Bogus Psychic ‘Knew All Along’ He Would Be Outed, Jailed

Posted on August 24, 2014 by DvanL

WAUSEON, Ohio –

Trent Mattias, self-proclaimed psychic, investment advisor, and spiritual healer, was sentenced to a 7 to 15 year prison term yesterday, after being found guilty of fraud, misrepresentation and multiple counts of tax evasion.

“I knew all along this was going to happen someday,” said Mattias. “It was only a matter of time before what I always knew was going to happen, really happened.”

Mattias’ admission came after an almost 20-year career marked by false identities, several failed business ventures, and a string of highly questionable investment schemes. “Things were going good for while,” said Mattias. “I had a great life and all the things that went with it. I don’t know, but I guess now I know what I should have known. It just couldn’t last as long as I thought I knew it could.”

During an interview from his Fulton County holding cell, Mattias revealed that several of his friends eventually became aware of his illegal activities. “I told them I already knew what they were gonna say and that they were right, but I was so far into it, I couldn’t get out. I knew that. Times like these, you find out the difference between your real friends, and the friends you thought you knew were your real friends.”

One of Mattias’ former clients, who requested anonymity, contacted authorities after the mock psychic swindled him out $16,000. “That was my nest-egg and my whole life savings. It was a terrible thing that happened to me. He’s a real smooth talker,” the victim continued, “and I figured he was on the level. All of a sudden he started coming up with excuses about where all my money was, and all the big cash he always said was just around the corner never showed up for me.”

During the sentencing hearing, Mattias appeared remorseful as he addressed several of his victims who were in attendance. “I just want to say to everybody who came to me for advice, I let you down. Take my advice and always trust your instincts. If something doesn’t feel right, don’t do it. If I knew then what I know now, things would be a lot different and we probably wouldn’t be here today. Looking back, I know that now and I apologize.”

As he was led from the courtroom, Mattias remarked, “Like that song goes, “Que sera, sera — whatever will be, will be.”

Mattias’ will be eligible for parole at a future date not yet set by officials.

John Lennon’s Killer Released From Prison After Shocking Reversal By Parole Board

Posted on August 23, 2014 by Raoul Stockton

ALDEN, New York –

On Wednesday, the New York Parole Board denied the parole of Mark David Chapman for the eighth time for the 1980 murder of music icon and former Beatles member John Lennon. Early this morning, in an unprecedented move, the board decided to reverse their decision, and in a shocking turn of events and subsequently granted Chapman parole effective immediately. The decision came after an impromptu meeting was called by unnamed government official who chastised the parole board for showing “poor judgement” and “holding a celebrity in a higher standard than that of the average American citizen,” New York corrections officials said.

New York Corrections spokesperson Glenn Abernathy told the Associated Press in a brief statement the reasons for the reversal.

“After further consideration, we decided to grant Mr. Chapman parole. It was made clear to us by outside forces that the murder of a celebrity should not mean a longer sentence than what is typically given. In 2013, a total of 116 inmates who were found guilty of murder were released from prison after serving less than a 10-year sentence. Mr. Chapman has served nearly 33 years, more than 3-times that amount. Also, he was cleared as mentally competent many years ago, meaning that there was no reason to deny his parole in the first place.” said Abernathy. “[Chapman] said after his initial arrest that he had plans to murder Johnny Carson, Elizabeth Taylor, Walter Cronkite, Marlon Brando, and Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis, and that John Lennon was just the easiest to find. Well, everyone else he planned to kill is dead now anyway, so it was decided that he was no longer a threat to anyone else.”

“The parole board are made up of old fogies,” said Jerome David, a self-professed ‘super-fan’ of Chapman. “They denied him parole at every opportunity because they were fans of Lennon, of the Beatles, growing up. So they look at him, and they see someone who helped destroy their youth. That isn’t fair to [Chapman]. He deserves to be freed just like every other murderer they set free. The Beatles are a forgotten memory, anyway. Who really cares about them or John Lennon anymore? It’s not the 60s. Personally, I’ll be waiting at the gates to wave as they drive [Chapman] out!”

According to Abernathy, there was a decision made by the federal court system, calling the meeting with the purpose of reviewing the decision handed down on Wednesday by the parole board. It was then declared that the parole board did not have legitimate reasoning in denying the parole. The main issue discussed in the 3-hour meeting cited the fact that celebrities should not be given special treatment when the United States judicial system is involved, whether they are criminally involved or the victim.

