11-Year-Old Boy Accidentally Kills Mother With Mushrooms; Sentenced To Death Penalty

FREEMONT, Nevada – 

Jackson Russell says he was just trying to surprise his mother with breakfast in bed when he accidentally served her death cap mushrooms. This variety of mushrooms has a similar look to wild edible mushrooms, but as much as half a cap has enough poison to kill an adult.

“I was just making her a breakfast to make her happy. I did not try to poison her,” said Russell. “The mushrooms came from the outside, near the barn. I got ’em when I was getting eggs from the chickens.”

Four hours later, Russell’s mother, Katrina, was hospitalized after she experienced nausea, vomiting, cramps, and diarrhea, which normally pass after the irritant had been expelled. She thought she was feeling better and was discharged from the emergency room, but hours later she died.

Jackson Russell was taken into police custody, and was charged in the death of his mother. Normally an accidental death would not form a stern punishment in the case of a young child, but the harsh judge delivered a strict verdict, and sentence Russell to the death penalty.

“I am so sorry that I hurt mommy, but I didn’t mean it,” said Russell in the courtroom. “The judge says I was too bad, though, so I have to go live where Daddy used to live, and then they’re going to give me a shot in a few months. I’m sad about that, too. I hate shots.”

Trump Criticizes Sanders For Making Donations To Charities

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WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Donald Trump has been mocking competitor Bernie Sanders in the media the last few days, claiming that Sanders is a “pussy” and a “wimp” for donating to charities and not bragging about it publicly.

“When I become president we will stop foreign aid. In fact the first thing I plan on stopping is government funded cell phones. Yes, the program may have been initiated to spy on citizens, but it is not worth the charity,” said Trump. “Sanders may want to give all this money to stupid places like the Salvation Army or the Veterans Fund, but I am trying to save money. And not just mine, either. Also the country’s money. The taxpayer money.”

Sanders, for his part, has not commented on Trump’s rants, although he did say that he is “happy” to share any information with anyone about his donations, he just doesn’t “feel the need to brag.”

Kim Jong-Un Says Most Important Thing To Discuss With Trump Is ‘Mean Internet Memes’

PYONGANG, North Korea –

Leader of North Korea says he accepts Trump’s request to talk to him, and would like to discuss suing the internet over offensive memes. Trump’s reputation of suing when his feelings are hurt proceeds him. Trump has sued the artist who depicted him with a micropenis, satire website The Onion for liable, and the New York Times for twisting his words.

Kim Jong-Un says he is disgusted by the amount of unflattering memes and artwork he sees on a Google image search. “Supreme leader should not be portrayed in undignified way. I understand Trump has same problem and would like to discuss suing the internet.”

Trump sympathizes with Jong-Un. Trump says, “I’m a little jealous of the guy. No one’s making an offensive meme in his country. He’s got respect. But the little gooks got to understand here in the United States of America, land of the free, once the internet’s got an image of you, it’s gone.”

New Hampshire Courts Rule That Rape Is Legal In All Cirucmstances

law firm

CONCORD, New Hampshire – 

Although a recent internet circulation about Oklahoma law allowing for someone to be orally raped if they are intoxicated has already been proved to be inaccurate, New Hampshire lawmakers may be giving the internet something new to make waves over. The courts in that state have determined that all rape, whether it is a man on a woman or a woman on a man, and no matter what bodily orifice is penetrated, is considered legal in all circumstances.

“We live in a state where the motto is ‘Live Free or Die,'” said state senator Richard Lambert. “We have no seatbelt laws. We have no sales tax. We have no helmet laws. We have the most lax laws on theft or vandalism in the country. It was a no-brainer that we should also have no laws pertaining to rape or sexual assault.”

According to Lambert, lawmakers were recently put on blast for allowing a 17-year-old teen to go free after he was arrested for allegedly raping a 16-year-old female classmate.

