Pittsburgh Steelers Give Tryout To First Female Player

Posted on July 28, 2014 by L.J. Mainville Jr.

PITTSBURGH, Pennsylvania –

It used to be that women in the NFL were cheerleaders. Until recently, there has been a few novelty football leagues such as the Women’s Lingerie Football League (LFL) or the Independent Women’s Football League (IWFL); however, much like Women’s Basketball there is not much of an audience for these games. Other than the occasional “wardrobe malfunction” with the LFL, there really is not much excitement to these games.

With the recent ‘War on Women’ in the political arena, the NFL has decided to take a serious request in considering allowing female players in the NFL, when a request from 24-year-old Kaitlyn Saunders of Erie, PA arrived at St. Vincent College in Latrobe Pennsylvania requesting to try out as a kicker.

“I felt bad, but I told her this was the practice field and we don’t hold walk-on tryouts,” said Dan Calbright, spokesman for the Steelers coaching staff.

Traveling with her father and brother, Kaitlyn made the three hour trek just for a chance to try on the Black and Gold.

“I played soccer for years and I can really put a good boot on the ball,” Kaitlyn said with a toothy smile.

“She’s got a real strong leg,” her brother, Todd Saunders reported. “We were goofin’ off and she actually made a 53 yard goal.” Kaitlyn’s father backed up the story and stated they had her do it several times just to make sure it wasn’t a fluke.

A spokesman for Roger Goodell, NFL commissioner, stated they would give consideration to Kaitlyn pending an evaluation from Pittsburgh’s special teams coach, Danny Smith. When word of Kaitlyn’s skills made it back to Art Rooney, she was invited back to the Steeler’s main practice facility on Pittsburgh’s south side where she met with Danny Smith and the rest of the special team coaches.

“She’s an outstanding kicker and clearly has a strong leg,” Dan Smith reported. “She made a 58-yard kick at our south side facility.” Kaitlyn was 12 for 16 on the day during her invitational workouts, missing two from 45 yards out that she simply didn’t get enough lift on. They were knocked down by a net that is set up for the drill to ensure proper height. Kaitlyn also missed one from 50 yards out and another from 40 yards away.

Coach Smith gave no indication as to whether or not they would recommend Kaitlyn for an actual combine try out, however Roger Goodell’s office is making the consideration a possibility. When asked about drafting such a player, Danny Smith said, “If she’s invited to the combine I’d give her some serious consideration.”

“I’m just hoping that I can open up a couple barriers for the NFL next season,” said Kaitlyn. “They’ve seen what I can do, and now we’ll play the waiting game.”

10-Year-Old Girl Receives Breast Implants From Mexican Doctor

Posted on July 27, 2014 by A. Michael Smith

LONDON, England –

Sarah Burge has been making international headlines for close to a decade as the ‘human Barbie,’ a woman who has spent almost a million dollars on plastic surgery and body augmentation. She last made waves in the news in 2011, when she gifted her then 7-year-old daughter, Poppy, a gift voucher for almost $16,000 worth of surgery in the form of breast implants. She said that the voucher, although extravagant, could not be used until Poppy turned 18.

Since that time, Burge has apparently changed her mind, recently allowing and paying for her daughter, who is now 10, to get breast implants. The pair had to fly to Mexico to find a doctor willing to perform the surgery on such a young child.

“Poppy kept bugging me to have it done,” said Burge. “She’d stomp her feet and throw a tantrum, and say things like ‘Mommy, you had your first surgery at 7! I’m 10 now! I want my surgery!’ After awhile, I realized that she was right, and I had to give in.”

Burge says that she did try many clinics in both the UK and the US first, and every doctor she spoke to turned her down flat. Some even threatened to inform child protective services.

“They were very rude, very crass,” says Burge of the doctors she spoke to. “I even offered to pay double their normal price for the cosmetic surgery, and the still refused. We finally found Dr. Rodriguez in Tijuana, and he was willing to perform the surgery for actually a lot less than anyone else.”

