Woman Creates Indiegogo Page To Raise Money For Abortion

Posted on October 11, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

SACRAMENTO, California –

A 26-year-old Sacramento woman has turned to social media and crowd funding to cover the costs for what she says is a ‘medical emergency.’

“I really, really need an abortion,” says Kimberly Johnson on her Indiegogo page. “It’s going to cost about $700 at the clinic, and I don’t have a cent to my name. I don’t know which guy to go after to help pay for the processes, so anything you can donate would really help me out. Please share or donate today.”

The Indiegogo page was started by Johnson last week, and has so far raised only $2 dollars.

“I don’t know if people just don’t want to help, or if they’re not happy with my rewards options,” said Johnson when reached for comment. “I don’t have anything to give. If they donate $5 they get a personal ‘thank you’ through my Twitter. If they donate $100, they will actually get a piece of the fetus that they suck outta me. It’s really the only thing I’ve got to give, you know?”

According to Indiegogo policies, anyone can use their site for anything that want to raise money for, but a person will only get the money if they reach their goal. Johnson’s goal is $1,000.

“I know that the goal is actually a little more than the abortion is going to cost, but I figured while I’m at it, I could really use a new TV. The one I have now broke when my drunk ex threw a Wii-mote at it, and when you’re unemployed and living rent-free in the basement of your friend’s house, TV is really the only thing to keep you happy.”

Johnson’s Indiegogo funding ends on November 13th, which is only 2 days before she’d be too far along to end her pregnancy according to California law. “It’s down to the wire, but I could always just skip over to Nevada if need be. They have more lenient laws about abortions. I’ve had 4 or 5 there already.”

Drug Epidemic Hits Harder As ‘Diet Heroin’ Makes Its Way To Streets In U.S.

Posted on October 9, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

AUGUSTA, Maine –

You wouldn’t expect a place like quiet, rural Maine to be at the epicenter of a nationwide drug epidemic, but the capital city, Augusta, is experiencing a massive influx in O.D.s and hospitalizations as a new street drug, ‘diet heroin’ has hit the streets and become popular with the youth.

Diet heroin is almost identical in nature to regular heroin, an opiate, except that diet heroin will help to keep those pesky, drug-fueled pounds from forming around your mid-section.

“Frankly, I was scared to heroin, mostly because I didn’t want to get fat,” said Jennifer August, of Bangor, Maine. “My friends all started doing diet heroin, though, and none of them gained any weight. In fact, most lost a ton. Now I can party-hardy on the weekends, but not get fat, either. I’m pretty stoked.”

As popular films over the years, such as the sleeper film Trainspotting, glorified heroin use, teens across the country began using it in record numbers. Lately, as more and more doctors become flippant about their prescriptions, many adults also became hooked on heroin, after being prescribed pain killers such as Oxycontin. When those prescriptions would run out, the users turned to heroin – which is much cheaper and easier to obtain than Oxy on the streets.

“I was paying $20 a pill for Oxys, so basically I was having to sell my mouth to make the pain go away,” said Joe Goldsmith. “I switched to heroin when I realized how much cheaper it was. That worked, but I was kinda fat. Now I go with diet heroin. It’s a little pricer, but still, I don’t look so bloated. It’s great! I’m still in tons of pain and I’m throwing up a lot. I’ve been in the hospital 5 or 6 times, but hell. You have to do what you have to do to not feel the pain while keeping the weight off.”

Johnson & Johnson Plans To Raise Price of Tylenol To $500 Per Pill

Posted on September 27, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

DELUTH, Mississippi –

After hedge-fund magnate Martin Shkreli announced that he would be raising the prices of Daraprim, a drug used to fight AIDS, from $13.50 to $750 per pill, several other companies decided to follow suit by drastically raising prices, including Johnson & Johnson, the trademark owners for the drug Tylenol.

“Frankly, a lot more people get headaches than have AIDS in this country,” said Johnson & Johnson spokesman Larry Myers. “If [Shkreli] is going to raise his prices on such a niche drug, and people will still have to buy it, then Tylenol is in an even better position to raise prices, as many, many more people use Tylenol on a regular basis than would ever use Daraprim.”

