‘Price Is Right’ Superfan Drowns In Hot Tub He Received As Prize

Posted on October 17, 2014 by DvanL

VENTURA, California –

Ted Bosworth was a dedicated husband, father, and self-described ‘ultimate superfan’ of The Price Is Right, the iconic daytime game show known for its legion of enthusiastic fans.

Bosworth attended so many tapings of the show, that audience coordinators knew him by name. He was at Bob Barker’s final show in 2007, and just last year, the ultimate superfan’s dream came true – he was selected to “come on down!” and become one of 4 lucky audience members to join ‘Contestant’s Row.’

Bosworth had dreamed of this moment for years. “He loved the show ever since we were kids,” said Bosworth’s younger brother, Al. “It’s like he was always preparing for it. Life’s just not fair sometimes,” said Al, “I mean what happened to him. Life’s just not fair.”

Ted bid on the first prize of the day, a state-of-the-art hot tub, and was indeed, the contestant who came closest to the ‘actual retail price without going over.’ “That was no surprise,” said Al. “We watched the show so many times, he always came closest when we watched at home. He bid, and he won.”

“After he won,” continued Al, “it was like watching a kid waiting for Christmas. It took a few weeks for the tub to be delivered, so he got the space all ready in the backyard, fixing it up and getting the plumbing done. When they came to install it, we almost had to tie him down. Deb [Ted’s wife] told me he didn’t sleep the whole night before.”

“We were planning a big party for the ‘Christening.’ That’s what we called it – people were coming over for the first hot tub party that night,” said Al. We were all out getting food and drinks and Ted stayed home testing it out, and that’s when the accident happened.”

The “accident” Al refers to was an all-too-common household mishap – slipping and falling in the tub. “We got back home and I knew something was wrong. The house was too quiet. I went back out to the patio and that’s when I found him. He must have slipped and hit his head and went under. We called 911, but I knew it was too late even when I was pulling him out of the tub.”

Paramedics were unable to revive Bosworth and he was pronounced dead at the scene.

“We drained the tub and took it out the next week. It was too painful to keep it around but we planted a tree out back to remember.”

“I couldn’t watch the show anymore for about 6 months, but one day I thought about it and decided that Ted would want me to move on and watch it again, since we both had so much fun enjoying it over the years. It’s like he’s here when the show’s on,” he added.

Johnny Manziel Looks Ahead To Career As Sports Broadcaster

Posted on October 7, 2014 by Ross Crain

CLEVELAND, Ohio –

Following in the steps of former college greats like Tim Tebow, Johnny Manziel is working tirelessly to perfect his diction and stockpile quirky synonyms for dynamic touchdowns. During a recent press conference, Manziel talked about his future within the sport, looking ahead at a future in broadcasting.

“The reality is I’m lucky to be here. There are really, really talented and strong guys out there, and obviously I’m just not one of them. I can say some funny stuff, and make that ‘money’ sign with my hands, though. So I got that going for me,” said Manziel. “I have no allusions at all. I know I am built like an athletic Frodo Baggins. Now that’s great for Hobbits in a hairy foot race, but absolutely useless in the NFL. Thankfully, I got some pretty cool one-liners and catch phrases. Take ‘Johnny Football’ for example. I made that up myself. I can do nicknames for everybody someday.”

The charismatic college star couldn’t contain himself, and wouldn’t even stop to answer questions being poised by the reporters in the room. “I’m totally going to act like I can actually play in this league for now, though. Hell, I might even get lucky and ‘Tebow’ a few games. You know, when you win a few and everyone is like, ’What? How did that happen? That guy is a total fluke!’ That’s what a ‘Tebow’ is,” explain Manziel.

When asked about Manziel’s comments, Tim Tebow, a current free agent who has played for the New York Jets and the Denver Broncos, confirmed Manziel’s claim. “Yeah I got really, really lucky and everyone knows it. I mean, neither of us have any reason to be near a football game at all unless we are in TV studio commenting on athletes that are doing things that we will just never be able to do, or watching at home with some chips and a beer.”

