New Jeresey Teenager Hospitalized With Facebook Withdrawals

CAMDEN, New Jersey – empire-news-camden-teenager-hospitalized-for-facebook-withdrawals-social-media-shakes

Nancy Thompson, 15, was hospitalized today for severe withdrawal symptoms caused by her parents taking away her computer, cell phone, and her Facebook privileges. Thompson, who was being punished for a poor grade in math, was taken to the emergency room at Camden-South Medical Center after her parents found her in bed with cold sweats, thumb twitches, and general zombie-like behavior.

“I was terrified, we both were.” Said Marge Thompson, Nancy’s mother. “I heard noises and murmuring upstairs. I went to Nancy’s room, and she was rocking back-and-forth on her bead, mumbling “Like. Like. Comment. Like. Share,” and her thumbs were twitching in a texting motion involuntarily. We called 9-1-1 immediately.”

Ambulances were at the Thompson house in minutes, with paramedics prepared for the worst.

“We arrived, and Nancy was still trembling. It’s a scene I’ve bared witness to many times lately. The ‘Social-Media Shakes’, that’s what we call them.” Said Glen Lantz, one of the paramedics on the scene. “We were loading her into the ambulance, and that was when I saw the look she had. Nancy had a pretty standard resting bitch face, but then I saw her lips starting to curl back and one arm started to rise above her head. I recognized the selfie-signs instantly, and immediately sedated her before any of us had to see her morph into duck face mode.”

Parents today are more and more often using social media restrictions as punishments for their children and teenagers. As evident in Nancy’s case, it is not always the best solution. Rod Lane, a professional child psychiatrist, says that teens and young adults need their social networks more than ever, and taking them away can have serious adverse effects, much the same as with drug and alcohol addiction.

“I know that when your teen does something wrong, telling them they can’t get on Facebook is the quickest thing to come to your head. I implore all parents, please don’t do this.” Said Lane. “Your child needs to be weened off their social media, like a heroin abuser who goes to a methadone clinic. Just like with “true” drugs, your child can become violent and hostile, or conversely, they can become completely withdrawn and depressed, all because social media is removed from their lives too quickly.”

Nancy’s father, Donald Thompson, says that the first thing he did when Nancy awoke in the hospital was give her back her 32GB gold iPhone 5 so she could get online.

“I never want to have to go through something like this again. I swear I will never take away her Facebook privileges as long as I live. My baby girl can take all the half-nude, fake tanned, stupid-ass duck face pictures she wants. I’ll even ‘like’ them all myself!”

Nancy responded by saying it would be a “cold day in hell” before she added her dad on Facebook. She also updated her status on Facebook to “Prnts are soooo f-ing lame. hospitul food sucks. some1 bring me an f-ing Pinkberry like NOW!” It immediately received ‘Likes’ from 143 of Nancy’s 2,486 friends.


School Suspends Student For Gun Shaped Birthmark

MILFORD, Connecticut – empire-news-boy-expelled-suspended-birthmark-shaped-like-gun

A 13 year-old middle school student was suspended today when a teacher noticed that the boy had a “gun shaped” birthmark on his leg. The boy, whose name was not released at his parents’ request, wore shorts to school for the first time this year, and when the teacher, Charlene Brooks, saw the birthmark on his leg she immediately informed the school principal and superintendent.

“You cannot be too careful in this day and age. We don’t want to promote guns or gun violence in our schools. What if another kid in the class saw that? He might have gotten excited and wanted a gun birthmark, too.” Said Brooks, an English teacher at Milford Jr. High. “I don’t think it’s appropriate in our school.”

Recently throughout the country there has been an excessive amount of “gun paranoia” in schools, with children being suspended or even expelled for things as menial as biting a Pop-Tart into the shape of a gun or even just pointing a finger at someone else and saying “boom,” which is what happened only a few short months ago in Ohion to 10 year-old Nathan Entingh.

