ESPN Announces All-Nude Women’s Beach Volleyball To Air In 2015

Posted on November 6, 2014 by Abe Abrams

MIAMI, Florida –

In a change that most men say they are very excited to see, ESPN has announced this morning that they will begin coverage of an all-nude women’s volleyball league starting in 2015. The action will take place on a new ESPN pay-per-view channel starting next June, with matches costing $39.95 each.

“ESPN realizes that ratings for beach volleyball peak every four years during the summer Olympics, and lets face it, the only reason people watch is to see girls from Brazil and the Ukraine in skimpy bikinis,” said ESPN announcer Kurt Kramer. “It’s safe to say Americans don’t even consider beach volleyball a real sport. It’s just T&A. In an effort to give viewers want they want, and to increase revenue for the network, of course, in 2015 we will air the All-Nude Women’s Beach Volleyball. Some of the biggest names in the sport have already signed on, and are looking forward to showing the world their skills and assets.”

”This is an outrage. Women already have to put up with sexist comments coming from the fans all the time. I don’t think I have ever been at an event without a ‘Nip Slip’ chant coming from the animals in the stands,” said Jane Jensen, 2012 volleyball silver medalist. “I for one will be sitting out the 2015 season in protest, and I am disappointed that many of my fellow American Olympians have been signing up – although I was not surprised to hear the Ukraine sluts were raring to go.”

“This is great! Women’s beach volleyball may become bigger than football,” said Mark Miller, an avid sports fan and ESPN viewer. ”Let’s face it – women’s sports are a joke, but this is a game changer. I would even watch women’s golf if they were nude. I don’t care that it’s on pay-per-view at forty bucks a pop, I’ll watch the shit out of volleyball now. I can’t wait for the season to start. The U.S. girls tend to be flat chested, so right now I would think the Brazil and Ukraine teams will have the upper hand in the games.”

When informed that the size of their breasts had nothing to do with the scoring during the matches, Miller went on to say “Yeah, whatever. Tittays, FTW!”

Obama Enjoys D.C. Marijuana Legalization, Smokes Celebratory Blunt

Posted on November 5, 2014 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Voters in many states were able to cast their ballot on the topic of marijuana legalization yesterday, and in two of those elections, the people have spoken. Voters in Oregon and Washington D.C. have elected to allow marijuana use and possession among their citizens.

In Washington D.C., president Barack Obama, who freely admitted to smoking weed in the past, celebrated the news with a tightly rolled blunt and a few words for the people of the United States.

“As the President of the United States, there wouldn’t have been a lot of questioning if I wanted to sit in the Oval Office and rip a mad bong hit,” said Obama. “I didn’t, though, out of respect for the laws of the District, and of those states that had yet to pass laws to deregulate or legalize marijuana. Now that the voters in D.C. have spoken, though, I see no reason not to smoke a joint and relax with some Netflix and Fritos chips.”

Although the voters have spoken, the repealing of the laws actually wouldn’t take effect until signed by state congressional leaders. Residents of several states, including Florida, voted to keep or increase their marijuana laws.

“I don’t understand Florida, if I’m being honest,” said weed-smoking Miami resident John Peele. “I’ve been smoking illegally here for the last 30 years, and the vote for legalization for medical use can’t even been voted in? My God, Florida is 90% old people! They need weed for their cancer, cataracts, and confusion! They need it more than almost any other state in the country!”

“I don’t see marijuana being illegal that much longer,” said Aaron Silver, a D.C. resident who works in the White House. “It’s here in D.C., the backyard of the government, as it were. How long can we really keep throwing people in jail for growing a plant, anyway? Obama doesn’t have much time left in office, but here’s hoping that the ‘Change’ he kept talking about while running is about loosening marijuana laws.”

Fort Lauderdale Law Created To Kill Homeless People Via Starvation

Posted on November 5, 2014 by Bob The Empire News Potato

FORT LAUDERDALE, Florida –

This past Friday, a new city ordinance in Fort Lauderdale took effect, causing the public handouts of food to homeless to become a crime, punishable by fines and jail time.

