Man Arrested for Eating Bald Eagle

Posted on May 11, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

DALLAS, Texas –

Texans are calling for the death penalty for a man accused of disrespecting America in the worst possible way, shooting and eating a bald eagle.

Larry Tucker says the eagle asked for it. “Damn bird kept picking off my chickens so I shot it. A man has a right to protect his livestock from predators.”

Arrested under the Eagle Protection act, Tucker expected to be fined for poaching and sent on his way. Because he admitted to broiling the bird, he now faces additional charges. Although his lawyer advises him there is no way he will actually get the death penalty, the public outrage against him has really hurt Tucker’s feelings.”

“I’m not un-American. Got a flag on my front porch like everybody else. I’ve always liked to try different meats, and it would have been a waste if I didn’t eat the damn thing. I truly regret it. Damn thing didn’t even taste good.”

Man Has Glass Bong Slide Removed from Urethra

Posted on May 11, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

DENVER, Colorado –

Don’t let your half-baked idea land you in the hospital. Mica Dorsey required emergency surgery to remove glass that had broken off in his urethra.

The man admitted to it was not the first time he engaged in “urethral play,” which is a fetish involving insertion of hard or soft objects into the urethra during masturbation. Dorsey’s object of choice was a glass bong slide.

After applying pressure to his shaft he felt a sharp pain followed by blood. Upon removing the glass tube he realized the end had shattered, and amazingly was able to drive himself to the hospital.

Although most people would be too ashamed to admit this publically, Dorsey talks openly about his experience. “People do a lot of shit behind closed doors, and I just want anyone thinking about doing this to know the dangers. I don’t want to see this happening to anyone else, and no I wasn’t even stoned, actually.”

Stephen Hawking Sex Tape Reportedly Leaked To Internet

Posted on May 10, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

LONDON, England –

It seems anyone can be an object of sexual desire, with fetishes ranging from watching morbidly obese people eat, to enjoying girls urinating on hairy backs. Now there is something even hotter making its way around the internet, as paralyzed physicist Stephen Hawking’s intimate sex tape has reportedly been leaked.

In the 20-minute video, Stephen’s classic computer voice rattles off a whole list of things he wants done to him while a group of extremely bored-looking girls perform various sexual acts, including grinding his paralyzed legs, sucking his toes, and burying his face between their breasts.

Although Hawking is not able to achieve an erection, there is a pronounced twinkle in the physicist’s eyes throughout the video.

A close friend of Stephen explains, “He’s still a man, even though he suffers from ALS, and he wasn’t always paralyzed. He knows what he’s missing, and some part of him wants a taste of it. Even though he is unable to feel, he is able to imagine the sensations. It’s amazing he has lived passed seventy in his condition, and at this point in his life, it’s time to live out his fantasies before it’s too late.”

Vivid Entertainment, known for releasing celebrity sex tapes, says that they have “absolutely no interest” in purchasing and releasing the Hawking sex tape, as it’s just “too out there,” for their regular customers.

Toddler Overdoses On Pop-Tart Pastries

Posted on May 10, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

CARLSON, Texas –

Parents of Ricky Frappier never thought the boy’s favorite snack could be deadly. The 6-year-old boy allegedly got into the snack cabinet at nine in the morning on Friday before his parents had woken up. His mother, Celina, found him unconscious on the kitchen floor surrounded by more than twenty pop-tart wrappers and a mess of uneaten crust.

Celina promptly called 911, and EMTs suspected he had gone into a diabetic coma. “We didn’t know he even had the diabetes. Sure he was a little husky like me and his dad, but I figured a growth spurt was bound to clear that right up.” Social workers are concerned that he did not have a healthy diet, and Ms. Frappier has agreed to attend voluntary nutrition classes.

“What was I supposed to do, starve him? All he’ll eat is chicken nuggets, french fries, hot dogs, toast, and Pop-Tarts. I can’t stand it when he screams, so I just end up feedin’ him what he likes. Things are changing once he gets outta the hospital though. You bet your ass they are.”

The boy’s father, Bucky Rogers, says he’s seen this kind of thing before, but did not know it could happen to his son. “Had I known I would’ve put a pad lock on that damn snack cabinet. It’s like this goat we had when I was a kid. It got into its feed and just kept eating till he died. We usually sleep till noon, and Ricky makes his own breakfast. I’m just glad Celina found him when she did. From now on, I’m keeping the snacks out of his reach so he doesn’t end up dead.”

