Obsessed ‘Finding Bigfoot’ Fan Claims to Have Discovered Creature, Police Find Dead Wife In Sasquatch Costume

Posted on July 17, 2014 by Raoul Stockton

FAYETTE COUNTY, West Virginia –

A Fayette County man, Reginald Jacobson, called NBC affiliate WVVA on Tuesday evening and left a message saying he had found and hunted down Bigfoot. Reporter Steve Muscabi chuckled when he first heard the message.

“The guy sounded very excited, left his name and number and home address, so we decided to follow-up the message and return his phone call,” said Muscabi. “It was about 4 hours after the initial call when I called back. He was sobbing so uncontrollably I could barely understand him. He kept repeating ‘I have made a terrible mistake, I didn’t mean to do it, I’m so sorry!’ He just kept repeating those words.”

After asking several times for Jacobson to slow down and explain what was happening, Muscabi was finally able to get Jacobson to explain what he’d done.

“Finally, he said ‘It was Betty, I killed Betty, Oh dear Lord, I killed my wife!'” recalls Muscabi. “I quickly scribbled down [Muscabi’s] address, handed it to an intern, and told him to call 9-1-1.”

When West Virginia State police arrived on the scene, they were shocked and confused to find 47-year-old Betty Jacobson shot to death and in a tub filled with cold water. The weirdest part, investigators say, is that she was in a Sasquatch costume.

“What we have is a very disturbing case that is currently being investigated simply as a homicide,” said West Virginia State Police spokesperson Lt. Paul Hart. “I can only say at this point that we are diligently investigating the shooting death of Betty Jacobson, any further information will be released when we are prepared to do so.”

“Whether this was foul play or a tragic accident, it is absolutely terrible.” said WVVA reporter Muscabi. “Being the first person to hear Mr. Jacobson’s message and having even laughed when I heard it, and for it to turn out this way is so disturbing. I hope friends and family get the answers they deserve.”

A neighbor of the Jacobson’s, who asked to not be named, was standing on the edge of his property while police were investigating the bizarre scene, and told reporters that Jacobson had been obsessed with finding Bigfoot.

“I always thought he was crazy, he was truly obsessed. He had pictures from alleged sightings hanging all over his living room wall, his obsession seemed to escalate when the TV reality series Finding Bigfoot began to air. That show seemed to have awakened something in him. It became a lifetime goal for him to be the one to find Bigfoot.”

Finding Bigfoot is a reality television series which premiered in 2011. The show documents four Bigfoot experts in their quest to find the elusive creature throughout the United States and Canada. The show airs on the Animal Planet cable network. No comment has been made by the network or producers of the television show.

Mixed Martial Arts To Become Banned in United States By 2015

Posted on July 17, 2014 by Raoul Stockton

LAS VEGAS, Nevada –

James Lee Offerman, chairman of the Association of Boxing Commissions (ABC) announced on Thursday morning that under the urging of the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, the U.S. Government is expected to pass a bill in 2015 which will make all Mixed Martial Arts (MMA) competition illegal in all 50 states.

“Under urging from the Obama administration and the DHHS, researchers and medical experts have studied diligently the last few years to investigate the dangers of MMA competition. The results complied have proven that the sport is far too dangerous to go forward in the United States. A decision we, the ABC, have ultimately approved.” said Offerman.

There have been four MMA related deaths since 2007, the latest being Booto Guylain, a Congolese fighter who died on March 5, 2014 following complications resulting from a head injury experienced during an MMA bout. It was the death of Tyrone Mimms, who died in South Carolina in 2012 following a MMA match, that prompted the Obama Administration to initially investigate the dangers of the extremely popular sport. After two years of studies and research, studies revealed that the most alarming statistic were to fighters who have suffered permanent brain damage during sparring and matches. The numbers were not released by the Department of Health and Human Services, just that the compilation of results were “beyond alarming.”

