GARDNER, Indiana –
A young couple, Mark and Jessica Grover, both 24, were arrested after they called 911 to report that their baby had died. The couple had given birth at home only a few hours before, and accidentally killed their child after trying to insert her back inside Jessica’s vagina.
“This couple knew that their baby wasn’t due for another 6 weeks, and they panicked, thinking that something was wrong,” said police chief Mario Ruben. “Instead of calling for an ambulance, they tried to push the baby back up inside of the mother, causing severe brain and spinal damage to the baby. Unfortunately, it died before paramedics arrived.”
Chief Reuben says that both parents are being charged with negligent homicide, and that they are still in custody.
“I know that people are having children younger and younger these days, but these parents had been doing everything right – going to their appointments, mom was eating healthy, and the baby just came early, and they didn’t know what to do,” said chief Reuben. “It’s extremely sad that this happened, but a crime was committed none-the-less. Please, if you’re having a baby, do not try to put it back. It’s not a Thanksgiving turkey. They will come when they come, and that’s one oven you can’t put something back into.”
WESTFIELD, South Dakota –
A woman who was stopped for shoplifting at Walmart claims that it “wasn’t her” that put more than $900 worth of merchandise into her baby carriage, and that her 4-month-old infant is to blame.
“Jamal has him some kleptomania, and it’s bad, so bad,” said Ja’La Jones, 24. “That little boy be stealing anything and everything when we go into the store. I’m ashamed, but he’s my son, it’s what I gotta deal with you, know?”
Police say that store detectives stopped Jones on suspicion of shoplifting after they say they saw multiple devices sticking out from underneath the diaper bag in her baby stroller.
“There was a PS4 video game system, some games, movies, a flat iron, and a 40oz,” said Walmart security guard Jim Olson. “We stopped Ms. Jones, and she said that her baby must have grabbed all the things when she wasn’t looking and stuffed them down there.”
Curiously enough, upon review of the store security footage, Jones was never seen putting anything in to her carriage at all; police ended up arresting her baby for grand larceny.
“He’s on a troubled path, but I think some time in jail might do him good, while he’s young,” said Jones. “Don’t want him ending up like whichever one of them guys is his daddy. All 4 possibilities are in jail right now. It’s a tough life out here.”
TYSON, West Virginia –
A baby that was born 39 weeks premature has miraculously survived, thanks to quick-work from doctors at a West Virginia hospital.
Doctors say that Missy Carson, 22, gave birth to a baby girl that was 39 weeks early, or approximately one week old. It is the youngest than any baby has ever been born, and unbelievably, the baby is healthy.
“It’s the smallest baby I’ve ever seen outside of an ultrasound,” said Dr. Emmett Brown, a pediatric surgeon. “I can’t believe it. It’s barely the size of a quarter, but she’s doing amazing. We have her on little breathing tubes and teeny, tiny feeding tubes, but she’s a real miracle. Mom is doing fine, too.”
“This was my second baby, and it was way, way easier than my first,” said Carson, a waitress. “My son Jonah is 2, and I was in labor for 19 hours. With this baby, I didn’t even feel her come out. I just sort of noticed I was bleeding a tiny bit, and there she was. It was the scariest moment of my life.”
Carson says she has named her daughter Hope Miracle.
WASHINGTON, D.C. –
Presidential candidates have long been known to kiss babies during meet-and-greets, so much so that it has become common for people to thrust their babies in to the arms of candidates without so much as a word. One woman, though, has plenty to say, as she says her baby contracted herpes after being kissed by Donald Trump during a rally last month.
“I absolutely love the things that Donald Trump says, and I think he’s amazing,” said Irene Jones, 29. “I want my son to grow up in a world where Donald Trump is president, because I don’t pay much attention to things in life, but when someone says, basically ‘fuck the Mexicans,’ I listen. But this – this is too much for me to handle.”
Jones says that last month she attended a Trump support rally, and asked the aging billionaire candidate to kiss her baby.
“I thought that’s what you did with babies when you brought them to rallies,” said Jones. “I thrust little Joe over to Trump, he gave him a little squeeze on the cheeks, then kissed him. Now my damn baby has herpes!”
Doctors say that it’s impossible to tell where the baby would have contracted the disease, but Jones says she knows for sure it was Trump.
“I don’t let many people kiss my baby, and I haven’t had an outbreak in months, so I know it’s not from me kissing him,” said Jones. “It had to be Donald. I’m pretty upset, but in the long run, it’s not a bad thing to know that our future president passed his STDs to my son. It’s kind of an honor, almost.”
KEENE, Louisiana –
A new mother has reportedly named her son Roofie after she was apparently drugged and raped during a party. The woman, Felicia Gregory, says that during a visit to Boston College last May, she was drugged and impregnated, but that she “wouldn’t change any of it.”
“Yes, I was roofied while at a party, and that’s why I named my son Roofie,” said Gregory, 23. “He may have been born out of wedlock, which I never would have asked for. He may have born born of rape, which I never would have asked for. And he may be the by product of any one of the 17 men who had sex with me that night, which I never would have asked for, but I’m still so glad he’s mine.”
Gregory says that she never told anyone except a few close friends what happened, because she didn’t think anyone would believer her. When the baby was born, doctors were surprised that she would choose such a controversial name.
“I was originally going to just name him Rape Baby, but I thought the point might be a little to straight forward, so this was second best,” said Gregory. “My son will always be special to me, and Roofie Jesus Gregory is the love of my life.”
