HASBRO Threatens ISIS With Lawsuit, Claims Copyright Infringement

Posted on September 6, 2014 by skullman

PAWTUCKET, Rhode Island –

In a press release from international toy company Hasbro, company executives say that are ‘strongly considering’ a lawsuit against militant terrorist group ISIS, who the company says have ‘stolen the look and nature’ of G.I. Joe characters COBRA.

“For decades, G.I. Joe have been the ‘Real American Heroes,’ and they have fought against their nemesis COBRA, a group of violent terrorists who often wear hooded masks while performing their heinous tasks,” said George Prime, legal spokesman for HASBRO. “With the recent media coverage of the soulless terrorist group ISIS in Iraq and Syria, we were able to get a rather good look at their wardrobe, and we couldn’t believe that they’d resign to using COBRA costumes.”

HASBRO has owned the creative rights to G.I. Joe since 1964, and the toy line has seen many iterations, including action figures, a Saturday morning cartoon, and more recently, a series of feature films.

“Throughout all of it, though, we have owned the rights to names and likenesses, and that includes dark, hooded masks, at least when they are being used in a terrorist or menacing nature,” said Prime.

The company has sent an ultimatum to ISIS leaders to change their look, or they will bring legal action.

ISIS, short for the militant group named Islamic State in Iraq and Syria, have been waging an offensive that have seen large chunks of Northern Iraq fall out of government hands. ISIS is an al Qaeda splinter group that wants to establish an Islamic state that would stretch from Iraq into northern Syria.

“In the G.I. Joe world, COBRA is run by an evil, shadowy figure aptly named Cobra Commander. In the real world, ISIS is also run by a shadowy operative, and although it is not 100% known if he partakes in the same dark headwear often, one can only assume that he’s taking cues directly from our action figure line. We at HASBRO can only hope that they are, because in the end that means those monstrous sons of bitches will be quickly dispatched by real military heroes.”

HASBRO says that they have sent multiple messages to try to meet with ISIS leaders, but to no avail.

‘Key To The City’ Opens Bank Safe; Town Funds Go Missing

Posted on September 4, 2014 by DvanL

BRENTSVILLE, Tennessee –

“He seemed like a great guy,” said Mayor Sam Cannon, formerly of Brentsville, Tennessee. “Mayor Sam,” as everyone in town calls him, didn’t move away from Brentsville; Brentsville moved away from him.

It all began last spring, when “Uncle Joe, Motivational Surgeon” came to town.

“I never heard of that before,” said Carol Cannon, First Lady of what was once Brentsville. “He said he cured bad moods with laughter and joy medicine. That was his ‘surgery.’ Everyone liked him – children, the shut-ins, even our town sourpuss managed to smile when Uncle Joe came around.”

Joe Castle, the self-described “Motivational Surgeon” was just what the town of Brentsville needed. In 2008, the town’s candle factory went out of business after the price of wax tripled. When the factory shut down, it seemed as though the soul of the town shut down with it. One month later, “Uncle Joe” showed up with a suitcase and a twinkle in his eye.

“He did birthday parties for free, he sang songs at the retirement home, he even donated the most blood at our Founder’s Day blood drive,” said Mayor Sam. “I thought he was gonna pass out.”

“He never missed a trick,” added Carol. He remembered everything — always asking how people were doing in your family — we felt we had to do something for him. That’s when I got the idea to give him the key to the city. I just took this old key I found, and spray painted it gold and put some sparkles on it. I’m into arts and crafts. This whole thing is all my fault,” she sighed.

“Uncle Joe” never missed a trick indeed. He noticed the name stamped on the back of the key – “Brentsville Safe Co.” – the very same safe company that manufactured the bank’s main vault on Main Street.

“We had a big celebration at Brentsville Park. We haven’t had a parade like that in this town since the President came to town. President Roosevelt, I mean,” said the Mayor. “The next morning we got up and everything was gone. He wiped us out. That bastard played us like a fiddle!” he said.

“Language, Sam!” admonished Carol.

“I don’t care, that’s what he was, a two-faced, snake oil selling bastard! He took everything we had, including the town charter and incorporation papers! Bastard, bastard, bastard!”

