County Fair Sheep Tests Positive For Anthrax

Posted on September 1, 2014 by DvanL

KANKAKEE, Illinois –

Below the soft, puffy, huggable exterior of Wooly Bully, the prize winning sheep at this year’s Kankakee, Illinois county fair, lurked a dangerous and life threatening agent of death.

Raised by Ricky Henderson as a 4-H project, the former lamb was a kind and gentle playmate, not only for 11-year-old Ricky, but also for his younger brother, 8-year-old Todd. If they survive, it is the hospital staff’s sad duty to inform them that they are now orphans. The youngster’s parents succumbed to the deadly anthrax bacterium days ago.

Both boys now cling to life, placed in a medically induced coma and isolated far away in the Acute Care and Infectious Disease Wing of Riverside Medical Group, located not far from the gently flowing Kankanee River.

“Oh, it’s definitely anthrax poisoning,” said Dr. Harriet Durville, infectious disease specialist. “Let’s not forget this is essentially a bacterial disease transmitted by animals. Filthy, disgusting, smelly animals that humans choose to come into contact with. ‘Dogs are pets, not sheep,’ I tell all my patients.”

Word travels quickly in this closely-knit, northern Illinois city of roughly 27,000. “It’s just so sad,” said Milly Jacobsen, bank teller. “We all watched Ricky raise that sheep from when it was born, and now, … if I had only known, I would have slit its throat during the night a long time ago and no one would have been the wiser! Such a shame,” she added.

Hundred of fairgoers have streamed into nearby clinics, complaining of symptoms of anthrax infection: fever, chills, blisters, nausea and vomiting, head and body aches being the most common ailments. “Most of the cases are just psychosomatic,” said Dr. Durville. “People are just panicked. After they hear that a simple antibiotic shot or 3 days of pills can clear up any complications, they relax about it.”

Naturally occurring animal-to-human anthrax disease rarely infects mass numbers of victims, whereas the deliberate malicious release of the bacterium for terroristic purposes can infect many at one time. “There’s a fear factor involved,” said Durville. “The bio-terrorists have really put a bad name on anthrax,” she added.

“Remember when people were afraid to open their mail? That’s going to start all over again, ‘til the next big scare comes along, probably,” Dr. Durville added.

So far, the spread of the disease seems to be held in check. The National Center For Disease Control has reportedly been notified by the hospital, but doctors were informed that until the number of confirmed cases gets above 100, the CDC will not step in.

“When we take those boys out of the medically induced coma we put them in and if they make it through, it’s going to be a sad day around here. I may just take that day off,” said Durville.

Death Row Inmate’s Request Granted For ‘Progressive Dinner’ Last Meal

Posted on September 1, 2014 by DvanL

PUTNAM COUNTY, Florida –

Florida Governor Rick Scott quietly approved death row inmate Del Berkley’s wish to attend a progressive dinner as per his last meal request.

Berkley, convicted of homicide and armed robbery in 2008, made the request earlier this month to reportedly “spice things up” from his usual drab prison meal routine before his scheduled execution.

The progressive dinner was held last week in a neighborhood not far from the Putnam County Sheriff’s Office House of Corrections. A review of the meal, written by Berkley, was published in the prison’s newsletter under the column “Bars and Spoons.”

“Overall it was good,” wrote Berkley. We started with a light course of appetizers at the “X” family’s neat suburban home. Nice big windows. Easy access. No guard dog.”

To be honest,” Berkley wrote, “this first course of mini entrées kind of suffered — I couldn’t choke down that tiny puffed tuna casserole. ‘And you thought my stare was cold and icy!’ I said to the hostess. ‘I’m never coming back here again!’ On the upside, I was allowed a glass of wine, which sure beats the crap out of the stuff I usually make in my toilet, that’s for damn sure! I really appreciated that.”

After a head count, the meal progressed to destination number two.

The “Y” family decided to make me feel ‘at home,’ so they went with a prison-themed dinner for the main course,” wrote Berkley. “They wore striped shirts and had these little plastic chains around their ankles which ticked me off a little at first, but I took it all in stride. After all, I didn’t want to come off as some kind of death row ingrate,” he said.

“The tin cups were funny and I gotta admit, the Y’s were very original with the dishes. We started with a towering Big House salad, then we had the Pork Shank Redemption, and to finish me off, I enjoyed a cup of Midnight Espresso. To call this meal a guilty pleasure would only be a half-truth,” he added.

