Hillary Clinton Announces Her Plans To Drop From Presidential Race

Posted on February 14, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Democratic candidate Hillary Clinton has announced that she will be stepping down from the campaign trail, suspending her plans to become the next President of the United States. The announcement comes after a loss in the New Hampshire primaries earlier this week, to Democrat Bernie Sanders.

“New Hampshire has successfully chosen the president for the last several decades. If you win in New Hampshire, you’ve won the vote,” said Clinton. “I can’t compete with Bernie Sanders, anyway. He has secured the young vote. He has the blacks and the Latinos. He has everyone, and he even has most of the woman vote. He cannot be stopped. Even I’ve started to Feel The Bern.”

“I am glad that she has stepped down. It clears the way for a Sanders victory,” said New Hampshire resident Joe Goldsmith. “I voted for Bernie in the primaries, as did everyone else. Hillary is soulless, and would never have won. Have you looked at her eyes? They’re empty. There’s nothing behind them. It’s like that Stephen King movie The Dead Zone. She’s evil incarnate.”

Hillary Clinton Plans To Make Bill Clinton Her Running Mate If She Wins In Primary

Posted on February 9, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Although he has already served a full two terms as president, nothing is stopping Hillary Clinton from making her husband, Bill Cinton, her vice-presidential running mate should she win during the primary elections; an act she says she is planning on doing.

“Bill has already been there, and he’s already seen what a presidential seat can do to a person, and there is no one better to join me at my side, and in my cabinet, than him,” said Hillary Clinton. “I am officially planning to recognize my husband, Bill, as my running mate if I am to take the primaries.”

Members of Congress say that there is no reason that Bill Clinton cannot serve as vice president, but there are issues were something to happen to Hillary if she were elected, such as a death, or a scandal or other measure that forces her to resign.

“If she were to be elected with Bill Clinton as her vice president, we are unsure, at this time, if he would be able to take over the roll of president as would normally be the case,” said congressional member Richard Doorer (R-Iowa). “As he has already fulfilled his duty as president, and completed two full terms, he is not eligible to run again, but that doesn’t necessarily negate that he could be president again in that sort of situation. We’ll take it as it comes, if it does indeed arise.”

According to an anonymous source inside the Clinton campaign, the entire race has just been one big ploy to get Bill Clinton back into the oval office, with Hillary planning on winning, and immediately stepping down, allowing for her husband to take over.

Hillary and Bill Clinton Paid Daughter Chelsea To Have Babies

Posted on February 2, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Hilary and Bill Clinton allegedly paid daughter Chelsea, 35, to start a family. Chelsea is expecting her second child. Charlotte, now 16 months old, was born in September of 2014, about a year after Chelsea received a two million dollar incentive to start a family.

Not only did Hilary and Bill want grandbabies, they thought it would look good for the campaign. “The Clinton campaign wanted Hilary to appear to be a hard politician, which they have seen in her career as senator and secretary of state, while also retaining a warm, motherly aspect. Obviously Hilary Clinton’s womb has long ago dried up, and Chelsea is far too old to be cute. Voters like babies. Two is the optimal number. This definitely helped her win the Iowa caucuses,” says campaign analyst Greg Edelman.

Chelsea’s husband, Marc Mezvinsky says even though this ended the freedom the couple once enjoyed, he is happy they decided to take the money and conceive. “I am very lucky to have my kids and such generous inlaws. Sure, we don’t have the same freedom as before, but we’re set for life. And whatever helps Hilary win is good for our family and good for the nation. Clinton for president. All hail Clinton.”

Bill Murray Says He Defecated On Hillary Clinton’s Limousine

Posted on January 25, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

CHARLESTON, North Carolina –

No one expected Bill Murray to throw his hat in the ring for president, but last week, the 65-year-old comedian and actor made his intentions known officially, assuring everyone he is completely serious and interested in winning the 2016 election.

Unfortunately, immediately following his announcement that he was campaigning, a damning video surfaced of the actor on major news websites, showing him defecating on Hillary Clinton’s motorcade.

“It’s not like I was taking a dump on the American flag or anything,” Murray said, admitting to news outlets that what they had seen in the video was true. “It was just the Clinton limousine. Who cares? I had been thinking about doing that for a while now. It just seemed right. I’d never do that to Bernie Sanders, though. He seems like a decent guy. The rest of them are just scum.”

Murray’s representatives later retracted the statement, saying that Murray’s admission of guilt was a joke and made tongue-in-cheek. They denied any involvement, and attributed the incident to a lookalike.

