Liam Neeson Says Next Movie Is Just ‘Two Hours of Being a Badass’ While Talking on Phone

Posted on September 23, 2014 by Bob The Empire News Potato

LOS ANGELES, California –

At one point in time, Irish actor Liam Neeson was best known for starring roles in dramas such as Schindler’s List or romantic comedies such as Love Actually, but after his turn as an ex-CIA assassin in the film 2008 Taken and its sequel Taken 2 in 2012, Neeson became known more for his badass phone call skills, especially when it comes to threatening kidnappers. In the film A Walk Among The Tombstones, which was released in the US this past weekend, Neeson again plays an ex-badge, this time a former NYPD detective, who once again makes his presence known to a set of kidnappers via several intense phone conversations.

Because Neeson says he is not afraid of being typecast as “that phone guy,” he has reportedly accepted a role in a new film that begins shooting next month in Southern California, simply titled Lots of Phone Calls. Neeson will play a character who does nothing but speak in threatening, yet soothing, tones to an antagonist over the phone.

“I really got to stretch my legs as an actor, getting into some gritty action back when I did Taken,” says Neeson. “Taken 2 was also a ton of fun, and people really love to see me get wild and kick some ass. More often, though, when I meet fans on the street, they always just want me to call their friends on their cell phones and say ‘I will find you, and I will kill you.’ It’s really a kick in the pants, you know?”

Neeson says this next film will just be made up of shots of him in a dimly lit room, wearing a tight, long-sleeved shirt and an old jacket, cussing-out and threatening a group of bad guys.

“They don’t know for sure if the film’s villains will be foreign, or maybe they’ll be American. We don’t even know for sure if I’ll be playing an American or not. All we know, is that the film is going to be intense, and filled with a lot of action – if you consider harsh, tense voices to be action. It’s going to be two hours of being a badass over the phone.”

The movie is currently in pre-production, and is reportedly being directed by Antoine Fuqua.

Republican Party Plans to Change Symbol From Elephant To Yacht

Posted on September 22, 2014 by carriesnotscary

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

In an attempt to appeal to all demographics, the Republican Party has announced plans to change its symbol from the iconic, steadfast image of the elephant, to a yacht. This campaign to make the historical change in a political party so known for tradition was spearheaded by the young adults of the party, specifically the Young Republic National Federation, also known as the YRNF.

“It’s about time,” said YRNF president Braxton Davis. “Every hard-working, Christian, tax-hating, big business-loving, pro-life, Polo-wearing Republican has a yacht for cracking open American made brewskis.”

The party is frantically preparing for the 2016 presidential election, when the yacht symbol will be in full effect. To at least pretend like they try to save money, they’ll use the rest of the stickers, posters, and pins that have elephants on them until they completely run out.

“This way, the party is more itself. I mean, I’ve met Democrats who love elephants…this girl I dated had an elephant necklace and she voted for Obama. But I can’t even count how many Democrats like yachts on a finger, but that’s mostly because I can’t lift my fingers due to the giant class rings and champion rings from my years of playing good old American football,” Davis added. “And if the Democrats want to get on our level, we think a marijuana cigarette would be a great symbol.”

This transition has been reviews as being very popular among older, ‘respected’ Republican politicians. Mitt Romney said, “While not all Republicans drink American brewskis on their yachts, this symbol really speaks to all generations of Republicans, and will make a huge difference in our long, hard effort to take over the universe.”

Tinder Cancels Accounts For People It Considers ‘Too Attractive’

Posted on September 22, 2014 by carriesnotscary

LOS ANGELES, California –

Tinder, the popular ‘hot or not’ dating app, has made the controversial decision to block users it considers too attractive due to a substantial overflow of users. According to founder Gary Tinder, it was a tough decision, but the right one that will save the business in the long run.

“We just couldn’t keep up with the overwhelming number of users. There’s millions of lonely people joining every second . . . especially between the hours of 12am and 4am. While I want to include everyone who is horny, sad, or just trying to do it with a stranger who is less than two minutes away, there have to be limits,” said Tinder. “Our technology cannot handle every person in heat, and it would be really rude to deny the people who are probably not good looking enough to be charming in person.”

