USDA Approves Commercial Sale Of Breast Milk At Grocery Stores

Posted on December 26, 2014 by Raoul Stockton

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

There is a growing trend among health advocates and nutritional experts across the entire world, and it’s something that most people stopped drinking in infancy – human breast milk.

Until earlier this morning it has been illegal to sell or bottle breast milk for consumption, outside of normal use of mothers feeding their babies. After extensive research and testing by the USDA, the United States government has decided to give human breast milk a full license to be sold commercially in grocery stores.

John Williamson, USDA President of Public Relations and Nutritional Awareness, announced in a statement issued to multiple media outlets that all United States grocery stores will be permitted to sell human breast milk which has passed USDA requirements. “There is a growing fad throughout the nation, and indeed the world, of adults drinking human breast milk fresh from the source,” Williamson said in the statement. “We have now taken steps to insure that adults can get those same nutritional values without having to suckle the teat directly, as breast milk will be bottled and sold at retail.”

Despite the legalities of breast milk consumption and sales up to this point, the product has become synonymous with fitness advocates and body builders, who have long been purchasing the milk through black market trade.

“It is time for the United States to cash in, and sanction the overall availability of healthy, fresh, bottled human breast milk for children and adults. It is a great source of nutrition which has never before been available, and it is due time for Americans to get healthy, while beefing up our pocketbooks.” Williamson added.

In several countries it has become popular for adults to hire ‘wet nurses’ who feed the consumer directly, but Williamson states that this method is very irresponsible and the female producers of the milk need to undergo thoroughly extensive testing on a weekly basis for guaranteed safety.

“We strongly discourage adults, who are not the children of the milk provider, from feeding directly from the breasts of various women. It is not safe, and could spread disease,” said Williamson. “However, many of the top dairy providers of the U.S. have begun to take applications for breast-feeding women to begin testing on their product, a very good way for American women to make a little extra cash while helping our economy. Everybody wins!”

USDA officials say Americans can expect to see human breast milk for sale in grocery stores all across the nation within the coming months.

Experts Predict Major Bed Bug Infestation In The U.S. Will Kill Thousands In 2015

Posted on December 22, 2014 by Raoul Stockton

FORT COLLINS, Colorado –

Cimex lectularius, commonly known as the Bed Bug here In the United States, is a parasitic insect which feeds primarily on human blood, and has become infamous for its infestations within the past decade. Dr. DeMarcus Johnson, head of Insect Sciences at Colorado State University says, though, that these last ten years were ‘the easy part.’

“The good ol’ days are clearly behind us,” Dr. Johnson said. “Sometime after spring and heading into Summertime, we will begin to see massive Bed Bug infestations, so drastic that we predict large quantities will feed on humans and cause significant loss of life.”

“I do not take any comfort in alarming the good people of this beautiful country, but this is by-far more of a probability rather than a possibility. To put into perspective, just imagine getting stung by hundreds of bees at the same time while asleep at night. If that happened to millions of Americans every night, thousands of those people would die on a weekly basis. These little suckers are sneaky and do not sting like a bee does, they just gradually suck the blood right out of you without even waking you up.” Dr. Johnson stated.

Bed Bugs have increasingly become more of a problem in the United States every year. The pests build massive nests inside mattresses, and when a human being lies on the mattress they sense the person’s body heat, at which point they go into feeding mode by sucking blood out of the human body, much like a tick or a leech. When silently attacked by thousands of the insects during sleep, they can literally suck you dry. The also carry a vast array of deadly diseases.

“We are doing everything we can to warn American citizens of this awful soon-to-be plague, but unfortunately, there just isn’t much else to do but make sure your home is clear of them now. Buy new mattresses, couches, chairs, and any other ‘soft’ furniture you may have in your home. Burn the ones that exist now. Replace old carpets with new, or use strictly hardwood flooring. Do not wait until spring or summer, by then, I regret to say, it will be much too late. Vampires are real, and they exist in the form of the Bed Bug.”

