Boy Attacks Neighbor with Drone

Posted on December 31, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

DALLAS, Texas –

Neighbors, Pat and Marsha Stuart called him Dennis the Menace.

The harassment allegedly started with petty theft and the boy throwing rocks at the house and cat. He was also accused of coming out in the night and leaving marbles around for them to slip on.

According to the Stuarts, the neighbor boy was given a Storm Racing Drone for Christmas by his parents, and now he is being accused of using it to terrorize his neighbors. After the drone “accidentally” collided with Marsha’s head, the neighbors then told police they boy had been using it “to spy and snap pictures of us in the buff.” Pat Stuart says he boy is lucky he did not get shot for these type of antics.

Although the 9-year-old boy’s name has not been released, it has been confirmed he was diagnosed with oppositional defiance disorder, which basically meant, according to doctors, that “he is a little shit.” His parents do not think his antics are cute and plan to have him sent to reform school as soon as he is released from juvenile hall.

Man Arrested For Killing His Roommate After He Touches Food With Dirty Fingers

Posted on December 30, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

MIAMI, Florida –

Benjamin Hopes admitting to hitting his roommate, Paul Bard, seven times in the face with a cast iron skillet.

If his defense all he had to say is, “Someone who fucks with your food doesn’t deserve to live. I saw his hands down the back of his pants, scratching his ass, then he went for my chips. I just snapped.” Hopes admits that he then dragged Bard’s body into his bedroom, and went about his normal routine for the day.

“After I had come out of it, I knew I was going to prison, and I was real hungry. So I had a nice fat steak, a couple of beers, and called a couple gals over to party,” said Hopes. Police were called after one guest found the body when searching for a bathroom.

“In retrospect I should have put him in the closet or something,” said Hopes. “I cleaned up the blood from off the floor and the walls, but when she found that bastard it really killed the mood. After that I knew there was no chance I was getting laid, so I called the police and turned myself in.”

Family Sells Haunted Doll For $3.7M At Auction

Posted on December 29, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

MIAMI, Florida –

A family in Florida have become millionaires overnight after selling a doll that has been in their family for the last 40 years. The doll sold for almost $4 million dollars at auction because the family listed it as “haunted” with the auction house.

“That doll has been tormenting our family for over 4o years, and every time we tried to get rid of it, it would come back,” said Mark Rogers, who had originally picked up the doll for his daughter at a yard sale in 1974. “I paid fifty cents for it back then, so I’d say we got our money’s worth on it. Thing is, I can’t honestly be sure it won’t come back again.”

The person who bought the doll, Gary Smith, says that he couldn’t pass up owning a haunted doll, even if it cost $4 million.

“There was another bidder on the phones, and he was pushing it up and up, but I just had to have it,” said Smith. “I have a large collection of odd, bizarre, and creepy things in my house, so this will fit it nicely.”

According to Rogers, the doll has been locked away in their basement for the last 10 years or so.

“When we had it out last, it killed our dog and splayed the blood everywhere while we slept,” said Rogers. “I’ve tried everything to get rid of it. Burning, throwing it in the trash, shredding it, smashing it with a hammer – we even took it on a trip to Greece one time, and left it behind. Sure enough, it was sitting on the couch when we got back. Selling it is the last thing that we’re trying. I figured I bought it, and it never went back to the previous owner, so maybe this will work. I hope to Christ it does.”

Crotch-Stomper Doritos From China Taste ‘Just Like Balls’

Posted on December 29, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

BEIJING, China –

For years the internet has been confused by an image of a bag of Doritos from China featuring a man appearing to hold another man’s legs apart while he stomps on his crotch. The Doritos, which have been dubbed “Crotch-Stomper” chips, are considered a delicacy in China, unlike the traditional chips sold throughout the world as a standard item.

According to people who have been able to try the chips, they taste exactly the way you’d expect: like balls.

“Oh my God, they’re horrible,” said Mark Jones, who paid almost $100 for a bag online. “I had to try them though – that picture is crazy. But, frankly, they taste exactly the way my balls smell after a long day at the gym or something. Nasty.”

Doritos are manufactured by Frito Lay, who say that the flavor is supposed to be savory, sweet, and tangy.

“The chips are certainly not supposed to taste like balls,” said Frito Lay spokesman Jeff Miller. “I tried them, I thought they tasted kind of like stale salt & vinegar chips. They’re not my favorite, but people love them, especially in China.”

“I ate a whole bag, I couldn’t get enough of them,” said Missy Loans. “I bought a bag online. Paid about $80 bucks for it, and they were gone in minutes. I don’t know if they really taste like balls – I mean, I’ve had plenty of balls in my mouth over the years, and I’ve never tasted balls like this. Maybe a bit like dick, but I mean, the dick is definitely not balls.”

Man With Teeth On Outside Of Face Says ‘At Least I Don’t Have Cavities’

Posted on December 29, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

PEIKING, China –

Pang Wok has a rare condition that has caused his teeth to grow outwards, through his lips and gums, appearing on the outside of his face. Although doctors say that with plastic surgery and careful extraction they could fix most of Mr. Wok’s issues, he seems completely un-phased by his condition.

“I have always been like this, so no need to change anything now,” said Wok, 52. “I do not have cavities, I can still chew, so there’s not much to complain about. I am who I am and that all that I am.”

Wok says that many doctors from all over the world have offered to correct his tooth issues free of charge, but even then, Wok claims that he’s not interested.

“What’s the point? Everyone I know has seen me, they’ve grown used to it,” said Wok. “If I changed the way I look now, what would my family say? What would my wife say? They know me in this way. I am happy enough, even if I look strange. Besides, all of my patients think it’s hilarious.”