After regaining his composure, Mayor Cannon said Uncle Joe was probably an old-school ‘flim-flam’ man who found out the candle factory had gone out of business, then decided to take advantage of the good nature of a vulnerable town.

“Just can’t trust people anymore,” said Cannon. “Now we have to merge with Barkley Heights, across the river. Bad enough they beat us in wrestling every year. If that candle factory hadn’t gone out of business, we’d be ok. I blame the wax lobby fat cats up in Washington.”

“Oh, Sam,” said Carol. “There’s no such thing. C’mon inside and have a cup of tea. After all, it’s not the end of the world.”

Sam followed Carol inside the house. “Bastard!” he exclaimed, as he slammed the screen door behind him.

Transgender Teacher Sues School Board; Wants To Share Bathroom With Children

Posted on September 2, 2014 by mike the inkman

MONTPELIER, Vermont –

A male-to-female transgender elementary school teacher is suing her school district after being denied access to the female bathroom facilities. Ronda McCracken, born Robert McCracken, a post-op third grade teacher for Montpelier Public Schools, has filed a civil suit claiming discrimination and emotional damages. Named in the suit are Montpelier Public Schools and Superintendent of Education Marshall Peterson.

“Until this year, Ronda McCracken was employed by Montpelier Public Schools under the name ‘Robert McCracken.’ Over the break, Mr. McCracken underwent gender reassignment surgery and reported in to last weeks Board of Education meeting as a female,” said Principal Richard Belding. “Being an equal opportunity employer, and in appreciation of McCracken’s years of service to the school system, Superintendent Peterson informed Ms. McCracken that Montpelier Schools would be glad to allow her to retain the position that she had previously held as a man. The one condition was that Ms. McCracken would refrain from using the women’s restrooms on school grounds. The Board felt that it would be more appropriate for Ms. McCracken to use the unisex restroom located in the teacher’s lounge. Ms. McCracken seemed to be fine with the decision initially, but later placed a call to the Superintendent stating that she felt she was being discriminated against. She was informed that, unfortunately, the Board could not see fit to reverse the decision for fear of public backlash. Ms. McCracken then filed suit against the Board.”

According to the Associated Press, when asked about the suit, Ms. McCracken had no problem sharing her opinion.

“I just felt like they [Montpelier Public Schools] were discriminating against me for something that was beyond my control. I was born a woman, I just had the wrong equipment. There is a long history of discrimination in this country, and I feel these people need to be held accountable for their bigoted actions. There is no reason, besides unwarranted prejudice, that a woman should not be allowed to use the restroom with other females.”

Some of the Montpelier parents had a different point of view. Carl Mitchum, father of two elementary age students in Montpelier Schools, shared his opinion with Empire News.

“Robert McCracken was born a man. All this gay and lesbian equal rights talk is fine by me, but at the same time, I don’t want a grown man winding up in a bathroom with my eight year old daughter. It’s not safe, and it is a precedent that we can not allow to be set.”

Other parents of children at the school were not nearly as kind in their opinions.

“I don’t want that freak in the bathroom with those poor girls. There is too much risk. If God had wanted a Ronda McCracken, then Ronda McCracken would have been born, not made by soulless doctors. She should have her teaching license pulled,” Said Michael Baxter, a local Baptist minister. “The Lord will not abide this type of sin.”

The suit is set to be heard before Circuit Judge Jasper Billings on the first of next month.

“I just hope this can all be resolved,” Ms. McCracken said. “Sure, I had a penis, and sure I’ve had sex with women, but that is no reason to keep me from being in the same bathroom as little girls. Maybe people don’t understand my lifestyle, but they don’t have to me so mean. The idea that we should tell our children what gender they are is outdated. These people are ignorant bigots. Maybe my vagina is man-made, and maybe I have different ideas about what turns me on, but maybe your daughters do, too. Maybe I can talk to them about it in the bathroom.”

Death Row Inmate’s Request Granted For ‘Progressive Dinner’ Last Meal

Posted on September 1, 2014 by DvanL

PUTNAM COUNTY, Florida –

Florida Governor Rick Scott quietly approved death row inmate Del Berkley’s wish to attend a progressive dinner as per his last meal request.

Berkley, convicted of homicide and armed robbery in 2008, made the request earlier this month to reportedly “spice things up” from his usual drab prison meal routine before his scheduled execution.

