Hillary Clinton Announces Her Plans To Drop From Presidential Race

Posted on February 14, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Democratic candidate Hillary Clinton has announced that she will be stepping down from the campaign trail, suspending her plans to become the next President of the United States. The announcement comes after a loss in the New Hampshire primaries earlier this week, to Democrat Bernie Sanders.

“New Hampshire has successfully chosen the president for the last several decades. If you win in New Hampshire, you’ve won the vote,” said Clinton. “I can’t compete with Bernie Sanders, anyway. He has secured the young vote. He has the blacks and the Latinos. He has everyone, and he even has most of the woman vote. He cannot be stopped. Even I’ve started to Feel The Bern.”

“I am glad that she has stepped down. It clears the way for a Sanders victory,” said New Hampshire resident Joe Goldsmith. “I voted for Bernie in the primaries, as did everyone else. Hillary is soulless, and would never have won. Have you looked at her eyes? They’re empty. There’s nothing behind them. It’s like that Stephen King movie The Dead Zone. She’s evil incarnate.”

Hillary Clinton Plans To Make Bill Clinton Her Running Mate If She Wins In Primary

Posted on February 9, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Although he has already served a full two terms as president, nothing is stopping Hillary Clinton from making her husband, Bill Cinton, her vice-presidential running mate should she win during the primary elections; an act she says she is planning on doing.

“Bill has already been there, and he’s already seen what a presidential seat can do to a person, and there is no one better to join me at my side, and in my cabinet, than him,” said Hillary Clinton. “I am officially planning to recognize my husband, Bill, as my running mate if I am to take the primaries.”

Members of Congress say that there is no reason that Bill Clinton cannot serve as vice president, but there are issues were something to happen to Hillary if she were elected, such as a death, or a scandal or other measure that forces her to resign.

“If she were to be elected with Bill Clinton as her vice president, we are unsure, at this time, if he would be able to take over the roll of president as would normally be the case,” said congressional member Richard Doorer (R-Iowa). “As he has already fulfilled his duty as president, and completed two full terms, he is not eligible to run again, but that doesn’t necessarily negate that he could be president again in that sort of situation. We’ll take it as it comes, if it does indeed arise.”

According to an anonymous source inside the Clinton campaign, the entire race has just been one big ploy to get Bill Clinton back into the oval office, with Hillary planning on winning, and immediately stepping down, allowing for her husband to take over.

Ku Klux Klan Makes Formal Endorsement For Donald Trump Campaign

Posted on February 9, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

HUNTSVILLE, Alabama –

The Ku Klux Klan, America’s favorite hate group, has formally announced their endorsement for Donald Trump as he runs for president of the United States.

“He says what we are all feeling in our hearts and in our heads,” said Klan leader Joe Smith of the Huntsville chapter. “He’s a man who is ready to speak up and fix this country. He wants to build a wall to keep the spics out, and if we can have our way, we’ll get the niggers and the Jews out, too. Put ’em all behind a wall. Trump is the kind of man who can get that done, and we respect that.”

Normally not vocal about their candidate of choice, this is the first time in several decades that the group has spoken out in favor of one particular candidate during a presidential race.

“In 2008, we were adimant on getting anyone into the White House except for Obama, but we failed in our mission,” said Smith. “We didn’t think that that White House should be tarnished by being filled with a dirty black man from Kenya. This time, we will double our efforts in making sure that Trump is elected over anyone else – especially Hillary Clinton.”

Bernie Sanders Plans Sex Change Surgery To Garner Votes From Women

Posted on February 8, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Bernie Sanders, who has been leading the polls against Hillary Clinton, announced today that there was one segment of the vote that he was not able to grasp, and that was the women vote.

“I’ve got the African-Americans, the poor, the white, the tall, the skinny, the fat – I’ve got it all, baby,” said Sanders to a packed town hall in New Hampshire on Monday morning. “The one thing I haven’t been able to get is the woman vote. Clinton has that locked in because she was born with a vagina, and that’s one thing I couldn’t compete with. Until now.”