“The United States average sentence for convicted murderers is between 13 and 16 years,” Abernathy told the New York Associated Press. “Chapman was sentenced to twenty-years to life in 1981, with a stipulation that mental health treatment be provided. “Mr. Chapman initially did not want to be released, due to his comfort within the system. However, at approximately 6:30 am this morning, he was given $200 cash and his copy of the book Catcher In The Rye, which he had when he was caught at the scene of the murder, and was given instructions to move into a half-way housing unit, which at this time will not be named.”

In an interview earlier this week, Chapman told ABC News that if released he would try to stay, anyway. “I’m so bonded that I could probably assure you that, if released, I’d probably stay right where I’m at,” Chapman said. “You know, once you stand on a rock for 20 years and feel the waves on you and you don’t go anywhere because you’re on a rock, you don’t want to move.”

Corrections officials at Wende Corrections Facility in Alden, New York, where Chapman was incarcerated, said that Chapman broke down in tears after being told of the parole board reversal. “He asked if he could please stay, he said he would work for free within the prison. When told he could not, under any circumstances voluntarily stay, he broke down and said his life was over,” said corrections officer Alex Jameson.

Chapman is set to be transported to the half-way house on Monday morning.

Classic TV’s ‘Batman’ Costume Destroyed By Moths

Posted on August 23, 2014 by DvanL

FRESNO, California –

According to Neilsen Media Research, some of today’s highest rated programs are broadcast on the top 3 “throwback” networks: Antenna TV, Cozi TV, and MeTV, acronym for Memorable Entertainment Television.

Memorabilia from favorite shows, including props and costumes used or worn by familiar characters can bring thousands of fans to TV nostalgia conventions.

One of the most instantly recognizable outfits is the famous “bat suit,” worn by Adam West, TV’s ‘Batman.’ Based on the famous comic strip, the television series ran from 1966–1968. The “caped crusader” donned the purple top and tights, black cowl, cape and boots during the show’s 120-episode run.

Batman’s clever “bat” devices made him indestructible against Gotham City’s villains and villainesses, but sadly, his famous get-up was not so well protected. The well-known bat suit has fallen victim to perhaps the most evil villain of them all – Mother Nature.

Moth and vermin infestation has tragically destroyed Batman’s famous suit. The heartbreaking discovery was made public just weeks before the 30^th annual Convention of Television Yesteryears, to be held in Frensno, California.

“That was the biggest draw we had by far,” said convention coordinator Mark Delaney. “We were keeping it a big surprise until the last minute. We were going to do a big reveal with special guest stars Adam West and Burt Ward doing the unveiling. We were so excited, we rented the motel suites and everything, but now I just want to crawl in a hole and drop dead,” added Delaney.

A representative from the cold-storage facility protecting the Batman costume, among others, provided the following statement:

Unfortunately, due to a massive power failure affecting the surrounding business district, a compromise in quality was encountered which resulted in damage and loss to some of the inventory housed and protected within our facility. Insurance investigators are conducting an assessment so that clients will be fully compensated for damages and loss.

“They say they can fully compensate us,” said Delaney, “but what’s the value on something that millions of people love and remember? It’s like a part of my childhood and the childhoods of millions of fans all over the world has been burned to ashes and then flushed down the toilet, or in this case destroyed by moths, and then burned to ashes and then flushed down the toilet! How much value can be placed on that?” he asked.

Insurance investigator Yvonne Meredith commented on the progress of the investigation.

“Well, from what I’ve been able to see, it’s pretty bad. When the power went out, the magnetic locks on the climate-controlled vaults failed. All kinds of things were able to get inside there. The Batman costume was chewed through with holes. They must have been super-moths to do that sort of damage, or maybe some other kind of insect or rodent. I saw a hat once worn by Lorne Greene from Bonanza with mice making a nest out of it, and some feral cats had scratched up Robert Conrad’s pants from Wild, Wild West. That’s a real tragedy,” she added, shaking her head.