Young Man Kills Dog After It Eats His MAGIC Card Collection

Posted on May 10, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

LEXINGTON, Georgia –

29-year-old Paul Hunter now finds himself imprisoned after killing the family dog in a fit of rage. Paul says the dog got into his bedroom and chewed a binder full of rare Magic the Gathering Cards, worth thousands of dollars.

“Of course Shadow didn’t touch the binder full of more common rares. He went right for my foil Mox Ruby. I had a plateau, limited edition, Ancestral Recall. When I saw they were all chewed up, I just blacked out.”

Hunter’s stepfather, Matt Smith called police after tackling Hunter and prying a metal bat from hands.

“Sick kid was basing my dog’s brains out. I couldn’t believe it. I told his mother he needed to get the hell out of the house, but of course she couldn’t make him leave- or even get a steady job for that matter. He had delusions about going pro-nerd or something. Never was gonna happen.”

Hunter explains his actions. “They were not just cards! It was not just some baseball collection. It was my future. I’ve won a bunch of tournaments at Spellbound. I was just waiting to win a qualifier, and I was going pro. Traveling the pro-circle was going to be my career. I was going to see the world. With Magic you gotta pay to play, though, so without those cards in my arsenal, I was screwed.”

Hunter now finds himself even more screwed, facing up to two years in prison, without a soft place to land whenever he does get out. Stepfather, Matt says, “No way that psycho’s coming back into my house after this one. He’s lucky his mother even comes to visit him.”

New Internet Browser Lets You Block News About Kanye West

Posted on May 8, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

SILICON VALLEY, California –

A software designer has created the world’s first internet browser that will automatically detect and block any news or reference made to Kanye West, the rapper/producer/jerkoff whose antics always seem to make national headlines.

“Honestly, I was just so sick of reading his ridiculous quotes and seeing his ugly, asshole frown,” said engineer Marcus Day. “There are apps out there you can get to block this or that keyword or image, but they rarely work, because they focus on too many things to block. My browser blocks one thing, and one thing only – Kanye West.”

Day says that he began work on the browser a couple of years ago after Kanye interrupted Taylor Swift at the Grammy awards.

“I couldn’t believe this big dumb asshole comes running up on stage, ruining her moment,” said Day. “I don’t really care about Taylor Swift, but I do care about morons ruining things. If he was anyone else, he’d have been arrested for a stunt like that. Instead, nothing happens except that he gets more attention and some ridicule. It needs to stop.”

Days browser will automatically block any reference to West’s name, as well has his image, from appearing anywhere on the internet as you browse.

“Social media, especially, makes a big deal about him. It’s sickening. So now, you can download WestAway and surf the net happily, with no mention of Kanye West whatsoever,” said Day. “Also, if you use the browser for several years, and West finally is no longer relevant, the browser can easily be updated to block out any mention of the next obnoxious asshole who the media starts fellating.”

Marvel Having Hard Time Finding Good Quote About ‘Avengers’ For Marketing Materials

Posted on May 8, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

HOLLYWOOD, California –

Normally after a massive launch of a new film, the studio will find critics or reviewers who have said good things about their film, and use quotes to further market their movie. It is not uncommon to see new TV spots featuring these quotes, such as “AMAZING! – says New York Times” during prominent primetime viewing hours, urging people to see the movie.

According to an anonymous insider, though, Marvel Entertainment is having a very difficult time finding any positive reviews to use in new marketing for Avengers: Age of Ultron.

“Normally, we’d have at least one critic who said it was ‘Awesome’ or ‘Amazing’ or whatever other generic adjective, and we could put that in a new TV ad or on some new posters, but we can’t find anyone who likes this movie,” said the anonymous source. “All the major reviews are coming in, and they’re all pretty blah. It’s not going to look very good if a new TV ad comes out, and it says ‘Go see Age of Ultron – It’s okay!”

Marvel has not commented publicly on the fact that they have no good reviews of their film, but many fans have noticed that there may be something up.

“Normally I drive by this giant billboard on the way to work, and there’s always an ad for the latest movie,” said Chicago resident Mario Levi. “Today there was an Avengers ad, but instead of the normal critics reviews, it just said ‘THE MOVIE WAS SO COOL! – @AvengersLover on Twitter.’ I don’t know who that is, but I’m guess he’s not a famous critic. I think I’ll save my fifteen bucks and watch it on Netflix in a couple months.”

