Man Files Lawsuit After Planet Fitness Revokes His Membership For Getting ‘Too Fit’

Posted on March 1, 2015 by Raoul Stockton

LOUISVILLE, Kentucky –

Jonathan Ragsdale, 32, of Louisville, Kentucky was greeted with a surprise last Monday morning when he walked in to his neighborhood Planet Fitness. He was told to hand in his membership card and was given an immediate refund. Why? Because management decided that Ragsdale simply had gotten “too fit” after losing over 100 pounds and building muscle mass comparable to a professional athlete, and by doing so he had become “visibly intimidating.” He then returned the favor by filing a lawsuit, claiming he maintained a “lunk-free attitude.”

Planet Fitness is a franchise fitness center which prides itself on maintaining an ‘intimidation-free and lunk-free atmosphere.’ The term ‘lunk’ is a word made up by Planet Fitness used to describe one who grunts, drops weights, and judges other members. In all of its fitness centers across the country, there is even a ‘lunk alarm’ that will go off if they believe a person is behaving in a lunky way.

Ragsdale’s lawyer, Jason “The Hammer” Volz says that his client in no way violated the organizations lunk-free code.

“Mr. Ragsdale showed up alone and worked out at this particular venue five times a week, in six months he lost over 100 pounds and now looks like The Rock. He always stayed quiet, never dropped weights, helped others when they needed help. Then last week he walks in and they immediately sound the Lunk Alarm, and revoked his membership, which embarrassed him, causing him to stop working out and to begin binge eating,” Volz told the Louisville Times. “Basically, they singled him out for looking too good, nowhere in their self-imposed terms of membership does it say you can be ousted and be considered a lunk based upon visual appearance only. It is ludicrous.”

In the last week since his membership was revoked, Ragsdale has reportedly gained back an astonishing 34 pounds. He is suing the company over the emotional distress of being referred to as a “lunk.”

Iran’s Supreme Leader Not a Fan of ‘American Sniper’

Posted on March 1, 2015 by Josh Marcus

TEHRAN, Iran –

Iran’s Supreme Leader, Ayatollah Ali Khamenei, has spoken out against critically acclaimed film, American Sniper, saying that he is “not a fan.” The screenplay, which portrays a real-life US soldier who killed 160 ‘enemies’, struck a nerve with the spiritual head of the Islamic country.

“The dialogue is poorly written, and some of the secondary cast is very poorly chosen,” Khamenei told TMZ. “In addition, the soundtrack does not do the visuals justice.”

Some have criticized the film for portraying Islamic people as ‘uncivilised’ and the conflict as ‘simplistic’, but the supreme leader’s criticisms have gone far beyond what he calls “possible thematic inaccuracies”, sparking a feud with director and producer, Clint Eastwood. “What bothers me most is the way the camera angles make the action look contrived, bastardized to resemble any other Hollywood action movie,” he added.

Eastwood, who reminded us that he is the man responsible for the highest-grossing war film in history, hit back at Khamenei’s comments, saying, “Who is he to judge? I’ve seen his work. [1991 Iranian drama] Mother totally sucked – yes, it wasn’t Hollywood-ised, and it was gritty and moving, but it hardly had a budget, and some of the actors were clearly amateur and didn’t even speak English!”

After half an hour of Googling the Ayatollah’s filmography, we managed to track down the movie in question, and found it to be attributed to Iranian director Ali Hatami, and not Khamenei, to whom Eastwood inaccurately credited it.

Iranian President, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, publicly disagreed with the supreme leader, simply saying, “Eastwood is legendary. Don’t f*** with him.”

Tobacco Companies Begin Shamelessly Stealing Marketing Ideas From ‘Mad Men’

Posted on March 1, 2015 by Josh Marcus

RICHMOND, Virginia –

After John Oliver’s recent expose on Last Week Tonight portrayed tobacco companies as using evil tactics to promote smoking around the world, said companies are reportedly following up with campaigns shamelessly stolen from hit tv series Mad Men.

“Oliver himself gave us the idea,” said Philip Morris CEO Louis Camilleri. “He referred to a commercial of ours as over the top ‘even for Don Draper’.”

