Pres. Obama Orders Millions Of ‘Disposable Coffins’ In Anticipation of Ebola Deaths

Posted on October 15, 2014 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Despite claims from the CDC and other health organizations that the American people are safe from being infected with the very-deadly Ebola virus, President Obama has been secretly stock-piling over $65 million dollars worth of ‘disposable coffins,’ or plastic bins in which people can be contained and buried in the wake of an Ebola epidemic.

The coffins, which were discovered by a pilot in Madison, Georgia, are estimated to be numbered in the millions, a scary thought for a country already panicked by the idea of a deadly virus in their midst.

“I was out flying one day, and I happened over into Madison, just sight-seeing,” said Joseph Goldsmith. “I live in Covington, not too far away from Madison. Over there we got the Vantage Products company, and they already make heavy-duty casket liners for folks who are worried about being eaten alive once they’re dead, for some reason. Anyway, I happened to notice a handful of Vantage trucks pulling into a giant, gated area while I was flying over Madison. There were hundreds of thousands of large, plastic coffins. I turned around and flew the hell home fast. It was unnerving.”

An employee for Vantage Products, who asked not to be named, said that it was true that a large order of pre-fabricated plastic coffins, normally used as liners but specially designed to be used to hold actual remains, had come from someone at the White House.

“The President himself doesn’t sign the check, of course,” said the anonymous employee. “But I can tell you that the order is large, in the millions of dollars and in the tens of millions of actual product. They are preparing for an epidemic of monstrous proportions. It’s clear to me that they know something we don’t.”

Representatives from the White House refused to comment. Health officials from the Center For Disease Control maintain there is nothing to worry about, and that Ebola, although deadly, is very difficult to contract, and it has not, as some conspiracy theorists believe, become an airborne illness.

‘Russianized’ Bees Trained To Attack Ukraine For Russian Military

Posted on October 14, 2014 by DvanL

MOSCOW, Russia –

A Russian whistleblower has spilled the beans on another planned invasion of Ukraine by Russian forces, this time aided by a specially trained and bred species of attack bees.

The ‘Russianized’ bees were housed and trained in what the informant described as “anger hives,” specially constructed to keep the bees constantly agitated and ready for attack.

Through a translator he said, “We interrupted the bees’ sleep and work cycles and sometimes would poke the anger hives with sticks and broom handles. At first we were not given adequate protection to keep us from getting bee stings, and one of our workers had to be hospitalized after he accidentally tipped over one of the bee boxes. I was stung only a few times, but my friend was stung many hundreds of times.”

After the February 14 Ukrainian Revolution, Russia stepped up hardline efforts to re-establish control in the troubled region. Special military forces annexed Crimea, an act that Russian President Vladimir Putin reluctantly admitted after many international inquiries for answers.

It is unclear whether the worldwide collapse of bee populations is connected with Russian bee recruitment efforts, although the unnamed informant did provide some clues as to how the bees were obtained.

“We were ordered to plant many special fields of clover and other plant and flowers that would attract the bees. These orders came directly from President Putin. We sprayed the plants with synthetic bee hormones to attract them, and then with smoke machines and nets we were able to calm and capture them for the hives.”

As for the ‘training,’ it was explained that following the bees’ capture, the anger hives were placed in a greenhouse type structure where they were exposed to bright lights 24 hours a day, with loud ‘Ukrainian style’ music played throughout the day. Teams of ‘box bangers’ were also recruited to agitate the bees. The box bangers would rhythmically hit the hives with sticks at pre-determined times during the day at pre-set intervals timed to coincide with specific musical passages. It was believed that this schedule provided a command structure for the bees, thus making them easier to attack when triggered by the replay of the musical selection.

Russian authorities have denied the story. A spokesman for the Russian military said the charges come from “the delusions of an ex-member of our forces who received what you would call a dishonorable discharge. These absolutely ridiculous rumors came from an individual labeled a misfit. He could not withstand the rigors and discipline of military training.”

At present, it is unclear if bee recruitment and training did progress to the level explained by the informant, as no physical evidence can be found of either the fields used to attract the bees, or the anger hive structures.

“That is not surprising,” said the informant. “Why would they admit such a thing? I saw it with my own eyes and have several bee-stings to prove what I saw is true. Someday the world will know that I am not a crazy person and that I speak the truth,” he added.

Las Vegas Casino Owners, Gaming Commission Seek To Legalize Dog Fighting

Posted on October 12, 2014 by DvanL

LAS VEGAS, Nevada –

The steady decline in revenue affecting many casinos across the country has forced many gaming houses to seek other sources of income. As a result, the gambling industry has been quietly seeking a controversial betting offshoot – legalized and industry regulated dog fighting.