Hilary Clinton Leaks Classified Info about Extra Terrestrials

Posted on January 7, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

CONWAY, New Hampshire –

Hilary Clinton said recently that aliens “may be real,” and research into her comments have uncovered some extreme news. According to The Conway Daily Sun, a small, relatively unknown newspaper in the White Mountains of New Hampshire, Hilary promised to “get to the bottom of the area 51 thing” as far back as 2007. It now appears that she, in fact, did, as it has been uncovered that beings from another world are now actually financing her campaign.

While many see Hilary Clinton’s comments as a joke, conspiracy theorists are going wild over the leak. John Podesta, former White House Chief of Staff, has been pursuing disclosure for over a decade and has been insisting “the truth is out there,” even suggesting that actress Lena Dunham “ask Hilary about aliens” in her interview.

Podesta says the real reason for the cover up is campaign funding. They don’t want to disclose how much money Extraterrestrials have donated to their campaign, since officially it is not legal for them to accept funds from out of this world.

Candidate Donald Trump responded to the situation saying that no alien life is welcome in the US, whether it be Mexicans or Martians.

FBI Charges Hillary Clinton With Multiple Counts Of Sharing ‘Top Secret’ E-Mails

Posted on August 30, 2015 by Abe Abrams

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Democratic Presidential front-runner Hillary Clinton’s campaign has been struck a mighty blow today, with news of the FBI’s announcement of criminal charges being formally filed against her for allegedly sharing top secret information via public channels.

“President Obama was shocked to learn about the charges against Clinton today while reading the paper on a golf course in Hawaii,” said White House Press Secretary Josh Earnest.”The President has said he puts his complete faith in the FBI, and promises to learn more about charges against Mrs. Clinton when he gets back to the White House next week.”

“I don’t know anything about how to set up an e-mail account,” said Clinton during a press conference this morning. ”When I was the Secretary of State, I thought it would just to be easier to use my current email address, HillaryRocks at AOL dot com. Chelsey set it up for me years ago, and it’s cute, so I kept it. I never knowingly shared top secret information with any foreign government – I’m just old, phones confuse me, and the buttons are so small. I may have hit ‘forward all’ a few times, but never on purpose. I committed no crime here, and it’s clear I’m being thrown under the bus by President Obama, who just wants to see Joe Biden as the next President!”

When asked why President Obama would have any reason to discredit her, Clinton mentioned that there may have been some issues between her family and his in the past.

“Well, Bill may have gotten a little frisky once with Michelle Obama at a government party, and Barack has held a grudge ever since. I want to promise my supporters that I will beat these charges, though, like we Clintons have always done. Even though I’m not smart enough to figure out how to have two different email addresses on one phone, I’m still smarter than Biden and those republican idiots.”

In another turn of events, Vice President Joe Biden says that he may actually run for president now, with the full support of Obama and his current cabinet.

“With this shocking news, it’s clear that I will have to throw my hat into the ring and run for President to save the Democratic party,” said Vice President Joe Biden. ”That’s right America, old Bumbling Joe needs your vote – and your money – because I am getting into the race, even if it is a little late.”

If found guilty of the crimes charged, Clinton could face up to 50 years in prison.

Secret Emails Reveal Hillary Only Running To Be Able To Have Affair In Oval Office

Posted on May 22, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

A shocking set of emails were leaked on the internet this morning which seem to indicate a romantic fling between presidential hopeful Hillary Clinton, and an anonymous stranger. In the emails, Hillary indicates that she is only running for president so that when she wins, she can “take a pounding” on the resolute desk in the Oval Office, much as her husband, former president Bill Clinton, was said to do while serving in office.

“Ohh…Billy thinks he’s the only one who can get some in the Oval Office? Screw him – I cannot wait to [expletive remove] your huge [expletive removed] with my tight [expletive removed] and my sopping wet [expletive removed],” read the email from Hillary’s private GMail email account. Responses included “mmm” and “Ohh yeah, Hills, tell me all about it, baby.” The anonymous emailer has not been identified. His email address is listed in the leak as 2Big4DatPoon6969@sexmail.com

Clinton’s handlers and campaign team say that the leaks are “completely fabricated” and that if they were real, they probably are “coming from the desk of her husband.”

“Former president Bill Clinton has a fun sense of humor, as well as some…kinks…and often likes to pretend he’s a random guy from the internet, hitting on his own wife,” said Clinton’s spokeswoman Gene Chandler. “We all have our sexual vices, that’s his. It’s really the private business of two consenting adults, and this leak is being researched.”