“The high-profile of modern MMA promotions such as UFC and Pride has fostered an accelerated development of the sport making it more and more dangerous in a short amount of time,” says sports medicine expert and neurosurgeon Dr. Zumbaka Ulygeno. “I have seen an alarming amount of life changing brain injuries in the past three years due to the sport of mixed martial arts, while it is exciting and is big business in the United States, it needs to be brought to an end.”

Dana White, President of MMA giant organization UFC was reportedly extremely angry about the reports, as well as the secretive nature of the investigation by the White House.

“This is ridiculous. You don’t see them trying to shut down the sport of football, and the last time I checked, even high school kids are killed almost every year playing. We will fight this,” said White. “This is just another attempt by the Obama Administration to rip another piece of freedom from the American public. We won’t stand for it. If we let them take this away from us, what’s next? Boxing? Baseball? Fried chicken? This is disturbing and infuriating to say the least.”

According to Offerman the ban has absolutely nothing to do with politics.

“We are here to protect the American public, and this is exactly what we are trying to do. Anyone blaming the Obama administration needs to look at the big picture,” explained Offerman during a press conference in Las Vegas. “The sport has run its course, the fighters are getting stronger and more dangerous, yet there is no superstar. It seems that the risk involved should no longer worth it to those who oversee the sport, and there is no shame in waving the white flag in surrender.”

“You clearly have not heard the last from MMA supporters, fighters, promoters, and the crazed, uninformed cult that follows our barbaric sport,” said White. “We need to stand up for the right to observe organized, violent sporting events. It’s what makes this country perfect in every way.”

Whole Foods Market Becomes First Company To Require Employees To Have Visible Tattoos

Posted on July 16, 2014 by Bob The Empire News Potato

AUSTIN, Texas –

In what many people are claiming is a publicity stunt to show they are a hip, young company, Whole Foods Market became the first company in the country to require that all of their store employees have visible tattoos.

Despite becoming more and more popular over the years, tattoos still have a stigma attached to them, especially from older generations. With many people today, both young and old, getting tattoos, Whole Foods said that they want to create a great, fun environment in a somewhat stagnant job market for anyone with body art.

“I personally don’t have any tattoos, but I think it’s a beautiful, creative way to express yourself,” said John Elstrott, CEO of Whole Foods Market, INC. “We decided, after numerous focus groups and discussions amongst our board members, that we want our employees to show off their creative sides. We want them all to have visible tattoos.”

Despite writing into their company’s regulations that they want everyone to be tattooed, that does not mean that current non-tattooed employees are losing their jobs.

“Quite the contrary, actually,” said Elstrott. “For our current employees who don’t have [visible] tattoos, we expect that you will go and get, at your cost, a long sleeve shirt and/or long pants. If you do not have visible tattoos, we don’t want your bare skin showing. Of course, you can always go out and get a tattoo yourself!”

Current employees of Whole Foods seem divided on the subject. Many of their employees have tattoos currently, but had to cover them up before the new rule. Others who had no tattoos, say that they don’t have any because they weren’t interested in getting one.

“I never got a tattoo because I didn’t want one. I like that I can wear short sleeve shorts to work,” said store supervisor Michelle Pickford. “Now they’re saying I actually have to go out and get a long-sleeve shirt, or get tattooed? It’s ridiculous. I made a life choice to not get a tattoo. What does that have to do with what kind of worker I am?”

“Personally, I think it’s the best damn thing any company has ever done for its employees,” said Joe Goldsmith, a stock supervisor at the Whole Foods store in Brockton, Massachusetts. “I’m covered in tattoos from my neck down to my wrists, and I’ve been stuck wearing long sleeve, turtleneck shirts my entire 4 years at Whole Foods. This is going to make next summer the best summer I’ve ever had working here.”

Whole Foods says that their new tattoo policy goes into effect starting August 1st. Per their current handbook, visible piercings are still forbidden.