As for the convention, “The show must go on,” said Delaney, trying to sound cheerful as he tacked bunting onto a display booth. “This one thing shouldn’t ruin the entire event. A lot of people look forward to this convention every year. It’s like a family. I can’t let them down just because I want to crawl in a hole and drop dead. I’m going to keep my chin up for the fans.”

Two Westboro Baptist Church Members Arrested, Accused Of Child Molestation

Posted on August 22, 2014 by Raoul Stockton

TOPEKA, Kansas –

Two members of the infamous Westboro Baptist Church have been arrested on child molestation charges, according to Topeka Police Department spokesperson Michelle Somerville.

51-year-old Parker Eugene Williamson and his 38-year-old wife, Janelle Williamson, both reportedly members of the Westboro Baptist Church, were arrested and booked early this morning. Due to the nature of the arrest, details of the molestation charges have been sealed under court order by Shawnee County judge Herman Jacoby. However, Somerville was able to share with the media that the couple were also facing charges of drug possession, animal cruelty, and resisting arrest.

“A warrant was issued to search the Williamson residence. Inside police discovered a bedroom in the house had been chained and padlocked from the outside. I can tell you that there was a child, the couples only son, and three neglected, malnourished dogs, no other details about what was uncovered in that room cannot be disclosed at this time,” Somerville said. “Of course, they also had a room filled with ridiculous, nonsensical signs they use when picketing. I think that’s a prerequisite for these people.”

The arrests took place just days after the church announced plans to picket the funeral of famed actor and comedian Robin Williams. Westboro Baptist Church members are known for their picketing of United States soldiers who have died in battle, celebrities, and mostly for their extreme anti-gay standing. Thankfully, they were not aware that Williams had requested cremation, and his ashes were scattered quietly without incident from the Church.

Shirley Phelps-Roper, the daughter of deceased WBC founder Fred Phelps, was reached by telephone shortly after the arrests were made, and she blatantly refused comment on the matter, claiming she didn’t know the Williamsons, and that anyone who asked would surely ‘burn in hell like all the other fag enablers.’

Due to the anti-gay stance of the church, and their supposed technique of only using words and no violence, an organization named Planting Peace, who opposes the church and is located right across the street from their home, is planning to continue to raise money in the name of overpowering WBC’s hate by getting people to donate money to charitable causes.

Stanley Unser of Planting Peace had this to said that their organization said they would take donations for suicide prevention, in honor of Williams. “The WBC might not have been able to picket a funeral for a well-loved celebrity, but they planned it. They think these are good things. Death is good. They’re sickos.”

Westboro Baptist Church has become more of a laughing-stock to the public in over time, with internet hatred giving way to peaceful, almost comedic, public protest. Those people who oppose the church, which obviously includes almost every living person on the planet, have increasingly set out to make a mockery of Westboro, mocking their well-known signs and picketing right along with them. People have taken to making their own versions of the hateful signs, using such slogans as “God Hates Signs,” and “God, My Sharpies Are Drying Out” and posing along with church members, taking selfies to post on the internet.

“Based on the number of funny signs, memes, and images found on the internet, it seems that the WBC is losing ground,” says University of Kansas behavioral sciences professor Dr. Carmen Fiorucci. “It truly seems to be that society has always been sickened by the group, which in my opinion is a hate group, even though the White House would not label them as such, but nobody is taking them seriously anymore. They make signs with hateful messages on them, that is their only form of spreading their gospel, which is really just bull—-, and it’s not spreading anymore. They have become a joke to society. The kids making signs to mock them and pose in front of them for photos, and good for them! It shows these loons have been defeated. If these members are proven to have committed the crimes which have been alleged, the burning of the church has begun, you can count on that.”

Somerville stated that the investigating of alleged crimes is being handled with the ‘utmost diligence,’ and details will be released at the proper time.

Crazy DNA Test Results Reveal Maury Povich Is The Father Of His Adopted Son

Posted on August 21, 2014 by DvanL

NEW YORK CITY, New York –

Since 1991, daytime talk show host Maury Povich has shocked hundreds of young men and changed the lives of an equal number of young women by revealing DNA paternity test results on The Maury Povich Show, later renamed Maury.

Povich’s dramatic declaration of You are NOT the father! is typically followed by exuberant dancing and somersaults from recently ruled-out fathers, to humiliated screams of desperate, truth-seeking mothers who run offstage, often followed by cameras recording every anguished scream and tear.

