AMC Announces ‘Breaking Bad’ To Return For 6th Season; You Won’t Believe This Plot Twist

Posted on October 14, 2014 by A. Michael Smith

LOS ANGELES, California –

If you were are fan of the hit AMC TV show Breaking Bad, then I hope you’re sitting down for this news. Vince Gilligan, the creator of the much-loved series, has announced that on top of working on creating spin-off series Better Call Saul, he and his writers have begun working on a sixth season for Breaking Bad.

“It’s true, we did decide to come back for another round with Walt,” said series creator Gilligan. “Better Call Saul is going to be able to stand on its own, but there is more to Walt’s story. He hasn’t died just yet.”

Gilligan says that the story he wanted to tell got wrapped up ‘too quickly,’ and that he, his producers, and AMC executives mutually decided that they needed to provide the fans with at least one more season.

“I was contacted by executives from AMC, the network which had been our home for five great seasons,” said Gilligan. “They told me, in no few words, that they couldn’t survive as a company on just the strength of The Walking Dead; as good as people think that show is for some reason, as many records as it might break, it doesn’t have the viewership or the type of rabid fans that Bad has. So yes, this is about continuing the story for our fans, but it’s also about AMC really, really not wanting to let go of a franchise that has made their channel a contender in the world of cable.”

Series star Bryan Cranston, who previously played the lovable, goofy father on Malcolm In The Middle, became famous as Walter White, teacher-turned-meth dealer, who fans couldn’t get enough of for 5 straight years.

“I knew the show would be huge,” said Cranston in an interview last May. “It was written too well, the ideas and characters so involved, it was a lot of fun working on the series, and I’m glad I got to be a part of it.”

Cranston said that he was approached almost immediately last month about continuing the series, and didn’t hesitate for a second once he was told a bit about where they wanted to go with his character, and with the series as a whole.

“I loved playing Walter, and I was glad to jump at the chance to do it one more time,” said Cranston. “We have a lot of things happening in this last season – not giving too much away, obviously Walter didn’t die. Jesse is on the run, and our relationship is strained. The DEA and FBI don’t know Walter is alive, so the meth still flows for a while. I already know that Walt ends up in jail at some point, there is a trial, but you can bet that won’t be how the series ends, either. Everyone will be in for a real treat in season 6, I can promise that. I haven’t seen the final ending script, so hell, maybe season 6 won’t even be the last, who knows?”

Breaking Bad, which was the recipient of 10 Emmy awards during its run, begins shooting season 6 in December. The entire original cast is expected to return.

Jenny McCarthy Preaches New ‘Goating’ Fad, Says To Eat Candy While Still In The Wrapper

Posted on October 13, 2014 by Chip

LOS ANGELES, California –

Over the last 7 years, Jenny McCarthy has been able to convince millions of parents to stop vaccinating their children, almost single handedly creating the movement known to the media as anti-vaxxing. Now, McCarthy is working to convince parents that the only way for children to safely consume candy is while it’s still in the wrapper.

A public service announcement released by McCarthy early Monday morning detailed the supposed health benefits of ‘Goating’, or eating still-wrapped candy, and the increased risk of autism in children who eat chocolate and other candies that have been removed from its original wrapper.

McCarthy tells her 700,000 plus Facebook followers that years of research has gone into the theory, and that ‘Goating’ will provide your body with an extra layer of protection from the harmful GMO’s and chemicals found in candy. She said the idea came to her when the family dog got into a bag of fun-sized Milky Way candy bars.

“I knew I was on to something, because chocolate kills dogs normally, but Muffy was fine, just some diarrhea. If eating fully wrapped candy bars can prevent my dog from overdosing on chocolate, it can certainly prevent any child from contracting autism.”

Several respected authorities in the medical community have spoken out against Goating, and are warning the public that the practice of eating fully-wrapped candy carries a far greater health risk than just eating the candy bars normally. Experts are saying that in addition to the obvious choking concerns, the human digestive system is not designed to break down plastic wrappers.

McCarthy has said that she is releasing a book about her studies on ‘Goating’, to be released on October 21^st. The book will be titled Goating: Now that’s a Wrap, and will be released just in time for Halloween, when candy eating is at a yearly high for children and adults alike.