The next part of the meal was the dessert course. “I wondered if I could force it all down after all that food! I was so full, I thought I was gonna die! Talk about ‘dead man walking’ – I practically had to be carried out to the van! After thanking my hosts, I was transported to my final destination.”

Unbelievably, the dessert was ‘Death By Chocolate Cake.’ “It was a complete coincidence,” said Berkley. “Mrs. ‘Z’ told me that she had planned her menu far in advance of my visit to her ADT Alarm protected ranch style home with the sliding glass doors adjacent to the attached garage which leads to the laundry room,” he said.

After the meal, when Berkley was transported back to the correctional facility, more good news awaited him. Due to the national shortage of lethal chemicals used in the humane execution process, his scheduled execution was indefinitely delayed.

“Is this an execution or a hunger strike?” asked Stefanie Fales, heartbroken widow of Martin Fales, Berkley’s homicide victim. “I’m calling my Congressman and the Governor!” she said.

“I can’t believe it,” said Berkley upon hearing the news. “I’m sitting here full as a tick, happy as a clam. True, it’s going to be an awful comedown once that plastic tray comes sliding through that slot tomorrow morning with those powdered eggs, but, … you can’t have everything!”

Record Holder of World’s Largest Penis Wins Three-Legged Race At County Fair

Posted on September 1, 2014 by DvanL

NEW YORK CITY, New York –

Jonah Falcon, owner of the largest documented penis in the world, has generated dozens of headlines since the native New Yorker was featured in the 1999 HBO documentary, Private Dicks: Men Exposed.

“The publicity is like a double-edged sword,” said Falcon, speaking from his Brooklyn home. “I try to have as normal a life as possible, but once I decided to expose myself it’s not like I can wave a wand and make it magically go away.”

The latest headline attached to Falcon took place earlier this summer at the Putnam County Fair in Carmel, New York. “I try and go there ever year. I love fairs. All the food – all the events – I’ve been known to overdose on hotdogs, and I’m the first one to put my John Hancock on the sign up sheet for every event I can get my hands on.”

One of those fair events was the “three-legged race.”

The familiar competition involves two people, one leg from each team member tied together, racing to try and be the first to finish.

“Almost every county fair has one out here. Gobs of people signed up. You put a donation in a charity basket, so it’s really very popular and helps out the firemen’s fund. So, all these teams line up and people without a partner start to pair off,” explained Falcon. “I happened to come alone, so I didn’t have a partner.”

With the race about to start, Falcon found himself standing off to the left.

“Maybe some people recognized me, maybe they were a little afraid of having me for partner, I’m not sure. All I do know is, I was left hanging. I could have just forgotten about it, but I decided I wasn’t going to let the ball drop.”

Critics believe that Falcon engineered this story as a cheap grab for publicity, but he disagrees. “That’s a lot of baloney,” Falcon says. “I went up to the master of ceremonies and complained. He said the three-legged race logically has to involve two people, but I thought it was unfair that I couldn’t participate, especially since I had something in the basket. He didn’t want to hold things up, so he said I could run the race solo. We decided to tie both my legs together so I wouldn’t have a leg up on the other participants.”

There were some grumblings from a few contestants. “Yeah, one of the guys who runs a smoothie stand, this bald-headed yogurt slinger kept spouting off with these snide remarks – but I just turned my head the other way and ignored him. I took the ‘I am rubber, you are glue’ attitude and let it slide, like water off a duck’s back.”

As it turned out, Falcon won the race. “Everyone was really good about it and I gave the trophy to the couple who came in behind me. Even the yogurt guy shook my hand. ‘No big thing,’ I told him.”

“All in all, it was a great day,” said Falcon. “That’s the whole point of a fair – to have fun. I could have spent the rest of the day being Mr. Sad Sack about the whole thing, but instead I walked away being Mr. Happy!”

Curious onlookers had to know more, and they asked the obvious question – exactly how big is Falcon, anyway?

“I tend to not talk numbers in public,” Falcon said, with a wink. “But those people my age and older, they remember the adult film star John Holmes. Well, it’s like that. Only bigger.”

Grocery Store Produce Manager Purposely Bruises Fruits, Vegetables To Get Discount

Posted on August 22, 2014 by DvanL

NAPERVILLE, Illinois –

Security cameras positioned throughout the aisles of a local Jewel-Osco supermarket recently recorded shocking and disturbing acts of abuse.