During a show taping last week, the tables were turned on Povich himself, when he volunteered to undergo a DNA test after being issued a challenge from an angry viewer.

In an email laced with obscenities, ‘professional blogger’ Mark Satterfield accused the show of staging its paternity show results. “I emailed them and said I know for a fact that you ass—– fake all those shows just to get the ratings. All there [sic] shows are crap and so then I said listen up you motherf——, I’m going public with what I know. I said I dare you to print this, and then that ass—- Maury Povich emailed me in person to invite me to be on the f—— show.”

“I believe in the integrity of the Maury show, so what better way to put my credibility and professional honor on the line?” asked Povich. “I personally invited Mr. Satterfield to be a part of the studio audience, and I wanted him to read the test results himself. I asked my adopted son if he would volunteer a sample of his DNA, which he agreed to do. “It was a hole-in-one,” remarked Povich, an avid golfer.

The day of the taping arrived. The audience was told why Povich was seated on the guest’s couch rather than in the host’s chair. Taping began. Satterfield was handed the now familiar manila envelope. He opened it and announced to Povich and the audience: “In the case of your adopted son, … Maury, … You … ARE the father!”

The studio audience erupted in wild screams and chants of “Aw, Snap!” “Damn Mo Po!” “What the F—?” “For real?” and “Wait…what?” Several audience members, including Povich’s wife, journalist and former CBS News co-host Connie Chung, remained frozen in their seats — too stunned to react.

“I was like, ‘well this s— has gotta be fake, too,’” said Satterfield. “I know for a fact that your adopted son can’t turn out to be your natural son, because he’s adopted! Heck, I’m adopted, and my adopted father was more of a real father to me than my natural father, that rat b—— who I never even met once!” he explained.

“But then,” continued Satterfield, “I saw the audience screaming and pointing at Maury and jumping up and down, so it hit me me what was going on, so I said ‘Oh, s***! I threw the envelope down and did my own f****** dance.”

Povich ran off the stage covering his mouth and threatening his camera crew. “Do NOT follow me backstage, do you understand? DO NOT follow me with that damn camera!” he demanded.

Several television show hosts were quick to offer reaction to the news, which sent ripples throughout the television hosting community.

“The test result was the most shocking event that I’ve ever witnessed in the history of my entire journey,” commented Oprah Winfrey, from her OWN Studio Headquarters. “My best friend Gayle and I were watching the show, and Steadman too, and the DNA result was even more shocking and unbelievable than what I used to do on my show back in the day! It was shocking! We were shocked! So was Steadman. He was there!”

Judith Sheindlin, outspoken host of the nationally syndicated program Judge Judy remarked, “That’s outrageous! Case dismissed!”

Povich initially said he had no explanation for the 99.99 per cent probability that he and his son were directly related, but later, when interviewed for a segment yet to be aired, Povich admitted that he donated sperm several years ago when he needed quick cash during a ratings slump.

“This revelation has strengthened the relationship between my son and me, which has always been strong,” said Povich. “I’ve said from the moment [Connie and] I saw him, that he’s always felt like my own son, and as it turns out, he is.” When asked if he was aware of any other children he has fathered, Povich chuckled, “Not as far as I know, but maybe we’ll find out a different truth on a future episode.”

Povich announced he would devote the next several shows to determining the identity of the mother.

Calls to Connie Chung were not immediately answered.

Breastfeeding Activists Plan ‘Bare Breasts At Work Day’

Posted on August 21, 2014 by mike the inkman

SEATTLE, Washington –

There have been many news stories as of late regarding public breastfeeding, and the issues that arise when mothers are caught feeding their children in view of others. Many people feel that breastfeeding is a natural act and should be allowed and respected in any forum, while others are of the opinion that breastfeeding should be done in a more private setting.

With all the attention as of late, one public breastfeeding activist group has decided that it is time to take a stand. Patricia Oseland, president of ‘Mommy’s Milk’, a national public breastfeeding awareness group based in Seattle, Washington, has called her members into action. The women of the group are staging a ‘Bare Your Breasts At Work Day’.

