Former Patriots, Broncos Cornerback Marquice Cole Overdoses On Marijuana

Posted on January 26, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

DENVER, Colorado –

Controversy arose today in Denver, Colorado, as free agent NFL Cornerback Marquice Cole, formerly of the Denver Broncos, became yet another documented case of overdose on the drug marijuana.

Marijuana, commonly known by the street name “weed,” was made legal in the state of Colorado in 2012 when Colorado Amendment 64 was passed through the state legislature. On January 1st, 2014, the first legal “weed shops” were opened to much controversy. Since then, several people throughout the state have overdosed from smoking large amounts of the drug, and there are at least 2 confirmed deaths in relation to smoking or eating marijuana.

Cole has stated that he was not a user before the law was passed, but as soon as it became legal and easy to get, it was all he was doing in his off time.

“It’s hard, when you’ve got as much money as us pro-athletes do, not to spend that cash somewhat…unwisely, at certain points,” Said Cole from his hospital room in Benchley Memorial Hospital, just outside Denver. “I bought cars and normal things, but as soon as weed became legal, and people were doing it all the time around me, I started spending my money there. It was crazy how much I was buying.”

Cole stated that a friend first offered him marijuana, and he instantly became hooked, a claim that most people who smoke weed have also reported. Cole says he started visiting multiple dispensaries throughout the day to buy as much as he could, purchasing the legal limit at each shop, as well as spending money on “how-to” books, and materials needed to grow in his own home. He claims that before he overdosed, he was smoking upwards of a pound or more in a day.

“It’s sad, really, that people think you can’t get ‘too high.’ That you can’t overdose. It can happen if you’re smoking enough,” Said Dr. Emmett Brown, who is specialist at Benchley Memorial dealing with drug addictions and overdose cases. “Usually we see cocaine or heroin abuse amongst athletes and celebrities, but there is no doubt that someday the puff-puff-pass could make you end up in the ER.”

“If I had it all to do over again, I would probably cut back a bit,” Says Cole, who is expected to recover from his overdose, albeit with several weeks of physical therapy. “This might have ruined my life. It might have ended my life. It certainly will be putting a huge damper on my career.”

So far, there has been no movement by the Colorado government to repeal the law, despite mounting pressures from activists and anti-marijuana crusaders throughout the state, as well as the rest of the country. Cole himself hopes that his ordeal will make people think twice before getting hooked on marijuana.

“I wish I’d never tried it, honestly,” said Cole in an impassioned speech to reporters and fans. “To any kids out there, just know, that no matter what they say, a drug is a drug – and it can ruin everything.”

As of this writing, no word on whether Cole will face any suspensions or penalties from the NFL.

Scientists Warn Blizzard Set To Hit Northeast Contains Radioactive Snow

Posted on January 26, 2015 by Abe Abrams

ISLIP, New York –

As if 20 inches of snow wasn’t enough to worry about, scientist at the Brookhaven National Lab warn that this deadly amount of snow will also be highly radioactive. Fallout from the Fukushima nuclear disaster of 2011 has finally reached the Northeast of America, and it’s coming in the form of heavy, wet snow set to cover most of the Eastern United States.

“We have been tracking the radiation since the disaster of the Fukushima meltdown in 2011, and to be honest, it could not have reached the country at a worse time,” said Chief Scientist Michael Baker. “This week’s blizzard, which is expected to dump 20 to 30 inches of snow, blanketing most of New England and New York, will contain dangerous amounts of radiation. I’m urging all residents affected by the storm to remain indoors. The snow will actually be most dangerous while it’s falling, so do not let the snow touch your skin. Do not shovel or let your children play in the snow. Do not let your pets out into the snow. The safest thing you can do is wait until the snow melts into the ground so the radiation can be absorbed by the earth.”

“I’m strongly recommending all residents to stay indoors while the snow is falling, and a New York state-wide curfew will take effect starting at 3pm, and will continue for the duration of the storm,” said New York Governor Mario Cuomo. “During that time, only police, fire services, and other essential personnel will be allowed on the streets. This is nothing to take lightly – this amount of snow, coupled with the severe radiation, is a life or death matter.”

“Radioactive snow? What am I supposed to do?” asked New Hampshire resident Lisa Jones. ”I’ve got 3 large dogs, and it’s going to take weeks for the snow to melt. I can’t have my dogs just popping a squat throughout the house. God, I’ve got to get the hell out of New England. This is a horror show.”