This kind of news would prove devastating for any business, especially if that business was located in a city ranked by Money Magazine as one of the top 5 places to live in the U.S. — a reputation Naperville, IL proudly boasts.

Although the victims were defenseless, no one is rushing to notify the authorities. The only government officials who might express concern would be employees of the U.S. Department of Agriculture. The vulnerable targets here were pinched fruits and bruised vegetables — some scarred for life. Shelf life, that is.

Thomas Michaels, 54, produce manager at the Jewel-Osco supermarket, was fired from the position he held for the past 37 years. “It was my first job when I was still in high school,” said Michaels. “I’ve been there longer than anyone else. I feel so ashamed.”

Michaels had been creating his own discounts by damaging fruits and vegetables that came into his store, then buying them at reduced prices. “I liked to get the organics but I didn’t start off that way. They’re more expensive,” he explained. “The pesticides in normal foods scared me and my customers all say they aren’t good for the planet. I guess in a way I wanted to do my part for the environment. But it was the wrong way. I spoiled everything.”

Michaels’ life of crime began about 8 years ago, according to his estimate. “First I would cut a few potatoes just out of the crate. Then I gave a cantaloupe a poke. I guess things got serious when I started punching avocados around 2008. The first time I put my fist through a honeydew, I felt a rush that went up into my head and then I couldn’t stop. My doctor called it a dopamine rush and I told him I felt like a real dope for doing those things and he laughed, but then he said it was really serious. I could tell he thought it was funny because all of a sudden he said he had to go tell the receptionist something important. Then I heard her laugh.”

Supermarket Manager Corey Kirkland began to notice a pattern. “Tommy was the last person you would ever think of doing anything wrong, but he broke store policy and I had to let him go. He racked up a lot of store discounts. One day he had a bandage wrapped around his knuckles, and I should have put 2 and 2 together — our pineapples were flying off the shelves like crazy that week.”

“I overdid it,” admitted Michaels. “One bag full of stuff isn’t going to seem like too much. That’s when we had paper bags, but we switched to plastic. My organic customers got really mad when that happened, so they started to bring in cloth bags.”

“I really hope I can be rehabilitated, says Michaels. “If I can be, then I want to ask for my job back. I really want to because now I have to do Meals-On-Wheels since they put a restraining order on me.”

Kirkland, when asked whether he would hire Michaels again said, “It’s not up to me, but he’s a nice guy and I’d put in a good word for him. I’d have to check all that legal stuff out with our regional manager anyway.”

Drop In Blood Donations Means Higher Prices For Plasma TVs

Posted on August 21, 2014 by DvanL

PALO ALTO, California –

The American Red Cross issued an urgent nationwide appeal for blood donations as regional supply centers reported lower than average levels of immediately available blood reserves.

Plasma, blood’s liquid component, is essential for transporting red blood cells (erythrocytes), white blood cells (leukocytes), and platelets, which help to stop bleeding during traumatic physical injury.

The nation’s technological sector also requires a continual supply of plasma. Demand has steadily increased since the introduction of the first flat-screen plasma displays in 2006 and, as with any industry faced with a shortage of materials, the result is higher prices passed along to the consumer.

“Consumers are going to take a hit,” said Walter Britton, media analyst and marketing director. “It’s the domino effect – one puzzle piece influences the entire picture. Shoppers are going to end up with a lot of bruised wallets and pocketbooks,” he added.

Trudy Belmont, regional director of the Denver Colorado Red Cross, is confident that the public will favorably respond to the plea for increased donations. “Americans always come through. I have no doubt our regional and national supply levels will return to normal, just as they have in the past. Soon there will be enough blood everywhere,” she added.

Major electronics manufacturers, including LG, Samsung, Pioneer and NEC, have formed a partnership with the American Red Cross to urge the public to participate in nationwide blood drives.

“Give Blood – That’s The Resolution!” is the new rallying cry and national slogan developed by analyst Britton and his creative team. Public service announcements have been produced for wide distribution across several media platforms.

“The sooner we get enough blood,” said Britton, “the faster we can maintain the fair market prices that consumers demand, while providing hospital patients and victims of traumatic injury the life-giving fluid they have come to depend on. Let’s get flowing!” he enthusiastically chanted, pumping his fist in the air.