Man With Disorder Has Hundreds Of Orgasms A Day; Says ‘Life is Amazing’

Posted on December 21, 2014 by Abe Abrams

BOSTON, Massachusetts –

Scott Smith of Boston, Massachusetts, considers himself the luckiest man alive. For the last several years, Smith has suffered from Persistent Genital Arousal Syndrome, or PGAS. Five years ago, Mr. Smith injured his groin muscles while lifting and mounting a big screen TV to the wall. On his way to the hospital, he says that he ejaculated ‘5 or 6 times,’ and the orgasms have not stopped since.

“Life is amazing, just amazing,” said the 32-year-old. ”My girlfriend left me because I couldn’t last more than a minute or two. I lost my job because I kept ejaculating all over the place every few minutes. But you know, what? Who cares?! I’m orgasming hundreds of times a day, and it feels Goddamned amazing!”

Smith says that the orgasms can happen at any time, day or night, with little to no triggers.

“I never know what’s going to set it off. I like to go to the park and watch the joggers, or sometimes the mall, or even the subway – any where chicks hang out. When I orgasm, I’ll shout out ‘this one’s for you, baby!’ I can’t control it, so naturally I try to avoid playgrounds and elementary schools. Just because I cum hundreds of times a day doesn’t mean I’m a creep.”

Despite the amazing feeling that Smith receives literally hundreds of times a day, he says that PGAS does have its downsides.

“I started wearing diapers at night so I don’t ruin my sheets, and during the day I wear condoms or else I’ll go through tons of underwear. I used to just let them crust up, but that’s embarrassing when you have to do your laundry at the laundromat. I just change out the rubber when it gets full, but all things consider [PGAS] is like a gift from God that just keeps cumming and cumming.”

Smith says he is using internet dating sites to find a woman who has similar symptoms.

“PGAS is even more rare in women,” said Smith. “But if I can find a girl who cums as much as I do, we’ll be a match made in heaven!”

Boxer Muhammad Ali, 72, Loses A Fight With Pneumonia

Posted on December 21, 2014 by Bob The Empire News Potato

PARADISE VALLEY, Arizona –

World-famous champion boxer Muhammad Ali has reportedly been dealt a knockout blow by a case of Pneumonia. The former heavyweight, 72, was taken to an undisclosed hospital after private doctors in his home where unable to properly treat him for the fluid in his lungs.

“Ali is a hell of a fighter. One day he was floating around like a butterfly, and the next, it was stinging when he’d breathe,” said Ali’s doctor Charles DeMar. “We tried the normal care of a severe flu and pneumonia, rest and antibiotics, but we just couldn’t take care of him well enough in his home. He’s a tough old bastard, though. Hell, instead of being driven in an ambulance, he actually walked the 8 miles to the hospital.”

Doctors say that Ali’s case of pneumonia was caught very early, and that he should be fine in just a couple of days.

“Pneumonia was kicking his ass, at first, and in all honesty, he did lose that first fight when he ended up in the hospital,” said a family friend. “It KO’d him for sure. But Ali, he can go plenty more rounds, even at his age. He’s going to get back in that ring against his poor health, and he’ll knock that pneumonia right the hell out…of his lungs, that is! Doctors say he should be on his way home in no time. He’s an inspiration to everyone, everywhere.”

Ali, who has suffered from Parkinson’s syndrome since his diagnosis in 1984, retired from boxing in 1979, and had his last official fight in December of 1981.

Teen Dehydrates After Mistakenly Taking Bath With Salts

Posted on December 12, 2014 by DvanL

BURLEY, Idaho –

14-year-old Jeremy Dalton was admitted to the Cassia Regional Medical center in Burley last week suffering from extreme dehydration. What makes this ordinary sounding event extraordinary is the way in which he became dehydrated.

“He wanted to be ‘cool’ like all the kids who were doing bath salts,” said Jeremy’s mother Myra, 32. “He put a bag of rock salt in the tub and then took a bath. I guess he thought that’s what you were supposed to do. I walked in and found him shriveled up and crying.”

Synthetic drugs, including “bath salts,” are an increasingly growing problem, especially in rural areas around the country. “Bath Salts” are actually man-made chemicals similar to amphetamines, and are taken either nasally or orally. They are not connected in any way to regular mineral salts, which are dissolved in bath water and used for relaxation.

