Man Sells Golf Ball Hit By President Trump For $87,000 in eBay Auction

Posted on April 29, 2017 by Bob The Empire News Potato

ATLANTA, Georgia –

An Atlanta man has reportedly sold a golf ball hit by President Trump during one of his many, many, many golf games from his first 100 days as president, for an astounding $86,985 in an eBay auction.

“I was pretty surprised it went for so much. It’s not signed or anything, just a regular Titleist, but it was hit into a sand trap by Donald Trump while I was watching him play a month or so ago,” said the anonymous seller. “He couldn’t find it, so shrugged, told his caddy to mark it as a hole-in-one, and then left it. As soon as he and his entourage moved to the next hole, I went in and snagged it.”

The seller says that he expected to fetch a few bucks, “mostly as a gag,” but was very surprised when two buyers drove up the price in a bidding war. He was even more surprised, he said, when the buyer actually paid.

“He sent me a paypal payment of $86,985 – and then another $4 for shipping costs,” said the seller. “I shipped it right out, then went and paid off my car and put down a huge chunk on my mortgage, too. Not bad considering I voted for Johnson.”

Babysitter Takes Acid, Eats 3-Month-Old Baby After Cooking Her In The Oven

Posted on April 29, 2017 by Bob The Empire News Potato

DE SOTO, Missouri –

Two Missouri parents were horrified to discover their babysitter had taken acid while watching their child, after they found the remains of their three-month-old child cooked in the oven.

Police Officer Dwayne Jacobs was the first on the scene, and found a “very confused” and “incoherent” babysitter lying half-conscious in the family’s living room.

Anna Doreen, the 17-year-old babysitter, claims she had bought some acid and “only took a few tabs” before she became “overly confused” and “extremely hungry.”

“I just took a few tabs because I was bored and the baby was sleeping,” she later told Officer Jacobs. “I remember that I started getting really hungry, ate some chicken wings, and passed out.”

The 3-month-old child was found in the oven, covered in barbecue sauce, and was pronounced dead at the scene.

“It appears she tried to cook him in the oven, but did not time it long enough to completely cook him. She was probably disoriented and lost consciousness moments later,” explained Sheriff deputy James Anderson of the Jefferson County Police Department. “Teeth marks were found on the baby’s arms and legs. Ms. Doreen has been taken into custody and is facing second-degree murder charges, as well as drug-related charges.”

United’s Settlement With Dr. David Dao Was Reportedly Only $800 And Free Flight

Posted on April 28, 2017 by Bob The Empire News Potato

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CHICAGO, Illinois –

United Airlines, who stupidly took responsibility for the treatment of unruly jerk passenger Dr. David Dao, has reportedly reached a settlement with Dao, but the outcome is not what most people expected.

According to an anonymous source close to the negotiations, Dr. Dao received only the originally offered $800, and a free flight to anywhere in the continental United States.

“David knew that he was at fault here,” said the source. “Yes, the airline has a stupid policy, but he knew he still mouthed off to cops, and didn’t simply leave the plane like the other passengers that were asked to do so. He caused a scene, and was a total prick in the situation. He knew all that, so when United offered the $800 they had originally promised when bumping him, he jumped at the opportunity before they took it away completely.”

The full details of the settlement are under wraps, but the source says that he is “100% positive” of the details, but Dr. Dao was forced to sign a Non-Disclosure Agreement.

BREAKING: Trump Impeachment Proceedings Beginning May 1

Posted on April 28, 2017 by Bob The Empire News Potato

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WASHINGTON, D.C. –

The liberal left has been asking for his head on a stick, and it’s seeming like they might get it – Donald Trump’s impeachment proceedings officially begin on Monday, May 1st.

“This is an amazing day, I cannot wait for his impeachment to happen,” said Mary Lambert, a staunch Democrat. “Trump is a disgrace, and him being impeached and kicked out of office is the best thing that can happen.”

Lambert, who teaches History to middle-school children, was confused when told that “impeachment” doesn’t mean being kicked out of office, but rather, is just another name for an indictment of an official who holds office.

“What? No. When a President is impeached, it means they are kicked out. That’s why Nixon resigned – he was going to be impeached, so he skipped out on it first,” said Lambert.

“That seems to be a common misconception among idiots,” said political advisor Joel Murray. “Impeachment doesn’t mean anything. Impeachment is just being indicted; they show up in court, basically. They still have to be found guilty, but being impeached doesn’t mean they will. Trump won’t – he hasn’t done anything worth being removed from office. I don’t understand why people are so stupid. These are adults. Don’t they remember that Bill Clinton was impeached?”

Despite the confusion about the definition of the term, Trump’s impeachment is still set to begin in just a few days, with many thinking this could be the beginning of the end.

Michelle Obama Files For Divorce After Obama Allegedly Caught In Sex Orgy

Posted on April 26, 2017 by Bob The Empire News Potato

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WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Michelle Obama has reportedly filed for divorce from former president Barack Obama after allegedly catching him cheating in a massive sex orgy in their home.

According to an inside source, Michelle reportedly returned home early from a visit with family and found Barack Obama engaged in a sex orgy with “over a dozen” other people, both males and females.

“Michelle walked in right as Barack was mid-suck on a giant tranny named Pat,” said the source. “Apparently Barack has been having these secret orgies for over a decade, and this is the first time Michelle has ever found out. He apparently asked her to join, but she was shocked and ran from the house in tears.”

Neither Barack or Michelle could be reached for comment, but lawyers for both asked for “privacy” during this “extremely difficult” yet “oddly hilarious” time.