“I cannot believe that this is happening to my son.” Said the parent of the suspended student. “This is way too far. He can’t control this. This is completely and utterly absurd. It was 94 degrees here yesterday. Is he supposed to wear pants every day until the end of the school year? Or maybe they want me to chop his leg clean off?”

According to school superintendent Donna Winter, that is exactly what the school expects.

“When [name deleted] returns to school in 4 days, we will still have just about a week left of school. We are expecting that he will continue to wear long pants throughout the school year, and indeed, for the remainder of his schooling here in the Milford School District. Of course, he is always allowed to take the extreme decision of removing his leg entirely. It’s possible that would be best not only for his return to school, but also for his future. We’re talking about guns, here.”

The parents have contacted a lawyer with the American Civil Liberties Union to argue that it is outside of the school’s rights to force only their son to wear long pants. “Either everyone has to wear pants, or my son doesn’t either. We can’t make everyone else have gun shaped birthmarks, so they can’t make him wear pants.”

The family is debating on homeschooling their son for the remainder of his education to avoid any further conflict. It is unclear, at this time, whether or not there will be any police involvement with the student for his “carrying a concealed birthmark.”

Democrats Invite Iranian President To Speak Before Congress ‘Just To Piss Off Republicans’

Democrats Invite Iranian President To Speak Before Congress 'Just To Piss Off Republicans'


In the latest round of exchanged animosities between the Republican and Democratic Parties, Barack Obama has officially invited Iranian president, Hassan Rouhani, to speak before Congress. The news comes in the wake of House Speaker, John Boehner, inviting Israeli prime minister Benjamin Netanyahu to speak in what is usually considered a ‘sacred’, constitutionally defended forum.

“We think it’s only appropriate that President Rouhani gets the same opportunity as Netanyahu,” Obama told a press conference. “After all, Netanyahu’s speech was designed as a defamation of Rouhani’s country. Also, we happen to know that the Republicans will hate this. Two can play at this game.”

Political experts around the country have been frantically throwing their opinions at our reporters.

“Get ready for a fight night like never before!” said Rita Harlow. “I expect Boehner and Obama to get physical this time around.”

“Rouhani is gonna blow those Republicans away,” Noel Reed told us. “Not literally – I mean, not with a nuclear bomb or anything. I mean, oh God, I didn’t mean… I don’t know anything I promise!”

Congress has already been likened this week to a ‘high school’, a ‘neighborhood watch meeting’, and a ‘parents-teachers AGM’. The Republican invitation to Netanyahu – which was kept secret until all plans were finalised – was an unprecedented breach of protocol. All the more so, since Netanyahu’s agenda was apparent – as the speech coincided with the upcoming Israeli elections.

“We’re organizing new elections in Iran,” said minority leader Nancy Pelosi. “Our move has to be just as petty as theirs. Otherwise, they still have one up on us. Which is entirely unacceptable when dealing with petty politics.”

Iranian President Hassan Rouhani, for his part, has thanked the Democratic Party for inviting him to speak before Congress. Although his gracious acceptance did have one caveat.

“I’m delighted to have the opportunity to speak to Congress,” he said. “However, I want to ensure that no partisan politics are reflected in the decision. Otherwise, no deal. I will not compromise the stature of Iranian Democracy for the petty infighting of US politics.”

Man Drives Car Through Donut Shop After Learning They Are Out of Maple Glazed

MILFORD, New Hampshire – Empire-News-Man-Drives-Car-Through-Donut-Shop-After-Learning-They-Are-Out-Maple-Glazed

Johnathan Elm, 27, was arrested Tuesday morning after driving his car through the front window of a local donut shop. Elm was apparently upset that the store, Wicked Good Donuts, had just run out of his favorite donuts, maple glazed.

“He started yelling and screaming and cursing at us, calling us ‘Donut-Hole Whores’ and ‘Pastry Pimps,’ seriously bizarre and crazy things,” said shop owner Marlene Simmons. “It was scary. We asked him to leave and he wouldn’t, but when I went to call the police, that’s when he ran out of the store.”

Reports by people outside the shop say they heard Elm screaming, and saw him running out the door, where he bolted across the street and got into his car.