Major Grocery Store Chains Recalling All Milk; Dairy Companies Charged With Using Milk From Rodents

Posted on January 25, 2015 by JP

MEMPHIS, Tennessee –

Get ready for a drastic shortage in milk through the country. It was announced today by the Calcium Benefits Coalition that most milk will be pulled from grocery stores all over America, after recent testing has confirmed that several major milk manufacturers have been caught cutting their milk with the milk of female rats.

The horrifying news hit the internet after a routine health inspection at a very well-known dairy factory. An inspector reported he found a door that the company claimed was an empty closet, but once he finally got inside he couldn’t believe what he found.

“Inside was a milking ground of up to 1,000 female rats, chipmunks, and ferrets. They were all very pregnant, and they had tiny little milking devices strapped to their tiny little teats,” said the anonymous health inspector. “The company, which the CBC and the US Department of Health are refusing to identify at this time, claimed they were just ‘running tests’ on the benefits of the rat milk. A bovine milk-purity test found, though, that milk being distributed was 67% rat milk.”

Health inspectors for the USDA, the CBC, and the US Department of Health were tasked to check all other major milk distribution companies, and tests showed that almost 90% of all the major dairy companies in the United States have been infusing their regular cow milk with rodent milk.

For now, a recall is in effect for milk, but other dairy products will still be shipped and sold. Pretentious vegans across the country are calling this a “huge win” for their side, and yet one more reason that people should stay away from animal products.

Golf Ball Hit From Moon During Apollo 14 Mission Found By Rover On Mars

Posted on January 25, 2015 by Abe Abrams

CAPE CANAVERAL, Florida –

NASA today confirmed images relayed to Earth by the Mars Rover are, indeed, a Titleist golf ball. Scientists were happy to report that the mystery of the golf ball has been solved, and that there’s a logical explanation for it.

”When the image of the golf ball was released, internet rumors ranged from golf playing aliens to the Mars Rover mission being a NASA hoax filmed here on Earth. I’m happy to report we have solved the mystery of the golf ball found in the Gabrielle Crater on Mars,” said Lead Mars Rover scientist Carl White. “The golf ball is none other than the one Alan Shepard hit off the lunar surface in 1971 during the Apollo 14 mission. When Mr. Shepard hit the ball on the Moon, with the Moon’s low gravity the ball was launched into space. We have calculated the ball traveled 35 million miles and took forty years to land on Mars.”

“Since the ball landed in Gabrielle Crater we are happy to say that a NASA astronaut now holds the longest hole in one record in golf history,” said president of Titleist Golf Company Joe Goldsmith. “Unfortunately, Mr. Shepard died in 1988, but I met him a few times, and I’m sure he would be proud to hold such a record.”

“Alan played golf all the time,” says widow Mary Shepard. ”I’m not sure how proud he would be though that the ball was found on Mars. When he got back from the Apollo 14 mission in 1971, he told me he was aiming at Uranus, so he must have hooked it.”

Obama Resolves To Move White House to Chicago

Posted on January 24, 2015 by davittslat

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

To the shock of all Americans and with reverberations around the world, President Obama announced that he will move the White House to Chicago by year’s end. Obama mentioned the move was spurred after he was contemplating his 2015 New Year’s resolution. The Republican brass was in an uproar with many members of Congress questioning the President’s motives, some echoing the word dictator.

“When I came before you in 2008, I said my campaign was about change. As you know, every New Year’s Eve I fill out a list of personal and private goals. My thoughts kept coming back to Chicago,” stated Obama. “While I have the utmost respect and approbation for our forefathers and the city of Washington D.C., it’s time for the White House to be centralized, which would make travel and accessibility easier for all members of Congress. Chicago is the de facto capitol of the United States. Plus, who doesn’t love that deep dish pizza?” said the President.

Senator Ted Cruz said, “This President continues his ruthless power trip. My fears for this administration keep coming to fruition. Now he’s going to uproot our nation’s legacy? When are we as a people going to intercept his attempts to will his power over the American people? What’s next? Is he going to change the Constitution citing presidential supremacy?”

Meet The Press moderator, Chuck Todd, said he had been hearing rumors that this move was imminent. “The President’s deep love for Chicago is no secret,” said Todd. “I’m hearing, though, that a variety of personal reasons are the real motives for the impending move. First, Malia and Sasha [Obama] have grown homesick, and yearn to move back to their original Hyde Park surroundings. Second, the President confides with his former Chief of Staff, Rahm Emanuel, ever day and wants to be closer to him. Third, the President wants to see more Chicago Bulls games now that Derrick Rose appears to be healthy again, and the eastern conference is wide open. He’s mentioned many times his desire to bring a future championship Bulls team to the White House.”

