Flatulent Airline Passenger Forces Emergency Landing

Posted on November 6, 2014 by DvanL

QUEENS, New York –

A Cincinnati, Ohio bound Delta Airlines flight, originating from New York’s LaGuardia Airport, was forced to make an emergency landing this morning, after a ‘violent episode’ occurred moments after takeoff.

The event was officially classified as ‘environmentally hazardous and life threatening’ by an on-board federal air marshal, who filed the following incident report:

A passenger seated near the rear end of the aircraft experienced an intensely violent episode of flatulence as the plane gained altitude. Oxygen masks were deployed and passengers throughout the cabin began to panic. It was determined that the best course of action would be diversion of [the] flight to the nearest airfield for an emergency landing. JFK International was contacted, clearance obtained, and emergency landing took place at 10:42 a.m.

Passenger Mark Theissen, seated behind the offending passenger, provided details.

“The woman in front of me started bouncing up and down right after we took off. I leaned forward and asked her if she was okay, and she said something about ‘her condition.’ The next thing I knew, there was this foul odor and all the masks came down. She turned back to tell me something but her seat snapped back and slammed me in the head. My eyes started burning and I blacked out.”

“People were jumping over their chairs to escape,” said flight attendant Becky Constantine. “My senior attendant went back to make people calm down, but she got stomped in the face! I hid up in the overhead ’til we hit the ground. Delta-Schmelta, I quit!” she said. “I’m going back to my job at Subway where it’s safe.”

The identity of the passenger was determined after the passenger manifest was released to the press. Former showgirl Cyprienne O’Malley, 70, was fingered as the woman responsible for the unfortunate incident.

Doctors call O’Malley’s disorder Gastric Abdominal Systemic Pancolitis (GASP). “GASP makes an already bad situation worse,” says Dr. Paul Hazelton, of New York’s Lenox Hill Hospital. “A sudden change in air pressure causes rapid release, and the path of least resistance is always the anus. The bunghole is Mother Nature’s little whistle-blower.”

“Many people suffer from this disorder, and to hide it is to deny it. I attend a support group called ‘Silence Is Deadly.’ It’s a place where we can all come together and air out our grievances,” said O’Malley. “This whole thing really blew up in my face. If I could take it all back, I would. Next month I’m going to attend the GASP National Convention in Pottstown, but I’m going to take the train.”

No charges were filed against O’Malley, but the airline is asking that she compensates them for damages, and donates an undisclosed amount toward the injured flight attendant’s hospital bills.

Amtrak officials have been notified of O’Malley’s upcoming travel plans.

ESPN Announces All-Nude Women’s Beach Volleyball To Air In 2015

Posted on November 6, 2014 by Abe Abrams

MIAMI, Florida –

In a change that most men say they are very excited to see, ESPN has announced this morning that they will begin coverage of an all-nude women’s volleyball league starting in 2015. The action will take place on a new ESPN pay-per-view channel starting next June, with matches costing $39.95 each.

“ESPN realizes that ratings for beach volleyball peak every four years during the summer Olympics, and lets face it, the only reason people watch is to see girls from Brazil and the Ukraine in skimpy bikinis,” said ESPN announcer Kurt Kramer. “It’s safe to say Americans don’t even consider beach volleyball a real sport. It’s just T&A. In an effort to give viewers want they want, and to increase revenue for the network, of course, in 2015 we will air the All-Nude Women’s Beach Volleyball. Some of the biggest names in the sport have already signed on, and are looking forward to showing the world their skills and assets.”

”This is an outrage. Women already have to put up with sexist comments coming from the fans all the time. I don’t think I have ever been at an event without a ‘Nip Slip’ chant coming from the animals in the stands,” said Jane Jensen, 2012 volleyball silver medalist. “I for one will be sitting out the 2015 season in protest, and I am disappointed that many of my fellow American Olympians have been signing up – although I was not surprised to hear the Ukraine sluts were raring to go.”