“That teen says that the girl wanted to have sex, and neither of them was even drunk or otherwise intoxicated at the time, so we had to believe him,” said Lambert. “We let him go, because more often than not, when a girl loses her virginity she is upset afterwards, and looking to hurt the guy, especially when the couple breaks up, which is what had happened in that situation.”

Instead of creating stricter laws that would help to keep possible sex offenders from going free, the state decided that they would remove the laws from their court system all together, making all rape, regardless of circumstance, legal and “okay.”

“I, personally, am glad that we are making the matter go away entirely by removing the laws,” said Lambert. “Our state spends more time than anything on cases about rape or assault or statutory rape than anything else, and it was costing us millions. Instead, let these kids go out and get wasted and have sex. There shouldn’t be people going to jail over regret.”

600,000 People Show Up In Support of Donald Trump In Los Angeles

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LOS ANGELES, California – 

Donald Trump has scored the biggest and best turnout of any candidate in the history of the presidency, when over 600,000 people showed up in support of the Republican during a recent stop in Los Angeles, California.

Trump, who has long been leading the republican ticket and is more than likely going to receive his party’s nomination towards the general election, visited the state last week, at a rally that was only expected to have a turnout of around 18,000 people.

“Somewhere along the line, Trump supporters started coming together. We had people driving in from 3 or 4 states away, packing cars, and coming together. They just wanted to be here,” said Trump campaign manager Kyle Carson. “It brought tears to me eyes that so many people were here to listen to what Donald Trump had to say.”

The candidate says that he is not surprised, although is extremely overjoyed, that as many people showed as they did.

“My message is being heard loud and clear by the American people, and that message is that we want to make America great again,” said Trump. “They are slowly coming around, because they, too, want to be great. They miss the times when it was, and we are working to get it back.”

The previous record for a crowd of people gathering to hear a candidate was for President Obama in 2008, when he had 80,000 people show up for a speech in Chicago, Illinois.

PETA Overjoyed As Leather To Become Illegal

leather

AUSTIN, Texas –

PETA members are ecstatic over the passing of a new law that would outlaw products from being made of leather, which is created using the hide of deal cows. The group has been petitioning for years to the government to stop allowing leather to be used for products where suitable alternatives are available, such as shoes and clothing, or furniture.

“We are so happy that the U.S. government has finally made a step in the right direction, with their plans to outlaw the leather trade,” said PETA spokesman Bunny Jones. “We have been working towards this step for many years, and through petitioning, protesting, and hard work, we were able to convince the government to outlaw the creation of new leather products.”

The law would not ban existing leather items or stop leather manufacturers from using their existing stock, but it would stop farmers from selling new hides to distributors.

“I’ve been making leather furniture, such as couches and chairs, for as long as I can remember,” said Bill Poxley of Utah. “This law is going to kill my business. I have enough material left for maybe another 100, 150 couches or chairs, and then I’m done. You can bet your ass that I’ll be charging a premium for these next sets, though.”

The government says that they are working with manufacturers and providing new materials, as well as tax breaks, to those that are looking to switch to alternative materials.

U.S. Government Says You Can Buy Alcohol, Cigarettes With Food Stamps Starting 2017

alcohol

WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

Faced with lingering debts due to a still struggling economy, President Barack Obama issued an executive order today allowing the purchase of alcohol and cigarettes with food stamps.

The Supplemental Nutrition Assistance Program (SNAP) offers nutrition assistance to eligible individuals who face financial or other hardships when trying to adequately feed themselves and their dependents.

The US Department of Agriculture, which oversees the program, has a strict policy on which items can and cannot be purchased with food stamps.  Alcohol and cigarettes are not categorized as “essential nutrition,” and were never allowed on the “Food Stamp Safety List” – until now.

“We’re faced with tough times. American families are still struggling, although the economy is slowly recovering,” said President Obama. “The boost in sales generated by alcohol and cigarette sales will help aid in the recovery efforts, and generate much-needed revenue.”