“The idea is simple,” Oseland said in a Youtube video that already has over one million views. “Breasts are a mother’s way of feeding her children, but they have been sexualized by men, and we are forced to cover them up. ‘Bare Your Breasts At Work Day’ is our chance to take back our breasts from the perverts in society and use them in the way they were intended to be used – as a source of nutrition for our offspring.

“On Monday, September twenty-second, I ask all of you to bare your breasts at your job. If you are not employed, go shopping, go to the zoo with the kids, go anywhere; but whatever you do, do it with bare breasts. The goal, no, the calling, of ‘Mommy’s Milk’ is to escape the stigma of our sexualized bodies and normalize the sight of bare breasts in public. We realize that we will not receive a positive reaction from everyone regarding our decision, but we do not care. We will not abandon our ideals. We will not be defeated. We will never give up. Breasts will be a normal part of our everyday lives once again.”

Supporters of public breastfeeding are voicing their support, and thousands of women have committed themselves to the cause. Youtube user Hippychik69 expressed her support in the video’s comments.

“I am not a mother, but I am lending my breasts to your cause. I will be working topless. I hope many more join us. We can make a difference ladies!”

On the other side of the coin, there are many people who feel that the move goes beyond activism and is more pornographic than it is educational. Madeline Smith, a mother of four and grandmother of seven doesn’t feel like the event is going to have any positive effect on public opinion regarding breastfeeding.

“I’ve been on this Earth for seventy-three years. I know people. You don’t sway others to your cause by forcing your beliefs down their throats. All that will happen here is that the opposition will grow more militant and set in their ways. If these women want to look like cheap floozies all day and lose their jobs in the process, that’s fine, but it won’t do anything but make them look stupid.”

‘Bare Your Breasts At Work Day’ has plenty of support from young mothers, but seems to be most popular with males age thirteen to forty-nine. Mark Harmon, a sophomore at Seattle Community College, says he is ‘pretty excited’ about the whole thing.

“Personally, I don’t care what they are ‘raising awareness’ for.” Harmon told a Seattle reporter. “If they want to take their shirts off, I am going to enjoy every minute of it. I’m not going to lie, it’s certainly going to ‘raise a little awareness’ in me, if you know what I mean.”

Seattle authorities, along with other police forces in other cities, have promised indecent exposure arrests if ‘Mommy’s Milk’ does not call off their demonstration. Seattle Police Chief Kathleen O’Toole is not amused by the movement.

“I am a mother, and I support breastfeeding, but this is taking things too far. If my officers see you in public with exposed breasts, you WILL go to jail, and your babies will be drinking formula for awhile.”

Drop In Blood Donations Means Higher Prices For Plasma TVs

Posted on August 21, 2014 by DvanL

PALO ALTO, California –

The American Red Cross issued an urgent nationwide appeal for blood donations as regional supply centers reported lower than average levels of immediately available blood reserves.

Plasma, blood’s liquid component, is essential for transporting red blood cells (erythrocytes), white blood cells (leukocytes), and platelets, which help to stop bleeding during traumatic physical injury.

The nation’s technological sector also requires a continual supply of plasma. Demand has steadily increased since the introduction of the first flat-screen plasma displays in 2006 and, as with any industry faced with a shortage of materials, the result is higher prices passed along to the consumer.

“Consumers are going to take a hit,” said Walter Britton, media analyst and marketing director. “It’s the domino effect – one puzzle piece influences the entire picture. Shoppers are going to end up with a lot of bruised wallets and pocketbooks,” he added.

Trudy Belmont, regional director of the Denver Colorado Red Cross, is confident that the public will favorably respond to the plea for increased donations. “Americans always come through. I have no doubt our regional and national supply levels will return to normal, just as they have in the past. Soon there will be enough blood everywhere,” she added.

Major electronics manufacturers, including LG, Samsung, Pioneer and NEC, have formed a partnership with the American Red Cross to urge the public to participate in nationwide blood drives.

“Give Blood – That’s The Resolution!” is the new rallying cry and national slogan developed by analyst Britton and his creative team. Public service announcements have been produced for wide distribution across several media platforms.

“The sooner we get enough blood,” said Britton, “the faster we can maintain the fair market prices that consumers demand, while providing hospital patients and victims of traumatic injury the life-giving fluid they have come to depend on. Let’s get flowing!” he enthusiastically chanted, pumping his fist in the air.