Some extremely attractive people figured out something was wrong with the popular app before they officially revealed their secret. Alexis Wartz of Silver Lake noticed the trend early, when she was refused a download on her iPhone. “My friends were just like, ‘OMG you should do Tinder, I met this guy who asks me if I’m up at 3am every single weekend!’ So I tried, and it said the download didn’t work. I was at a Starbucks and the WiFi was so working and I kept trying and it never worked, but it worked for all my friends. It feels kinda good now that I know I’m too sexy to be on it. It’s a compliment and I’ll never stop bragging about it to my friends, who now have proof that I’m the prettiest one in the group.”

Liam Rash of New York City recalled his rejection from across the country. “I had the app for a while, but then one day it just disappeared. I tried to re-download it, and it wouldn’t work. I’m sitting there depressed, thinking ‘I’m one minute away from the hottest, most desperate chicks in all of Murray Hill, and I don’t even have to get out of bed…and I can have my hand down my pants if I want to.’ It sucks that I’m too hot for this thing, because I’m so socially awkward that I can only approach women through an iPhone without having a mental breakdown about how much I miss my mom, who lives upstate.”

“If the user demand continues to grow, we’ll probably just make a Tinder for ‘ugly’ to ‘average’ people, and a separate one for ‘above average’ to ‘hot’ people. But for now it’s our number one priority to make the app available to everyone we can as quickly as possible. We are just asking that everyone, from ugly duckling to beauty queen, just give us some time to get the kinks worked out.”

Pentagon Replacing Military Boots with Athletic Shoes

Posted on September 18, 2014 by IHacklesworth

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

General Martin Dempsey, the nation’s top military officer, stunned reporters today with the announcement that beginning immediately, the use of military boots, often inaccurately called ‘combat boots’, will be phased out. Beginning next week, new recruits at all armed forces boot camps across the country will be issued athletic shoes and other footwear of varying types.

“Two hundred years of military tradition has been cast aside to clarify the new twenty first century missions of each branch of the Armed Forces,” Dempsey told the standing room only conference room. “The presence of military units in this country has been described for decades with the wholly inaccurate phrase ‘boots on the ground.’ But that ends now.”

Dempsey explained that it is time for the military to acknowledge the different roles played by its members. “For instance, there is no necessity for soldiers in clerical roles to wear heavy military boots while working on a computer in an office. Therefore, even though those troops might be in-country, to say they are part of the ‘boots on the ground’ in any campaign would be erroneous.”

White House officials rejected that this move was in response to the President’s promise not to put ‘boots on the ground’ in Iraq and Syria. Reached aboard Air Force One en route to Atlanta this afternoon, Press Secretary Josh Earnest reiterated General Dempsey’s earlier statements regarding the changes in military footwear.

“These are modern times, and modern times call for modern footwear. The standard GI military boot was designed for combat in the second World War and Korea. I think you will agree that the world is very different now than it was in the 1940’s and 1950’s.”

Asked if it would now be accurate to use the phrase ‘footwear on the ground’ in any future military actions, Earnest promised he will have an answer later today for the Press Corps, but they were about to land and he needed to be sure his seat back was in the full upright position.

A press briefing packet issued by the Pentagon shows that active duty Air Force personnel will be issued Nike Air Jordans and wingtips, depending upon rank, active duty Navy personnel will be issued Dockers, Army will be issued New Balance hiking Shoes, and the Marine Corps and other elite units can choose shoes at their discretion, so long as they cannot be mistaken for a boot of any kind.

In a similar development, Secretary of State John Kerry said from Paris, where he is meeting with foreign leaders, that the official footwear of the State Department going forward will be flip-flops. No explanation was given for this decision.

NFL Announces New Schedule; Games To Be Added Tuesday, Wednesday, Friday, and Saturday Nights

Posted on September 16, 2014 by JP

MANHATTAN, New York –

With football season back in full effect, the question ever American is asking is ‘Are You Ready For Some Football!?’ Tickets sales for the NFL have hit record highs this year, as well as record subscriptions being recorded for TVs The NFL Network.