Dr. Jose Rodriguez is a non-certified plastic surgeon who works out of his offices, which are actually just small rooms attached to his apartment, in Tijuana, Mexico.

“I have been a surgeon for many, many years,” claims Rodriguez. “Sarah came to me after being turned down by lots of doctors. People with ethics and concerns for children. Me, I don’t have those things. I performed the surgery, and it went very, very well. Young girl, she has a great set of breasts now. She is going to be a beautiful woman, just like her mama.”

Burge’s young daughter, Poppy, said that she loved the experience of the surgery, and cannot wait to have more of them.

“I really want to get my ears trimmed back, like Mommy,” said Poppy. “I also want to get my butt tucked in and my hips shaved down. I don’t like my fingers, so I might have them shaved down, too. I also want to have my eyes dyed a different color and to have my lips puffed way out like Mommy’s. I want to be beautiful.”

“Plastic surgery is a multi-billion dollar industry throughout the world,” said Rodriguez. “It makes people happy, makes them feel better about themselves. What’s wrong with that?”

Burge has reportedly gifted several other vouchers to Poppy over the last few birthdays and holidays, including a $12,000 voucher for liposuction and $15,000 for various additional cosmetic surgery. These vouchers usually come as birthday gifts, at parties where Burge spends anywhere from $40,000 to $75,000 for Poppy and her friends.

“I like to make her happy. Everything I do is for my Poppy,” said Burge. “I can afford to do anything and everything to make her dreams come true, so why wouldn’t I do it?”

Muhammad Ali’s Olympic Gold Medal Found In Ohio River

Posted on July 26, 2014 by Raoul Stockton

LOUISVILLE, Kentucky –

Once a year, volunteers who live near and along the great Ohio River participate in an event dubbed “The Annual Ohio River Sweep,” which extends the entire length of the massive waterway, from Pittsburgh, PA to Cairo, Illinois. Organizers said when the River Sweep started 25 years ago, finding items like washing machines, cars, and sunken fishing vessels was common.

“We’re not finding any of the large objects anymore, but we are finding what I call lots of ‘convenience items.’ A lot of the pop bottles, a lot of the plastic bags. So there is still a lot of work to be done on the Ohio River,” said River Sweep coordinator Lisa Cochran.

This year the great sweep fell on June 21. It was business as usual for volunteers from state to state, that is, except for one man. Robert Bradbury was born, raised and has lived his entire life in the thriving city of Louisville, Kentucky. Home of boxing great and humanitarian Muhammad Ali. What he found during the Sweep is most definitely one of the more mysterious and infamous pieces of sports hardware in American history.

“I saw something round and fairly large – well, bigger than any coin I know of, sticking out of the mud. I went to retrieve it and I realized it was a medallion of some kind,” Bradbury said. “As a joke, I walked over to my wife Pattie and told her ‘Hey I found Ali’s gold medal that he threw off the Second Street bridge in 1960!’ We both laughed as I tried to get it clean enough to make out what the design was on the thing.”

It was when he started to make out a figure on the medallion that Robert started to wonder what it really was.

“I finally rubbed the thing off enough so that I could see an image on the medallion, it almost looked to me like some ancient Roman God or something, then it clicked, I looked at my wife and said, ‘Oh dear Lord, the 1960 Olympics were in Rome!’ The thing totally looked Roman to me so I started to get excited. She told me to calm down because most medallions have that kind of design on them.”

It turns out that his wife was wrong, and there was a definite reason to get excited.

After about a week of searching for an appraiser, they located an Olympic Medal collector and expert living in Indianapolis, Indiana. So they made the two-and-a-half hour drive to meet Wade Somerville, who has been collecting Olympic Medals for fifteen years. Somerville used a special cleaning solution designed specifically for fragile, valuable precious metals.

“Not five minutes went by before he lit up like a Christmas tree, turned and said to us ‘What you have here, is an authentic 1960 Olympic Gold Medal. This thing is the real deal.'” The three of them were speechless. They all knew the old story.