Sarah Palin weighed in on the issue asking, “Chicago? Maybe the President missed those American history courses when he was growing up in Kenya.”

Hillary Clinton Insisting Staff Refer To Her As ‘Mrs. President’

Posted on January 21, 2015 by davittslat

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Chris Christie. Mike Huckabee. Maybe even Mitt Romney. Apparently Hillary Clinton isn’t fazed by any potential Republican candidates of impeding her ascension to the presidency. Reportedly, Clinton has called a meeting with her internal staff, and demanded that they start addressing her as President Clinton, starting immediately.

Clinton spokesman, Dominic Santori spoke to the media. “First of all, Mrs. Clinton has not announced that she will be seeking the democratic nomination for president. I’m not saying she’s ruling out a potential run, but nothing is official. If or when it is, I can assure you we will let you know. Until then, Mrs. Clinton is touring to support her New York Times bestselling book, Hard Choices.”

Another member of Clinton’s staff spoke on condition of anonymity. “Of course she’s going to run,” cited the staffer. “This is history here. The first woman president? Why wouldn’t she want that honor? She’s running, trust me, and she’s winning.”

The staffer also confirmed that Clinton, in preparation for the run, is asking her staff to refer to her as Miss President, or President Clinton. “She wants to get used to being referred as that. Although we’re still debating if she should be called Ms., Miss, or Mrs. President. It could be Madam. We have to be prepared for that day in 2016.”

“Bill Clinton has been a part of these meetings as well, and he tried calling his wife ‘Miss President’ a few times, but kept laughing. After a few hours and cocktails, he was able to say it with a straight face. Mrs. Clinton also had a laugh referring to him as the First Lady. She joked they’ll finally have something in common. Those two have a fantastic marriage. They are going to make a great President and First Lady, again.”

Marijuana Infused Desserts To Be Made Legal For Sale Nationwide

Posted on January 21, 2015 by Raoul Stockton

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Peter Carlton, Chief of political negotiations for the National Board of Marijuana Legalities, announced this morning that marijuana-infused brownies and other pastries will be declared legal, once President Obama signs the bill into law.

Carlton, who made the highly anticipated announcement on Capitol Hill, says that congress made the right decision while ultimately making history.

“This is a huge step toward the overall legalization of marijuana. Once the bill is signed into law, it will bring the federal government one step closer to ending the unjustified prohibition of marijuana in the United States of America,” Carlton told the Associated Press. “All American citizens aged twenty-one and over will be able to walk into any liquor store in America, and purchase marijuana infused brownies, cakes, and cookies. I don’t know about you but I call this progress.”

The Obama Administration has made its pro-stance on marijuana well-known, and the President is expected to sign the bill based on statements he made last week at the National Convention of Innovative Nature Provisions and Resources.

“As our hard-working, blue-collar nation, consisting of the great, good-hearted people of America, moves forward one more huge step every day, we realize that many great opportunities lie before us. For instance, the use of taxable medical marijuana and the idea of the complete legalization of recreational marijuana for the use of Americans citizens, who are trusted with consistent and proper judgement. These are the kind of ideas that will cause our struggling but transcending economy to flourish,” President Obama stated during a speech at the annual convention held in Denver, Colorado.

While more and more members of the government are being persuaded daily that the eventual legalization of the schedule I drug is beneficial to all of America, some American citizens say legalizing the pot laced desserts it’s a disgrace such as Jim Pinkerton, a seventy-five year old resident of Huntsville, Alabama.

“I tell ya what it is, it is a disgrace the way our damn government is trying to turn our people into a country of interracial-loving dope heads. My daddy didn’t fight in World War I for a country of these damn liberal pot heads,” Pinkerton said.

The bill is expected to be signed by President Obama next month, and the desserts will be available within the weeks following.

NASA’s Hubble Telescope Discovers Signs of Life In Extremely Distant Galaxy

Posted on January 21, 2015 by Raoul Stockton

WASHINGTON, D.C –

Officials at NASA headquarters in Washington, D.C, have confirmed that the powerful Hubble telescope has found what experts believe to be conclusive evidence of life within a distant galaxy which was discovered last month.

NASA spokesperson Carl Wright said that the new findings are a major breakthrough for not only NASA, but for the entire world. “What we have found, with the proof we have discovered, this is possibly the biggest, most important finding in NASA history,” Wright told the Associated Press. “This absolutely puts to rest any doubt that life exists outside of our own galaxy.”