REPORT: Over 4,000 People Nationwide Overdosed On Marijuana on 4/20 ‘Holiday’

Posted on April 21, 2017 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Yesterday was April 20th, otherwise known as 4/20 – a favorite “holiday” among weed smokers, as 420 is the police code for marijuana. This year was, according to the Department of Drug Enforcement and Regulation, the last for almost nearly 2,000 people, though.

“Across the United States, we had a reported 1,985 deaths from over-consumption of marijuana yesterday,” said DDER spokesman Carl Lewis. “In total, there are reports of just under 4,000 overdoses. Thankfully, not all of those ODs resulted in death, but in this case, with almost half of them dying, it’s clear why this drug is so heavily regulated.”

Lewis said he has been working with the DDER since 1978, and this year is the “worst [he] has ever seen.”

“Last year, in comparison, we had only 698 OD throughout the country, with 322 of those resulting in death,” said Lewis. “With the legalization of marijuana in several new states at the beginning of 2017, we knew those numbers were going to increase, just not this dramatically.”

Lewis warns that if you’re going to break federal law and partake in marijuana, you should do so in “extremely limited moderation,” as marijuana strains have been “extremely potent” lately in most of the country.

“Your best bet is to not smoke, eat, chew, drink, or even look at marijuana,” said Lewis. “If you do find yourself in possession of the drug, or know someone else who is, please call your local police department and turn it over to them.”

President Trump Plans To ‘Bring Back’ Slavery, Owning of People as Property

Posted on April 18, 2017 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

In a move that probably surprises no one, President Trump has signed an executive order that will allow white people to buy, sell, and trade minorities, as well as use them as non-paid workers.

“This is a game changer for our country, and for the economy,” said Trump. “If we can get all the Mexicans and the blacks and the chinks or whatever they call them now, and round them up, and have them work for free for white business owners, then those whites can afford to pay their white employees more, which will drastically improve the economy. It’s a win-win.”

Trump says that there are provisions that will help make sure that the minorities are still “taken care of,” their compensation will just not be monetary.

“They will have free room and board, and are to be provided at least one hot and one cold meal per day,” said Trump. “That is far better than the slave-trade of our fathers and grandfathers, when there were no regulations. They will also be prohibited from working more than 20 hours in a single day.”

The order is naturally being challenged by the ACLU and other civil-rights groups, but most Republicans say they are “all for it,” and are “excited” about the change.

United Airlines To Give Free Flights To Anyone Upset By Their ‘Violent’ Removal of Doctor From Plane

Posted on April 18, 2017 by Bob The Empire News Potato

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ATLANTA, Georgia –

United Airlines has agreed to give unlimited free flights to anyone who says they were upset by their treatment of the doctor who was violently thrown around by police after refusing to de-board one of their overbooked flights. A video, showing the events, has gone viral, and caused a media firestorm that has already cost the company millions in stock and customer protests.

“We understand that people are mad about our policies, and so we want to make it up to them,” said Mario Leland, a spokesman for United. “We already gave a ton of money and free flights to the people who were on the plane who had to witness the events first-hand, but we know there are people who have seen the videos, too, and they should be compensated.”

United says that they plan to give free flights to anyone who has suffered PTSD from the videos of the events, and will even offer to upgrade to first-class anyone who would like it.

“United understands that people have no idea how airlines work, and why we have the policies we do,” said Leland. “We also understand that, for some strange reason, people think we’re to blame, when it was that asshole doctor who wouldn’t respect the terms of his ticket purchase, or the orders of the pilot or police. Frankly, he got what he deserved. But I digress. We know people don’t understand any of this, because the public is stupid and they’re sheep. So we’re doing what we need to do to save face.”

Flights can begin being booked immediately, and according to United, they will “pay back” anyone who purchases a flight over the next five years.

President Trump To Move White House to Las Vegas

Posted on March 30, 2017 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Donald Trump has made plans to officially move the White House from Washington, D.C. to Las Vegas, where he owns property and says that the taxes are “much more manageable.”

“Moving the White House to Las Vegas will save tax payers an estimated $20 million a year, as the land values are much lower in the desert,” said Trump. “I am working with the best planners, the best men out there, to move the White House safely and securely.”

There is no word on whether Las Vegas will become our nation’s capital after the White House is relocated, but Trump did say that he wouldn’t personally have any problem with that.

“There’s a lot of money in Las Vegas, and a lot of beautiful women. We’d be lucky to have Las Vegas be our nation’s capital. It’s a beautiful, fun, fast-paced city, and everyone who goes there loves it. I love it. I own plenty of property there. It’s great. Plus, what happens there stays there, so we could get away with a lot more there than we could here in D.C.”

VP Mike Pence Accidentally Electrocutes Himself, Claims He’s Now Gay

Posted on March 30, 2017 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Vice President Mike Pence reportedly electrocuted himself accidentally after touching a light switch after getting out of the shower, while still wet. Ironically, the VP now claims that he is homosexual, and has planned a massive “coming out” party at the White House.

Pence, who has long been known for his completely stupid views on homosexuality and believing that it can be cured via electro-shock therapy, is now referring to himself as “a big, flaming fag,” and says he’s never been happier.

“Oh my God you guys, being gay is so wonderful and amazing. I mean, I wanna say I told you so, ’cause if I’m gay just from getting shocked, there’s no WAY that shocking couldn’t cause the opposite effect, ya know?” said Pence in a fun, sing-song voice. “But, you know, I’m just too damn giddy to even consider being negative like that. I’m the first gay man in power since Elton John’s Tiny Dancer was #1 on the charts. Ohh, baby!”

The gay community, which is normally very happy when a major celebrity comes out, has withdrawn from Pence’s announcement, and calls it “truly stupid.”