85-Year-Old Woman Gives Berth On Steamship

Posted on September 19, 2014 by IHacklesworth

THE OPEN SEA, Worldwide –

An 85-year-old woman surprised everyone aboard the ship the Queen Mary bound to New York from England when she gave berth on board. The vessel’s captain, Dmitri Vasilov, said that in all his many voyages he has never seen anything like it. And that she gave berth to two youngsters defies the imagination.

“Imagine that!” said Vasilov by ship to shore telephone, “At her age to give berth to anyone, let along two young ones, that is one for the books!”

Widow Margo Frammis of Brooklyn, New York, was returning home from a visit with relatives in Wales when a young couple on their honeymoon approached her with a predicament. It seems that the ship company had given them a berth designed for a single person in their small stateroom. For the first several nights of the voyage they made do, but now they found that the accommodations were completely unsatisfactory.

The couple, identified as the new Mr. and Mrs. Jerry Hampton of Secaucus, New Jersey, asked if Mrs. Frammis would consider giving her berth to them, as the captain had told them her berth was one of the more spacious berths on board.

“I had a terrible crick in my neck,” said Mrs Hampton, “And Jerry gets these leg cramps after, well you know, he gets leg cramps at certain times…” She said, blushing slightly. Jerry chimed in, “It’s just a big mixup, but we really did try to make the best of things. Captain Dmitri suggested we speak with Mrs Frammis, but said he did not hold out too much hope because in all his years at sea, he has never seen any elderly persons give berths to someone else.”

Mrs. Frammis, a spry and lively old lady, winked at this reporter when she said, “I was young and on my honeymoon once, you know, and my heart went out to these young people. As a Christian woman, I could not have turned them down in their time of need.” Asked how she liked her new berth, Mrs. Frammis said it was just the right size for her. “I was married to my late husband for sixty-two years, but God forgive me, he was a snorer and a twitcher, all night long his body would twitch and it drove me nuts! I didn’t want this new bride to remember her honeymoon for her husband’s leg cramps. That’s no way to start a marriage!”

The Hamptons and Mrs. Frammis plan to stay in touch after their voyage, and they were effusive in their praise for her and that she gave her berth to them.

Professional Chef And Cannibalism Expert Denied Restaurant Permit

Posted on September 16, 2014 by DvanL

BROOKLYN, New York –

Charles Freihoffer loves food. He also happens to hold a degree in psychology, and is an authority on people who practice, or claim to practice, cannibalism. “I’ve been called on to offer expert testimony on cases where some pretty grisly crimes have taken place. It’s a very specific disorder and the work takes its toll, so my stress relief for all that is cooking.”

“I wanted to open a dungeon-themed restaurant called Ground Chuck,” Freihoffer explained, with a wry smile. “I decided to ‘go dungeon’ because the space I found was a basement space. So I went and applied for the permits, but I got turned down.”

“Charlie should be able to open a restaurant,” says his mother, Danielle. “I’m not just saying that because he’s my son and I’m his mother, I’m saying it because he’s good at what he does. This is supposed to be the land of free enterprise and that type of thing, last time I checked!”

“I had menu ideas going and everything,” said Freihoffer. “I wanted it to be fun, so I put together some traditional stuff, but with my sense of humor in it because a lot of my friends know what kind of job I do. So I came up with some fun stuff: ribs, leg of lamb, pork shoulder, elbow macaroni, kidney beans, artichoke hearts, things like that, real ‘groaners.’ I think it’s a great idea and fun for the neighborhood, but I guess no one has a sense of humor anymore.”

Susan Metzger, Administrator for the New York City Food & Beverage Commission, was able to give some advice to Freihoffer after his permit was denied. “I told him that even in a so-called ‘edgy’ city like New York, with all the restaurants and trends and themes and whatnot, unless you’re a Disney or a Planet Hollywood or a Guy Fieri, it’s gonna be an uphill battle. Honestly, some of the ideas he had, they came off a little too, um…creative and scary.”

