Trojan Creates New ‘Juniors’ Condom Line For Pre-Teen Market

Posted on October 29, 2014 by Abe Abrams

PRINCETON, New Jersey –

Trojan Condoms announced a new, smaller sized condom yesterday, one they say they are specifically marketing to sexually active pre-teens. The company says they are trying to acknowledge the fact that kids are slipping it in each other at younger and younger ages, and wants everyone to be protected.

“It’s a sign of the world we live in today, children younger and younger are having sex and they have the same risk as adults of contracting STDs and unwanted pregnancies,” said CEO Bill Blass. “We at Trojan see this as a huge potential market, so today we announce our new line of ‘Trojan Juniors.’ These condoms will live up to the same strict quality assurances as our adult condoms, but will be sized to fit young men in the 7 to 12-year-old range. Plus, each box will have cartoon illustrations showing the correct way to wear, and use, our Trojan Juniors.”

“It’s about time!” Said Planned Parenthood spokesperson Lisa Levin. “This has been a big need for ages. The number of pre-teen pregnancies is going through the roof, as evident by MTV’s new hit show 12 and Pregnant. We at the Planned Parenthood organization will make sure that Trojan Juniors are made readily available at all elementary and middle schools that we can as soon as possible.”

Aside from children, Blass says that Trojan Juniors will be beneficial to ‘smaller’ men, who never had a place to turn when it came to proper fit and size. Larry Lynn, President of the Wee Man Club of Houston, said “I look forward to trying Trojan Juniors, personally. I just pre-ordered a dozen of the ribbed ones. It will be nice to have a condom that doesn’t fall off during sex, because I can assure you, not everything is bigger in Texas.”

“Down the line, the brand may feature licensed characters and celebrities including Spongebob Squarepants and Justin Bieber on the condoms themselves,” said Blass. “We’ve really got a good feeling about the future of this new product, and we’re really looking forward to it all coming together.”

Not to be outdone by a competing brand, Durex announced early this morning a new line of smaller condoms as well, conveniently named Durex Minis. Both brands expect to have their new products to market by December.

Quack Doctor Arrested in ‘Urine Therapy’ Scam

Posted on October 28, 2014 by DvanL

NEW YORK, New York –

In 1988, Dr. Peter Hobart rented a commercial space on the Upper East Side of Manhattan, and transformed it into a drug testing facility.

“His place was always packed,” said local deli worker Luke Jacobs. “Everybody called him Doctor P. He had a million clients, people were pouring in and out of the place like crazy.”

What Jacobs and the rest of the city didn’t know was that the doctor wasn’t a doctor at all – he’s a longtime con-man who apparently has a rather strange fetish.

Hobart asked several clients to take part in a bogus “urine/oxygen” study he was conducting. Volunteers were required to produce and submit urine samples, some as frequently as 3 times a week. After many months, when no study appeared, several of his clients began to suspect the water in the well was bad.

One patient took part in the fake doc’s so-called ‘Trevi Fountain’ project. “He wanted to find out if a person would go to the bathroom more if a song or a movie that had to do with rain, or the ocean was playing in the background, that kind of thing” said Patient X. “He said it was psychological, and I’d be in a medical journal. One day when I was about to give my sample, Dr. P. brought in a tv, and played that famous movie with the blonde lady who runs through the water fountain in Italy – La Dolce Vita – that’s the name of it. Anyway, so I had to do ‘number one’ during the water fountain scene, and Dr. P. took notes. He accidentally dropped his clipboard and I just happened to glance down at it; the page was just full of doodles of penises – some had smiling faces, some were erect, and most of them were peeing. I pretended I didn’t notice, but I felt all sick inside. As soon as I left I called the police. I didn’t even use my real name when I called, I was so embarrassed.”

Dr. P. was arrested last month and charged with falsifying medical records, misrepresentation, medical quackery, and Medicare fraud. A hidden camera was also discovered in a room used by clients to produce samples.