Don Draper is the main character in Mad Men, which follows the lives of morally corrupt, chain smoking, womanizing, misogynistic advertising execs in the early sixties. He is an expert at finding new ways to manipulate viewers into buying products, even when conventional wisdom or emerging health hazards are making them difficult to market.

“Mad Men portrays a very accurate picture of what we do,” said a source at advertising giants, Omnicom Group, on condition of anonymity. “There’s no honesty and integrity in this industry and that’s how we like it. It’s still an old boys club, because we’re the ones who have insight into people’s wants and desires. And we smoke because we know that the health claims are overblown. We couldn’t function any other way.”

Expected campaigns include one which portrays smoking as a manly activity that is done in spite of the danger, another that shows how women can impress their men by smoking with them, and a third which explains how the smell of a cigarrette can cover up the scent of adultery.

Major critics have blasted the “amoral behavior of this murderous industry” but admit, regardless, that they “wish [they] had those guys balls.” After having previewed examples of the upcoming campaigns, they realized that they could actually achieve that, by smoking an assortment of tobacco products.

Obama Confesses Dirty Secret: ‘I Had Sex With Michelle’

Posted on February 25, 2015 by Josh Marcus

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

The political arena of the US has again been rocked by a sex scandal, this time at the highest level. Speculation has given way to fact, as President Barack Obama today confessed that he has had sex with first lady Michelle – on multiple occasions. Yet, unlike with former President Bill Clinton’s misbehavior, Obama does not appear to be abashed in the slightest, leading to criticism from conservatives around the nation.

“I’ve been sleeping with Michelle for years now,” wrote the president in a long, tedious series of twitter posts. “23 years in fact. Long before I was voted in to run this country. Long before Michelle was voted in as First Lady. Even before I was in office in Illinois. We’ve had intercourse so many times. I lost count long ago. We’re both really good at it. That is why we keep doing it. As an amoral liberal, I believe that there is nothing wrong with the president and the first lady sleeping together.”

Conservative senator and possible 2016 presidential candidate, Rand Paul, has reacted with fury at the president’s remarks.

“This is what happens when you’re too left wing!” he shouted to loud applause while visiting in Des Moines. “Suddenly it’s alright to have all kinds of disgusting affairs. It doesn’t matter that you’re a role model to the nation. Who cares? Why not have the time of your life?” the Kentucky politician scoffed.

Other critics were more concerned about issues closer to home.

“What about the children?” asked former congresswoman Michele Bachmann. “Natasha and Malia Ann will be devastated at the news that their parents have carried out such an illicit affair. It’s appalling.”

Natasha Obama, however, was more forgiving.

“Mom and Dad have been living together for a long time,” she wrote on her blog. “When you’re in such close proximity, stuff happens. It really comes as no surprise to me. Two attractive people sleeping in the same bed inevitably have sex. I watched that movie with Sandra Bullock – The Proposal I think it was called. Those two even ended up getting married.”

President Obama Invites Seth Rogen To White House To Be Fill-In President For A Week

Posted on February 24, 2015 by Raoul Stockton

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

President Barack Obama has invited actor and comedian Seth Rogen to the White House to fill in for him as President of the United States for a week so that he can vacation with his family according to a statement released by White House press secretary Josh Earnest.

“The President and his administration has decided that he is in dire need of a family vacation,” Earnest said this morning. “There was a meeting of White House staff early yesterday in which a short-list was discussed for suitable fill-ins for the job for a week.” the press secretary added. “It was decided early on in the meeting that the Vice President was unable to fulfill the needs due to his commitment to a bowling tournament, ultimately it was determined that actor Seth Rogen was a great choice since he was an actor.”

Rogen accepted the role with honor and told Entertainment Today reporter Jasmine Archibald that he was excited to sit at the Resolute Desk in the Oval Office and make decisions on the Presidents behalf for a week. “Yeah I mean how hard can it be? All you have to do is sit back that and sign stuff all day and look good doing it, I’m sure I can smoke a couple joints and pull that off, let’s get real.” Rogen said.

Obama did admit that he personally chose the actor for the sole reason of upsetting North Korean dictator Kim Jong-un. “I knew it would piss him (Jong-un) off, so I said lets do it, lets put Rogen in the chair,” Obama said.