Sanders went on to say that he would be undergoing sex reassignment surgery to better understand what a woman goes through, and he hopes that this will also help to get more women to vote for him.

“I can promise a lot of things, but I can’t promise that I know what it’s like to pee sitting down, or to have breasts and nurse a child, and with this surgery, these changes, I will. And by the end of the year, when it’s time to cast your ballots for president, I will be able to fully encompass all people, even women.”

Hillary and Bill Clinton Paid Daughter Chelsea To Have Babies

Posted on February 2, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Hilary and Bill Clinton allegedly paid daughter Chelsea, 35, to start a family. Chelsea is expecting her second child. Charlotte, now 16 months old, was born in September of 2014, about a year after Chelsea received a two million dollar incentive to start a family.

Not only did Hilary and Bill want grandbabies, they thought it would look good for the campaign. “The Clinton campaign wanted Hilary to appear to be a hard politician, which they have seen in her career as senator and secretary of state, while also retaining a warm, motherly aspect. Obviously Hilary Clinton’s womb has long ago dried up, and Chelsea is far too old to be cute. Voters like babies. Two is the optimal number. This definitely helped her win the Iowa caucuses,” says campaign analyst Greg Edelman.

Chelsea’s husband, Marc Mezvinsky says even though this ended the freedom the couple once enjoyed, he is happy they decided to take the money and conceive. “I am very lucky to have my kids and such generous inlaws. Sure, we don’t have the same freedom as before, but we’re set for life. And whatever helps Hilary win is good for our family and good for the nation. Clinton for president. All hail Clinton.”

Rapist Sues Woman He Assaulted After Learning She Gave Him HIV

Posted on January 31, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

SAN DIEGO, California –

John Ryan, 32, is suing Felicia Jones, 26, after contracting HIV, the virus that causes AIDS, in a sexual encounter. Ryan says that although he was raping Jones at the time, she should have informed him that she had the virus, and because she didn’t, he is entitled to “everything she has.”

“Just because I grabbed her off the running path in the park, took her into the woods, and raped her, doesn’t mean that she has the right to hide her disease from me,” said Ryan, who has been arrested for sexual assault in the past, although the charges were later dropped. “Because she didn’t say anything, I now have HIV, and my life is essentially ruined.”

The law in most states, including California, says that if you are a carrier of HIV or AIDs, you must inform all sexual partners beforehand, or face possible arrest and prosecution for manslaughter.

“Ms. Jones was fully able to explain to me that she had the disease, as I did not cover her mouth like I’ve done to other women in the past,” said Ryan. “I may have decked her in the mouth a few times, but a little blood is not stopping her from saying ‘hold on a minute, I have HIV.'”

Jones says that she was terrified in the situation, and that her condition was not at the forefront of her mind.

“That bastard was raping me, and telling him that I was sick probably wouldn’t have stopped him anyway,” said Jones. “I was scared, and I thought he might kill me. That’s what I was thinking about. My lawyer has advised me not to say that I think he deserves what he got, but let me just say that I’m certainly not sorry.”

Jones contracted the virus two years ago during a blood transfusion after a bad car accident.

IRS Announces Massive Delays In Tax Refunds After Computer System Crash

Posted on January 31, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

As more and more people begin filing their taxes online, the IRS has reportedly gotten swamped by early-filers, causing system crashes and a work overload for employees at the bureau. According to IRS spokesman Joe Goldsmith, the issues and crashes are still being sorted, with over 20 million Americans being forced to wait for their refund checks.

“In the old days, people mailed in their returns, and they slowly trickled in, giving our employees and computer systems enough time to sort through and properly handle every W2 and return,” said Goldsmith. “With the advent of being able to file over the phone, and now online, people are getting us their tax information by the first and second week of the year, causing or systems to crash and employees to be working over 100 hours a week to get everything sorted. It’s a real and total cluster-eff.”

According to Goldsmith, the IRS has become so overwhelmed with return information already, that refunds owed will be months delayed.

“We like to be able, normally, to get people their refunds due within a few weeks, or sooner, thanks to direct deposit,” said Goldsmith. “Unfortunately, this year it appears we will end up having to manually sort through all returns manually, which will take us several months. Refunds can expect to be received starting in July or August of this year.”

