Justin Bieber Purchases Historic Graceland Mansion From Elvis Presley Estate

Posted on July 15, 2014 by Raoul Stockton

MEMPHIS, Tennessee –

Graceland, the cherished white-columned Mansion in Memphis, Tennessee purchased by Elvis Presley in March of 1957 for $102,500 has, shockingly, been sold according to Presley’s daughter, Lisa Marie Presley, for an undisclosed amount of money. The buyer was none other than millionaire pop-singer Justin Bieber, who closed the deal on Monday.

The home, registered as a National Historic Landmark, has been estimated to have been worth at least $100 million. As most Elvis lovers know, the home is a huge tourist attraction, attracting more than 600,000 visitors per year. So what does it all mean? Will Bieber keep it as is, which is big business and a major Memphis tourist attraction? Nobody seems to know, including Lisa Marie.

“It is a difficult time for my mother and I, as we have decided to move on,” Said Presley via a written statement issued by her publicist, Paul Bloch. “Keeping up with Graceland had proven to be extremely taxing – literally and figuratively. We privately put it on the market last month. It was sold to Justin Bieber, and we will leave any and all details for him and his people to explain. The sale was completed and that is all we can share with you at this time.”

The news is sure to infuriate longtime lovers of The King. Visitors who were waiting in line for a daily tour of the home were asked their opinion about the transaction, none of which had any idea that the home had been sold.

“This is a joke right?” asked concerned fan Kenny Russell, from Chicago, Illinois, who was visiting with his two daughters. “Well, all I can say is I’m glad I brought them when I did, because if that trouble making punk bought this beautiful place, it will surely become some kinda sex-filled bachelor pad and get destroyed.”

As if news of Graceland wasn’t shocking enough, fans seemed generally depressed and mostly angered that it was sold to someone such as Bieber.

“I’ll tell you what…if that overgrown toddler really did purchase this place, it is a major blow to American Music History,” said Dottie Pittman of New Orleans, Louisiana. “I will never be back, that’s for sure!”

Several attempts to contact the Bieber camp came up empty on Monday evening. It is totally unknown what will be done with the mansion located at 3764 Elvis Presley Blvd. There is speculation that there were partners involved with Bieber, but those reports have yet to be confirmed. Why Bieber is remaining tight-lipped about the exchange is as bizarre as the story itself.

“What exactly has the world come to? Maybe some drastic measure can be taken, causing the reversal of transaction.” Said Presley super-fan Mark Chapman. “[Bieber] is everything that is wrong with show business. It is as if he is some mutant, annoying, pimple faced spoiled rich kid that gets anything he wants in this country. If this social decline continues we are ultimately doomed.”

MTV Begins Production On New Show ’12 And Pregnant’

Posted on July 15, 2014 by JP

MANHATTAN, New York –

Known for hit television shows such as The Jersey Shore, Teen Mom, and The Real World, MTV is always finding a way to bring home the ratings, even when some claim that what they are airing isn’t appropriate television. Despite controversy and complaint, the ratings speak for themselves, and the network always seems to find a way to pack the couch and have people watching the channel day-after-day for over 30 years.

A new show that MTV plans to air may be a breaking point for the company, even in this new day and age. Insiders say the whole concept itself may stir up a huge outbreak of lawsuits, hate groups, and generally angry parents.

Already being filmed, MTV plans on releasing the new show 12 And Pregnant this coming fall.

Three 12-year-olds have already been chosen for the show, signing off on semi-lucrative contracts and deals with the Viacom-owned network. Normally, MTV would be heavily promoting the show during their other series like Catfish or True Life, but this time they’re staying hush on who the three girls are. All 3 girls and their families signed non disclosure agreements, stating that their identities would not be made public until the show is ready for air.

Producers for the show say that this series, which follows the trials-and-tribulations of pregnant 12-year-olds, is much like their hit show 16 And Pregnant, but with a lot more parental drama. Executives say that they never would have thought to create a show, except for an influx in pregnant children emailing them, asking when they were going to get a show aimed at their age group and about their struggles at becoming a parent so young.