TVs ‘Dr. Phil’ Comes Out As Homosexual

Posted on July 16, 2014 by JP

BEVERLY HILLS, California –

A familiar face for daytime television has made an announcement that has set a shock to his millions of loyal viewers. Popular television host Phil McGraw, also known as Dr. Phil, announced early Tuesday morning that he is gay, and that he couldn’t keep the secret in any longer.

Dr.Phil first made his appearance on television on the very popular Oprah Winfrey show, and over time became one of her favorite guests. The appearances on her show eventually led to McGraw landing him his own television show, and the program has been running strong ever since.

McGraw has a way of getting the brutal truth out of people and calling out cowards that hide behind their lies. His forceful attitude and completely stringent, no B.S. attitude has made his program very popular in the ratings for a daytime television show.

For a while Dr.Phil has been quite the celebrity, appearing on different television shows while still racking in viewers on his own program. The hype of his show has cooled off a bit over time, but he still airs his show in syndication throughout the country.

Even with his immense popularity, questions are certainly arising as to why he has chosen to ‘come out’ at this point in his life and career, seemingly announced out of nowhere, throwing a ripple through his home life. McGraw has been married to wife Robin Jameson since 1976.

“I spend most of my days getting the truth from my guests, and all this time I was lying to myself.” said McGraw. “I’ve always known, and I didn’t want to disturb the life of my family and friends. I wasn’t sure how the public would take it after my fame, so I kept it inside to keep things calm. Then one day recently I woke up and looked myself in the mirror, I said ‘You like kissing men, looking at them naked…guess what buddy, you’re a homosexual!'”

McGraw’s wife Robin is reportedly seeking religious guidance for her husband, as well as possibly checking him into a sexual re-orientation clinic.

“We’ll get him back on the straight path, all puns intended.” Said Jameson. “Phil is a loving man, and I stand by him and his decisions, even though they are completely disgusting in the eyes of the Lord. If he can’t help his needs, we’ll just spend all of the millions of dollars he’s made trying to cure him. It’s possible with God.”

McGraw himself continues to work on his program, Dr. Phil, and says he has no desire to change anything about his chosen career.

“It’s just freeing to finally be me, you know?” said McGraw.

It’s Official: ‘Breaking Bad’ Movie To Hit The Big Screen Next Summer

Posted on July 16, 2014 by JP

HOLLYWOOD, California –

One of the highest rated and most popular television shows in history is set to take make a return, but not in the way you may think. It has finally been announced that the hit show Breaking Bad will be jumping to the big screen next summer.

Breaking Bad was the hit AMC TV show about a struggling high school chemistry teacher who turns to a life of crime selling methamphetamines after a diagnosis of inoperable lung cancer.

Rumors sparked left and right after actor Bryan Cranston had made a few comments about how the show ended. Fans online have talked about it happening, and everyone was hoping that it would come to fruition, but the studio and several people involved in the show initially denied the rumors.

“We were told to keep as quiet as possible about it,” said Cranston, who although known for TV shows like Malcolm in the Middle, shot to fame after Breaking Bad became a ratings smash. “The cat is out of the bag, as it were. We started shooting the movie about 2 weeks ago in Albuquerque.”

With news of the film breaking, movie theaters around the country have already begun to pre-sell tickets, the first time in history that a pre-sale has begun before the film has actually been completed. Normally, a theatre will pre-sell a week or two before an anticipated big movie is released. For Breaking Bad, they know they had to start now, almost a year in advance.

“We are talking about one of the biggest shows in the history of TV.” Said Regal Cinemas chairman Mark Landry. “As soon as it became confirmed that the movie had been green-lit, we gave the okay to our theatre managers to begin selling tickets.”

Filming is underway, but unfortunately it is a closed-set, and no other information – including the plot of the movie, timeline, or which characters will appear.

TMZ reporters questioned actor Aaron Paul, who played Jesse on the hit show, as he was leaving a Hollywood restaurant, and when asked about a Breaking Bad movie he seemed confused.

