Miss Cleo Diagnosed With Terminal Illness

Posted on December 24, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

LOS ANGELES, California –

Youree Dell Harris, better known as Miss Cleo, has been out of the limelight since her phone service was shut down in 2002. Except for voicing the character of Auntie Poulet in Grand Theft Auto: Vice City, her career in the public eye has all but died out. Still, she was beloved by insomniacs who were lulled to sleep by her commercials, and she hopes her fans will donate to her Gofundme campaign.

“I saw it [my illness] in the cards, so it aint no surprise to Auntie Cleo. Of course I thought it’d be the cancer like took me momma, not that damnable lupus. My soul will be at peace with my time on earth as long as I can spend my last days in luxury,” says Harris on her GoFundMe page.

Cleo feels she was cheated by the company who ran her “Call Me Now” phone service, making millions off her likeness. “My destiny in this life was a mansion, not this shithole apartment they got me in now. They cheated me. They cheated my soul. They stole my destiny.”

The Miss Cleo organization was investigated for fraud in the late 90s, and the company she was the spokesman for was forced to shut down.

“Miss Cleo is gonna die? Well hell, ain’t that a bitch,” said one Miss Cleo caller, who was taken for over $3,000 in 1-900 toll charges. “She told me I was going to get very rich someday, and instead, I had to pay out the ass for the calls. They should have called her Miss Clepto the way she screwed everybody.”

Tree That Resembles Nude Woman Will Reportedly Get You Pregnant If You Touch It

Posted on December 18, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

BILLINGS, North Carolina –

A tree that has stood in the Westfield Park in Billings, North Carolina for over 80 years is reportedly one of the most incredible trees in the world. While most trees just give life through oxygen, this specific tree can apparently give a completely different kind of life, as women who have visited and touched the tree have reported immediate instance of pregnancy.

“It was the strangest thing, honestly,” said Marsha Smith, 22. “My boyfriend and I visited the tree, and we were sitting underneath. He commented how crazy it was that it looked like a nude woman, and that he was strangely turned on by it. One thing lead to another, and we went at it right there under the tree. Anyway, before we left, I walked over and put my hand on the tree, and a few weeks later I found out I was pregnant!”

Other women have also reported that they too were impregnated by the tree, which locals have dubbed “The Tree of Life.”

“I went up to the Tree of Life, and I touched her and said a silent prayer that maybe I could get pregnant,” said Eileen Dover, 24. “My husband and I had been trying for over a year, and no go. I went home that day and felt a little ill, so I took a pregnancy test, and it was positive. My husband and I hadn’t had sex in like a week, so I know it wasn’t him that got me pregnant. Sperm doesn’t last that long in your body, so it was truly a miracle!”

Researchers say that the tree itself is probably not magical in any way, and that women just need to better understand how babies are made.

New Breed of Extremely Miniature Dogs Being Used As Perfumes, Colognes

Posted on December 18, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASILLA, Alaska –

A new breed of extremely miniature dogs that has been popular in Japan for over a decade has made its way to the United States, and consumers are going crazy for them. The MiniMuffs breed is generally less than 3 inches long and weighs a mere 6 ounces, but its not their cute size that makes them a hot commodity.

“Oh my God, their saliva smells incredible,” said Marlene Hendrix, 46. “I bought 3 MiniMuffs the second I heard they were on sale in the US, and I’ve used up two of them already. They’re expensive, about $600 per MiniMuff, but their spit is the greatest cologne or perfume you’ve ever smelled.”

According to the USDA and the American Breeders Association, MiniMuffs has a special enzyme in their saliva that makes it smell incredible.

“To be honest, the smell is not something that you can put into words, but just know that it’s like every amazing thing you’ve ever smelled rolled into one, making that the greatest smell ever,” said ABA spokesman Georgia Mitchell. “Normally we would not recommend breeding a dog strictly to use in this manner, but to be honest, it’s just too good of a smell.”

Mitchell says that currently, people can “use up” the dogs after a couple of months, and normally they are simply discarded.