The progressive dinner was held last week in a neighborhood not far from the Putnam County Sheriff’s Office House of Corrections. A review of the meal, written by Berkley, was published in the prison’s newsletter under the column “Bars and Spoons.”

“Overall it was good,” wrote Berkley. We started with a light course of appetizers at the “X” family’s neat suburban home. Nice big windows. Easy access. No guard dog.”

To be honest,” Berkley wrote, “this first course of mini entrées kind of suffered — I couldn’t choke down that tiny puffed tuna casserole. ‘And you thought my stare was cold and icy!’ I said to the hostess. ‘I’m never coming back here again!’ On the upside, I was allowed a glass of wine, which sure beats the crap out of the stuff I usually make in my toilet, that’s for damn sure! I really appreciated that.”

After a head count, the meal progressed to destination number two.

The “Y” family decided to make me feel ‘at home,’ so they went with a prison-themed dinner for the main course,” wrote Berkley. “They wore striped shirts and had these little plastic chains around their ankles which ticked me off a little at first, but I took it all in stride. After all, I didn’t want to come off as some kind of death row ingrate,” he said.

“The tin cups were funny and I gotta admit, the Y’s were very original with the dishes. We started with a towering Big House salad, then we had the Pork Shank Redemption, and to finish me off, I enjoyed a cup of Midnight Espresso. To call this meal a guilty pleasure would only be a half-truth,” he added.

The next part of the meal was the dessert course. “I wondered if I could force it all down after all that food! I was so full, I thought I was gonna die! Talk about ‘dead man walking’ – I practically had to be carried out to the van! After thanking my hosts, I was transported to my final destination.”

Unbelievably, the dessert was ‘Death By Chocolate Cake.’ “It was a complete coincidence,” said Berkley. “Mrs. ‘Z’ told me that she had planned her menu far in advance of my visit to her ADT Alarm protected ranch style home with the sliding glass doors adjacent to the attached garage which leads to the laundry room,” he said.

After the meal, when Berkley was transported back to the correctional facility, more good news awaited him. Due to the national shortage of lethal chemicals used in the humane execution process, his scheduled execution was indefinitely delayed.

“Is this an execution or a hunger strike?” asked Stefanie Fales, heartbroken widow of Martin Fales, Berkley’s homicide victim. “I’m calling my Congressman and the Governor!” she said.

“I can’t believe it,” said Berkley upon hearing the news. “I’m sitting here full as a tick, happy as a clam. True, it’s going to be an awful comedown once that plastic tray comes sliding through that slot tomorrow morning with those powdered eggs, but, … you can’t have everything!”

Priest Accused of Molestation; Upset He Confused Tomboy For Actual Boy

Posted on August 29, 2014 by DvanL

ATLANTA, Georgia –

The Roman Catholic Church sex abuse scandal added another dark chapter to its history, months after Pope Francis reaffirmed his commitment to expose and root out predatory priests from within the Church.

This latest alleged incident involves Father Francis X. O’Toole, of the Archdiocese of Atlanta. O’Toole was placed under arrest after a guardian of the alleged victim notified authorities that an act of inappropriate touching had taken place.

Hank Sheffield, feature reporter for Atlanta’s WSB-TV, obtained raw footage of O’Toole’s transfer from a police holding cell to an awaiting Atlanta Department of Corrections van. “I yelled over and asked if he had any remorse for the victim or anything he’d like to say to her. He looked surprised and said ‘What? Her? You said her. It was a girl?’ He looked at me like I had two heads!”

Sheffield later obtained an exclusive prison interview with O’Toole, in exchange for the priest’s cooperation with authorities in providing details of other alleged acts of abuse.

“I feel awful,” said O’Toole. “I don’t know how I could have done this. I don’t mean the touching — I’ve been doing that for years. I’m sick in the head, for Christ’s sake! What I mean is I touched a girl – er, allegedly touched I mean. I can’t believe it. I’m out of control. I need to be sent away somewhere, to a place where I can’t even touch myself,” he acknowledged.

“When I told him that a crime against a child is a crime no matter who or what the sex of the victim is,” said Sheffield, “he basically got what I was saying, but he still seemed upset about mistaking the girl for a boy, and not about committing this awful crime on a kid. My crew and I were pretty much sick to our stomachs when the interview was over.”