Myers says that the average cost of an individual Tylenol pill previously was about 17 cents, or about $8.99 for a bottle of 50 Tylenol pills. Tylenol PM, which is their number-one selling version of Tylenol, sold for about 27 cents previously, or about $13.99 for a bottle of 50.

“Tylenol PM, which many people in North America rely on to sleep easily at night, and wake up pain-free, will also be dramatically increased as well,” said Myers. “We expect to fetch around $800 per pill for the PM version of our flagship drug.”

Myers says that the price increase will not happen overnight, but that consumers should expect to see prices rising slowly over the next several months.

“If Shkreli can do it with Daraprim, then we can do it, too,” said Myers. “I sincerely hope that other drug companies realize that they should not be giving away their product so cheaply, and follow suit by bending customers over, and painfully raping them hard, right in their wallets. If only that monetary rape was a pain they needed Tylenol to get rid of, too.”

New Male Pregnancy Test Can Inform Men If Woman They Slept With Is Pregnant

Posted on August 31, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

MARIETTA, Georgia –

A new test by the makers of the First Response pregnancy test, which promises women that they can find out “6 days sooner” than other leading pregnancy tests, has just launched their new product line, the Male-Response Pregnancy Test, which can actually tell a man if the woman he slept with has gotten pregnant.

“Our new line of tests is the most advanced in the world,” said company spokeswoman Jeanne Curtis. “Normally, a pregnancy test can only tell a woman if she is pregnant within a day or two of a missed period. We know that’s not good enough for the guy who likes to raw-dog it with a one-night stand. So we invented a new test for men. The man just has to urinate onto the stick first thing in the morning following sexual intercourse, and the test will let him know if he did, indeed, ruin his life the previous night.”

According to lab technicians, the new test works in a unique way. They claim that a man who has sex with a woman who he has gotten pregnant picks up some of her hormones through his penis, and they are stored in his urethra. During his morning bathroom stop, those hormones are released onto the stick, and he can tell – probably even before the woman – if she has gotten pregnant.

“When a woman pees on our stick, it has to be a few days after a missed period to actually be accurate,” said Curtis. “Not the case with the Male-Response stick. These new tests will tell a man within 24-hours if he has impregnated a woman, giving him ample time to flee the country, change his name, and disappear.”

The new product is set to launch nationwide in October. No word from the developers if multiple tests would be needed for orgies or swinging parties. In the meantime, men are urged to wear a condom when having sex, or at least pull out and aim for her face.

New DEA Leader Chuck Rosenberg Says Weed ‘Not As Dangerous As Heroin,’ Other Things That Are Also Stupid And Obvious

Posted on July 30, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Recently appointed DEA leader Chuck Rosenberg says that he won’t admit that marijuana isn’t harmful, because for some reason he “thinks it is,” but did go on record as saying that he believes it’s “probably not as dangerous as heroin.”

In his long list of things that Rosenberg presented before congress, he also mentioned that the sky is generally blue, and that bacon is delicious.

“Sex feels absolutely amazing, and a water keeps you hydrated,” said Rosenberg, presumably. “Also, the North Pole is very cold, and the number 10 follows the number 9. Cheese is made of milk, and chickens lay eggs.”

In a recent study conducted on people who smoke marijuana, 100% of the participants said they found it to be “good,” and most admitted that it was “not harmful.” Several of the people researched happened to have medical degrees and backgrounds in the study on the effects of THC on the human body. Everyone questioned seemed to think that Rosenberg may not be qualified to speak about drugs.

“Has he smoked weed? Has he tried any other drugs?” asked habitual pot smoker Bob Smith. “I mean, he can’t really go on record and talk about drugs if he hasn’t tried them, can he? I’ve never tried skydiving, so I don’t pretend to be an expert on it. I’ll start taking advice from Rosenberg on the day he comes and smokes a giant blunt with me. Then he can go before congress and tell them exactly how harmful weed really is…or isn’t.”

France Bans Skinny Dog Models in All TV, Print Ads

Posted on July 25, 2015 by Josh Marcus

PARIS, France –

Following a ban on fashion models who are considered “too skinny”, France has continued to lead the way in body acceptance by announcing a ban on skinny dog food models. It is yet another attempt to convince dogs that skinny is not always better, and alert them of the dangers of being too thin. The SPCA have commended the French parliament, and asserted their belief that measures such as these will help to curb the spate of dog anorexia.