“This is great! Women’s beach volleyball may become bigger than football,” said Mark Miller, an avid sports fan and ESPN viewer. ”Let’s face it – women’s sports are a joke, but this is a game changer. I would even watch women’s golf if they were nude. I don’t care that it’s on pay-per-view at forty bucks a pop, I’ll watch the shit out of volleyball now. I can’t wait for the season to start. The U.S. girls tend to be flat chested, so right now I would think the Brazil and Ukraine teams will have the upper hand in the games.”

When informed that the size of their breasts had nothing to do with the scoring during the matches, Miller went on to say “Yeah, whatever. Tittays, FTW!”

Colorado Residents Vote To Legalize Prostitution Throughout The State

Posted on November 5, 2014 by Abe Abrams

BOULDER, Colorado –

The people of Colorado overwhelmingly passed amendment P-69, better known as the ‘Freedom To Work Act’, yesterday afternoon in state voting. The little known amendment had not seen much press, and the politicians that sponsored the amendment have no idea how it got on the ballot.

“Potter and I wrote the amendment at a bachelor party as a joke, we were both pretty drunk and at the time and it was getting annoying proving to the girls we weren’t cops,” said Rep. Brian Brown. “Apparently, though, the people have spoken – or in this case voted, and amendment P-69 has legalized prostitution in the great state of Colorado. The only two possibilities are the name of the amendment was deceiving and people had no idea what they were voting for, or 87% of Coloradan’s are in favor or prostitution. This is why I urged people not to vote stoned.”

It’s going to nice not having to worry about getting arrested anymore. One of my friends is getting t-shirts made that say, ‘I’m a Prostitute – ask for prices!'” said working girl Havana Humphrey. “Me, I’m going to set up a business in my house, it will be just like a doctor’s office with a waiting room and magazines, except instead of anal probes and cancer screenings, we’ll give blowjobs. Actually, on second thought, we’ll give anal probes, too. That costs extra though.”

“I had no idea, amendment P-69 sounded good, I mean ‘freedom,’ ‘work,’ – those are good things, right?” asked Wilma Wilson, an 89-year-old retired nurse.”I had no idea it was about prostitution, this state is going to hell in a hand basket, I tell ya. First the marijuana and now this – what’s next, public nudity? I’m packing up and moving to Florida where people still have some good sense.”

‘Turkey Drought’ Expected To Cause Prices To Skyrocket This Thanksgiving

Posted on November 5, 2014 by Chip

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

An official statement has been released this morning by the Department of Agriculture, confirming that the United States is in the midst of what could only be called a ‘turkey drought.’

According to the spokesperson, the United States receives the majority of its turkeys manufactured for consumption from various states throughout the Midwest. The spokesperson confirmed that turkeys have been dying by the thousands over the last 4 months from a virus that only affects land birds, and has been appropriately dubbed The Foul Flu.

The flu has been claiming the lives of turkeys since late July 2014, however the epidemic has not been brought to the public’s attention until now because the Department of Agriculture did not want to cause a massive panic before the biggest turkey-eating holidays of the year.

“Look, the bottom line is that if your family typically eats turkey for Thanksgiving you may want to plan on foregoing the classic holiday bird this year,” USDA spokesperson Larry Carmichael said in a statement this morning. “Turkey prices are going to skyrocket as the holiday approaches. We’re going to be looking at prices upwards of 7 times higher than what we are used to, so it won’t be out of question to see Butterball Turkeys going for $100 – $120.”

The Department of Agriculture is warning citizens to be highly cautious if they decide to purchase a turkey this month, as they are concerned some unscrupulous stores may decide to sell counterfeit turkeys.

“If the price appears to be too good to be true, it probably is,” said Carmichael.

In response to this morning’s news surrounding the upcoming turkey shortage, the government has released an official statement asking lower-class citizens to just plan on eating chicken this Thanksgiving.

“We can’t make it mandatory that our citizens within the lower tax brackets eat chicken instead of turkey this year, however the reality of the situation is that a with the supply dwindling, a warm turkey dinner is a luxury that should be reserved for the elite, wealthy, and worthy,” said Carmichael. “We plead with our citizens to leave the purchasing of turkeys to those that can comfortably afford it.”