“Believe it or not, the big guys are afraid of the little guys,” she continued. “The reality is, New York is becoming more conservative. Even from where I sit, I can see that. I told him how to appeal and to apply again. I wish him luck. He seems like a nice guy. It sounds like a fun idea.”

“This isn’t the same place I grew up in,” said Freihoffer. “The edge is gone. All the fun is being squashed out by the big-wigs and the corporations so little guys like me get screwed. I don’t know any famous people like Rachel Ray or folks like that, but I mean how am I supposed to get my start? It’s bad enough that opening a restaurant in the NYC means that at any time they could ban a random food item, like they tried to do with large sodas. The city is crazy.”

Freihoffer remains optimistic and appreciates the help and support he receives from his friends and family.

“Well, now it’s just wait-and-see. Here I thought the hardest part was going to be finding the right place to open up,” said Friehoffer. “That was the easiest part! Now it’s all this red tape. Hey, I’m going to keep trying, so stay tuned!” he said, giving the ‘thumbs-up’ gesture.

Helen Keller Driving School Opens In Tuscumbia, Alabama

Posted on September 3, 2014 by DvanL

TUSCUMBIA, Alabama –

John Cadbury has his famous chocolates, William Colgate’s toothpaste is a household name, and now, Helen Keller has a driving school named after her.

The first blind and deaf woman to earn a bachelor’s degree in the United States was author, humanitarian and educator Helen Keller. Born in 1880, Keller overcame the effects of “brain fever” at the age of 2, which left her without sight or hearing. What would have held others back only fueled Keller to overcome these “disabilities” and inspire millions throughout the world.

“Tuscumbia is her birthplace, and we’re proud of her,” says Margaret Cullen, co-owner of what was known as Cullen’s Learn-2-Drive up until last month. “She’s always been my hero,” said Cullen, “and I wanted to pay her tribute.”

Cullen’s “tribute” has made headlines at the expense of the 58-year-old driving instructor’s school, and the town of Tuscumbia.

“I never meant for this thing to be taken the way it’s been taken,” said Cullen. “All of these prank calls and such have started, and I don’t appreciate them, not one single bit! Helen Keller met Eleanor Roosevelt. There’s nothing funny about that!”

Prank calls have only escalated as word of the school’s renaming has spread.

“I had a man call up and impersonate a guide dog over the phone. He asked me if he could come in and help his owner learn how to drive. He disguised his voice and made a lot of “ruff-ruff woof-woof” words and I heard lots of giggling in the background. Distasteful and disrespectful, I say. I hung up but they just called back again, this time pretending to be ‘Toonces,’ that cat that could drive a car on that comedy show I used to watch. I don’t even know if there is such a thing as that. Who has the time to train a cat?”

Local CW affiliate WHDF-TV assigned reporter Carl Lucerne to cover the story as a local feature. “I had no idea this little local story was going to blow wide open,” admitted Lucerne. “When I mentioned to Mrs. Cullen that the story did have an ironic kind of humor about it, she told me that people had become ‘too mean’ these days. I asked her what her husband thought about the sudden notoriety brought to the town and to the driving school, and she said that the two weren’t speaking at the present time.”

“My husband and I are not discussing it right now,” said Cullen. “He thought the calls and attention we were getting were funny, and said ‘I told you so’ when I first came up with the idea of renaming the school. He said ‘don’t mess with the name,’ but I saw things differently, and just wouldn’t listen.”

“On the serious side, many blind people are asking us if we can teach them how to drive, but we aren’t equipped for that. I suppose it can be done, but we don’t have that kind of technology to do it,” said Cullen. “I read in the paper last month that some designer eyeglass company in China named their eyeglasses after Helen Keller. Fancy designer frames that I can’t afford, but I didn’t see that as a joke. I thought it was a nice tribute. It was like saying she could see beyond all her limits. That’s all I wanted to do, but now this thing has turned all wrong. It’s a shame,” she added.