“Oh yeah, I mean, it’s sad that eventually they dry out,” said Hendrix. “I mean, I wish you could just get one and it lasts forever, but that’s not the case. Like I said, I went through two already. When they dry out, they just die, and I have just been putting them down the garbage disposal. It keeps that smelling super fresh, too.”

World’s Most Pierced Person Dies Going Through Airport Metal Detector

Posted on December 16, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

LOS ANGELES, California –

In one of the most bizarre deaths, the Guinness Book of World Record’s ‘most pierced person,’ Gerard M. Rogers, was killed as he attempted to go through a metal detector in Los Angeles’ LAX airport. According to reports, Rogers’ face was completely ripped from his body as soon as he entered the machine.

“We had warned him not to go through, but he said that it should be fine, and that he’s gone through them before,” said LAX spokesman Joey Goldsmith. “I have no idea if he was lying, if this was a suicide, or what the real story is. Regardless, when Mr. Rogers walked through the metal detector, his entire face was peeled off as the piercings ripped out, attracted to the machine.”

Goldsmith says that LAX, and other airports as well, will begin a strict “no piercings” policy for people who go through the metal detector.

“From here on out, any crazy, overly-pierced people will have to get the pat down. It’s just too much of a mess to clean up,” said Goldsmith. “Next time you’re traveling, please, God – just remove the piercings or take a pat down.”

New, Rare Species of Flesh-Eating Shark-Bird Discovered in Costa Rica

Posted on December 16, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

COBANA, Costa Rica –

A newly discovered, extremely rare species of shark and bird was discovered in Costa Rica late last week, after a nature photographer was able to capture the hybrid in pictures.

The new species, which scientists are dubbing a Shird, appeared in several photographs taken by the photographer, Joe Goldsmith, but so far has yet to be captured in the wild.

“We can tell by its teeth and face that it is, in fact, a bird that will eat meat – it’s definitely carnivorous,” said research scientist Joel Mitchell. “Judging from the photographs, we estimate the bird to be approximately the size of a large Vampire Bat, with a wingspan of about 3 feet.”

So far, Goldsmith has said that he has not been able to find another example of the bird in the wild, although he adamantly claims that he did not photoshop the image.

“No way, I don’t even know how to use a computer,” said Goldsmith. “That picture is as genuine as they come. I’m just glad that he didn’t swoop in and try to eat me or something!”

Teenager Kills Parents With Machete After They Deny Him Dessert

Posted on December 15, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

SASAFRASS, Mississippi –

A 19-year-old boy was arrested on Monday morning after calling 911 to report that he had murdered his parents.

“I hacked up my parents with a machete,” said the caller via the emergency number. “They pissed me off. They’ll never piss me off again.”

Police say that the teen, whose identity has not yet been released, was peacefully arrested in his home.

“When we arrive on the scene, the parents were everywhere,” said police chief Joel Clarke. “Pieces of mom here, chunks of dad there. It was a ghastly nightmare. The teen was busy taking pictures of himself holding the machete and posing menacingly. He was arrested with no incident.”

“They wouldn’t let me have any fucking cheesecake for dessert,” said the teen, who weighs over 300 pounds. “They were trying to help me ‘lose weight,’ yet they’re stuffing their fat faces with food right in front of me. They deserved it. They’ll be losing weight in hell, now.”

The teen faces first degree murder charges. In the state of Mississippi, he will likely receive the death penalty if convicted.

TIME Magazine Names Justin Bieber’s Penis ‘Person of the Year’

Posted on December 15, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

LOS ANGELES, California –

In a year that had so many extremely exciting events and focused on so many important people – from Caitlyn Jenner’s “courageous” speeches, to President Obama finishing his final term in office, TIME Magazine has narrowed done the list of the Person of the Year to one person – or rather, one part of one person.

TIME has said that they have named Justin Bieber’s penis as their Person of the Year 2015. This comes only months after Beiber’s member made its first public appearance.

“I’m extremely honored that my penis has been named Person of the Year,” said Beiber. “I kind of figured when I walked around naked outside my hotel room that people would take pictures, but I never thought I’d have so many great honors associated with it, such as this Person of the Year distinction, or all the offers of having it molded for dildos.”

