Ferguson, Missouri: ‘Well, At Least It’s Not Us Burning Again’

Posted on May 1, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

FERGUSON, Missouri –

As the city of Baltimore is slowly destroyed by looters, vandals, idiots, and thieves looking for a quick score, many people throughout the community of Ferguson, Missouri, say that they are just “extremely glad” that it’s not happening to them again.

“Everyone knows that the riots have nothing to do with this or that black kid getting killed by the cops,” said Joanne Reynolds, of Ferguson. “It’s about getting a free TV or that new weave. Racial injustice is the last thing on the mind of anyone who is out there grabbing a new Macbook as they burn down the Apple store.”

“Honestly, I’m just really glad that some other city is burning and it’s not happening to us again,” said Rick Hardon, also of Ferguson. “It was crazy that shit that happened here, but you know, we’re rebuilding our community. Baltimore will, too.”

Not everyone in Ferguson is happy that another city is slowly being destroyed, though.

“It’s an outrage, seriously, just insane!” said Jamal Clemens. “I really want there to be another death at the hands of police, because I only got me one TV and a PS4 last time we had them riots. But all my bros got the Xbox One, so I gotta get one of them. I ain’t got shit for money, though, so I gotta loot and shit. Freddie Grey was a loser and drug dealer and a plague on his community. Ain’t no one really giving a shit that he’s dead, are they? Hell no. They trying to get free stuff! We gotta have that happen again here in the Ferg.”

Several Southern States Consider Legalizing Murder Of African-Americans To Better Serve Police Forces

Posted on April 19, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

AUSTIN, Texas –

Several states throughout the southern part of the country, including Texas, Kentucky, and Alabama, are considering passing laws that will legalize the violent murders of African-Americans by policemen and women, to help ‘better serve’ the officers, who many legislators are saying have a job that is tough enough without worrying about possible arrest and conviction themselves.

“There have been several high-profile arrests and trials of white police officers over the last several years after they have been accused of killing ‘innocent’ black men in the streets,” said congressman Vinnie Relso (R-Texas). “I brought forth these new laws, new concepts, because I want our men and women in blue to feel safe. Safe on the streets, safe in their jobs, and safe from prosecution from having to use their weapons in the line of duty.”

Relso says that he has garnered much support from other members of congress, as well as constituents in his home state of Texas.

“Oh hell yes, I don’t see a problem at all with killing a couple gang-banging spooks once in a while,” said Austin resident Gil Myers. “Back when I was a kid, we didn’t have gangs. We sure as shit didn’t have blacks. Now Austin is a violent city full of violent criminals. I don’t carry if a black kid’s got a gun or not when he’s walking down the street. If a police officer wants him to stop and answer some questions, there’s probably a reason. If the officer has to gun him down, shit, he probably had a reason, too. No harm, no foul.”

Many opponents of the proposed bill have stepped up to rally against Relso, who says he has received many death threats since the news first broke of his plans.

“To be honest, though, I don’t pay those threats any mind whatsoever,” said Relso. “As far as I’m concerned, all the emails are from well-to-do blackies and their well-to-do liberal friends, and they’ll never even attempt to say the same things to my face. Besides, everyone knows that no Democrat can fire a gun with an accuracy, anyway.”

Oscar Ceremony To Add ‘Best Black Actor’ Category; NAACP Calls Academy ‘Racist, Old White Folks’

Posted on February 15, 2015 by Abe Abrams

HOLLYWOOD, California –

The February 22nd Academy Awards will have a new category this year, announced very late in the awards season. The Academy of Motion Pictures Arts and Sciences has given into pressure from Hollywood insider groups, and will be adding a ‘Best Black Actor’ awards.

“This years nominees for Best Black Actor are going to be Ice Cube for Ride Along, Tyler Perry for The Single Mom’s Club, Marlon Wayons for A Haunted House 2 and Jamie Foxx for Annie,” said Academy Chairman Adam Horowitz. ”None of these movies deserve any awards in the slightest, but the Academy does not want to be viewed as ‘racist’ by only nominating white movies and white actors. We’d rather give away an award to someone undeserving that risk riots and looting from any angry blacks watching.”

“I personally picked the nominees, those guys crack me up,” said Reverend Al Sharpton. “This year, they only had time to add in the one award last minute. The good news is, next year there will be 25 additional Black awards, bringing the ceremony to an approximate 6 hours. I feel it’s important to have separate categories, because if everyone was treated equally all the time, I wouldn’t have a job.”

“Aren’t we all just people, can’t we be judge equally?” asked film critic Carmine Classi. ”So there weren’t any great black actors or black movies this year – it happens. With this bullshit happening, I think it’s clear the only racism left in America is the racism Al Sharpton creates.”