Wok has been a practicing dentist for over 20 years.

Woman Spends Over $200k On Plastic Surgery To Look Like Her Dog

Posted on December 27, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

BRIARVILLE, Georgia –

A Georgia woman, Samantha Kenner, has reportedly spend nearly a quarter of a million dollars on plastic surgery in an attempt to look like her dog, Ben.

“Ben and I have been together since I was 14,” said Kenner, now 30. “He’s an old dog, but he’s loyal, and I love him to death. I wanted to look more like him to show my support and appreciation for how loving he’s been.”

Kenner says she first got the idea to have the surgeries after she watched a TV show about a man who had spent his life savings on trying to look like Superman.

“I figured that if he could do that, I could look like a dog,” said Kenner. “It started out small – a tuck here, a snip there, some fur added and other hair removed, but in the end, I think I look beautiful. And now, when Ben sees me after I come home from a long day at work, it’s way less awkward when he humps my leg, because even though I may still be mostly human, I feel way more like his bitch.”

Man Returning From Active Duty Gift Wraps Himself As X-Mas Surprise, Suffocates In Box

Posted on December 26, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

TRENTON, New Jersey –

An Army officer returning from active duty in Pakistan who planned a wonderful surprise for his family on Christmas, having himself gift wrapped and shipped home by UPS, was found dead early Christmas morning after his family neglected to open the present right away.

“We didn’t know that he was in there, because we had no idea that he was coming home,” said Mary Charles, whose husband, Donald, was in the box. “Last we spoke, he wasn’t coming home for a couple weeks, and I was so busy getting the kids their presents, I didn’t even notice it sitting in the corner until later in the day, and by then, it was too late. Plus, there was no tag, so no one knew to even open it. Christmas is a super busy holiday, you know?”

Officer Donald Charles had served two tours of duty, and was slated to have been home for good.

“Normally we don’t ship people, but since it was Christmas, I made an exception,” said UPS store employee Mike Mills. “Mr. Charles came into the store and wanted us to gift wrap him and ship him to his home, which was only a few miles away. I wrapped him up myself, although I guess I forgot to put holes in. Whoops.”

According to police, no charges will be filed against Mills or UPS, although officers warn against shipping yourself, or any living creature, through the mail.

Woman Told By Husband To ‘Make Sandwiches’ Beats Him To Death With Loaf of Bread

Posted on December 26, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

CHINA, Maine –

A woman in the small town of China, Maine, was arrested on Christmas night after neighbors called 911 when they heard “blood-curdling screams” emanating from the house.

Megan Charles, 29, was taken into custody when police found her standing over her husband’s body. Joe Charles, 32, was dead on police arrival, beaten to death with a loaf of bread.

“To be honest, you wouldn’t think that someone could beat another person to death with a loaf of bread, but in this case, it’s completely true,” said China police chief Mario Jones. “I’ve seen a lot of stuff in my day, but nothing like this. We have taken Mrs. Charles into custody, and we have no further statements at this time.”

An anonymous source in the police office says that Megan Charles used a loaf of Heartland bread and bludgeoned her husband to death with it. According to Mrs. Charles, it was because her husband, Joe, would constantly berate her and force her to make sandwiches.

“Every day, every night, that’s all I’d get from him,” said Charles to a police investigator. “Go make me some sandwiches. Sandwiches this, sandwiches that. It was insane. I could have cooked him a 4 course meal, and he’d still just want a ham sandwich. Well fuck him, he can have his sandwiches in hell!”

Hottest Selling Toy This Year Wasn’t for Kids

Posted on December 26, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

TOKYO, Japan –

Christmas is big in Japan this year, but the hottest selling toy was not for kids. According to reports, Japan had record sales in the sex-toy industry in 2015.

Although many look at a sexed up Christmas as blasphemous, Japan’s spiritual community is made up of Shintos and Buddhists so naturally the holiday has nothing to do with Christ. It’s about being merry, and what brings more merriment than glow in the dark sex-toys? It’s also the season for executives to buy for their secretaries.

“We sold over 43 million dildos and other toys this year,” said RubbaDubba CEO Toyki Misaka. “They are very good to use for happiness.”

These black light reactive adult toys are perfect for the rave orgy scene in clubs of Tokyo, and Osaka. On the black market, ecstasy sales also spiked in 2015, although the leading black market commodity is still underage prostitutes.

‘World’s Ugliest Woman’ Married To Man Who Wore Mask ‘To Make Wife Feel Pretty’

Posted on December 25, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

JASMINE, Florida –

The world’s ugliest woman, Joanne Jones, 32, was married last week to a man who obviously has no desire to be named publicly, but who spoke to Empire News about their lavish wedding.

“I married Joanne because although she may have the most hideous face in the world, she has a rockin’ body and she sucks like a champ,” said Jones’ new husband. “I wore a mask because I wanted her to feel pretty for just one day, at least. I mean frankly, it didn’t work. I still looked better in that mask that she did, but you know, she was happy. And because she was happy, I had one hell of a wedding night.”

“I was pretty sad when I was named Guinness’ ‘World’s Ugliest Person,’ but you know, it’s not that bad, really,” said Jones. “I do lots of speaking engagements. Public appearances. I make decent money doing that. And now I have true love. He definitely loves me, more than anyone ever has. He even wore that mask just to make me feel pretty. And that’s pretty awesome.”

“Make no mistake, I’m only with her because she’s a hell of a screw and makes good money and lives in a nice house,” said Joanne’s husband. “I went out with her on a bet, went to bed with her on a bet, shit I married her on a bet. The mask is, really, so no one knows who I am. I don’t want to be outed.”

“I love him so much,” said Joanne. “He’s the best.”