ATLANTA, Georgia –
A woman who went into labor on Sunday evening became the first in recorded history to deliver her baby anally instead of vaginally, after internal complications forced doctors to re-route her baby’s delivery path.
“Our patient, whose name is not being released at this time, suffered from serious infections and complications during her labor, and as such, we were not able to deliver her baby vaginally or through emergency caesarian procedures,” said Dr. Joe Goldsmith of Atlanta Medical Center. “The patient was sedated, and we were able to successfully redirect her baby from her uterus through her bowels, and out her colon. It is the first, and as I’m aware, only time that this has been performed.”
Dr. Goldsmith says the entire procedure was recorded for future study and use by other medical professionals who may run into similar situations. At the time of this writing, both mother and baby were fine, although mother will be forced to wear adult diapers for the forseeable future.
HENDERSONVILLE, Texas –
Ann Meyer’s says she is wants to kill the internet bullies who are being cruel to her 4-year-old son, Jameson. He has a rare genetic disorder, causing wide set eyes and a smushed face similar to internet meme Grumpy Cat. His face was used by the internet in a cruel meme making fun of his appearance. It continues to circulate throughout social media, although Meyer has some success in getting it taken down on several occasions.
Jameson was diagnosed with Pfeiffer syndrome, also referred to as craniofacial syndrome, when he was still a baby. The rare genetic disorder impacts growth of the bones in the skull, hands and feet, and sometimes causes neurological defects. Jameson is intellectually normal, but trapped behind a face only a mother could love.
“I told Jameson, ‘we’ll kill them with kindness.’ What else can I do?” says Meyer. “Sure I’d like to whack those cruel bastards in the face with a shovel, but the internet is filled with hateful people like that. Where would I even start?”
SALT LAKE CITY, Utah –
Sloan Henderson can barely walk, but she is already snowboarding. Scouts are already showing interest the little athlete. Parents Katie Henderson, 29, and Zachary Henderson, 30, of North Salt Lake, Utah say they are keeping Sloan’s options open and will not be signing with anyone just yet.
Sloan had just learned to walk when parents put her on a Burton Riglet board and pulled her around their home. They received worldwide attention when they took her to slopes. The Youtube video quickly went viral.
Although her parents are turning athletic scouts away for now, they say they would welcome an endorsement. “Sloan’s an adorable baby. She’d make a great face for your snowboard, and we could use an addition on our home. Of course any money left over would go into a college fund,” says Katie Henderson.
Some are accusing the parents of abuse, saying the Henderson’s are endangering the child, especially since there are no helmets small enough to properly fit the 14 month old. Currently the helmet they have Sloan wearing is designed for a child much older, but they stuff it with rags or old t-shirts to fill in the gaps. The parents have responded by saying they wanted to develop healthy habits in their daughter. “Sitting a child in front of a TV – that’s real child abuse.”
BOSTON, Massachusetts –
A 17-year-old teen has been arrested and charged with drug abuse and murder after she allegedly cooked a child she was babysitting in an oven. The teen claims that she didn’t do it on purpose, and that she honestly mistook the child for a turkey while she was “high on some bad acid.”
“I’m going to be honest – I was tripping balls when it happened,” said the teen, Marissa Fleming. “My boyfriend Tim and I, we just got into doing psychedelics. I’ve been tripping on mushrooms lately, and wanted to try acid. I tell you, the trip was intense and awesome, but I never even realized what I was doing when I set the over to 350.”
Fleming had been babysitting the 11-month-old toddler on the weekends since November, and the baby’s parents – who wish to remain anonymous, said that they couldn’t believe that it happened.
“Marissa is such a nice girl, and she really did love our baby,” said the mother. “[name redacted] and I, we have been together since high school, and this was our first baby after 20 years of marriage. We are definitely chilled to the bone about what happened, and extremely depressed, but at the same time, we experimented when we were her age, too, and I for one know how crazy shit gets when you’re tripping balls.”
“We don’t blame Marissa for what happened, we blame the public schools for removing the D.A.R.E. program from most areas,” said the father of the deceased child. “Marissa might have known better not to babysit on acid if she had only been able to hear it directly from the mouth of Daren The Lion. Now she has to live with this guilt for the rest of her life, and we had to get a new oven to remove the stench from the house.”
DENVER, Colorado –
Two month old Aurora Dorsey has been removed from her mother’s care after Amy Dorsey told Aurora’s pediatrician she had been using marijuana to treat her baby’s colic. Although marijuana use is legal in the state, children are not allowed to use it recreationally and must have a prescription for medicinal use.
Amy told the infant’s doctor they would “clambake the bathroom” while the baby was inside, or gently blow smoke into Aurora’s face, which seemed to alleviate her colic discomfort and help her sleep through the night. Dorsey says, “I can’t believe they took her away over a little pot smoke. Besides marijuana has been proven to cure cancer. I saw all those St. Jude commercials and thought, ‘well at least this won’t happen to my baby.’”
Children inhaling secondhand smoke, whether from cigarettes or marijuana, are more susceptible to respiratory infections and more likely to get asthma. Since the legalization of marijuana in Colorado, child welfare agencies have been finding it harder to stop children from using marijuana. Social worker Denise Haze says that while she has seen her fair share of 3-18 year olds smoking marijuana, this is usually without parental consent.