Haunted House Employee Dressed As Jason Voorhees Arrested After Killing 19

Posted on October 31, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

MANCHESTER, New Hampshire –

A haunted house employee at a venue in New Hampshire was arrested after police say the man “snapped,” and murdered 19 people with a machete while they were inside the haunt.

Thomas Richards, 37, was taken into police custody after a haunted house volunteer called 911. They claimed that one of other costumed characters working the event, who was dressed as horror movie character Jason Voorhees, was attacking people with what was supposed to be a fake machete.

“Mr. Richards had apparently swapped out his foam, haunt-provided machete for a real one, and attacked guests as they made their way through the haunted house,” said police chief Mario Colone. “He was able to attack over 30 people, with 19 of them dying from injuries sustained by the machete blows. These attacks took place over a period of 45 minutes, as no one knew the screams inside were real.”

Richards was well liked by his fellow haunt employees, and haunt organizers say that Richards had come back multiple years, with 2015 being his 9th year playing Jason in the haunted house.

“It’s mind-boggling that Thomas would just snap and kill all those people,” said haunted house organizer Christopher Creed. “I don’t know what would make him do it, but it is insane. The scene was bloody and violent. It was so disturbing I cringed. In fact, it was so disturbing, we decided to leave the crime scene the way it is for next year’s haunted house. People will be scared to death!”

Richards is scheduled for arraignment on Thursday. He will be charged with 19 counts of first-degree murder, as well as an additional 15 counts of attempted murder and assault with a deadly weapon. Police say that he faces the death penalty.

Teen Dies In ‘Scared Straight’ Haunted House Run By Christian Church

Posted on October 31, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

TEXARKANA, Texas –

A young boy has reportedly died after visiting one of Texarkana’s Christian-run haunted houses. The “scared straight” haunted houses are a twist on a traditional haunted house, designed to scare people who live a life of sin into walking the path of the righteous, so that upon their death they can get into Heaven.

According to reports in the Texarkana Times, a young boy, Michael Matthews, 13, was so scared about the possibility of going to Hell, that he had a heart attack during the event.

“Our son was a good boy, but he was very scared of burning in eternal hellfire, as he should have been,” said Michael’s mother, Theresa Matthews. “He knew that he needed to walk with Jesus, but he was having a hard time doing so. He masturbated constantly. He didn’t eat his vegetables. He listened to pop music. The devil was in him, so we took him to the Hell House.”

The Hell House is one of many church-run haunted houses in the country, but the first one that was so terrifying that it actually killed someone.

“We are very saddened that our haunted house was too terrifying for one of our guests,” said church spokesman Mary Lambert. “We do design it to scare children, teens, and adults into walking to the light with Jesus. Apparently one such child was such a Hellion, that his own heart couldn’t take it.”

Lambert says that the entire church’s sympathies are with the Michael’s parents as his soul burns in the darkest corners of eternal hell.

Canadian Man Arrested For Violent Slaying Of Multiple Teenagers At Bowling Alley

Posted on October 30, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

VICTORIA, BC, Canada –

A Canadian man was arrested yesterday after allegedly violently murdering 7 teenagers in a Victoria bowling alley, reportedly bludgeoning some with a bowling pin, while at least one was killed via a shotgun blast to the head.

In what police are saying is the most violent, brutal death they’ve ever seen, the suspect also killed one teen by violently shoving his face into a Wax-O-Matic bowling ball waxer, causing the teen’s skin to practically melt off.

“It’s the most terrible thing I’ve seen in 27 years of being on the force,” said police chief Ryan Ellis. “We received reports that a group of teens had been allowed to enter the Bowl-O-Rama after hours by the facility’s evening janitor. Over the course of the night, our suspect meticulously killed each teen off in extremely violent, and bloody ways.”

The scene was completely blocked off from access for reporters, but several eye-witnesses on the scene say that there may have been at least one survivor. Police indicate that they are not currently releasing any names of the victims, and that they have not been able to name the suspect, except to say that he was employed by the Bowl-O-Rama.

“The suspect we arrested was a janitor for the facility,” said Ellis. “He refuses to give us his name, and has said that he will only answer to the initials B.B.K., although we do not know if those are his initials or a pseudonym. He has indicated to us that these teens all deserved to die, but has not said why he felt this way. We are still investigating.”

Ellis says that the suspect was arrested while wearing a bowling bag over his face, a bowling shirt, and carrying several bowling pins in a homemade belt.

People With Tattoos 85% More Likely To Develop Cancer, Study Finds

Posted on October 30, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

DENVER, Colorado –

Researchers at the Denver Institute For Scientific Studies have recently released their findings on a 10-year study, comparing the likelihood of cancer in person with tattoos versus those without. The study claims to have found an almost definitive link between the two, stating that in more than 85% of cases, people who had tattoos were more likely to have cancer-causing cells in found in their body.