“We never had any designs on a show like this,” Said Leo Maltin, a representative for MTV and Viacom Networks. “We got so many kids hounding us, saying that 16 And Pregnant was okay, but they wanted to see younger kids, like they are, and what they go through when pregnant. Since they started approaching us, we figured we’d give it a shot.”

Inside sources on the show have stated that each of the girls have ‘future husbands,’ and not one of them is going through the pregnancy while single, at least at start of production. On top of that, all the girls on the show have their parents included in the process, and 2 out of the 3 are still attending school. The third girl has dropped out to find work.

Jay-Z Collaborates With Avenged Sevenfold Guitarist, Ex-Slipknot Drummer On New Metal Project

Posted on July 14, 2014 by Raoul Stockton

NEW YORK CITY, New York –

He has sold over 75 million records, won 17 Grammy Awards, he is a certified agent in Major League Baseball and the National Football League, operates Roc Nation Music Group, owns a clothing line and is married to the one and only Beyonce. His net-worth is believed to be somewhere in the $500 million dollar range. So what exactly can Jay-Z do that he has never done? Whatever he wants.

Sunday afternoon in a brief press release by his newly acquired publicist, Shannon Pryor, it was announced that Jay-Z has been collaborating with rockers such as guitarist Synyster Gates (Avenged Sevenfold) and drummer Joey Jordison (ex-Slipknot, Scar The Martyr, Murderdolls) and the trio will release an album in early 2015.

During Friday’s briefing in Manhattan, Pryor announced that Jay-Z was extremely excited about the project and described the upcoming album by saying “Extreme metal with an aggressive flow”. The album, not yet titled, will also feature various rockers such as Deftones vocalist Chino Moreno, Tool vocalist Maynard James Keenan, and…wait for it… the one and only Ozzy Osbourne. The album will be produced by iconic music producer Rick Rubin who has worked with Jay-Z in the past on several occasions, while also producing ground-breaking efforts by the Beastie Boys, Slayer, Johnny Cash, Slipknot, Eminem, and even Adele.

“Rap and metal have been done, meshed into super-sonic artistry of mixed hardcore musical cultures, but never quite like this.” Pryor said. “Just because he is one of the greatest rappers of all time does not necessarily mean he will be rapping on the album. We believe that fans will be pleasantly shocked upon the albums release, until then, material previously written and recorded, will be tightly kept under wraps. It is an exciting venture and Jay-Z and Roc Nation cannot wait for the albums groundbreaking release in early 2015.”

Fans have taken to the internet by storm, Tweeting and posting about this intriguing mashup. A game changing hip-hop artist working with heavy metal icons on a not-necessarily-generic-rap-metal effort. One thing we do know, is when Jay-Z does something, he does it big. Love him or hate him, the man has power and major influence in today’s modern American and International music culture. Even if the people do not love the music and strange new vocal approach by Jay-Z, one thing is certain, and that is the project will sell, and it will sell big. Seemingly a win/win situation for all involved.

So far, everyone involved has been tight-lipped on a release date, but inside sources are saying the album could be released as soon as October.

Kim Kardashian Teams With Revlon To Combat Illiteracy

Posted on July 9, 2014 by Mange

LOS ANGELES, California –

In a move to rival Paris Hilton’s career-spanning work highlighting STD awareness, Kim Kardashian’s publicist has announced that she has been named the spokesmodel for a new campaign to combat illiteracy, aimed at fashion-conscious children. The line of educational books, titled ‘Kim and me learn our A-B-Ks”, is set to hit both bookstores and make-up counters next month, featuring spelling and pronunciation guides that will help students by relating English grammar to various make-up techniques and color names.

The books will follow a distinct learning curve, allowing readers to enjoy whimsical nonsense illustrations as they progress from lessons like “eyeliner is good for meeting at the diner, but looking thinner is best before dinner” to more advanced material such as “I apply rouge before standing in queues”. The illustrations, handled by British artist Sandey Sime (of “The Pick Me Up” and “The Idler” renown), each relate to the subject matter of their accompanying text. Revlon predicts the star potential of Kardashian will help drive the product line which combats one of our nation’s greatest challenged in education.