Experts speculate that the classic Thanksgiving turkey dinner should be able to happen again by 2016, once they have eradicated the disease.

U.S. Health Department Says Starbucks Coffee More Addicting Than Crack

Posted on November 2, 2014 by Chip

SALT LAKE CITY, Utah –

A recent study conducted by the US Health Department shows Starbucks coffee is more addicting than crack cocaine.

Derek Whistleton, a U.S. Health Department representative, sat down for an interview with the local D.C. newspaper Presidential Times, where he said that the Health Department gathered data for the study over the course of 26 months. “We really wanted to ensure we took the time to gather adequate and conclusive data, this was no fly-by-night operation.”

When asked what data was gathered and studied over the 26 month period, Whistleton replied “It’s simple, it can all be tracked by units consumed, and industry profits.”

“We used Salt Lake City, Utah as our test demographic and gathered all information used in the study from the patterns of Starbucks coffee and crack cocaine use by the citizens of Salt Lake City.”

When asked why they decided to base their entire study regarding the addictiveness of crack compared to coffee in a seemingly mild-mannered city such as Salt Lake City Whistler replied, “We wanted to ensure we had a completely random sample demographic so we decided to pick a city out of hat and drew Salt Lake City, Utah”

According to the study, the citizens of Salt Lake City consumed Starbucks coffee 99.99% more frequently than crack. “We were amazed at the results of our findings. The addictiveness of crack didn’t even hold a candle to that of Starbucks.”

According to the Salt Lake City Police Department’s records, crack is turning an estimated profit of $600,000 per year. Starbucks however is a billion dollar industry in Salt Lake City.

“Thousands of Salt Lake City housewives are spending upwards of $1300 a month on Starbucks coffee, and people just are not spending that much money on crack, period, case closed,” said Whistler. “We are actually wondering if it’s possible that Starbucks is actually putting a highly addictive substance, like crack, into their coffee in the first place. I mean, people aren’t drinking Starbucks coffee because it tastes good, that’s for sure. It was also explain the exorbitant prices they charge.”

The surprising part of this study, according to Whistler, was that Starbucks addiction is universal amongst all social classes. “We even asked a homeless man in downtown Salt Lake City if he wanted some crack and he grinned, raised his Starbucks cup in the air, and said ‘I’ve got my crack right here.’”

NYC Mayor Bill de Blasio Bans Smoking On City Streets

Posted on October 31, 2014 by Abe Abrams

NEW YORK, New York –

At a press conference earlier today, NYC Mayor Bill de Blasio announced that he would be banning smoking in public areas, including city streets.

”Let me read you the definition of litter,” said de Blasio. “Litter consists of waste products that have been disposed improperly, without consent, at an inappropriate location. Ladies and gentlemen it is with that definition I am banning cigarette, cigar, and pipe smoking on city streets in all five boroughs. Second hand smoke is litter, make no mistake. If I could declare cigarettes illegal I would but I can take steps to make sure no one on city streets has to see or breathe in their poisonous fumes.”

James Jenson, Philip Morris spokesman commented on the new ban, saying ”I don’t have much to say at this time, we were only just giving a copy of the press release and our legal team is just now looking it over. What I can say is that Philip Morris is this nation’s leading manufacturer of cigarettes, and we go to great lengths putting people’s health before profit. We will continue to make the very best cigarettes and we will continue to fight for a persons right to enjoy a smoke wherever they are.”

”It’s getting ridiculous, first Bloomberg tells us we can’t drink big gulps and now this new idiot is telling me I can’t have a smoke on the street,” said avid smoker Carmine Classi of Brooklyn. “I can’t smoke at work, the wife won’t let me smoke in the house, I’m getting treated like a second class citizen.”

“Smoking kills more people each year than all other illegal drugs combined, and cigarettes are a drug peddled by corporations, for what? For profit, that’s what,” said de Blasio. “They are selling death for profit. As of November 1st, the smoking ban will go into effect in New York. Initially, there will be a fine of $50 dollars for the first offense, and a $100 dollar fine for all offenses after that. All proceeds from the fines will go directly to rebuilding inner city parks and playgrounds.”