“Think of the images of Michael Vick and everything else that comes to mind when you mention dog fighting,” said Roger Kenny, administrator with the Nevada Gaming Commission. In a press release he stated, “If we regulate dog fighting, promote it as a sport, eventually people will come to accept it, and it will be as common as blackjack or prostitution. We’d like to change the negative perception that certain groups have put out there about the activity,” he said.

It’s going to be an uphill battle. After the Commission’s press release was made public, animal rights groups, including PETA, the ASPCA, and the World Wildlife Foundation all reacted with condemnation of the proposal.

Dog trainer and television host Cesar Millan said, “This is the most inhumane act that I can think of. Dogs are our companions and are among the most intelligent creatures on Earth. Something like this with cats, now that I could understand,” continued Millan. “Put a couple of cats in a boxing ring, maybe with little gloves and helmets – nobody’s going to give a crap, it’s just cats. But with dogs, it’s different – they’re man’s best friend. When I heard this news I wanted to rabidly tear the Commission’s collective throat out.”

Chairman and CEO of Las Vegas Sands Corporation Sheldon Adelson remarked, “From what I’ve been told, I think in foreign countries this kind of thing is already legal. I’m not sure, but if it is, we should try to get in on it here. It would be a sin to let all that revenue just go to the dogs,” he said.

The proliferation of online gambling sites is largely blamed for forcing the gambling industry to think outside the box. Although internet gambling is technically illegal, members of the powerful gaming commission are hiring lobbyists to work overtime in an effort to change that legislation as well.

“Right now it’s a crap shoot,” said Kenny. “But it’s going to be a thing, I’d bet good money on it. After all,” he added with a wink, “every dog has his day.”

Maine Woman Claims ‘It’s the Government’s Fault I’m Lazy’

Posted on October 11, 2014 by Angela Baker

AUGUSTA, Maine –

Candi, 30, of Augusta, Maine, is a career welfare recipient who knows just who to blame for her station in life – and depending on who you ask, it’s either the least or most likely candidate: the US government.

“Honestly, I think it’s all part of the conspiracy to keep the poor white woman down. If Obama would get the economy together and make some better jobs, maybe I’d take one. But what am I going to do, go work at McDonalds, and deal with bitchy customers all day so I can make less than my assistance benefits? F— that,” said Candi, who said she’d only speak with us if we didn’t use her last name, which is Sutphen.

But according to Candi, since she has been out of the working world so long, even McDonalds doesn’t find her to be a worthy candidate. “No one wants to hire you when the last job you had was almost 6 years ago,” she claims. When asked how she got into the welfare system in the first place, Sutphen says the blame lies with Obama.

“He screwed the economy all up as soon as he got into office, and I got laid off from my great call center job. I got unemployment, and at first I did look for work, but after so much rejection, I stopped really trying, and just I’d applied for random jobs I knew were hiring, but I wasn’t even qualified for in the first place. Obama put through so many unemployment extensions, I had a free ride for almost two years.” Candi says by the end of her time on unemployment, she had given birth to a daughter, Emma, and switched over to Maine’s Temporary Assistance for Needy Families program. That was 3 years ago.

“I tell you what. If I ever did have to find a job, like really find a job, I’d make sure they scheduled me just enough so I didn’t lost my benefits. My friend Desiree works full-time, and now she doesn’t qualify for food stamps or heating assistance. She’s more broke now than she ever was before,” stated Candi. “People think my life is easy. Essentially I’m getting paid to sit on Facebook all day. Granted, that’s nice, but it gets boring, and boring is hard. I’m actually very depressed now. After a full day of watching Judge Judy and Maury, I don’t even feel like doing the dishes.”

The TANF program in Maine has a five-year cap on benefits. When asked what she would do after that, Candi answered, “If things keep going on like this I’m going to apply for disability. Either my lungs are gonna go from these cheap cigarettes I’m forced to smoke, or my doctor at the free clinic says I’ll get it for my depression.”

When asked what would help turn things around, Candi brightened a little. “If I had a car I think I’d be happier, and if I was happier I’d be much more motivated to look for work. I mean, we can afford to drop all these bombs, and feed people overseas, but we can’t make sure our own citizens have transportation. That’s seriously messed up,” said Candi. “I’m not asking for anything fancy like a Subaru or nothing. Just something like a Jetta or a Neon, you know? Not too old, though. Yeah, that would truly make me the happiest girl in the world.”