“We want to make Kim’s name a byword for illiteracy.” Said a representative for Revlon.

The move comes as no surprise to Kim’s fans, who’ve followed her example by bolstering the spirit of cancer researchers across the world with their online support, and providing bulimia therapists a broad social spectrum from which to study the threat of body dysmorphia. In a recent weekday press conference, Kardashian met with fans aged 10 to 16, who wished to confront difficulty in reading together with their idol.

I’m not afraid to admit I get nervous being asked to read from the board in school.” Said 14 year-old Chandler Noxwell of Perth Amboy, NJ. “Kim showed us that there are even words grown-ups like her have trouble reading, like ‘algebra’ and ‘water’.”

Several students were given an afternoon pass to attend the event, during which Kim could be seen reading along through pre-press editions of the books and sounding out some of the more challenging rhymes. Kardashian lead one student through the sentence “I shouldn’t rush when applying…my…bluss…”, stopping to quip “Well that’s the street pronunciation, right?” before laughing and hugging the child to her for photos.

Reporters at the event were also treated to a brief speech by the famous reality TV star, wherein they were asked to “understand the fear these children face daily in school, at home, in subtitles. The bravest learner is one who fails, but refuses to give up and tell themselves that they just can’t. I know this whenever I watch my husband work, and I want to support these kids as much as I do him.”

Kanye West Files Lawsuit Against His Reflection

Posted on July 4, 2014 by iamjoshjohnson

LOS ANGELES, California –

Kanye West stays in the news for his outspoken nature and, at times, outlandish behavior. However his most recent crazy behavior may have topped all others. One of the world’s most renowned rappers is filing a lawsuit against his own reflection.

West was curiously completely unaware of his reflection until a few weeks ago when he was apparently walking down a hallway in Milan and bumped right into a mirror. After the collision West demanded that the man across from him apologize. Although not a direct quote, onlookers reported hearing West screaming at himself in the mirror, swearing and saying “watch where you’re going.”

Ever the prima donna, West then called his stylist demanding that he be fit for new clothes as his current outfit, supposedly one of a kind, was being worn by someone else. Kanye only became more infuriated when he noticed the figure was mimicking his movements.

When informed that it was Kanye’s reflection in the mirror, and then someone patiently explaining what a reflection was, he protested that it was impossible.

“I’m way better looking than this fool!” West screamed, causing a wave of laughter by onlookers.

After coming to terms with the fact that he could not fire his own reflection, he flew back to America and filed a lawsuit. Kanye is suing his reflection both for the assault that occurred in the meeting, and misrepresenting him for 37 years. His lawyers reluctantly filed the suit, despite hours of trying to explain why the case would make him look horribly stupid. Kanye rebuffed their attempts, and now West and his reflection are set to appear in court September 31st.

In the meantime, West has filed a restraining order against his reflection, which has already been violated several times in the past few days. Police were called to Kanye’s home the morning after the suit was filed, as Kanye’s duplicate was accused of commiting a home invasion. West claimed he was startled by the very man he was at odds with while getting dressed in front of a full-length mirror.

Officers who arrived were led to the room where the incident occurred, but they found nothing. West entered the room moments later only to act alarmed, screaming that the intruder was behind them. The police had to stifle their laughter and told West that they’d “get their best men on that matter.”

In spite of his current ordeal, West is still very hard at work in the studio and tweeted to his fans that “There may be a thousand of him, but there’s only one of me.”

Facebook Admits to Manipulating User Profiles For Absurdist ‘Matchmaking Game’

Posted on July 4, 2014 by NJJones

MENLO PARK, California –

The terrifying news released last week that Facebook admitted to manipulating the posts of 689,003 users in a mood-changing social experiment came as a shock to people worldwide. Further investigations into the ethicality of their experiments has uncovered new information that suggests Facebook has been using their “guinea-pig” users in a much more problematic way.

This secondary experiment first became apparent when reading the official report released by Facebook, sources noticed occasional references to something called “dating data.” When prompted about the mysterious data, Facebook technology teams confessed to what they had been doing throughout the site.