Formerly, a 2- to 3-day reserve supply of blood products was necessary to meet demands imposed by hospitals, emergency medical centers and electronics manufacturers. The Red Cross now aims to increase that reserve to 5 days.

Man Loses Head of Penis In Fishing Accident [Disturbing Image Warning]

Posted on August 17, 2014 by Angela Baker

KOKADJO, Maine –

A Massachusetts man may have some reservations about the Maine state slogan ‘Vacationland.’ Thomas Ruhle of Taunton, Massachusetts, had to prematurely end his week-long trip to a lake in Maine after getting caught in a bloody mess – a freak fishing accident caused Ruhle to rip off the head of his penis.

According to Ruhle, he and his girlfriend, Miranda Tate, were fishing when her line became entangled in weeds and branches, and after whining and tugging, she was unsuccessful in freeing it.

“She threw her pole down in a huff, demanding to leave, and in an attempt to salvage the evening, I went in after the hook. I now wish I had thought to reel in my own line,” said Ruhle. “After stripping down to my boxer shorts, I waded over to where the line was tangled. I didn’t notice that my line had drifted closer, and my hook was resting on the crotch of my shorts.”

Getting frustrated with the tangle, Ruhle pulled on the wrong line and felt the hook stab into the head of his penis.

“I honestly thought something bit me, like a snapping turtle or something, and I sorta yanked the line out of reflex, and it dragged the barbs deeper in,” said Ruhle. “[It] wasn’t until I reached down that I knew what happened.” After screaming and pleading with his girlfriend, who thought he was overreacting, she reluctantly entered the water to bring him his knife, and he was able to cut himself free.

Kokadjo is a small village past Moosehead Lake in northern Maine, centered around a general store that was closed for the evening. Without cell service the couple was unable to call for help. Carl Rogers, a gas station attendant in Greenville, Maine, was shocked when the couple sped into his parking lot.

“Apparently, in a panic, this guy’s girlfriend sped towards town, and by the time they reached my station, the dude had gone into shock,” said Rogers. “I saw their new Prius when they pulled in, and man, I never seen so much blood in my life. It had soaked right into the passenger seat. We called 911, and they air-lifted him to Bangor right outta the parking lot here.”

Doctor Mark Gerard, a surgeon at Bangor Medical Center, said he had never seen anything so violent happen to a man who was fishing.

“His efforts to free himself did more harm than good, and he will require plastic surgery to regain full functionality of his penis. How much we can do to restore a normal shape will really depend on what type of insurance he has,” said Dr. Gerard. “In the mean time, we’ve warned him not to think of anything sexual that might ‘excite’ him in any way.”

Jerry Miller, a member of the Greenville, Maine fire and rescue team who responded said, “I cringe thinking of it. It was mangled and swollen like something had chewed it. First time with a fishin’ pole, I recon.”

“I’ve fished before. I’m from Taunton, not the Bronx,” said Ruhle. “With Miranda squawking, I just can’t think straight sometimes, ya’ know. She’d been bitchin’ since we left home.”

Tate, who Ruhle says is now his ex-girlfriend, explains it all a little differently. “We had such a hard time tying the hook on in the first place, and he was too stubborn to cut the damn line. Wouldn’t listen at all. If he had been paying attention to me, we wouldn’t have gone to the middle of nowhere on vacation. F— Maine. ‘The Way Life Should Be‘ my achin’ ass.”

Actress Betty White, 92, Diagnosed With Hookworms

Posted on August 15, 2014 by DvanL

BURBANK, California –

Comedic legend Betty White, currently starring in the TVLand sitcom Hot in Cleveland, received a diagnosis of hookworm infection after complaining of discomfort during a recent taping of the show.

“I had some stomach pains and was running a fever,” said White, during a break from rehearsal. The actress portrays Elke Ostrovsky, owner of a house shared by 40-something best friends Melanie (Valerie Bertinelli), Joy (Jane Leeves) and Victoria (Wendie Malick). “I’m usually healthy as a hog,” White added.

The diagnosis caught White by surprise. “I turned to my doctor and said ‘You’ve got to be pulling my leg. Are you sure you’re not a vet?’ My dogs get hookworm. Now this is just what I need — how much do you want to bet my co-stars start referring to me as ‘that old bitch?’” joked the tart-tongued White.