“The is the first I’ve heard of it,” said Paul. “Apparently I’ve got some phone calls to make.”

Production on the the Breaking Bad movie is scheduled to run through the end of October, with the film slated for a Memorial Day 2015 release.

Justin Bieber Purchases Historic Graceland Mansion From Elvis Presley Estate

Posted on July 15, 2014 by Raoul Stockton

MEMPHIS, Tennessee –

Graceland, the cherished white-columned Mansion in Memphis, Tennessee purchased by Elvis Presley in March of 1957 for $102,500 has, shockingly, been sold according to Presley’s daughter, Lisa Marie Presley, for an undisclosed amount of money. The buyer was none other than millionaire pop-singer Justin Bieber, who closed the deal on Monday.

The home, registered as a National Historic Landmark, has been estimated to have been worth at least $100 million. As most Elvis lovers know, the home is a huge tourist attraction, attracting more than 600,000 visitors per year. So what does it all mean? Will Bieber keep it as is, which is big business and a major Memphis tourist attraction? Nobody seems to know, including Lisa Marie.

“It is a difficult time for my mother and I, as we have decided to move on,” Said Presley via a written statement issued by her publicist, Paul Bloch. “Keeping up with Graceland had proven to be extremely taxing – literally and figuratively. We privately put it on the market last month. It was sold to Justin Bieber, and we will leave any and all details for him and his people to explain. The sale was completed and that is all we can share with you at this time.”

The news is sure to infuriate longtime lovers of The King. Visitors who were waiting in line for a daily tour of the home were asked their opinion about the transaction, none of which had any idea that the home had been sold.

“This is a joke right?” asked concerned fan Kenny Russell, from Chicago, Illinois, who was visiting with his two daughters. “Well, all I can say is I’m glad I brought them when I did, because if that trouble making punk bought this beautiful place, it will surely become some kinda sex-filled bachelor pad and get destroyed.”

As if news of Graceland wasn’t shocking enough, fans seemed generally depressed and mostly angered that it was sold to someone such as Bieber.

“I’ll tell you what…if that overgrown toddler really did purchase this place, it is a major blow to American Music History,” said Dottie Pittman of New Orleans, Louisiana. “I will never be back, that’s for sure!”

Several attempts to contact the Bieber camp came up empty on Monday evening. It is totally unknown what will be done with the mansion located at 3764 Elvis Presley Blvd. There is speculation that there were partners involved with Bieber, but those reports have yet to be confirmed. Why Bieber is remaining tight-lipped about the exchange is as bizarre as the story itself.

“What exactly has the world come to? Maybe some drastic measure can be taken, causing the reversal of transaction.” Said Presley super-fan Mark Chapman. “[Bieber] is everything that is wrong with show business. It is as if he is some mutant, annoying, pimple faced spoiled rich kid that gets anything he wants in this country. If this social decline continues we are ultimately doomed.”

Daughter Forced To Get ‘Tramp-Stamp’ Tattoo of Dad’s Face; Sues for Removal Costs

Posted on July 14, 2014 by Angela Baker

RICHMOND, Virginia –

Daddy’s little girl is now old enough to sue. 19-year-old Tiffany Kendell is suing her father, Jeff Kendell, for laser tattoo-removal costs plus $5,000 pain and suffering. Three years ago, Tiffany’s father convinced her to get a portrait of his face tattooed so he would always be with her.

“It’s on my lower back. At first, I thought, okay – I won’t have to look at it, but now I can’t wear a bikini without my dad like, staring at my friends. It really creeps guys out and my dating life is non-existent,” said Tiffany.

Jeff’s bitter ex-wife, Rebecca Kendell-Jackson, is paying for her daughter’s attorney and plans to drag Jeff through the mud.

“When I saw it I thought, ‘this is sick.’ People are going to think there’s something perverted going on,” said Kendell-Jackson.