No sooner had the ordinance become law than city police found it compulsory to cite three men for handing out food to the homeless, including 2 church pastors. All three men, including a 90-year-old Arnold Abbot – who has been feeding the homeless for over 20 years – could face fines of up to $500 each, and 60 days in jail.

“They don’t understand why this law was created, and why we’re just trying to do our jobs,” said Officer Joe Goldsmith of the Fort Lauderdale Police Department. “See, we have a severe homeless population here, and when you feed them, they just keep coming back. Homeless people aren’t any different from feral cats. Once you give them food, more come around, and they never leave. We’ve got to nip that problem in the bud.”

Fort Lauderdale officials say that they created the ordinance specifically to eradicate the homeless problem ‘plaguing’ their city.

“It’s disgusting. I hate homeless people,” said one city council member. “I mean, my God – get a job for crying out loud. The fact that we have so many homeless people here, it’s just mind-boggling. This new ordinance is perfect. Once we start fining these damn do-gooder types who feed the homeless, they’ll stop helping. Once the homeless can’t get food, they’ll either move on to other towns, or they’ll just die off. Either way, problem solved.”

“These people are just down on their luck, and they need a bite to eat and a friendly face,” said Mark Stuart, a resident of Fort Lauderdale who has often brought food to homeless shelters around the city. “This ordinance spits in the face of what everyone knows is right, and that’s helping your fellow-man. No one wants these people, who just need some help, to die.”

“Actually, that’s exactly what we want to happen,” said Goldsmith. “I mean, come on, they’re homeless. A lot of them even have mental illnesses or diseases, for crying out loud. We don’t need that kind of shit ‘uglying up’ our city. Let’s get rid of them, and we can become a nice, happy place once more. This law will just bring more pain to the homeless, and they’ll suffer. It’s great!”

‘Turkey Drought’ Expected To Cause Prices To Skyrocket This Thanksgiving

Posted on November 5, 2014 by Chip

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

An official statement has been released this morning by the Department of Agriculture, confirming that the United States is in the midst of what could only be called a ‘turkey drought.’

According to the spokesperson, the United States receives the majority of its turkeys manufactured for consumption from various states throughout the Midwest. The spokesperson confirmed that turkeys have been dying by the thousands over the last 4 months from a virus that only affects land birds, and has been appropriately dubbed The Foul Flu.

The flu has been claiming the lives of turkeys since late July 2014, however the epidemic has not been brought to the public’s attention until now because the Department of Agriculture did not want to cause a massive panic before the biggest turkey-eating holidays of the year.

“Look, the bottom line is that if your family typically eats turkey for Thanksgiving you may want to plan on foregoing the classic holiday bird this year,” USDA spokesperson Larry Carmichael said in a statement this morning. “Turkey prices are going to skyrocket as the holiday approaches. We’re going to be looking at prices upwards of 7 times higher than what we are used to, so it won’t be out of question to see Butterball Turkeys going for $100 – $120.”

The Department of Agriculture is warning citizens to be highly cautious if they decide to purchase a turkey this month, as they are concerned some unscrupulous stores may decide to sell counterfeit turkeys.

“If the price appears to be too good to be true, it probably is,” said Carmichael.

In response to this morning’s news surrounding the upcoming turkey shortage, the government has released an official statement asking lower-class citizens to just plan on eating chicken this Thanksgiving.

“We can’t make it mandatory that our citizens within the lower tax brackets eat chicken instead of turkey this year, however the reality of the situation is that a with the supply dwindling, a warm turkey dinner is a luxury that should be reserved for the elite, wealthy, and worthy,” said Carmichael. “We plead with our citizens to leave the purchasing of turkeys to those that can comfortably afford it.”

Experts speculate that the classic Thanksgiving turkey dinner should be able to happen again by 2016, once they have eradicated the disease.

38-Year-Old Man Sues Parents, Blames Them For His Small Penis

Posted on November 4, 2014 by JP

DURHAM, North Carolina –

David Jones, age 38, is in a heated court settlement this month and the case is raising eyebrows all over the nation. Jones is currently suing his parents, Mary and Jon Jones, but for something that most would agree they had no control over.