Cullen plans to turn a deaf ear to the ridicule her company is facing. “This town and our school are not laughingstocks,” she said. “I’m just going to pretend I don’t see or hear these mean things. After all, I have a business to run,” she said.

Cullen has no plans to rename the school or revert back to the original “Cullen’s Learn-2-Drive,” a town institution since 1971.

“The signs and cards have been printed,” she said. “What’s done is done!”

Death Row Inmate’s Request Granted For ‘Progressive Dinner’ Last Meal

Posted on September 1, 2014 by DvanL

PUTNAM COUNTY, Florida –

Florida Governor Rick Scott quietly approved death row inmate Del Berkley’s wish to attend a progressive dinner as per his last meal request.

Berkley, convicted of homicide and armed robbery in 2008, made the request earlier this month to reportedly “spice things up” from his usual drab prison meal routine before his scheduled execution.

The progressive dinner was held last week in a neighborhood not far from the Putnam County Sheriff’s Office House of Corrections. A review of the meal, written by Berkley, was published in the prison’s newsletter under the column “Bars and Spoons.”

“Overall it was good,” wrote Berkley. We started with a light course of appetizers at the “X” family’s neat suburban home. Nice big windows. Easy access. No guard dog.”

To be honest,” Berkley wrote, “this first course of mini entrées kind of suffered — I couldn’t choke down that tiny puffed tuna casserole. ‘And you thought my stare was cold and icy!’ I said to the hostess. ‘I’m never coming back here again!’ On the upside, I was allowed a glass of wine, which sure beats the crap out of the stuff I usually make in my toilet, that’s for damn sure! I really appreciated that.”

After a head count, the meal progressed to destination number two.

The “Y” family decided to make me feel ‘at home,’ so they went with a prison-themed dinner for the main course,” wrote Berkley. “They wore striped shirts and had these little plastic chains around their ankles which ticked me off a little at first, but I took it all in stride. After all, I didn’t want to come off as some kind of death row ingrate,” he said.

“The tin cups were funny and I gotta admit, the Y’s were very original with the dishes. We started with a towering Big House salad, then we had the Pork Shank Redemption, and to finish me off, I enjoyed a cup of Midnight Espresso. To call this meal a guilty pleasure would only be a half-truth,” he added.

The next part of the meal was the dessert course. “I wondered if I could force it all down after all that food! I was so full, I thought I was gonna die! Talk about ‘dead man walking’ – I practically had to be carried out to the van! After thanking my hosts, I was transported to my final destination.”

Unbelievably, the dessert was ‘Death By Chocolate Cake.’ “It was a complete coincidence,” said Berkley. “Mrs. ‘Z’ told me that she had planned her menu far in advance of my visit to her ADT Alarm protected ranch style home with the sliding glass doors adjacent to the attached garage which leads to the laundry room,” he said.

After the meal, when Berkley was transported back to the correctional facility, more good news awaited him. Due to the national shortage of lethal chemicals used in the humane execution process, his scheduled execution was indefinitely delayed.

“Is this an execution or a hunger strike?” asked Stefanie Fales, heartbroken widow of Martin Fales, Berkley’s homicide victim. “I’m calling my Congressman and the Governor!” she said.

“I can’t believe it,” said Berkley upon hearing the news. “I’m sitting here full as a tick, happy as a clam. True, it’s going to be an awful comedown once that plastic tray comes sliding through that slot tomorrow morning with those powdered eggs, but, … you can’t have everything!”

Woman Murdered After Sending Repeated FarmVille Invitations Via Facebook

Posted on August 31, 2014 by JP

CRANTSTON, Rhode Island –

Maria Boyland, Age 48, was found dead in her home early this past Monday morning. A local to Cranston, Rhode Island, Boyland lived there her entire life, but neighbors claim she didn’t have many friends.