“It’s staggering, really, how likely it is that you’ll end up with cancer if you have tattoos,” said research head, Dr. Richard Kimball. “This entire thing started after my dear mother got her first tattoo at age 70, and then developed rectal cancer not 4 months later. After she died, I wanted to see if there was a causal link between the two. As it turns out, there is.”

Dr. Kimball says that, for those who already have tattoos, there isn’t much you can do to revert the development of cancer-causing cells in your body, but for those who do not have tattoos but are thinking of getting one, he urges people to reconsider.

“Do not get tattoos. They may look pretty, sure, but you don’t want do die of cancer for your skin art,” said Dr. Kimball. “I know that my dear, dead mother did not want to trade her life for a tattoo. Had we known ahead of time that she was likely to get sick, I definitely would have talked her out of getting that slutty dolphin tramp stamp for her 70th birthday.”

Pregnant Teens Binge Drink To Give Their Babies ‘Cute Deformities’ In Shocking New Trend

Posted on October 29, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

CLEVELAND, Ohio –

Pregnant teens across the country have been participating in a dangerous new trend, say doctors faced with an onslaught of unhealthy babies. According to reports from national physicians, a new trend among pregnant teens is to spend many hours during their pregnancy binge drinking, hoping that they develop “cute deformities” in a quasi-competition with their friends.

“Many teens have been giving birth to babies with extremely low birthrates, deformities, and other major ailments,” said Dr. Emmett Richards, Dean of Medicine at Boston University Hospital. “It appears that a trend amongst pregnant teens, normally around age 15 to 19 is to spend hours and hours bring drinking, in hopes that their baby will have deformities, and then they post pictures of their babies online.”

Doctors are warning both prospective teen moms and their parents that the “game” is dangerous to their baby’s health, as well as the mother-to-be.

“Ugh, like who cares, really, about the baby?” said pregnant teen Amanda Johnson, 15. “I mean, I only even got pregnant so I could do the bingy-baby challenge, and show all my friends. I don’t even want the stupid thing. If it dies cause I drank too much, who cares?”

“I’ve already had 3 babies, and the keep coming out more and more deformed, cause I switched from just binging out on beers to mixing in hard alcohol, and even sometimes some coke or meth, even though I know that’s cheating a bit,” said Lindsay Moore, 17. “All of my babies have died. The doctor said that I might not be able to have kids later down the road from all the shit my uterus has gone through, but whatever. It’s all for funsies.”

Elementary School Student Arrested For Sharing Sandwich, Accidentally Poisoning Classmate

Posted on October 27, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

CARSON CITY, Nevada –

A 7-year-old boy was arrested and is being charged with murder after he allegedly shared a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with a classmate, which causes him to have an allergic reaction and die, say police in Carson City, Nevada.

According to police reports, a child, whose identity is being withheld due to his age, brought a PB&J to class, despite the entire school being a “peanut free zone.” The act, which normally would have not been a crime, was turned into a massive ordeal after the child shared his sandwich with a classmate, 6-year-old Tommy Dill.

“Little Tommy was allergic to peanuts, and was part of the reason that the school is a peanut-free zone,” said school superintendent Carl Reiner. “Unfortunately, Tommy went into anaphylactic shock, and died on the way to the hospital.”

The child who brought the sandwich to school is being charged with reckless endangerment, murder, and attempted assault. Because this was his first time bringing peanut butter to class, he will be charged as a minor. Prosecutors say he is lucky.

“If we had heard about previous warnings about peanut butter or any nuts being brought to class by this child, then we’d have been pushing for the death penalty,” said lawyer Dewey Cheatum. “Instead, he lucked out. This was his first offense, and we’re going to just push for what we can. We’re confident that he will not see the light of day until his 40th birthday.”

Woman Who Was Arrested For Masturbating With Sausage Dies In Prison

Posted on October 27, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

CLARKSVILLE, Louisiana –

Last week, shopper Shaniqua Johnson was arrested for allegedly masturbating with a Jimmy Dean sausage inside of a Wal-Mart Super Center in Louisiana. The incident, which was reportedly caught on camera, prompted the arrest of Johnson, who was being held after it was found she was unable to make bail.

“Ms. Johnson, who was arrested for lewd acts and shoplifting late last week at a Wal-Mart location, was found dead this morning in her cell,” said Police Chief Richard Brown. “In an ironic turn of events, it appears that Ms. Johnson choked on a sausage that was part of her state-provided breakfast meal. The coroner will release his full findings after an autopsy.”