“Using what we learned from our initial experiment – that modifying the news feeds of a user could in fact modify their mood as a whole – we invested in a smaller project to see if by modifying people’s news feeds and shared information, we could push for romantic relationships between certain users, and deter them between others.” Said an employee of the company, speaking under the guise of anonymity.

“Our aim was to discover how far social networking goes today in regards to formulating intimacy between people.” Said another employee in charge of the dating data. “We edited private messages being sent between users, even sent a few ourselves, and we even used our stupid ‘poke’ option to generate interest between chosen users. If you got ‘poked’ in the last year on the site, that was most definitely us. No one actually pokes anybody.”

“To be honest, the whole thing was just a game to us. We’d choose a couple people in the same city at random, make sure they didn’t know each other at all, and start playing our games. It was all really just for a laugh. Oh, and, of course, to study human interaction, etcetera blah blah.”

This bizarre matchmaking experiment prompts ethicists and futurists to ask several alarming questions about the nature of privacy on the internet and how much we allow technology to control our lives in this day and age

“What we have here is a prime example of when massive corporations such as Facebook, are given too much power over the day-to-day social (and private) lives of everyday people.” Futurist Jim Carroll explained. “Hollywood makes so many movies about far-off futuristic dystopias, but what many don’t realize, and what’s highlighted by Facebook’s invasive studies, is that we are already living in one.”

When asked to comment on their latest scandal, Facebook responded by neither admitting their faults, nor denying that they were manipulating user data.

“We here at Facebook believe in user privacy, sorta, but we also believe in scientific discovery. It is important to understand human emotion and just how easily it can be tweaked by interactive new media such as social networking. We are dealing with new technology here that no one completely understands. Experiments can help us learn.”

Facebook, as a publicly traded company, is legally allowed to do whatever they want with the public and private data that users transmit through their system. The end-user agreement that is digitally “signed” by any user who creates an account, actually gives Facebook the company a lot of rights over them that they probably would never allow.

Analysts have said that in the several years that Facebook has grown to be one of the biggest websites in the world, not a single person who has created an account has taken the time to read the license agreement the site makes you agree to. They went on to say the only way to stop Facebook from manipulating their data is to stop using the website all together.

“Really, the best thing would be to switch to something like MySpace or Google Plus.” Said one analyst. “Your information is going to be extremely private on those websites, because no one uses them in the first place, so no one cares to study the user data of a handful of people.”

Discovery Channel Preps For ‘Shark Week,’ Insists They Will Have New Information This Year

Posted on July 4, 2014 by Dan King

SILVER SPRING, Maryland –

For the 26th summer in a row, the Discovery Channel has begun to insist that new information has been learned about sharks, as they gear up for their annual Shark Week lineup of programming. For the past fews weeks, the cable channel has begun heavily promoting Shark Week programming by telling viewers in no uncertain terms that they have new information about sharks which was not available last year.

Shark Week ads currently running on the channel all play up the same angle. One 30 second spot simply shows footage of a swimming shark while Discovery Channel regular and Shark Week 2014 host Mike Rowe says:

“We’ve known about these mighty sea beasts since the dawn of time. But this year, we might finally have them figured out.”

It’s important to note that not even the Discovery Channel is claiming that sharks themselves have changed substantially in the past year. Indeed, sources close to sharks tell Empire News that, while individual sharks may have been born or died in the past year, the sharks as a species have not changed substantially in several centuries.

Discovery Channel CEO David Zaslav said in a press conference earlier this week that he was excited to get to report all the developments in the human-shark relationship to viewers each summer. Says Zaslav, “People are learning new things about sharks every day. And the public at large relies on us to bring them that information once per year in a grand celebration of knowledge. Sure, they could just keep up with any new shark information as it comes out just by using a few Yahoo! News alerts, but why go through all the trouble?”

In the same conference, Zaslav responded to critics of Shark Week, who have recently begun to allege that the week of programming is not educational at all, but simply an almost voyeuristic celebration of stories of swimmers being maimed, secretly aired under the guise of learning. Zaslav says this claim couldn’t be further from the truth but that “For the record, we will be telling all the gory details of every shark attack that took place in the past year. For learning, though, not for fun.”