Boyland was found when a mailman happened to look through the window of her home as he delivered mail, and noticed she was lying on the floor covered with blood. Police arrived on the scene and discovered her body had been stabbed over 18 times, with most of the knife wounds to the stomach and back.

As Boyland was not know to leave her apartment often, and had few contacts outside her family, the trail to find the killer was almost immediately cold, until police were able to get onto Boyland’s Facebook page and review her notifications and messages. As is common with most people her age, police noticed that she mainly had notifications for playing Facebook games, namely Candy Crush, Farmville, and Bejeweled.

When officers reviewed her messages, the case almost began to solve itself. A message was sent to Boyland three days before her murder from a man who lived approximately 14 hours away from in Virginia. The messages were extremely violent and disturbing in nature, including the one that said “Send me one more game invite to FarmVille and I’ll stab you 18 times, b—-!”

Apparently, Boyland didn’t take the warning seriously, and police assume that either Boyland purposely sent, or Farmville automatically sent, the man another game request. His final message simply said “Now you’ve done it.”

After trying to reach the suspect via internet and coming up short, police eventually called a local Sheriff’s Office in his area and had the man arrested. When asked why he drove 14 hours to kill Boyland he responded “I warned her, and having her blow up my Facebook with game invites was annoying.” When told he could have simply blocked the game invites, the anonymous man simply said “Oh. Yeah, I suppose that would have worked, too.”

The arresting officer, patrolman Joe Goldsmith, said that this is the kind of case he never thought he would see in his career.

“I can understand how annoying it is when people send game requests, being a Facebook user myself. But, I urge anyone that gets annoyed by stupid game invites and requests that you simply un-friend the person sending them, because it is a lot easier, faster, and much less illegal than murder.”

17 Killed, 33 Injured During Roller Coaster Collapse At Kentucky Amusement Park

Posted on August 25, 2014 by Raoul Stockton

LOUISVILLE, Kentucky –

Seventeen people, including six children, were tragically killed, and thirty-three others were injured when a wooden roller coaster at the new amusement park, Bluegrass Boardwalk, completely collapsed Sunday afternoon. The roller coaster, named Noah’s Ark, had just entered its first loop when the wooden structure began to collapse. “It was horrific, it just crumbled like a stack of tooth picks, those poor people, I will have nightmares about this the rest of my life, it could have been us,” said 33-year old Jessica Waterbury of Louisville, who was waiting in line for the next ride on the coaster.

Bluegrass Boardwalk spokesperson Jarrod Ransdell issued a brief public statement immediately following the tragedy, “We are working with police in the investigation as to why this horrific incident occurred. To the families of those killed and injured we offer our deepest condolences. Out of respect, we decided to close the park for the remainder of the day. But for anyone who was planning to visit us, the park will be re-opened, operating at its usual hours tomorrow morning!” Ransdell said with a smile.

The accident occurred at approximately 12:15 PM, and the park was immediately evacuated as emergency personnel converged on the scene. Those evacuated, as well as those involved in the incident, will receive a full refund and a $10 gift certificate to be used towards concession stand items on a future visit, according to Bluegrass Boardwalk management. Spokesperson Ransdell also stated that those injured in the accident will be given free passes for the remainder of the current season.

“As this was indeed a terrible tragedy, we wish and ask those involved to not give up on Bluegrass Boardwalk, and encourage them to come back to the park as soon as they are able. We’d love for you to come and make up for their day of fun-filled activities which was tragically cut short,” said Ransdell.

Of the thirty-three injured in the accident, seventeen remain in critical condition at nearby hospitals in the Louisville area. Louisville resident Jermaine Parker, who managed to escape the tragedy along with his two sons with only minor cuts and scratches, said that he is extremely grateful for the park’s actions regarding the accident.

“I tell you what, they could have just left us with an apology, but they’re not. They’re stepping up and they’re giving us a gift certificate and passes, and that’s really big of them,” said Parker. “It admits fault, and that’s as good as an actual apology or civil court victory for me. I can’t wait to come back and ride the Noah’s Ark again once they rebuild it.”