“He was parked outside, across the road,” Said Joey Goldsmith, an eyewitness. “I watched him get into his car and then  immediately drive it straight at the front window of the donut store. The glass shattered and then there were donuts and crullers flying all over the place. Sugar and liquid glaze went everywhere. It was like a diabetic nightmare out here.”

Elm was knocked unconscious during the accident when his airbag failed to deploy, causing him to crash directly into a rack of freshly made muffins.

“Blueberry corn muffins, our top seller. On sale this week for 4 for $6.99. Best deal in town,” said Simmons.

Not surprisingly, there were several police cruisers in the vicinity of the donut shop at the time of the accident, and Elm was immediately arrested and taken into custody, charged with reckless endangerment, attempted assault, and rampant destruction of delicious breakfast foods. He was initially brought to Milford Memorial Hospital to treat minor injuries sustained in the crash.

Police say that Elm blames his actions on Michael Vale, the actor who played “Fred The Baker” in many early Dunkin Donuts commercials.

“Fred knew when it was time to make the donuts. He was always making the f—— donuts. He’d have never run out of maple glazed! Never!” Said Elm in a police interview.

Elm was held and released Friday on $15,000 bail, and is currently restricted from entering any establishment that sells donuts or donut paraphernalia.


Man Electrocuted, Dies While Smoking E-Cigarette

BOSTON, Massachusetts –  empire-news-electronic-cigarette-ecig-kills-man-electrocutes-boston-death

Michael Del, a 34 year old construction worker from Boston, Massachusetts, was killed early last Wednesday as the e-cigarette he was smoking sent a jolt of electricity through his body, knocking him unconscious. Del, who was on a lunch  break while working an overnight on job site in Cambridge, had reportedly been using the e-cigarettes to help quit smoking, a habit he had for nearly 20 years. He was rushed to Massachusetts General Hospital where doctors were unable to revive him. They pronounced him dead at 7:18AM.

“Michael started smoking really young. It was my fault. I smoked around him all the time, and left cigarettes laying around,” Said Charmaine Del, Michael’s mother. “He had decided he wanted to quit. We both did, and we heard the e-cigs were a good way to help. So I bought us both one to get started. He’d only been using it for about a week.”

Reports from the hospital were that Del had been using his e-cigarette while it was plugged into his truck, charging. E-cigarettets are small, pen-sized items that contain internal batteries, and smokers can add nicotine-infused flavor ‘cartridges’ into them. Just like a cell phone, the batteries can be charged, and most e-cigarettes come with USB charger similar to that of a phone.

The instructions for most e-cigarettes that have chargers insist that you do not try to use them while charging, but like most men Del apparently skipped the directions and opted to just try and figure out how they worked using trial-and-error. Unfortunately for him, the warnings posted on the package for this product were extremely important.

A representative for Black, INC., the manufacturer of the e-cigarette Del had purchased, released a statement expressing their condolences.

“We at Black are extremely saddened to learn that one of our products has caused the death of a customer. We are terribly sorry, as these unfortunate events are never easy for anyone. We send or deepest sympathies to his family. As this is the first such death from e-cigarettes though, we’d like to remind people that we’re still doing far better than Big Tobacco, whose death toll is in the millions.”

E-cigarettes have been a continued source of controversy since they first launched only a few short years ago, and the debate about their safety in comparison to a traditional cigarette has caused a stir in the medical community. This is the first death caused by e-cigarettes since their widespread use began in 2003.

Obama Signs Bill Forgiving All Student Loan Debt

WASHINGTON, D.C. – empire-news-obama-signs-bill-forgiving-student-loan-debt

Americans who are under the financial strain of repaying student loan debt may now be off the hook for their education costs. President Obama signed a new federal bill this week releasing any student who has accrued outstanding debt because of the high interest rates and outrageous balances caused by college loans.