Last year, the state of Idaho released a parents’ guide focusing on the abuse of synthetic drugs, published after state and county health officials noticed a spike in bath salt related emergencies and overdoses.

Drug abuse and addiction specialist Dr. Phyllis Bromley remarked, “Every so often, a new drug craze is introduced and word spreads quickly now with social networks. We try to keep one step ahead of the drug peddlers but at this point, we can only hope to keep up with them after a number of young people are hurt, or in some cases, killed.”

“I didn’t see that parents’ guide,” said Myra, “but I did tell him not to copy what the other kids were doing. I blame peer pressure for making him do it. We all did some stupid things when we were kids, like the 2 years I took up smoking to look cool, or the time I had an orgy with that biker gang, but I never did anything like this. Never drugs. The reason why I wanted to get the word out even though my son is only 14, is to let other parents know that it can happen to them, even if they think it won’t.”

When asked if he would experiment with drugs in the future, Jeremy, through parched lips, mumbled “Never again.”

Jeremy shows no signs of permanent damage, and is expected to make a full recovery after a day or two of observation and intravenous rehydration therapy.

Tanning Salon Chain Sued After Putting Cooking Oil in Self-Tanner

Posted on December 8, 2014 by DvanL

MALIBU, California –

More than a dozen people have filed suit against the Shining Sun, Inc. chain of tanning salons after it was revealed that the self-tanner applied to their bodies was actually cooking oil. A labeling error is blamed for the mixup.

Shining Sun uses a combination of lightly tinted self-tanner and natural botanicals rather than a heavy oil-based spray. Usually within 24-48 hours, the tan deepens, depending on the person’s body chemistry.

“A few of the people who felt the spray tan wasn’t working fast also used the salon’s tanning beds,” said Dr. Paul Westerbrook of Malibu Urgent Care Hospital. “A couple came in to our E.R., and they were showing signs of acute sun poisoning. I know this is Malibu, but it’s still a rarity, especially in December. I asked them how long they had been in the tanning beds, and they said about 20 minutes. After a number of other people started coming in and were also showing signs of sun poisoning, we started investigating.”

Dr. Westerbrook first questioned the couple on why they would use the tanning beds and the fake tan spray together. “They told me they were in a wedding party and wanted to look ‘healthy’ for the photographs, and the spray tan they received wasn’t working fast enough. We eventually examined the spray, and determined that it was soybean oil. They literally cooked themselves while laying in the tanning beds.”

“The tan looks great, but I feel like hell,” said Marc Chaleur, lead plaintiff named in the lawsuit. “My wife can’t even talk because her lips are so swollen, but other than that, she said it’s the most even tan she’s ever gotten. At least that’s what I think she said.”

Shining Sun, Inc. spokesperson Autumn Trent released a statement from its corporate headquarters in Malibu.

Due to a third-party vendor error, several batches of our natural tanning solution were mislabeled, resulting in discomfort and injury to a number of our patrons. While we regret this unfortunate circumstance, because the matter has become a legal issue, further statements and updates regarding the matter will be issued by the law firm of Bleedom, Drye & Rhunn.

Plaintiffs Mr. & Mrs. Chaleur hope to make the photo session for the upcoming wedding after a few days’ rest and lots of cool baths. “My wife said she’s determined to look her best at the photo shoot. I mean, at least that’s what I think she said,” added Chaleur.

Man Has Baby Doll Surgically Implanted In His Body

Posted on December 5, 2014 by Abe Abrams

HOUSTON, Texas –

Houston transsexual Mark Miller not only claimed to be a woman trapped in a man’s body, but a pregnant woman trapped in a man’s body. In what many have called a ridiculous and unnecessary surgery, Mr. Miller has had a baby doll surgically implanted in his body.

”Well, believe it or not, this surgery was covered by Obamacare. I don’t get paid to make moral decisions, but as long as I get paid, I’ll do whatever the patient wants,” said Miller’s surgeon, Stephen Smith. “After sterilizing the doll Mr. Miller brought in, the surgery was pretty straight forward. Curiously, he didn’t want the doll implanted inside him, he wanted it more, like…infused into his body. He’s a strange fellow. Regardless, Miller is doing very well, and if he is ever ready for a sex change, I’ll be there for him, because Obamacare covers that, too.”