Jones has been in court trying to get a settlement for over a month, and it appears his lawyer is making a good case for him.

Late in September, Jones filed the lawsuit in a Durham court that blamed his parents for his very small penis. His defense is that it has caused him depression, anxiety, and problems finding a girlfriend or wife because of it. At age 10, David had a penis that was only 3 inches when erect, and he has confirmed that it has not grown since.

“I’m tired of this little boy’s penis,” said Jones in his court appearance. “I am ashamed of it. I just want to hide my face in sorrow. That’s why I’m suing my parents and making a giant, public spectacle over it, because I don’t want anyone to know how tiny my penis really is.”

Jones’ parents are in shock over the case, and are pleading to the judge that they had no control over the situation. Their claim is that although they wish that they could have provided David with his desired penis size, like a lot of things David wanted growing up, this is just one more thing they had no control over.

Jones parents have admitted that this is an issue he has been upset about since he was a child, but they continued to tell him that it would grow as he got older.

“He always wanted a bigger penis,” said Jon Jones, 61. “He saw me in the shower once by accident when he was about 7, and I think it’s given him emotional distress ever since. I mean, not to brag, but I’ve got more hose than a nervous fireman. If he’s got a baby penis, then those genes came from his mother’s side, not mine.”

“David’s parents have admitted he complained about his penis size, or lack thereof, non-stop growing up, but they did nothing about it. If he was begging for food and didn’t receive anything to eat, his parents would have behind bars years ago. That is the angle my client is taking, and I can tell that people are starting to see things in a different light,” said Jones’ lawyer Joseph Goldsmith.

If a settlement in the case can be reached, Jones has said he will undergo surgery to increase the size of his penis, both length and girth.

Casey Anthony Adopts 3-Year-Old Girl From Florida Foster Care Center

Posted on November 3, 2014 by Abe Abrams

ORLANDO, Florida –

Public court records reveal that Casey Anthony has adopted a 3-year-old girl from the Florida Foster Care and Adoption Agency. Casey Anthony is the infamous mother accused in the murder of her then 2-year-old daughter Caylee, in the 2011 trial that riveted the nation. Anthony and her lawyers were somehow able to overcome a mountain of evidence and, in a verdict that shocked the world, was found not guilty by a jury of people who must have been some of the stupidest people alive.

“I take my job seriously, and all applicants for adoption go through a rigorous screening process. I have to look at the facts, and the fact is, Casey was found not guilty in the murder of her natural-born daughter,” said Martha McDonald, the social worker in charge of the adoption. “The other fact is, we need to find homes for children in the foster care system. Casey filed all the paperwork properly, she has a home, a part-time job, and I think she just wants to have a normal life and have a family again. I wish their new family all the best, and I will probably check in with them from time to time, if I think of it, to make sure everything is okay – at least for the first month or two.”

Reporters found Anthony unboxing hammers for a display at the Home Depot, where she apparently works part-time as an associate. “Yup, it’s true. I’m going to be a mom again! I’m happy. Maggie, that’s my new daughter’s name, by the way, Maggie – she is happy. I just want to forget that whole former life and tragedy surrounding it, and move on. Maggie and I have a lot to look forward to. She’s excited about her new pre-school, we are having a pool installed, and I met a wonderful man. I just have to change his mind about not wanting children, though. Life is certainly looking up!”

NYC Mayor Bill de Blasio Bans Smoking On City Streets

Posted on October 31, 2014 by Abe Abrams

NEW YORK, New York –

At a press conference earlier today, NYC Mayor Bill de Blasio announced that he would be banning smoking in public areas, including city streets.

”Let me read you the definition of litter,” said de Blasio. “Litter consists of waste products that have been disposed improperly, without consent, at an inappropriate location. Ladies and gentlemen it is with that definition I am banning cigarette, cigar, and pipe smoking on city streets in all five boroughs. Second hand smoke is litter, make no mistake. If I could declare cigarettes illegal I would but I can take steps to make sure no one on city streets has to see or breathe in their poisonous fumes.”