Peering through the giant cosmic magnifying glass, the Hubble Space Telescope spotted the galaxy last month. It is said to be the furthest galaxy ever seen, at more than 65 billion light years away. The galaxy, known as X12-P45, was detected by the Frontier Fields program, an ambitious three-year study that teams Hubble with NASA’s other observatories, the Spitzer Space Telescope and the powerful Chandra X-ray Observatory. These powerful lenses allow astronomers to find distant, dim structures that until now have been too faint to see.

Wright went on to explain in the briefing that the forms of life discovered seem to be those of intelligence. “We aren’t just talking about a few plants or trees of some kind, we are talking about intelligent life forms which have built structures, civilizations, buildings. These structures were built by something, which only leads us to believe they are aliens of some kind, maybe even very human-like beings. It remains to be seen, but this is huge progress for the entire world to find something of such important significance,” Wright stated.

When asked if NASA expects the findings of alleged intelligent life form to panic people on the planet Earth, Wright chuckled, and assured that there is no impending source of danger. “We clearly are the aggressors here, the people of the world have nothing to fear. We can’t do anything without being violent and forceful, so if we know they are there before they know we are here, then all is well. The further ahead we get in science, the bigger the advantage we have. If these turn out to be hostile alien life forms, we will take the bull by the horns. Never under-estimate the power of mankind.” he said.

Private companies, including McDonald’s and Starbucks, say they are willing to fund an expedition to explore the new galaxy and planet, in exchange for being the first Earth establishments allowed to build there.

North Korean Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un Killed In Snowmobiling Accident

Posted on January 20, 2015 by Raoul Stockton

NEW YORK CITY, New York –

The Associated Press in New York City, New York is receiving reports from the office of North Korean second-in-command Hwan Cho that North Korean Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un has been killed during a horrific snowmobiling accident just hours ago.

In the onslaught of reports bombarding press rooms, it is said that Kim Jong-un received a snowmobile as a Christmas gift from Russian President Vladimir Putin. The two had previously bonded over their shared hatred of the United States, and had developed a very close friendship according to North Korean third-in-command Chung Chin-mae, who has released a more detailed statement of the tragic account.

In his statement sent worldwide, Chung said that the Supreme Leader had taken the gift out for a joyride just after breakfast.

“It is with a heavy heart filled with sadness that I issue my words upon the people of the world, and relay this tragic message. Kim Jong-un has died after an accident involving the snowmobile given to him as a Christmas gift by Russian President Putin. Supreme Leader took the machine out for riding, and struck a tree branch. He was decapitated, dying only hours later,” Chung said in the statement.

Of course, the news bring mixed emotions among the public of North Korea. Some citizens have taken to the streets with joy, holding signs with phrases of relief, such as”We Are Free”, “The Evil Has Died”, and “America Wins.”

The thirty-one year old Kim had assumed the office of North Korean Supreme Leader on December 17th, 2011. He is survived by his spouse, Ri Sol-ju, a child, Kim Ju-ae, and live-in man slave Dong Bong-cha. Funeral arrangements have not been announced. Second-in-command Hwan Cho has reportedly assumed the title of Supreme Leader of North Korea.

Patriots Quarterback Tom Brady Quits Team After Argument With Coach Belichick

Posted on January 20, 2015 by Raoul Stockton

FOXBOROUGH, Massachusetts –

After an argument with New England Patriots head coach Bill Belichick, quarterback Tom Brady walked out of a team meeting earlier today, packed up his personal belongings, and has shockingly quit the team.

Brady, in his fifteenth NFL season, reportedly got into a heated argument with Belichick just as a pre-Super Bowl team meeting was coming to a close, after the two disagreed on where to take the team out for dinner.

“It all started over where we were going to eat, to celebrate the AFC championship. Coach wanted to go to Benihana’s, and T-Dawg wanted to go to Zanzibar. Things spiraled out of control from there,” defensive tackle Vince Wilfork said. “But it wasn’t just about that. One thing led to another, and then they ended up fighting over which movie we would all go see tomorrow night. Coach wanted to see Into The Woods, and Tom wanted to see American Sniper. That argument is when things got real. T threw up his arms and said ‘I quit, let Jimmy play in the Super Bowl, I’m tired of winning them anyway, been there done that. Have fun.’ He then packed his things and left. It was some crazy shit.”

Tight end Rob Gronkowski said the two had been feuding all season over the smallest things. “It has been like this all season long. Anything they could possibly argue over, they have. One night they argued over the official name of a specific shade of the color blue in our logos, and damn near came to blows. I literally think they are both just sick and tired of winning,” Gronkowski added.

The Patriots, coming off a staggering lopsided victory where they beat the Indianapolis Colts 45-7 in the AFC championship, will take on the reigning Super Bowl champions, the Seattle Seahawks, on February 1st in the Super Bowl.