Ali, then named Cassius Clay, cherished his gold medal from the 1960 Olympics so much that he wore it all the time, even while sleeping. Then one day, sickened by a horrific bout of racism he encountered that evening, the 18-year-old light- heavyweight boxing champion stood on the Second Street Bridge and threw the medal into the Ohio River.

He never revealed the story until a documentary was made about him in 1975, and he explained what happened. For various reasons, however, people seemed to want to believe he was making the story up to get a rise out of his fans and the Olympic committee, just being dramatic as he always was. The incident took place in the fall of 1960. Fast-forward fifty-four years. June 21, 2014, Robert Bradbury pulls an authentic 1960 Olympic Gold Medal from the muddy banks of the Ohio River.

“There is no doubt in my mind that this is the very gold medal Cassius Clay threw off that bridge. It is the most amazing thing I could possibly see with my own eyes!” said Somerville.

“I was like, ‘Oh Lord, now what do we do?'” Bradbury revealed. “We decided the only right thing to do was somehow contact the Ali family, so we went to the Muhammad Ali Center and swiftly handed it over to the curator. They were extremely excited as you could imagine and treated us like royalty.”

About a week went by when the Bradbury’s received a phone call from Chief Curator Sarah Lynn Jeffcoat, she asked the couple to meet them down at the Center as soon as possible. When they finally arrived, they were amazed by what was waiting for them. A check, written by the Ali family for the sum of $200,000.

“We both just burst into tears,” said Bradbury. “It is such an amazing thing to be actually now be a part of this amazing human-being’s story. We are linked with him for eternity, and they could not have been more thankful and appreciative. They have reached out and changed our lives forever, we are so grateful!”

Porcelain Dolls Resembling Abducted Children Appearing On Doorsteps Of Parents

Posted on July 25, 2014 by Bob The Empire News Potato

SAN CLEMENTE, California –

Over the last several weeks, parents of children who have been abducted and yet-to-be found have been coming home to a disturbing sight; porcelain dolls resembling their children are tucked into baskets and left on their doorsteps. So far, 8 families have come home to a doll being placed at their door.

“It was extremely unnerving and frightening,” said Kathleen Davidson, the mother of a young girl, Natalie, who was abducted from their home last Easter. “We never found our daughter. The case is still open, but police more or less gave up. We came home last Monday and there was something in front of our door. When I got closer, I noticed it was a doll. I thought perhaps a neighbor’s child had been playing in our yard and left it, but when I picked it up, it gave me such a jolt to discover it looked identical to Natalie. It was even wearing an Easter dress just like the one she was wearing when she was taken.”

Davidson says that she called the police, but initially they ‘weren’t interested.’

“They sent an officer out, and he didn’t really have anything to say about it. They basically just assumed it was a coincidence,” said Davidson.

Over the next several days, other families of abducted children began to receive dolls at their homes as well. Police had already begun a full-scale investigation by the time the fourth call came in.

“We are embarrassed by the fact that we didn’t begin an investigation into the matter sooner,” said Captain Michael Lambert. “We started receiving numerous calls from families who had a doll left at their home. All the families have children that have been abducted, and none of those children have been found. The cases of the missing children range from the late 1980s until the present. One of the families had their child taken only a few short months ago. We are investigating the situation of the dolls to see if they have any connection to the person or persons who may be involved in the abductions.”

So far, police have no new leads on any of the open abduction cases, and are asking anyone with information to call their local police department.

Move Over OctoMom: California Woman Pregnant With 10 Babies

Posted on July 25, 2014 by JP

SAN DIEGO, California –

Years ago a woman by the name of Nadya Denise Doud-Suleman shocked the world when she became pregnant with 8 children. The news of her pregnancy brought on a lot of attention, and people were in disbelief that something like that could actually happen to a human being.

With her pregnancy and birth of the children, fame hit for a solid 15 minutes for the nicknamed OctoMom as she had paparazzi following her around, deals with television networks, and even contract offers worth millions for an adult film.