Not everyone who was at the park is happy about the events that occurred, with several bystanders visibly upset by the accident.

“They’re giving season passes to those on the ride? Wow. What about me? I was waiting, and it could have been me on there. I think I deserve a season pass just as much as the people who were on the ride. After all, I had to see the carts come flying off, and it was extremely traumatic,” said Aaron Silver, a park visitor. “This place is so cheap, it’s sickening.”

The amusement park, located in south Louisville, opened in May of this year and branded itself as a more cost-efficient alternative to the more popular Kentucky Kingdom, which is also in Louisville. Billboards around the city advertised itself using the motto, “Cheap Thrills With Wooden Hills,” referring to it prime attraction, the wooden roller coaster involved in the accident.

It is possible that the park will avoid lawsuits due to the fact that on the back of each ticket, and posted at every entrance, restroom, park bench, and water fountain is a disclaimer stating “All persons who enter the park do so at their own risk. Bluegrass Boardwalk is not responsible for injuries, health issues, or death which may occur on company grounds”

The names of those killed and injured in the accident are being withheld from the public at this time pending notification of kin.

UFC Partners With Richard Branson and Virgin Group For First UFC Bout in Space

Posted on July 27, 2014 by Jon Smith

LONDON, England –

Early morning reports are that in a stunning merger, the Ultimate Fighting Championship with partner with Virgin Group in a joint effort to put on the first mixed martial arts event into orbit.

The UFC, the premiere organization in mixed martial arts, has recently expanded the number of fights it broadcasts per year in an effort to expand to even larger, global markets. Events thus far have expanded into South America, Australia, Europe and Asia.

When reached for comment, UFC President Dana White told reporters for Empire News, “F— you,” and hung up the phone.

Conversely, when reached for comment, Virgin Group founder and Chairman Richard Branson was far more open and amiable with reporters. “It really was the smart business move.”

Branson, 64, first made stellar headlines with the announcement in September, 2004, of the formation of Virgin Galactic, a company which would focus on the previously nonexistent industry of space tourism. Then, in July, 2012, Bronson announced plans to build an orbital space launch system designated LauncherOne.

“We’ve been out of the news for a while,” Bronson told reporters, “and with England blowing the World Cup, I figured we needed to get back on the map by merging with MMA. I mean, Michael Bisping has been a bust for us, so I figured it was time to step up.”

Details have been vague, but reports from inside Virgin Group suggest that LaucherOne will have a modest arena built within the orbiting platform in which approximately 25,000 of the world’s wealthiest and most self-conscious people will allowed to watch live the first low-gravity mixed martial arts fight in history. Other amenities will include several tanning/hair salons, an Apple Store, a celebrity detox facility, franchises of Starbucks coffee, Chipotle, Subway, Juicy Couture, Ed Hardy, and Lululemon.

At time of publication, no fighters have yet been confirmed for either the preliminary or the main event card, but one name that continues to be circulated is former WEC champion Uriah Faber, who gained some increased popularity with his Full Contact Skydiving video on YouTube.

Faber, who has since adamantly denied rumors of a UFC in space, admits that the video was his attempt at a joke and that he doesn’t really understand how satire works. He in no way endorsed the idea of low- or zero-gravity combat.

Bronson, who has seen the sky diving video several times and has used it for research in the building of the arena is determined to “launch the little fu—- into orbit” anyway and “maybe show him some episodes of Benny Hill or A Bit of Fry and Laurie for an education in proper humor.”

Sources inside the Nevada State Athletic Commission suggest that referee Steve Mazzagatti is on the short list to officiate the event since “we’ve been thinking about launching him into space for years anyway.”

‘Friends: The Movie’ Trailer

Posted on January 24, 2000 by Empire News

The fan-made trailer for FRIENDS: The Movie that got money-hungry NBCexecutives to green light a film based on the long-dead TV series.