Officials estimate it will take three to four months to retrace the financial trail Hobart left in his wake. “We’ll never be able to locate all the paperwork,” said one accountant from the DA’s office, “and people are too embarrassed to give information. Can’t blame them, I guess. I’d be so pissed off if something like that happened to me.”

Hobart faces up to 20 years in prison if convicted. His lawyer entered a plea for a reduced sentence if Doctor P. helps locate the missing financial records. Sentencing will take place before the end of the year.

Man Dies Attempting to Stab Straw Into Capri Sun Juice Pouch

Posted on October 28, 2014 by JP

LAREDO, Texas –

Strange news out of Laredo, Texas this morning after the body of 26-year-old Cole York was discovered by neighbors in his apartment building late Monday evening. Police reports say that Cole was killed when he attempted to open a Capri Sun pouch and accidentally stabbed himself in the brachial artery, a major artery located in the upper arm, with the straw.

Police are calling the incident a ‘freak accident,’ and say that it’s the first time they’ve ever seen such carnage from an injury sustained via straw.

“I’ve never seen anything like this, such a small straw, I don’t know how it did so much damage to this poor guy,” said officer Tyler Reed. “I was the first one on the scene, we had a 911 call from his apartment, and when no one answered the door I kicked it in. I went to the kitchen and it looked like a horror movie. The blood had spewed through the straw and was all over the kitchen. The walls were covered.”

Rudolf Wild Ltd., the makers of Capri Sun, have yet to comment on the death or about the safety of their product, but a company spokesperson did say that there was no planned recall of their juice pouches. Police and health officials are asking people to stab their Capri Sun pouch with caution, if they absolutely have no other means to get their intake of juice.

“It is defiantly bizarre. My kids drink Capri Sun, and it had never occurred to me that I needed to be concerned about juice-related injuries,” said Reed. “They’ve always made it kind of tricky to get the straw in the little dot, but it never crossed my mind that it could be deadly. Now I’ve seen everything.”

Parents Of Mentally Disabled Teen Plan Lawsuit Against ‘Transformers’ Director Michael Bay

Posted on October 28, 2014 by Chip

PHOENIX, Arizona –

Jeremy and Linda Watson are preparing a lawsuit against director Michael Bay for the pain and suffering they are currently experiencing due to their 14-year-old son Nate’s behavior after he watched the latest Transformers film. Jeremy and Linda say that Nate has a mental handicap, and doesn’t understand that the movie is pretend.

Linda Watson has said that the issue stems around Nate having a hard time differentiating between what is real and what is fictional.

The parents say they typically ensure Nate doesn’t have access to fictional and ‘fantastical’ material of any sort, however they had rented Transformers from Redbox for themselves, and accidentally left in the family’s blu-ray player after watching it last Saturday night. The next morning, Nate woke up and noticed the Redbox case sitting on the player and started watching the movie without alerting his parents.

The Watson’s realized Nate had watched the movie when they found him in a panicked state, throwing all of his Hot Wheels toys out the family’s living room. Nate told his parents that he can’t have them anymore because he doesn’t want them to transform.

In addition to being terrified of his once favorite toys, he refuses to get in the family’s minivan in fear that it will transform. The Watson’s have said that attempting to get Nate in the car is an excruciating task. Linda said “It’s an incredibly miserable experience, he cries, kicks, screams, and uses vulgar language. Not only is his behavior jarring, but it’s embarrassing for us as all of the neighbors stop to stare at the scene Nate is creating.”

As of today, the Watson’s have not been able to find an attorney willing to take on the case. In a recent interview with a local newspaper, Jeremy Watson was quoted saying “Michael Bay has more money than God after making all these big-budget, Hollywood crapfest films he’s known for, and he deserves to pay. It’s his responsibility to make sure that people with disabilities don’t see his films, and it’s his responsibility to make sure that he isn’t creating films that will harm children or young adults.”

Redbox looked into credit card transactions, and has indicated that they have no record of the Watsons ever renting the Transformers movie. Michael Bay could not be reached for comment.