Empire News was able to speak to Roger Finn, a shark currently living off the cost of Australia. Mr. Finn had not been aware of Discovery Channel’s Shark Week until we spoke to him, but once he became informed he had some strong views on the subject.

“Is this a joke? No, there isn’t new stuff to cover about sharks every year.” Said Finn. “I mean sure, we have a vibrant culture and we do lots of things with each other, but it sounds to me like all these programs are just about times that we tried to eat people, and that process really hasn’t changed in millennia.”

Zasalav claims that they really do try to incorporate at least one new fact every year during Shark Week. He says this year scientists had discovered that the long-held belief that women who were menstruating should not swim near sharks was really just an old wives’ tale.

“As our research team has discovered, even sharks have no interest in eating a woman who is on her period.” Said Zasalav.

“Not for nothing, but why exactly are you singling us out here?” Asked Finn. “You know, lots of other animals kill more people than sharks. Cows, for example. Cows kill more of you than we do. Mosquitoes? They’re like the #1 human killer of all time. I really can’t help but feel like you guys are really being jerks about this. It’s almost racist.”

Bill Clinton Hits Talk Show Circuit to Promote New Book of White House Themed Erotica

Posted on July 2, 2014 by Dan King

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Former President Bill Clinton hit the talk show circuit this week to promote his new book, a collection of White House themed erotica. Clinton’s book tour actually parallels wife Hilary’s, as she continues promoting her own book, Hard Choices, a grounded, autobiographical look at her time as Secretary of State from 2009 to 2013.

The former president took to the airways to promote his book, simply titled Hard, which follows the exploits of a main character named “President Stiff Poundstone,” who takes part in an increasingly bizarre series of sexual encounters in-between presidential events.

Former President Clinton has remained cagey on the question of whether President Poundstone is entirely fictional, though he has hinted that parts of the story are based on his own time in the White House. In an interview with Robin Roberts on “Good Morning America,” Clinton explained that “In chapter 6, where President Poundstone makes sweet love to the sexy brunette head of the Federal Reserve in exchange for taking $360 billion off of the federal debt? Well, that’s partly true, I really did reduce the federal debt by that much.”

Indeed, some have speculated that former President Clinton wants Hard to, in part, be his way of rewriting the history of his Presidency. Those who subscribe to this belief point to the books tenth chapter, where the media accuse President Poundstone of having sex with an intern. In Mr. Clinton’s presidency, such an accusation lead to an eventual impeachment trial. In Clinton’s new book, however, President Poundstone simply admits to the affair and, to quote the text, “… Everyone agreed that it was an awesome thing to do, and all the media high-fived the President as they shotgunned Pabst Blue Ribbon beer together.”

Hard’s extremely adult subject matter and coarse language meant that Clinton was precluded from reading any large sections of it during his appearances. Instead, the former President was forced to merely summarize parts of the book, hoping to entice readers with his descriptions.

On “CBS Sunday Morning,” Clinton told Charles Osgood that “In chapter three, President Poundstone has to entertain the hot blonde twin Polish ambassadors in order to prevent ruining a state dinner. Things get really steamy when a lobster escapes from a pot of boiling water and joins the fun. It’s one of my favorite chapters- hell I’m getting a chubby just thinking about it.”

Most of Mr. Clinton’s public appearances promoting the book have been solo, but he was accompanied by Hilary during a segment on Morning Joe with Joe Scarborough. During the interview, Mr. Clinton was engaged and egarly answered all of Scarborough’s questions, while Hilary kept her head buried in her hands, only occasionally looking up to stare angrily at her husband and ask “Why can’t I just have my own thing just this one time?”

MTV To Produce ‘Hunger Games’ Style Reality Show, ‘Con Stars’

Posted on June 24, 2014 by Jon of the Shred

DETROIT, Michigan –

In a bold move by the Federal Prison System to combat swelling overpopulations of their institutions, a real-life Hunger Games reality show has been launched by MTV in partnership with the Federal Justice Bureau. The show features violent criminals and convicts squaring off in an enclosed area of a major city, in a full-blown fight to the death. The winner of the contest is awarded freedom and a second chance at life. The show has been titled Con Stars.