“Far too often we have dogs sent to us malnourished,” said chairman of the French SPCA, Victor Houliston. “And so many more come to us with diseases related to food deprivation. It’s time to stop this from happening, and banning skinny models is a great start.”

But dog modelling agencies, who face fines of up to $75 000 or 6 months jail time if they do not comply, have hit back, saying that this will further alienate skinny dogs, rather than helping them.

“At the moment, people are biased against fat dogs, but soon it will be the skinny ones who are without homes,” said Albert Camus, founder of The Dog Agency. “You’ll walk through those corridors at the homes for neglected dogs, and see puppies with barely anything more than skin and bones, and no one will want to take them. It’s totally counterproductive and bound to fail.”

Houliston responded that Camus’s rationale is manipulative, and that it “just doesn’t work that way.”

“Camus is admitting that there is a problem – that this is just not the way to solve it. But that works against him, because his agency is taking advantage of that problem. That is all we are trying to change. Anorexia is spreading like wildfire, and we are already seeing skinny dogs being kicked out of their homes. Our policy is not what is causing that.”

At press time, the French parliament had approved an amendment to the law, which will ensure that all skinny dogs out of employment will be compensated and supported until they can find new work.

Scientists Prove Plants, Flowers Capable of Feeling Severe Pain

Posted on July 19, 2015 by Abe Abrams

CAMBRIDGE, Massachusetts –

In a letter to the Academy of Science, MIT scientist have proven beyond a shadow of doubt, that plants feel pain. This study will have far reaching consequences and will clearly change the way we view our world.

”What started as a classroom project for undergraduates turned into a 6 year study with over 100 experiments conducted and 7 patents on new testing equipment,” said MIT scientist Phillip Peters. “It’s a little unnerving when you are able to hear the sound of grass crying out in pain after a fresh cut. Tests prove that the pain a strawberry bush feels when a berry is picked is equal to that of a human woman miscarrying. It’s brutal.”

“This study has proven to be life changing for my students and myself,” said Dr. Jose Fresco. “Of the 10 students, now graduates from the program, that worked on the study from the start, 3 have killed themselves and 6 have become shut-ins. The 10th is missing, and is reportedly traveling through the recesses of Asia on a drug-fueled quest to find God. This discovery has ruined lives, and we were hesitant to release this information…but all those vegetarians out there need to know the true pain they’re causing.”

A sad result of the released study is that hardcore vegans all over the world are slowly starving to death. “Being a vegan is not a diet, it’s a way of life, and I will not eat or wear any animal products or eat anything that feels pain,” said Sally Myers, a self-righteous twat we talked to about her stupid way of life. “I’ve been reduced to only drinking water, but at least I will die with a clear conscience.”

State Of Florida Passes Law Which Makes Nudity Legal At All Public Beaches

Posted on July 14, 2015 by Raoul Stockton

TALLAHASSEE, Florida-

The state of Florida has made a bold change to its laws concerning nudity at public beaches, and this one might ruffle some feathers. Beginning August 1st, full nudity will be legal at all public beaches – as long as you obtain a Florida State Nudity License (FSNL).

Governor Rick Scott approved the bill passed by the state legislature making public nudity at state-owned beaches legal, and he encourages tourists and residents to make use of new law. “Today is a great day. Not only will it be legal to hang out at the beach totally nude, but we encourage you do to so,” Governor Scott said. “As long as you are a fairly attractive person, nobody is going to complain.”

One part of the new law, which may be infuriating to some, is the weight limits for those who may strip down completely. “If you are overweight by more than twenty pounds, you will not be given a license. You will be politely asked to go on a diet and come back at a later date to try again. It really is not that complicated.” Scott said. “We want everyone to enjoy this. Obtaining a license will not be hard for those who meet all of our standards, and it will be a quick and easy process. Residents and guests in the state may visit any of our town halls, where we will have employees trained to record the weight of those wishing to go nude. You will also be asked to submit a picture of your face and genitals. If you’re not too ugly or fat, then they will issue you a license for a fee of only $10, which will be good for 1 year.”

Residents in several communities have said that they are really torn on the subject.