“For the first time in my life, I feel complete,” said Miller. “I look great, I feel pregnant, and without all that yucky morning sickness. When I put on makeup and a dress and look in the mirror, I finally see my true self. It’s also going to help my sex life; you would be amazed at how many men love a pregnant woman, especially one as hairy as I am. The best part is when you press my belly button, you can hear my baby doll say ‘Ma-Ma.’ I’ve never been happier.”

”You see, this why we have to repeal Obamacare,” said Senator Ted Cruz. “This is sick, and a slap in the face of God. If you want to be proud to be a Texan and an American again, vote for me to be the next President and I’ll repeal Obamacare and ship these homo-Americans to Massachusetts where they belong.”

TV’s Punky Brewster To Auction Her Eggs On eBay

Posted on December 5, 2014 by DvanL

HOLLYWOOD, California –

Soleil Moon Frye, the actress known to millions as 1980s TV moppet Punky Brewster, has decided to sell something very personal on eBay. No, it’s not those miss-matched sneakers from her starring role; The actress, now 37, recently put her eggs up for auction on eBay with a starting bid of $10.

“I was hoping the opening bid would be more than $100, said Frye, “but I understand. I don’t have the eggs of a 20-year-old anymore. If I was a younger actress, like Jennifer Lawrence or Shia La Beouf, I bet I’d be able to get maybe ten or eleven thousand per egg. It’s much like how Hollywood operates,” she added.

Comments left by bidders ranged from the curious to the confused. ebayBetsy100 wrote “I was a big fan of Punky Brewster when I was a kid. If I use one of your eggs, will my baby be abandoned by the father, like Punky was? That would be so unfair to the child, no matter who the father is.”

Probuyer77 wrote: “I hope I win the bid because I want my daughter to be a famous person (or son). Will you be a surroget [sic] mother or will I have to carry the child? I would pay extra if you were the birth mother if I win your egg.”

Several users were actually more surprised with the fact that you could sell your own eggs on eBay than they were that Frye was selling hers. “Wow, I could probably make a fortune selling my eggs,” said eBay user quickcash666. “I mean hell, I get new ones every month anyway. I didn’t know that was allowed on eBay, or is [Soleil] just allowed to because she was famous once three decades ago? Celebrities get all the luck.”

Frye hopes her auction will bring awareness to the problem of infertility. “I’ve always been a trend setter,” she said. “I’ve always been unique. I was the only kid named Soleil in my classes all throughout school. Even if I don’t make a lot of money from this auction, I hope I can bring awareness to people facing reproductive difficulties. I mean, I’ve got three kids, so I know my eggs work just fine, but if just one of my eggs can complete a family, that would be enough reward for me, even though the money would be a bonus.”

Frye may get her wish. After completing this interview with Empire News, the actress was contacted by Michelle Duggar, star of the reality series 19 Kids and Counting. “They offered me a spot on the show,” said an excited Frye. “This will bring the awareness I was talking about and get me back into my acting, so it’s a win-win! They even mentioned a spin-off show called Frye’d Eggs! Their show is very popular and the Duggars said if the auction doesn’t go as well as I hope it will, they will buy my eggs directly! I guess the only thing we didn’t discuss was if I’m going to be, like, the 20th kid and counting or not.”

The high bid for Frye’s eggs was $477.01 at the time of this story’s posting.

Man Plans Lawsuit Against Hooters, Claims Unequal Hiring and Employment Practices

Posted on November 28, 2014 by DvanL

MELROSE, Massachusetts –

George Emerson suffers from gynecomastia, a condition marked by the swelling of breast tissue in males. Thousands develop the condition, usually during puberty and as a result of hormonal imbalances. Many men opt for surgery to remove the excess tissue, but unlike other men diagnosed with the ailment, Emerson instead decided to keep his breasts and capitalize on them.

“I don’t want any invasive surgery,” he said, “and I was tired of hiding and binding my chest. One day I decided to put down the ace bandage, and slip into a loose-fitting shirt. I felt free for the first time in my life.”