The NFL has been around for decades, but over the past few years fans have been given more and more options to watch highlights, full games, and find stats. CEO of the NFL, Roger Goodell, claims that fans are eating it up, and that ratings have sky rocketed.

“Back when the NFL started, people just watched one game on television if they were lucky. Now, we have the technology to broadcast every game and even have multiple games played on one day,” said Goodell. “Even our NFL shows that just review match-ups, predictions, and highlights of the games have been bringing in huge numbers, so we have decided to give fans exactly what they want.”

With new contracts starting in the 2015 NFL football season, Goodell and his board of directors for NFL programming have increased the number of days that games will be played. Currently, games are played and broadcast on Sunday, Monday, and Thursday evenings. Starting in 2015, the NFL plans to also add Tuesday, Wednesday, Friday, and Saturday games.

“At first we couldn’t believe the feedback we got for Monday night football, so we did Thursday night football. When we saw those numbers we thought ‘Wow! people really like watching football,'” said Goodell. “It’s with that in mind that we’ve decided to add more days, and more games. We want to give these rabid NFL fans exactly what they want.”

With this recent announcement, contracts and team schedules are still in the air. It is unclear how many games will be played next season for each team, but at least two NFL teams will now being playing daily.

Other network TV stations say they are worried that they may lose a large amount of evening viewers if the NFL has games every night.

“We already have some pretty weak programming on during the evening, especially during the weekends,” said CBS program director Bill Waters. “If the NFL is going to broadcast a game every night, we’re honestly considering just going dark during the games. What’s the point of airing something that no one will watch?”

At this point in time, Goodell says they have no intention of expanding the season for the NFL, but he says if the 7-day games option does as well as they expect, the 2016 season could see an extension to include the rest of the year.

World’s First Pregnant Man: ‘I Can’t Wait To Get This Damn Thing Out of Me’

Posted on September 15, 2014 by L.J. Mainville Jr.

SAN DIEGO, California –

Back in 2009, Thomas Trace Beatie, a public speaker, author, and advocate for transgender and sexuality issues with a focus on trans fertility and reproductive rights, became the first man to become pregnant. Beatie, who was born a woman, had gender reassignment surgery in 2002, and later became known as ‘The Pregnant Man.’ It was Beatie’s pregnancy that gave doctors and researchers at Scripps Memorial Hospital in San Diego the idea of impregnating a natural born male.

Over the entire span of medical science, doctors believed human males did not have the anatomy needed for natural embryonic and fetal development. However, Dr. Paul Chambers, a pioneer of in-vitro fertilization, believed the theoretical idea of a male ectopic pregnancy (pregnancy outside the uterine cavity) by implantation could be completed with close monitoring, along with some modern medical intervention.

“I don’t see why it can’t be done,” said Chambers. “Why should women have all the fun, right fellas? We’ve worked very hard on the science and health risks involved. We studied the Arnold Schwarzenegger movie Junior, watching it over and over, and we don’t see why this can’t work, albeit with some strict monitoring. There won’t be any Lamze classes for our pregnant man, though.”

Dr. Chambers stresses that the concept of ectopic implantation, while theoretically plausible, had never been attempted and would be difficult to even justify to the scientific community. The need for justification, though, went out the window when they received a willing volunteer.

The 31-year-old man, who we will refer to as ‘Tom,’ volunteered for the experimental pregnancy when it was learned that his wife of six years could not get pregnant due to severe endometriosis. The risks were explained, and Tom consented.

“Even for women lacking a uterus – owing to the extreme health risks to both the parent and child, you can understand our concern for implanting a man,” said Dr. Miles Balderdash, a researcher for Scripps. “Regardless of our concerns, [Tom] was determined to give his wife a child. So we went ahead with it. I gotta say, the guy is a trooper.”

Doctors harvested several eggs from Tom’s wife, and fertilized the eggs with Tom’s sperm.