“On one hand, everyone likes to freeball it once in a while,” said Miami resident Jacob Miller, 58. “On the other hand, my wrinkly penis probably won’t pass the inspection, so I more than likely can’t get a license issued anyway. Thankfully, I live right on the beach, so even if I can’t be nude, I can enjoy all the fine young ladies who will be walking around, muffs exposed.”

Research Shows That Over Grown Mustaches Cause Face Tumors

Posted on July 5, 2015 by JP

NEW YORK CITY, New York –

If you happen to be a person with a lengthy stash, you may want to due some trimming. Doctors have conducted a research study on the effects of growing a long or bushy mustache, and the results may come as a surprise.

According to their research, men with over grown mustaches have a better chance to develop a face tumor in their lifetime due to their facial hair. The study revealed that while facial hair is, of course, natural, letting your facial hair grow long on your upper lip can end up clogging important pores in your face. This can lead to blood clots, ingrown hairs, and eventual face tumors.

Doctors claim that it is uncommon for hair to grow that long on ones face and are comparing it to a ingrown nail. By letting a ingrown nail continue to grow you can cause nerve damage along with other serious effects. They are stating by letting one area of your facial hair overgrow like this, the symptoms are the same but with more serious consequences.

It has also been concluded that if one was to grow out their eyebrows the same results could follow. While your facial hair doesn’t weigh that much, the pressure from long and dense hair on the face can be enough to cause serious damage.

Researchers say that they are hoping that this long mustache phase will fizzle out soon, or they say several cities throughout the country, such as Portland, Oregon, could face a face tumor epidemic.

Kotex And Google To Release New ‘Hands-Free’ Tampon

Posted on July 3, 2015 by DvanL

IRVING, Texas –

Kimberly-Clark, owner of the Kotex brand of feminine hygiene products, has teamed with the Google Corporation in developing the world’s first wirelessly controlled, hands-free tampon.

Marketed under the brand name “No Strings,” the tampon works in conjunction with an Android app that controls insertion and ejection when a numerical code is entered into a smartphone.

“It’s leading-edge technology,” says Florence Duval, marketing director for Kimberly-Clark. “During Word War I, nurses on the battlefield used Kimberly-Clark’s cotton wadding in many innovative ways, and today, we’re once again revolutionizing the industry.”

How does it work?

“When it’s that time of the month,” explained Duval, “the user places one of our individually packaged, disposable applicators between the knees. Each single-use applicator is imprinted with a 4-digit activation code. When the code is entered into your smartphone’s keypad, a spring-loaded apparatus safely inserts the tampon. Spit-spot! It’s as easy as that!”

When the time comes for removal, simply re-enter the code, followed by the ‘star’ key (*). An innovative new fiber optic microchip woven deep within the tampon responds to the signal and activates release.

“No muss, no fuss!” says Duval. It’s easy, convenient, and designed for today’s on-the-go women who take advantage of every minute of every day – every day of the month!”

“And it’s completely safe,” adds Duval. “My young niece tried it out and she told me “Aunt Flo, I love it! It keeps my hands free for all my texting, chatting, and tweeting. I like having my own code number – it’s neat. It makes me feel all grown up inside.”

What happens if my activation code gets lost?

“In case you forget or misplace the code, simply call 1-268-866-7669 (1-COT-TON-PONY), and press the “pound” key (#). Our command center will recognize your device, and an audible tone will be generated. When the phone is placed near the feminine region, the product is ejected.”

What about security? Can my tampon be hacked? Should I worry about viruses?

“Our quality control process guarantees the security and integrity of your tampon through the use of an advanced firewall. No unauthorized person can break through.”

What if I get stuck in the rain? Is there a risk of an electrical shock? Can I swim with it?

“The microchip fibers are sealed and insulated, so you’re protected against bodily injury or harm. You can swim, practice gymnastics, or even go horseback riding.”

Kimberly-Clark is proud to spearhead this new initiative,” says Duval, “This is just one more way we’re proud to say, ‘Live Your Life With No Strings Attached!”

“More and more women are putting their business in our hands,” says Duval. “Not so long ago, when it came to the subject of feminine hygiene, women remained tight-lipped. Today, we’re much more open between the legs. Sales figures for our first quarter are encouraging, and this is just the beginning! There’s nowhere to go but up!”