Season 1 began pre-production last week in Detroit, scouting locations and filming exteriors. Future seasons will film in other urban and violent cities across the country. Based on buzz alone, season 2 has already secured a green light, and executives are rumored to be eying Camden, New Jersey as their next death ring.

The show is hoping to be a ratings smash, and execs are looking to at least secure the number 2 slot, just behind the Walking Dead. TV analysts suggest that the show will set a new precedent for Reality TV – while mind-numbing stupidity used to suffice, with shows such as Jersey Shore and Honey Boo-Boo running the ratings, Con Stars hopes to knock them out of the park.

Before all the glitz and glamor of TV could begin, the show’s concept had to pass through the U.S. Congress first, the first show ever to be scrutinized by the government before airing. Members of Congress had to give the show the go-ahead, and the decision also had to have a Presidential seal of approval on it as well, as President Obama would be the one to sign the winner’s pardon, setting him free.

Curiously, there was little pushback from either the republicans or democrats on the actual content of the show, and both sides spent more time arguing whether The Hunger Games was a ripoff of Battle Royale or The Running Man. Ron Paul, who is generally ignored by the other members of congress, was the voice of reason throughout the hearing, stating that The Hunger Games was clearly a ripoff of Death Race 2000, the David Carradine film which pre-dates both Battle Royale and The Running Man.

“If you watch both of the Hunger Games films you’ll notice elements stolen from the Running Man and Battle Royale scattered throughout. Death Race 2000 came even before all those, and if you really break it down they’re all reminiscent of Gladiator fights in a modern setting. What makes Hunger Games plagiarism as opposed to tribute is the author denied knowledge of all those prior films and books. What does she think, we’re stupid?”

Congress agreed to let Viacom, parent company of MTV, produce the show with actual prisoners. All of the men selected will be at the discretion of the board of prisons in each state. As of this writing, the 30 contestants were being selected from institutions around the country, and filming is set to begin in August. The show will premiere on MTV and MTV2 in the channels’ winter lineup.

Creationists Bash Science-Based “Cosmos” TV Show, Demand Equal Airtime

Posted on June 10, 2014 by Rab

LOS ANGELES, California –

Just this year, Neil deGrasse Tyson rebooted the late Carl Sagan’s TV show Cosmos for the FOX Network, and although the season is several episodes in, it is causing a controversy amongst a large number of religious zealots.

Creation scientists, a small facet of religious people who curiously believe that the universe and all it’s inhabitants were created by divine intervention, have a bone to pick with the show due in large part to the fact that science debunks almost all of their theories. Because Cosmos directly clashes with their ideology, they’ve started picketing the FOX Network for equal airtime, as well as boycotting deGrasse Tyson’s work.

Fox has responded to their demands, saying that they aren’t interested.

“We have no plans to create any sort of alternate, psuedo-scientific based version of Cosmos.” Said Kevin Reilly, Chairman of entertainment for Fox Networks. “I believe the only way that would even appeal to most people is if we filmed it in front of a live studio audience and added in a laugh track.”

Enraged with FOX’s reaction, the Creationists have asked that the network at least discuss the possibilities of God being the all-mighty creator of the Earth and mankind itself in at least one segment of every episode of Cosmos.

“We just want the world to know that God is the real creator and one who has evolved all of this world.” Said Melanie Pinkerton, a creation scientist with the Real Origins Group in Los Angeles, California. “Six thousand years ago, He said ‘Let There Be Light,’ and there was. Now we are asking the TV world to ‘Let There Be Light.’ We just think it’s right that we get our equal time.”

Despite the demands and complaints, the ratings for Cosmos are still holding strong. The Creationists themselves aren’t helping when it comes to getting the show taken off the air, either – Most of them have said they watch the program every week just so they can curse at their televisions and shout passages from the bible at deGrasse Tyson.

Although there are no plans for FOX to draft any episodes of the Creationist version of the Cosmos series, which the group has decided would be called Genesis, they have decided that Ken Hamm, who founded the Creationist Museum, would be the natural choice to host it. Perhaps wisely, no networks have taken an interest in adding the show to their lineup.