James Jenson, Philip Morris spokesman commented on the new ban, saying ”I don’t have much to say at this time, we were only just giving a copy of the press release and our legal team is just now looking it over. What I can say is that Philip Morris is this nation’s leading manufacturer of cigarettes, and we go to great lengths putting people’s health before profit. We will continue to make the very best cigarettes and we will continue to fight for a persons right to enjoy a smoke wherever they are.”

”It’s getting ridiculous, first Bloomberg tells us we can’t drink big gulps and now this new idiot is telling me I can’t have a smoke on the street,” said avid smoker Carmine Classi of Brooklyn. “I can’t smoke at work, the wife won’t let me smoke in the house, I’m getting treated like a second class citizen.”

“Smoking kills more people each year than all other illegal drugs combined, and cigarettes are a drug peddled by corporations, for what? For profit, that’s what,” said de Blasio. “They are selling death for profit. As of November 1st, the smoking ban will go into effect in New York. Initially, there will be a fine of $50 dollars for the first offense, and a $100 dollar fine for all offenses after that. All proceeds from the fines will go directly to rebuilding inner city parks and playgrounds.”

Scientific Study Proves O.J. Simpson Is Greatest Athlete of All Time

Posted on October 30, 2014 by Chip

DELUTH, Minnesota –

A scientific study conducted at Martinvale University has been released today naming O.J Simpson the greatest athlete of all time. Martinvale representative Daniel Carson sat down with a correspondent from CNN this afternoon to discuss the study in further detail, starting off by addressing the shock and controversy the study has already received.

“Look, I know this isn’t going to be a popular discovery, but like it or not, The Juice is the greatest athlete we have ever seen, and will probably ever see.”

Carson proceeded to give a breakdown of the study. “O.J was a monster on and off the field, I mean the guy rushed for over 2,000 yards in a 14 game season, and played in 6 Pro Bowls. He is such a beast he was able to rush for over 200 yards in 6 different games throughout his amazing career.”

After continuing to spend a brief period quoting O.J Simpson’s NFL stats that anyone could easily find on Wikipedia, Carson took an odd and controversial turn in the conversation

“The fact of the matter is that The Juice has it all. Today we have athletes like Ray Rice that aren’t even able to get away with simple domestic violence. A civil court found that O.J straight murdered two people like a savage, and he never saw a day behind bars for it.”

Carson tells CNN that it’s these ‘pure animal instincts’ and smarts that allowed O.J to get away with murder both on and off the field. “Greatest Athlete is not a title handed down purely for brute strength or game statistics, it’s having the brain to think on your feet and tie it all together.”

The study also makes reference to O.J’s acting career and states his performance in Roots and The Naked Gun can only be described as brilliant. The claim was made within the study that “it’s those charismatic and sharp instincts within O.J’s genes that allowed him to excel as an actor that contributed to him being a phenomenal athlete. There really is a huge and overlooked crossover between the skills that make one a great actor and a great athlete.”

Though the results of the study are understandably widely disputed, Carson wrapped up his interview with CNN by saying “If O.J were to suit up today at age 67, he’d be the best player in the NFL, and if he so chose he could be the best player in the NBA, NHL, or MLB. That’s an indisputable fact.”

Confused Teen Burns Down House After Trying ‘Smoky Eye’ Makeup Effect

Posted on October 30, 2014 by DvanL

BATAVIA, Illinois –

A little knowledge can be a dangerous thing. 13-year-old Bobbie Vicha finally reached that magical age – the age when her mother told her she could start wearing makeup.

The eve of Bobbie’s 13^th birthday was like Christmas Eve in the Vicha household. “She saved her allowance for months to buy some makeup,” said her mother Barbara, speaking from a downtown Batavia Red Cross emergency shelter.

Brought up to be environmentally responsible, Bobbie researched which cosmetics were animal friendly, and which ones contained harmful chemicals, which she wanted to avoid.