President Obama To Offer Asylum, Health Care Options To ISIS Members

Posted on October 10, 2014 by admin

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

A White House official confirmed this morning that President Barack Obama will be delivering a speech on Friday evening explaining his plan to offer asylum and free health care to ISIS members, with hopes of dismantling the organization by getting members to leave their fellow fighters and home country to seek refuge in the United States.

President Obama, who sources say already expects some backlash on his decision to ‘kill ISIS with kindness,’ says that he feels that he knows what is best for the US, and will be pushing the bill through in the next couple of weeks while Congress takes its recurring 7 week recess.

“I have done many great things as President of this country,” said Obama via written brief statement to the press, “But ISIS members, terrorists in general, they need to know they are not stuck in their evil ways. We as a country have plenty of room to accept all people, and I am opening our borders and our metaphoric arms to them by offering asylum, jobs, and healthcare. Killing them with kindness, breaking down the walls, is what we need to do to beat these villains. I want everyone to love this country as much as I do.”

“I do not agree with the President’s plan. It is moronic. He is inviting some of the cruelest, hate filled people into our country, and then offering them free health care,” said Texas Governor Rick Perry. “If there was ever a way to make your numbers go down in the popularity polls, this would be it.”

President Obama says will go more into detail on Friday about what exactly he plans to offer the former ISIS members that decide to leave their home country and come to the U.S. According to reports, the President expects to start receiving the first refugees by the end of the month.

Johnny Depp Announces Plan To Run For President In 2016

Posted on October 9, 2014 by Raoul Stockton

NEW YORK CITY, New York –

While taking a break from the filming of the Kevin Smith comedy Yoga Hosers, acting icon Johnny Depp told entertainment reporter Sarah Mayer of Inside Entertainment Daily, that he is interested in politics and he plans on throwing his hat into the ring for the 2016 presidential election, which he says will be a great way to be ‘taken seriously.’

“America is screwed up, marijuana is illegal in most states, and the amount of time and money our judicial system spends on non-violent crimes is absolutely astounding. I’m sure people will laugh when they hear I am running for office, but for the most part, I hope to be taken seriously as an aspiring politician,” Depp told Mayer on Tuesday. “I have my film career and musical endeavors, and being president of the United States would be an adventurous side gig.”

Depp has made several controversial comments about the United States in the past, most infamously of which from an interview for the German magazine Stern, where he said “America is dumb, is something like a dumb puppy that has big teeth that can bite and hurt you, aggressive.” Depp said his comment was taken out of context, and that it was his response to how Americans have so much access to powerful things that they often get in over their heads.

Depp says that legalizing marijuana across the board is at the top of his agenda, but there is a lot more that needs to change. “I don’t think school children should be ordered to attend school five days a week, they have fragile little minds. They should go to school on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays, giving their brains time to take in what they have learned the day before. I believe no employer should be allowed to not hire you based on your appearance or make you keep tattoos or piercings covered up. There is not enough individuality in the U.S., this needs to be addressed.” Depp added.

When asked about his chances as being considered a legitimate presidential contender, Depp said that he hoped he would have a better chance than most.

“Have you seen the clowns we have had in office the past fourteen years? Over the past 40 years, even. They are nothing more than puppets. There is zero honesty in U.S. politics today, I intend to put it all out there. If the American people can’t appreciate that, then the social decline will continue,” Depp answered. “I would have never considered putting myself through such a thing, but when you look at the list of contenders for 2016 it is a frightful observation. I am pretty sure that the American people don’t even like any of them.”

It is not the most far-fetched idea for a legendary actor to seek the presidency. Ronald Reagan made the jump after two succesful terms as the 33rd governor of California. In a nutshell, Depp admitted that he probably didn’t stand a chance, but it would indeed be the launching pad into politics, and would perhaps run for governor in his home state of Kentucky. “Within the next year, I will really put my ideas and beliefs out there, I will probably not be considered. But after that who knows, maybe I will run for governor of Kentucky,” Depp said.

The Secret To How ISIS Is Gaining Support And Funds From Around The Globe

Posted on October 9, 2014 by Rab

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Lead investigators from the Department of Defense have finally straightened out how exactly terrorist group ISIS is getting most of their money.