Michael Jackson Seen Alive, Hiding In Canada Under Assumed Name

Posted on October 13, 2014 by DvanL

ONTARIO, Canada –

Soon after the June 2009 death of the ‘King of Pop’ Michael Jackson, a number of worldwide conspiracy theories and death hoax scenarios emerged, generated by fans who either refuse to deal in reality, or by individuals who genuinely believe that a cover-up concerning Jackson’s death took place.

Although most stories are taken about as seriously as reports of an Elvis Presley sighting at a Burger King, suspicious events in Ontario, Canada are leading many to believe that Jackson, in order to escape mounting legal problems, staged his death, assumed a second identity, and is now living in Canada under the name Alain Pontifex.

One week after reports of Jackson’s death, a mysterious newcomer moved into a small bungalow near Ontario’s Lake Doré. According to a neighbor, a fleet of moving vans and a limousine pulled up in front of the property where a ‘pale middle-aged male’ was escorted into to the house, surrounded by what appeared to be 3 bodyguards.

Census records list Alain Pontifex as the owner of the home. He has never been seen in public. A small live-in staff attends to his needs. When locals ask questions about Pontifex, the answer given by household employees is always the same: “Mr. Pontifex is a very private person.”

Jackson ‘truthers’ believe that stories of the entertainer’s ill health and frailty while rehearsing for his 2009 “This Is It” London comeback concert were all part of a disinformation campaign designed to lend credibility to Jackson’s faked death. “Truth For MJ,” a Jackson death hoax organization with a growing membership, cites many hints leading to the logical conclusion that Alain Pontifex and Michael Jackson are one and the same person. Group moderator MJTruthCaptainBob@yahoo.com writes:

Many packages delivered to the cottage are from theatrical makeup and costume companies
Visitors to the cottage are always privately escorted from Ottawa International Airport to the Pontifex home by staff members and shielded with umbrellas
The town has received a request for a permit to house exotic animals on the premises.

A former contractor hired to do “outside work” around the cottage said “I never met Mr. Pontifex, but I did hear his voice once or twice. It did sound like Michael Jackson’s voice,” said the anonymous worker. “I can’t swear that it was Jackson, but I got the feeling it was some famous person who wanted to hide out, and I think I heard something about them building a recording studio inside the house.”

Town officials offer no comment except to say that they respect the wishes of all members of the community. A few Jackson truthers have attempted to visit the cottage, but have been stopped by private security.

So now, conspiracy theorists have one more plot to debunk, add to, or pick apart. In a recent posting, MJtruthcaptainBob said, “The truth is out there and we, the world’s greatest fans of Michael Jackson will work hard to expose it. We owe it to the greatest entertainer in the world. He never gave up on us, and we will never give up on him,” he added.

Wall, Ceiling Tiles Can Be ‘Scanned’ To Hear Past Conversations

Posted on October 12, 2014 by DvanL

CAMBRIDGE, Massachusetts –

Thanks to revolutionary 4D technology developed by Prof. Marlene Cavanaugh at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, there are no longer any secrets.

Cavanaugh, Professor of Optical Sciences at MIT, uses a combination of electron microscopes and good old-fashioned catalog research to examine infinitesimal changes in fiber patterns within acoustic wall and ceiling tiles. Her teams microscopically examine and compare new tiles against used tiles. Depending upon the age, the depth of information revealed can reach back years, and in some cases, decades.

“’Energy cannot be created or destroyed, it can only be changed from one form to another,’” said Cavanaugh, quoting Albert Einstein. “That’s where we started. I got the idea when my lab was being remodeled. There was a period of time when the tiles were being replaced, and when the old ones were taken out, I could of course hear conversations that were taking place in the next lab before the new ones were put in. I wondered if the tiles could have absorbed some sort of energy, and if that energy could be tracked.”

Cavanaugh selected a team of students to research building records to find the lot numbers and factories that produced the building’s acoustic tiles. When a match was found, unused tiles were shipped to her lab at MIT and electronically scanned. Used tiles were also scanned and microscopic differences were revealed and converted into sound wave patters developed at one of MIT’s audio labs.

“The process is crude at this point, but we’re making progress,” she said. “Right now we have snippets of conversations, but it’s difficult to preserve the actual physical tiles once they’ve been scanned.”

Were there any secrets revealed by Prof. Cavanaugh and her team of audio-visual experts? She’s not telling. “What I will say is this,” said the Professor. “In this day and age where we’re all mindful of electronic footprints we leave behind, don’t forget that speech was the first advanced form of human communication. What hasn’t changed is that it’s important to remain aware of everything we say. Unless you see your neighbor buying an electron microscope and removing tiles from your walls or ceiling, you really don’t have much to worry about.”