The personable reporter has been a familiar presence to Atlanta area viewers for the past 2 decades. In more than 25 years, he’s never reported on a story like this.

“When I started out, the most controversial thing I covered was when the Berlin Wall opened up. I hate to sound like that old guy on his front porch, but this world has changed a lot. I had a talk with our news director about whether we should run this segment at all,” said Shefield, “but we decided it was better to expose the crime here, rather than keep it hidden.”

Congress Approves Bill That Will Offer Free Automobiles To Welfare Recipients

Posted on August 29, 2014 by Raoul Stockton

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Yesterday the White House announced its plan to offer free motor vehicles to welfare recipients, after congress passed the bill in a narrow vote. The program, initiated by President Barrack Obama, is very similar to what is now widely known to the public as “The Obama Phone,” where welfare recipients can get free cell phone service through a subsidized program. Some are even already referring to the free vehicle program as “The Obama Car.”

White House press secretary Josh Earnest announced the launching of the program in a late press briefing yesterday evening. “The free automobile program gives low-income Americans the opportunity to take ownership of a vehicle at no cost, and will also include a monthly gas card for $100. Any United States Citizen receiving welfare benefits qualifies for the program, which will be starting on January 5, 2015.” said Earnest.

Senate minority leader Mitch McConnell told reporters that this will be the downfall of President Obama. “This absurd plan that the democrats have conjured up is beyond belief. I have no idea how or why congress passed this. But I will tell you this, it is the beginning of the end for the Obama administration, Americans are fed up, and they are being called to the post,” McConnell said. “It is only a matter of time before the impeachment hearings begin, mark my words.”

Earnest said in the briefing that the campaign is intended to help unemployed Americans find secure employment, and ultimately will cause the unemployment rate to drop significantly. “Every American deserves the right to possess the ability to get themselves to a good job. Public transportation is very limited for most of the unemployed, especially in rural areas. This free vehicle assistance program is designed to change the way Americans are currently living. The President will sign the bill later this week, and the planning will be put into motion.” Earnest said.

There is sure to be public outrage along with intense approval from American citizens. John Humphries, a Washington D.C. tourist from Huntsville, Alabama thought that news of the “Obama Car” program was a joke.

“You have got to be kidding me, I thought you were joking,” Humphries told Empire News correspondent DeVante Williamson. “What next? All we are doing is giving criminals and scum of the Earth the wheels to make their drug deals while using their Obama-phones to set the deals up. People who really want to work, find a way to get to work, they always have. The unemployed are just lazy and make zero effort to find steady work. They want the easy way out, and our so-called government gives it to them. This is ridiculous.”

Juanita Jenkins of Albany, New York disagrees. “I think it is an excellent thing our government is doing. There are plenty of unemployed Americans who just cannot get to a job. This is sure to improve the steadily improving economy. I am not on welfare myself, but I have been considering quitting my job and applying for assistance while I look for a better job. I guess that means I’ll be in line for a car, too,” Jenkins said eagerly.

Earnest also told the press that the types of vehicles used for the program will be various American-made models, older than five years, but no more than ten years old. Once welfare recipients receive their automobile they will be given a gas card similar to that of the food stamp (SNAP) card, which will be loaded monthly with $100 credit to be used at popular chain gas stations.

Bankruptcy Filings Soar As Street Dealers Cope With Marijuana Legalization Laws

Posted on August 28, 2014 by DvanL

NEW YORK CITY, New York –

Twenty-one states and the District of Columbia have legislation regarding marijuana legalization in active committee. What may be a boon for increased state tax revenue and for sellers of home gardening supplies, is apparently tipping the scales in the other direction for local independent street dealers, many of whom are feeling the pinch.

“All of our new bankruptcy clients now are walking in off the street, wanting to file,” says Lance Powell, financial advisor and bankruptcy attorney. “When we ask what they did for a living, more and more say ‘I was a dealer’ or ‘I sold weed on the corner.’ It’s crazy. It’s good for my business, but it means it’s bad for somebody else’s,” he added.

“Used to be I could just stick my big toe out the window, and customers came ‘round,” said struggling dealer known locally as ‘Freeman the Treeman.’ Now, I can’t get arrested! It’s a damn shame,” he said.