“The Academy have always just been racist, old white folks,” said NAACP member Jeremiah Rogers. “Al Sharpton thinks that he’s adding something to the ceremony, but really, he’s segregating it. To be honest, most African-Americans want nothing to do with Al Friggin’ Sharpton. And we sure as hell want nothing to do with winning a ‘black award.'”

NBC Launches Remake Of Popular Sitcom ‘Friends’ Aimed At African-Americans, Show To Be Titled ‘My Niggas’

Posted on February 6, 2015 by JP

NEW YORK CITY, New York –

NBC has announced today that they will be doing an ‘altered remake’ of one of their most popular sitcoms to date. The new show will be loosely based off their hit show Friends, and is tentatively titled My Niggas.

The show will include a cast made up entirely of African-Americans, and will have the same structure as the original Friends sitcom but with what executives are calling “a little more edge.”

“The show will also still be based in New York, but no one wants to watch upper-middle class white douchebags anymore,” said NBC spokesman Dennis Belding. “This show will take place in the ghetto, a much harsher area. What we want to do is bring ‘,’humor out of the hood and show the American people that no matter what color skin you have, we all have our friends, or in this case, you got your niggas.”

Casting is currently under production, and while they report the show’s main stars will be African-Americans, they will have a feature white character appear on the show down the line, if the show is a success.

“Just like Jim Carey kicking some ass on In Living Color back in the day, you know?” said Belding. “This isn’t about cutting out one race or another, it’s about setting a comedy in a place where there normally isn’t very much laughter. There also aren’t too many white people there, either. We’ve updated everything to be more ‘black.’ So no more coffee shop, now the hangout is the check-cashing place on the corner. And the apartments aren’t going to be bright and nice, either. This is a sitcom based on the ‘real ‘hood,’ for sure.”

The creator of the original Friends sitcom is excited to bring back the essence of a classic NBC, show while also bringing new life to a major company. “I can tell you right now, My Niggas is going to be the hottest show on TV this fall. You wait and see,” said David Swan. “Oh, and don’t worry about the name. It’s cool, because it’s Niggas, and not, well, you know. That other version.”

Casting continues on the show until the end of February, and the show begins filming in April. Producers have already said that after the show takes off, President Obama is more than welcome to join the show as a recurring cast member once his presidency ends next year.

Georgia Legislature Passes Reparations Bill; Gov’t To Give $2,500 To Every Black Male

Posted on January 3, 2015 by Abe Abrams

ATLANTA, Georgia –

In a move to finally make some amends for slavery, the Georgia State Legislature has passed a reparations bill that will go into effect immediately. The bill, which met very little opposition, will give every black male resident of the state of Georgia a tax-free check for $2,500. The deadline to register for the checks will be April 1st, 2015, with checks set for a November mailing.

“I pushed for this bill to pass and I pushed hard,” said Governor Nathan Deal. ”My fellow Republican governors and I felt it was the time was right to say ‘I’m sorry’. Slavery was a dark time in our history, and no amount of money could ever truly make amends, but all we could afford was $2,500, and even that was pretty damn hard to get.”

“It wasn’t easy getting Obama to release the money from the federal reserve, so I don’t think other states will be able to pass their own bills, at least not soon,” said state representative Bill Jones. “Since it looks like it will only be Georgia, I encourage all black males to move to Georgia and set up residency by Jan. 15th, 2016 if you want your money. Georgia has a lot to offer; good schools, warm weather, and an international airport in case you would like to spend that $2,500 on tickets to Africa or Jamaica or whatever. However you spend the money is your business, but remember it’s only for Georgia residents, so move to Georgia and remember, ‘We’re sorry.'”

“Is Obama an idiot? The republicans hoodwinked him good here,” said Democratic Senator Elizabeth Warren. ”If all the African-Americans move to Georgia, who’s going to vote democrat in the other states? Obama just handed the electoral college to the republicans for 2016. Damn him. The least he could do was do it right and have the greedy corporations pay for it.”

Poll Shows Large Portion Of U.S. Voters Think ‘Being Black’ Is Now Required Of Presidential Candidates

Posted on December 22, 2014 by Abe Abrams

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

In a recent CNN Poll of likely voters, 49% said that they believed being black was now required to be President. The same poll also showed 37% believed the new requirement was to alternate between black and white Presidents. The last 14% believed that the next President has to be a woman.

“Well, that just shows how stupid polls are,” said Dennis Wallace, a 22-year-old registered Democrat. “All you ever hear is how inaccurate polls are, and I guess it’s true. I mean, how many whatevers does it take to screw in a light bulb, and that one about them having a screen door on their submarine – polls are stupid. Everyone knows the rule to electing a president is now black man, white woman, black woman, and then white man.”