Senate Seeks To Pass Law Requiring Castration For All Sex Offenders

Posted on October 27, 2014 by DvanL

WASHINGTON, DC –

Iowa State Senator Joni Ernst is sponsoring a bill aimed at society’s most heinous criminals – sex offenders. Ernst gained notoriety after her US Senate campaign commercial about animal castration went viral. The attention-getting ad contained the line: “I grew up castrating hogs on an Iowa farm. So when I get to Washington, I’ll know how to cut pork.”

“I was ridiculed from a lot of people after that and had to disappear for a while,” said Ernst. “But then I thought long and hard about what matters to me. I kept hearing this voice in my head, and it said ‘go with what you know … go with what you know.’”

Ernst introduced a House Resolution that would require castration of all male sex offenders beginning in 2015. “The system we have going now isn’t working well at all,” she said. “In the criminal justice system, sexually based offenses are considered especially heinous. We need stricter laws to protect society.”

Sex offenders are required to list themselves in a state’s sex offender registry. When they relocate, they are required to notify neighbors of their sex offender status. Often, drugs that suppress sex drive are used as a part of a ‘chemical’ castration treatment.

“I’m aware of chemical castration,” said the state senator, “but people often go off their meds. The current system also results in neighborhood unrest, and the offender eventually moves from location to location which is dangerous. Eventually, some of them slip through the cracks, and re-offend. The resolution I’m sponsoring will put an end to all of that.”

“That’s just nuts,” said human rights advocate Paul Zubra. “We say we live in a civilized society, but this is the most uncivilized society can get, not counting the death penalty. I can understand incarceration and monitoring, even living in a sort of halfway house setting because at least there’s therapy involved there. Sex offenders are the worst of society. But, to castrate…Oh man – the penis? It just leaves a bad taste in my mouth.”

“My method is permanent,” said Sen. Ernst. “One medically supervised procedure and snip-snap, it’s done. We’re not talking about some primitive act with sharp stones or hot pokers and steak knives – we’re talking about scalpels and doctors and nurses and hospitals. It would be great to just let the victimized party hack at the genitals of their attacker with a meat cleaver, but that isn’t what this bill is about.”

Whether or not the resolution passes, Sen. Ernst knows that she will forever be associated with neutering. “That doesn’t bother me,” she said. “Sometimes you just gotta grab life by the balls, and then cut those balls clean off. The important thing here is I’m doing what I know is right. It’s all about getting to the root of the problem, and nipping it in the bud.”

The bill comes up for a vote before the Senate’s Thanksgiving recess.

Milwaukee Parents Arrested For Giving Newborn Baby Racist Name

Posted on October 26, 2014 by DvanL

MILWAUKEE, Wisconsin –

Justin and Jan Bunnie, parents of a newborn baby boy were arrested shortly after returning home with their bundle of joy. Why would parents of a newborn be taken into custody at this most important time in their lives? Police Chief Arthur McManus said, “We didn’t ‘arrest’ them exactly; we ‘pre-arrested” them. Like detaining. We were following court orders. The judge said they set the kid up for abuse in the future, so we had to take them in.”

Justin and Jan were first brought to the attention of the courts by doctors and nurses at the hospital where their baby was born. According to court records, the judge decided that they had given their newborn a name which, when coupled with their last name, forms a racial slur for African-Americans. The editors of Empire News respect the intelligence and sensitivity of our readers, and in the interest of privacy and respect to the newborn, will refer to the baby simply by his first initial, ‘J.’

The couple was arrested for what Superior Court Judge Sylvia Hargrave called “future potential abuse from society at large due to irresponsible parenting and judgement leading to lifelong emotional damage.”

In an interview From the Milwaukee Secure Detention Facility, Justin Bunnie said, “We didn’t mean nothing racial. We wanted our kid to be someone special and get noticed in the world to succeed in life. Even if what the judge said is true, then my baby would have to defend himself and be strong. You got to be strong to survive in this tough world, so this would make him stronger.”

