Dr. Oz discussing current medical issues, as well as having guest appearances. The series, a favorite amongst old and naive people, held strong ratings for most of its run, although a slew of controversy over the years has dipped ratings.

“The problem is, more than half of what Dr. Oz talks about is just straight-up bullshit,” said Dr. Emmett Brown, a physician in Atlanta. “I am so glad that he is finally being taken off the air. Studies have been done on the lies and misinformation he has spread, and it is painful. His information, which often seems to stem from companies paying to have their products features, could cause people to become violently ill, or even die. It’s amazing he’s lasted this long.”

Dr. Oz reportedly sees himself as an impartial advocate, giving out as much information as he can on different topics, ranging from diabetes to cancer, and everything in between.

“Unfortunately, he doesn’t seem to know much about the topics he covers,” said Dr. Brown. “He is an actual M.D., but I cannot figure out why anyone would listen to his wild misinformed statements. A simple Google search can tell you that 54% of his medical recommendations are not actually supported by fact.”

Producers for the show say that they are actually “relieved” that it will no longer be aired.

“We were in constant fear of some wrongful death lawsuit after a cancer patient gave up treatment to just eat cantaloupe, or whatever nonsense Dr. Oz would spout on the air,” said an anonymous producer. “We’re just really glad we can move on to real entertainment production now, and not crazy medical fiction and company-sponsored medical lies.”

AMA Says They Are Removing Fibromyalgia From Official List of Medical Diagnoses

Posted on October 30, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

CHICAGO, Illinois –

The American Medical Association has released new information about the diagnosis of Fibromyalgia, saying that they no longer believe that the disease actually exists.

“The doctors of the American Medical Association are constantly studying and working to research new and existing conditions, and over the year, Fibromyalgia has been a constant area of strife between medical professionals,” said AMA chairman Dr. Richard Kimball. “While many doctors claim that Fibromyalgia is a real disorder, after decades of study, we have decided to remove it from the official list of medical diagnoses, as research has proven that it does not actually exist.”

Although doctors generally agree that the pain experience by patients diagnosed with Fibromyalgia is very real, the actual reason behind it is not. As muscles, joints, and many other body parts contain a type of “memory,” it is believed now to be past or prior pain, both emotional or actual, physical injury, that causes the extreme discomfort suffered by Fibromyalgia patients.

“Fibromyalgia is basically a cop-out, if you will, for undiagnosable pain,” said Dr. Kimball. “When a doctor cannot find a reasonable explanation for the extreme pain suffered by a patient, they deem it Fibro, and that’s just not right. We need to further examine the causes of these pains. The muscles, the nerves, the bones – they all play a part in our health, as well as our frailty. Writing off phantom pains as a single disease is not only foolish, it could cause further harm to a patient who is not properly treated.”

According to Dr. Kimball, people currently being treated for Fibromyalgia should schedule a new appointment with their physicians and discuss alternative options. Currently, patients who receive disability benefits from the government after being diagnosed with extreme cases of Fibromyalgia will not be affected, although patients currently awaiting benefits will be denied claims.