23-year-old Regina Banks, who registered as an Independent said, “Doesn’t congress pick the President? I mean isn’t that’s why we elect them, to represent us? Or is that something to do with the election college, or…wait. No, we vote, and congress sends people to the election college to pick the president. Right?”

“I wish the people were right. Personally, I wouldn’t mind seeing more black Presidents,” said Rep. Nancy Pelosi (D-CA). “I always thought Denzel Washington would make a good President. He lives in my district, and if there was any chance we could get him to run, I would gladly write a bill requiring all Presidents to be black. You know if that happened, then the republicans would make a fuss and start waving the constitution around like a bunch of children.”

“It’s weird that just because we have a black president that people think they all have to be black from now on,” said Senator Ted Cruz, who has been considering a run for president in 2016. “I don’t want people to not vote for me if I run just because I’m not black, and they think I can’t win. No one thought that it was required of the president to be a fat jazz enthusiast after Clinton took office, so why would they have to be black because of Obama?”

Man Sues Dating Website, Says ‘My Perfect Matches Are Always Black’

Posted on December 3, 2014 by JP

CHARLOTTE, North Carolina –

A Charlotte man has filed a lawsuit against a popular online dating site, citing his ‘extreme unhappiness’ with the results the website had been giving him. Gil Green, age 33, claims that all of the ‘perfect matches’ recommended to him through the site were African-American.

“I want to find myself a nice white woman and the site couldn’t get that straight,” said Green. “It isn’t fair to me at all that they would assume that I’m into black girls. I put in all my own information, and what I was looking for in a girl, and every time I checked who it matched me with, it was some dark-skinned broad.”

Green is claiming that the website was ‘deliberately sabotaging’ his love life, and that is why he was filing suit.

“I’m just a simple man, and I’m trying to find a wife, or at least a couple good dates, maybe a couple of blowjays, you know? But no mater how many times computer tells me my perfect match is black, I can’t just settle on that,” said Green. “It’s not a racist thing, I’ve met black people before. Some of them are even pretty cool. I just don’t find black women attractive. I’m sure plenty of black women don’t find me attractive. I shouldn’t have to change my standards to find a date on the internet.”

Green’s lawyer, Joe Goldsmith, Esq., who filed the suit in a North Carolina Superior Court, said he thinks that Green has ‘no chance in hell’ of ever winning the case.

“I only took this case for the money, my practice is struggling, and whatever pays the bills, you know?” said Goldsmith. “Mr. Green seems to be really confused about the internet and online dating in general, because the website he is filing suit against is ‘blackpeoplemeet.com’. Obviously his matches are going to be African-American. Frankly, Mr. Green is an idiot, and quite possibly a bigot.”

Representatives of blackpeoplemeet.com have yet to comment on the lawsuit, except to say that they “assume the outcome of the case will be a no-brainer.”

At Least 6 Confirmed Deaths Of White People During Ferguson Riots Ignored By Mainstream Media

Posted on November 26, 2014 by Angela Baker

FERGUSON, Missouri –

Reportedly, at least two white women and 4 white men have died in the Ferguson Riots currently stemming from the Michael Brown ruling, but mainstream media – including FOX News, CNN, and MSNBC – are too afraid to report on these deaths, in fear of enticing white people to join in on the riots and looting and causing a possible race war.

Mildred Crocker was the first white woman to die in the midst of the riots. Her grandson, Dave Crocker, is outraged that his interview with local news station KKTY has not made it on any national, or even local, networks.

“My grandmother went out to get her prescriptions filled, oblivious to the chaos out here. Grams doesn’t have TV and doesn’t care about news. Anyway, she saw so many spooks at once she fell to the curb, clutching her heart. Then those damn black EMTs passed right by her, instead attending to some stupid gang-banger looking motherf—– with a gash in his head. Grams was 72. She could’ve lived to 102 if those jigaboos had gotten her in that ambulance right away.”

Cindy Vanthomme, 38, was trampled to death as the initial peaceful protests turned to riots. As she lay bleeding on the ground, other rioters reportedly trampled her, and stripped her of the nine Chanel and Gucci handbags s that she had been carrying, stolen earlier from a local pawn shop. According to her well-to-do white family, Vanthomme hadn’t personally stolen them, and had more than likely been intending to turn the handbags into police.