Formerly, a 2- to 3-day reserve supply of blood products was necessary to meet demands imposed by hospitals, emergency medical centers and electronics manufacturers. The Red Cross now aims to increase that reserve to 5 days.

Donald Sterling Agrees To Sell Clippers, Plans To Buy Redskins

Posted on August 20, 2014 by mike the inkman

LOS ANGELES, California –

Donald Sterling, disgraced Los Angeles Clippers owner, has announced that he will agree to sell the team, bringing an end to the months-long legal battle between himself and the NBA. Sterling however, does not plan to go quietly into the night, and is in talks with Redskins owner Dan Snyder over a proposed deal to purchase the team, which has had its own issues with perceived racism as of late. Sterling spoke to ESPN Reporter Erin Andrews about his reasoning.

“Well, honey, it seems like my welcome in LA is worn out. They say I’m antiquated, a relic, and maybe I am. Sure, I’m a little over the hill, but I still enjoy the company of a lovely lady like yourself. I also enjoy the thrill of owning a sports franchise. Those beautiful black bodies exerting themselves to achieve a common goal. I imagine that’s how the South was built. I heard mumblings around the country club that Danny was getting fed up with this whole ‘racial slur’ garbage, and I thought to myself, ‘Now that’s a team I could own’. Of course if the deal goes through, I’ll have to clear up the nonsense with these bloodsuckers trying to soak up legal fees by forcing a great football franchise to change its identity. Mind you, I’ve got a few papers to sign yet, but we’ve already hammered out the particulars. As near as I can recall, Washington was built on the backs of the black man. Even now, they have that black quarterback. A real workhorse, that one. I’ll be damn proud to call him my own. As far as the name business goes, those damn Indians should be glad we let them hang around as we turned this wilderness into the great land that it is today, not to mention naming a premier sports franchise in their honor.”

Andrews, looking incredulous, asked Mr. Sterling what he thought of Roger Goodell, the league commissioner, making a public statement regarding his promise to fight tooth-and-nail to keep him from buying the team.

“That old Irishman? He’s not as tough as he makes himself out to be. I was a Jew in this country before being a Jew was an admirable thing. I know a thing or two about being told ‘no.’ Despite the anti-semites in the business world, I scratched and clawed my way to the top. If that ginger b—— thinks he can keep me from achieving my goals, he’s in for a real big surprise. He’s the one who’s got a problem with race, not me. You should have heard him on the phone the other day. He sounded like a red-haired Hitler. I don’t care if he is the Fuhrer of the NFL, his little legal team is no match for my legislative wehrmacht. I’ll get my team, and I’ll pay those Indians their price, and we’ll get this damn thing back on the right track.”

Roger Goodell could not be reached for comment, but a league spokesman was willing to address the possible Sterling buyout.

“The league feels that he’s a crazy old man that shouldn’t be involved in running anything. There are no plans at this time to let Mr. Sterling buy anything, but as he has said, people have tried to hold him back from his goals his entire life. I’d say that there is at least an outside chance that Donald Sterling could be the next owner of the Washington Redskins.

Troop Leader in Custody After Using Girls Scouts as Drug Mules

Posted on August 19, 2014 by JP

PHILADELPHIA, Pennsylvania –

A Philadelphia women is under arrest after admitting to using a group of girls to help her sell and traffic drugs. The woman, Marlene Jacobs, 44, was a camp leader for a local chapter of the Girl Scouts and had allegedly been filling cookie boxes with assortments of drugs, and using the girls to deliver them to her customers.

Police say that Jacobs had been placing cocaine and prescription pills into certain boxes of Girl Scout Cookies, then making sure that the girls delivered them to a designated address. Jacobs would mark the boxes with a sticker, and had been running her scheme for the last 4 years.

“We didn’t know anything about what was in the cookie boxes,” said Michelle Hall, 11. “We always thought it was funny that we’d drop off cookies and get big bags of money. Other troops were only getting a few dollars a box. I was getting over $100 sometimes. I just thought Ms. Jacobs was a good pre-seller.”

“None of us parents had any idea this was going on, that our children were being used as drug mules,” said Karen Driver, a mother of one of the girls Jacobs’ had used to sell drugs. “It’s disgusting that she would do such a thing. I mean heck, the cookies themselves are already like a drug. Have you tried Samoas? Oh my God.”