“Collecting the sperm was by-far the best part of this whole process,” said Tom. “They gave me a choice between video or magazines. I went with video. My wife doesn’t let me watch that sort of thing at home, but for science, for our baby, she said I could this once.”

Once a viable fetus was established from this fertilization procedure, Dr. Chambers implanted the fetus in Tom’s abdomen.

“Since a man does not have a uterus with the placenta, we attached the fetus to an the only internal organ the male has that could possibly sustain a fetus – the bowels,” Dr. Chambers said. He went on to explain that the colon area is made up of very vascular tissue, which can supply oxygen rich blood to the fetus. The colon is not as vascular as a uterus, but it is the most feasible choice to implant in a male.

Doctor’s at Scripp’s Memorial and researchers from San Diego State University Medical Center have been following Tom’s progress, and with proper medical treatment, he has been able to carry his baby for the past six months; However, doctors are becoming concerned.

“The weight of the baby is pushing his organs up into his chest cavity, and it is affecting his breathing. His blood oxygen levels are falling and putting the baby, and his health, at risk.”

“They’ve put me on bed rest for now,” Tom said as he wife tended to him. “As long as I keep my feet up and do as the doctors tell me, I’ll be able to give my wife the child she deserves.”

Doctors are obviously planning to deliver by Caesarean section. “We trust the doctors,” Tom’s wife said as she held her husband’s hand. “They’ve been so helpful this entire time. I just want a baby. [Tom] has been so strong this entire time. Women having been popping out babies for ages. It’s so exciting to know that we’ll be the first couple to have a baby that was grown in the father.”

Dr. Chambers noted that the abdomen is not designed to separate from the placenta during delivery, hence the danger of an ectopic pregnancy. “We never questioned whether this was going to work,” said Dr. Balderdash. “We more questioned whether [Tom] was going to live through it. He knew the risks, though, and we’re doing all we can to make sure he and the baby are safe.”

Currently Tom is still bed bound with his feet up and his wife tending to him as he breaths purified oxygen through a face mask. He says he feels great, and just can’t wait to get the ‘damn thing’ out of him.

New Public Poll Shows People Hate Public Polls

Posted on September 15, 2014 by DvanL

PITTSBURGH, PA –

The National Public Research Center published the results of a recent poll pertaining to people’s perception of public polls. The upshot: 84 percent of the public hates public polls.

Chief Pollmistress Ann P. Davis provided details.

“When we poll the population on the popularity of public polls, we purposely employ precisely one pair of pollsters,” she explained. “100 people are phone polled,” explained Davis. “We ask if they’d like to participate. If the answer is ‘YES,’ the response is placed in the ‘YES’ pile. If the answer is ‘NO,’ it’s placed in the ‘NO’ pile. If you get sworn at, hung up on, or threatened, that’s an automatic ‘NO’ so the results usually are procured in no time flat!”

The findings were published in the polltaker periodical Popular Pollster, the primary publication for polling professionals.

Before you say to yourself ‘I’d rather poke out my eye than do phone polling,’ – listen to how Davis makes the task fun and challenging for her staff.

“We have a little competition every month. If you get 50 out of 50 “NOs,” then you win round 1. As a bonus, if your score comes from only hangups with no verbal interaction or threats, then we induct you into our Pollster Palace of Pride and we treat you lunch!”

The perky pollster does, however, miss what she calls the ‘good poll days.’ “That’s a play on words,” she explained. “By the way, 49 percent of people hate when other people use a play on words around them.”

“Years ago,” she proceeded, “pollsters physically participated with the public – pen, pencil, pad; but with people’s faster pace, pedestrians no longer pause long enough to provide answers.”

According to Davis, person-to-person polling did have a downside, though.

“We used to get punched a lot,” she said. “Literally, people would take a poke at a polltaker, no matter how polite we purported to be,” said Davis, pointing to a pill-shaped scar above her left eyebrow. “I got this from an elderly gentleman who thought I said ‘poll tax.’ I ate pavement that day, but, it’s all a part of the pollster game. 24 percent of people polled have been victims of public assaults.”