Austrian Scientists ‘Months Away’ From Cloning First Dinosaur

Posted on October 12, 2014 by DvanL

GRAZ, Austria –

Fresh on the heels of her discovery of a new species of flying spider, Professor Althea Thoone stunned the scientific community once again with her announcement that scientists in Austria, working in conjunction with geneticists in the United States, are “months away” from successfully cloning a dinosaur.

The discovery of pre-historic dinosaur dung in a hilly region of Austria was the first step in the long road toward the eventual cloning experiments, as Dr. Thoone explained during an international teleconference. “Once we found the dinosaur poo,” said Professor Thoone, “the question then became, ‘could we find some biological matter within that was not fossilized?’ One of my Austrian colleagues joked ‘Now we’ve put our foot in it!’ He had the lecture hall in stitches.”

Scientists in Austria were able to extract genetic information from the dung by a process very close to what oil and gas engineers in the U.S. call “fracking,” or hydraulic fracturing.

“This was a much like a ‘fracking’ operation, but on a much smaller scale,” explained Dr. Thoone. “It was a fascinating process,” she added.

A series of chemicals was injected into the fossilized dinosaur dung until a solution could be extracted and examined through a spectrometer. Once the spectrometer read the information, technicians were able to identify which dinosaur had produced the dung, and whether or not material necessary for the duplication could be obtained.

“As luck would have it,” explained Prof. Thoone, “we were able to extract enough material from the dinosaur feces to give us enough genetic material to produce a viable dinosaur clone!”

The dinosaur that left his or her droppings for scientists to enjoy roughly 193 million years ago was a Dilophosaurus from the Early Jurassic Period, a dinosaur most people will recognize as the “frilled neck” creature they saw in the Stephen Spielberg film Jurassic Park.

The scientific community is awaiting the results of the Austrian cloning experiments with the kind of anticipation not felt in decades.

“We’re all very excited,” said Prof. Thoone. “First flying spiders, and now, the reappearance of a dinosaur that roamed the earth nearly 200 million years ago! We foresee having some fascinating results to announce to the world very, very soon!”

Breed of Flying Spider Discovered in Central America

Posted on October 11, 2014 by DvanL

TOCOA, Honduras, Central America –

What’s worse – a fear of spiders, or a fear of flying? How about about a fear of flying spiders?

If you suffer from a fear of either, perhaps you may want to read this story with caution. A research team analyzing a dying breed of insect accidentally discovered what they call The tinea volanti, or for us laymen, the flying spider.

“It was the scariest thing I’ve ever seen, but also the most fascinating,” said Prof. Althea Thoone, head researcher for The Smithsonian Institution’s Extinction Project. “We were in Honduras investigating the disappearance of Monarch butterflies,” explained Thoone, “when all of a sudden one of my researchers called me over to examine a spider variety she was unfamiliar with. I climbed over to where she was. We were on the side of a mountain. It was truly fascinating and amazing,” she explained.

The professor examined the spider and could not determine which variety of arachnid it was. As she went in for a closer look, what happened next sent shock waves buzzing through the insect community.

“It flew straight up and right into my face,” said Prof. Thoone. “It was startling and so fascinating! I was so shocked, I couldn’t speak. It took off like a hummingbird, with several of its legs vibrating at such a terrific speed, that it was nearly inaudible. Luckily, one of my colleagues was able to safely trap it in a net.”

The team also recovered a nearby nest of immature flying spiders that were preserved for future study. The ‘mother’ and ‘baby’ spiders are currently housed in a climate controlled insect lab in Washington. The full-grown arachnid measures in at almost 5 inches in length, not including the fore-stretched legs. It’s wingspan is an impressive 7 inches when fully opened for flight.

Several of Thoone’s colleagues, who have studied insects and bugs for most of their adult lives, were very happy with the discovery, even if several were a little disturbed by the idea of flying spiders.

“Of all the fears in the world, spiders are right up there for many people, even me, and I study creepy-crawlers for a living!” said Jennifer Charles, a colleague of Thoone’s. “I wasn’t in Honduras when they found the new species, but to be quite honest, when they brought them into the lab in Washington, I literally considered burning the entire building to the ground. They’re truly frightening, I tell you.”