The entire scheme failed after one of the girls accidentally sold a box with prescription pills inside to a police officer. According to reports, the box either never received a sticker, or the sticker fell off, and it was delivered by mistake.

“We were never supposed to deliver boxes with stickers to anyone who didn’t pre-order them through Ms. Jacobs,” said Hall. “She must have forgotten and gave me the wrong box, and that’s the one I gave to the policeman.”

“For a moment I thought maybe I won some type of prize or something, but when I realized what was in the cookie box I was blown away,” said police officer Martin Lovell. “I immediately tracked down the girl who had sold them to me, and questioned where she had gotten the cookies. After a bit of conversation, it was clear the boxes were rationed to all the girls by their troop leader.”

Jacobs is now awaiting her court date. If convicted, she could face up to 15 years in prison.

“Thankfully, the fact that box contained cocaine didn’t taint the cookies at all,” said Lovell. “My Thin Mints were still delicious, as always!”

‘Super Crack’: Ex-CIA Agent Reveals Government Plan To Release New Drug Into Inner-Cities

Posted on August 19, 2014 by mike the inkman

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Earlier this week, a defector from the CIA released thousands of documents regarding the Agency’s involvement in drug-smuggling, extortion, and murder. There are ledgers, account numbers, signed directives, and all manner of incriminating evidence irrevocably linking CIA agents to hundreds of major felonies; but that’s not the worst part. The defector, one William Kingsley, has released the outline of a new plot to release an even more powerful drug into our nations cities.

There have long been conspiracy theories regarding the introduction of crack cocaine into American inner-cities by the Central Intelligence Agency. The ‘tin-foil hat’ crowd has always been convinced that Contras and independent contractors flew cocaine-laden planes into the airport at Mena, Arkansas, under the supervision of Colonel Oliver North; and with the cooperation of then-Governor of Arkansas, Bill Clinton. According to stories and reports by ghosts and dead men, the cocaine was then sold to finance black operations undertaken by the CIA. Coups were staged with drug profits, revolutions were initiated with blood money. It was a dirty, risky business, and many lives were lost or ruined in the process. At least, that’s what the Infowars set would have you believe. Most logical people dismissed the whole thing as the delusions of madmen; at least that is, until now.

Agent Kingsley, a West Point graduate and former intelligence officer, spent thirty years building a career as a high-level analyst in the Central Intelligence Agency, and no one is sure exactly why he chose to leave it all behind. The CIA is working hard to dismiss and discredit Kingsley as an extremist, but extremist or no, there is no disputing the credibility of the information he has released thus far. In his latest release of information via prepared statement, posted on various social networks and forums, Kingsley outlined the plan to release the new drug.

“The CIA has developed a new drug which gives the euphoric rush of cocaine, has the addictive qualities of heroin, with little risk of overdose. It is easily and cheaply produced, but requires listed chemicals and complex laboratory equipment. The goal was to keep costs down while making the drug nearly impossible to manufacture on the streets. After months of formulations, they hit the nail on the head. The Agency has not given the drug an official name, but for the time being, it is being referred to as ‘super crack’. The drug will be produced in several forms, to target the various types of users.”

The formula released by Kingsley has been tested by independent chemists and confirmed to be highly narcotic, and dangerously addictive. Dr Leo Marvin, a highly respected research pharmacist and organic chemist examined the formula and was shocked by its potency.

“This compound replicates dopamine and oxytocin at a rate that would nearly overwhelm the brain’s receptors. To return to baseline levels of those neurotransmitters after such an experience would no doubt render a person nearly suicidally depressed. A person addicted to a drug like this would be willing to pay any cost necessary to keep it in their system. The profit margin would be nearly unlimited,” Dr Marvin said, after his study of the compound.

Agent Kingsley asserts that the CIA plans to use the drug not only as a form of revenue, but also as a method of producing subservient and mindless zombies who can be controlled by manipulation of their addiction. He has provided pages of notes regarding the development of the drug and its possible uses.

“Imagine an army that doesn’t care about death or morality. That’s what the Agency wants. They are going to use this drug as a multiplier or a lever. A hit-man will kill a man for ten thousand dollars. A junkie will do it for a fix. For ten thousand dollars, they can make thousands of fixes. You do the math.”