“But I wouldn’t trade it for the world,” she added, glancing around the office. “Every day’s a party!”

“I DID IT!,” shouted senior poll taker Steve McNamara! I got a 50! BOOYAH! FREE LUNCH! WOO HOO!” he exclaimed.

“Looks like Steve wins again!” said Davis. “He’s won 57 per cent of our contests!”

An exclusive interview with Ann P. Davis will appear in the October issue of Popular Pollster.

Local Fisherman Catches Dead Body In River, Arrested For Throwing It Back

Posted on September 14, 2014 by JP

ST. PETERSBURG, Florida –

A local St. Petersburg man is behind bars today after a bizarre event occurred while fishing. Tim Pope, age 64, was arrested late Sunday evening by police officers for tampering with a crime scene. Pope was fishing in a Florida river early Sunday morning, which his wife says he has been doing every Sunday for the past 20 years.

“Ever since we moved to Florida 20 years ago, he would go to that river and fish every Sunday,” said Mrs. Pope. “If some people go to Church or watch football as their religion of choice, then Tim’s religions is fishing.”

While out early this morning, Pope inadvertently hooked a human corpse – something that any die-hard fisherman can tell you is not as nice as hooking a huge bass. Like any good fisherman, though, when realizing that what he had pulled to shore was of a sub-par nature, he threw the body back in the water.

“I haven’t gotten to speak to him to much, but he told me he didn’t know what to do with the body. At first, pulling it in, he thought he had caught the biggest fish of his life. When he discovered it wasn’t a fish at all, he just unhooked it and tossed it back. [Tim] doesn’t own a cell phone, so a few hours later when he finally was finished and arrived home, he told me the story and I had him call the police. Stupid me, because their first stop after the call was to our house to arrest him for tampering with the body!” said Mrs. Pope.

Tim Pope is still currently in lockup in St. Petersburg, after refusing to take any money out of his retirement savings to post bail. If he’s convicted of a crime, he could be facing several years behind bars. The arresting officers have refused to make a statement, but the station has reportedly been receiving a lot of angry calls from local town residents.

“I don’t care what anyone says about it,” said Pope during his initial police interview. “It’s not a big deal. I didn’t kill the guy, I just pulled him in. What was I supposed to do? It’s not like he was going to fit in my cooler. Would you have arrested me if I’d caught a tire in my line and threw that back? Littering is a crime too, you know!”

“Tim is friends with a lot of people in our neighborhood, and I know that along with myself, people have been calling the police station night and day expressing how they feel. My husband doesn’t deserve to be jailed for this; it was a fisherman’s instinct to throw the body back in the river,” said Mrs. Pope.

Police have continued to search for the body over several miles of river, but so far have come up empty-handed. Reports indicate that police are actually using Pope’s confiscated fishing rod and lures in attempt to hook the body for a second time.

‘Gone With The Wind’ Remake To Star Reese Witherspoon as Scarlett, Matthew McConaughey as Rhett

Posted on September 14, 2014 by DvanL

HOLLYWOOD, California –

Harvey Weinstein, co-Chairman of The Weinstein Company, announced today that a remake of the classic southern motion picture epic, Gone With The Wind, will have its worldwide premiere on March 1, 2015.

Reese Witherspoon fills the formidable window curtain hoop skirt once worn by actress Vivien Leigh, and Matthew McConaughey recreates the role forever identified with Hollywood legend Clark Gable.

One of the most influential films of the 20^th century, 1939’s Gone With The Wind has always been considered untouchable in terms of ever being remade.

“It’s a God-awful idea,” said Robert Osborne, film historian and prime-time host of Turner Classic Movies. “Very rarely can you remake a classic in the league of Gone With The Wind and expect it to perform well at the box office. If it does, I’ll be just as surprised as everyone else. With all due respect to the actors, when I first heard about this, I laughed.”

Co-starring with Witherspoon and McConaughey are Swoosie Kurtz as “Melanie Hamilton,” Jude Law as “Ashley Wilkes,” Oprah Winfrey as “Mammy,” Dolly Parton as brothel owner “Belle Watling,” and Chris Rock as “Pork,” one of the many featured slaves on the Tara plantation. Tyler Perry, originally hired to portray “Mammy” in full drag, per his Madea character that stars in several films, withdrew from the project last year due to physical exhaustion.