Goldsmith said that he understands the frustrations that this will cause, but they want to make sure that everyone is receiving the correct refunds or paying in the proper amounts.

“I really wanted to go out and get a new big screen TV and a new snowmobile with my refund,” said Goldsmith. “I work here, and even I will be waiting several more months. That snowmobile will probably end up being a four-wheeler or a new motorcycle by the time I end up seeing the money.”

State Agencies Begin Arresting People On Animal Cruelty Charges For Making Cucumber Cat-Scaring Videos

Posted on January 31, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Cats have long been the internet’s most famous animal. Whether you love or hate cats, there is a meme, a video, a picture, or a song online about cats. Over the last several months, one of the most trendy videos to make is one where you scare your cat with a cucumber. As crazy as it sounds, people love filming their felines becoming terrified as they discover the oblong shape when it is placed near them without being noticed.

PETA and the ASCPA have lobbied several states to begin tracking down and arresting people who torture their pets in this way on animal cruelty charges, as it is extremely harmful to the cat.

“When a cat is eating, he is in his safe zone. He needs to feel like that area is free from predators and harm,” said ASPCA member John Lewis. “When your cat is eating and you place a cucumber – or anything, really – behind him, and he turns around, he instantly becomes scared because he assumes it is a snake or other predator that is there to harm him. In turn, this makes cats stop eating or drinking, fearing for their safety by not returning to their food area.”

The long-term effect this has on felines have not been tested, but PETA and ASPCA say that the gag is enough to warrant arrest based on animal cruelty, and several state governments have agreed.

“Georgia, Louisiana, New Hampshire, Vermont, California, and Nebraska are just a few of the states that we have convinced to track down and arrest these animal abusers,” said Lewis. “We are all working closely with Google, as most of these people who have accounts are making money on their cat videos with Google’s AdSense service – which requires them to give a real name and address. We believe we can successfully stop people from creating these harmful videos, and show love and care to their furry feline friends.”

Snake Bites Boy At Disney’s Wild Animal Kingdom

Posted on January 30, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

ORLANDO, Florida –

A family from Alabama plans to sue Disney World after they said an escaped snake at Disney’s Wild Animal Kingdom dropped from a tree and bit their young child. The family’s attorney, Matt Morgan, said Thursday that the boy’s grandmother saw the snake bite him, went into cardiac arrest from fright, and died soon after. They boy was treated with a band-aid and continued to enjoy the park after the incident.

While the family mourns her death, they say they will remember Grandma’s sacrifice as they spend the money they will receive from this lawsuit. “She would have said, ‘I’m old. I lived my life. Let God take me if it means my family can go on more memorable vacations.’ Next time we won’t be going anywhere with snakes though,” said one of the family members. The names are not being released at this time.

Disney says the snake was wild and not part of their attraction. Attorney Jeff Kendell plans to represent the snake, who did not intend to harm the boy. “The snake was nonvenomous, so it did not plan to hurt anyone. It was merely speaking out about the destruction of its wild habitat for a tourist destination in the only way it knew how.”

China Announces Plans To Sell Tibet To Highest Bidder

Posted on January 28, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

BEIJING, China –

China says that they are willing to give up the sovereignty it has held Tibet since 1951 – as long as the price is right.Hippies and hipsters across the United States are already trying to raise awareness and encourage people to chip in to “Free Tibet.”

“China’s actually really hurting. The US owes 1.3 trillion dollars it never intends to pay back,” said self-proclaimed ‘granola’ Cindy Morris. “The biggest thing is the bad reputation they have developed. ‘Made in China’ means crap. Plus, the pollution over there is really bad. Their government needs more money to process all the dead bodies.”

Since the 1950s, millions has been donated to the Free Tibet cause, but it is unclear where this money is being kept or how much there is. The Dahli Lama has yet to release a statement on the matter, and the Tibetan Government in Exile has not been clear whether they will be able to afford China’s price. It is likely that they do not feel they are rightfully owned by China and will refuse to pay for their freedom.