According to Tiffany’s lawsuit, her father bribed her into getting the portrait of his face on her lower back in exchange for a pink 2009 Chrysler Sebring Convertible. At 16, she was too young to get a tattoo in their home state of Virginia without parental consent, so her father accompanied her. Because of this fact, the artist who did the tattoo is not being named in the lawsuit.

Tiffany’s lawyer, Tom Twain, says at age 16, “Ms. Kendell didn’t understand the implications of this tattoo. Forever is forever, and this isn’t a little butterfly we’re taking about. Mr. Kendell was abusive and negligent, and he should be responsible for fixing his parenting mistakes.”

“He not only bribed me with a car, he threatened to like, follow me and my friends around until I was thirty if I didn’t get it done,” said Tiffany. “Plus my car got totaled, so it’s not even fair. I don’t have that car anymore, but I still have this stupid tattoo. It’s humiliating, and I just want it off.”

Jeff Kendell argues that he was just trying to be a loving father and a good dad.

“I’m a good father. I just wanted to protect her. If she hadn’t crashed her car while texting, I bet there wouldn’t be an issue at all right now. What’s the big deal, anyway? I’d get a tattoo of my daughter ‘s beautiful face anywhere she wants. Fair is fair.”

When asked if he was concerned Tiffany would never be able to do it doggy-style with any of her future boyfriends, Jeff said ”The right kind of man won’t be turned off by a little tattoo, but hey – Wait, that’s my daughter you’re talking about!”

New ‘Bee Tax’ on Cell Phones May Drive Landline Comeback

Posted on July 14, 2014 by Angela Baker

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Recent technological reports have heralded the end of an era. There are no more payphones or dial tones, and slowly but surely, elderly landline subscribers have died off or finally learned to text. Don’t throw away your old cordless phone yet, though! Because of a hefty new “Bee Tax,” landlines may soon be making a comeback. This new environmental “protection tax” will be approximately $25 dollars per line added to your current monthly cell phone bill. It is expected to make its appearance on all U.S. cell phone carriers, after the 911 Surcharge and Federal Excise Tax, by 2015.

Since the introduction of cellphones, the bee population has been on a well-documented decline. While humans can not perceive cell phone signals, communication between mobile phones and cell towers confuses bees, causing them to become disoriented. Unable to function normally, colonies of honey bees are steadily collapsing. Since honey-bees are crucial in pollination, this presents a huge problem. For some time now the USDA has denied any correlation between cell phones and bee colony collapse, but it has reached a point where farmers are seeing an impact nationwide.

“It has become clear that cell-phone use needs to be limited.” Said Peter Mayer, a representative for the USDA. “Cell phone rates will go up, but we need to encourage more landline usage. Aren’t you sick of that whole ‘can you hear me now’ stuff anyway?”

While landline phone stock has steadily declined on Wall Street, financial experts are now predicting a surge in value. Among other companies, Verizon, Fairpoint Communications, and even MagicJack and Vonage stocks have both gone up in demand. Roy Chestnut, chief financial officer of Verizon, reportedly has plans in motion to buy back some territory that was sold off to smaller companies in preparation of customer switching back to landline phones.

The “Bee-Tax” regulation is rapidly making its way through the senate and house, and inside sources say President Obama is not expected to veto the bill. Environmentally concerned democrats and fiscally tight republicans both support the measure.

“Hey, I’m for it. It will encourage competition and create jobs – and most importantly, it’ll help America’s backbone, the farmer.” Said Republican senate leader Mitch McConnel of Kentucky. “Nothing is more important to America and the future of this country than the farming industry.”

When questioned about those people that would not be able to afford cell phone service if taxed an extra $25 per line, McConnel did not seem concerned.

“These welfare folk and the like can just spend less money on getting their nails done, crack, and cable TV, and then they can come up with [the money]. Or they can share a landline – which was a luxury in my day and age. We definitely aren’t going to be able to fund government subsidized programs like food stamps if the honey bees done-die-out now, are we?”