Afroman To Be Charged With Murder After Assaulted Fan Dies

Posted on February 24, 2015 by Josh Marcus

BILOXI, Mississippi –

Singer-songwriter Joseph Foreman aka Afroman, best known for his 2001 hit “Because I Got High”, is reportedly to be charged with the murder of Pink Platino. The girl died days after being knocked unconscious by a roundhouse punch that was, actually, pretty darn impressive for a forty-year-old stoner. Although Platino was initially thought to be uninjured, the sheer humiliation of the event, combined with internal bleeding in her brain, caused an unexpected hemorrhage.

“There’s a bunch of things that she knew she’d never live down,” said Mauve Platino, Pink’s sister. “Firstly, she was at a damn Afroman gig, a guy who had one hit that only stoners knew existed. The entire family cringed when we heard that she was there. Secondly, she was getting sexy with Afroman on stage, and someone caught that shit on film. Thirdly, a hit from Afroman was enough to send her to the ground. Jesus, I’m embarrassed to be related to her.”

Pink’s friends, however, came to her defense. “Pink was just a chiller,” said friend Matt “Matty-boy” Jacbos. “She was just chillin’ up there. Why can’t anyone just chill these days without getting smashed in the face?”

Lawyer John McDougal, who will represent the Platino family, was bullish about their chances at getting justice.

“It’s all on video,” he told media outlet TMZ. “He definitely can’t say ‘It Wasn’t Me,’ this time.”

When it was pointed out to McDougal that he was referring to a Shaggy song, the lawyer mumbled something about having lots of black stoner friends, and refused to comment further.

Afroman came out in his own defense, saying that it only happened because it was an early afternoon show, and he had not had a chance to take his “medication” yet.

Legal expert, Ziggy Fernandez, played down the chances that the singer would end up in prison.

“Seriously, no jury is going to take pity on the type of girl who attended Afroman concerts,” Fernandez said. “I think pretty much everyone agrees that if you go to an Afroman concert, you deserve to be knocked unconscious. If you die, well, you know, that’s just the way shit falls sometimes.”

Former President George W. Bush Diagnosed With Autism

Posted on February 16, 2015 by Josh Marcus

AUSTIN, Texas –

In news that has rocked the nation, and in particular the Republican Party, former President George W. Bush has been diagnosed with autism. After classified documents detailing Bush’s childhood and development were released to lead psychiatrists, researchers were unanimous in naming the much-dreaded disease as the source of all of his idiosyncrasies and poor decision making abilities.

“I always suspected something of this kind,” said expert Chris Denio. “He is a very rigid, inflexible man. For example, his insistence on saying ‘nucular’ when he knew the term was ‘nuclear’. His oft-recognized kinship with [Russian President Vladimir] Putin, with whom there is definitely something… off. His weird relationship with [former British Prime Minister] Tony Blair – they did a lot of strange things together, like the time they created a blanket fort, but they hardly ever spoke. In fact, Bush hardly ever speaks unless he’s been told what to say.”

Current Iraqi President Fuad Masum expressed outrage at what he called the “arrogance of America. They allowed a man with a deep-seated disorder ruin our country! It’s just like when they allowed an actor to escalate the Cold War. I mean, an actor! To make decisions which could have led to the end of the world as we know it! Bloody Americans. Pfff.”

Friends and family of the politician rallied to his defence, while admitting that Bush truly is autistic.

“It’s not his fault,” said wife Laura. “Blame his parents. They gave him those vaccinations. Besides, he’s high functioning. And he has a wife who’s been behind all his decisions and actions, making sure he never did anything irreversible. Well, okay, war in Iraq was pretty irreversible, but other than that, hardly any f***-ups!”

The former President himself, when reached for comment, simply stated, “I know the square root of 2403302. Do you?”

Born Again Christian Unsuccessfully Attempts to Assassinate President

Posted on February 16, 2015 by Josh Marcus

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Secret Service agents are on high alert after an unsuccessful assassination attempt on Barack Obama. The perpetrator, identified as a man called Mark David Chapman, fired shots from a .38 revolver at the president and first lady outside the entrance of the White House. He was found sitting at the scene, reading J. D. Salinger’s acclaimed novel, The Catcher in the Rye.

Chapman was apparently muddled, but gave a statement to the police indicating his motivations for the attempted murder of the president.