Returning from the nearby Yorktown Center mall, Bobbie sprinted upstairs to begin the transformation process. “We almost got a speeding ticket on the way back from Yorktown,” said Barbara. “She was so excited to get home, and I was so excited for her. We talked about different looks and eye shadows, and she really wanted to do the ‘smoky eye’ look that all the celebrities use.”

What Barbara didn’t know was that Bobbie’s attempt at authenticity would involve actual smoke – from potpourri the teen used to naturally scent her room. Bobbie burned some of the natural plant material and used the ash to create the ‘smoke’ look. “I didn’t know she was going to use any fire or matches,” said her mother.

The excitement apparently clouded Bobbie’s judgment. While studying online makeup tutorials in the opposite corner of her bedroom, a smoldering ember of potpourri apparently ignited the youngster’s frilly curtains.

“When I turned around,” said the sobbing teen, “the whole room was on fire. It happened so fast and all I could do was scream and run downstairs.”

Bobbie alerted her mother that the house was on fire, grabbed her pet cat Chloe and the wireless kitchen phone. “It was a cheap phone,” said Barbara, “and it was out of range when we got to the front yard. The fire spread so quick – the whole house went up just like that!” Fire officials arrived after a neighbor phoned in the emergency.

Medical personnel initially thought Bobbie had been badly burned, as only one eye had been made up to look ‘smoky,’ while the other eye was badly smeared. Bobbie explained to fire officials what had happened, and that no mystery or foul play was involved.

“I appreciate her honesty,” said Barbara “She fessed up, and it was an accident. The home was fully covered by fire insurance. She feels bad enough already.”

When asked if the teen would be allowed to concoct her own makeup in the future, her mother replied, “Screw that – I’m buying her some Maybelline!”

New Federal Law Makes It Illegal To Wear Racist, ‘Insensitive’ Halloween Costumes

Posted on October 30, 2014 by Chip

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

It has just been announced that a new law will be enforced this Halloween outlawing any Halloween costume that could be viewed as racist or ‘insensitive.’ The law is being passed down from the federal government and is estimated to effect over a million United States citizens come October 31^st.

It is unclear what has prompted this last-minute regulation to be implemented, however experts speculate that the thousands of white guys that have vocalized their plan to use “black face” to imitate Ray Rice this Halloween probably have something to do with it.

One expert said, “Over the last 5 years, the media’s obsession with racy, obscene, or insensitive Halloween costumes has reached an all-time high, and I think the government felt it was finally time to jump in and regulate the situation, I personally think the law is brilliant and I welcome it with open arms. They are just in the nick of time before Halloween this year. I’m glad they didn’t hold out until next Halloween. This is definitely an issue that needed to be nipped in the bud.”

In this morning’s press conference from the White House, it was announced that the federal government will be working closely with local law enforcement everywhere to ensure 100% compliance of the new regulation. It has been reported that local police will be “dropping by” all costume parties to ensure that everyone’s having a blast while wearing appropriate attire. It has been made very clear that no warnings will be issued; anybody out of code will be spending the night on the cold floor of their local jail and could be facing fines of upwards of $950.

Though a full list of approved costumes has not been released, the law clearly outlines, if you are Caucasian you are not to dress in any way that imitates or pokes fun at Blacks, Indians (of any kind), Mexicans, Gypsies, or Asians. It is unclear if rich white folks can dress as ‘Poor White Trash.’ The law also states that African-American citizens will be permitted to dress as President Obama, however caucasian citizens cannot. It was said, though, that anyone of any race or ethnicity will be permitted to dress in costumes that poke fun at previous presidents Bush and Clinton.

Those that oppose the new law say that it seems to be discriminatory and directed only to the Caucasian population, as there are not clearly outlined regulations on what any other ethnicities are required to avoid.

A government spokesperson responded to the allegation by chuckling and saying “Oh man, people will complain about anything!”

Those hoping that the new seemingly heavy-handed regulation will be discarded by next year are in for a disappointment, as it’s been said an even stricter law is being drafted and should be passed by Halloween 2015.