Emerson’s new freedom gave him a sense of confidence he had never before possessed. One day, while driving through the nearby town of Saugus, Emerson decided to test the limits of his empowerment. He marched into the local Hooters and asked if they’d consider hiring him as part of the wait staff. “I met the physical requirements of the job and I guess I was feeling a little bit daring,” he said. “Plus, I have years of server experience from back in high school and college.”

Emerson’s measurements were the equivalent of a women’s 34C. “They thought I was trying to prank them – like I was wearing a padded bra or something, so then I took off my shirt and ‘boom boom,’ there I was, or there they were I guess. That’s when they called the manager.”

Dick Rodman, manager of the Hooters, spoke with Emerson and explained that it wasn’t part of the corporate business model to hire males, as the trademark for Hooters is built right in with their name and logo, and is pretty self-explanatory.

“I said for them not to consider me was a form of discrimination, and a violation of equal hiring practices. The manager wasn’t convinced,” said Emerson. “He told me he didn’t want his restaurant to turn into some kind of freak show attraction, and that’s when I decided to hire a lawyer.”

Nancy Grace has booked Emerson for an upcoming appearance on HLN Network, and celebrity lawyer Gloria Allred has been contacted by Emerson for possible legal representation.

“This isn’t about me,” said Emerson. “It’s about the thousands of men who suffer with the stigma of gynecomastia. We’ve had to hide our shame under tight, restrictive garments and bulky layers of clothing. Instead of standing tall, we’ve lived in our own shadows of embarrassment. If I can convince just one full-figured guy to stand tall, chin held high and chest thrust forward, then my double-barreled efforts will not be in vain.”

Emerson’s case will begin mid-December, and he has decided to represent himself in court. Legal experts say that an out-of-court settlement amenable to both parties will most likely be reached.

Woman Gives Birth During Black Friday Sale; Leaves Baby, Buys Big Screen TV

Posted on November 28, 2014 by DvanL

MILWAUKEE, Wisconsin –

A Milwaukee woman is making headlines across the country this morning as it is being reported that phone-center supervisor Tiffany Briggs, 19, gave birth at her local Wal-Mart during the Black Friday midnight sale, and the left her baby in a bathroom sink.

Briggs was on break from her overnight shift at the nearby call center, and stopped by the Wal-Mart supercenter to get a new 50″ TV that was rolled-back to the low, low price of $218. Briggs said that she was racing through the store to beat the other customers to the deal, when she felt a sudden pain in her lower back. The next events were straight out of an episode of the TLC Series I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant.

“I didn’t know I was pregnant,” said Briggs. “I went up to the cash lanes with my TV and got this massive pain down in my vajayjay area, and asked my friend Tyler, who works at the store, to watch my TV so I could use the bathroom, ’cause it was an emergency. I knew if I just left the TV, some asshole would come and snatch the cart right away, ’cause there weren’t that many available. Anyway, I ran through the crowd and when I got to the stall, the next thing I knew a little tiny baby girl popped right out and I was all ‘Wait, what?!’ I didn’t feel any pain after the first part, but damn it was a mess down there.”

After cleaning up, Briggs texted her best friend Mallory and told her what happened. “I didn’t know what to do and I was so scared so she [Mallory] Googled what to do when you have a baby without no doctor. She told me what the internet said, and I tied the cord with one of my hair extensions and washed her up in the sink with some antibacterial soap and paper towels.”

Mallory first suggested that Briggs call child protective services and report a ‘lost-and-found’ baby. “I definitely can’t afford a baby and I knew my mom would probably kick me out of the house if she found out, but then Mallory said she would call an ambulance and told me get out of there real quick and pretend nothing happened.”

Tiffany went back to the front lanes, paid for her TV and left, just as an ambulance arrived. 15 minutes later, police showed up at her workplace and placed Tiffany under arrest, charging her with child abandonment and neglect.

“It’s not my fault,” said Tiffany during an interview from Milwaukee County Jail. “I didn’t know I was pregnant and how could they prove if the baby was mine anyway? You have to get some DNA to prove it, and I didn’t even have any.”

Briggs faces up to 5 years in jail. The newborn has been taken in by CPS.