“He said that he was more popular than Jesus,” said Chapman, seemingly referring to something Obama may have said at a private gathering. “He also said that he didn’t believe in God, or the Beatles. How could he say those things? It just made me so angry.”

Friends of Chapman say that he has been growing increasingly religious, having become a born again Christian in 2012. He was formerly infatuated with President Obama, but became angry when he perceived what he called “Obama’s hypocrisy.”

“He told us to imagine no possessions,” Chapman continued, referring to a song that Obama must have written and recorded in his youth, “and there he was, with millions of dollars and yachts and farms and country estates, laughing at people like me who had believed the lies and bought the records and built a big part of their lives around his music.”

The hypocrisy struck a nerve, especially as he lived by the credo of Holden Caulfield (the protagonist of The Catcher in the Rye), who hated “phonies and phoniness.”

The president released a statement, indicating that he had earlier signed an old school vinyl album that Chapman had for him, and that he “seemed strange, but not like he was going to kill me or anything.”

Photographer Paul Goresh took a photo of Obama signing Chapman’s album, which has gone viral on social media around the globe.

New York Becomes First State to Legalize Heroin

Posted on February 15, 2015 by Justin Birch

NEW YORK, New York –

The state of New York made history this week, following on the heels of the wave of marijuana legalizations across the country. Recreational use of heroin will become fully legal in the state by the end of this year.

The decision was met with controversy, but “no more or less than the original decision to legalize marijuana,” Governor Andrew Cuomo stated. The state is still figuring out some guidelines and ground rules for suppliers, such as purity levels, permits, and health code requirements.

One of the major points in making this decision came from the number of dealers and users of the drug who repeatedly end up in New York’s correctional facilities.

“By legalizing, monitoring, and taxing heroin, we will not only cut down on inmates and care costs, but also open up a whole new job market,” Cuomo explained. “It’s a good situation all around, especially for taxpayers.”

A program is already in its early stages to rehabilitate and compensate imprisoned heroin dealers to return to society and act as the leading distributors, hoping to speed up this process while simultaneously reintroducing inmates to society.

Some of the decision’s most outspoken opponents, however, have been current dealers.

“Making it legal is a terrible idea,” a dealer, who chooses to remain anonymous, told us. “We don’t want it regulated. We make good money how it is now, but regular guys like me won’t be able to keep up with all the government regulations. This is gonna put me out of a job!”

Nonetheless, experts estimate this act will drop the state’s debt by as much as 50% in the first year. This may translate into tax cuts, more public projects, better road maintenance, and possibly even government rehabilitation programs for more dangerous drugs like cigarettes.

Governor Cuomo did not comment on whether or not he is a user himself.

U.S. Prisons to Offer Retirement Pension to Inmates With Good Behavior

Posted on February 15, 2015 by Justin Birch

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

With a federal law enacted last week, all prisons in the United States are now required to offer what is being called a “compensation pension” to inmates who get out on good behavior.

Under this law, any prisoner whose total sentence was reduced by at least 25% due to good behavior is entitled to a retirement pension of $10,000 per year. Lawmakers are hopeful that this will accomplish a few key goals:

First, prisoners will strive for good behavior overall, reducing the need for as much inmate health care, security, and other costs. Secondly, more prisoners will get out sooner, freeing up space for other criminals. Finally, and most importantly, released prisoners will be able to confidently readjust to society.

“What we see with ex-cons is that they can’t get a good enough job to save for retirement, and they start getting hopeless when they realize that. So they end up right back in prison,” a representative from Auburn Prison told us in an interview.

Auburn Prison, located in Auburn, New York, was instrumental in testing the success of this law in its early stages.

“It wasn’t an overnight decision – we had to help prove that it would work,” the same representative said. “9 out of 10 released convicts stayed out. I’d say it works!”

Aside from freeing up resources immediately, the program also prevents later expenses from returning convicts. Since the program still draws on taxpayer money, taxes are expected to double within the next ten years to compensate for the change.

“We’re also hopeful that this will open up some new career paths for people,” one of the key lawmakers stated. “People can drop out of school, live exciting lives of crime, go to prison for twenty or thirty years, and then come out to a nice pension waiting for them. Some people are just cut out for that kind of life, and this makes it more viable.”

Talks are in progress to follow up with a law prohibiting life sentences to capitalize on the new program.