Bieber says that although the honor is very important to both him and his penis, he will not be allowing it to be photographed for the cover.

“I have nothing against TIME magazine or their photographers, and I’m grateful the think my dick is this important – I know I certainly agree with them – but I need my member to have pics taken at only certain times, and I just don’t think right now is one of them.”

Homeless Man Found In Walmart Storage Room With Over 50 Dead Bodies, Many Of Them Skinned

Posted on December 12, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

DECATUR, Alabama –

A homeless man, who has yet to be identified, was arrested on Friday after a Walmart store employee found him hiding in the store’s old storage room. Police found over 50 bodies in various states of decomposition in the storage room as well, many of them fully skinned.

“We believe that this man, who will not give us his name and who does not appear to be in our systems, moved into the storage room of the local Walmart almost 2 years ago, after the store was remodeled,” said police captain Joe Goldsmith. “So far, we have identified several of the victims, but will not be releasing names until the families are notified.”

The homeless man, who local papers are calling The Skinner, reportedly had been living in the Walmart for years, but went unnoticed as a remodel of the building had boarded up a segment of the old warehouse and storage room.

“There was no way into the storage room from the inside of the store, and the outside was covered by brush and trees that had been planted or grown wild over time,” said the store manager, Jim Carson. “It appears this man was able to move in and out of the building without being seen by using this door, which was not connected to our alarm systems.”

According to police, they are charging the man with first degree murder, in a total count of 56 cases, although they are still determining the total number of bodies discovered. Medical examiners say that most of the victims were between 14 and 25 years old.

Teen Girl Dies While Masturbating, Parents Blame ‘Extremely Large Dildo’

Posted on December 12, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

TOPEKA, Kansas –

A 16-year-old girl was found dead in her home late Friday evening, apparently suffering from a heart attack while masturbating. Her parents, who would only give their first names, Joe and Carol, say they found their daughter, who they wish to not name, after they returned from their anniversary dinner.

“[Name redacted] knew she wasn’t supposed to use her mother’s big, black double-ender, and we’d never thought she’d sneak into our room and take it,” said Joe. “We didn’t really want to bring it up to her, because it’s embarrassing. I’d give anything to go back in time now, and tell her not to use such a big one. She wasn’t ready for that yet.”

“I’ve had so many more years of getting torn up, that really, I needed one that big to even feel it,” said Carol, who claims the dildo was around 9 inches or so in circumference. “[Name Redacted] was just a young girl. She shouldn’t have been taking one so big. It was too much, and her heart couldn’t take it.”

Joe and Carol say that they want their story to be a lesson to all parents, and that talking to your children about the dangers of excessively large sexual toys should be mentioned in the initial “birds and the bees” talk.

“Please, don’t feel ashamed or embarrassed to talk to your kids,” said Joe. “They need to know that sometimes, a penis – real or fake – is just too damn big.”

Sexy Woman Makes Fortune Bottling Her Sweat, Selling It To Lonely Men

Posted on December 12, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

JAMAICA PLAIN, Massachusetts –

A former aerobics instructor, Jasmine Smith, says she has made over $1 million dollars after she started a business bottling her own sweat and selling it online.

“To be honest, I don’t know what the people who purchase it are using it for, and I don’t really ask,” said Smith, 24. “It all started after a private workout lesson I was giving a few years ago. The guy who paid for the lesson pulled me aside after, and asked if he could take my sweaty towels and clothes. I was super hesitant at first, but he paid me $400 for them, so I let it go.”

Smith says after that, the man visited several more times, and began paying higher figures.

“After that, I just sort of took to the internet to see if this was something I could do all the time. Turns out, there’s a big market for the sweat of sexy young women,” says Smith.

Reportedly starting her ‘business’ on the website Reddit, Smith says that she has about 300 “very dedicated” customers who buy her bottled sweat, old towels, workout clothes, and underwear.

“I will keep doing this as long as I can, as long as the men think I’m sexy enough to buy my sweat,” said Smith. “At this rate, I’ve already paid off my college loans, my car, and put down a large payment on a new house. The sweat has really been sweet.”