Local bottle and can collector Lee Fan, known for her shopping carts towering with impossibly balanced plastic bags filled with returnable water bottles, soda and beer cans, is also suffering. “Everybody picks up bottles now, not good for me, not good for my income. Dealers can’t sell street marijuana so much, so now they pick up bottles. Free money. Streets are much cleaner, but now I take a big loss,” she said, guiding her now half-empty carriages in a sad trail down the street.

Effects are also felt below city sidewalks and penetrate far down into local subway systems. Rider Mabel Watson, standing beside her Lower Manhattan Seventh Avenue subway entrance, had this to say: “With all these laws getting more and more relaxed, street people have to change jobs. Me, I got glaucoma in my eye, but now I got a voucher to go to the drugstore to get mine instead of all this street mess.”

“So,” continued Watson, “I see my local man, ‘PuffPuff’ down in the train the other day sellin’ candy like the kids do to raise money. Probably the first real job he ever had, but anyway he comes up to me and says, ‘where you been Mabel?’ and I tell him I don’t need him no more. He gets all in my face, tells me ‘Buy some of my candy then! It’s only a dollar, bitch! I mean, ma’am,’ — like that’s gonna make it all right! I bought 2 peanut M&Ms and some DOTS just to get that fool out my face!”

“It’s incredible how many things are affected,” said Powell, as he processed another bankruptcy claim for a new client, nicknamed Mr. Kush. See that guy leaving right now? He used to own this neighborhood. Cars, fancy clothes, everything. Now he comes in here almost broke. Never thought I’d see the day when all this would change so fast. I’m swamped,” said Powell, eyes bloodshot and glassy. “It’s from all this extra work and no sleep, honest,” he added, as he returned to a growing stack of new claim forms.

Canada Decides They Don’t Want Hockey to be Their ‘Thing’ Anymore

Posted on August 27, 2014 by carriesnotscary

OTTAWA, Canada –

Earlier this week, members of Canadian parliament held a press conference in Ottawa to announce that they’re sick and tired of hockey being their “thing.” Since no one really knows who they’re political leaders are, or that they even have a government, they invited their most famous celebrities, all of whom live in America, star in American films, and produce American music, to make the important announcement.

“Isn’t it ironic that Canadians are so nice but hockey is a violent sport?,” famous Canadian Alanis Morissette sang to kick off the conference. “Seriously, though,” Morissette said in a speaking voice.

“We’re cold and we’re tired and we’re really nice. Is there a sport about being really nice?,” famous Canadian Seth Rogen asked.

The suggestions Canada listed as possibilities to be their new “thing” include Helping Friends Move, Feeding Ducks, Sitting Patiently for Hours, Collecting Spoons, Taking Long Walks, Making Tiny Ships in Jars, Providing Shooting Locations for the Earlier Seasons of The X-Files, or Exporting Maple Candies.

Some Canadian celebrities even threw in suggestions of their own. “Can we steal bobsledding from the Jamaicans? It just makes more sense,” famous Canadian Ryan Gosling said. Gosling is also a strong supporter of the tiny ships in the bottles. “I’ve seen them. They’re very real and very majestic.”

Canada is the country above the United States, to the right of Alaska. Ottawa is the capital of Canada. They’ve always been really good at hockey. Some famous Canadians who also attended the conference include Avril Lavigne (advocate for Collecting Spoons), Cobie Smulders, Ryan Reynolds (advocate for Helping Friends Move), Robin Thicke, James Cameron, Rachel McAdams, Michael Cera, and Hayden Christensen (strong advocate for the unlisted thing of ‘Lots of Of Regret and Shame’). Leonardo DiCaprio attended the conference as a non-Canadian supporter of the cause to ditch hockey.

“Hockey is pretty cool and all, but Americans have made it their thing now, too,” said DiCaprio. “Let’s get Canada their own thing once again.”

Bogus Psychic ‘Knew All Along’ He Would Be Outed, Jailed

Posted on August 24, 2014 by DvanL

WAUSEON, Ohio –

Trent Mattias, self-proclaimed psychic, investment advisor, and spiritual healer, was sentenced to a 7 to 15 year prison term yesterday, after being found guilty of fraud, misrepresentation and multiple counts of tax evasion.