“You can’t get hookworm from petting your dog,” said Dr. Morris Fine of Harvard Medical School in Cambridge, MA. “Miss White probably came in contact with soil or grass that contained hookworm larvae or eggs,” he added. “That shows she cleans up after her pets. I’m not surprised, I know she’s an animal lover.”

White’s television career began in the 1950s after success as a radio singer and actress. One of television’s first female producers, White’s first show, Life With Elizabeth, aired from 1952-1955. Frequent guest appearances on variety and game shows established White’s decades-long popularity. Her role as man-chaser and ‘Happy Homemaker’ Sue Ann Nivens on The Mary Tyler Moore Show earned the actress two Emmy nominations and one win. In the 80’s and early 90s, she played lovable dullard Rose Nylund on the hit TV series The Golden Girls, which garnered her several more Emmy nominations and wins.

Not surprisingly, White was back at work after one day’s rest.

“She’s healthier than all of us put together,” said co-star Wendie Malick. “She’s a work-horse of a woman. I really admire her.”

Treatment for hookworm disease generally involves a round of medication lasting one to three days. Iron supplements are often prescribed, as anemia sometimes occurs as a result of the condition.

“I’m just glad that it wasn’t something worse,” remarked White. “Can you imagine if it had been fleas, instead?!”

Man Dies After Overdosing on Flintstone Vitamins

Posted on August 14, 2014 by JP

LITTLE ROCK, Arkansas –

Aaron Silver, 28, a Little Rock, Arkansas local died last month after collapsing while out on a run with his dog. Silver’s family were just beginning to get on with their lives when they were astounded by the news released late Thursday afternoon by the local coroner, when his autopsy report showed that Silver had overdosed on Flintstone Chewable Vitamins.

According to the report, Silver, who was in excellent health, had unfortunately ingested more than 4 times the recommended dosage of the vitamins, and that the high amount taken had actually caused cardiac arrest.

“It sounds crazy, but the reason that Mr. Silver died was because he was trying to be too healthy,” said Richard Moore, the coroner who performed the autopsy. “It just goes to show you that you really need to follow the instructions for any medicine, no matter how non-dangerous you deem it to be.”

“Aaron was the kinda guy who would do something like that,” said his mother, Maureen Silver. “If he had a headache, he’d take twice as many Advil to make sure it went away twice as fast. It was just his nature. No doubt he thought he’d get four times as healthy if he took four times as many vitamins.”

“It is a strange occurrence, but when someone ingests too many vitamins in their body, on top of eating healthy and exercising, your body begins to overload on certain nutrients and they have nowhere to go. When this happens, sometimes it triggers strange things within the body. In the case of Mr. Silver, his heart couldn’t take the strain of so many Fred, Wilma, and Barney chewables,” said Moore.

Bayer Pharmaceuticals, the company that produces Flintstone Vitamins, have yet to make a comment on the death, but a representative for the company said they advise all consumers to closely follow the instructions on the bottle.

FDA Recalls Imported Honey Made From High Fructose Corn Syrup and Epoxy

Posted on August 14, 2014 by DvanL

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

The Food and Drug Administration issued an immediate recall for a large shipment of honey imported from Mainland China that claims to contain ‘100% pure, delicious and natural honey,’ but is actually a mixture of high fructose corn syrup, petroleum-based solvents, resin, and artificial coloring and flavorings.

Marketed under the brand Tasty Swarm Honey, the product is said to cause immediate stomach distress and discomfort, with several people who’ve sampled the product saying they instantly felt sick. At least one person was hospitalized with food poisoning after consuming the honey.

Adding sweeteners to honey is an FDA-approved manufacturing process. Any honey product that is not labeled ‘100% Pure’ is allowed to contain additives, sweeteners, and extenders. Due to questions concerning possible adverse health effects, high fructose corn syrup, or HFCS, has come under increased scrutiny and examination over the years. Derived from converted cornstarch and cheaper to produce than refined sugar, it has dominated the worldwide sweetener market in recent years.

“With this particular product, it’s not a question of the quantity or quality of the artificial ingredients that were added,” said FDA Quality Control Officer Barbara Temple, “because the entire composition is artificial. There’s absolutely no nutritional value whatsoever. Consuming this product could result in severe illness. In fact, there’s no way anyone could have possibly eaten this without having gotten violently ill. You’d be better off literally eating granulated sugar straight out of the bag by the spoon full.”