Get ready to be shocked again, World, because after a recent ultrasound on a San Diego, California woman, doctors officially say that OctoMom’s record has been broken, as a patient at the San Diego Medical Center is pregnant with 10 babies.

Reports surfaced after a doctor confirmed that he has heard 10 separate heartbeats after a routine ultrasound. The mother has yet to be named per her request.

“It is an incredibly dangerous scenario this women is facing, and she isn’t taking the situation lightly” said Doctor Harold Reed, an obstetrician at San Diego Medical Center. “When first examining her I thought that the equipment I was using was faulty, but after several test and diagnoses, it is clear that she is pregnant with 10 babies.”

Doctor Reed went on to say that, unfortunately, the chances of all the children surviving and being born healthy are slim.

“Our patient is aware that this is a severely rare situation,” said Reed. “She is about 5 months along at this moment, and we have actually agreed to keep her here, under our watchful care, to try to best make sure that her babies can be born with the least amount of risk to both her health, and the health of her unborn children.”

Dr. Reed said that currently the woman is doing fine, and has been made very aware of her circumstances. She is due to give birth at the beginning of December.

Seth Rogen, James Franco Taken Into Protective Custody Following Threats From North Korea Over New Movie

Posted on July 24, 2014 by Raoul Stockton

FORT MEADE, Maryland –

Actors Seth Rogen and James Franco have been taken into protective custody by the NSA following a second formal letter from North Korea Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un was sent to the White House regarding the upcoming Hollywood film The Interview. The action comedy portrays a fictional attempt by the CIA to assassinate Kim Jong-un, and stars Rogen and James Franco as a hapless TV film crew given the task to kill the leader.

North Korea has lodged the letter, which is the second thus far, to formally complain about the film. In the letter, officials from the National Defense Commission stated that the plot insults and undermines the leadership of Kim Jong-un and that they insist the film be prohibited from release by President Obama. Several threats were made in the first and second letters, and even resorted to racial slurs aimed at The President, along with threats of “retaliation” if the movie is released.

It remains unclear the exact reasons Rogen and Franco were taken into custody, but White House Press Secretary John Earnest briefly addressed what was originally thought to only be a rumor as true.

“I can confirm that Seth Rogen and James Franco were taken into custody as a result of the latest threats coming out of North Korea as a safety precaution, that is all that can be said about the matter at this time,” said Earnest. When asked if the movie, which is slated to be released October 10th, would still see the light of day he stated “I cannot comment on the dealings with the film studio at this time. I can say it is a particularly delicate situation, and all measures are being taken to protect all involved and resolve the issue in the appropriate fashion.”

Columbia Pictures, who is set to distribute the film, has not given any further information on the release, only saying that “As of now, The Interview is still set to be released in theaters across the United States October 10th. Obviously things are being worked out, what that entails is unknown at this time,” said Columbia Executive Amy Pascal.

Wal-Mart Bans Girls Scouts From Selling Cookies In Front of Stores

Posted on July 24, 2014 by Bob The Empire News Potato

BENTONVILLE, Arkansas –

Wal-Mart stores have announced this morning that they will no longer be allowing members of any Girl Scout troops to sell cookies in front of their stores, claiming that Girl Scout Cookies directly compete with their own ‘Great Value’ brand of cookies.

“We, as a company, have decided to no longer allow the Girl Scouts of America to sell their cookies in front of our establishments,” said Douglas Mcmillon, President and CEO of Wal-Mart Stores, INC. “We at Wal-Mart sell our own line of baked snack foods, including several cookie flavors that the Girl Scouts also sell. We have come to the decision that they are a competing brand, and management at all locations has been informed to deny permission to any troops looking to sell at their stores.”

Wal-Mart has been allowing Girl Scout troops to set up tables and sell their cookies in front of stores for decades. Suddenly and abruptly pulling their permission has come as a shock to many parents of young Girl Scout members, many of whom say they will boycott the company completely.