“I wanted him to be a like a celebrity,” said Baby J—’s mother, Jan. “Like sometimes famous people will have unique names that get attention and all the internet stories, like the Kardashians and Honey Boo Boo. Everybody knows their names and they are rich and happy. That’s what we want for our little J—. It’s not fair to put us in jail.

The couple’s public defender, John Offmore spoke about the case. “We’re petitioning to have them released on probation in exchange for a change of baby name. It is unfortunate that a child would go through life being called “J— Bunnie. I’ve told my clients that although it is their choice, it was misguided, and they seem to have taken it seriously.”

Justin Bunnie reluctantly went along with his legal counsel’s idea. “Well, it’s for the good of the baby,” he said. “And we also got to think about our older son, Francis.” Francis goes by the nickname ‘Fuzzy.’ “No one had a problem with that name.”

The couple should be released within the week. An alternate name has not yet been chosen, although Jan Bunnie was provided with a baby name book, courtesy of the State of Wisconsin. “I’m kind of leaning towards ‘Harry,’ but I have to check with my husband first,” she said.

Teenage Boy Dressed as Bigfoot Shot by Texas Hunter, Clings To Life In Hospital

Posted on October 24, 2014 by DvanL

RALEN, Texas –

A tragic story today out of Texas. Avid hunter Henry Hill accidentally shot his 14-year-old neighbor, Joey Gribble, who was testing out his Bigfoot costume he’d created for Halloween.

“Joey is a perfectionist,” said his mother Nancy, while holding vigil at her son’s bedside. “He spent weeks and weeks on that costume. His favorite movie is Harry and the Hendersons, and he watches it at least three times a day. He wanted to go as John Lithgow for Halloween last year, but he couldn’t get the costume exactly right, so I suggested that he just go as Harry himself, the Bigfoot; Now I regret making that suggestion.”

The fascination with Bigfoot, the elusive ape-like creature, has spawned much debate. Largely discounted by the scientific community, its existence is kept alive by folklore and sporadic, if not verifiable, eyewitness sightings. Also known as Sasquatch, the beast continues to provoke interest, most recently evidenced by a television special, Killing Bigfoot, set to debut on the TLC cable network.

“I don’t know anything about those guys who are out to ‘find’ Bigfoot,” said Hill. “My neighbors know that this was a terrible accident. We’re all devastated. I mean secretly, at first I was really excited when he went down, because I thought I had really shot Bigfoot, and I was going to be rich! I don’t know why Joey needed to test the costume out while running through the woods grunting, but that was just the kind of boy he was. Joey is like a son to me, and I’ll tell you what, I’m hurting as much as his family is.”

Family physician Dr. Scarlett Maizie said: “Joey was critically injured in a shooting accident while dressed in a Bigfoot Halloween costume, and what I can tell you now is that he is receiving the best care possible, and we are excited to see that his condition is slightly improving as the hours go by – but he’s not out of the woods yet. Well, literally he’s out of the woods, you know, but metaphorically we don’t know 100% if he’ll make it. His Bigfoot costume is certainly ruined, though. Unless, of course, he wants to go as ‘Zombie Bigfoot’ next Halloween.”

“Everyone knows everyone here,” said Joseph’s father Dale. “It really bugs me that some people think we’re just a bunch of gun-toting, conspiracy-believing crazies, when that’s not the case. Although in retrospect, I wish that Joey had just been into Spider-Man movies or something.”

Dale also added that a number of strangers have offered messages of support. The town’s nearest city, McManorburgh, which for decades has held a fierce football rivalry with Ralen, dedicated its last football game to the family, and the team’s coach delivered a halftime message of support, urging fans to keep the family in their thoughts and prayers.

“Yup,” said neighbor Mike Judge. “That’s what we do here, we stick together. Like glue we do, we stick together like glue.”

ISIS Supporter In Houston Beaten Unconscious By Army Veteran

Posted on October 23, 2014 by DvanL

HOUSTON, Texas –

The Militants of the Islamic State in Iraq and al-Sham (ISIS) have lately become the most fanatical radical organization in the world. Cult-like recruiting tactics have gone global, with reports of American citizens lending support, and even traveling overseas to pledge their allegiance to the anti-American group.