The new tinea volante will be entered into a catalog designated for prospective new species. After a peer review, the spider – if it is of a unique and previously undiscovered variety – will be catalogued as a new entry into the exciting world of insects. Until then, Prof. Thoone is enjoying life in the limelight.

“All this attention – it’s fascinating! I’ve been researching insects and other threatened life forms for over 30 years, and you don’t expect this type of thing to happen. It’s like the holy grail of insect research. I made the cover of Bug & Beetle Quarterly, which is pretty big doin’s in our corner of the insect world! It was a 4-page spread. I’m overwhelmed!”

There’s talk about naming the new spider after Prof. Thoone. “They want to name it The Altheus Thoonicus,” said the professor, with tears in her eyes. “That would be so great, and so…fascinating,” she said.

Genetically Modified ‘Self-Knitting’ Sheep Threaten Wool Industry

Posted on October 10, 2014 by DvanL

EDINBURGH, Scotland –

In 1996, the world’s first successfully cloned mammal, Dolly, a Finn Dorset sheep, was born. Dolly died in 2003 at the age of 6. Since then, advancements in genetic engineering, controversial as they may be, have continued with astonishing results.

Scottish scientists again made history with the recent announcement that Dabney, a ‘self-knitting’ sheep, was produced through advanced genetic engineering. Dabney has been genetically altered to produce wool in patterned alignment. When sheared, Dabney’s wool pleats itself into shapes that can be easily packaged and shipped straight from the farm to raw wool dispensaries or individual clients. The wool can be knitted into patterns more quickly than non-genetically altered wool, with unskilled workers able to produce the same volume that more experienced wool gatherers have produced in the past.

As a result, raw wool prices have begun to drop significantly, threatening the Scottish Woolen Trade.

The raw wool movement has come to dominate the industry. “It was the hipsters that created the demand,” said Trudy Fales, President of the International Wool Council. “They’ve revolutionized the industry. All those old sweaters, caps, and bags were more than just a fashion statement – they were a game-changer for the industry.”

“Since there is only one Dabney,” said Fales, “prices are probably going to stay high, until another litter of genetically altered sheep is produced.”

An anonymous source within the Scottish biotechnology firm that created Dabney said, “There’s only one. We’ve tried to produce more, but we’ve given them all we’ve got.”

Time will tell if the global woollen industry will be able to maintain the dominance it has held since the 17^th century.

President Obama To Offer Asylum, Health Care Options To ISIS Members

Posted on October 10, 2014 by admin

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

A White House official confirmed this morning that President Barack Obama will be delivering a speech on Friday evening explaining his plan to offer asylum and free health care to ISIS members, with hopes of dismantling the organization by getting members to leave their fellow fighters and home country to seek refuge in the United States.

President Obama, who sources say already expects some backlash on his decision to ‘kill ISIS with kindness,’ says that he feels that he knows what is best for the US, and will be pushing the bill through in the next couple of weeks while Congress takes its recurring 7 week recess.

“I have done many great things as President of this country,” said Obama via written brief statement to the press, “But ISIS members, terrorists in general, they need to know they are not stuck in their evil ways. We as a country have plenty of room to accept all people, and I am opening our borders and our metaphoric arms to them by offering asylum, jobs, and healthcare. Killing them with kindness, breaking down the walls, is what we need to do to beat these villains. I want everyone to love this country as much as I do.”

“I do not agree with the President’s plan. It is moronic. He is inviting some of the cruelest, hate filled people into our country, and then offering them free health care,” said Texas Governor Rick Perry. “If there was ever a way to make your numbers go down in the popularity polls, this would be it.”

President Obama says will go more into detail on Friday about what exactly he plans to offer the former ISIS members that decide to leave their home country and come to the U.S. According to reports, the President expects to start receiving the first refugees by the end of the month.

Human Sex Trafficking Start-up Business Discovered On Kickstarter

Posted on October 10, 2014 by Angela Baker

LOS ANGELES, California –

FBI agent Darrell Lynch has made several major arrests in his 14 years with the agency, but his latest is the only one so far to have been based around his teenage son’s choice in TV programs. Last week, Lynch was working from home on his laptop, while his teenage son was watching a new episode of South Park, which was parodying the idea of online start-up companies.

“I got to thinking about what bulls— startup companies there really are out there on those crowdfunding websites. I know that my dumb bitch ex-wife had dumped some of my hard-earned money into at least one in the past, so I knew there had to be more out there, and it was possible they were involved in criminal activity,” said Lynch.