“I cannot believe that they would do something like this to our girls,” said Mary Lambert, a mother of 2 girls in the Scout program. “We have been going to our local Wal-Mart and selling cookies together as a group for the last 3 years. This is an outrage. If they think I’m going to buy their stupid cookies, they are dead wrong. I won’t buy anything there anymore!”

“We understand that people are going to be upset,” said Mcmillon. “There isn’t much we can do to change that. They sell Caramel Delites, we sell Caramel Fudge and Coconut Cookies. They sell Thin Mints, we sell Chocolate Mint Wafer Cookies. It’s about the Scouts stealing money from us, and we can’t have that. You don’t see Coca-Cola parked in front of Pepsi retailers selling their sodas, do you?”

Although not as numerous in locations as Wal-Mart, big box retailer K-Mart has stepped up to the plate, offering their locations as selling points for all Girl Scout troops.

“We don’t sell our own brand of cookies. To be honest, we don’t sell much of anything,” said Patricia Miller, president of Sears Holdings, the parent company of K-Mart. “All Girl Scout troops are more than welcome to block our entryways to sell their delicious cookies.”

Curiously, Wal-Mart has not banned the Boy Scouts of America from selling their popcorn tins in front of their locations. Parents of several Girl Scout members think it’s less about money, and more about sexism.

“Wal-Mart is known for being horrible to their workers, and being downright abysmal to their female employees,” said Lambert. “We think this is just more sexism from the biggest company in the world. They’re banning our girls, but the boys can shill their popcorn ’til the cows come home.”

Several troop leaders, as well as many groups of parents throughout the country, have initiated a boycott of Wal-Mart stores. At the time of this writing, Wal-Mart representative could not be reached for further comment.

George W. Bush Arrested for Cocaine Possession

Posted on July 24, 2014 by JP

DALLAS, Texas –

One of the most notorious Presidents in history of The United States of America is back in the spotlight, but not because of his politics. George W. Bush was arrested in a Dallas suburb late Tuesday evening after a routine traffic stop uncovered over an ounce of cocaine in his glove compartment.

Dallas police say they pulled over Bush after he made a right turn without signaling. Officers report they were surprised when seeing it was the ex-president, but felt something was off about his behavior. They say Bush seemed under the influence of a narcotic, and the officers on-scene asked to search the car. Curiously, Bush consented, and police found the narcotics.

“We pulled over the truck and were about to write a simple traffic ticket and things escalated fast,” said officer Charles Cane, a veteran officer with the Dallas Police Department. “At first my partner and I were stunned with who was in the truck ,and [Bush] began to crack jokes and asked if we wanted to take a picture with him. I noticed he was sniffling quite a bit and the glaze on his eyes screamed that the was under the influence.”

Cane said that once the officers uncovered the cocaine, Bush tried to bribe them to keep from getting arrested. When that failed, he turned to threats and rambling, reportedly saying that he would ‘get the FBI to kick their a–‘ and that ‘Presidents can break any laws they want.’

“I broke so many laws when I was in office, and I didn’t see you coming to try to arrest me then!” Bush shouted at police officers. “I’ve been doing coke for decades! I used to blow lines out of a Skull & Bones in New Haven tittie bars when you were making nice in your diapers, kid. You just want your name in the papers next to mine.”

“It was a tough arrest to make, but I didn’t become a police officer to make easy decisions. He begged me over and over to let it slide, then he offered me money, then he called me an ass—-, but that is the way the law goes. We don’t offer special treatment to anyone in Dallas. I don’t care who you are.”

Representatives for Bush have yet to comment, but bail was set at $5,000 and posted immediately. Bush spent less than 6 hours in a holding cell before being released.

Body Found Under Motel Bed, Police Say It Has Been There At Least 5 Years

Posted on July 24, 2014 by JP

MOUNT LAUREL, New Jersey –

Stunning news this morning out of New Jersey, as reports of police discovering the body of a young woman under a motel bed have been confirmed. The owners of the motel asked that their name and location be omitted from news reports to protect their business.