Maine Enacts Law Forcing All Motorists To Wear Helmets Regardless Of Vehicle

Posted on July 13, 2014 by Bob The Empire News Potato

AUGUSTA, Maine –

A new law passed by the Maine State Legislature yesterday will require all motorists to wear a helmet while driving, regardless of the vehicle. Maine is the first state in the country to adopt such a law, although several other New England states have been researching the idea for several years, including Rhode Island, Connecticut, and Massachusetts.

Maine governor Paul LePage (R), said that the new law would be a “huge leap forward” for the safety of the people of Maine.

“Before this law, we had no regulations on helmets at all. Motorcycles could whip down the highway at 70 MPH, and the driver was not legally required to wear any protection.” Said LePage. “This completely disregarded the fact that we had a seatbelt law for all occupants of regular cars and trucks. Why would we have one law, and not the other? It’s asinine. So we really went full-on with this new regulation.”

Previous law said that anyone, whether passenger or driver of a vehicle, must wear a seatbelt. This new law would also require them to wear a helmet, either bicycle-style or those designed for motorcycles – basically just something to protect the head in a crash.

“From now on, it doesn’t matter if you’re riding a Harley or driving a Honda, you are going to be required to put on a helmet.” Said LePage.

Opponents of the new law have not easily been silenced, including the Maine chapter of the Wheels of Satan , a notorious motorcycle club with several charters across the country. Members of the group are furious, personally blaming LePage for taking away their freedom to ride without a helmet, something they say they hold dear to their hearts.

“I hate helmets, and I came to Maine to avoid the strict helmet laws of other states.” Said Brent “Hefty” Capabianco, president of the Wheels of Satan’s Portland, Maine charter. “Not only are they forcing us to wear a helmet while riding, now I also have to wear a helmet when I get in my Godd— truck, too? This state is out if its mind. The Wheels are not happy, and we’re going to be making that fact known.”

The law, which was voted on yesterday, will take effect September 1st. At that point, police will be able to levy fines on any motorist not wearing DOT approved head protection. The fines begin at $75, the same as Maine’s seatbelt fines.

Colorado Becomes First State To Legalize Crystal Meth

Posted on July 12, 2014 by JP

DENVER, Colorado –

Colorado has been in the news all year for being the first state to legalize marijuana for recreational use, and it looks as though the state is at it again, but this time with a different, and slightly more controversial, drug. The Colorado state legislature has decided to legalize the street drug crystal meth.

Crystal meth is a highly addictive drug that send millions to rehab or to their deaths each year. Meth has been around for years, but became extremely popular after the Showtime TV series Breaking Bad hit the air. While producers only cared about the show brining in huge ratings, everyone ignored the fact that it was also brining in thousands and thousands of new users to the drug. Local venders have been selling the drug for medical purposes in Colorado for a few days, and claim that it has plenty of medical benefits when used the right way.

“If you are a lazy natured person, meth can give you that boost coffee can’t and you can get a lot done.” Said a local meth vender who wished to remain anonymous.

With the drug becoming legal in Colorado, some would ask how this may effect the sales of marijuana. Pot venders appear to be upset, while their customers couldn’t be happier about the move that the state made.

“Finally! I mean it was cool to smoke weed in the middle of the streets for about a week, but everyone knows weed is just a gateway, and I really needed them to legalize a better drug that will get me really high.” Said Boulder resident Mike Sherman.

It is unclear if this bill will stay in place for long, as opposing parties are already trying to tear it down. Politicians behind it are claiming it is simply a supply-and-demand issue.

“If they want people to not buy drugs legally, then for crying out loud they should shut down every Starbucks in the United States.” Said Colorado representative John Spector (D). “Marijuana, meth – what’s the difference? The revenue the state is bringing in, it’s astronomical. Health is one thing, but we’re talking about money here.”