A routine FDA inquiry examining purity and quality standards of imported food items prompted an investigation and detailed analysis into the manufacturer’s products and practices.

“Recently,” said Temple, “we were informed that the Tasty Swarm company also manufactures epoxy, bathroom grout, industrial lubricants, glue, nail polish remover, and fabric softener, so our inspections were significantly stepped up after that discovery. We actually used their honey to repair a broken ceramic tile in our company bathroom, and it’s holding on strong. I wouldn’t advise eating it, or adding it to your morning tea.”

“Curiously, the company also manufactures cheese and canned soup,” continued Temple. “When we tested those products for contaminants, they were found to be top-notch – and completely delicious. It’s just this honey that they’re really getting wrong. It’s a sticky mess for Tasty Swarm, that’s for sure.”

“I ate most of the jar before I really started feeling sick,” said Joe Goldsmith, who was hospitalized with symptoms of food poisoning after eating Tasty Swarm. “I like to take honey and just pour it into a glass and sort of slurp it down with a straw. I got the honey at a local closeout discount store, but it was still in date, so I figured it would be okay. Actually, now that I think about it, the date said it didn’t expire until sometime in 2035.”

Retail store chains recalling the product from shelves include Albertson’s, Big M, Food City, and Publix. Tasty Swarm could not be reached for further comment, but a statement from a company representative said they would be “really surprised” if there were any problems with the honey, and that even Winnie The Pooh himself would be ecstatic to get stuck in a jar of their product.

Congress Approves Sugar Tax Bill; Cost Of Sugary Drinks And Foods Expected To Triple By 2016

Posted on August 13, 2014 by Raoul Stockton

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

A bill that would tax granulated sugar and all sugary foods is expected to be signed by President Barack Obama next week, after The House gave final congressional approval on Wednesday to a bill that would tax sugar on a per-gram basis.

“Sugar abuse is linked to several health problems such as obesity, diabetes, and other various diseases. This tax on sugar would go straight into funding all medical research – not just those common ailments – but all medical research,” House speaker John Boehner said.

The sugar tax bill is expected to triple the cost of foods high in unnatural amounts of fructose such as carbonated beverages, candies, frozen novelties, and over 700 other foods and drinks.

“The proposed bill is a good thing. We expect it to cut back on the unnecessary consumption of all junk foods, therefore, gradually making Americans who abuse these foods and drinks healthier,” said Tom Harkin, the democratic senator from Iowa, who also serves as the chairman of the U.S. Senate Committee on Health Education, Labor & Pensions. “For those who are willing to pay the extra price, they will be helping the cause by funding research for a vast array of medical endeavors.”

While many agree this could be a good thing, it seems most Americans seem to be opposed to the tax. In a poll taken by Empire News, 1,500 citizens throughout the United States were asked the question, “Do you agree or disagree with the proposed “Sugar Tax” bill?” An overwhelming 67% said they disagree with the bill, 23% said they approved, while the remaining 10 % declared they were undecided on or unfamiliar with the matter.

In an interview with North Carolina Congresswoman Virginia Foxx, she said the stats that were compiled proved that the American people are unable to make reasonable decisions on their own that would benefit their overall health.

“It is incredibly alarming how American people have complete disregard for their health,” said Foxx. “Look, I love cherry pie, candy bars, and fruity mixed drinks as much as the next person, but I also know that abusing these things is really bad for me. So many things we do are horrible for our bodies. Take drinking, for example. Americans need to try drinking their booze straight more often. I have found that straight bourbon on ice is actually very refreshing, cut out the sugary, fruity crutches when you can. Drink it straight,” she said.

Mary Jane Jenkins of Noblesville, Indiana disagrees with the bill, saying it’s ‘the worst decision’ that the government has made in ages.

“Look, I’m a f—-ing American voter and taxpayer. I should be able to use my food stamp card on anything I want, but with this stupid ‘sugar tax’ there is no way I will be able to buy my kids a box of Snickers bars. They say the price will almost triple. That’s absurd. It was bad enough when New York was in the news over their soda tax a few years ago, but this is crossing a major line. What’s next? Are they gonna tax their damn video games, too? This is our lives. Let us live and die at our own damn pace, fulfilling our own damn desires,” said an infuriated Jenkins.

President Obama, as a vocal supporter of the bill, is expected to sign it into law next Thursday morning.