“Any student, past or present, who has taken loans from the federal government within the last 10 years to pay for higher education, will no longer be required to pay back those loans.” Said President Obama. “This forgiveness also is to be extended to any student currently enrolled in college, who may need financial assistance for the next several years as they finish their degrees.”

The idea of student loan forgiveness has been in the news for several years now, as students are forced year-after-year to leave school due to crippling costs of a higher education in the US. With most students not able to afford any facet of college without loans, the government has given out nearly $1 trillion dollars to those seeking a form of higher education. Although certain costs of school are generally offset by private loans, grants, and scholarships, almost every student currently in a 2 or 4-year program has some existing loans with the US government.

“Education is the single most important thing in my mind when it comes to furthering this great nation.” Said Obama. “I can think of no better way to help the young people, this next generation of thinkers and doers, than by helping them to stand on their feet more firmly, and to give them some hope that they can and will receive their degrees, and they can work towards a future for themselves and their families, and not just a future of paying back debt.”

Although the bill was signed on Thursday afternoon in a live press conference, the forgiveness of loans will not begin until the end of 2016 at which point current and former students will begin to see interest and repayment amounts dwindle automatically, eventually leaving everyone with a complete zero-dollar balance.

Even while the government has decided to forgive loans from the public sector, private held companies such as Sallie Mae, the leading lender for higher education, still has sky-high interest rates and non-budging repayment schedules. With close to $1 billion in net income every year,  Sallie Mae has stated that they are not interested in following suit with the governments plan for loan forgiveness.

“We are a private company, and private lenders. We have no interest in not pursuing every possible avenue to squeeze every penny we can out of our borrowers.” Said Carla Edwarton, CEO of Sallie Mae. “Education is important to us, but paying back your loans are what we care about. We aren’t loan sharks, we aren’t going to break your kneecaps if you don’t pay, as much as we would like to…[But] you can bet we love making all that sweet, sweet high-interest rate cash.”

Students who are currently making payments or have defaulted on their loans can expect to receive a packet letter within the next 3 to 4 months detailing how their assistance loans will be forgiven and what percentage, if any, will be left owed to private companies and firms.

Barack Obama In Blue Suit May Actually Be White President in Gold Suit




A fearsome debate has broken out on social media across the globe over whether Barack Obama is a black president dressed in blue, or a white president dressed in gold. Obama has long been considered the first black president of America, but is he really?

The controversy was sparked by a photo of the president at a gala event in California last weekend. Although more than fifty percent of viewers saw the African American leader in a blue suit, a significant minority insist that he is a white man in a gold suit. YouTube videos attempting to explain the phenomena have gone viral, but which reality is real?

“This is a fantastic example of how people’s brains do not interpret sensory input in a uniform way,” said physicist Michael Surewood. “There are many possible explanations for why different individuals see different colors, including the possibility of our minds assuming that the president was standing in shade, that shadows were falling across his outfit, and so on. But what is clear, is that the very identity of our country’s leader is in doubt.”

Republican MPs have come out strongly in support of the white and gold rendering of the president, some going so far as to say that the “first African American President line was a simple deception to draw in liberal votes.” Rand Paul, a possible contender for the 2016 presidential elections, is at the forefront of this view.

“You can’t tell me what I’m seeing is wrong,” he said to reporters. “I see a white president in a gold suit, and that’s that. Am I meant to believe that my eyes don’t work properly? I’ve been categorizing people by colors all my life. I think I would know when I see a white man.”

However, photographs have emerged of the prototype of Barack Obama, showing conclusively a black president in a blue suit. Debate may continue over why Obama looks white to some Americans, but what is sure is that he really is a black man.

Iran’s Supreme Leader Not a Fan of ‘American Sniper’

Iran’s Supreme Leader Not a Fan of ‘American Sniper’

TEHRAN, Iran – 

Iran’s Supreme Leader, Ayatollah Ali Khamenei, has spoken out against critically acclaimed film, American Sniper, saying that he is “not a fan.” The screenplay, which portrays a real-life US soldier who killed 160 ‘enemies’, struck a nerve with the spiritual head of the Islamic country.