Trojan Creates New ‘Juniors’ Condom Line For Pre-Teen Market

Posted on October 29, 2014 by Abe Abrams

PRINCETON, New Jersey –

Trojan Condoms announced a new, smaller sized condom yesterday, one they say they are specifically marketing to sexually active pre-teens. The company says they are trying to acknowledge the fact that kids are slipping it in each other at younger and younger ages, and wants everyone to be protected.

“It’s a sign of the world we live in today, children younger and younger are having sex and they have the same risk as adults of contracting STDs and unwanted pregnancies,” said CEO Bill Blass. “We at Trojan see this as a huge potential market, so today we announce our new line of ‘Trojan Juniors.’ These condoms will live up to the same strict quality assurances as our adult condoms, but will be sized to fit young men in the 7 to 12-year-old range. Plus, each box will have cartoon illustrations showing the correct way to wear, and use, our Trojan Juniors.”

“It’s about time!” Said Planned Parenthood spokesperson Lisa Levin. “This has been a big need for ages. The number of pre-teen pregnancies is going through the roof, as evident by MTV’s new hit show 12 and Pregnant. We at the Planned Parenthood organization will make sure that Trojan Juniors are made readily available at all elementary and middle schools that we can as soon as possible.”

Aside from children, Blass says that Trojan Juniors will be beneficial to ‘smaller’ men, who never had a place to turn when it came to proper fit and size. Larry Lynn, President of the Wee Man Club of Houston, said “I look forward to trying Trojan Juniors, personally. I just pre-ordered a dozen of the ribbed ones. It will be nice to have a condom that doesn’t fall off during sex, because I can assure you, not everything is bigger in Texas.”

“Down the line, the brand may feature licensed characters and celebrities including Spongebob Squarepants and Justin Bieber on the condoms themselves,” said Blass. “We’ve really got a good feeling about the future of this new product, and we’re really looking forward to it all coming together.”

Not to be outdone by a competing brand, Durex announced early this morning a new line of smaller condoms as well, conveniently named Durex Minis. Both brands expect to have their new products to market by December.

KFC Employee Kicks Child With Down Syndrome Out Of Restaurant, Says He Thought It Was Policy

Posted on October 25, 2014 by Chip

OAKSHARE, North Carolina –

This past Tuesday, Darnell Washington, a KFC employee in Oakshare, North Carolina forced Kaleb Brimmley, an 8-year-old boy suffering from Down Syndrome to leave the Oakshare KFC without finishing his food.

Darnell claims that he thought it was within the employee handbook to kick out any patrons that are disfigured or have any sort of affliction that could cause other restaurant goers distraction.

Darnell told the media: “I remember seeing something all over the internet a couple of months ago about a little disfigured girl getting kicked out of KFC, and assumed it was protocol. It’s not like I wanted to kick that boy out, it was awkward and I had to build up the courage to do it because I am a company man and wanted to demonstrate my ability to do the right thing.”

The incident Darnell references in which a disfigured girl was asked to leave a KFC due to her deformities being a distraction to other patrons has since been uncovered as a hoax.

It has been confirmed by his management team that Darnell did not solicit advice or direction from his supervisor before acting. “No, I never bothered to ask them. I wanted to step up and prove to my manager, Dave, that I have what it takes to be the next shift lead!”

Patrons dining at the popular chain restaurant that night claim that Kaleb was politely eating his chicken with what appeared to be his mother and grandmother, and was not doing anything to cause a scene. One patron told the media “The boy was not doing anything to distract the other guests; I mean it was obvious there was something different about him, you could tell, of course. I don’t think anyone even complained about it. Why would they? He was just eating his chicken, but I’m pretty sure that is what they want you to do there.”

“KFC loves all their patrons, and it is definitely not in our company policy to ask any patron to leave because of physical or mental deformity,” said Harland Sanders, CEO of KFC. “We have never done that. The young girl who made national news after supposedly being asked to leave has since been debunked as a hoax that went viral. I guess in the end, the lesson we should teach our employees is that you shouldn’t believe everything you read on the internet.”