For years, the President has struggled with a much publicized nicotine addiction, and this executive decision is bound to raise the hackles of nutrition experts, not to mention closer to home, where the First Lady, Michelle Obama, has advocated healthy eating habits and exercise.  When asked if that may create tension within the White House, the President replied “I hope not.”

Other items disallowed on the food stamp list include vitamins, medicine, hot food or food eaten in a store, live animals, and cosmetics.

Major tobacco manufacturers and alcohol distributors have been slow to overly praise the decision, seen as controversial from both sides of the political aisle.  Members of the GOP have also remained strangely silent in their usual criticism of the President’s every action, owing to the fact that many members of Congress are on vacation and receive large subsidies from the alcohol and tobacco industries.

Plan Launches To Add President Obama To Mount Rushmore

obamarushmore

WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

According to one of Obama’s supporters, Obama deserves to have a spot next to Washington and Lincoln on Mount Rushmore. You heard that right – According to Jim Messina, Obama is “no question … one of the all-time great presidents.”

Messian justifies his ridiculous position with claims that Obama “walked into the toughest economic situation in several generations. Made tough choices to fix it, took on an incredibly unpopular and difficult fight on healthcare, put all of his political chips on the line, passed it, continued to go on, and have a successful presidency.”

Messina has gained a mass of supporters, all of whom petitioned the government to add Obama to the famous mountain, and – of course – it was passed by the Obama administration.

“I would never have made this choice on my own, but if it is brought to me by others, I have no problem adding myself to the mountain,” said Obama. “I have had one of the toughest eight years in any presidency, and if others think I deserve the honor, who am I to argue?”

The cost of the addition will be somewhere in the nature of $20 million dollars, which will be paid for by taxes and donations.

Hillary Clinton Says She Wants Her Picture To Be Featured On $20 Bill

hillarycash

WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

Hillary Clinton says that she “firmly believes” that she should be featured on the $20 bill, which has been being looked at by government officials to be changed to a strong woman from history. Currently, people have been voting for major game-changes such as Harriet Tubman or Rosa Parks, but Clinton said that she would be the “best choice.”

“I have overcome so much, between my political and personal career, and yet here I am, still ahead of the game, working towards becoming the first president,” said Clinton. “There is a good chance that I will go down as history when I win the election in November, so between that and my history as a stand-up woman, I honestly feel I would be a good choice.”

Clinton went on to say that standing by her philandering husband, former president Bill Clinton, was one of her “proudest moments,” and just another reason that she would be perfect to be featured on the money.

“I could have left him when he was getting his member rubbed by any greasy whore who walked into the Oval Office, but I didn’t,” said Clinton. “That shows that I’m a proud woman, who can forgive, and not at all a total fool who was made to look like an idiot in the public eye.”

Clinton says she hopes that the members of the US Mint will consider making her the new face of the $20 bill in place of Andrew Jackson.

Swipe Your Driver’s License For Free Gas Thanks To Leftover Campaign Funds [VIDEO]

license

DALLAS, Texas –

A rather frugal Texan recently made a video showing how anyone in the country could get a bit of free gas at their local gas station, thanks to new campaign laws that make it illegal for money to funnel back into the political candidate once they have left the race.

“These public funds, they could easily go back into a check or some other refund to the people who donated, or to the public via tax breaks, but this seems like a much easier way to get people their few dollars, and at a cheaper cost to the government,” said Craig Smith, who filmed the video. “Checks cost money to print and mail. Instead, it seems they just applied the money to the license of anyone who donated and voted. The money is there, you just have to use it.”

The original post, which was made available on Facebook, claims that it’s valid for anyone “until the fund dries up.”

$10.00 free gas!!!!! Just found out about this! After the Primary Election any money left over in the campaign funds goes into an account and you can get $10.00 free gas a month until the fund goes dry! I tried it and it works!!!! Share with everyone so others can enjoy!!!

Check out the original video below, which explains how the license can be used to obtain the free gas.

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