“The dialogue is poorly written, and some of the secondary cast is very poorly chosen,” Khamenei told TMZ. “In addition, the soundtrack does not do the visuals justice.”

Some have criticized the film for portraying Islamic people as ‘uncivilised’ and the conflict as ‘simplistic’, but the supreme leader’s criticisms have gone far beyond what he calls “possible thematic inaccuracies”, sparking a feud with director and producer, Clint Eastwood. “What bothers me most is the way the camera angles make the action look contrived, bastardized to resemble any other Hollywood action movie,” he added.

Eastwood, who reminded us that he is the man responsible for the highest-grossing war film in history, hit back at Khamenei’s comments, saying, “Who is he to judge? I’ve seen his work. [1991 Iranian drama] Mother totally sucked – yes, it wasn’t Hollywood-ised, and it was gritty and moving, but it hardly had a budget, and some of the actors were clearly amateur and didn’t even speak English!”

After half an hour of Googling the Ayatollah’s filmography, we managed to track down the movie in question, and found it to be attributed to Iranian director Ali Hatami, and not Khamenei, to whom Eastwood inaccurately credited it.

Iranian President, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, publicly disagreed with the supreme leader, simply saying, “Eastwood is legendary. Don’t f*** with him.”

Muslim Man Creating Long Lines At TSA Security Check Must be a Member of ISIS

Muslim Man Delaying Queue in Airport Must be a Member of ISIS

NEW YORK, New York –

Reports emerging from one of the queues at JFK Airport suggest that the Muslim man responsible for the current delay must be a member of ISIS. Although no weapons, flags, or other indications of allegiance to a terror cell can be seen on him, he is being searched for the third time, with contents of his hand luggage being laid out on the desk after passing through the scanner with no clear problems.

“I’m almost certain I’ve seen his face before,” says Angela Mason, 45. “He must have been on the news or something. That big beard and turban do not cry innocence.”

Other commuters are less certain, but all acquiesce that he must prove his loyalty to America before he is allowed on their flight.

“I’m not saying he’s a terrorist or anything,” says businessman Wayne Parnell, 53. “But would you be comfortable sitting next to him on a plane? Nope, didn’t think so.”

Sources insist it’s only a matter of time before ISIS or another Islamic extremist group claims responsibility for the delay.

“Frankly, I’m surprised we haven’t heard anything from them as yet,” political analyst, Steven Rockstead. “Usually they’re quick to jump on the bandwagon, to increase their publicity and try to display their power. Here, however, no videos admitting guilt have been released online, which may just mean that this obvious terrorist must have something else lined up.”

As of press time, officials are allowing the ISIS member to board the plane, although without his shoes, turban, robe or underwear, where he may have been hiding some undetected weapon. His beard and hair have all been shaved off as well, in case he could be carrying a tiny knife in there.

United States Seeks To Implement 10-Hour Work Week

United States Government Seeks To Implement 10-Hour Work Week


With the presidential nominees slowly starting to become public and we gear up for the 2016 elections, many say that the country is ready to start a new chapter in its history, and that chapter looks to be filled with plenty of vacation time. According to sources, a proposed 10-hour work month is part of the new itinerary of the far-left party that seeks to gain control of the country.

According to documents found by media correspondence, every citizen will be asked to work a mandatory 40-hours a month, and no more. Those who violate the law would be punished for excessive profiteering.

Government spokesman, Peter Jacobs, spoke proudly as he assured the people of the economic plan. “Greece brought the world democracy, literary tragedies, and universities. There are no bad ideas in Greece. Now, the United States seeks to copy their ideas and bring work down to a minimum, and vacationing to the max, as it was meant to be.”

After stocks dropped and sell-offs occurred across the board in New York, President Obama assured the people that things were fine.

“The 40-hour work month simply removes those who do not truly understand economics,” said Obama. “With over 700 hours a month to devote to sleeping, eating, drinking, sleeping more, and playing video games, the United States will lead the world in relaxation. There is no price that can be placed on satisfaction and relaxation.”

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