“I knew all along this was going to happen someday,” said Mattias. “It was only a matter of time before what I always knew was going to happen, really happened.”

Mattias’ admission came after an almost 20-year career marked by false identities, several failed business ventures, and a string of highly questionable investment schemes. “Things were going good for while,” said Mattias. “I had a great life and all the things that went with it. I don’t know, but I guess now I know what I should have known. It just couldn’t last as long as I thought I knew it could.”

During an interview from his Fulton County holding cell, Mattias revealed that several of his friends eventually became aware of his illegal activities. “I told them I already knew what they were gonna say and that they were right, but I was so far into it, I couldn’t get out. I knew that. Times like these, you find out the difference between your real friends, and the friends you thought you knew were your real friends.”

One of Mattias’ former clients, who requested anonymity, contacted authorities after the mock psychic swindled him out $16,000. “That was my nest-egg and my whole life savings. It was a terrible thing that happened to me. He’s a real smooth talker,” the victim continued, “and I figured he was on the level. All of a sudden he started coming up with excuses about where all my money was, and all the big cash he always said was just around the corner never showed up for me.”

During the sentencing hearing, Mattias appeared remorseful as he addressed several of his victims who were in attendance. “I just want to say to everybody who came to me for advice, I let you down. Take my advice and always trust your instincts. If something doesn’t feel right, don’t do it. If I knew then what I know now, things would be a lot different and we probably wouldn’t be here today. Looking back, I know that now and I apologize.”

As he was led from the courtroom, Mattias remarked, “Like that song goes, “Que sera, sera — whatever will be, will be.”

Mattias’ will be eligible for parole at a future date not yet set by officials.

Arizona To Confine Immigrants In ‘Americanization Camps’

Posted on August 24, 2014 by mike the inkman

PHOENIX, Arizona –

The State of Arizona is in the news this week with what experts are saying is the most racist piece of legislation since World War II. Already known for their harsh anti-immigration stance and for the kooky escapades of Sheriff Joe Arpaio, the state is taking things a step further with a new law requiring that all immigrants must spend time in ‘Americanization Camps’ where they will learn English, and be quarantined temporarily to ensure that they aren’t introducing any diseases into America. ‘Sheriff Joe’, who had little to do with the law, does happen to be a big supporter.

“Hell yes I support this law! This is America, contrary to what the popular belief is these days, and if you want to live here, you had damn well better act like an American. There is no reason whatsoever that citizens of this country should have to tiptoe around and learn the language of an immigrating culture. I’ve heard grumblings from the Indian population about European immigrants, and to be honest, they’re one hundred percent correct. If we handle this influx of Mexicans in the same passive way that the Indians handled the Europeans, we’ll suffer the same fate that they did. We’ll be overrun and bred out. That is why this idea of ‘assimilation before citizenship’ appeals to me.”

Basically, the law states that all immigrants who will reside in Arizona will be ‘confined and educated’ for an undetermined amount of time. Supporters of the law claim that the confinement will not be unpleasant, and that the faster they learn the language and customs, the faster they will be released into society. Opponents of the law are uneasy with the ‘undetermined amount of time’ that the immigrants will be detained.

“It’s a slippery slope,” Said State Senator Maria Lopez. “How long before this gets abused? Imprisoning people for no other reason than their ethnicity is not just wrong, it’s illegal.”

The Law is set to go into effect on January 1st, 2015, provided that it isn’t declared unconstitutional by congress. The American Civil Liberties Union has major concerns with setting such a dangerous precedent.

“We plan to do everything in our power to ensure that this racist, garbage legislation is overturned,” Said Gerald Brewster, President of the Arizona chapter of the ACLU. “This is worse than the Japanese internment camps in the forties. At least there was a war then, a legitimate fear. It doesn’t excuse it, but at least there was some reason for the hysteria. This law is based solely on racial prejudice. It is completely disgusting.”

Sheriff Joe just laughs about the liberal concerns.

“They always worry so much about the rights of people who haven’t earned any rights. They cried when I put prisoners in tents in the desert. Well, those guys get out of there and they don’t want to come back. Plus it saves big money for the taxpayers that actually follow the laws. This law will do lots of good if it is allowed to do its job.”