Yesterday in Houston at Dodson Lake Park, one such supporter who had decided to speak out in favor of the terrorist organization and against America was beaten unconscious by a US Army veteran.

The anti-American speaker, whose name has been withheld until a security check can be fully completed, insisted he was exercising his Constitutional freedom of speech rights when he began approaching strangers at the popular water park/playground and quoting from the pro-ISIS leaflets he was handing out.

Vietnam and Gulf War war veteran Jim McDaniels, 61, was spending the day with his wife and twin granddaughters when he noticed a man who he described as ‘a little jumpy’ walking up to everyone handing out leaflets. “He walked over to us, kind of pushed the thing in our face and said ‘spread the word,’ so I took it,” explained McDaniels. “Then he started to walk away. The paper had all these symbols on it, pictures of ISIS guards and a map of the United States with a big red X on it next to a frowny face. ‘Is this shit for real?’ I asked him. I never swear, mind you. But it was so hateful it got under my skin. That’s why I decided to tell this guy to get lost,” said McDaniels.

The vet walked over to the unidentified speaker and asked him to stop handing out the anti-American material. “I was telling him for his own good – you don’t pick a place like Houston to start talking against the government – you’re gonna get your butt kicked. I just wanted him to get the hell away.”

The protester didn’t take kindly to the advice offered to him by McDaniels. “He got in my face,” said McDaniels, “and started saying it’s his right to say whatever he wants, the US has oppressed people all over the world, blah blah blah and all this other junk. I fought for his right to speak in not one but two wars, and told him so. Once he found out I was a veteran, he started calling me a traitor, and that’s when I lost it. I clocked the guy – one punch and boom down he went. My family stepped in and pulled me away.”

Now the protester is suing McDaniels. “It doesn’t surprise me a bit,” said the veteran. “I knocked the guy out cold. It’s funny, though, because if he’s so anti-America, he certainly isn’t showing it by doing the most American thing there is and taking me to court.”

As for the lawsuit, McDaniels isn’t worried. “Believe it or not, I’m not mad at the guy. I’m sure he’s harmless, but severely misguided, obviously. He doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I’ve got a lawyer, we’ll figure something out, but I don’t think he’ll be coming around the park again any time soon.”

Toys ‘R’ Us To Pull All Toys From Shelves, Doesn’t Want To Risk Offending Anyone

Posted on October 22, 2014 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WAYNE, New Jersey –

Last week, a Florida mother petitioned big box retailer Toys ‘R’ Us to remove a line of action figures based around popular TV show Breaking Bad. The Fort Myers, Florida mother, Susan Schrivjer, started a petition on the website change.org, encouraging people to sign, hoping to get the retailer to remove the toys that she deemed were inappropriate for children.

This morning, Toys ‘R’ Us announced that, unbelievably, Schrivjer has won her battle, and the company will be removing the toys from their shelves immediately. “Let’s just say, the action figures have taken an indefinite sabbatical,” Toys R Us said in a written statement to the press. The retailer had maintained that the figures were sold in limited quantities in the adult-action-figure area of its stores, an area that every TRU store has.

Unfortunately, it looks as the retail giant will not stop with just the Breaking Bad figures, called out for their realism and adult-oriented accessories, including guns and bags of meth. Toys ‘R’ Us has officially announced that they will be pulling every toy from the shelves, lest anyone get offended.

“We know that to most people, toys, action figures, video games, and the like, are extremely mundane, and meant for fun – nothing to get offended over,” said Geoffrey Giraffe, the president of Toys ‘R’ Us. “There is that small sub-sect of people out there, though, that seek out things to be offended by, and then they start their complaints and their petitions, and it’s a media headache, and we just don’t want to deal with it, frankly.”

The company said that normally they’d be rushing to get the latest hot toys and games onto the shelves in preparation for a giant fourth-quarter and holiday season, but instead they are beginning to empty their shelves.