“It’s amazing to me, that this day and age, this idea didn’t occur to us before scraping the bottom of the barrel,” said DOD Defense Secretary Robert Gates. “As it turns out, this militant group are using self-made crowd funding websites to create and distribute their propaganda, and raise funds to continue their reign of terror. They seek support via the internet from regions they know will listen and back their ideals, and then provide links to their internet pages to those areas. They have secretly amassed billions of dollars for weapons, research and development – and lately most has been related to destroying the ‘American Pigs’, who they say should ‘never have gotten involved in their business.'”

With the Pentagon learning of the ISIS crowd funding sources, the Department of Defense has been in a panic. “They are doing crazy things on these sites,” Says Gates. “Just like Kickstarter and most other crowd funding sites, ISIS is offering perks for donations of different levels. The perks start small; ISIS t-shirts and ‘I SUPPORT ISIS’ bumper stickers, but the bigger the donation, the more horrific the perk, including specified bombings and attacks if you donate $250,000 or more. Their end goal is to get enough money to purchase rockets capable of oceanic flight. We are currently looking into which country they may purchase from once they reach their goal.”

After acquiring all of this information, the DOD has now launched a task force whose sole purpose is finding these crowd funding sites and taking them down permanently. “While it doesn’t erase the problem, it definitely puts a damper on their plans,” Says Gates. “We’re actually reaching out to members of Anonymous to help us, which is something I never thought I’d have to say out loud. At this point in time, though, better to help fight a foreign enemy with, essentially, a domestic enemy, than to not fight at all. I just hope we can eradicate the problem before they discover what kinds of support they could gain by creating a Facebook group.”

New Hampshire Town Bans Halloween, Makes Trick-or-Treating Illegal

Posted on October 8, 2014 by Bob The Empire News Potato

LIVERMORE, New Hampshire –

Livermore, a small town in Grafton County, New Hampshire, has become national news today after town residents have voted to not only ban Halloween activities from their schools, but also to make the act of trick-or-treating illegal. The beloved activity for many children, held annually on October 31st, was officially made a misdemeanor within town limits on Wednesday.

Town mayor Bob Appel explained the decision to the press early Wednesday morning, saying that banning candy and Halloween from within the schools was ‘not enough’ to keep their children safe from ‘mental harm.’

“Halloween is a dangerous holiday, filled with Satan, Pagan rituals, and dirty, filthy mischievous acts,” said Appel. “For many years, children of this town were allowed to participate in Halloween parties at school, but with those parties the ghosts, goblins, demons, and other evil spirits that all go against the Bible. The younger kids were frightened, and the older kids wanted to know all about Halloween, and its sinister, anti-Christian beginnings.”

The town voted to ban Halloween parties from schools and other public establishments in 2005. This year, though, will mark the first time that trick-or-treating will be completely abolished within town limits.

“Anyone caught trick-or-treating, or any homes that try to give out candy, will be ticketed with solicitation charges, a misdemeanor,” said Appel. “For entertainment, children should sit at home and study the Bible, or work on school projects. Halloween is an unholy night that I, personally, am glad to have had a hand in stopping in our little town.”

“I hated that on Halloween, I almost felt obligated to give out candy, lest I be tricked with rolls of T.P in my trees,” said Margaret Hamilton, a resident in Livermore. “This year I can finally relax in peace, with no little hooligans to bother me. I’d rather just keep my children home than have them out there with others who could be expressing themselves dangerously through costume and satan worship.”

“Personally, I think it’s bulls—,” said Cassandra Peterson, mother of 3 boys in Livermore public schools. “I love Halloween, and so do my boys. We all loved dressing up, watching scary movies, and going out for candy. Hell, we’re not even Christian. I guess we’ll head over a town or two and trick-or-treat there. They can’t ban it everywhere.”

“Just add Livermore to the top of the list of safe, Halloween-free towns,” said Appel. “You’ll never find poison candy or a razor blade in an apple here like you do in those other towns, that’s for sure.”

Osama bin Laden Found Alive In Pennsylvania Amish Community

Posted on October 3, 2014 by Raoul Stockton

LANCASTER COUNTY, Pennsylvania –

Spokesperson Mikal Anaba of the National Security Agency has confirmed that Osama bin Laden was not killed by Seal Team Six as originally thought, as has been found living in an Amish community located in Lancaster, Pennsylvania.

“We have been following leads for the past several months based on the belief that Osama bin Laden was alive and well, and living in the United States. After several tips about a man toting around a ‘machine’ in an Amish community in Pennsylvania, a thorough investigation revealed that this was indeed bin Laden, and the machine in question was a dialysis machine,” Anaba told the Associated Press early this morning.