It is unclear if this incident will result in Darnell’s employment at KFC to be terminated. It was reported that soon after the story broke and first received media attention, KFC’s Facebook profile was briefly changed to the “feeling annoyed” emoticon, however it hasn’t been confirmed that the status update was an acknowledgment of the incident.

New NBA ‘Fairness’ Rule Forcing Teams To Have White Player On Court At All Times

Posted on October 23, 2014 by JP

NEW YORK CITY, New York –

With the thoughts of racism and Donald Sterling still fresh in the minds of the NBA and its fans, a new rule change is trying to make a better case for equality in the organization. According to insiders, officials from the NBA held a meeting late Wednesday evening, and have decided on a new rule for next season.

The rule, which is being called ‘Sighting,’ refers to each team having at least one white player on the court at all times. According to reports, the NBA franchise owners have found it not fair to have all African-Americans players at one time, and wanted to create a basis for which every team would forced to have at least one white person on a team constantly playing.

“I know it seems crazy, but we have found that this may be the fairest way to going about this,” said a team owner who would only speak to us anonymously. “Race has become a big issue in our sport this year, and we knew we needed to make a change in this situation. Now, we know that the fans would rather see guys slamming in dunks and having exciting games, but in order to calm race issues in our sport, we are going to have to settle with seeing 5 foot-nothing white players barely get in a lay up now and again.”

The new rule will take effect in the 2015 NBA season, which will also force some NBA teams to draft a few new white players. According to the rule changes, any team that does not have an active white player on their roster, and on the court during play, could end up fined.

iPhone App ‘Guber’ Combines Ride-Sharing, Hook-Up Services For Gay Men

Posted on October 23, 2014 by Chip

SAN FRANSISCO, California –

Every day, tech companies and hungry entrepreneurs are launching new smartphone apps that promise more effective ways to manage your daily tasks. The app marketplace is so over-saturated that very few new ones receive media attention.

An exception to this rule is a new app called Guber (pronounced goober), that is currently available for iOS. Guber was created by millionaire entrepreneur Albert E. Fletcher, who is a self-acclaimed ‘social observationalist’ that claims he has had a ‘strong grasp on what the people really need, since 1945.’

Fletcher explains the app as a hybrid between Uber, a popular ride-sharing app, and Grinder, a popular ‘hook-up’ app available on most smartphones.

“This new app is designed to make it possible for homosexuals everywhere to knock out 2 birds with 1 gay stone, so to speak,” said Fletcher. Similar to Uber, Fletchers app will connect gay men that are in need of a ride with other gay men that are using their personal vehicles as a taxi cab. The big difference is that with Guber, the driver will be required to give his passenger a handjob.

According to Fletcher, the business model is a win/win for everyone involved. “Gay males are overly sexual creatures by nature; not only will Guber allow the gays to get from points A to B, it will also allow them to release their sexual energy at a fraction of the price of an upscale bathhouse. It’s also a win for the straight population, as it will certainly curb some of the rampant PDGA, or ‘Public Displays of Gay Affection.'”

“Our app gives gay men the chance to earn extra money on their own time and, of course, do what they do best,” Fletcher assured users. “Er, not that I would know they do it best, it’s just what I’ve heard. Anyway, the safety of the drivers and of the passengers is Guber’s number one priority. We NEVER require anyone to do anything they are uncomfortable with. They can participate in more intimate sex acts for a larger tip if they wish, however they are never required to do anything other than the standard ol’ fashioned we offer with every ride.”

Though Fletcher himself identifies as straight, he claims to have a deep understanding and connection to the gay community. “I even has a gay nephew that I occasionally will see at family functions,” said Fletcher.

The homosexual community as a whole is naturally upset by the app, and is calling Guber and its creator ignorant, offensive, and extremely exploitive. So far, the app is only available for the San Francisco area, and has a total of 3 users. Plans to expand the app to a more nationwide audience are pending.