Avengers: Age of Ultron opened in theatres May 1st, and is expected to have decent box office returns, without coming anywhere near the level of the first film.

Ryan Adams Forgets Who He Is, Performs Song By Bryan Adams

Posted on May 8, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

NASHVILLE, Tennessee –

Ryan Adams, a pop singer who has a few fans, apparently, kicked a man out of his concert in 2002 after the patron yelled out a request for the popular song Summer of ’69, made famous by Canadian Bryan Adams. Ryan, apparently having no sense of humor, asked for the man to be removed because he can’t handle any sort of reference to another musician named Adams.

Now, 13 years later, it seems that Ryan Adams has forgotten all about that incident, as at a concert in Nashville last week, Ryan went on to perform the hit made famous by Bryan, as he did actually perform a cover of the song Summer of ’69.

“I think he forgot who he was, or something,” said fan Mary Lambert. “All 14 fans who were at the show, we just got really confused, and for a minute, I thought I was at a Bryan Adams concert by accident. I really didn’t like what was happening.”

“It was bizarre. I knew I’d bought tickets to Ryan Adams, and I was already kicking myself for that as it was,” said Miranda Jones. “But then Ryan came out and he did that song about kinky foreplay, and I got so worried I was in the wrong place. Bryan…Ryan…it sounds the same, you know?”

According to Ryan Adams’ manager, Rick Jameson, he knew precisely what he was doing when Adams went out on stage.

“He didn’t forget who he was, I don’t think, anyway,” said Johnson. “I’m pretty sure that he just wanted to play a popular song and give something to the people that they might enjoy. God knows no one knows any Ryan Adams songs, anyway.”

Bryan Adams, who has been pushed into obscurity since the 90s, said that he was “flattered” that someone would cover his song.

“Now give me my damn royalty check,” said Bryan Adams.

‘Lip Synch Battle’ Show Proves People Will Watch Anything, Regardless of Entertainment Value

Posted on May 3, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

NEW YORK CITY, New York –

Lip Synch Battle, the new series on SpikeTV that pits two celebs against each other in a lip synch competition has been heating up in the ratings, as each week two new megastars pretend to have talent to the cheers of a live audience.

“We knew when Jimmy Fallon started doing this bit on his show and the clips were going viral that we could base a whole series around it,” said SpikeTV CEO Ross Doucheman. “Now, each week we get new celebs who may or may not be talented in their own field to come out and pretend to have musical dance and singing talent. It’s really a stupid idea, but hey, people are watching it.”

Doucheman says that the ratings for the series have skyrocketed since the first episode, which featured Fallon facing off against action star Dwayne Johnson.

“Basically, we got two people out on stage who are mediocre at what they do, and they pretended to be great at singing. It was a good show,” said Doucheman. “Now, we’re doing it every single week, and all sorts of people are watching. Really, I think we could film celebs taking a shit for 30 minutes and air that, and people would watch. It doesn’t even matter anymore, we’re definitely not ‘trying’ or anything. But, either way, I’m still rolling around in a brand new Tesla 300, so keep watching, people!”

Chinese Road Crew Cook, Eat Dinosaur Eggs Unearthed During Construction

Posted on April 22, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

HEYUAN, China –

A group of road workers in Heyuan, China unearthed a section of cement that had several fossilized dinosaur eggs in it yesterday, and reports indicate that they used the eggs as part of a giant feast and celebration they were having for completing the new section of road.

“We have been working on the road in Heyuan for many months, and we found the eggs on our last day working,” said crew supervisor Ho Lee. “We already had a large party planned for after work, with the entire crew meeting up for drinks and food. When we found the eggs, and there were 19 of them, we knew it was fate that we should eat them – as there were 19 of us working on the crew!”

Lee says that they photographed the eggs and gave several broken pieces to local researchers. The whole, unbroken eggs they took home to cook and eat.

“Mostly, they tasted like chicken when fried like a normal egg,” said Lee. “It was surprising how good they were after millions of years. We are not sure the breed of dinosaur that was inside, but if it was a T-Rex, I will be very happy!”

Heyuan has been called the “Land of the Dinosaurs,” after more than 17,000 fragments and fossils have been found in the area since 1996.