Bill Clinton, who was reached for comment at his family’s home in Arkansas, said that he doesn’t even know how to use emails, but that after being informed of their content, said that it was “pretty hot.”

Chelsea Clinton Announces Plan To Run Against Her Mother In 2016 Presidential Primary

Posted on February 1, 2015 by Josh Marcus

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

In an unexpected move, Chelsea Clinton has announced her plans to run in the presidential primaries in 2016. This will be the first time a mother and daughter have competed against each other for the official hot seat.

Although she has no political experience, the 34-year-old says that her father’s time as president has put her in good stead.

“Old Bill provided a good role model for me,” she stated in a letter to the press. “He did some really good stuff while in office, but that Monica Lewinsky business – that’s what stuck with most people. I know it’s not popular to say, but it kinda saved his reputation. Were it not for that public stain, the metaphoric one, not the literal one, he’d barely be remembered as the butter between the Bush sandwich. So I know what I have to do if things start going downhill.”

She also said that her mother’s position as secretary of state, as well as her own failed and current presidential bids, have only helped her cause.

“My mom’s the favorite among the Democrats, even though no one likes her. Let’s face it – I’m the only likeable Clinton left.”

Political analysts are divided on what this fresh candidate will mean for 2016. A handful believe she has a chance, because the public are desperate enough to try anything that hasn’t been tried before.

“She’ll probably be shit, but we just cannot know,” said CNN correspondent Merson Mandzukic. “For all we know it will be the best thing to happen to this country. Imagine, for example, that Sarah Palin had been our vice-president, or even president. Most of us shudder at the thought, but could a bumbling idiot with no bad intentions really be worse than some of the dross we’ve had down the line?”

Others have been less kind. Fox reporter, Olga Brown, believes this is the worst thing that could have happened to politics.

“It breaks all the rules of politics,” she was heard complaining to a coworker. “A political career based entirely on the reputation of the family? George Bush, Sr. would be turning in his grave if he was dead.”

Bill Clinton Buys Monica Lewinsky’s Famous ‘Stained Dress’ In Online Auction

Posted on October 21, 2014 by DvanL

SAN JOSE, California –

The most infamous blue dress in the world, associated with the most sensational Presidential scandal in recent history, has reared its ugly head once again.

The garment, stained with the DNA provided by former President Bill Clinton, was originally purchased by Lewinsky from the GAP clothing store, and showed up on the online auction site BetMe.net last week. An online bidder known only as ‘William J. Slickton’ of New York, entered the winning bid of $288,050.10.

“Slick Willie” was the nickname given to Bill Clinton, a reference to his deal-making skills while Governor of Arkansas from 1979 to 1981 and from 1983 to 1992.

The question of the day is, could William J. Slickton actually be William Jefferson Clinton, 42^nd President of the United States? Although BetMe.net does not disclose personal member details beyond those provided by the user in his or her profile, what is known so far offers clues as to the identity of the winning bidder:

William Slickton has been a member of the BetMe community for 3 years. Previous winning bids have been for golf equipment, a vintage saxophone case, several crossword puzzle books, and an antique pre-Civil War hand-drawn map of Arkansas. The items link to hobbies, activities, and interests enjoyed by the former President.

Professional Hacker ‘LindaTrippster@safecrack.net’ obtained the unique IP address of William J. Slickton’s computer in order to determine the location where the auction transaction took place. The locale was Chappaqua, New York, site of the Clinton’s home.

Will this disclosure hurt former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton’s chances to become the 2016 Democratic Presidential Nominee? Empire News asked presidential historian Hedda Parsons to offer insights. “There’s always a risk of damage when bringing up a scandal,” said Parsons. “The question remains, would the former President actually be so bold as to use an online identity so closely related to his own nickname? And why would he want a dress with his DNA all over it in the first place? Everyone knows that in Washington you can’t wear the same outfit twice – let alone re-wear a dress that someone has … well, we all know the mess that was made all over that dress.”

Questions about Clinton’s judgment are indeed valid. Many feel that the choice to initiate a liaison with a 22-year-old intern in the Oval Office demonstrated a severe lapse in judgment, and it lead to Clinton’s impeachment in 1998.

As to who put the dress up for auction in the first place, Monica Lewinsky remains tight-lipped. In a statement provided by her attorney, Ms. Lewinksy said “The dress was used as evidence during Prosecutor Ken Starr’s trial and was no longer in my possession. The events in question occurred during a very dark period in my life. Since then, I have washed my hands of the whole affair and have continued to move forward.”

No comment has been issued by the former President.