“We are trying our best to make sure that the current level of violence does not increase, so we’ve taken steps to make sure certain ‘stories’ stay within the area,” said Joseph Goldsmith, a National Guard spokesman on duty in Ferguson. “The local police have made sure to remove all white police officers active response duty, so if anyone gets shot looting, it’s going to be a black on black crime. The National Guard has taken similar precautions. As white people, we can’t take any chances, here.”

“We ain’t allowed to show white solidarity,” says a long-time Caucasian Ferguson resident, who asked not to be named for his own safety. “People are forgetting about the struggle of the poor white man. My cousin Jacob was shot dead in his trailer by a cop for pointing the remote control at the TV. When that happened, no one said, ‘hey that shit’s not right. How ’bout we bust into a store and get that new TV we been wantin?’ There were no riots when Jacob was killed. Maybe I shoulda done something, but I’m just so Goddamn lazy, you know?”

As the aftermath of the Michael Brown decision rages on, many people throughout the country are demanding more balanced coverage. Even obviously biased news sources like Fox News, who as the most stuffy, Republican channel on TV are often caught criticizing blacks and other minorities, continue to ignore the stories of white deaths. Sadly, it appears the deaths of Crocker and Vanthomme will pass by America unnoticed, while more and more violence continues in Missouri.

New Federal Law Makes It Illegal To Wear Racist, ‘Insensitive’ Halloween Costumes

Posted on October 30, 2014 by Chip

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

It has just been announced that a new law will be enforced this Halloween outlawing any Halloween costume that could be viewed as racist or ‘insensitive.’ The law is being passed down from the federal government and is estimated to effect over a million United States citizens come October 31^st.

It is unclear what has prompted this last-minute regulation to be implemented, however experts speculate that the thousands of white guys that have vocalized their plan to use “black face” to imitate Ray Rice this Halloween probably have something to do with it.

One expert said, “Over the last 5 years, the media’s obsession with racy, obscene, or insensitive Halloween costumes has reached an all-time high, and I think the government felt it was finally time to jump in and regulate the situation, I personally think the law is brilliant and I welcome it with open arms. They are just in the nick of time before Halloween this year. I’m glad they didn’t hold out until next Halloween. This is definitely an issue that needed to be nipped in the bud.”

In this morning’s press conference from the White House, it was announced that the federal government will be working closely with local law enforcement everywhere to ensure 100% compliance of the new regulation. It has been reported that local police will be “dropping by” all costume parties to ensure that everyone’s having a blast while wearing appropriate attire. It has been made very clear that no warnings will be issued; anybody out of code will be spending the night on the cold floor of their local jail and could be facing fines of upwards of $950.

Though a full list of approved costumes has not been released, the law clearly outlines, if you are Caucasian you are not to dress in any way that imitates or pokes fun at Blacks, Indians (of any kind), Mexicans, Gypsies, or Asians. It is unclear if rich white folks can dress as ‘Poor White Trash.’ The law also states that African-American citizens will be permitted to dress as President Obama, however caucasian citizens cannot. It was said, though, that anyone of any race or ethnicity will be permitted to dress in costumes that poke fun at previous presidents Bush and Clinton.

Those that oppose the new law say that it seems to be discriminatory and directed only to the Caucasian population, as there are not clearly outlined regulations on what any other ethnicities are required to avoid.

A government spokesperson responded to the allegation by chuckling and saying “Oh man, people will complain about anything!”

Those hoping that the new seemingly heavy-handed regulation will be discarded by next year are in for a disappointment, as it’s been said an even stricter law is being drafted and should be passed by Halloween 2015.

New NBA ‘Fairness’ Rule Forcing Teams To Have White Player On Court At All Times

Posted on October 23, 2014 by JP

NEW YORK CITY, New York –

With the thoughts of racism and Donald Sterling still fresh in the minds of the NBA and its fans, a new rule change is trying to make a better case for equality in the organization. According to insiders, officials from the NBA held a meeting late Wednesday evening, and have decided on a new rule for next season.

The rule, which is being called ‘Sighting,’ refers to each team having at least one white player on the court at all times. According to reports, the NBA franchise owners have found it not fair to have all African-Americans players at one time, and wanted to create a basis for which every team would forced to have at least one white person on a team constantly playing.

“I know it seems crazy, but we have found that this may be the fairest way to going about this,” said a team owner who would only speak to us anonymously. “Race has become a big issue in our sport this year, and we knew we needed to make a change in this situation. Now, we know that the fans would rather see guys slamming in dunks and having exciting games, but in order to calm race issues in our sport, we are going to have to settle with seeing 5 foot-nothing white players barely get in a lay up now and again.”

The new rule will take effect in the 2015 NBA season, which will also force some NBA teams to draft a few new white players. According to the rule changes, any team that does not have an active white player on their roster, and on the court during play, could end up fined.