In a bit of non-traditional casting, Jennifer Tilly portrays the simple-minded “Prissy,” and Queen Latifah adds to her impressive acting resumé with her role as “Aunt Pittypat.”

When asked for her reaction, 98-year-old Olivia de Havilland, the only surviving cast member from the 1939 film said, “You’ve got to be kidding!” Swoosie Kurtz to portray me? – I mean to portray ‘Melanie?’ I just don’t see it — nor shall I!” she huffed.

Bob Weinstein, the other half of The Weinstein Company, expressed optimism about the new project. “Hitchcock remade his own 1934 version of The Man Who Knew Too Much in 1956, and the second movie was vastly better than his original. That’s just one example of ‘doing it right.’” That’s what we do here, we do it right. I guarantee this film will surprise all the nay-sayers and it’s going to be great,” he added.

As always, audiences and critics will ultimately decide the success or failure of what is fast becoming the hot topic of conversation throughout the motion picture industry.

20th Century Fox Announces Plan To Exclusively Produce Sequels, Remakes Starting in 2015

Posted on September 14, 2014 by DvanL

HOLLYWOOD, California –

When The Writers Guild of America went on strike in 2007, television producers were left without writers. Producers came up with a work-around – churning out shows without writers. “Reality Television” was born.

20^th Century Fox is now adapting the same idea to movie production. The studio announced that starting in 2015, they will be focusing exclusively on projects requiring little to no creativity whatsoever.

“It’s just going to be remakes and maybe one sequel a year – if we have the time to quickly assemble one,” announced Tom Rothman, CEO of 20^th Century Fox. “We’ll be able to produce more pictures twice as fast. We had to figure a way to keep up with the incredible hunger for more and more movies. We’re living in an ‘on-demand’ world, so we’ve hired Quentin Tarantino as our new Director of Creative Redevelopment, and we’re just as excited as he is!”

Tarantino joined Rothman for the announcement at the studio’s Century City headquarters, and outlined his plan.

“The public wants new faces! That’s why I do ‘homages!’ That’s French for imitations!” Said Tarantino. “That’s what homages are! They’re scenes we’ve seen already, from films we’ve seen before! I honor those directors, sometimes shot-for-shot! But I cast new faces! I’m on board with this!!”

Not on board with the idea, though, is director Martin Scorsese, one of several directors idolized by Tarantino. “This may well be the end of 20^th Century Fox,” said Scorsese, producer/director of such blockbusters as Goodfellas, The Last Temptation of Christ, and ironically, the 1991 remake of the 1962 film, Cape Fear. “I started out independent,” said Scorsese. “That’s what Fox should be doing instead of this ‘quantity over quality’ business. It sounds like a disaster of titanic proportions. Actually,” added Scorsese, “Titanic was a pretty good remake, … but you get my point.”

Currently, Scorsese is in pre-production for a biopic of the late great ‘saloon’ singer Frank Sinatra. Dylan Farrow, MSNBC daytime news host and son of actress Mia Farrow, reportedly was approached to portray Sinatra, affectionately known as “Old Blue Eyes.” Dylan Farrow is rumored to be the biological son of Sinatra, a subject Scorsese was not willing to comment upon.

“We haven’t started casting yet. There are millions of things to set up before we think about who we cast as ‘Young Blue Eyes,’” he said.

Tarantino detailed his upcoming plan of action:

“I’m looking forward to casting new faces in old movies, or old faces in new movies! Hey – maybe the old faces can homage themselves in the remakes if they’re still around!” Or maybe not! I haven’t decided yet!”

“As soon as we wrap up our current projects,” said Rothman, our new production system will go into effect. I literally cannot wait.”

20th Century Fox says that their plans for 2015 include production on remakes of Glitter and Big Mama’s House, as well as a sequel to the Tom Green film Freddy Got Fingered.