“It’s a shame, really. If she had just paid for those sausages before masturbating with them in the first place, she never would have been in jail,” said Wal-Mart store manager Ross Mitchell. “I almost feel somehow responsible for this, like maybe I shouldn’t have called the cops. I mean, it was just a $5 package of sausage. I could have written it off.”

Johnson, who would have been facing 3 years in prison for her crimes, will be buried in the state cemetery, as no living relatives could be located.

Actor From State Farm Insurance Commercials Killed By Wife Over Alleged Infidelity

Posted on October 26, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

LOS ANGELES, California –

Justin Campbell, the actor who played the husband in the infamous “Jake From State Farm/State of Unrest” State Farm commercials, has reportedly been murdered in his home in Los Angeles. The alleged assailant, Campbell’s wife, Mary, has been taken into police custody.

“Justin was an amazing guy, and he was hilarious,” said an anonymous friend. “I’ve known him nearly 20 years. I don’t know why Mary would do such a thing. She is a sweet lady. I can’t imagine what happened in that house last night.”

“I used to catch him up all the time, talking on the phone in the middle of the night,” said Mary while being questioned by police. “He told me he was just talking to his agents, or working to get new roles. But I knew that it wasn’t the case. He was up talking to other women on the phone. That commercial he was in, that was true to life! It happened! I know it did! Typecasting! Typecasting!”

Campbell, who is best known for playing a husband taking advantage of State Farm Insurance Company’s 24-hour customer service hotline, but is accused by a nagging wife of talking to a phone sex operator, was also known for small roles in Hollywood films such as The Hurt Locker and The Naked Brothers Band: The Movie.

Reps for Campbell could not be reached for comment, but sources close to the family say that Campbell requested that he be buried in anything other than khakis.

Walt Disney’s Cryogenically Frozen Body To Be ‘Thawed’ Next Year on 50-Year Anniversary Of Death

Posted on October 25, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

MIAMI, Florida –

In 1966, one of the most famous men of the modern era passed away from lung cancer. Walt Disney is universally known for his animation and film studio, which over the years has provided many beloved children’s films.

When he died, Disney was one of the wealthiest men in the world. His final wishes were to have his body cryogenically frozen and placed in a vault underneath Cinderella’s castle in Disney World. According to his will, it was set to be kept there for 50 years, and at that point he wanted to be ‘thawed’ out.

“We have denied the rumors for many years, but it is true that Walt Disney had himself cryogenically frozen and placed under the castle,” said Walt Disney World president Marc Jacobs. “It was Mr. Disney’s wish that on the 50th anniversary of his death, we unfreeze him, and attempt to revive his body.”

According to Disney’s will, he chose the 50th anniversary of his death, because he believed that would be ample time for doctors to have cured lung cancer.

“Of course, sadly for him, Mr. Disney was wrong, and there is still no cure for cancer,” said Jacobs. “On the plus side, though, doctors have been able to do full lung transplants, so when we revive him, it’s possible that he could live with a new set of lungs. We have really high hopes that the procedure will be a success.”

The plan from the Walt Disney Company is to thaw Disney’s frozen body on December 15th, 2016, exactly 50 years since his death.

“We hav

Haunted House Owners Cover Up Man’s Death By Disguising Him As Prop

Posted on October 21, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

MARIETTA, Georgia –

A couple who run a haunted house in Marietta, Georgia are under arrest today after reportedly trying to hide the death of one of their customers.

Geoff March, 67, had apparently visited the haunted house 2 weeks ago by himself, when he suffered a major heart attack. The couple, Marlene and Joseph Rogers, allegedly dressed March in tattered clothes, and made him up to look like a zombie.

“It’s one of the most disturbing, odd crimes I’ve ever seen,” said Marietta police chief Joe Goldsmith. “They were not at fault. It was an accident. Mr. March had a history of heart problems, and he was scared to death. It’s tragic, but it wasn’t a crime.”

According to Goldsmith, the Rogers couple assumed they would be held liable, and didn’t want to face charges.

“We had no idea he had previous heart problems,” said Joseph Rogers. “We thought we literally scared this man to death, and it was our fault. I panicked, and I talked Marlene into helping me dress him up like a zombie. None of our other patrons over the last couple weeks even noticed.”

Chief Goldsmith says that the couple were found out when March’s body began to smell badly, and customers complained.

“One of our deputies happened to go through the house on his night off, and he smelled death,” said Goldsmith. “When he confronted the Rogers, they burst into tears. They were taken into custody late last night.”

The Rogers are charged with concealing a deceased individual, a class C-felony. They face up to 2 years in prison.