The body, which has yet to be identified, was found by a person staying in the room.

“I dropped the television remote, and when I went to check under the bed I found her. It was like something out of a scary movie,” said Aaron Silver, the man staying in the room.

According to initial reports by the medical examiner on-scene, it appears as though the body lay undisturbed in the room for about 5 years. There was a normal amount of rot and decay on the body to suggest that it had not been moved or touched over the course of that time.

The motel has not made a comment about the issue but have told police that they are constantly cleaning their rooms and have no idea how this could have slipped beneath the cracks.

“I clean that room every day. I noticed a smell several times, and told my manager,” said Anita Rodriguez, a housekeeper at the motel. “He told me to just use extra Febreeze in the room and it would go away eventually. I always hated cleaning that room.”

Motel representatives say that all their rooms are cleaned daily, but that it is not the policy of the company to make their housekeepers check under the beds.

“They do a heavy clean of the rooms to sanitize for guests, but when it comes to under the beds, they just run the vacuum around the edges. Who really looks under the bed, anyway? No reason to waste anyone’s time,” said Charles Dyson, a representative of the motel chain.

“It’s the most bizarre thing I’ve ever seen,” said police chief Joe Goldsmith. “I’ve seen a lot of strange things in my time on the force, but to think about all the people who’ve stayed in this room, with a dead body beneath them, and they didn’t know about it? It gives me the heebie-jeebies.”

Police have seized room and occupant records for the last several years, and are trying to trace the person or persons who may have stayed in the room around the time of death.

“Funny thing is, the records also show literally almost 1,000 complaints from people who stayed in the room over the years. Everything from a bad smell to an ‘eerie feeling.’ Several people even asked to switch rooms in the middle of the night,” said Goldsmith. “The motel really should have checked out that room a little more closely.”

The body of the young woman is set for autopsy at the end of the week.

5-Year-Old Finds Human Finger In His McDonald’s Happy Meal

Posted on July 23, 2014 by JP

MONTPELIER, Vermont –

One of the biggest fast food restaurants in the world will be facing yes another lawsuit that could potentially take a huge chunk from the their bank account. McDonald’s is under the spotlight after a 5-year-old boy discovered a human finger in his Happy Meal earlier this week.

The Happy Meal was purchased at a location in Montpelier, Vermont, and employees there are baffled to how something like this happened under what store management claims is a ‘tightly run ship.’

“I can’t believe that something like this happened. I have no idea how it could have,” said Dan Green, manager of the McDonald’s location where the finger was allegedly found. “I’ve literally checked all my employees hands, and all of them still have their fingers, so we believe that are restaurant wasn’t the cause of the problem. Either the finger came from further up the industrial ladder, or the family themselves planted it in the meal.”

To add to the confusion, it wasn’t until hours after the Happy Meal was purchased that the local mother, Erica Silver, came back in, causing an uproar about it. The item was purchased in the drive-thru of the McDonald’s, and Goldsmith claims she had no idea that the finger was in there until she noticed her son was sucking on something.

“I handed it to my son in the back seat, as I always do, and he ate his nuggets and apple slices,” said Silver. “When we got home, I noticed that he was sucking on something. I thought at first it was an apple slice, but I screamed in horror when I pulled it out of his mouth to discover it was a finger!”

Silver’s son, Mark, was taken to the emergency room where he was checked for possible diseases or infection, and to Silver’s relief, they found no issues.

“They are lucky that he didn’t get sick from sucking that finger,” said Silver. “That does not excuse the fact, though, that they need better management of their food and what goes into the containers. You can bet that I’m going to be speaking to my attorney about this.”

McDonald’s corporation has denied comment on the matter, pending an internal investigation.

Over the years, many people have claimed to find disturbing things in their McDonald’s means, including teeth, band-aids, hair, bits of plastic, and even bits of trash. This marks the first time the company has been accused of letting a finger slip through the cracks and into a meal container.