From 2001 to 2011, bin Laden was the prime target of the United States’ war on terror. The Federal Bureau of Investigation put a $25 million bounty on bin Laden as ‘America’s Most Wanted’ killer. On May 2, 2011, it had been believed that bin Laden was shot and killed inside his private residence in Abbottabad, Pakistan by members of the United States Naval Special Warfare Development Group in a covert operation ordered by United States President Barack Obama.

Spokesperson Anaba did not reveal where bin Laden was being held currently, but insisted that ‘swift action’ would be taken, and the mastermind terrorist would be dealt with immediately.

“He will be handled in a timely manner, as soon as it is declared that he can not or will not provide any useful information on the current state of terrorism,” Anaba stated.

Many Americans had been feeling that bin Laden may be alive after the so-called raid and shooting had taken place in 2011, and no photographic or video proof has surfaced to prove that he was, indeed, deceased. When asked whether there would be evidence to prove to the American people that this was indeed Osama bin Laden, Anaba told the press, “I promise to you that we have Osama bin Laden in custody, this is strictly an operation of the United States government and it will be handled within our own walls.”

“Can we provide proof? Of course we can,” continued Anaba. “We can always provide proof when we need to. Will we provide proof? It is not our job to decide. That will be up to President Obama and his administration. Until then, I can only confirm that Osama bin Laden is in the custody of the United States government and that he will be handled and dealt with a very swift manner of action.”

Speculation of bin Laden’s acquaintance to the terror group known as ISIS has been considered since it was discovered he was living in the United States, however Anaba denied to comment on the matter.

“I cannot confirm nor deny that we may or may not believe ISIS is connected with Osama bin Laden. This issue will not be addressed in a public manner at this time,” Anaba added. “To be quite honest, you’re all lucky we’re even telling you that we found him in the first place. This whole thing could have been really hush-hush, and you’d all just assume he’d been dead since 2011. Next time you think your government is hiding secrets from you, remember this situation and know that – okay, yeah, we keep things from you all the time. Never mind.”

‘Political Vigilante’ Removes Campaign Signs From Public Areas

Posted on October 2, 2014 by Bob The Empire News Potato

DULUTH, Minnesota –

Across the entire country, political and campaign signs begin being stuck into grounds in late September and early October, gearing up for a very-public election season. Homeowners who want to show support for their party candidate or candidates often put signs in front of their own homes. Business owners often stupidly do the same, cutting off half of their clientele by openly displaying a preference to one candidate or another. The rest of the signs, though, are placed – and usually overly saturated – on public roadsides, town squares, and anywhere else there may be a tuft of grass to prop a sign.

Although nearly every town in the country has laws against placing these ‘election litter’ signs on public property, few get removed, as towns don’t have the time or money to send someone to toss them. Because of this, one Duluth, Minnesota man has taken the problem into his own hands, and has gone out every night for the last two weeks, removing hundreds and hundreds of political ads and signs that have been strewn across his hometown.

“To be quite honest, the signs are just ugly, and it’s some straight-up bulls— that they are strewn all around, cluttering up the scenery,” said Carl Meadows, who Duluth residents are calling their ‘political vigilante.’ “No one likes these signs. They are just stupid. I also can’t figure out what the point of them really is. If you’re a Republican, you’re probably going to vote Republican. Ditto that for Democrats. Everyone else votes for their candidate of choice. There is no one – and I mean no one – throughout the history of time, who has voted based on who had more signs littering the town.”

Meadows, 53, has lived in Duluth his entire life, and he says he never remembers the littering done by the campaign teams to be as bad as it’s gotten the last few years.

“Two years ago, I spent the day mowing and cleaning up my yard. I went to bed, pretty proud of how my yard looked after a hard day out there. The next morning, I woke up, and there were 14 campaign signs in my yard. I nearly burst a vein I was so damn angry.”

Meadows is not alone in his hatred for the signs. Many residents in most towns say that they are ‘disturbed’ by how much trash these elections really create.

“It’s really just too in-your-face, you know?” said Eileen James, a Duluth resident. “We are bombarded by stupid ads on TV, then we leave our homes, and every other house and business has a sign. I don’t fault an individual for wanting to support a candidate, and what you do to your own property is your business. But I tell you, these politicians use their constituents as a dick-swinging contest. ‘Oh, whoever puts out the most signs has the bigger political penis.’ It’s asinine.”

According to research by the Political Research and Knowledge Foundation in Boston, no person has ever seen a political ad or campaign sign and changed their mind about who they were voting for. Their research shows that anyone who is that stupid probably shouldn’t have been considering the idea of voting in the first place.