It didn’t take very long researching new online companies until he came across something suspicious on one of the major crowdfunding websites, Kickstarter, where he spotted a supposed charitable mission to Rwanda and Tanzania that didn’t set right with him.

“The online campaign was asking for money to help get girls out of third world countries, but just didn’t seem to be as legit as it should be,” said Lynch. “See, we’re trained to recognize this sort of thing. Certain keywords and phrases stood out, like ‘trade-work,’ ‘special services,’ and ‘selling girls into prostitution to Americans with big wallets.’ After some inquiries, we were easily able to connect it to a human enslavement ring.”

Human trafficking is big business across the world. Owners of massage parlors, serving as fronts for brothels, buy girls from smugglers in impoverished countries all over the world. The victims are trapped here, knowing little English, with the exception of phrases like “happy ending” and “golden shower.”

The FBI has yet to release all the names of those arrested, citing the Patriot Act and the privacy of the enslaved girls, yet they have confirmed the online fundraising campaign was going to use the money to import some fresh faces out of Tanzania. The girls, who had been being lured here with promises of a better life and starring roles in A-List Hollywood films, are sold against their will, and end up being pimped by unscrupulous men and women who own the ‘massage parlors.’

Lynch says, “These funding websites are lucky we catch these kinds of things. If they made that 5% off the top of the revenue generated, enabling the funding of a human trafficking, they’d in big trouble. I’d personally pull the plug on their whole operation.”

FBI shift leader, Karen Crowe says, “We’ve organized a task force to investigate other crowdfunded start-up companies further. Who knows how many groups there are using people’s naïve donations to fund deplorable, criminal activities? Hell, it could be almost as many as the campaigns that are online raising money to turn second-rate TV shows into feature films!”

Johnny Depp Announces Plan To Run For President In 2016

Posted on October 9, 2014 by Raoul Stockton

NEW YORK CITY, New York –

While taking a break from the filming of the Kevin Smith comedy Yoga Hosers, acting icon Johnny Depp told entertainment reporter Sarah Mayer of Inside Entertainment Daily, that he is interested in politics and he plans on throwing his hat into the ring for the 2016 presidential election, which he says will be a great way to be ‘taken seriously.’

“America is screwed up, marijuana is illegal in most states, and the amount of time and money our judicial system spends on non-violent crimes is absolutely astounding. I’m sure people will laugh when they hear I am running for office, but for the most part, I hope to be taken seriously as an aspiring politician,” Depp told Mayer on Tuesday. “I have my film career and musical endeavors, and being president of the United States would be an adventurous side gig.”

Depp has made several controversial comments about the United States in the past, most infamously of which from an interview for the German magazine Stern, where he said “America is dumb, is something like a dumb puppy that has big teeth that can bite and hurt you, aggressive.” Depp said his comment was taken out of context, and that it was his response to how Americans have so much access to powerful things that they often get in over their heads.

Depp says that legalizing marijuana across the board is at the top of his agenda, but there is a lot more that needs to change. “I don’t think school children should be ordered to attend school five days a week, they have fragile little minds. They should go to school on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays, giving their brains time to take in what they have learned the day before. I believe no employer should be allowed to not hire you based on your appearance or make you keep tattoos or piercings covered up. There is not enough individuality in the U.S., this needs to be addressed.” Depp added.

When asked about his chances as being considered a legitimate presidential contender, Depp said that he hoped he would have a better chance than most.

“Have you seen the clowns we have had in office the past fourteen years? Over the past 40 years, even. They are nothing more than puppets. There is zero honesty in U.S. politics today, I intend to put it all out there. If the American people can’t appreciate that, then the social decline will continue,” Depp answered. “I would have never considered putting myself through such a thing, but when you look at the list of contenders for 2016 it is a frightful observation. I am pretty sure that the American people don’t even like any of them.”

It is not the most far-fetched idea for a legendary actor to seek the presidency. Ronald Reagan made the jump after two succesful terms as the 33rd governor of California. In a nutshell, Depp admitted that he probably didn’t stand a chance, but it would indeed be the launching pad into politics, and would perhaps run for governor in his home state of Kentucky. “Within the next year, I will really put my ideas and beliefs out there, I will probably not be considered. But after that who knows, maybe I will run for governor of Kentucky,” Depp said.