“Sadly, one bad egg has spoiled it for everyone. We deal with millions of customers a year, we want to make sure we listen to every single one of them. If even one is not happy, then we’re not doing our jobs. If they have a complaint, we put our tail between our legs and give in; that’s loyalty and customer dedication. Personally, I only wish we had the resolve of a company like Ben & Jerry’s,” said Giraffe, referencing that company’s announcement last week that they would not give into unnecessary and stupid customer complaint, and would continue use of the name of their ice cream ‘Hazed and Confused.’

“I think the mother who started the petition sounds like a meddling, obnoxious, do-gooder, pain in the ass,” said Robert Thomas, a customer of Toys ‘R’ Us. “I can’t believe that they’re pulling the figures. Seriously, they have Nightmare on Elm Street figures with Freddy Kruger who has knives for fingers. They have Barbies with unattainably-sized tiny hips and fat asses. They have creepy dolls that you feed and then they actually shit their diapers. Yet action figures, that no child should even be familiar with unless their parents let them watch the show in the first place, are offensive? Get a damn life, woman.”

“It’s a sad day for the world of toys and consumer choice, it really is,” said Giraffe. The company plans to remain open, despite not having any product to sell. “We may keep the candy, on the shelves, I suppose. I just hope we don’t offend any diabetics or anything.”

Redbox Partners With Vivid Entertainment, Company To Stock XXX Films In Kiosks

Posted on October 22, 2014 by Chip

LOS ANGELES, California –

Several communities across America are outraged at news released this morning of Redbox, everyone’s favorite video store replacement, partnering with porn-titans Vivid Entertainment to bring adult films to grocery store and gas station kiosks everywhere.

Redbox and Vivid made the announcement this morning that hardcore, adult entertainment will become ‘more easily accessible to consumers than ever,’ as they begin to roll out rentals of pornographic titles at all Redbox kiosks by the end of 2014. Naturally, a large concern from parents is that Rebox will not have an acceptable verification process in place.

When asked how they will ensure underage customers aren’t renting hardcore porn DVDs, Redbox responded by saying “Just like with R-rated movies we have in the kiosks now, the customer will be asked if they are over 18 and will be required to say yes.”

When is was questioned as to what would stop a child from selecting the ‘yes’ button indicating they are of legal age to obtain pornographic material, Redbox responded by saying “We’re basically operating on the honor system. We trust our customers to be honest with their responses. Besides, kids don’t have credit cards anyway.”

“We think it’s time someone put the porn rental business back on the map,” said representatives for Vivid. The company promises that each kiosk will contain at least 30 hardcore titles to choose from.

A Vivid spokesperson also guaranteed several spicy sub-genres to choose from. “We understand today’s consumer doesn’t want to watch boring, middle-aged white people have missionary sex, so we are committed to stocking each kiosk with multiple options to float your boat. You can expect interracial, BBW, fetish, Asian, and celebrity categories at each location.”

Redbox has confirmed that the new adult DVDs won’t cost the consumer any more than a standard DVD rental. According to the press release, they will also be offering a discounted Adult DVD with every standard DVD rental the week of the kick off.

Both companies have avoided directly addressing the likely hood of underage customers being able to access the pornographic material. They have each taken the stand that it’s up to the parents to manage their children’s sexual urges, and if they want to blame someone for underage children looking at boobies, they should blame the internet.

“Parents need to realize that corporations shouldn’t have to be responsible for their kids, and what they’re watching, doing, eating, or seeking out as entertainment,” said Redbox. “The old phrase ‘It takes a village to raise a child’ does not say anything about corporations and mega-companies. That said, we respect all of our customers, regardless of their horrible parenting skills.”

Unsurprisingly, one of the largest objectors to the partnership are the internet ‘tube sites’ that provide unlimited porn to millions of consumers each day. Sources have speculated that the new arrangement between Redbox and Vivid could potentially cost the top tube sites millions of dollars per year in ad revenue, assuming that people forget that anything you want can be had for free on the internet.